01x02 - My Fair Munster

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Munsters". Aired: September 24, 1964 – May 12, 1966.*
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1313 Mockingbird Lane revolves around a family of monsters.
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01x02 - My Fair Munster

Post by bunniefuu »

[Thunder Crashing]

[Wolf Howling]

Thanks, Jack.
I've had a wonderful evening.

This is where you live?
Yep, this is it.

Come on in and have
a cup of coffee? I want you
to meet my aunt and uncle.

Well, I, uh...

I guess I could walk you
to the front door.

[Howling Continues]

[Thunder Crashing]

Sure you won't change
your mind and come in?

I don't think so.
It's pretty late.

[Whispering]
What's the matter?
Lose your keys?

No. I probably just left them
in my other purse.
Oh.

[Whispering]
Why are you whispering?

I don't want to wake your folks.
Oh, don't worry about them.
They're always up all night.

[Loud Footsteps Approaching]

Someone's coming.

Hello, Marilyn.

Hi, Uncle Herman.

Uncle Herman, I'd like to
have you meet my date.
This is...

[Tires Screeching]

Oh, Uncle Herman.

What's the matter
with me, anyway?

Well...

How's the game, Grandpa?

Oh, I've got him this time!
I've really got him!

[Caws]
At the sound of the tone,
it'll be : .

Nevermore.
Nevermore.
[Glass Shattering]

Your move.

Oh, you... you...
You fell right into my trap.

?? [Humming]

[Seething]

Eddie! What are you doing
in that fireplace again?

- You know you're not supposed
to sit in a draft.
- Oh, I'm having fun.

Eddie, don't talk fresh
to your mother
and come out of there.

Gee.

Now, you be a good boy.

See? Mommy sewed the ear
back on your Woof-Woof.

Gee, I don't want to go
to bed yet. It's still dark out.

Eddie, you will do as you're told.

Aw, you're always picking on me.
You never holler at Marilyn that way.

Just never you mind
about Marilyn.

You must remember...
she's not as fortunate
as the rest of us.

Now you get on up to bed.
And don't forget to close the lid.

Night, Eddie.

I just came down
to say good night.

You got home early, dear.
Did you have a nice time?

[Clearing Throat]
Yes, I guess so.

Would you like a little
something to eat?

I have some warm ladyfingers
In the oven.

No, thank you, Aunt Lily.

Night, everybody.
Good night, Marilyn.

- Night, Grandpa.
- Good night, darling.

Marilyn...

I hope you're not going
to start that again, Herman.

Well, she's your niece, you know.
She's your sister's kid.

Nobody on my side of the family
ever looked like that.

It's just one of those unfortunate
things that happen. Poor dear.

I wish she'd get married.
We could use some fresh blood
in this family.

We'd all like to see her
get married.

But she just doesn't seem
to be able to hold a man.

Well, if you don't do
something about it soon,
we'll have her on our hands forever.

I have to do
something about it?
Why always me?

It's enough I have to go out
and scare up the rent every day.

You think you're the only one
who works hard?

How would you like to have to clean
nine rooms and a dungeon every day?

Will you stop the arguing?
There's enough noise in here
to wake the living.

Grandpa, we just don't want to see
Marilyn end up an old maid.

All right. All right.

I'll take care of it.
I'll get her a suitable beau.

You?
How are you gonna do it?

Well, don't you
worry about it.

Why, in the Old Country, whenever
we needed a man, didn't I always
manage to dig somebody up?

Hmph!

[Coughing]

L... l-I thought he was gonna
get a fan down there.

[Igor Screeching]

?? [Humming]

No, not now, Igor, please.

Go away. Go away.
Not now.

[Chuckles]
Now, let's see what we have.

"Poison apples, poison bananas,

poison fruit salad,
poison enchiladas." Hmm!

"Poison TV dinners."
Hmph.

"Poison." Now, why are you
showing me poisons, huh?

Can't you understand English?
"Potions," I said. "Potions."

Love potion, please.

Thank you. Aha!

There it is.

"To win the love
of man or maid,

"quaff this potion unafraid.

"To have the lover
of thy choosing,

shake the bottle well
ere using."

Now, the first thing to do is...
Ah, yes. Yes, yes.

Sift in a cup
of powdered whale heart.

?? [Humming]

A teaspoon of nightingale tongues.

?? [Humming]
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

A pinch of hexachlorophene.

?? [Humming]

A touch of Frank Sinatra.

And now,
for the secret ingredient...

a woman's tears.

Ooh, that's mighty powerful stuff!

?? [Humming]

Ah. Now.

If I could just get Marilyn
to drink this potion,

why, every man who sees her
will fall in love with her.

Oh, I tell you... if this stuff
turns out half as good...

as the batch I made
for Elizabeth Taylor,

why, then Marilyn will be
irresistible!

[Doorbell Rings]

Oh, it's you, Mr. Bloom!
Oh, yes. It's me, all right.

I thought it might be... them.

Since they moved in,
one has to be prepared
for anything.

Oh, you don't have to
tell me, Mrs. Cribbins.
Smell this.

What is it?
Garlic. Wards off evil.

Does it work?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, indeed.
Keeps their kind away.

Yes, well, I can understand why.
I mean, did you ever
see the wife?

She's not exactly what I'd call
a live one.
Mmm, you can say that again.

And the one they call Herman.
He has the kind of body you expect
to see fall out of a closet.

And this was such
a nice neighborhood
until they moved in.

Well, I suppose there's no use
putting it off any longer.

I've gotta deliver
a package over there.

Oh, by the way,
what are those workmen doing
out in your backyard?

Installing an electric fence.
Those Munsters are not
running me off my property.

But I don't want them
wandering over here,
if you know what I mean.

Keep them in their place.
That's the ticket, Mrs. Cribbins.

Good morning.
Morning.

What's that?
Oatmeal.

[Groans]
Oatmeal! Blech!

Why can't we eat
like we did in the old days?

Oh, uh,
is this Marilyn's bowl?

Yes, of course.
She always sits there.

Might as well start
without them.

You know, I, uh...
I don't feel so hungry right now.

I think I'll grab something later
in the laboratory.

Grandpa! You know you're not
supposed to smoke before breakfast!

Morning, Aunt Lily.
Good morning, dear.

I'm late. I gotta run.
I'll grab a cup of coffee
at the school cafeteria.

Oh. Very well, dear.
Uh, try not to get home
before dark.

Bye.

Oh, dear.
Everything's ice cold.

Morning, Mom.
Morning, Eddie.

Morning, dear.
Good morning, dear.

Isn't Marilyn coming down
to breakfast?
Oh, she's already left.

Oh. Well, that's just as well.
I wanted to speak to you
about her anyway.

Oh, you mean about
her problem with boys?

Yes. You know, Lily,

I think it's partially our fault.

What do you mean?
Well,

maybe we should try and be
more friendly with people.

You must admit that ever since
we moved into this house,

we've hardly had anything
to do with the neighbors.

They must think
we're terrible snobs.

If we don't make an effort to be
a little more friendly with
the people in this community,

we're never gonna attract
any young men to this house.

Well, for Marilyn's sake,
I'll try.

Good. That's the spirit.

Mmm.

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm!

Lily, it just came over me.
You've never looked more lovely.

Strange.
I was just thinking...

how particularly handsome
you looked this morning.

Isn't anybody gonna say
how lovely I look?

[Wind Howling]

I think there's someone
at the front door.

Well, whoever it is,

try and be a little bit
more friendly.

Of course.
Oh, if you're looking for me,

I'll be out back
watering the weeds.

- Yes?
- Um...
[Clears Throat] Eh...

A... A package.
Uh, s-sign here, please.

Thank you.

Well, hello there!
I'm Mr. Bloom, your postman.

Mind if I ask you a question?
Not at all.

Do you believe in love
at first sight?

Is it gonna be much longer?

Uh, uh, may l...
May I be of some assistance?

[Cries Out]

Mr. Bloom! Please!
Call me Warren.

Warren, please!
Call me Tiger.
[Growls]

Ooh!
I must look a fright.

Oh! Not at all, Mrs. Cribbins.

Yolanda.
After all, we are neighbors.

All right. Yolanda.

My friends call me Yo-Yo.

- Yo-Yo?
- What is it, darling?

Oh, my darling! My darling!
I love you! I love you!


- [Pounding On Door]
- [Pounding On Door]

[Girls Screaming]

I can't understand the way
that mailman carried on.

Perhaps I used
too much perfume.

And that Mrs. Cribbins,
the way she went for me.

[Chuckles]

Maybe I just
came on too strong.

A little bit of that old
Munster charm goes a long way.

I can't imagine
what he sees in me.

After all, I'm not exactly
a schoolgirl anymore.

Are you kidding?

Hah! Why, Lily,

you're as lovely today...

as the day I married you.

Oh, and you're
just as handsome.

You know, they just don't make
men like you anymore.

[Knocking]
Come in.

Will somebody please tell me...

what's going on
around this madhouse?

What are you talking about?
Mmm!
What am I talking about?

Here. I'll show you.
Come with me.

[Guitar Strumming]
[Mr. Bloom]
? Can it be the trees?

♪ That fill the breeze♪

♪ With rare and magic perfume♪

It's Tiger!

♪ Oh, no, it isn't the trees♪

♪ It's Warren Bloom♪

Poor devil.
You'd better go down there
and straighten him out.

I'll straighten him out.
No, no, Grandpa!

I'll go down and talk to him.
Oh, and Herman,

you might as well go over
and have a little talk
with Mrs. Cribbins.

She's been calling every minutes.
Oh, and whatever you do,

let her down easy.

Be kind to her.
All right.

But don't expect too much.
Uh, the woman's mad about me.

?? [Continues]

♪ That fill the breeze♪

[Crash]
[Mr. Bloom Yelps]

Well, hello there.

Mrs. Cribbins. Hello there.

I was just on my way over
to see you.

Oh, you naughty boy.
You promised to call me Yo-Yo.

Well, Yo-Yo...
Uh, Yo-Yo?
Hmm?

Feeling better, Mr. Bloom?
Oh, yes. Dear me, yes.

Much better...
now that you're here.

Oh, wait, now, Mr. Bloom.
That's just the sort of thing
I want to talk to you about.

Herman! Wait for Yo-Yo!
You really must
control yourself, Mr. Bloom.

Lily! Lily!
Excuse me.
My husband needs me.

I need you more!
Don't leave me, my pet!

Herman, wait for Yo-Yo.!

Darling.! My sweet.!

I love you.!
Don't you understand?

[Mrs. Cribbins Exclaiming, Indistinct]

[Mrs. Cribbins]
You will love me!

Boo!
[Screams]

No, my pigeon!
You bring out the beast in me!
[Growls]

[Knocking]
Front door!

[Knocking Continues]
Ohh!

Will somebody please
get that door?
Herman!

Lily!
Herman, wait for Yo-Yo!

[Grumbling]
No respect for old age.

Sorry, Grandpa.
I forgot my key.

Oh, I'm not surprised.

Nothing that happens
around here surprises me.

Oh, uh, incidentally,

how did your date go tonight?

I think this one
really likes me.
He's asked to see me again.

Of course.
That stuff never fails.

What stuff?

Oh, just a little something
I put in your oatmeal
this morning.

Love potion.
Makes you irresistible!

But, Grandpa, I didn't have
any oatmeal today.

Well, don't worry.
I'll mix up another batch
for you tomorrow.

I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, Grandpa.

Don't you see? This means
he likes me for myself.

Oh, well, but even so,

a little magic now and then
never hurts.

Grandpa, there's more than
one kind of magic.

Hmm. If Marilyn didn't get it,
I wonder who did.

I love you!

[All Shouting, Indistinct]

[Herman]
Control yourself!

[Thud]

I think I'd better go to my room.
That stuff s gonna wear off,

and it's gonna be
any second now.

Darling, darling.
I love you, my darling.

I love you with every fiber
of my being.

[Speaking French]

Eee!

[Exclaiming]

[Screaming]

?? [Whistling]

Well, dear,

think we let them down
easy enough?

[Both Chuckling]

Grandpa?

Did you get rid of
the rest of that love potion
like I told you to?

[Chuckles]
Yes, I got rid of it.

I don't like the way
you're laughing, Grandpa.

Just how did you get rid of it?

I, uh, threw it over the fence
into Mrs. Cribbins's garden.

I think I got her
right in the cabbages.

It was very nice of you
to come over this evening,
Mr. Bloom.

Frankly, since that terrible experience,
I've been afraid to be alone.

Well, it was very nice of you
to ask me, Mrs. Cribbins.

We bachelors don't get
a home-cooked meal
very often.

Well, I hope you enjoy
what I've cooked, Mr. Bloom.

Oh, I'm sure I will, Mrs. Cribbins.
Would you like a sniff,
Mr. Bloom?

Well, what is it,
Mrs. Cribbins?

Corned beef and cabbage...
the cabbage right out
of my own garden, Mr. Bloom.

Yo-Yo, call me Tiger!

[Growling]

Well, I guess it takes
all kinds of people...

to make a world.
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