03x19 - The Marriage Counselors

[bunniefuu]

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We've finally got
A piece of the pie ♪

♪ Fish don't fry
In the kitchen ♪

♪ Beans don't
burn On the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

♪ Just to get up that hill ♪

♪ Now we're up
In the big leagues ♪

♪ Gettin' our turn at bat ♪

♪ As long as we live
It's you and me, baby ♪

♪ There ain't nothin'
Wrong with that ♪

♪ Well, we're movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To a deluxe
apartment In the sky ♪

♪ Movin' on up ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ To the East Side ♪
♪ Movin' on up ♪

♪ We've finally got
A piece of the pie ♪

This has really
been some winter.

Yeah. You said it.

Did you know that it
snowed all last night?

Yeah, I heard it.

You heard it snowing?

Yeah. I heard it on the radio.

[SINGS GOSPEL TUNE]

Whoo, I'm in the
spirit today, child.

Well, I'm gonna
leave for church now.

Florence, do you
have to go today?

There's a lot of snow out there.

That don't make no difference.

The good Lord's gonna be there,

and I sure don't want
to disappoint him.

That's a lovely sentiment.

Besides, I'm singing in
the church choir today.

Oh, the reverend must be really
happy to have you in the choir.

Why, thank you, Mr. Jefferson.

Because there ain't nobody
gonna fall asleep while you singing!

[LAUGHS]

Forgive me for
saying this, Lord.

I know you made
everybody in your image,

but you sure
struck out with him!

Did you hear what
she told him about me?

Well, you brought it
on yourself, George.

I'm sorry I said
that, Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, you are?

That wasn't very
Christian of me.

And when I'm in church
today, I'm gonna pray for you.

And please ask him

to make George a little
more understanding.

I ain't gonna be there
but a couple of hours,

not a lifetime!

Oh, Florence. Hi, Florence.

It's your in-laws!

Do you have to yell the bad
news all over the building?

Hi, Louise.

I brought you the French records

you wanted to borrow.

Oh, thanks. I mean, merci.

How are the lessons going?

Oh, fine.

I think it's a great idea,

learning another language.

Hey, George, why don't
you share the fun with her

and learn how to
speak French too?

Why should I learn
how to speak French?

They send me
the bill in English.

Are you going out?

Yep. We're going
out to throw snowballs.

In this weather?

It's hard to make
them in the summer!

Why are you all hanging
all over each other like that?

It's love.

It looks more like drunk.

You're not really going to
throw snowballs, are you?

We sure are! We sure are!

Then we're gonna take
a walk through the park.

And buy some hot chestnuts.

Want us to bring you
some nuts back, George?

No, thanks. You two
are enough for one day.

I'm so excited.

We haven't done stuff like this

since we first started
going together.

We'd ask you to join us, Louise,

but this is something Helen
and I have to do by ourselves.

Oh, I'm glad,

because the only place I like to
see snow is on Christmas cards.

Well, I must confess,
if it hadn't been for MI,

I would never had thought
about running around in the street

picking up snowballs.

On this street, you'd better
be careful that's all you pick up!

[LAUGHS]

What do you mean "MI"?

Who's MI?

Oh, it's not a who, it's a what.

MI is Marriage Improvers.

It's an organization
that helps people

to improve their marriages.

And it's sure helped
us this past week.

Oh, Helen, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you
were having trouble.

Oh, we weren't. MI isn't for
marriages that are in trouble.

It's just to make
marriages better.

Look, if you want to
make your marriage better,

you don't need MI, you need DC.

DC?

Divorce court!

Oh, George!

But I don't get the point.

Neither did we,

till some friends
talked us into trying it,

and it was worth every cent!

Now Helen and I
are different people.

I could've told you
that for nothing.

Knock it off, George!

What do you mean "different"?

Well, MI made us realize
that a lot of the old romance

had gone out of our lives.

What our marriage needed
was a breath of fresh air.

And that's why you're
going out in the snow?

Yeah, it's kind of
like an adventure.

We're doing something
crazy together.

Something romantic.

Something romantic.

It does sound like
fun, doesn't it, George?

Why you have to be romantic,
you're already married?

There. You see, Helen?

We could have
become just like him.

Not you!

But how does this MI work?

Well, it teaches
you how to share.

And it's really peaceful.

You go away to a
motel for the week.

You're supposed to do
that before you get married!

George!

I think everybody
could benefit from it.

Why, Helen and I never
realized what problems we had.

Willis, me and Weezy
got a great marriage,

and we ain't got to go to no
crummy motel to talk about it.

Tom and I discovered
we'd been hiding things

we weren't even aware of.

There were some things about
him other people knew but I didn't.

Aha! The wife is
always the last to know!

Not those kind of
things! Little things.

Little things mean
a lot, you know.

Oh, why don't you
write a song about that?

I think this Marriage Improvers
sounds very interesting.

Why don't you come
to one of the meetings.

Yes, they're having
a meeting next week.

You and George could
come as our guests.

Sorry, that's out! I'm
gonna be working that night.

I didn't say what night it was.

I'm gonna be working
any night the meeting is on.

Oh, that's a dangerous
sign, George.

Staying at work
to avoid the issues.

No. I'm staying at
work to avoid the ghetto!

Sorry, Helen, I guess
the meeting's out.

Well, let's go, darling.

It's too bad. I think you're
making a mistake, George.

No, we made the mistake,

thinking George
would be interested

in something worthwhile.

Them Willises got some
nerve to come down here

and tell us something's
wrong with our marriage.

No, George.

They just said you could
make a good marriage better.

They didn't say there
was anything wrong

with our marriage.

Hmm!

There isn't, is there?

Isn't what?

Anything wrong
with our marriage.

George!

No! There's nothing wrong!

We got a great marriage!

Now, will you shut up
and let me read the paper?

It sure is wonderful
being reassured like that.

Oh, this is funny.

If it's funny, let me hear it.

I need a good laugh after
talking to them goofy Willises.

I don't mean funny, ha-ha.
I mean funny, peculiar.

Oh, then it's
about the Willises?

No, we were talking
about marriage,

and here's a quiz on it.

It's called "Is Your
Marriage Really Working?"

You want to try it?

No way.

Ah, come on,
George. It could be fun.

Look, Weezy, I ain't got no
time for no dumb questions.

Well, you just
flunked the first one.

Say what?

It says right here,

"Refusing to take this quiz

"could indicate one is trying
to hide one's marital problems

by denying them."

Does it say anything about
one's wife bugging one

while one's trying to
read one's newspaper?

You aren't afraid of answering
these questions, are you?

Of course not! Ask
me, ask me anything.

But I ain't answering
nothin' about sex.

You just flunked the next five.

Come on, Weezy, are you
gonna ask me a question or not?

Okay, okay. See, what is
your answer to this one?

"I can't be happy

unless I always put my mate's
happiness above my own."

That's the way I
am. That's wrong.

"Putting your mate's
happiness above everything else

isn't love, it's worship."

Huh.

Then you got nothing to worry
about, because I was lying.

What?

Well, I just said that

because I figured that's
what you wanted to hear.

I was afraid to say
what I really thought.

Aha! Aha what?

You just flunked question 11.

"Do you share your
fears with your loved one?"

Weezy, how can I fail
a test I ain't even taken?

Believe me, you're flunking it!

Damn it, this ain't fair now!

Don't shout, George! I'll
shout if I want to shout.

Okay, but you just
blew another one.

"Are you unable to
have a simple discussion

without it turning into
a shouting match?"

I'm tired of this! I don't
want to hear no more!

Ain't nothin' worse than a bunch
of dumb, dumb, dumb questions!

Unless it's a bunch of
dumb, dumb, dumb answers!

Will you just forget
about this stupid test?

Just like you forgot
Valentine's Day?

Valentine's Day?

Every year since
we've been married,

you've given me a
box of chocolates,

But this year, nothing.

Look, Weezy, I didn't forget.
I was just thinking of you.

What?

Well, you are getting kind
of heavy around the hips.

Oh, so now I don't
look so good to you?

No, no, no, you look great to
me! Bigger and better than ever!

Come on now,
Weezy. This is crazy!

What are we fighting about?

We got a great marriage!

I'm not so sure any more.
The Willises were right.

Our marriage does
need improvement.

No, it don't!

We are happy, you hear?
Happy! Happy! Happy!

I'm happy, see? Ha! Ha! Ha!

You're happy! You
have always been happy!

And you're gonna keep on
being happy, even if it kills you!

Where are you going?

Down to Charley's Bar to
celebrate how happy I am!

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry I had to call Ralph
to interrupt your snowball fight,

but I didn't know what to do.

Oh, it's okay. It was getting
too one-sided anyway.

Tom hit me twice
as much as I hit him.

How come?

I'm easier to see in
the snow than he is.

Oh, I'm sorry. We shouldn't
joke at a time like this.

If it hadn't been for you two,

I wouldn't have realized that
our marriage needed help.

But George won't admit it.

Couldn't you persuade him

to come to one of our
Marriage Improvers meetings?

They're having
one next Thursday.

We could be divorced by then!

We're not trained
counselors, you know.

But, say, Helen, maybe
they could try these.

Yeah, and we know
how the MI method works.

Maybe we can get George to
try some of the things we did.

Can you do them in public?

Oh, sure. The things we did
in private were our own idea.

Oh, George, you're back!

No, this ain't me.

It's Sidney Poitier
coming to dinner!

Now, George, don't
start another fight.

I ain't starting no
fight! Yes, you are!

No, I ain't.

I'm too happy!

[LAUGHS]

Hold it you two.
Maybe I can help.

Yeah, you can help.

You can help your wife
up to your own apartment.

George, I asked Tom
and Helen to come here

because we've got a problem.

That was dumb!
They are the problem.

That's like a mouse asking
the cat to guard his cheese!

Oh, so now I'm a
piece of cheese, am I?

I didn't say that!

Yes, you did! No, I didn't!

George, why don't you sit down

and let's talk this
over rationally.

Good idea.

He went into the john!

Well, you told him to sit down.

George, come out of there.

Stop acting like a child.

Maybe that's the
way to get him out,

treat him like we did
Jenny when she was a child.

Oh, yes. That's a
good idea, Helen.

Okay, George, don't come
out. GEORGE: I'm not!

That's right.

You just stay in there,

and everybody out here will
have a good time at the party

and eat up all
your birthday cake!

Birthday cake? Birthday cake?

Well, that's how it
worked with Jenny.

Maybe we'd better leave, Louise.

I don't think you need
MI, you need the UN.

I guess you're right, Helen.

George is just jealous

because you've got a much
better marriage than he has!

That's a lie!

They got a lousy marriage.

Then how come they've
been so happy together

all of these years?

That's just a cover-up!

What?

You two got to stay together.

Because if you split up,

you know people would
be talking about you.

If me and Weezy split up,
ain't nobody gonna say nothing!

I'd say plenty! Look,
just shut up, Weezy!

Look, black coffee is stronger
than coffee and cream any time!

But it ain't as sweet!

Look, me and Weezy got the
best marriage in this building.

Then why are you
so scared to test it?

I ain't scared of nothing.

Yes, you are.

You're afraid to try some of
the exercises we did at MI.

No. I ain't. I ain't
afraid of no exercise.

Look, I used to
exercise every day

when I was in the
service, when I was boxing.

Not those kinds of
exercises, George.

No, it's no use, Louise.
He's scared, all right.

All right! All right! All right!

Bring on your
exercises. Come on.

I'm gonna prove to you
that Weezy is happily married

no matter how miserable
she thinks she is!

Okay. Now you both
sit here on these tables.

George, you sit right here,
and, Louise, you sit over here,

and face each other.

Now, this is a simple exercise
to help you communicate.

This is stupid!

Me and Weezy don't
have to communicate.

We live in the same apartment.

George, communicating
is somebody talking

and somebody listening.

I know that!

Then do the last half!

The whole purpose of this

is to show each other
what's on your minds.

What's on my mind is
getting this over with.

Uh, what do you do?

Well, you sit here
facing each other,

knees touching
and holding hands.

Okay, now what?

Well, just relax.

Uh, why don't you start, Louise?

Just mention whatever
comes to mind.

What am I supposed to do?

You answer her with the first
thing that comes to your mind,

without thinking!

Just like you always do, George.

Okay? Go!

Okay.

Uh, hot. Cold.

Sweet. Sour.

Good. Me.

"Me"? How did you come by "me"?

Because it's good of
me to sit through this junk!

George! That's
all right, Louise.

If that's the first thing
that came to his mind,

that's what he should say.

Go on.

Uh, high. Taxes.

Low. Interest.

Money. Trucks.

Hold it. I know I'm not
supposed to interrupt,

but what does a truck
have to do with money?

Plenty. Truck goes by
curb, splashes mud on suit.

Suit goes to cleaners.
I make money.

Wait a minute, you two.

The whole purpose of this thing

is to dig into
your relationship.

Yes, you must be
much more personal.

Now just forget that we're here.

I wish I could.

Now, listen, you...

It was the first thing
that popped into my mind.

Start again.

And this time, make it personal.

Marriage. Ring.

Sex. Seven.

I said "sex."

Oh, I thought you said "six."

For a minute there,
he had me worried.

I'll try again. Sex.

Red light.

What?

Red light! That means
that's the end of the line!

Whoa! Stop! Dead end!

Look, I'm not opening
up our bedroom door

to Peepin' Tom here!

I don't think this
is working, Tom.

You're right.

Why don't we get to the thing
that really helped us the most?

You mean role reversal? Yes.

What's that?

Well, you pretend you're George,

and George pretends he's you.

For what?

You see, when you put yourself

into another person's place,

it helps you to understand
his point of view,

how he thinks, what
his problems are.

Look, Weez, this is
all a bunch of kid stuff.

No, it isn't.

Listen, the Indians
had an expression,

"Never judge another man

until you've walked in his
moccasins for two moons."

That's why they all
had athlete's feet.

George! Are you going
along with this or not?

Okay. Okay. I'll
pretend to be Weezy.

But I ain't wearing no dress!

You don't have to.

Now, Louise, you're George.

And you can pick your
favorite part of the day.

Good. I'll be coming
home from work.

And what will you
be doing, George?

I'll be reading the sports
page and drinking a beer.

No! You're Louise, remember?

You have to do something
she would be doing.

Oh, in that case, then I'll
just sit here and do nothing.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[LAUGHS]

She locked herself
out! Ain't that dumb?

Yeah. She's playing you.

What you doing here?

Hi, Weezy!

Oh, George! You're home!

I think it's so wonderful

that my man has been
out making all this money

to get all these
wonderful things for me,

more than I deserve!

Ain't you forgetting something?

Yeah! When do we eat?

Oh, you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah.

How did everything
go at work today?

Great! Just great!

I opened up three new stores,

so I'll hardly be
home from now on.

[LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY]

Oh, that's wonderful!

I think it's great that I
got a man who's so smart

to keep me in
all of this luxury.

Now, I'd never say
anything like that.

Well, you ain't you now.

I'm you. And you said it!

Tom!

He can say what he wants.

That's how you'll find out
what he's really thinking.

But... Keep going, Louise.

Anything new, Weezy?

Nothing much. We're
having company for dinner.

Who? The Willises.

No way!

Looking at them is
gonna spoil my dinner!

I agree with you, George!

But what can I do? They keep
pushing themselves in here.

He's not playing fair!

I wouldn't say
anything like that, either.

That's what's wrong with you!

If you did once in a while,
we'd get along better!

TOM: Now wait a minute!
Look, you stay out of this!

You ain't even come
down for dinner yet!

Hold it! This isn't
getting anywhere.

You're both too angry!

You've got to get
rid of your hostility

or nothing will work.

You're right, Helen.

And this is what's
going to do it.

What are those?

They're batacas. They're
made of foam rubber.

It's the best way to get relief
when the pressure builds up.

What's the matter with
bicarbonate of soda?

You don't understand, George.

What you have to do is take
one of those and hit Louise.

Hit Louise? Anywhere
but in the face.

Look, I ain't never hit
Louise a day in my life,

no matter what
stupid thing she did.

Do I get to hit him back?

You sure do.

It doesn't hurt.

And this'll help you both
get rid of all that anger.

Go ahead, hit him.

This is kind of weird.

Uh, I don't know.

Believe me, Louise,
you'll feel much better.

Well, if you say so.

Like that?

No, like this!

You're right, Helen.
I feel better already.

Oh, yeah!

TOM: Get him, Louise.

Lovely. You're
doing much better.

Come on, Louise. Very good.

Get rid of all the hostilities.
Get the juices flowing.

You know something, Willis?

For once in your
life, you were right.

I feel much better now.

Me too.

That's the whole point! You see?

You've gotten rid of that anger.

Now you can speak
freely and easily

and clear up any
problem, no matter how big,

without fighting.

Good. Is this what they
do at those meetings?

Sometimes.

Well, me and Weezy
ain't got to go, then.

When we get uptight, we'll
just b*at each other's brains out!

That's not fair because
Louise will always finish first!

Well, I guess we can go now.
May we have our batacas back?

No, wait a minute.

I got one little teeny piece
of anger to get rid of yet.

Oh, go ahead. Let her have it.

Ow!

Hey, you can't do that!

Why not? You said it
was good for everybody.

That's right!

Oh, George! I'm gonna...

Stop it! Stop it, I said!

You ought to be
ashamed of yourselves,

fighting like that
on the Lord's day.

Florence, would you like it if
I never got mad at you again?

That would be a blessing.

Would you like it if you
never got mad at me?

Now, that would be a miracle.
Okay. Stay right there a minute.

What's wrong with you?!

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: The Jeffersons was
videotaped in front of a studio audience.

♪ Movin', movin' on... ♪