[banging on door]
Who's there? (man) Mailman.
[door creaking]
Special delivery.
Sign here, please.
[clanking] Thank you.
You know, Lily, I think our
mailman is overcoming his shyness.
He used to stand across the street
and throw the mail over our wall.
What's the special delivery?
It's a box from Transylvania.
The last time we got a
box from the old country...
there was somebody in it.
I think this is a little
too small for that.
[ticking]
Lily, it's ticking.
It's ticking. It's a time b*mb.
[screaming]
Your rotten old relatives are
trying to blow us all to smithereens.
Quick, get a pail of water,
get a fire extinguisher.
Grandpa, Marilyn. Come quickly.
Herman, don't hold it. It's
dangerous. You're right. Here.
Herman, come back here.
We've kept it under the
water for 20 minutes now.
I guess we can take it out.
It's probably from Uncle Boris.
You know, he and Rasputin always
used to exchange bombs at Christmastime.
Stopped ticking. Open
it up, Uncle Herman.
I'll just take it over
here by the light.
[sighs]
[starts ticking]
It started ticking.
It's ticking, ticking,
ticking, ticking.
[exclaims] Herman,
son-in-law, dear.
Would you like to know
what's ticking? What?
The clock on the wall.
Dumb old clock.
Hickory dickory dock.
He can't tell a b*mb
from a cuckoo clock.
Never mind him,
Pop. What's in the box?
Just hold on a
second and I'll tell you.
I hope it's one of those fruitcakes
with the raisins that wiggle.
[grunts]
I'll be darned.
It's a legal document...
from our cousin Wolverine's
lawyer in the old country.
Cousin Wolfy?
But he passed away
three years ago.
I know, but he's
just done it again.
And this time...
he's left us $10,000.
Boy, can we use this
money, or can't we?
[both laughing]
Herman, we sure can. Look, we'll
sink it into one of my inventions.
Now, as soon as we cash
the check... Wait a minute.
I'm not going to have you two fritter
away this money on some silly invention.
[clears throat]
As a matter of fact, I've always wanted
to open a little business of my own...
and make a little extra
income for the family.
[chuckles]
That's a good idea, dear,
but I am head of the house.
[scoffs]
I have an idea. Now, Uncle Herman,
why don't you take half the money...
and, Aunt Lily, you
take the other half...
and we'll see who can
put it to the best use?
Good idea.
Well, all right.
[laughing] Oh. Herman...
we'll use your half of the money
to perfect my greatest invention.
This invention is a machine...
that will transmit electric
power through the air...
without the use of wires.
Oh.
(Lily) Well, you two
can do what you want.
But I'm going to enter a field
where I have a natural aptitude.
I am going to open
a beauty parlor.
Aunt Lily, I think it's wonderful you
have all the beauty preparations...
that have been in
the family for years.
This River Nile mud did wonders
for Cleopatra's complexion.
It kept her honeymoon fresh
through four different marriages.
Aunt Lily, I hope we make a
success of the beauty parlor...
and then we can show
Uncle Herman and Grandpa...
that we're much better in the
business world than they are.
We haven't much
to worry about there.
When they put their heads
together nothing happens.
[muttering]
Herman, will you watch it?
And just remember, you're
only an apprentice mad scientist.
I'll tell you when to do
something stupid. Come here.
I'm sorry.
Grandpa, you really think
you can invent a machine...
that will send power
through the air without wires?
Didn't I already invent a way...
to send messages
though the air without wire?
Yeah, sure you did.
But after the pigeons d*ed,
you had to go out of business.
Never mind that. Hand
me the rotating oscillators.
Rotating oscillators?
They look like two
eggbeaters to me.
Who asked for an opinion?
[clattering]
Now, hand me the
spherical rectifiers.
These two old
crummy bowling balls?
[sighing] Oh, boy.
Where is your scientific mind?
I mean, if Thomas Edison
had had you helping him...
we'd all be watching
gas television.
[popping]
[sighing]
May I help you, ladies?
Yes. I am Mrs. Harkness,
the Mrs. Harkness...
and this is my
daughter Dorothea.
We saw your little shop
and it looked so quaint.
Mother and I are always looking
for something new and different.
You see, the ball of the season is
coming up, and Dorothea and I...
are determined to be
a dramatic success.
Now, all you have to do is make
us beautiful. We're already rich.
Ladies, you see,
here at Lily's...
we feature the
glamorous Old World look.
And Madame Lily
is our beauty expert.
Here she is now.
Greetings, ladies.
Mother, what is that? Oh,
they're all characters my dear.
You remember our last beautician wore
a beard? But she did marvelous work.
Now, I tell you what, you just
leave yourselves in our hands...
and we'll create something
for you, just for you...
that is utterly, utterly
new and different.
Very well. If you
can guarantee...
that when we enter the
ballroom, all heads will turn.
Rest assured.
When we're finished with you...
people will not be able
to believe their eyes.
(Mrs. Harkness) Thank you.
Herman, the machine is finished.
And we're ready for our first test.
You really think it will transmit
electrical power through the air?
We'll know in a minute. Now, Herman,
you just take this electric light bulb...
and stand over there.
Now, when I turn on the
machine, that will light the bulb.
Yeah? Yeah.
Now get ready.
[machine beeping]
We did it. We did it!
[laughing]
This ought to show
up Lily and Marilyn.
[laughing]
[beeping stops]
There. Now, put down the bulb
and pick up the electric shaver.
[chuckles]
[machine beeping]
[whirring]
It works. It works!
It's a triumph. This is a moment
that will go down in scientific history.
Herman, what are you doing?
As long as it's running, I thought
I'd give myself a quick shave.
[bubbling]
A little more toadstool
base for Mrs. Harkness.
Thank you.
[exclaims]
[sighing] Now,
while that's soaking...
I'll curl Dorothea's hair.
[cauldron continues bubbling]
[Dorothea screaming]
(Lily) Get back in the chair,
dear. This won't hurt a bit.
And now for the supreme test.
When I turn on the machine...
I'm going to light all the streetlights
in the city by remote control.
Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
[laughing]
Is this a momentous event?
I haven't been this excited since the
Moon Maid had a baby on d*ck Tracy.
Quiet, Herman. Quiet.
I'm gonna turn on
the machine full blast.
[machine beeping]
[laughing]
[both laughing]
[glass shattering]
[popping]
You know something, Grandpa...
I don't think this machine is quite
ready to be put on the market yet.
Well, Marilyn, both ladies are
finished. We are ready for the unveiling.
Fine. Mrs. Harkness,
Dorothea, you can come out now.
Didn't they turn out well?
Let's see how you look, Mother.
Dorothea! Mother!
You know, Aunt Lily, I have a suspicion
that we've gotten off to a bad start.
Mr. Holmes, there
are two women here...
who claim to be Mrs.
Harkness and her daughter.
Claim to be? They're two of my
oldest clients. Don't you recognize them?
I'm afraid not, Mr. Holmes. And
I don't think you will either, sir.
Send them right in. Yes, sir.
You may come in.
Ladies. This is a...
Help! Help! Get them
out of here. What is this?
Will you please get down
from there, Mr. Holmes?
It's only us. Mrs.
Harkness and Dorothea.
So it is. What happened?
This is the result of a
visit to a beauty parlor.
From the evidence, we'll
have no trouble suing at all.
As a matter of fact, we stand a good
chance of sending the culprits to jail.
You're so reassuring.
I could just kiss you.
Get away! Get away
from me or I'll scream.
Will you please get
down, Mr. Holmes...
and let us tell you
the facts of the case?
"And unless you restore my
clients to their former beauty...
"you will be liable for
damages and prosecution...
"to the fullest
extent of the law.
"Signed, Edgar Z.
Holmes, Attorney."
Why, I never... Have you
ever... Can you imagine, Marilyn?
[sighs]
They want to
look like they did...
when they came in here?
Of all things.
[both sighing]
I guess there are a lot of
sick people in this world.
Isn't it a shame?
We're having so much trouble...
and Grandpa and Uncle Herman
are doing so well with their experiment.
Destroying municipal property?
$1,000 fine? Police? Jail?
Yes, I think I get the picture.
Thanks a lot for calling.
What's the matter, Grandpa?
Are they annoyed with us for destroying
their street lamps and equipment?
[whirring] Yes, and
they traced it to us.
And if we don't pay a $1,000
fine, they're gonna throw us in jail.
[door creaking]
Oh. Oh, oh, oh, dear.
Spending time behind bars?
This may get me thrown
out of the Indian Guides.
Now, you're sure when
we walk out of here...
our former appearance
will be completely restored?
Yes. If you want to go through
life looking the way you did...
there's nothing
we can do about it.
And now we'll apply
our special neutralizer.
Well, Herman, good
as new. Oh, goody.
Let's blow out all the
street lamps again.
Herman, will you cool it?
This time we're gonna be more
cautious, try something a little easier.
What are we gonna do?
Instead of fooling with the
electric power plant this time...
I'll just turn on the lights in Lily's
beauty shop by remote control.
[exclaiming]
Neato.
Ready? Ready.
[machine beeping]
[both laughing]
[dryers humming]
Dorothea, do you feel
anything? Yes, Mother.
Something like a current
going through my head.
That's just the effect
of the neutralizer.
It's working. It's working.
Now we'll lift up the dryers and
see how their hair turned out.
[screaming]
[Mrs. Harkness screaming]
Let me out of here.
[both screaming]
Let me out of here.
My beautiful hair.
My crowning glory.
Mother, you look
like a plucked chicken.
Don't tell me how I look,
you gruesome little brat.
[exclaims]
Don't you have anything to say?
Yes. Will this be
cash or charge?
[both sobbing]
[clears throat]
Mrs. Harkness and her daughter
are here again, Mr. Holmes.
Send them in. I'm quite
sure they look a lot different...
from the last time
they were here.
They do, sir.
You can come in now.
Ladies, I'm...
Excuse me a minute.
[clears throat]
Yes, I think I feel better
now. Won't you be seated?
Tell me what happened.
Cigars, gentlemen? I'm sorry.
You're sorry? Look at us!
I demand action
against those people.
We went back to
Madame Lily's and...
"Therefore, on
behalf of my clients...
"we are instigating a
lawsuit against you...
"demanding $10,000 in damages."
[exclaims]
Lily, I hate to say "I
told you so," dear...
but I've been against this beauty
parlor idea from the beginning.
Now, you say that these women...
lost their hair in the beauty
shop yesterday afternoon?
(Marilyn) That's right, Grandpa.
It was about 3:30.3:30.
[clearing throat] Lily...
I would say that with your poor
judgment in business matters...
you have frittered away your
share of Cousin Wolverine's money.
Frittered. Frittered. Frittered.
Frittered. Frittered. Frittered.
I would also like
to add at this time...
that at exactly 3:30, Grandfather
and I were perfecting our ray machine.
And it was exactly
at that time...
that we turned on the
lights in your beauty shop.
Well, the lights
did go on and off...
and then there was a strange
humming in the dryers...
[exclaims]
and then the two
women lost their hair.
Very interesting.
Very interesting.
But I don't think anything can
be gained by clouding the issue...
with inconsequential trivia.
Excuse me, Perry
Mason, will you knock it off?
(Herman) What's the matter?
(Grandpa) What's the matter?
At exactly 3:30
yesterday afternoon...
while we were
trying to contact...
the beauty parlor with
our energy machine...
those two women lost their hair.
To put it in legal terms...
they are the baldees,
we are the baldors.
Herman, is this true?
It couldn't be.
Grandpa and I were
working together...
[stammering] I mean,
it was our scheme, it...
I mean, jointly,
he and I were...
He's the man who did it.
There's your man right there.
I was just a poor, dumb tool
in the hands of this Svengali.
Herman, what are you saying?
I have never seen this
man before in my life.
Stop it, both of you.
We're all in this together.
Now let's just figure a way
out of this terrible trouble.
[banging on door]
It's the police.
It's the police.
[stuttering]
They've come to get us. I'm
too young to go to reform school.
Herman, you just stay here.
Marilyn and I will
answer the door.
Come on, Grandpa, now's our
chance. We can hide in the cellar.
Right behind you, coward.
[trapdoor creaking]
[creaking]
[giggling] It's us, Mrs.
Harkness and Dorothea.
[exclaims]
Your hair. It's grown back in.
And it's so beautiful.
And, Madame Lily, it was
your treatment that did it.
Overnight it grew
back like this.
We must run along, my dears.
We just wanted to tell you
we talked to our lawyer...
and we have decided to
finance your amazing method.
Mother says we'll
all make millions.
One can never be too rich,
you know. I'm delighted but...
I'll need a little time to talk this
over with my father and my husband.
By all means do. We're
so grateful to the two of you.
Goodbye, my dears. Goodbye.
Bye. Bye-bye, now.
Herman, Grandpa,
come up here quickly.
That machine of Grandpa's
will make a fortune for us.
[footsteps on stairs]
Our troubles are over. We
have something to tell you.
[exclaiming]
Us first. Our troubles are over
and we have something to tell you.
Yes. Lily, you have
nothing to worry about.
They have no
evidence against us.
Your brilliant husband and I just
destroyed our power ray machine.
That's right. We
did it together.
But that machine
was worth millions.
It grows beautiful,
luxurious hair overnight.
He's the man who
broke it. He did it. Huh?
He did it. He did it. He did it.
There, I think I've got
all the bugs out of it now.
Stand over there.
When I turn it on
now, you'll have more
hair on your head than
the barbershop floor.
Yeah.
Yeah.
[clicks]
[machine beeping]
I don't feel anything
yet. I'll turn up the juice.
[beeping accelerates]
Still don't feel anything.
[beeping accelerates]
There. If that don't
do it, nothing will.
There's enough current flowing through
there to grow hair on a bowling ball.
Grandpa...
you just took the
words out of my mouth.
I'm ruined, ruined,
ruined, ruined, ruined.
Cheer up, Grandpa. Cheer up!
If we can find a market
for hairy bowling balls...
we can make a fortune.
[machine continues beeping]