03x13 - Louise Forgets

[bunniefuu]

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We've finally got
A piece of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
In the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't
burn On the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up that hill ♪

♪ Now we're up
In the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

♪ As long as we live
It's you and me, baby ♪

♪ There ain't nothin'
Wrong with that ♪

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We've finally got
A piece of the pie ♪♪

Sure is a beautiful
morning, ain't it, baby?

Mmm. But it's cold
out there, though.

Know how I can tell? Mm-hm.

Because all the pigeons on
the terrace are wearing earmuffs.

[GUFFAWS]

I got to hand it to you, Weezy.

You burnt my bacon
just right today.

Wonderful.

You didn't hear a
word I said, did you?

Huh?

Oh, yes, I did.
More coffee, right?

I ain't finished that cup yet.

Good.

Would you get your head
out of that damn book?

What the hell is that anyway?

It's a wonderful book. I got
it to improve my memory.

Oh! George!

Your cup was still full. Why
did you ask for more coffee?

You don't need a memory
book. You need a hearing aid.

I'm sorry, but this
is fun, George.

You use key words
to help you remember.

For example, if you wanted
to remember the alphabet,

you say, "Animals are
gathered in the barn,

where we see a cow
standing next to a donkey..."

Oh, Weezy, that's ridiculous.
I already know my alphabet.

Besides, ain't no
barns in New York.

Well, what's that
got to do with it?

There aren't any donkeys
in New York either.

Oh, no? One just
bought that book.

[GUFFAWS]

I've already memorized
a lot of useful information.

Like what?

Like all the state capitals.

Hmm.

Go ahead. Ask me a
state capital from any state.

North Dakota.

Okay.

All I got to do is
remember the key words.

Mmm.

North, day, coat.

I picture a man on a stallion,

riding north for a day,

wearing a fancy coat.

[LAUGHS]

Weezy, that don't make no sense.

Yes, it does,

because the man on the stallion

is the famous
German m*llitary leader.

You put that all together

and you've got
the state capital.

Hitlerhorse?

Of course not. It's Bismarck.

What difference does it
make? I ain't ever going there.

But I am going to work.
See you later, Weez.

Aren't you forgetting
something, George?

No.

See? I don't need nothing
to help me remember.

[LAUGHS]

Would you like to
borrow my memory book?

[GROANS]

I just did that to test you.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, good morning,
Mr. Jefferson, sir.

I'm glad I caught you at home.

Ralph, look, I already
got my paper, thanks.

Oh, this isn't your paper,
Mr. Jefferson. It's mine.

Well, actually, it's
Mr. Hackenschmitt's paper, 19B.

He dropped it in the wastebasket
on his way out this morning.

I always say,
"Waste not, want not."

A little yogurt there.

Our Mr. Hackenschmitt
loves his health food.

If you don't mind, I'm
on my way to work.

Yes, but I must talk
to you about a tip.

A tip for what? You ain't
did nothing but made me late.

Sir, it isn't a tip
for me, it's for you.

Oh, you're going to
give me some money.

In a manner of
speaking, yes, sir.

You see, last night,

I stopped off at Charley's Bar

and I overheard a
couple of gentlemen

discussing a hot stock tip.

Stock? Uh-uh.

Look, anybody that
buys some stock

just because of
something they overhear

from somebody
they don't even know

is a sucker.

I quite agree, sir.

That's why I thought
you'd be interested in this.

Say what?

This, sir.

H.L.W. Funding Corporation?
What's so special about that?

Well, sir, I put two and
two together and made one.

Huh. I got a tip for you, Ralph:

See a psychiatrist...
or a math teacher.

I mean one big man, sir.

Somebody I'm close to every day.

As a matter of fact,

I walk his little dog, Capital
Gains, every morning.

His initials are
H.L... Whittendale!

You are astute, sir.

You put together
your two and two

even quicker than I put
together my two and two.

That's why I'm on
this side of the door

and you're on that side.

There you go again, sir. I
sure wish I had your brains.

Oh, they probably
wouldn't work in your head.

It's the wrong color.

[LAUGHS]

Anyway, sir, from what I heard,

this stock, which is now
selling at a dollar a share,

will, inside of a
month, quadruple.

Five times as much?

I'm going to make a fortune.

Thanks, Ralph.

Ah, thank you, sir.

You won't tell nobody
else about this, will you?

Well, sir, sometimes I
do tend to gossip a little.

But just to a few old friends.

My lips are sealed, sir.

Thank you, Ralph.

Well, now I've got to call
my stockbroker. Oh, boy!

Money falling from
everywhere around the world.

George, I thought you had left.

Mmm. I'm calling my stockbroker.

Damn it, the line's busy.

I'll bet everybody and his
brother trying to get in on it.

George, you've got that
look in your eye again.

Come on, Weezy, we just
finished eating breakfast.

I mean you are thinking

of taking another wild plunge
in the stock market, aren't you?

This is a sure thing.

That's what you said about
soybeans, and lost your shirt.

Don't worry. This is
money in the bank.

That's what you said about
soybeans, and lost your shirt.

But look, Weezy,
this is different.

See? Pacific Stock Exchange.

H.L.W. Funding Corporation. See?

So?

So what do the initials
H.L.W. stand for?

"Husband Loses Wife"?

Henry L. Whittendale, the
bank president. It's his company.

And see what
he's selling it for?

A dollar a share.
That's a steal.

Oh, it's still busy.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I hope the smart money
don't start buying in.

Well, the dumb money sure is.

Oh, hello, Tom.

Hi, Louise. I'm just returning
your hot-water bottle.

Oh, thanks. Is your electric
blanket working again?

Oh, this wasn't for our bed.

I wanted it for the
football game last night.

Oh, was it a good game?

I don't know. We didn't stay.

Why?

Willis, you gonna
hang around all day?

Good morning, George.
Oh, the financial page.

Taking another plunge
in the stock market?

No, he's taking another
dive into the soup.

I keep telling you,
Weezy, this is a sure thing.

Look, any of Whittendale's
companies is a good investment,

especially for a dollar a share.

Look... A dollar a share?

Whittendale is
strictly blue-chip.

What company are
you talking about?

Company? I didn't hear me
talking about no company.

Ah, come on, George,
you can tell me.

Yeah, I can tell you goodbye.

Well, I'm probably better
off not knowing. Bye, Louise.

Oh, Tom, wait a minute.
This isn't our hot-water bottle.

Oh, dear, you noticed.

Ours was a red one.

A thin red one.

What?

I used it for a seat
warmer at the game.

Unfortunately, I picked a
seat with a large splinter on it.

And that's why you didn't...

BOTH: Didn't stay
to see the game.

I dripped all the way home.

Still busy. Oh, I got to
get down to the store.

Where have you been?

Out jogging around
the block. I'm in training.

Good. It's about time you
learned how to move faster.

Oh, it ain't for that.

See, Mrs. Jefferson,

some of the ladies in our church

decided to take this
class in self-defense.

Oh, good for you.
What do they teach you?

Well, it's a kind of
judo. And it's so polite.

Polite? Yeah.

You face your opponent,

smile at him real
nice, bow to him,

and then you kick
him below the belt.

Ugh!

What you learning that for?

You thinking about
getting married?

I'm learning it

because most of the women I know

is afraid to walk
the streets at night.

So are most of the men.

Look, you're wasting your time.

There ain't no woman
no match for no man.

Ha! You wrong about that, honey.

Just come at me.

This is the most
ridiculous thing...

Ha! Ooh!

What the hell kind
of fighting is that?

Dirty. The same way
the muggers fight.

Now get on your feet, turkey.

Ow! Hey!

And here's how we
call for the police.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

That's very good, Florence.

Are you all right, George?

Are you kidding?

I've just been att*cked
by the bionic maid.

Hi-ya!

Let me out of here.

Hey, Weezy, send this
special delivery for me, will you?

All right.

And keep calling
that stockbroker.

Tell him I want 5000 shares
of H.L.W. Funding Corporation.

Five thousand?
George, that's a lot of...

Weezy, what's on the
back of that envelope?

"Make sure flap is sealed."

Got the message?

Weezy! Weezy!

She's out shopping,
Pop. What's up?

What's up? I'll
tell you what's up.

H.L.W. Funding,
that's what's up.

So?

So it's up to $5 a share. I
bought 5000 shares at a dollar.

You mean you're 20,000 ahead?

In just two days!

This stock is gonna keep
going up and up and up!

All right!

I knew what I was doing! sh**t.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
I know my stuff, man.

LOUISE: Somebody
open the door for me!

Weezy! Mm-mwah!

Hey, Lionel, help your
mother with this stuff.

Put all the groceries
in the kitchen

because we are going out
on the town to celebrate.

Celebrate what?

Your husband's intelligence.

Oh, just a small celebration.

[LAUGHS]

Good one, Weezy,
but the joke is on you.

Remember that stock I
told you to order for me?

Stock? H.L.W.
Funding Corporation.

Oh, yes. What about it?

We hit the jackpot.
It's up to $5 a share!

Five dollars a
share? Are you sure?

There it is.

Look, go get changed,

because the Wolf of Wall
Street will be howling tonight.

Hey!

Five dollars a share?

Hey, Mom, you want me to
put the meat in the freezer?

Five dollars a share?

Yeah. Pop sure made a k*lling.

That's nothing to the
k*lling he's going to make

when he finds out I
forgot to call the broker.

How am I going to tell him?
What am I going to tell him?

Mom, you forgot.
People do forget.

Yes, but I'm not
supposed to. Why not?

Because I'd learned

that the animals are
gathered at the barn,

where they see a cow
standing next to a donkey.

Are you all right, Mom?

Of course I'm not.
I'm a nervous wreck.

Your father will
never forgive me.

But you didn't do it on purpose.

I know that, but
he'll think I did.

I was against it
in the first place

and he'll never believe
that I really forgot.

Forgot what?

Ah... Uh, ribs.

I know how you love ribs
and I forgot to buy them.

That ain't the only
thing you forgot, is it?

It isn't?

You forgot something
more important

than the ribs, didn't you?

George, I want you to know

I didn't do it deliberately.

You've got to believe that!

It's okay, Weez.

It is?

Yeah, because with
all this excitement,

I almost forgot myself.

[CHUCKLING]

You almost forgot what?

The same thing you forgot.

What do you think I forgot?

That we're going out
on the town tonight.

Ain't that right?

Yes, that's it.

[CHUCKLING]

Weezy, when I told you
to call that stockbroker

and order the 5000 shares,

the look you had on your face

was... just like
the look on it now.

Uh, George, I, um...

I have to tell you something.

Go ahead.

Not now, George. Later.

When?

On our 50th wedding anniversary.

Weezy, you said you had...

Oh, stop hounding me, George!

Okay, okay. Forget it, hmm.

That's what I did. Huh?

Lionel, you tell him.

Uh-uh. No, children should
be seen and not heard.

You got something
to tell me or not?

Okay.

It's... It's, uh...
[DOORBELL RINGS]

It's the doorbell!

What's wrong with you?
I've got to get the door!

What's wrong with
your mother? Nothing.

And there's nothing
wrong with you either.

I love you both.

Oh, Tom! Come in. Come in!

Look who's here, Tom Willis.

Sit down, Tom.

George, maybe Tom
would like a drink.

Oh, no, no. No, thanks.

Well, I'll have a double.

A double what?
Whatever's the quickest.

[CHUCKLING]

Can't you wait till we go out?

Oh, you're going
out? I wish I'd known.

I would have told
Mr. Whittendale

to make it some other night.

Whittendale to make
what some other night?

I got into a conversation
with him a little while ago

down in the garage.

What's he doing down there?

Working on his car engine.

Hah. See that, Weezy?
That's how the rich get richer.

See, Whittendale don't spend
his money on no mechanic.

No, no, no. That's his hobby.

He loves working
on his 1941 Packard.

Why don't he just get a new car?

He's got enough money.

Well, actually...
Never mind that.

What were you talking
to Whittendale about?

How well you were doing
with that new company of his.

What did he say?

He said, "What new company?"

[GUFFAWS]

He's probably wondering
how I found out about it, huh?

[CHUCKLING]

Maybe that's why
he wanted to stop by

and talk to you tonight.

What? Whittendale's
coming to see me?

Well, that's what he said,
but since you're going out...

Who's going out?

Look, I wouldn't
leave this building now

if King Kong was
hanging from the terrace.

Huh!

I've been trying
to meet that dude

since we moved in here!

I better get dressed.

You are dressed.

Oh, yeah. Ah!

Imagine that, Weezy.

Whittendale's coming to see me.

We're on our way, Weez, and
who knows where we'll end up.

If I'm lucky, just divorced.

Well, I guess I'd
better be going.

Good idea.

What?

Oh, thanks. You
done me a good favor.

It was nothing.

I know. I'm just
trying to be polite.

Oh. Oh, oh!

You really scared
me half to death.

How?

You almost said something nice.

Well, come on, Weezy!
Don't just sit there!

Get this place cleaned up.

Lionel! Get out here.

Where's the fire?

Under your feet.

Run down to the store

and get those magazines
that nobody ever reads.

Huh?

The kind they have
in dentists' offices.

Oh, you mean like U.S.
Finance and Consumer Reports?

Right. I got to make an
impression on Whittendale.

It's important what he thinks.

Pop, he's gonna think

you steal your magazines
from your dentist.

Pick me up a copy of
my Wall Street Journal.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! Wow, it's
been a heck of a day, Weez.

Whittendale's coming to see me.

I just made me 20,000 bucks.

[WHISTLING]

Money isn't everything, George.

Yeah, you're right, Weezy.
Money isn't being poor.

Money isn't being hungry.

Money isn't being cold.

Everything that money
isn't, I'm glad we ain't got.

Ha! Mm-mwah!

Uh, George, I hate
to spoil your evening,

but I've got to be
honest with you.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I have to tell you
the truth about something,

and you're not going to like it.

Weezy, don't tell me you've been
messing around behind my back.

You know I wouldn't
do anything like that.

Oh. Well, if it ain't that, it
can't be that bad. Ha-ha-ha!

You sure you won't get mad?

How could I get mad at a
wonderful woman like you?

Oh, okay, George.

I forgot to call the broker
and order your stock.

You forgot?!

She f... She forgot!

Of all the dumb,
stupid... Wonderful?

Look, how could you
remember something

as hard as Hitlerhorse,
North Dakota,

and forget something as
simple as making a phone call?

I didn't forget the phone call.

The keywords were Kojak,
bogus and Culligan Man.

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

You see, "Kojak"
means Telly Savalas.

"Bogus" is phony,

and "Culligan Man"
is something you call.

"Telly," "phony," "call."

Tellyphony call. Get it?

Yeah, I got it, but
evidently, you didn't!

How come you didn't
make the phone call?

Because I forgot
who I was calling.

Oh, no!

[PIERCING WHISTLE]

What the hell is that?

Well, how should I know?

[WHISTLING, DOORBELL
RINGING, KNOCKING]

But whatever it is,
it's getting closer.

FLORENCE [SCREAMING]:
Open the door!

Oh, it's that dumb Florence.

Call the police. Quick!

Don't let him get away!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[YELLING] Police!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Stop blowing that damn
thing! What's happening?

A mugger tried to
att*ck me in the elevator.

What? Oh, my God.

Are you all right?

Yeah, thanks to my judo.

I'll get him.

Wait, hold it. I ain't
got no judo training.

The elevator door just shut.
He's on the way to the lobby.

Call and tell Ralph to grab him.

Ralph? He'll do
anything for a tip.

Yeah, you're right.

You'd better sit down.

You must be quite shaken up.

No, I'm fine. I was the winner.

Hello, Ralph? George Jefferson.

Look, a man just tried to
mug Florence on the elevator.

The elevator's on its way to
the lobby. Grab him! Grab him!

Florence, tell us what happened.

Well, one of the main
things they taught us

in our self-defense class

was to watch out for
strange men in elevators.

Of course, that don't mean

you don't have to be careful
in the streets and in subways...

The elevator, Florence.

What happened in the elevator?

Oh, well, see, I
got on the elevator

and I pushed a button to go up,

but instead of going up, it
went down, to the basement.

And then this man got on,

and he was wearing
this dirty old jacket

and these dirty old pants.

And he looked at me with
his dirty old beady eyes.

Go on. Go on!

I knew right away he
didn't belong in this building.

And that's when you hit him?
No, because I still wasn't sure.

I just kind of stared
at him like this:

Did that make him nervous?

It sure did,

because then he said,
"My, isn't it warm in here?"

and he took off his jacket.

And a big wrench fell
out right on the floor.

That's when you
let him have it? No.

That's when he
picked up the wrench.

And that's when you
let him have it? No.

Will you shut up and
let her tell the story?

Go on, Florence.

Well, I still wasn't sure,

but when the elevator
stopped at this floor and I got off,

he got off and
started to follow me.

Mm. Well?

Well, ain't you going to say it?

Say what?

"That's when you
let him have it"?

'Cause that's when
I let him have it.

Oh, Florence, what
a terrible experience.

Florence, you did great.

[PHONE RINGING]

That turkey's lucky he
wasn't there when I ran out.

I'd have tied fire
to his tail. Hello?

Ralph! Did you get him?

Good.

Huh?

Say what?

You're kidding.

Look, Ralph, forget I called.

There's 20 bucks in it for you.

Okay? Good.

You know who that
man was on the elevator?

Jack the Ripper.

No, you dummy. You just
judoed H.L. Whittendale.

Whittendale? He
lives in the penthouse.

That turkey followed
me out on this floor.

Because he was coming to see me!

Oh, my goodness
gracious! Lord, have mercy!

You mean I hit an innocent man?

I'll never forgive myself.

Good, because
that makes two of us.

George, don't yell at Florence.

She didn't know who he was.

Well, I hope he didn't
know who she was.

Only way I'll get to
see him now is in court.

Hey, did you hear
what just happened?

Mr. Whittendale was just
att*cked in the elevator.

No? Mr. Whittendale?

Who would do a thing like that?

How is he?

Oh, he's all right now.

Just a little shaken
up, that's all.

Thank you, heavenly Father.

Did he see who hit him?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no.

He said the man was
disguised as a middle-aged lady.

Who's middle-aged?

Look, stay out
of this, Florence.

This don't concern you.

Just get back in the kitchen
and att*ck those pots and pans.

Middle-aged? Hm! Who's
he calling middle-aged?

He's old as Methuselah!

Well, wait till
you hear the story

about the stock
that Pop invested in.

I don't want to hear
any more about it.

Look what they're
calling it, Pop.

"The sensation of Wall Street."

Hear that, Weezy?

I said I don't want to hear it.

Brokers say they've
never seen anything like it.

Did you hear that?

Lionel, why are
you rubbing it in?

"H.L.W., the Horace Logan
Wayburn Funding Corporation..."

Wayburn?

"Is the biggest fraud
since gold bricks."

What?!

I can't hear you.
I can't hear you.

It's all a scam. A rip-off.

You know, you're lucky Mom
didn't make that phone call.

Yeah.

She saved you 5000 bucks.

[LAUGHS] Hey! Hey, Weezy...

I don't want to hear it.

No, no, no. It's all
right, Weezy. I love you!

You do?

That's right. I love you.

Oh, George. You're
so good to me.

How can you be so forgiving?

That's the kind of man I am.

Ha, ha, ha! Oooh!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: The Jeffersons was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

♪ Movin', movin' on... ♪