DOOR OPENS
Ahem.
They're ready for you.
Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.
Bournemouth.
But you don't know the others.
No, but I'm familiar with you.
Why do you want to be an MP?
Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,
and rather than sit back and moan
I'd prefer to do something about it.
Go again from the top.
I don't know why anyone's surprised
the world's number one teen idol
has become a Scientologist.
Speed up the autocue, please.
Pop stars do believe in weird things.
'Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly...'
They said show you this.
This happened just now?
Mm-hmm.
Gladwell?
"Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell
resigns," - capitals -
"over Twitter p*rn pics scandal."
Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.
"Originally claimed
his account had been hacked,
"resignation statement admits
inappropriate correspondence
"with a 15-year-old girl."
So tweeting d*ck photos
is correspondence now, is it?
"Departure triggers a by-election
"in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."
Well, you get to use
the Gladwell stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Bump it all up to
the top of the monologue.
Anyone seen Jamie?
PHONE DIALLING
Rach?
'You really shouldn't be
calling me any more.
'You need to sort yourself out.'
I am.
'Focus on Waldo,
that's going well for you.'
But it is not...
'He's a hit, Jamie.'
"He." Not me, "he".
'Just do your show.'
I will. I mean, hon,
if you'd just...
PHONE CUTS OFF
(KNOCKING) Jamie?
Jamie, hurry up.
What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?
Safe Tory seat.
So, realistically, I know there's
not much of a chance, but...
So, it's a stepping stone for you?
Yes.
Obviously, I wouldn't say
that outside of this room,
but, well,
you want me to be honest.
There's no point in pretending.
Is there anything in your past that
might conceivably cause problems?
No.
Except...
I did commit a series
of murders in Huddersfield
between 1999 and 2003.
But apart from that...
Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.
If you could leave via that door.
Oh, that door?
We like to keep
the candidates separate.
Right, yes.
(MUTTERS) Idiot. Idiot!
Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the community
Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,
saying he could no longer
maintain his position.
That position, presumably,
being hunched over
w*nk*ng madly at school kids.
'A pal of Gladwell said...'
You ready?
Uh-huh.
How old the girl wasn't.
That's the sort of feeble excuse
'only a naive school kid
would swallow -
'which, presumably, was the idea.
'Anyway, the bad news is
he's resigned in disgrace.'
The good news is he's now
free to pursue a full-time career
in the disgraced paedophile
industry.
LAUGHTER
Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised...
Um, small change to the intro.
What?
Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko
gag for the monologue, so...
That was my bit.
There is the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.
Bit politics.
You can do politics.
I do piss-taking.
Go be Waldo.
Yes, commander.
'R Kelly believed he could fly,
'and Michael Jackson believed
that his doctor was qualified...'
(DEEP VOICE) Big ball
blue bear bollocks.
And now it's time
for our final visit
to the world of educational
children's programming
courtesy of everyone's favourite,
and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character,
Waldo.
Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.
Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?
Well, Conor,
in my big pink cave this week
I had former Minister
for Culture Liam Monroe.
Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?
I was hoping he'd nosh me off!
Want to see how it panned out?
I think we should.
Run VT!
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Hey, everybody!
It's Waldo time!
Yeah!
Cool! Cool!
Waldo-rrific!
Ha-ha-ha!
Hey, kids,
my guest this week is Mr Monroe.
Hello, Mr Monroe.
Hello, Waldo.
Mr Monroe is a politician.
So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?
Well, a politician is someone
who tries to make the
world a fairer place.
Like Batman.
Not exactly like Batman.
Do you b*at people up?
No, I don't b*at people up.
Oh, you're a p*ssy then?
Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what...
You don't know what p*ssy is?
LAUGHTER
OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.
No joke, sorry, let's move on.
Friends again?
(KISSES)
Oh, hello, mate, great show.
Well done, really good.
So, we'll bring him over.
You go and get him,
I'll explain about...
'Now, he comes across...'
Jamie!
(WALDO'S VOICE)
What you want, Miss Tamsin?
Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.
Jack freaks me out.
Yeah, ditto,
but he owns the company
and the man he's with is important
and wants to talk to you.
(SIGHS)
He's from the channel.
Go on.
'Honestly, all I'm saying...'
'Is he shy?'
'No, all I'm saying is
he's a terrific guy...'
Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.
How do you do?
Jim, Jack, James.
Jamie.
Jim was just talking about Waldo.
Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.
Toys out the pram.
And that's...?
Good press.
It's so tough to get
a breakthrough these days,
but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.
It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the piss up Monroe.
You know, all those twats,
it's punk, it's... it's...
'Jack?'
Excuse me.
Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.
Look, I know the show's
coming back again next year,
but we want to see more of Waldo.
They want to do a pilot.
A Waldo pilot?
Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?
Yeah. Sounds good.
Sounds stormin' Norman,
f*cking stormin'.
Going to give it to 'em.
PHONE BEEPS
But look, we can't do sketches
without Waldo.
It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,
it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
Realistically, there isn't
the budget for other animations.
I mean live action,
other characters I can do.
What about the Brown Knight?
What, the crap crusader?
We can look into the Brown Knight.
But right now
let's find more Waldo ideas.
The problem is, any guests
we book will be in on it.
They know that Waldo's a joke,
the surprise is gone.
So, we think round that.
(WALD) Hey, boys and girls!
It's Waldo time!
Yeah! Ha-ha!
He's awesome, isn't he?
I mean, look - sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.
All right, Sara? How's the
think tanking going, good sh*t?
Um, yeah, yeah,
we're making headway.
Good.
I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,
running in
the Stentonford by-election.
We should get Waldo down there.
Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.
We get a van with a screen with
the image of Waldo on the side.
Like it.
And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet,
we just turn up
and just get under his skin.
I love that, I love it.
We've done Monroe.
But it was a great bit.
I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political...
Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?
Get people to vote for him?
He's not real.
But people have stood as
fictional characters before.
Do you think Screaming
Lord Sutch was his real name?
We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.
No-one's actually going to vote
for him, that's not the point.
The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.
Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.
'He's with a mum and baby group.'
OK. Going live
in five... four... three two...
'Thank you so much
for joining me this morning.'
It's been incredibly informative
and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,
who were fantastic.
Thank you, Naomi.
Thank you for your time.
Hey!
Hey, it's me Waldo.
Oh. I like your trainers, man!
I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.
I've got stumps.
(THEY LAUGH)
He's out.
Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe.
Hey! Did you get off with
any of the mums?
Where'd you look while
they were breastfeeding?
They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe!
He said it!
Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!
I'm sorry about this, Liam.
Hey, I'm being snubbed!
Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.
It's a death trap anyway,
look at it!
Let's find out what we can about
the idiot inside that thing.
Sure.
Mr Monroe. Oi!
PHONE RINGING
'Stentonford Labour Party.'
Right, you've got
a choice of styles,
so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.
This is like bloody Moonpig.
Don't knock the free mail out.
Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some
Fisher-Price leaflet app.
He doesn't have to.
Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,
and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.
The license fee is something
that's very close to my heart...
'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh!
Look at me Mr Monroe, please!'
Hey, over here! Hey, over here...
Look over here, Mr Monroe...
The Conservative Party
have been, er...
Have been arguing for a reduction
of the license fee for...
Good morning, everybody.
Pardon?
Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
I beg your pardon.
I'm sorry. It's rather loud.
We have argued for a further
reduction in the license fee...
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.
Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.
Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe
why he's ignoring me.
Why are you ignoring Waldo?
'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo
done to you?'
We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.
I'm not walking away from a cartoon.
'I'm not ignoring you.'
Yeah, you were, you upset me.
You made Waldo sad.
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-ah.
Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset...
WA-A-A-A-A-A-A...
(CROWD LAUGHS)
Let him get a word in.
I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.
You are an image voiced
by a comedian -
an alleged comedian,
more accurately.
If I'm not real,
why you talking to him?
And by "him" I mean me, knobber!
(CROWD LAUGHS)
There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.
Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!
Thy flowery language doth give
me a right throbbing bone-on!
Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh!
(CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS)
Uh-er-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh!
Uh-uh-uh-oh! Huh!
Finished.
(CROWD LAUGHS)
Drink?
I've got e-mails.
You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?
The Labour candidate.
Did you read my background doc?
Yes.
Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.
I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first...
Are you my dad?
Apparently not. See you tomorrow.
(TELEVISION)'..Waldo the bear left
Monroe in stunned silence.
'The colourful Waldo
launched his own campaign
'in typically loud and
crowd-pleasing style...'
Someone's bold? Do I know you?
Nice way to greet a voter...
Sorry, I thought you were...
Actually, I'm more of a rival.
"Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why
are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"
You're good at that!
Because I am that.
What? You're that thing?
Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear.
Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.
Yeah, well. It's d*ck jokes
at his expense basically.
Another one?
OK. One.
The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel...
No...
like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show...
Shh!
But your party leader has to show
up because it's a... mid-thing...
Midterm by-election.
Terminology tits.
You are 12!
So because leaderballs is there,
suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch show
so it's good exposure.
You're not going to win,
you know you're not going to win...
Come on, shh.
You're not going to win though.
Of course not.
So, why not be honest?
Say, "You arseholes aren't
going to vote for me,
"so here's what I think anyway."?
It doesn't work like that.
Nothing does, that's why
everything's bollocksed.
You're angry, for someone
who's doing well.
I'm the voice of a blue bear...
if that's, "doing well,"
then we are doomed!
I can't see!
Hang on, there's a thing.
Have you had a fox in here or do you
live like a 14-year-old?
Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.
sh*t, really?
(You're amazing.)
Sorry?
You're amazing?
Oh, thank you!
(SIGHS)
What's up?
Nothing.
Are you sure?
It's just...
I haven't been happy in a while...
and this is good, you know?
Hm.
Can I... have your number?
Yes! (GIGGLES)
Where's our mark this morning?
We're out on the road.
Ooh... bien sur.
Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things shitty.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
PHONE KEYPAD BEEPING
PHONE BEEPS
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
'You're right. Strong Tory.'
'I warned you.'
You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.
CAR HORN BEEPING
I'm voting Waldo!
I met Waldo last night.
Jamie, the guy who plays him.
He's fun.
Fun?
Mmm-hmm.
Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?
Not really.
Not really or no?
Er, not really.
Look, he's OK.
He's a comedian -
he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.
His act is all f-this
and penis jokes.
But...
Don't see him again.
OK. Job done till
the husting tomorrow.
Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.
They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.
Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.
It's students, you'll walk it.
I can't answer
serious questions...
No-one wants you to!
You're the comic relief, lighten up.
Erm, just have a look. I'm sure
you'll find lots in there...
PHONE RINGING
Are there any particular issues that
you're concerned about at all?
TONE BEEPING
Hey.
Oh, hi.
I thought we were going to...?
Sorry - I've had a tough day...
Right. Not even one?
Sorry.
Well, what about tomorrow?
Look, I can't, when this
is happening, I can't see you.
What do you mean?
I'm sorry.
Do they think that
looks like Question Time?
Yeah. It looks politicsy.
Check the host.
Jailbait Dimbleby.
When it comes to addiction
and addicts, we should sympathise,
but we shouldn't patronise.
You know, serious drug use is
a criminal offence, that is
committed voluntarily
and for pleasure...
AUDIENCE MUTTERS MUTINOUSLY
Look, I'm sorry, these are the
facts.
Waldo, what do you think?
Mr Monroe, are you addicted?
No.
Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think we have to ask ourselves...
I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?
And why do we waste our time with
animated trivialities like him?
AUDIENCE WHOOPING
I mean why?
Why? I mean why?
(ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why?
I mean why? I mean why?
This is just the kind of thing...
rather than see you laugh...
They laugh at you, Limbo.
You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage.
Who is scared to engage, who
hides behind a children's cartoon.
Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?
I'm... I'm... I'm
speaking about James Salter.
Hm?
Don't worry about it.
That's your name, isn't it?
James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.
He's 33 years old,
a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.
You were in a sketch troupe
that enjoyed minor success about
six years ago,
and the others moved on to
better things,
but your main achievement seems to
have been playing
the part of a corn on the cob
in a high-interest personal
loan commercial.
LAUGHTER
I notice you keep that
pretty quiet.
And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.
Which by the way is easier than it
looks. Anyone could do it.
See, this is... this is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.
He mocks.
And when he can't
think of an authentic joke,
which is actually quite often,
he just swears.
I think that this puppet's
inclusion on this panel debases the
process of debate, and smothers any
meaningful discussion of the issues.
So I return to my original question,
is that really what this is for?
He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.
Prove me wrong. Hm?
Speak, Waldo.
Please. Come on. Speak up.
There you see, nothing.
Oh, go f*ck yourself.
LAUGHTER
It's more swearing.
You're a joke.
You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear with
a turquoise cock.
LAUGHTER
What are you? You're just an old
attitude with new hair.
Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously?
No-one takes you seriously,
that's why no-one votes.
The vast majority do vote.
It's bullshit.
Surely this is enough?
You think you deserve respect.
Just common courtesy.
Because you went to public school
and believed you were
entitled to everything.
Perhaps we could get back...
Ad hominem nonsense...
Gwendolyn Harris...
Something's got to change. No-one
trusts you lot cos they know
you don't give a sh*t about anything
outside your bubble.
What about your mate Gladwell,
the kiddy-flasher?
You knew him for 20 years,
did you not know what he was like?
No, of course not.
Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,
and in that way you're all the same.
Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?
Well, of course I think no...
Oh, shut up, you're worse!
Seriously, she's faker than him.
For once I agree with
Liam Monroe in that this...
Are you going to win?
Doesn't get us anywhere and
there's no point in us continuing...
Tell them why you're here.
If we can't have anything
resembling a deba...
Tell them why you're here.
She's here to build a showreel.
I'm not kidding, that's literally
it.
Knows she's not going to win.
This is all experience,
to get on telly.
She actually gives less of a sh*t
about anyone round here than
he does, because he'll actually
have to represent you.
Am I wrong?
A career politician.
Someone else less real than me,
and I can do this.
LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
Can I just make
a couple of points?
Oh, shut up, you pebble.
What is this for? That's what you
wanted to know, Mr Monroe.
And the truth is, none of us
know any more, thanks to you.
What are you for? What are you for?
Thank you and goodnight.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
KNOCKING
Jamie.
Jamie?
Jack's here. He wants to see us.
You can't avoid it.
Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.
(TV) 'And yet accusations of vapidity
aside,
'it's clearly tapped a nerve.
'In just three days, Waldo has gone
viral.
'The video of his clash has already
been viewed over a million times
'on YouTube. There are Facebook
groups calling on Waldo
'to form a national party.'
'You're a joke.
'You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear with
'a turquoise (BLEEP) What are you?
'You're just an old attitude
with new hair.
'Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously.
'No-one takes you (BLEEP)
seriously.'
MAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY
Oh, look, here
he is the man of the moment!
How does it feel to be a phenomenon?
Shitifying.
You are everywhere, my son.
Twitter, the news...
Have you seen the poll?
You're in third place, mate.
You overtook that Lib Dem prick...
Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
This is an opportunity, Jamie.
He knows my name now.
We could really do something here.
You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.
And Waldo gives that a voice.
Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.
Tell him, Tams.
We've been asked on Consensus.
It's a ten-minute one-to-one
interview with Phillip Crane.
Pitbull Crane?
Big g*ns for big g*ns.
Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
I don't want to be a politician.
We know that you hate politics.
I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.
You don't need to be
interested in them.
You just need to be Waldo.
And when Crane asks something tricky
and I look stupid
because I don't know how to answer?
You'll know the answer.
Because you have a producer.
Look, I can tell you what to say.
I can live Google any facts,
give you stats, quotes,
whatever else you need.
So you've got a safety
net for the concrete stuff
and the rest is Waldo
and you can do that in your sleep.
You'll piss all over Crane.
He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.
Yeah good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.
All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.
Now come on. What d'you say? Eh?
Jamie! Jamie!
Why would I want to do this?
Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.
I don't know what you're on about.
Waldo has got the attention
of the young, and the young don't
give a sh*t about anything
except trainers and pirating films.
Do you have any other astounding
theories about young people?
Yeah, yeah I do actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.
They'll vote for Waldo.
The video was a hit for a reason.
The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.
I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate -
Doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.
We can build on that.
Waldo's not real.
Exactly! That's what you said that
really hit home. He's not real,
but he's realer than all the others.
He doesn't stand for anything.
Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.
Look we... we don't need politicians,
we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?
So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.
Let the people vote thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.
That's a democracy. That's a...
that's an actual democracy.
So's YouTube and I don't know
if you've seen it but the most
popular video is a dog farting
the theme tune to Happy Days.
Well, today it's Waldo.
No. It's still the dog.
Listen, can you imagine all
the things we can change
if we f*ck the politicians
out the equation?
I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.
Do you know who owns Waldo?
I do, I own the rights.
He's my character.
Yeah, written for my show.
You're too frightened to take to
the next level. Fine. I understand.
But also, f*ck off!
And watch me fly.
You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.
(MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh?
Pretty close, I'd say.
What's happenin'? Ahh!
Waldorific, yeah! Yeah!
Why is it going off left again?
Because the...
I know! I've got my...
Put your thumb in the white thing.
I got that. In there? OK.
That's not how that works.
First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -
who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.
Unlike the other candidates,
he has no party affiliation.
He doesn't even have a surname.
He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just
a cult character in a comedy show.
Today, an official
mascot for protest voters.
Vote Waldo.
Cartoons don't play by the rules
and Waldo's open disdain
for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.
Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't you
ultimately neutralizing seriously
effective dissent?
Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane,
please?
By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.
Dangerous? You think
the public can't be trusted?
No.
Isn't that basically you
calling them twats?
No, I...
Bell-ends then?
Did you come for a discussion
or...
You're snooty for a glorified
Punch And Judy man, Phil.
You know you're gonna get your best
ratings in months cos I'm here.
To even get close to the figures
I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,
you'd have to f*ck a prawn sandwich
live on air.
Make a nice prawn cocktail.
Could we make a serious
political point that is...
I've got one big blue point
to make, fool.
Would you like to have a look at it?
Oh, God. Thank you.
Great work tonight. Look at... Look
at this, look at this.
It's The Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS
so that when you're at a polling
station,
it unlocks loads of free sh*t, look.
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
It's good, isn't it?
Who's this guy we're meeting?
I dunno. But he's from Washington
and he's got my restricted number.
Jeff Carter, from the agency.
Hey. Hey.
And I'll leap right in.
I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.
From "the agency"?
Yeah, listen. Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.
Waldo The Bear.
The bear, people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.
An assist?
It helps.
Right. You look at human
politicians,
you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?
Like the girls in p*rn.
You know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?
It's usually daddy issues, eh?
Just like politics.
Waldo bypasses that.
You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.
I'm a person.
With respect, Waldo's more than you.
He's a team, and you're open
about that, which is fantastic.
The honesty thing works.
Waldo is a construct
people not just accept but embrace.
At the moment he's anti-politics,
which is a political stance itself,
right?
But he could deliver any brand
of political content,
minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.
In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,
then let Waldo hit him
with debunk stats
and spit a Twitter-ready
zinger into the next sentence.
He's the perfect assassin.
We won't win, though.
You guys are so British.
No, of course he won't win. You
started out too coarse off the bat.
There's no substantial basis
to what you offer, and the whole
nihilist "democracy sucks" thing,
yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,
but with a targeted, hopeful
message, which we can provide,
energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middle
via your new platform... You got
a global political-entertainment
product people actually want.
You could roll this out worldwide.
Like Pringles.
Absolutely.
It's, er... It's interesting stuff
though.
When you're done with Stentonford,
there may be an opportunity
in South America.
Se puede hablar espanol?
Vivi en Madrid tres anos.
Excelente.
What?
He's not coming.
But he's the party leader!
It's too toxic.
(TV) Meanwhile,
as support for Gwendolyn Harris
appears to be dwindling,
Labour denies the party is losing
faith in their young candidate.
But Miss Harris spent most of
the day locked in crisis talks
at party headqu...
In the Stentonford by-election,
Waldo the cartoon bear continues...
Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?
She looks like she's been poisoned.
Because he's gonna overtake her.
We're still way ahead.
If that thing is the main opposition
then the whole system looks absurd.
Which it may well be.
But it built these roads.
KNOCK AT DOOR
Just come in, Roy.
I'm sorry, OK?
It was wrong to speak to you
like that and...
After the campaign,
I would've called you.
After the campaign!
All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.
You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent...
Well I don't know!
Not just "bollocks to everything".
If you were preaching revolution,
well that'd be something,
but you're not because that would
require courage and a mindset.
And what have you got?
Who are you?
What are you for?
Morning.
So, final push.
You remind everyone
that's got the app
that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.
We're here.
Attention, shoppers.
I'm here to ask you an important
favour. Gather round.
Come over here and listen.
Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.
Seriously.
Vote for Monroe or Harris
or, I dunno, UKIP,
or even that Lib Dem guy.
He's a prick!
Seriously, only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.
What is this? Irony?
I'm worse than a wasted vote.
He's from the Harris campaign.
I mean it, you idiots!
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
Don't vmmmf!
Shut up.
No. Don't boo him,
he's right! He's right!
What are you doing?
Resigning.
Jamie!
Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.
This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.
You should throw stuff at Waldo,
he's bad bloody news.
He's funny!
He's not.
Don't listen to that man,
he's a lesbian. Ahh!
So remember, the polls are open,
and if you've got my app, you can
unlock new stuff like catchphrases
and a little hat 'n' that.
Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me
so question the status quo!
k*ll it! k*ll it!
Kick them where it hurts.
The first man to hit him
gets 500 quid!
Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.
Knock him down.
Smash it!
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...
(TV) I, the undersigned,
being the returning
officer for the Stentonford
and Hersham constituency, hereby
give notice that the total number
of votes recorded for each candidate
at the election is as follows.
Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.
2,449.
APPLAUSE
Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.
11,237.
APPLAUSE AND BOOING
Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.
19,161.
JEERING
Waldo, Independent.
16,784.
BOOING AND SHOUTING
Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen,
please! I declare that Liam Monroe
is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.
BOOING
Hey, hey! Everyone!
500 quid to anyone
who can lob a shoe!
Up you get, come on.
Come on!
MECHANICAL WHIRRING
Come on. Out you go.
AUDIO IN MANDARIN
GLASS SMASHES
Oi!
Agh!