01x36 - A Nose by Any Other Name

[bunniefuu]

["The Ballad Of
Gilligan's Isle"]

♪ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started
from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty
sailing man ♪

♪ The Skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Five passengers
set sail that day ♪

♪ For a three hour tour ♪

♪ A three hour tour ♪

[thunder rumbling]

♪ The weather started
getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage
of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The Minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The Minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground
on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With Gilligan ♪

♪ The Skipper too ♪

♪ The millionaire ♪

♪ And his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ And the rest ♪

♪ Are here on Gilligan's Isle ♪

Ooh.

Ahh.

Gilligan, don't you think
it's clever of the Professor

to have thought
of this carrier?

This is the way
the Dutch girls carry milk.

No wonder they had
to wear wooden shoes.

And exactly what is
that supposed to mean?

Maybe one coconut
weighs nothing.

Maybe two coconuts
weigh nothing.

But 15 of these
weigh something.

We've got enough coconuts here
to last six months.

- Well, let's get six more.
- There's no more left to get.

Gilligan, you're looking
in the wrong direction.

[birds chirping]

Gilligan, I'll start
back with these.

[leaves crackling]

Sure. Gilligan, do this.
Gilligan, do that.

Gilligan, go here,
Gilligan, go there.

Gilligan, get this.
Gilligan, get that.

Mmm.

I could just rest all day
and take it easy

if my name wasn't Gilligan.

There's just five,
and Skipper said six.

Well, I'm not going
to get him six.

Yeah, I'll get him six.

There it is.

Number six.
Come on, baby.

Help!

[thud]

(Gilligan)
'Help!'

Gilligan, Gilli..?

Oh, my buddy.
Oh, please!

I heard him shout,
Skipper. What happened?

He must have fallen
out of the tree, Professor.

- Oh!
- Easy now, gently, gently.

- Let's turn him over.
- Alright.

Oh, watch it now!

- There, there we go.
- Oh.

Doesn't seem to be
any broken bones.

Probably had the wind
knocked out of him.

Oh, he-he said we had
enough coconuts

and I made him climb
and get more.

If anything happens to him,
I'll never forgive myself.

- Let's get him up.
- Yes, let's get him up.

[groaning]

- Up, easy.
- There you are.

Ahh, oh!

Gilligan, Gilligan.
Take a deep breath.

But breathe through
your mouth, little buddy.

Take it easy, Gilligan,
it's just a cold compress.

Oh, your poor,
poor nose.

It really is
an awful mess.

It's actually swollen to the
size of a 55-carat diamond.

- Oh.
- Please, Mrs. Howell.

Professor, it's broken,
it's broken!

Gilligan, I'm sure
it's just bruised.

- It's only slightly swollen.
- Slightly swollen?

You better look out for the
pelicans during mating season.

Ginger.

Professor, look, it's just
busted you can see--

You ought to be happy
to be alive.

You're lucky you fell
on that soft sand.

- Soft? It's busted--
- You know something?

This is the first real accident
since we were shipwrecked.

Big deal.

I think we should be prepared
for emergencies.

Yes, this could happen
to any of us.

Please, my career.

I have a medical book.

I'm going to give everyone
lessons in first-aid.

That's a marvelous idea.
I used to be a nurse's aid.

Well, you should know something
about emergency treatment.

Uh, not really.

They took my picture
quite often pouring tea

but I didn't know
very much about aiding.

I do make very good tea though.

How about you, Ginger, have you
had any experience as a nurse?

No, but I'm sure
I'd be wonderful at it.

I look very good in white.

Alright, Gilligan, you just
apply this cold compress

and that should take
the swelling down.

I feel like Pinocchio.

- Gilligan, you know that--
- Never mind, Mrs. Howell.

Let's get started on our
first-aid lessons.

Come along, ladies.
This way.

[upbeat music]

Professor said to start
with the wrist and--

Be-be careful of that
wrist, Mary Ann.

That's the hand
that signs checks.

Now, Ginger, suppose a man
is lying unconscious.

He's just suffered a severe
concussion, what would you do?

I'd give a mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

- That wouldn't help.
- Wouldn't hurt.

You're supposed to cover him
with a blanket

to make sure he doesn't suffer
from shock.

And then I give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Is this alright?

Oh, you don't need anything
quite so elaborate.

Don't think I'd have Thurston
anything but gift-wrapped.

Our class will tell.

Now listen, an important
point is how you turn

an accident victim over.

Now, Ginger, you place your hand
under Mr. Howell's shoulders.

Mrs. Howell, you place
your hands under his back.

And Mary Ann, under his knees.

Now, very gently, turn him over.

[all scream]

It's just a sprain,
Mr. Howell.

It'll be better before
you go to bed tonight.

I hope so.

If it isn't, I won't be able
to cuddle my teddy...properly.

(Mrs. Howell)
'Can you tell us what we did
wrong last time, Professor?'

Now, ladies

you're supposed to turn
the patient over gently.

You needn't push quite so hard.

Do you want me
to help them.

Kind of roll over
like something--

- No, no, you're unconscious.
- Oh, that's right.

- Now, take it easy, girls.
- Okay.

- A little harder than that.
- Okay, push..

All together. One,
two, three..

Help!

[thud]

Now, it's just
a sprain, Skipper.

It'll be better before
you go to bed tonight.

Thanks, Professor.

I must say we make
a handsome pair of bookends.

This is dreadful.
We're running out of victims.

Well, I guess, I'll have
to do this myself.

Now, ladies.

I want you to listen
to me very carefully.

And I want you to do exactly
what I tell you.

Don't worry, Professor,
it's just a little sprain.

I'm sure it'll be better
before you go to bed tonight.

It's not the wrist
I'm worried about.

I better exercise this knee

before it begins
to stiffen up on me.

[theme song tune]

I don't know whether my nose
is getting smaller

or my face
is getting bigger.

Hi, Skipper,
what happened to you?

Oh, well, Professor's giving
us a first-aid course

for emergencies,
but what he didn't say was

the first emergency
would be the first-aid course.

- How's the nose, little buddy?
- Terrible.

Professor said it'd be a while
before that swelling went down.

I think it'll
stay this way.

I wasn't too handsome
to begin with.

It's is like something
that should be hanging

in a delicatessen store.

It's all my fault.
I ordered you up that tree.

- Skipper, it's not your fault.
- It is.

And I'll never give you
another order.

Skipper, you didn't
make me fall.

Gilligan, no matter
what you say..

I mean we're not
aboard ship anymore.

It's my fault.
I shouldn't give you orders.

And I'll never give you
another order.

Skipper,
it's all my fault.

It was mine,
and that's an order.

- Aye aye, Skip.. Oh!
- Ahh!

- Gilligan.
- Hi, Prof..

Say...how's that nose
coming along?

What happened to you?

I didn't know broken arms
are contagious.

Our arms aren't broken,
Gilligan, they're just sprain

from our first-aid course.

I wish you'd never found that
chapter in a medical book.

That medical book. Does it have
a chapter on operations?

I mean, could you, like,
fix my broken nose?

It must have, after that
chapter on first aid.

Gilligan, your nose isn't
broken, it's just bruised.

Now, you keep applying those
cold compresses..

No more water, I'll drown.

...and in a few days,
the swelling will be gone.

No, it won't because
it's broken, we operate?

The professor says your nose
isn't broken, it isn't broken.

- Or else it would hurt right--
- No!

See, it is broken.
Ooh.

Gilligan, your nose
isn't broken.

Keep saying it to yourself.

My nose isn't broken.
My nose isn't broken.

Skipper, I know your nose
isn't broken, my nose is broken.

- Hi, Lovey.
- Oh, where have you been, dear?

I just finished
your beautiful new sling.

Oh, thank you, yes.

I've just come
from seeing Gilligan.

Oh, it's terrible.

Every time I see that boy's
nose, I think of inflation.

Let me try on your
new sling, darling.

Darling, be very, very careful.
Oh, that's nice.

There must be something
we can do for Gilligan.

Maybe I should go over
and cheer him up.

After all, a nose
isn't everything.

It is if you're an anteater.

- Oh! Oh! Lovey!
- Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

You know, I really
must convince Gilligan

that a nose
doesn't make a man.

[knocking on door]

- Come in.
- Oh, there you are, Gilligan.

I've been looking
for you everywhere.

I'm not hard to find.

Just look for my nose,
I'll be somewhere near it.

Yes. Now, let me take
a good look at you.

No, Mrs. Howell,
I'm a mess.

- Oh, au contraire!
- Is it that bad?

Au contraire means
on the contrary.

I think your new nose
is marvelous.

It really adds a great deal
to your face.

Yeah, two pounds.

I mean, it fits
your face so well.

You're much more
attractive this way.

I am?

Oh yes, you're so rugged,
so masculine.

- It's a real man's nose.
- I should hope so.

You never saw anything
like this on Miss America.

It's true, but...I think
you're very fortunate

to have had this accident.

This nose gives your face
such strength.

Good, my face will need
a lot more strength

just to carry it around.

[romantic music]

Hi, Ginger.

- Can I sit down?
- Sure.

- What are you doing?
- I'm making a new fish trap.

Oh, you wouldn't have
to make a trap to catch me.

Huh?

You know, Gilligan, th-there's
something about your face that..

I don't know
it's...irresistible now.

- Must be my nose.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's your nose,
it's so, it's--

- Masculine?
- Exactly.

Your face is rugged now, it just
gives it so much strength.

That's exactly
what Mrs. Howell said.

She's right. You've become
so attractive, Gilligan.

You know...you look like
Cyrano de Bergerac now.

- Cero who did Brugia what?
- Cyrano de Bergerac.

Oh, he was a man
with an odd-looking nose

and the most beautiful woman in
the world was in love with him.

- Roxanne.
- Oh, that's a beautiful name.

- Yeah, Roxanne.
- No, Cyrano de Bergerac.

You know, all through history,
women have been attracted

to men with interesting noses.

- My nose is interesting?
- Very.

- How about a little kiss?
- Sure.

Well..

How about a week
from tomorrow?

A week from tomorrow?

Yeah, by then, my nose would
hurt if it touches you.

If a nose like this would make
girls throw themselves at me

I'd have busted it years ago.

Does make me look
handsomer though.

[knocking]

Come in.

- Hi, Gilligan.
- Oh, hi, Mary Ann.

Tonight's gonna be a full moon,
I was wondering

if you'd like to take
a walk with me.

Well, maybe so.

Gee, Gilligan, I-I always
have liked you but..

- Well, somehow now, it's..
- It's my nose.

I guess you're right.

It's been that way
down through history.

Take Roxanne and
Cyrano de Bergerac.

Oh, that's right.

All three of them settled down
and lived happily ever after.

- All three of them?
- Uh-ha.

Roxanne, Cyrano, and his nose.

Gilligan, I think it's wonderful
the way you've adjusted.

I know the accident
might've spoiled my looks.

Turns out I needed it.

- Until the night.
- Good.

I guess some guys got it,
and some guys don't.

It works like a charm,
Mrs. Howell.

Gilligan really thinks
he looks better now.

Yes, he believed every word.
It's lucky I'm a good actress.

- Mmm.
- Oh, that poor boy.

We've got to keep
saying these things

until he gets used to
his new looks.

Run along, girls. We mustn't let
Gilligan know our plan.

[insects chirping]

[splash]

Professor, you got
to fix my nose.

I don't like it anymore.
Everybody hates the way I look.

You just got to operate
on me and fix it!

I'm afraid I've to operate
after all.

I won't take no for an answer.
You got the medical book.

- Operate on my nose and fix it.
- Gilligan, I said I'd operate.

I don't care what you said.
Operate my nose and fix it.

Gilligan, I said
I was going to operate.

- That's better.
- Yes.

I thought it was swollen,
but I was wrong.

We'll set up an operating room.

The girls will assist
me, and I'll operate.

- You will?
- 'Yes.'

You prepare for surgery
in the morning.

Professor, I'd be more than
happy to prepare for sur...gery?

- Hi, Professor.
- Oh, Gilligan.

I've got good news.

Just finished cooking up
an anesthetic for you.

- At is?
- Anesthetic.

For you to sleep
during the operation.

If I sleep,
I'll miss everything.

- Would you rather stay up?
- Keep cooking.

You see, Gilligan.

There are various plants
and roots on this island

which are analgesic in nature
due to the presence

of nitrous oxide compounds.

In the concentrated form, they
make an effective anesthetic.

It figures.

- I think that's enough heat.
- You got the stuff?

- That's it.
- Yeah.

[sniffing]

- I don't smell a thing.
- Gilligan, don't breathe that.

I don't feel a thing,
I don't smell a thing.

'You know, professor.'

I was worried
about the operation before

but I'm not worried anymore
because you're being so careful.

[laughing]

Gilligan, I think
you better sit down.

Why? I feel just fine.

It probably just needs
some more roots or flowers.

Are you sure this is
the stuff that's supposed

to work on me because
it doesn't have any effect..

- Come on, Gilligan, hurry up.
- What's the hurry?

It's just the idea, I have
a wonderful surprise for you.

You have a surprise?
What is it?

Fact that the professor's gonna
operate, there's no reason

why you shouldn't have
any shape nose you want.

- Instead of my own?
- Right.

How would it be to have
a nose like Cary Grant?

Or maybe Jack Lemmon
or Jimmy Stewart.

- Or even Julie Andrews.
- No, not Julie Andrews.

I'd look pretty silly
with a girl's nose.

With noses, it doesn't
make any difference.

Gilligan, boys and girls,
it's all the same.

Yeah, but I have to powder
and everything.

Alright, forget that I mentioned
Julie Andrews's nose.

- But what about the others?
- Sounds great.

Well, wonderful.
Come on, Gilligan.

I think it's the right
consistency now.

I've got this apron
to keep him tidy.

- Very good ideas, Gilligan.
- Skipper. What's that stuff?

Gilligan, this is clay. We're
gonna make an exact duplicate

of your head, then we can try
different noses on it.

Would you like a nose like mine?
The Howell nose is special.

Doesn't look so special to me.

Not the looks, the nostrils.
We smell money for ten miles.

Ginger and Mary Ann are making
different noses so you'll have

something to choose from. Ginger
knows all the movie stars.

Mr. Howell, why don't you help
instead of just standing?

Alright. Oh, this is squishy.

I wonder, is this anything
like-like making mud pies?

Never made mud pies
when you were a kid?

Eh, no mother had
the butler do it for me.

You sure missed a lot
when you were young. Ha ha.

Had its advantage.
He took my spankings too.

I wonder if Michelangelo
got started this way.

(Gilligan)
Hm. Skipper was right.
It did dry fast.

I better go tell them
it's ready to come off.

We've got enough clay
for a dozen noses.

Unless we try
for Jimmy Durante.

Ginger.

What is it?

(Gilligan)
Have you seen the Skipper?

Ah!

Wonder what scared them?

What is it?

Oh, it's still after us. Ah!

[knocking on door]

Come in. Ah!

Get.. Ah, get away from me
y-y-you thing! Ah!

What's the matter with her?

What's got into everybody?

Ah!

What's the matter
with you running around

frightening women
the way you've been doing.

I'm sorry, Skipper,
but I couldn't find myself.

Mr. Howell, if you'll help me,
I think this is dry to remove.

Skipper, would you make
a statue of me like this?

Not just the head
but the whole big adorable me.

Why certainly, Mr. Howell.

My gosh. I forgot to put
a divider in this.

A divider?

A cardboard piece
down the middle

to separate in two parts
and take it off.

You can't get me out of here?

Take it easy now, little buddy.
Take it easy.

It'll save your time combing
your hair in the morning.

- Let me out of here.
- Gilligan, just a moment.

Gilligan?

Gilligan, are you alright?

Yes. But make sure you stop
when you get to the real meat.

Of course, little buddy

You were right, Skipper.
It looks just like me.

Your noses, sir.

'Ah.'

Me with Richard Burton's nose.

Just think how close
it's been to Elizabeth Taylor.

(Mrs. Howell)
This is terribly exciting.

(Ginger)
Reminds me of a part
I played as a nurse.

That scene had a happy ending.

Maybe the same
will happen to me.

I doubt it.
That patient had twins.

- Everyone ready?
- Yes.

- Yes.
- Yes.

No.

Look, maybe if I bared you
like Dr. Beth Casey, huh?

(Mr. Howell)
Well, if he's gonna
look like Dr. Casey.

I'm gonna look like Dr. Zorba.

(Professor)
Mr. Howell, will you please
administer the anesthetic.

Mrs. Howell, you be
the head nurse.

Ginger, Mary Ann,
you assist Mrs. Howell.

(Skipper)
What do I do, professor?

'You got the medical
book, Skipper.'

You hold it up while
I read the instructions.

[gasping]

So whatever you do,
don't skip two pages

or this boy will be
minus his appendix.

Maybe we'll wait
till tomorrow. I think--

(Professor)
We're set. Mr. Howell, please
administer the anesthetic.

Uh, you just breathe deep
Gilligan, like this.

Take a nice deep breath of this
a-and you.. Oh, my goodness.

I feel faint.

Thurston's always
been very squeamish.

I remember he passed out
when I had my ears pierced.

- You better attend to him.
- Yeah.

You better attend to him, and we
can take this all over tomorrow.

- Just relax, little buddy.
- Perfectly alright.

Now Skipper, will you administer
the anesthetic, please?

Certainly.

Gilligan, count backwards
from a 100.

100, 99, 98, 97, 96, 90, uh..

- 95.
- 95, 94, 93.

73, 72, 71.

- Scalpel.
- Scalpel.

- Sponge.
- Sponge.

65.

- My book.
- The book.

[muttering indistinctly]

[exhales]

Hey, Skipper,
what time is it?

Gilligan.

It's a minute and a half later
than the last time you asked me.

Skipper, you realize.

At 10 o'clock today,
that'll be five days

and the professor will take
the bandage off.

I know.

Uh.

Skipper, what time is it?

Let's get up and go
see the Professor.

Maybe he'll give you
an hour off for good behavior.

Yes.

- Can hardly wait.
- Just hold still a minute.

(Gilligan)
Hurry, hurry, hurry.

[all exclaim]
Ah!

- Beautiful.
- Marvelous.

- Perfect.
- Lemme see. Lemme see.

I don't understand.

I-it's my old nose.

I tried to tell you
it wasn't broken.

Wait until the swelling reduced.
You were too upset to wait.

We just pretended
to give you that operation.

While you slept, the professor
put a bandage on

so it would heal.

- Ah.
- You sound disappointed.

Well, naturally. I was expecting
Richard Burton.

And I got me.

Your driver, Mr. Howell.

Thank you, boy.
Stand aside.

Alright, Captain. Here you are.

Ah. Not bad, not bad at all.
Let's see you try, Skipper.

Watch this.

- Your ball, Skipper.
- Thanks so much, Gilligan.

Keep your eye on this one.

Load of warning here, eh.

- Where did it go?
- Oh. It's right there, Skipper.

- Maybe you need a bigger ball.
- Thanks, Gilligan.

No, Skipper, please.
Let me give you the lesson.

I know you're a big fellow

and you've lot of muscles,
strong baby feet.

Just swing. Remember, it's
with the wrist and the arm.

Away we go. This time, way back,
big back swing.

(Professor)
'Oh.'

(Gilligan)
'Oh, no, right in the nose.'

My poor little buddy.

Sorry, professor.

Mr. Howell was teaching me
a proper back swing.

- Did I hurt you?
- I don't know.

I just came over
to join the game.

Professor, don't you worry.
I know just what to do.

- Does it hurt there?
- Ah!

Doctor Gilligan to surgery.
Doctor Gilligan to surgery.

♪ Now this is the tale
of the castaways ♪

♪ They're here
for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make
the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate
and his Skipper too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others
comfortable ♪

♪ In the tropic island nest ♪

♪ No phone, no lights,
no motorcars ♪

♪ Not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like Robinson Crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here
each week my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From seven stranded
castaways ♪

♪ Here on Gilligan's isle ♪