I've made up my mind.
This is the only way.
I have to k*ll him.
k*ll him!
I'll sneak through
the French windows.
Then, as the moon
spreads its sinister light...
I'll take a piece of piano
wire and garrote him.
[chuckles]
Who will ever suspect me?
Me, a quiet, simple,
unassuming man.
It'll be the perfect m*rder.
I won't leave a trace.
Revenge will be mine, and I
will be... continued next week.
"Continued next week."
"Continued next week."
That's not fair.
Just when the story's getting real
boss, they go and make it a cliffhanger.
No fair.
Herman, shut up.
Yes, dear.
[sighs]
Well, I might as well look in
the missing-persons section.
Maybe one of these days I'll spot some
dirty crook and get rich by finking on him.
Would you look at the
crooks they got this week?
Look at that ugly old guy with
a $1,000 reward on his head.
Boy, does he ever look rotten.
Lily, wake up!
What is it? What?
I was just looking in the Shocking
Detective Magazine, and I saw...
this picture of this ugly old guy
with a $1,000 reward on his head.
Then I said to myself, "Hey, that
ugly old guy looks very familiar."
For that you woke me
out of a dead sleep?
Give me that magazine!
Lily.
[both grunting]
Lily, dear, you'll
just get in a tizzy.
[exclaiming]
See? I told you,
you'd get in a tizzy.
♪♪[scatting]
Well, Herman, you sound
happy. What are you doing?
Just turning in my rotten old
father-in-law for the reward money.
Herman, how could you?
It's easy, dear. It was a woman who
was advertising for your sneaky old dad.
And she put her address right
here in the detective magazine. See?
Now I'm just writing her a letter telling
her to come get him and bring the thou.
[laughing]
Now come on, Herman,
you wouldn't do that.
Just think, supposing the
shoe were on the other foot.
Would Grandpa turn you in for
$1,000? No. He loves you too much.
Yeah?
Well, then how come when we
first got married, he asked me to...
make a donation to a hospital...
and about an hour later,
those two medical students...
came around in a
wagon to pick me up?
That was years ago.
Anyway...
it's just natural for a father to
resent his son-in-law. After all...
we are royalty and he just
didn't like the idea of some...
prefabricated Johnny-come-lately
coming into the family.
All right, dear, I
won't mail the letter.
[gasps]
What if that lady in Sioux City wants
Grandpa for doing something bad?
What if he's in trouble?
You think my sweet old
Daddy-in-law did something...
you know, spicy?
We are going to find
out from Grandpa tonight.
We are going to bring up
the subject of Sioux City.
Good idea. But one thing.
You know, Grandpa is very sensitive
about his past. So, if we ask him...
if he's ever been to Sioux City, we
are going to have to be very subtle.
Good. I'll be subtle.
I'll be double subtle.
Even triple subtle.
Everything looks great, Mom.
Yes, Eddie.
We should all be thankful that we
live in a big, wonderful country like this.
And speaking of a big,
wonderful country, Grandpa...
when was the last time
you were in Sioux City?
Herman!
Was I too subtle?
What are you two talking about?
Well, we were just wondering,
Grandpa, since you've been all over.
Have you ever been to
Sioux City? Sioux City, Iowa?
And we're not asking because
we're suspicious, or anything like that.
Or like you committed
a crime or something.
Herman, please. Thanks, Marilyn.
Grandpa, pass your plate.
Sioux City. Sioux City, Iowa.
You know, Lily, I just can't seem
to remember if I've ever been there.
Try to remember.
[crunching]
It's a little too rare.
Well, try your other
sword, Grandpa.
Lily, I think we ought to give him the
third degree some more on Sioux City.
I think the old coot's
trying to hide something.
[crunching]
Now, that's how to cook a sword.
Hello? Sioux City 3458?
Miss Pamela Thornton, please.
Now remember, Herman, find out
why she put the ad in the magazine.
And what she wants Grandpa
for. And don't goof it up.
Miss Pamela Thornton? Hi.
This is Herm...
This is an anonymous gentleman calling
you about that reward you offered in...
Shocking Detective Magazine.
Well, let's pretend that I'm
the character you're looking for.
Only I'm not.
But if I was the character
in the magazine...
which I'm not, what
would you want me for?
I see. Would you say
that again, please?
Thank you. That's
what I thought you said.
The lady in Sioux City...
is Grandpa's wife.
[crashing]
Wife?
My wife? What do you
mean she says she's my wife?
That's what the woman in
Sioux City said, Grandpa.
She said you were
her long-lost husband...
who cut out on her years ago
and now she wants you back.
Rubbish. I don't have
any wife in Sioux City.
What about Philadelphia? No!
Shreveport? Lake
Placid? San Bernardino?
I don't know.
You see? You see,
Lily? I told you so.
Just leave him to me. I'll
cross-examine his brains out.
Wait a minute, Herman.
Grandpa, what do you
mean you don't know?
Are you sure you don't
have a wife in Sioux City?
Well, I'm pretty sure.
You know, after all, I've
been married quite a few times.
A man 378 years old
does have a tendency...
to outlive a wife or two.
Where were you on the
night of August the 12th?
What does that
have to do with it?
I don't know, but that kind of junk
always seems to work on Perry Mason.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You suppose that woman has
a way of finding out where I live?
Do you? Well, do you?
Herman...
you didn't mail
that letter, did you?
Heck, no.
I'm smarter than that.
I wasn't put together
yesterday, you know.
What letter?
Well, you might as well know.
Herman was going to mail a
letter to that woman in Sioux City...
and collect the reward
money, but I talked him out of it.
Give me that letter.
I'm going to burn it right now.
If I don't get that letter, I'm
gonna go right through the ceiling!
Now, don't get excited. It's
right over there on the desk.
Hi, you guys. What
are you doing?
Please don't bother us right now.
We have to get rid of an important letter.
If we don't find it and burn it,
Grandpa is going to be in big trouble.
Was it a letter for a
woman in Sioux City?
Yes.
Was it right here on
the writing desk? Yes.
Well, then Grandpa
is in big trouble.
I just mailed it.
[crashing]
Well, he said he'd go
right through the ceiling.
Grandpa, get a hold of yourself.
Your wife may not show up at all.
Marilyn, don't call
that woman my wife.
At my age I don't want to meet
a wife I have to be introduced to.
See what you can do, Herman.
Now, now, Grandpa, do not worry.
When that woman
shows up to claim you...
as her long-lost husband, I want
you to know that I am going to stick...
by my father-in-law's
side like glue.
Herman, it's somebody
arriving. And it's a woman.
Every man for himself!
[banging on door]
Hello. Hello.
Won't you come in? Thank you.
I'm Mrs. Munster, and
I know why you're here.
Oh, Mrs. Munster,
I'm Pamela Thornton.
And I received this lovely
letter from your husband, Mervin.
Herman.
Oh, Herman.
Naturally, I was just
so thrilled to find out...
that you people know the
whereabouts of my long-lost husband.
Well, Miss Thornton,
let's discuss this.
All right.
I just want to be reunited
with my darling. Where is he?
Well, you see... I don't
think Grandpa's around.
Grandpa?
Then you must be my grandson.
Come to Nanny.
[shrieks]
He's always that way
with strange people.
Please, won't you tell me the
whereabouts of my dear, dear husband?
I need him so.
Well, maybe he's
not the right one.
And I don't think you'd
want to see him again.
You see, he's become very cranky
and broken down in his old age.
That's right. Poor old
thing, he's so decrepit.
Just between you and me. You know
those fangs he always talks about?
They're just dentures.
Herman, they don't
have to overdo it.
All right.
I know you're hiding
him here someplace.
You haven't heard the last of me.
And believe me, the kid gloves are off!
Good day to you!
"Therefore, if Pamela Thornton's
lawful husband, sometimes known as...
"the Count, sometimes
known as Sam Dracula...
"does not appear at the Ritz
Hotel no later than this evening...
"my client will prosecute
the wife-deserter...
"to the full extent of
the laws of this state.
"Signed, Attorney at
Law, Clarence J. Wedge...
"of Hammer, Wedge, and Thump."
Doesn't sound like a trio that
would sing The Indian Love Call.
Grandpa, what are
you going to do now?
What am I going to do now?
I'm going to go down to the hotel
and have it out with that old gal.
Imagine a woman
pretending to be my wife.
Boy, some women will go to any
lengths to snare a handsome rascal.
You've come back.
Oh, my darling husband.
It's been so long.
Well, let's can the
mushy stuff, sister.
You know darn well I've
never seen you before in my life.
Now, calm down,
sugar-boy. Come in.
You come right on in and let me
pour you a nice glass of champagne.
Thank you. But you see,
we Draculas don't drink wine.
And now, let's get this point of
fact straight. I am not your husband.
Darling, don't you remember
our wonderful marriage?
I certainly do not.
Don't you remember
those romantic strolls...
we used to take hand
in hand along the lake?
No.
And then we'd get into our yacht
and take a little midnight cruise.
Our yacht? Yes. We'd
go across the lake...
to have dinner at
the country club.
The country club?
And all those marvelous parties we
used to have on our beautiful estate.
Our 400-acre estate with
our very own stable of horses.
Fifty-two horses.
And you...
you were so much fun...
in that $10,000 Stutz
Bearcat I gave you.
$10,000 Stutz Bearcat?
Darling, please tell me you
remember our wonderful marriage.
Well, if you just keep on talking,
I think it'll all come back to me.
Champagne, darling?
Thank you. Clarence?
(Pamela) Clarence?
Oh, darling, this is my...
Our attorney, Clarence J. Wedge.
And he has a little piece of
paper that he'd like for you to sign.
Sign it right here
where I have the X.
Of course. I'll sign anything.
So long as you and I can
pick up where we left off.
Country club, estates,
yachts, Stutz Bearcats.
I just can't wait to get going.
By the way, Wedgie, old boy,
what was it I signed anyway?
Just a sworn affidavit stating that
you are Miss Thornton's husband.
And just as long as you
sign that piece of paper...
that's all that counts.
Herman, what do you think
has happened to Grandpa?
Now, Lily, by this time he's
probably set that woman straight...
and on his way right home.
You know, I'll bet he
really told her off, too.
It just shows you how much
he loves us and needs us.
Why, he wouldn't give up
our wonderful home life...
for anything in the world.
There he is.
[door creaking]
(Herman) Hi, Grandpa.
Where's the fire?
Shut up, stupid.
See?
He's back to his old
normal self again.
Hey, Grandpa...
how did you make out with
that old hen down at the hotel?
Watch what you're saying
about my wife, buster.
I got to hand it to you,
Grandpa. You're quite a card.
The next thing you'll probably do is come
up and tell us you're moving out of here...
and going to live with her.
That's exactly
what I'm going to do.
Grandpa, you're not leaving?
Well, I'm sorry, Lily, I just
discovered that I'm a very wealthy man.
It wouldn't be fair to you
and the rest of the family...
to have a rich aristocrat
like me living here.
It would make you feel inferior.
[humming]
Open up, sweetheart.
It's your loving husband come
to share your fortune with you.
Clarence, who is
this silly old man?
Silly old man.
Now, Pamela, dear...
as your newly found, long-lost
husband, I demand an explanation.
All right, stupid,
I'll give you one.
You see, I was to come
into a large inheritance.
But in order to collect it, I
had to prove that I was married.
You mean, we're
not really married?
Of course not.
I just happened to see your
photograph in an old magic magazine.
And I figured that anybody
that looked like you did...
should have passed on years ago.
Well, thanks for the compliment.
But, Pamela, dear,
here I am in the flesh.
Yes, well, Pamela
didn't count on that.
You see, when she
offered the phony reward...
it was to convince the
court she had a lost husband.
Then I found out
you were for real.
So, we got you to sign the paper
stating that you were my husband.
And to sum it all up
in legal terminology:
Get lost, you bum.
And one thing's for sure. I am never
going to speak to Grandpa again.
He's just a greedy old dum-dum.
You won't have much chance to speak to him,
since he took off with that rich woman.
Even if he came back,
I wouldn't speak to him.
[banging on door]
[door creaking]
Well, if it isn't the
Prodigal Grandpa.
No, it couldn't be. It must
be some other old creep.
The Grandpa that we knew
took off for a life of luxury.
Herman, I'm terribly sorry
for walking out on my family.
Lily, dear...
will you please tell this derelict
creature who dares cross our doorstep...
to split.
Come on, Herman.
I have never seen
that old geezer before.
Herman, please take me back.
Please?
That's funny. I seem to
hear voices from the past.
How can you leave a poor old
homeless man out here in the snow?
What snow? Just a minute.
[canister exploding]
It does look kind
of cold out there.
Not only is it cold,
it's very lonesome.
Please take him back, Herman.
After all, this is his home.
It was his home. Until he let his
greedy ways get the best of him.
Herman, I'll never be that way again.
Money means nothing to me now.
I know that all I want is
to be with my dear family.
Please take me back.
Well, under those conditions...
okay.
I will take you back.
Now, one thing,
Grandpa, whatever you...
[all chattering]
Herman...
can I see you for
a minute? Herman.
I spent some cash on
the cab fare to the hotel.
Could you let me have a
five-spot till I get back on my feet?
Out! Out of my house!
You money-grabbing,
greedy old thing!
Greedy!
Herman, when are you going to
let Grandpa back in the house?
[shushing]
I'm not gonna let him in
until he's learned his lesson.
Boy, is he learning his lesson.
He's so upset out there,
he's talking to himself.
(Grandpa) After what he's done
to me, I'll just have to k*ll him.
I must have my revenge.
Yes.
He's cast me aside like an old
shoe, but I will have his head for this.
His head, I say.
He wants to k*ll me.
My own father-in-law wants to chop
off my head and spoil my good looks.
Grandpa, are you really
going to k*ll Herman?
Heck no. I was just
reading the latest issue...
of Shocking Detective Magazine.
Shocking Detective Magazine?
I knew it all the time.
I wasn't a bit worried.