Lily, I think Eddie's
home from school.
His books just came in.
I hate the whole world.
I'll never talk to anyone again.
Never, never!
Never, never, never, never!
Herman.
Herman.
Oh, Herman, what's
happened? Where's Eddie?
Lily dear, I don't want to
come to any hasty conclusions...
but I think our little
boy is rather upset.
Really, Herman.
Tea anyone?
I'm worried. It must be
something serious with Eddie.
He didn't even come
down for supper.
I say it's the
modern way of living.
When I was his age, a kid
would go out in the back...
dig in the dirt and
bury his frustrations.
Well, something's bothering him.
Maybe our little Eddie has found
out about the birds and the bees.
I know I didn't sleep for two weeks
when I found out that their making honey...
was just a sideline.
There's something
wrong all right.
I just knocked on Eddie's
door and he howled at me.
Oh, my.
That is a bad sign.
He usually doesn't howl
until the moon comes up.
Herman.
Herman, as head of the house, I
think you should get to the bottom of this.
Now, you go right on upstairs and
have a father-and-son talk with your boy.
My gosh, Lily, I'm not very
good at that, you know, dear.
You're his mother.
Why don't you go up and have
a father-and-son talk with him?
No. A thing like that
is up to the father.
Anyone who's watched Father
Knows Best for nine years
ought to know that.
All right, but Donna Reed always
handles these things on her show, you know.
Oh, I don't know what
you are all worried about.
In my time, when
I was his age...
all us Draculas
were spoiled rotten.
Well, Grandpa, all children
can't have the advantages we had.
Eddie, are you in there?
Eddie, don't use that
tone of voice with me.
This is your father.
Now open the door.
Thank you. Now, Eddie.
I have come up here so that we
might have a little father-and-son talk.
Why don't you come right
over here and sit down?
Fine.
Now, what seems
to be the trouble?
They sent me home from school
today with a note from my teacher.
I see, and what have you done
with this note from your teacher?
I ate it.
That was very naughty of you.
You know that we do not
like you eating between meals.
I'm sorry.
Now, let me see.
If you came home with a
note from your teacher...
we can safely assume
that there was some trouble.
Hmm?
Hmm.
And trouble usually involves
poor academic performance.
Viz., to wit, and ergo,
you failed arithmetic.
No, sir.
History? No, sir.
Citizenship? No,
sir. I flunked tonsils.
Aha!
You see, my boy.
You should not have taken
the course in the first place...
if you did not think
you were up to it.
No, Pop, my tonsils.
The school nurse looked in my
mouth and said I had crummy tonsils...
and I ought to have a doctor look at
them and they might have to come out.
I don't want them to come out,
'cause they're the only ones I got.
Now, now, now, Eddie.
Having your tonsils out
is a very minor operation.
There's nothing to it.
They'll have them out as fast
as you can say Jackie Robinson.
Are you sure, Dad?
Sure, I am sure. Your old dad has
learned never to get upset or emotional...
over minor medical matters.
Now, just open up your little mouth
and let your old dad have a look-see.
Tonsils.
Mom! Grandpa!
Pop hit the deck, right in the
middle of our father-and-son talk.
3:00 and all's rotten as usual.
Oh, 3:00.
I just hope Herman gets Eddie to
the doctor's in time for his appointment.
It doesn't pay to
neglect a boy's tonsils.
But what do you need with a
doctor? I could have taken care of it.
You? Sure.
When I used to fly
around in Transylvania...
I was one of the busiest
throat specialists in the country.
Oh, now, there was a business
a fellow could sink his teeth into.
You know, that
Dr. Willoughby is a good doctor.
But I wish he wasn't
so nearsighted.
Last year, when Herman
broke his leg skiing...
he came here on a house call and
he put a splint on Herman's bedpost.
Well, let's take a look
at his tonsils, all right?
Now, my boy.
Now, just open wide like this.
Ah!
That's it.
Say, that's the worst looking
set of tonsils I've ever seen.
And look, why, there's a little
hole in the back of them right there.
We'll have to sew
that up immediately.
Doctor, you're looking at
your own tonsils in the mirror.
Huh? Ooh!
They used to yell at me about
that at Johns Hopkins all the time.
We might as well
take his temperature.
It never hurts to
do that, you know.
After all, he might
have a fever.
Here, this isn't going to do your
throat any good, smoking cigars.
Now, where is that thermometer?
It's right there in your pocket.
Yes, of course.
My goodness.
Slippery little
rascal, isn't it?
Why, you have no temperature
at all. You're not sick.
But let's have a look
at those tonsils anyway.
Now, just open up, please.
What is he saying, Mr. Munster?
He says he won't
open up his mouth.
And that you're
a ratfink doctor.
We won't have any of that.
Come on now, junior, open up
your mouth and I'll give you a lollipop.
Would you get him to open
his mouth, Mr. Munster?
If I do, will you
give me a lollipop?
I'll give you a hit in the head if
he doesn't open his mouth soon.
I'll tell you that.
You heard him, Eddie.
Now, open up your mouth
for the nice ratfink doctor.
Well, okay.
You're a kind boy.
The kind I don't need.
Let's see, there.
It's dark in there, all right.
Just a moment.
Do you see his tonsils, Doctor?
I see a lot of goodies.
That pancreas is real boss.
But those tonsils
will have to go.
I'll get him to a real tonsil
man. It won't hurt him a bit.
He'll only have to spend a
few days in the doctor place.
Shucks, I'll miss being in
the school play this Saturday.
I was supposed to play the
wolf in Little Red Riding Hood.
I've been practicing
my howl all week.
Now, now, Eddie. I'm sure
the doctor knows what's best.
Yes. Before you
leave, Mr. Munster...
would you care to
have a look-see?
Do I have to?
Why not?
After all, you wouldn't
be squeamish...
about looking at a silly
little old tonsil, would you?
No, I guess not.
Hit the dirt! Earthquake!
Every man for himself!
Eddie's tonsils came
out with no trouble at all.
Yes.
And when we left
him in the hospital...
he was sitting up in
bed eating ice cream.
You see, Herman, I told
you it was no big deal.
You stayed home and
hid in the closet for nothing.
Come on, let's go
right down and see him.
Herman, Dr. Willoughby thought
it best if you didn't go and see him.
But why not? I'm his dad.
You see, dear, he explained
to me that he didn't want you...
walking into Eddie's
room and upsetting him...
by crying and screaming
and fainting and all that.
The medical term he
used was "going ape."
What are they talking about?
Why shouldn't we go
down there and see him?
Do they think that a
man of my background...
is going to faint at
the sight of blood?
I'm sorry, but that's
doctor's orders.
You'll see Eddie tomorrow.
They just don't want
you down there tonight.
Come on, Marilyn. Good
night, Grandpa, Uncle Herman.
All right, Herman. What
are you going to do now?
I guess I'll just go upstairs and put
on my Al Jolson record of Sonny Boy...
and cry myself to sleep.
No, you won't.
We're going to go down
there tonight and see that boy.
Lily might found out and
she might yell at me...
and not make me my
chocolate-chip cookies...
and all sorts of
mean stuff like that.
Lily won't know. We'll
sneak out of the house later.
And when we get to the
hospital, we'll surprise everybody.
You know, for a rotten old
father-in-law, you're really a fun guy.
Grandpa?
Grandpa, I can't see.
Give me a hand.
Come on along, come on.
Watch it. Sorry, fella.
Wait a minute. There
is Eddie's woof-woof.
Let's take it to him.
Just checking, Herman.
Excuse me, lady.
Could you help us?
You poor man.
When did it happen?
Just this afternoon.
Oh, dear.
You should have
brought him in sooner.
I would have, but his
wife wouldn't let me.
You just stay right there and
I'll get a couple of attendants.
They certainly give very fine service
here. We don't need any attendants.
Eddie is in 517. We
can find it by ourselves.
Come with me.
We'll take the elevator
to the fifth floor.
The equipment must be faulty.
Come on, we'll have
to take the stairs.
I don't see him. He
was standing right here.
If he's as bad as you described,
he couldn't have gone very far.
The two of them
were unbelievable.
I must have been seeing things.
Miss Hazlet, I think you've
been working too many nights.
Hermy.
Marilyn!
Marilyn, come here!
I thought it felt like
he needed a haircut.
What is it, Aunt Lily? Look.
Herman has flown the coop.
Oh, dear. Now, where could
he go at this hour of the night?
I don't know.
Unless he went to the Theda Bara
Film Festival at the all-night movie.
Now there, Aunt Lily.
Underneath it all, you know
that Uncle Herman is really good...
and kind and true.
You're right, dear.
But I just wish he
wasn't such a goofball.
"No visitors after 8:00.
Authorized personnel only."
Darn!
I guess we'll just have to go
home without seeing Eddie.
Now, Herman. Listen, what's it gonna
hurt if we sneak in and see Eddie?
But, Grandpa, the
doctor might see us.
And he might get angry.
And I don't want to run into any more
mad doctors in my lifetime, thank you.
Okay, we'll use subterfuge.
Instant authorized
personnel. I'm a doctor.
What about me?
I got it. Come with me, Herman.
Just lie down.
But, Grandpa...
Please, would you listen to
me? Now lie down, please.
Get yourself nice
and comfortable.
Tuck you in.
There. Now...
just lie still, and I'll wheel
you right into Eddie's room.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
I'm going to sneak around the
corner and see if the coast is clear.
Now, you just lie
there and be still.
Those careless orderlies.
They left another emergency
patient lying around out here.
Herman.
Herman.
Herman.
Herman.
Herman.
Doctor, this was
out in the hall.
The boys probably went on their coffee
break. Well, let's have a look at him.
I'm afraid we're too
late with this one.
Doctor, this is the man who
came in here a few minutes ago.
That's me all right. He's alive!
You've got to be kidding.
I just came in to see my boy
who had his tonsils out today.
Listen to that,
Doctor, he's delirious.
Now, just take it easy, fellow.
Were there any other
survivors? I don't know.
We better give him a
sh*t to calm him down.
Good idea. But I...
Just relax, sir.
Now, just a minute.
Not making those
needles like they used to.
I tell you, I just came
in to see my little boy.
Now you guys, cut this out.
Herman?
Here, Herman.
Doctor, what's the
matter? I lost a patient.
Look, you don't tell on
me, I don't tell on you.
Herman.
But I tell you, I am
not an accident victim.
I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!
I'm just an ordinary average
citizen and I want to get out of here.
Give him a sh*t of gas, so we can at
least calm him down enough to examine him.
Gas, but I am trying to
tell you... Just be careful.
Breathe out and
breathe in, please.
First time I ever saw that
happen. Keep feeding it to him.
We better scrub up and then
get the chief resident, Dr. Monroe.
Will the gas have
any ill effects, Doctor?
No, it's just nitrous oxide.
He'll wake up feeling
happy as a lark.
They used to refer
to it as laughing gas.
That's fine. Come on.
Herman.
Herman!
Herman.
What are you doing here?
This is the emergency room.
What are they doing to you?
Darn, he's asleep.
Come on, Herman, you've got to
get up. I have to get you out of here.
All right now,
iddy-biddy-widdle-Herman.
It's time to get up.
Grandpa's going to
take you, bye-bye.
Oh, boy, bye-bye.
Where on earth can Herman be?
Why would he sneak out
like this without telling me?
Maybe he felt depressed
and couldn't get to sleep.
He might have taken a walk in the
cemetery, that usually cheers him up.
I get so mad at him when he
pulls something stupid like this.
But he is a good father
and a good husband.
Conscientious, sober...
What's that?
That sounds like some
tanked-up playboy to me.
♪♪
Marilyn, that tanked-up
playboy is your Uncle Herman!
♪ Darling, I am growing old ♪
♪ Silver threads
among the gold ♪♪
Hey, Grandpa, this is neato.
Listen, sweetie, you
got great place here.
I hope we are not too
late for the floorshow.
Herman Munster,
tonight of all nights...
with your son
lying in the hospital.
How could you come
home in this condition?
I'm not in this condition,
I'm just full of gassing laugh.
Uncle Herman.
To see you now, no one would ever
think you were a charter member...
of the Pat Boone Fan Club.
Now, listen, he's just
full of laughing gas.
Be quiet!
When we sneaked into
the hospital to see Eddie...
the doctors thought
he was a patient.
Herman, is this true?
Sure it's true.
And if it hadn't been for this
friendly little penguin here...
I never would have made it
home. Thank you, little penguin.
♪ Red sails in the sunset ♪
♪ Away up in the blues ♪
Wait, that's not the words.
Uh... ♪ Darling, I
am growing old ♪♪
So you see, Eddie, like I
told you from the beginning.
Having your tonsils out was
nothing to worry about at all.
Gee, no, Pop. They were
real nice to me in the hospital.
They let me crank
the bed up and down...
and eat ice cream
and watch television.
Wasn't that nice? Yeah,
and you know something?
On daytime television, they have
the re-runs of the late, late show.
You know, Eddie, I still
have my original tonsils.
The first time the doctor
looked at them, he said:
"My boy, you'll carry those
tonsils with you to your grave."
And he was right. I've
done it many times.
Pop, would you like
to look at my tonsils?
Oh, uh...
Well, I can't. The doctor took
them out, down at the hospital.
Sure, but I brought them
home in a jar. I'll go get them.
Son!
"Brought them home in
a jar." Now, isn't that cute.
3:00, and the knucklehead
is still out of tune.