02x06 - Happy 100th Anniversary

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Munsters". Aired: September 24, 1964 – May 12, 1966.*
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1313 Mockingbird Lane revolves around a family of monsters.
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02x06 - Happy 100th Anniversary

Post by bunniefuu »

Now that's what I call a body.

They sure knew how to put
them together in the old country.

The old family coach. You
know, that body was handmade.

What a fun car.

Oh, look, isn't
that Uncle Boris?

That's Uncle Boris, all right.

He was a real swinger.

Look at this.

It must be some
sort of beauty contest.

Herman, that's your
wedding picture.

No wonder they're
such attractive people.

The date's right here
in the corner: 1865.

Eight...

Herman, doesn't that
date mean anything to you?

Let me see...

Oh, yeah, I've got it. That was
the beginning of the w*r of 1812.

No, 1865.

That means that this Saturday, you
and Lily will have been married 100 years!

Oh, boy! Our anniversary.

And Lily hasn't mentioned
anything about it.

You know what I'm gonna do, Grandpa?
This Saturday, I'm gonna surprise her...

and buy her a wonderful gift.

A gift. Good, Herman,
good. What kind of a gift?

Something that will
make her kiss me...

and throw her arms around
me and hug me to pieces.

Herman, okay, all right.
Herman, you're 150 years old.

Don't line up anything
you can't handle.

Just think, Aunt Lily...

this Saturday it will be 100 years since
you and Uncle Herman were married.

Oh, yes.

I'll never forget the reception
in the old family mausoleum.

I tell you, some people
got up and danced...

who hadn't danced in years.

What do you think Uncle Herman
will give you for your anniversary?

I don't know, but I'm going to
surprise him with a beautiful gift.

Do you think he's
forgotten your anniversary?

Of course he has. You know how
things keep flying in and out of his head.

Sometimes I think I should
get the doctor to put in screens.

Oh, looky what
we've got for dessert.

Cherries Jubilee.

Thank you, Marilyn.
You forgot to light it.

Here, Lily.

Allow me.

Heck, Grandpa, I
wanted to light my own.

Speaking of what each of
us is gonna do this Saturday...

I was wondering if you had
any particular plans, dear.

This Saturday? Why
do you ask, Herman?

Well, I just thought if you
didn't have any special plans...

I might finish up a little
work down at the parlor.

You're going to work
at the parlor Saturday?

We had a little expl*si*n
in the back room

and things are still
kind of up in the air.

Did you have any plans?

Oh, no. No.

I'll go get some coffee.

Just a minute,
Marilyn. I'll help you.

I'm gonna give some of my
dessert to Spot, while it's still burning.

Come and get it, Spot.

You know what I'm gonna
do? I'm gonna surprise Lily.

We have $1,200 in our bank
account. I'm going to draw out $1,000...

and buy her a
super-neato present.

Something really
ring-a-ding-ding.

Aunt Lily, did you hear what Uncle
Herman said about working Saturday?

That means he's completely
forgotten your wedding anniversary.

I know he did.

But this gives me a
chance to really surprise him.

Marilyn, I'm going to take
$1,000 out of our bank account...

and get him a fantastic present.

You got a problem,
Brenton? Oh, yes, Mr. Hoglan.

These two checks just came in at the
same time, against the Munster account.

They're both for $1,000.

Well, how much is in
the account? Only $1,200.

There's nothing
we can do about it.

Just send them both back
marked "Insufficient Funds."

Oh, goody! I just love
to use that rubber stamp.

How do you like that?

Herman, will you stop waving
that thing in front of my face?

I've seen bum checks before.

Grandpa, how could they do
this to such a sweet fellow...

who just wants to buy his
wife a wedding present?

Now what am I gonna do?

Herman, there's only one
thing you can do: moonlight.

You get a part-time job at night to
earn enough money to buy Lily a present.

But Lily might get suspicious if I got
extra-curricular nocturnal employment.

Herman, then all you have to do is tell
Lily you're working late at the parlor.

Then when you've earned enough
money to buy her the present, you quit.

That's a good idea.

That's a good idea.

You know, Grandpa...

when the chips are down, it's nice to
have a no-good sneak like you to turn to.

"Insufficient funds."
It's a disgrace.

We Draculas have always
had a little something...

tucked away in the
vault for a rainy day.

I guess you'll just have
to get Uncle Herman...

a less expensive
anniversary present.

Oh, that's a shame.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I could take a
part-time job to earn the money?

Well, you could
do that, Aunt Lily.

What do you suppose
happened to the bank balance?

Well, you know, there's always such a
lot of expense when you raise a family.

Last year, Eddie's teeth
started coming in straight...

and we had to buy
a new pair of braces.

Of course, it was worth it.

I wouldn't want that boy going
through life with false fangs.

I'm gonna get down
there this morning.

Herman, let me give
you a piece of advice.

When you talk to
the interviewer...

you're a charming, good-looking
fellow. Don't spoil it by being aggressive.

Thank you, Grandpa.

"Don't spoil things
by being aggressive."

Herman, what are you doing?

I'm writing it down
in my goody book.

Oh, boy.

Herman, I thought
you'd left for the parlor.

Just leaving, dear.

Lily, I won't be
home for dinner.

I'm working overtime
at the parlor tonight.

As a matter of fact, I'm working
late every night this week.

Well, Uncle Herman, you just
keep working hard for Mr. Gateman...

and maybe this Thanksgiving
he'll give us another beautiful turkey.

Yes. Remember the one last year?

It looked so natural,
lying on the platter...

with its legs folded
across its chest.

Well, toodle-oo. Come on,
Grandpa. Walk me to the car.

That's a break, Aunt Lily.

With Uncle Herman
working every night...

you'll be able to take a
part-time job in the evenings.

Yes.

Marilyn, I'm going down
for an interview this morning.

The Cleaver Employment Agency.

Come in.

I'm Mr. Munster.
They said I was next.

Yes, Munster.

I'll close the door. There
must be a draft in here.

You see, there?
You do have a chill.

You really must keep
out of these drafts.

I'll be all right in a minute.

Are you applying for employment?

Yes, I was looking
for some night work.

Offhand, I'd say that your
chances are infinitely better...

of acquiring the
night position...

as opposed to going
out in the daylight.

I mean, I think you'd
do fine. Working at night.

Well, you see, I already do have
a day job. I work in a funeral parlor.

And, frankly, I really dig it.

Excuse me.

Let me get that straight.

You say your previous
employment was as a nurse's aide.

That's right, Mr. Walpole,
with Florence Nightingale.

You say you'd like to take a
job under your maiden name.

What is your maiden
name? Dracula.

Dracula? I don't believe we've
ever had a Dracula in here before.

Oh, really?

It's a very common,
down-to-earth name in Transylvania.

Excuse me, I think I need
another drink of water.

Thirsty, Parker? Yes. I
kind of ran into a tough one.

Really? Well...

say, old buddy, how would
you like to trade interviews?

You got a rough one?

No. Mine's strictly routine.
Just thought I'd help you out.

Thank you, old man.

It sure is a shame you had to go through
five different interviewers today...

down at the employment agency.

At least they finally
gave you a job.

That's right, Marilyn.

I'll be working every night
this week at the shipyards.

Don't you look chic in
your welding ensemble.

Thank you, dear.

You know, the man said the
job would not only pay me...

enough to buy
Herman a present...

but would keep me
off the streets at night.

Wonder what he could
have meant by that?

♪ Mama's little baby
loves shortnin', shortnin' ♪

♪ Mama's little baby
loves shortnin' bread ♪

♪ Mama's little ♪♪

What's the matter, Grandpa?

Don't you recognize your
own son-in-law, the welder?

Herman, you gum-brain. What
are you doing in that ridiculous outfit?

Well, guy, Grandpa. I got a job.

I'm working down the
shipyards every night.

And I'll be making
enough money...

so I can get a real neato
anniversary present for Lily.

Besides, on a job like this, you
meet some very interesting people.

Peek-a-boo.

Oh, boy, Marilyn. I've got a secret
to tell you that I just can't keep.

But I have a secret to tell
you. Now, let me tell mine first.

Wait a minute. I'll tell...
It's very important...

Wait a minute, I've got it.

We'll both tell our
secrets at the same time.

I suppose we could.

Okay. On your mark, get set, go.

Herman's working at the shipyards!
Lily's working at the shipyards!

That's funny, I thought you said
Uncle Herman's working at the shipyard.

And I thought I heard you say
that Lily's working at the shipyard.

Which, of course, is
preposterous. No, it isn't, Grandpa.

Aunt Lily is working at the
shipyards. The Crosby Shipyards.

But that's where Herman is
working. The Crosby Shipyards.

Isn't that touching?

Each one of them got a job to give
the other an anniversary present.

But, Marilyn, wait a minute.

If they both find out that they're working
there, it'll spoil it for both of them.


We'll just make a promise
not to tell either one of them.

Okay, good. And
we'll swear it in blood.

We'll just shake hands.

I'm shaking hand,
but I'm thinking blood.

Well, Herman, how did your
first night go on your new job?

Grandpa, I had a blast.

I met a welding partner
who's a very wonderful person.

What kind of a man is he?

Well, he isn't exactly a man.

Then he's a boy.

No, he isn't a boy, either.

Herman, if your welding
partner is not a man...

and he's not a boy, what is he?

He's a girl.

Oh, you met someone
your first night on the job?

Yes, Marilyn, working
right next to me.

And we had such fun trying to
communicate through all that noise.

I guess they're taking on lots of
women again at the shipyards.

I suppose she's a typical
American housewife like you.

She's not exactly a housewife.

A little more rugged. You
mean, she's sort of a tomboy?

Well, no.

She's just sort of...

a plain, ordinary boy.

You mean your welding
partner is a man?

Aunt Lily.

Burn. Burn. Burn.

Another toasted marshmallow?

Thank you, Grandpa.

I don't like the idea of Aunt Lily
talking to some strange man on her job.

Especially with Uncle
Herman at the same shipyards.

Suppose he saw them?

Listen, Herman has his eye
on some cutie down there.

Suppose Lily saw them?

I guess there's
no chance of that.

There are thousands of
people working at that shipyard.

Yes.

Herman, I still don't think...

that you should be horsing
around with that lady welder.

There's no telling
who might find out.

It might even get back to Lily.

Lily who? Lily, your wife.

I think any woman who forgets her
husband's 100th wedding anniversary...

has no call to be jealous.

Anyway, that lady welder
and I are just friends.

Just because I'm
a welder, you know,

doesn't mean I'm
carrying the torch for her.

Fine. Okay, Herman, but
may I ask you something?

Why are you making
so many sandwiches?

I just thought if at work
my co-worker gets hungry...

she might like to dip into my
lunch pail as a gesture of friendship.

Aunt Lily, I hate to give you
advice, but if I were you...

I wouldn't encourage that welder
friend of yours at work tonight.

I'm not going to
encourage him, Marilyn.

I'm just going to share
my supper with him.

But, I think if Uncle Herman
found out he'd be very upset.

How could he find out? He's
working at the parlor nights.

Anyway, a husband who
forgets his anniversary...

doesn't deserve too
much consideration.

Hope my friend
likes bat milk yogurt.

Badge number 13,
report to me at once.

Badge 13, report at once.

Boar's head knackwurst.

Bat's milk yogurt.

He must like the
same thing I do.

Heavens to Betsy!

Could this
provocative stranger...

be my husband, Herman?

The Admiral is making a little
inspection trip. So keep on your toes.

Aye, aye, sir.

Badge number seven,
report to me, please.

Badge number seven.

Boar's head
knackwurst sandwiches.

And bat's milk yogurt.

Just like Lily makes me at home.

Isn't that a coinci...

Lily.

Gadzooks.

I've been flirting
with my own wife.

The Admiral's making
an inspection trip.

Now he's a stickler
on workers' morale.

So let's be on the
ball when he gets here.

Everything will be
shipshape in my section, sir.

I hope.

This is Admiral Melford.

He's making a little inspection
to boost the workers' morale.

Take off your
helmets and say hello.

Come on, take them off.

Flirt with a stranger in
the shipyards, will you?

Is that any way to
respect our marriage?

What are you talking about?

You were flirting with a big goon
and you didn't even know it was me.

Shame, shame, shame.

Herman Munster, I'll
teach you. Take that.

You two-timer.

Poyer, this is the worst
morale I've ever seen.

These people are fired.

Aunt Lily, Uncle Herman, you're
acting like a couple of children.

Now, listen, you two. I've
got this whole thing figured out.

After you hear
what I have to say...

your marriage will be all
peaches and cream again.

I hate peaches. I hate cream.

You both got jobs at the
shipyard. You worked side by side.

And you both wore welding masks,
so you weren't known to each other.

Herman didn't know who I was...

so he thought he was
flirting with somebody else.

Flirt, flirt,
flirt, flirt, flirt.

Now wait a minute. You were
unknown to each other, but still attracted.

Underneath, there was
still that spark of romance.

Even under the masks, you knew
you were made for each other.

You two fell in love with each
other all over again. Sight unseen.

And do you know what day it is?

Happy anniversary, Lily.

Happy anniversary, Hermie.

To think that you were working
down at those shipyards...

just to buy me a present.

And to think that you were
working down there to buy me one.

And now we both got fired...

and we have nothing. Oh,
yes, we do. We have each other.

Isn't that neat?
Isn't that touching?

Isn't that romantic?

Isn't that sickening?
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