Eddie, get your
surfboard in the car.
We're ready for the
beach. Okay, Mom.
Well, I'm all set.
With a little luck, I might
dig up a couple of old friends.
Is the hamper all
packed, Aunt Lily? Yes.
I even brought a jar of ants.
Good idea. Yes.
It would be just our
luck to get there...
and have none of the little dears
show up and spoil our picnic.
Here comes Pop.
Pop, are you really going to go
swimming when we get to Paradise Cove?
When we get to Paradise Cove...
I'm gonna swim out way
over my head and everything.
You can meet up with some very interesting
things way out in the briny deep.
So much for the national news.
We have a report of a Russian trawler
in local waters right off Paradise Cove.
So far, they've stayed
beyond the three-mile limit...
and they claim to be fishing.
But who knows what the results of
this little fishing expedition may be.
What a beautiful spot. Yes.
But it certainly
was strange, dear.
Those hundreds of people running
off the beach just as we arrived.
Well, it's probably just another
one of those jellyfish scares.
Herman, where are you going?
Hmm?
Where are you going?
I'm going scuba diving, dear.
And if I run into any
tasty-looking scubas...
I'll spear one, we can clean
it, and have it for supper.
Come on, Grandpa.
Let's find a spot where I
can bury you in the sand.
Okay, Eddie, but this
time bury me deep.
I don't want any crazy dogs
digging me up like last time.
That Russian trawler
spotted off our coast...
is still in the vicinity
of Paradise Cove.
They have their nets out and they
are still beyond the three-mile limit.
Well, good fishing, comrades.
Come on, Grandpa.
Okay, let's go.
These wolf burgers
are almost done.
Eddie, go down to the water
and call your father for lunch.
And by the way...
where did you bury Grandpa?
I sort of forget. He's
around here someplace.
Hey, Dad!
Dad!
Mom, I don't see Pop anywhere.
Nonsense, Eddie.
He's right over there...
Heavens to Betsy, he's gone!
Oh, dear. I hope
nothing's happened to him.
I knew I shouldn't have let him go
in the water without his sea horsie.
Aunt Lily, what
are we going to do?
Eddie, here, take this and
poke around for your grandpa.
I think I found him.
Can't a body even get
some shuteye around here?
Grandpa, something's happened.
We think that Herman's
been washed out to sea.
So what's the problem?
He's Sanforized.
We've got to find him.
I hope a whale
hasn't eaten my pop.
I wanted him to help me
with my homework tonight.
Why did he take up that
silly scuba diving hobby?
You know, Lily, when Herman
gets caught up in a hobby...
he really gets caught up in it.
Good night.
Well...
Scuba dooba do.
Oh, yeah? Well, the
same to you, Charlie.
What did the Bureau of
Missing Persons say, Grandpa?
Well, they say that
Herman didn't qualify.
Didn't qualify?
He's missing, isn't he?
He qualifies as missing,
but when I described him...
they said he didn't
qualify as a person.
Oh!
My poor pussycat.
Where, oh, where can he be?
I don't know how I'm gonna
make you chaps understand me.
You speak English!
Well, isn't it a small world.
Yes, I speak English.
Me speak English.
Me speak English.
Well... Where did you
learn it? On the TV.
We watch Russian
reruns, Dobie Gillis.
I'll be darned. TV.
It certainly is a great
medium for cultural exchange.
You very valuable
anthropological find.
Thank you.
I do my best.
Uh...
Say, listen, have you fellas
heard any good jokes lately?
I heard a keen
one the other day:
What has four wheels and flies?
Could be new secret w*apon.
Come on.
You're supposed to ask me,
"What has four wheels and flies?"
Okay, sea monster.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
A garbage truck?
Garbage truck.
Say, listen. You're
a very good group.
Here's another one
that'll really grab you.
Trawler number 47.
Reports finding missing link
near the United States of America.
Definitely puts Russians
ahead in missing link race.
Please advise.
Composite picture en route...
to Commissar on missing links.
Answer immediately.
This report top-secret.
Repeat. Top-secret.
I've just got a
Russian top-secret.
First one of the day.
Good work. What is it?
That's from a Russian
trawler just off our coast.
They radioed Moscow.
They found a missing
link in their fishing net.
Claim it's a scientific
breakthrough.
What's this missing
link look like?
Here is a composite we just drew up
from the Russian ship's description of it.
I can't imagine...
what that's the missing link to.
Just a minute.
Moscow is sending another
top-secret back to the Russian ship.
"Stupid idiots.
"From your description,
this is not missing link.
"You have obviously captured
new kind of American spy."
An American spy.
You'd better get this over to
the State Department right away.
They won't be back from
lunch yet. It's only 3:00.
That's a chance we're going to
have to take. Go on and get over there.
How often do the Russians
capture an American spy?
This is an emergency. Yes, sir.
Well, Grandpa, Herman
is nowhere to be found.
Have you gotten anything
on that crystal ball of yours?
Wait a minute.
I'm adjusting the fine tunings.
Hold it.
I think I'm getting
something now.
What is it? I see an ocean.
I see a boat. Do you see Pop?
Now hold it. It's
coming in clear now.
There he is. I see
Herman. What's he doing?
He's on a ship...
and he is leading up a bunch of
funny-looking men in community singing.
That's ridiculous.
But, Lily, I saw it.
It was right there.
That crystal ball has
never been the same...
since Spot sat on it for three
days and tried to hatch it.
♪ Down by the station ♪
♪ Early in the morning ♪
♪ See the little
puffer bellies ♪
♪ Standing in a row ♪
♪ See the engine driver ♪
♪ Pulling on his throttle ♪
♪ Toot, toot! ♪
♪ Toot, toot! ♪
♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪
♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪
♪ Off we go ♪
Now, everybody.
♪ See the engine driver ♪
♪ pulling on his throttle ♪
♪ Toot, toot! ♪
♪ Tweet, tweet! ♪
♪ Off we go ♪♪
Herman, you've
got to stop singing.
Why? What's the
matter? Was I off-key?
I just contact Moscow
on the wireless.
Do you know what
you are, Herman?
What I am?
I get it. It's gonna
be one of those jokes.
No, Valeiry, what am I?
You are a spy.
A spy? A spy?
A spy?
Valeiry, are you sure of this?
Moscow wired me this morning.
Our missing link
is international spy.
But I not want to tell you...
until after you finished that
lovely song about the puffer belly.
But I think there
must be some mistake.
If I was an international spy, I think
someone would have let me know.
I've been in the State
Department over 15 years...
and never saw a spy this ugly.
Yeah, Charlie, but you
never know what new
gimmick the top brass
might have come up with.
I guess you're right.
We'd better check it out and see
which department launched this project.
This may be top-secret stuff.
And that's a classified
face, if I ever saw one.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the
wall, the Cisco Kid is having a ball.
Never mind, John.
You don't have to use
the code. It's me, Charlie.
I just wanted to know...
if that thing the Russians say they
captured could be one of our agents.
Impossible. Impossible.
You, uh...
You've never seen him
around here, have you?
No, sir.
Well, then this is obviously
a crude Russian hoax.
Pass that on. This is
definitely a crude Russian hoax.
Dawson, this is just
a crude Russian hoax.
"State Department
exposes crude Russian hoax.
"Story of spy on
Russian trawler a fake.
"No such person exists."
Look, they have Pop's
picture in the paper.
That's my Herman.
That Russian trawler we
heard about on the radio.
They must have picked up Herman.
How could a grown man go
out for a harmless little swim...
and wind up being captured
by the Russians as a spy?
I'll admit it's difficult,
but in all the world...
only my son-in-law has the
talent to do anything that stupid.
"Russian spy story a fake."
Oh, to be embarrassed in front
of our glorious leader like this.
By the way, who is our
glorious leader this month?
Never mind.
I know who our glorious
leader is. I was just testing you.
What message should I send
to the fishing boat, Commissar?
To think that Mother Russia
should be embarrassed...
in front of the
whole world like this.
Here is the message
I want you to send:
Whatever you have
found, missing link...
deep-sea creature...
whatever this
ugly, ugly thing is...
do not bring it back.
Get rid of it immediately.
Dump it into the ocean or
whatever, but get rid of it.
I have your message, Commissar.
"Russian Pipe Dream."
Stroke.
Stroke.
Grandpa, do you think
we're doing the right thing?
I tell you, Lily, this
is the only way.
If the State Department
won't help us...
we'll have to rescue
Herman ourselves.
I guess you're right.
But we better hurry.
There's no telling what those
people will do to Herman.
He's so defenseless.
Do you think the Russians
will brainwash him?
If they do, I hope
they're careful.
I'd hate to have a son-in-law
with a dishpan brain.
Thank you.
Thank you, friends.
You heard the message
from the Commissar?
Herman has got to go.
Yeah, but who's got
the heart to tell him?
Now, ladies and
gentleman... I have plan.
We give Comrade
Herman farewell party.
I see.
We kiss him on both cheeks
and then we sh**t him.
He's too nice guy for
Russki farewell party.
We give him nice, decadent
American farewell party.
Like in MGM musical.
Good, we have much
singing, dancing, laughing.
After that, all of a sudden,
we shuffle him off to Buffalo.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Listen, Grandpa. They're
torturing poor Herman.
Do you think he'll
be able to hold out?
Don't worry, Lily. He's
got nerves of steel.
Yes, but I just hope they
don't rust in this damp air.
♪♪
It was a fine idea we give
Herman farewell party, Gregor.
It was only way we
could get him to leave.
It's times like this I'm glad
I'm a Lawrence Welk fan.
Notchey, baby, you're a gasser.
And I thought he was in danger.
And what do I find?
Herman-a-go-go.
Lily, maybe they are
there torturing him.
I mean, that's not exactly Juliet
Prowse he's wiggling his watusi with.
Well, I'll put a stop to that.
They just don't build these
things like they used to.
Herman?
Lily.
And Grandpa.
What are you doing out here
in the middle of the ocean?
That's what we'd
like to ask you.
Who are they?
You read your
propaganda booklets.
They're capitalistic
tools of Wall Street.
In the books they wasn't green.
You know what I think?
I think that you are just
a carousing playboy...
and so are all of
your wild friends.
Just playboys.
Playboys! Playboys!
No, Lily, that one's a girl.
Herman, I'm ashamed of you.
My son-in-law,
the dirty old man.
Herman, you are coming with me.
Yes, dear.
But, lady, we're only
having a little farewell party.
Well, farewell to you.
You just take your
yacht of corruption...
and revelry and sail
on, home wreckers.
Don't talk that way
in front of my friends.
Herman, come along.
Well, fellas, Notchey, goodbye.
If you're ever in Mockingbird
Heights, look me up.
That's what Americans
are really like.
Holy mackerel,
what party poopers!
Let's go.
♪♪
Lily, won't you let me explain?
Grandpa...
will you tell that miserable person on
the couch that I am not speaking to him?
Miserable person on the couch...
your wife is not
speaking to you.
You hear that, you fathead?
Please, Grandpa, just translate.
Never mind the
editorial comment.
Even I'm surprised at you.
I never thought my dear,
sweet, kind uncle would go ape.
Well, golly-gee. How would you like
it if you were pulled out of the ocean...
in a fishnet and
dumped into a hole...
and have a bunch of people
think you were a missing link?
I tell you that sort of thing is
very damaging to your psyche.
Why were you carousing
with those people?
Well, Lily, I was just trying to be one
of the boys and friendly and all that.
After all, dear, I am a member of the
Junior Chamber of Commerce, you know.
You've just got to forgive me.
The way they do on
television every afternoon...
on The Guiding Light.
Go ahead, Lily.
Make up with the big slob
before he starts blubbering...
and washes all the furniture
out into the street again.
Well, all right.
I forgive you.
Thank you, dear.
That's real wizard of you.
But I want you to forget about
those Russian friends of yours...
and all of that singing and
dancing and carrying on.
I certainly will,
dear. I promise.
All right.
Now, come on upstairs,
we'd all better get to bed.
I'll be up in a
minute, sweetheart.
♪ Down by the station ♪
♪ Early in the morning ♪
♪ See the little
puffer bellies ♪
♪ Standing in a row ♪♪
Hey!