01x03 - Dead Weight

[bunniefuu]

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

Dutton.
General Hollister.

Come in.

You want a drink?
No. No, thank you, sir.
I don't have much time.

I would have called, but--
But what?

I didn't want to risk a wiretap.

A wiretap?

You sound paranoid, Colonel.

No, General.
just being cautious.

And the reason
for this... caution?

The word just came down
this morning.

A special directive
to all section chiefs.

The Inspector General's
starting a full-scale investigation
of arms contracts.

I see.

You're sure?
Yes, sir.

That's unfortunate.

But I suppose it would have
happened sooner or later.

If they find out--
They won't find out.

General,
if anyone digs deep enough...

they're bound to discover that
I've let your construction company
charge us a fortune in cost overruns.

You'll offer
the standard explanation--

unforeseen difficulties
in developing the arms system.

It won't stand up, General.
When the I.G. sees
your bargain-basement bids...

he'll know I let you
practically steal those contracts.

They'll indict both of us.

As you say, Colonel,
you're the one that accepted the bids.

You approved the overruns.

With that much money involved,
they'll know we had to be in it together.
I'm getting out.

Oh?

I'm leaving for Geneva tonight.

And if I may make a suggestion,
General, you might do the same.
I have a business to run.

Besides, I never believed
in a forced retreat.

Well, maybe you can bluff them, sir,
but I don't have your reputation.

You'll have less
of a reputation if you go AWOL.
It's an admission of guilt.

They won't know it for 30 days.
I just took my annual leave.

It's a small world, Colonel.
They'll find you.

No way, sir.
I'll manage to disappear.

And, uh, if they do,
just for the sake of argument?

Naturally, I-I'd keep your
involvement to myself.
I'd refuse to testify.

Not even to shorten a jail sentence
for giving evidence?

Believe me, sir,
there's nothing to worry about.
They won't know where I am.

How did you get here, Colonel?
Taxi?

No, sir. I drove. Why?

I've been thinking.

You present me with a problem.

Problem?

You assure me... that my name
will never come into this--

that, uh, you'll be my protector.

I'm afraid I can't take that risk.

[ w*apon Cocks ]

[ Seagulls Cawing ]

Did you see that?
What?

Uh, a man just sh*t someone!

But where?
Over there.

There. See?
I don't see anything.

He just moved away from the window.
You've been out
in the sun too long.

Mother, I'm telling you--
Oh, it's a mirage.

No. No, we're going back.

We're going what?
Which way is back?

Which way is--
What are you doing?
Ooh! Ooh!

I got it. It's all right.
I'm all right. I'm all right.
You take this.

Yeah, I-I got that.
Now-- Now, y-you take this.

But what'll I do with it?

Uh, Mr. Barnes!

[ Banging ]

- Here, let me give you a hand.
- Thank you, Mr. Barnes.

The only thing I can say about
the way she handles a boat--
You certainly know when she's docked.

Whiplash.

If you hand me your aft line,
Mrs. Wallace, I'll secure your stern.

I beg your pardon!

I'll tie up your boat.

Oh. Oh, yes.
Yes, uh, of course.
Is this it?

Yeah, that's it.

Thank you.
[ Sighs ]

I never thought we'd make it.

Neither did I.

Couldn't do it, eh?
What?

Call the police.
I knew you'd come to your senses.

They must get a thousand
eyewitness crank calls an hour.

What are you gonna do?

Oh, hello, Operator.
Could I please have the police?
I'd like to report a sh**ting.

Hello. Is this the police?

Oh. Uh--

This is Mrs. Stewart.
Uh, I'm down at, uh, the boat place, and--

[ Siren Wails ]

Officer Sanchez.
Oh.

Mrs. Stewart?
No, I'm Mrs. Stewart.
That's my mother, Mrs. Walters.

You reported a sh**ting?
Yes. Uh-huh.

Yes?

Oh. Well, um,
this man in a bathrobe...

um, uh, he sh*t another man
i-in a uniform.

What kind of uniform was it?

Oh, well, I--
[ Clicks Tongue ]

I can't tell the difference
between an usher and a mailman.
[ Chuckles ]

I mean, I can tell them apart,
but not what they're wearing,
you know. But--

Well, I-I'm sure
it was a m*llitary uniform.

Did you see anything, ma'am?
Mm-mm.

My daughter's the one
who sees things, Officer, not me.

just because you were
looking in the other direction
doesn't mean that I didn't see it.
Come on.

Uh, where was this sh**ting,
Mrs. Stewart?

Right over there. See?
See that house over there?

[ Sanchez ]
Are are you sure?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.

Do you know
who lives in that house?

Uh-- Well, no.
Does it matter?

I'd rather not say till we've
had a chance to investigate.
Oh, yeah.

May I have your address?
She lives with me.

8090 Vale.

May I have your phone?
985-43 21 .

Okay. Thank you.

Is that-- Is that all?

For now. If we need anything more,
you'll be contacted.
Oh.

Thank you.
Uh, 985-43 21 .

Yes, ma'am.

Come on. Come on!
You know, I--

On that sh**ting report, Sergeant,
the witness says it occurred
in General Hollister's house.

The General Hollister?
Yes, sir.

It just doesn't seem right
that a slick sleeve like me...

would barge in
and ask a man like General Hollister
if he just sh*t somebody.

I see your point, Sanchez.
I'd better send over
somebody from Homicide.

Stand by,
and I'll have him there
as soon as I can.

Roger.

Sorry, sir.
Huh? For what?

This spot's reserved.
Oh. I see. All right.

Uh-- Uh--

Who is it reserved for?
The police.

I think I'm the one
that you're waiting for.

I'm, uh, a lieutenant.
My name is Columbo.

Oh. Sorry, Lieutenant.
I was expecting an official car.

That's all right.

Your name is Sanchez?
Yes, sir.

I see.
That's General Hollister's house
right there.

Did anyone come in or out
since you've been here?

Two young fellows in cadet uniforms
went in a little while ago.

That's their wagon over there.
Uh-huh.

Is there another way
out of this house?
By water.

The general's got a yacht
in a slip in back of the house.

I see. I'm gonna go in
and speak to the general.

While I'm doing that,
I want you to search the yacht.

But, Lieutenant,
I don't have a warrant.

Well, I'll ask the general
for permission.

If he doesn't give it,
then I'll get a warrant.

In the meantime, check it out.

Pay particular attention to the engines.

And if you find out anything,
let me know.

[ Doorbell Ringing ]

Uh, General Hollister?
Yes?

I'm from the police, sir.
My name is, uh, Columbo.
Lieutenant Columbo.

Yes, Lieutenant?

I'm terribly sorry to disturb you,
sir, but we have this report,
uh, about this sh**ting.

- A sh**ting?
- Yes, sir. In this house.

That's quite an opening line,
Lieutenant.

Sir, I'm sure it's just
a crackpot complaint, but I--

But it's your job to follow it up.

Yes, sir.

I understand. I've had to do
many unpleasant things myself
in the line of duty.

But may I ask, this alleged sh**ting--

just who is supposed
to have sh*t whom?

Well, you see, sir,
we don't know exactly.

Only that the, uh, victim
was wearing some kind of a uniform.

A uniform.

Well, come in.

These young men are from
my alma mater, Lieutenant, M.M.I.

They're here to take away
my m*llitary souvenirs for, uh...

permanent enshrinement
at the Memorial Hall.

As a matter of fact, Lieutenant,
M.M.I. is giving me
a testimonial dinner tonight.

[ Hammering ]
They're commemorating
the 20th anniversary of my retirement...

and the opening
of the Hollister Exhibit.

Yes. General, do you think
I could, uh, look inside?

Lieutenant,
wouldn't that be a little obvious?

I wanna be in a position, sir,
where I can tell my superiors
that I've checked everything out.

They've already started
nailing it shut.
Uh, it's just two nails, sir.

Very well. Gentlemen,
I have a friend here who would like
to inspect the contents of the crate.

Would you open it again, please?
Yes, sir.

Wow!

A lot of g*ns.
[ Chuckles ]

w*r trophies, Lieutenant.

Uh, AK-47 as*ault r*fle.

PPSH-41 . Drum.

PPSH-41 clip.

All Soviet-made, and,
as you've observed,
all with their f*ring pins removed.

I see. They're very,
very interesting, General.
[ Clicks ]

w*r mementos, Lieutenant.

Lively memories, empty uniforms--

uh, all carefully packed,
Lieutenant, for the exhibit.

Oh. Oh, yes, of course.
I'm sorry, sir. Uh--

I'll just put these back in here.

There you are. I, uh--

I think that, uh, is fine.
Thank you very much.

Carry on, gentlemen.

Could I offer you something?
Oh, no. Thank you very much.

Say, you got a beautiful place here.
Thank you.

It's roomy, and it's homey, and--

That's a fireplace.

Wow!

You know, when I was a kid,
we used to have those
fake wooden kinds.

I don't know if you remember
them or not, General.

They had a fan in the back.
And it had a red light and ribbons.

You'd turn on the fan,
and the ribbons,
they would flutter there.

Yeah, they were terrific.

That's funny.
What's funny?

Don't you have those irons?

You know, like you put in a fireplace
to put the, uh--

Oh. Uh, andirons.
Andirons. Yeah.

No. I never build a fire there.
It's too much trouble.
Oh.

Easier to turn up the thermostat.
I see.

Uh--
Oh, uh, for show.

Oh, that's for show.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Lieutenant, I've been thinking.

The person who turned in
that report was right.

There was someone here
in uniform.

Me.

While I was packing...

I couldn't resist, uh,
trying on the old harness, you know.

I'm glad to be able to tell you
that, uh, I can still get into it.

You know, the report said
there was another man here,
and he was dressed in a bathrobe.

Whoever filed that report
was seeing double.

Yes, I was wearing a bathrobe
while I was packing.

Got a match?
A match.

There you are.
Thank you.

Hey, that's quite a lighter.
One of a kind.

Yeah, that's something.
[ Coughs ]

Didn't you say that you
were gonna send all of your stuff
over to the exhibit?

Not quite everything, Lieutenant.

This has a very
personal meaning for me.

It's a gift from my staff
on the day that I retired from service.

Oh. Yeah.

General, uh,
do you mind if I look around?

No. By all means,
help yourself.

Not much to see here.

just a basic B.O.Q

I guess that's why I like it.

Any servants?
just a housekeeper.
Comes in twice a week.

Good night, General.

Oh. Let me get the door.

Careful.

Good night.

Lieutenant,
the bedrooms are this way.

Guest bedroom, Lieutenant.

Master bedroom.

General, have you
been here all day?

No. I was out on my boat
till about 2:00.

You didn't go out after that, sir?
No.

I was here packing, getting ready
for the testimonial dinner.

Do you mind if I look in your closet?
No.

By all means,
be thorough, Lieutenant.

Extra uniforms.

General,
that's a lot of fruit salad.

Past history-- all to be donated,
Lieutenant.

Well, you've had the tour.
Anything else I can do for you?

No, I guess that's it.

Unless--

Unless what?

Well, as long as I'm here, uh...

do you happen
to own a g*n, General?

A handgun?
A hand-- Oh. No, I--

Yes. Yes, I do.

A target p*stol.
[ Chuckles ]

It's a funny thing.
I never think of it as a w*apon.

.22 caliber Hi-Standard.

Supermatic Trophy model.
There you are. Hmm?

What's that medal for?

Oh,
[ Chuckles ]

that's a first with
the United States Marine p*stol Team.

You know, Lieutenant, uh...

I had this out earlier today.

I was thinking of giving
it over to the exhibition...

although it's never had anything to do
with my m*llitary career.

I was, uh--

I-- Oh, yes!

Yes, I remember now.

I stumbled over the crate
as I was looking at the g*n.

- That must've been what your witness saw.
- Of course.

Oh, well, there we are, huh?

There we are.

Oh.
[ Laughs ]

I doubt if I could--
if I could win any medals today.

I've been so busy for months,
I haven't had any chance to practice.

[ Sniffs ]
Here, see for yourself.

Well, I'm not
a ballistics expert, sir.

Well, take it along with you.
Have your people check it out.

No, I don't think
that'll be necessary, sir.

I think I'm on a wild-goose chase.
[ Chuckles ]

Matter of fact, uh,
I don't think there's much else
I can, uh, look for, General.

Uh, I think
I'll be running along.

Before you go, Lieutenant, uh...

just who, uh--
who reported this... m*rder?

No, I never said
it was a m*rder, sir.

Well, this alleged sh**ting.
Who turned in the report?

I'm afraid
I can't tell you that, sir.
Oh.

No, sir.
That's against regulations.
Oh, yes, of course.

Well, there's one thing for sure--

that whoever it was,
it had to be some--

some guy out here
in a boat in the marina.

General, I'd like to keep
the record straight on that.

Now, I never said
that it was a man.

Oh, you mean it was a woman?
Now, I never said that either, sir.

Well, it doesn't make any difference.

Mistakes have no gender.

Well, that's for sure.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh-- Well, I want to apologize
for takin' up your time.

Please, don't give it a thought.

Good night, sir.
Good night, Lieutenant.

Oh, uh, one thing I almost forgot.
Yes?

Uh, your boat.
What about it?

I had the boat checked out,
sir, while we were talking.

I didn't think you had anything
to hide, sir, and I just thought
it would save some time.

I always preached initiative to my men,
so I don't see how I can object now.

And you're right.
You did save time.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you, Lieutenant.

Good night.
Good night.

Oh, General,
enjoy your dinner.

Oh. Well, thank you, Lieutenant.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Police Radio Chatter ]

Didn't find a thing.
The engines?

They were cold.

This Mrs. Stewart,
did she look like she'd could have
been doing any drinking?

Could've been.
I don't really know.

I guess we both got a lot
of paperwork to do, huh?

[ Engine Starts ]

- Here, Joey.
Gas up number two, will you?
- Mr. Barnes.

Hi, General.
Hi. How are you?

Mr. Barnes, a couple of hours ago,
out on the marina,
somebody waved at me.

I think it was an old friend.
You got any idea who it could have been?

Was it one of my boats?

I think it might have been, yeah.
You might have it there in the record.

- It was probably Mrs. Stewart
and her mother.
- Mrs. Stewart. That's it.

Do you know where she lives?
I'd like to have a few words with her.

Yeah, sure. I got it right here.
Good.

Hey, General, you're not gonna
go sailing with her, are you?
Why?

She's the worst--
man, woman or child.

She can't sail.
I couldn't take my eyes off her.
Really?

I thought that she was gonna
keel over any minute.

Well, I'll watch it, Mr. Barnes.

Thanks for your good thought.
Here you go.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

[ Laughing ]
??[ Rock ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

??[ Soft Jazz ]

[ Knocking On Door ]
just a minute.

Mrs. Stewart?
Yes.

Lieutenant Columbo, from the police,
about a report you made of a sh**ting.

Oh! Yes. Come in.

[ Mother ]
Who is it, Helen?
It's the police, Mother.

[ Helen ]
Um, we're just having a, uh,
before-dinner cocktail.

Would you, um, uh--
No, that's all right.

Ask for his identification.

Oh, Mother, uh--
I'm sorry, Lieutenant.

That's all right. That's all right.
She's entitled to that.

You must be Mrs.--
Walters. Right.
Mrs. Walters. Walters.

Here you are, ma'am.

You sure don't look
like a policeman.

I have to make a salad.

Here you are.
Thank you.

Mother is the eternal optimist.

She's always hoping for the worst.
[ Laughs ]

Well, Lieutenant, uh, what, uh--

What is that?
Do you mind?

Would you like to see it?
I'd like it very much.

Well, it's-- it's not finished yet.

When it's done,
it's gonna be a bowl.

You know,
like for plants and things. Um--

Or maybe it's gonna be
an Indian water pitcher.

I haven't really made up my mind yet,
creatively speaking.

Well, this work is very,
very interesting.

Well, they say it's important
to work with your hands.

It's very good therapy...

and she needs it.

I'm just a mass of
therapeutic studies lately--

sailing, art classes.

I even went back to work.
What do you do?

I work with children
and animals.

Well, that's--
that's constructive.

You see that?
That's a reflection of my job.

Oh. You don't know
what it is, do you?

Uh, no, I don't know what it is,
but it's very nice.

Well, it's a South American llama.
We have them at the Ark Park.

At the where?

The Ark Park.
That's where I work with
the children and the animals.

I see. So this fella here
is a llama, huh?

Well, you see, I try and go
beyond the surface, you know...

to find, um, a deeper meaning,
a-a truer reality.

[ Chuckles ]

At least, that's what I think I do.
[ Chuckles ]

Mrs. Stewart,
I'm gonna get right to the point.

You know, I couldn't find
any evidence of any sh**ting
in that house that you pointed out.

I mean, there was no g*n.
There was no victim.
There was nothing.

just a house,
a fella livin'in it.

Well, I know what I saw.

- Maybe you think you saw it.
- What does that mean?

The fella that owns that house
is a retired marine general.

He says that if you
saw him in the window--

one, he was alone,
and two, he was wearing a bathrobe.

What about the man in uniform?

He says that later on,
he did try on an old uniform...

and he was carrying
a target p*stol at the time.

He says he happened to trip over
a crate that he was packing.

Now, to you, does, uh--
does that sound like
a reasonable explanation?

Oh, very reasonable,
but it's not what I saw.

Uh-huh. I see.

Uh, did you ever wear glasses?

No, I don't wear glasses.
I have perfect vision.

- No, I have better than perfect vision.
- Mm-hmm.

Look, uh, I don't want you
to get offended at what
I'm gonna say now, but, uh...

were you doin'
a little drinkin' this afternoon?

Oh!

Oh, Lieutenant,
this is really too much.!

I mean,
that police officer this afternoon,
and then my mother, and now--

I am not hallucinating!
I'm just trying to reconcile
your story.

I saw two men--
one in a bathrobe,
and the other one in a uniform.

The one in the bathrobe
sh*t the other man.

That is the simple truth--
the sane and the sober
and the simple truth.

Now, do you believe me?

Mrs. Stewart, a m*rder charge
is about as serious as you can get.

Lieutenant, I didn't ask you
if it was a serious charge.

I asked you if you believe me.

You always did have a weird imagination,
even as a child.

Those imaginary playmates,
all those games.

You never wanted to face reality.

Mother, to some people...

that would have meant that I had
a creative and imaginative mind.

[ Knocking On Door ]
I'll get it.

Can't a person sit down
and have a bite to eat in peace?

Yes?
[ Chuckles ]
Mrs. Stewart?

No, no, no, no.
I'll-- I'll call her for you.

Helen darling,
there's a gentleman here to see you.

[ Helen ]
For me?
Yes. Yes.

Yes?
You're Mrs. Stewart?

[ Stammers ]
You seem surprised.

Well, uh, pleasantly, I assure you.

What can I do for you?

You can watch the 1:00 news
on television tonight.

What?

Apparently I need
a character reference.

[ Chuckles ]
I-I'm afraid I don't understand.

You don't recognize me?

[ Chuckles ]
No. Should I?

You said that you saw me...
sh**t somebody today.

No, no. You have nothing
to fear from me, Mrs. Stewart.

But if you'll watch
the late news tonight...

I'm sure you'll agree that, uh,
you've miscast me... as a m*rder*r.

Earlier this evening,
General Martin J. Hollister
was honored by his alma mater...

the Marine m*llitary Institute.

At the banquet tonight, M.M.I.
dedicated the Hollister Exhibit...

in their Memorial Hall.

The General thereby joining
other select alumni...

who have distinguished themselves
in the defense of their country.

General Hollister was given
a standing ovation.

If any man in recent memory
may be said to have had charisma...

certainly that man
was General Martin J. Hollister.

Early on in the Korean w*r,
as a colonel commanding
a regiment of armored cavalry...

Hollister captured the imagination
of the American people.

His courage, his brilliance in improvising
in the heat of battle...

his colorful garb --
riding breeches, boots
and pearl-handled Colt .45--

soon earned him the nickname
""The Iron Horseman.''

Later as a brigadier general
with his own division...

he distinguished himself
by a daring end-run in which...

out of amm*nit*on
and using only his famous p*stol
and a monumental bluff...

he succeeded in capturing
the opposing enemy commander
and his entire headquarters.

Finally, a land mine accomplished
what nothing else could--

put General Hollister out of action
with severe wounds--

wounds that necessitated
his untimely retirement
from active duty...

as one of the youngest major generals
in this nation's m*llitary history.

On the foreign scene,
the Secretary of State again reiterated...

the United States's determination
to keep current troop levels
in Europe stable.

In reply to sharp Senate--
[ TVOff ]

You still think a man like that could
sh**t someone for no reason at all?

He's practically on Mount Rushmore.

You didn't even recognize him
when he came here.

I was in a state of shock.
I mean, I didn't expect him
to show up on our doorstep.

Why don't you just admit
that you're not sure?

Because I am sure.

You were sure when you
were married to Tom too. Remember?

You had him running around
with every woman in town.

No wonder
he asked for a divorce.

Those were not mirages, Mother!

Those were flesh-and-blood ladies
he was carrying on with.

He even admitted it.

Your pot's overcooking.

That is not a pot!

It's a crock!

Oh!
[ Clicks Tongue ]

General Hollister.
Colorful character.

Reminds me of General Patton.
Old Blood and Guts.

How about a game of pool
before we call it a night, Lieutenant?

No, thanks, Bert. Not tonight.
I gotta get up early.

Got somethin' special goin' on?

Uh, yeah.
I think I'm gonna do a little fishin'.

Hey. All right.

If you catch something good,
bring it in.

I'll give you a bowl of chili free.
Hey!

Come on, General,
just one more drink, huh?
One more?

Look, it's
4:00 in the morning.

Go on home
to your wives, gentlemen.

Let's go up
for one more drink.

Look, I always make it a rule
to be in bed before reveille.

Go home.
Good night, gentlemen.

[ Sighs ]

[ Clicks ]

[ Engine Running ]

[ Engine Revving ]

[ Engine Slowing ]

Ahoy, Lieutenant.
You're an early bird.

Oh, yes, sir.
Be right with you.

Yeah.
I'm just, uh...

combining a little
business with pleasure.

At this hour?
Well, George--

My brother-in-law George?
Well, you don't know him.
Yeah.

But at any rate, he's
a fantastic fisherman, this man...

and he told me that
the best time to catch anything
is around about now.

He says, get there before
everybody, and you kind of
catch the fish off guard.

Mm-hmm.
Doesn't look like it worked.

Not yet.
But I'm gonna keep trying.

Mm-hmm. I don't think
you'll catch anything big
around here, Lieutenant.

You're too close in.

Oh? Yeah, you know?
You're probably right.

General, there's somethin'
I don't understand.

All the other fishing boats,
they were goin' out...

and your boat is
just comin' in.
Mm-hmm.

Why is that?

I've won a lot of battles, Lieutenant,
and I've caught a lot of fish...

by doing the unconventional thing.

Do you know that
I have always envied
somebody with that talent?

Mm-hmm.
I don't think
you can learn that.

You know, I think
you're born with that?

You know, inventors,
and m*llitary strategists?

Now, I wish I had that, because
that'd be a terrific thing in my work.
Do you know what I mean?

Mm-hmm.
Yes, I'm sure it would.

Oh, General, talking about work,
there's a couple of loose ends
I'd like to tie up--

Nothin' important, you understand,
but I would like to get 'em tied up.

Fire away.
Well, I was watchin' the news
on television last night.

Those film clips of you in action?
Great stuff!. Really.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, it was just thrilling.

But you know, General, I happened
to notice that you were carrying
a pearl-handled p*stol.

Splendid w*apon.
A single-action Colt .45.

Yeah, I remembered that!
That was kinda like your
trademark, wasn't it?

Well, the thing is this,
that, uh...

yesterday, when I asked you
whether you owned any g*ns...

you showed me your souvenirs,
and you showed me your target p*stol.

Which is all very well and good.

But I was wondering,
whatever happened to
that pearl-handled revolver?

Because when I looked
into the crate, you know
I didn't see it in there.

Lost it, Lieutenant.
Long time ago.

When I was in the hospital in Korea,
someone ""liberated'' it, you know.

Wanted a souvenir.

Actually, I was--
I was pretty pleased it was taken.

It was getting to be just too much
of a publicity gimmick.

I see. So the Hollister Exhibit...

is gonna have to do without
the famous Hollister g*n.

Uh, not exactly. M.M.I.
wanted one for their Memorial...

so they had a duplicate made.
I see.

Uh-huh. Now, uh,
I've gotta change.

so, if there's anything else
I can do for you?

No, that'd be all, sir.
Oh, fine, fine.

just a piece of advice.

Find a different spot.
Or use a different bait.

Otherwise, you're not
gonna catch anything,
Lieutenant.

[ Goats Bleating ]

[ Children Chattering ]

[ Animals Calling,
Bleating, Singing ]

Mrs. Stewart .
Mrs. Stewart?

Good afternoon. Did you watch
television last night?

Yes, I did.
Uh, how did you find me?

I went by your apartment.
Had a nice talk with your mother.

Quite a lady.
Isn't she?

Mm-hmm. I understand
that you're through here
in about an hour.

Do you suppose that
you and I could go somewhere--

oh, a public place, if you're worried--

someplace where
we could have a drink?

Why?
Well, you're breaking the law.

Uh, wha--? I don't
think I understand.
You're accusing...

convicting and sentencing me,
without a fair trial.

Now, wouldn't you say
that that's un-American?

?? [ Lounge: Jazz ]

Here's to your convictions--
and my acquittal.

Well, I don't judge you, General.

I just report what I saw.

Uh, I'd like to suggest...

the possibility that
you were deceived.

Deceived by whom?

By yourself.

We all know the tricks that
the sun and the sea---

even your own eyes
can play on you, huh?

Particularly after
a long day on the water.

Would you admit
that that's possible?

just possible.

[ Chuckles ]
Well, I suppose so.

The defense rests. For today.

Now, I think we ought to
prosecute these martinis...

before their statutes
of limitations expire.

Uh, your mother told me
that you were divorced.

Yes.

Well, I saw how very, um...

good you were with those children?

- Do you have any of your own?
- No.

Unfortunately.
I always wanted them, but...

Tom-- why, th-that's my ex--
he didn't want children.

We used to fight about that a lot.
[ Laughs ]

Well, maybe you only lost
one battle...

Mrs. Stewart.

Not a whole w*r.

Well, what about you?
Are you married?

No. Never could find the time.

First, there was my m*llitary career.

And then, my construction company.
I was married to the business, as they say.

Well, I-I can understand that.

Do you ever... regret it?

Not really.

Oh, there are exceptions.
Like, uh...

last night, when the door opened
and I saw you.

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, come on, General.

You don't think I'm so insensitive as to
not see through that remark, do you?

Now, what do you mean by that?

Well, yesterday I called the police...

and I-I reported that
I saw you sh**t a man.

And today, you're telling me that when
you saw me, music filled your ears...

and thunder and lightning
filled the sky?

- Oh, boy!
- [ Laughing ] Yeah, you're right, you're right.

I guess if we both see such a scene
in a movie, we'd-we'd break up.

[ Chuckles ]

I meant it, though.

And to prove that,
I want to take you to dinner.

Agreed?

I'll take that for a yes.

And if Helen had just closed her eyes
to some of Tom's... flirtations...

they might still be married!

Whatever happened
to your husband, Mrs. Walters?

Who knows! Sent him out
for Chinese food thirty years ago....

and I haven't
heard from him since.

You know that I have
raised that girl since she was
three years old, single-handed?

Mother--

Mrs. Stewart.
Hello, Lieutenant.

Well, I hope you don't
expect to eat now.

No.
I already had dinner.

At a lovely restaurant
overlooking the city.
It was just beautiful.

Well, you might have called.

Did you dine alone?

Why, no. Not this time.

As a matter of fact, I had
dinner with General Hollister.

General Hollister.!

Well, what do you know about that?
Are you gonna see him again?

Well, he-he asked me
to come out on his yacht.
[ Giggles ]

Well, that calls for a drink.

You play your cards right--
bourbon today, champagne tomorrow.

Makes you kinda
wonder, doesn't it?
About the General.

What do you mean?
I didn't tell him your name, you know.
And I didn't tell him where you lived.

So, uh, he musta gone
to a lot of trouble to find you.

Curiosity about his accuser.

Yeah, could be that.
Course, it could be something else.

Oh, thanks a lot, Lieutenant.

Am I so uninteresting that he couldn't
be interested in me for myself?

Oh, no. No, no.
No, I didn't mean that at all.

You're a very individual person.

No, what I was talking about
was the sh**ting. You see, I had
second thoughts about the sh**ting.

You see, our traffic people, they
picked up a couple of kids.

They were joyriding in a car
they hot-wired.

And it turned out this car belonged
to a Roger Dutton...

and he's a Marine colonel,
Mrs. Stewart.

And it could be that
he was the man that you saw
in the General's house.

You know, you did a lot of
investigating...

for a man who asked me if I wore
glasses, or if I had been drinking.

Well, that's just
part of the job. Anyway...

I found out this Colonel Dutton...

booked a passage on an 8:00 p.m.
flight to Switzerland.

But then, he never showed up
to take the plane.

Well, I-I still don't
get the connection.

No, you see, this Colonel Dutton...

he was in the Marine
Matériel Command--

[ Scoffs ]
That's a, uh, he's
a procurement officer.

But he had a lotta dealings
with General Hollister.

And he suddenly took a leave
and then he just disappeared.

Now, if you could identify
the officer in this photograph...

as the man that
General Hollister sh*t--

Then, I think, a lot of
these pieces would fall into place.

I-I can't be sure.

Well, now that photograph
is three years old--
It all happened so quick.

I just can't be sure.

I see. Uh-huh. Okay.

We haven't found a body yet,
so why don't you just keep that?

Uh--
And maybe we'll come
back to you, yes? All right.

Uh, good night, Mrs. Walters.
Good night, Mrs. Stewart.

Uh--

You know what strikes me?
You're the one that downgrades yourself.

One dinner
with General Hollister...

and you begin
to doubt your senses.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Seagulls Crying ]

[ Boat's Engine Chugging ]

Helen? You awake?

Ahh! I never knew
how hard fishing could be.

Never tell that to a fisherman.
Look.
[ Chuckles ]

- What do you see?
- Your house.

And in the window?
[ Chuckles ]

I can't see anything,
because of the reflection
of the sun on the water.

You know, you said that
you saw a sh**ting there,
about this same time of day.

??["Mood" Strings ]
[ Ice Rattling ]

[ Clinking ]

Ooh.
[ Grunts ]

Dance?
[ Laughing ]
Uh, me? No.

What?
No, I--
I'm kind of a klutz.

Well, you know, my ex-husband,
Tom, you know, he was--

he was like a ballroom dancer,
I mean, he was so smooth...

it was like-- it was like
he was ice skating, you know?

And then, I mean, I--
[ Groans ]

Well, people used to smirk
and make jokes. [ Chuckles ]

Those were my plumper days.

My mother said... [ Giggles ]
I looked like a radish.

Come here.
No!

Come here.
That's an order.

[ Screaming ]

[ Ship's Horn Sounding ]

[ Male Announcer]
This late development has just
come into our newsroom.

Early this morning, the body
of a man surfaced in the ocean
one-half mile off Marago Cove.

The body has been identified
as that of Colonel Roger Dutton...

of the United States
Marine Matériel Command.

The police report that Colonel
Dutton's whereabouts has been
in question for the past two weeks.

We return you now to
The Timothy Jones Show.

[ Clicks Off]

Ahoy.!

Ahoy, there, Lieutenant.
What's this, another
fishing expedition?

Not exactly.Just wanted
to talk to you, General.

Oh, I'm afraid I can't
right now. No time.

Uh, unless you want to go along.
A short scenic cruise?

I, uh-- I'm taking an overnight haul.

I want to test the engines.
Okay.

Uh, cast this line off down here
and then hop aboard, huh?

[ Engine Revving ]

[Columbo ] Gorgeous craft!
Must have cost a mint, huh?

As they say, Lieutenant,
if you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Right. You know, the biggest thing
I've ever been on before is a rowboat.

Lieutenant...

you didn't come all the way
out here just to talk about
life on the high seas.

Huh? Oh!

No. No, I was wondering, General...

have you heard about that body
that they found off Marago Cove?

Oh, Colonel Dutton?
Yeah, I just heard about it.
just came on the radio.

That is shocking.

- Any idea what happened?
- Yes, sir.

Somebody sh*t him, sir.

I guess they weighted him down
and then they just dumped him.

Is that a fact?
Yeah.

Yeah, I guess the sharks must
have cut through whatever
was holding him down.

Well, this is all very
interesting, Lieutenant, but
why are you telling me this?

Well, sir, uh--
to protect you.

Protect me?
Yes, sir.

You see, I know
that this is ridiculous...

but the fellas down there
at the department, they're sayin'...

they've got some kind of
a pretty good case against you.

- Oh? [ Chuckles ]
- Yeah.

- Of course, they're way out
of line, I know that.
- Of course, of course.

But you know, they have these ideas,
and it could be embarrassing.

I tell ya, I, uh--
I kinda hate to get into it.

- I mean, a man of your stature--
- By all means, get into it, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

[ Columbo ] Well, take motive.

Your construction company got a lot
of contracts through Colonel Dutton.

So did hundreds of other companies.

Yeah, but it seems as though
he was being investigated
by the Inspector General.

And if he were k*lled, there
would be no way of proving...

a conspiracy
to defraud the government.

Well, if no one's around, perhaps
that means it doesn't exist!

[ Engine Revving ]
Right.

Right, that's a good point.

Uh, there's one other thing.

Uh, the morning
after he disappeared...

you went out on your yacht.

Sheer coincidence .

Yeah, it probably is.
But we do know that the body
was disposed of at sea.

Now, I've been studying
the tides, General.

Now, the Coast and Geodetic
Survey's got a book on 'em...

and it shows that a body dumped
off the marina in the ocean...

might carry down
to Marago Cove.

Might, Lieutenant. Might.

Sheer speculation!

Lieutenant, you should tell
your... colleagues...

that they have yet to show any link
between Colonel Dutton and myself--

something that would prove
that we actually met on that day.

Yes, sir, uh, you're right there.

But now that you mention it,
it occurs to me that the night
that the colonel disappeared...

I did see a car like his
across the street from your house.

I don't know what kind
of a car the colonel drove...

but there must be thousands
of them in Southern California.

You didn't, uh, by any chance...
[ Sighing Deeply ]

check the registration at the time?

Uh, no, sir. No, sir, I didn't.

- There's no reason to.
- Now, that was unfortunate, wasn't it?

[ Revs Engine ]

Uh, General, if you don't mind,
I'd like to go back now.

Yes, as you wish. I guess we're
about through with this test run.

[ Revving Faster ]

You know, Lieutenant,
I don't see how a man...

with the name of "Columbo"--

Shouldn't he be
more at home on a boat?

Must have been another branch
of the family, sir.

How soon before we land?

Not long.

[ Groans ]

You know, General, there is a link
between you and Colonel Dutton.

Really?
Mrs. Stewart.

An eyewitness to the m*rder
of a m*llitary man in your house.

Help the lady aboard.

Oh! Oh, Lieutenant, would you--
[ Fussing ]
Let me take the bag.

Well, no, maybe you better--
Could you just-- Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

Should I take the bag? All right.
Yeah, yeah. [ Grunts ]
All right?

There we are.
Okay? Oh!
Thank you. Thank you.

Are you all right?
Me? Fine.

just fine, yes. There's something
I wanted to talk to you about,
Mrs. Stewart.

Uh, we've just recovered a body.

A Colonel Dutton, the man
that I spoke to you about?

Somebody dumped him
in the ocean.

He thinks I sh*t him.
What I think is unimportant.

What counts is what you saw.

[ Scoffs ] I--
Well, I-I didn't see anything.

Well, now, Mrs. Stewart,
that's not what you said.

Well, no, it was the light,
some crazy reflection--

Yeah, but you told me
that you distinctly--

I don't care what I said.
I was wrong.

- Can't a person make a mistake?
- Look, maybe if I could talk
about this later on.

I'm gonna say the same thing later
that I'm saying now, so would ya--

Would you just
please leave me alone?

If you ever want to go out again,
I'll be happy to take you, Columbo.

[ Sighs Deeply ]

Hey, Lieutenant. How goes it?

So-so, huh?

How 'bout a bowl of chili?

- Bert, gimme some chili.
- Ah, there you go.

Comin' right up, Lieutenant.
[ Bowl Rattles ]

Got the best in town,
you know.

You got a match?
Sure.!

Lemme get this chili to ya.

Here you go, your crackers--
[ Silverware Rattling ]

[ Blows ]

Here you go.
Help yourself.

How do you like that coffee?
Is that black?
What's this?

What is this?
That's my helmet from the w*r.

- What w*r?
- What w*r. World w*r II!

My wife says I can never
throw anything out.

So the other day she put
her foot down. She says
either the junk goes or she goes.

You decided to keep her.

[ Sighs ]
It was a tough decision.

Anyway, I brought all
my w*r trophies over here.

Hey! Wait a minute.

You're one guy that can
appreciate this. I'll get you
another bowl of chili.

My chili is good, no matter what--
Here. Yeah, I got this, that--
Look at this.

Like, I saved a little--
It's a Japanese stirring spoon.

I got 'em at Okinawa,
the commissary. Yeah.
[ Chuckles ] Ah, well.

You know, I guess my wife is right.
I can't give anything away.

Especially when it means
something to ya.

Yeah, that was
a long time ago, Lieutenant.

[ Sighs ]
Yeah.
Bert, gimme a dime.

Okay, Lieutenant.
There you go.

Let me give you that
bowl of chili I dropped on ya.

Is that cream and sugar
in that coffee?

Mrs. Stewart? Lieutenant Columbo.

Mrs. Stewart?
Listen.

I appreciate very much
your coming down here
and meeting me.

just remember our agreement,
Lieutenant. No questions and no
trying to get me to change my mind.

Not one question.
Not even a half a question.

I only wanted you
to see the exhibit.

Why?
Look.

In order to understand a man,
you have to understand his past.

Quite a collection, huh?

You see that book?
That's a Marine m*llitary Manual.

Do you know the story
behind that book?
No. Mm-mm.

Martin wanted to wait till the first
rush of tourists had passed, so he
could explain everything to me himself.

Oh. Gee, I guess he wants you
to know what kind of man he is too.

About this book.
There's a b*llet in that book.

A sn*per tried to k*ll him.

And that book stopped a b*llet.
And you know, he never batted an eye?

I mean, that-- that tells you something
about what kind of man he is.

Yes, that he's a man
filled with courage.

More than a great deal.
I think he has an unusual
amount of courage.

More than you and I,
and more than average people.

I mean, if was me,
I would faint.

I mean, most people would
take time to recover.

But he didn't.

You see, I think he's, uh--
He's a very a cool man under pressure.

Hey, that's nice, isn't it? Isn't that
beautifully cut? Custom tailored.

You know, I think
it's almost too nice.

I mean, all that concern about clothes,
it's kinda vain, don't you think?

[ Clicks Tongue ]
Some men, Lieutenant...

do not want to look like
an unmade bed.

just look at this stuff.
[ Clicks Tongue ]

Look at that!

I mean, this man just had
a natural flair for attracting
attention to himself.

Sometimes undesirable
attention, Lieutenant.

You don't seem
surprised to see me.

Oh, I was kind of expecting you.
I mean, when I spoke to Mrs. Stewart...

I had a hunch that she'd tell you.

I'd like to know what this is all about.

All right, sir.
I'll get right to the point.

It's has to do with
that duplicate of your g*n.

What about it?

Well, I find it hard to believe--

Mrs. Stewart, see if you
agree with me on this--

I find it hard to believe
that a man like General Hollister...

who saved and cherished
every w*r souvenir--

even the smallest photograph--

I just think it's strange
that he was so careless as
to allow his g*n to be stolen.

I mean, that p*stol was the most famous
single symbol of his whole legend.

You agree with me, don't you?

Well-- [ Sighs ]

I don't know what
you want me to say.

Well, if it was me--
if it was my g*n...

I would take very good care
of that g*n.

I'd have it in my apartment
where people could see it...

and I would keep it polished,
and I would keep it oiled...

and I would keep it loaded.

And when a certain Colonel Dutton
came to see me...

and threatened to expose me,

that's the g*n that I would use.

Well, if what you say is true,
I mean, you searched!

- Where is that g*n?
- That's what I asked myself.

Where is the g*n?

Why not on public display?
Why not in a glass case?

Why not in front of
thousands of people?

And after we found Colonel
Dutton's body, anybody else--

you, me, anybody else--

We'd have gotten rid of that g*n.

We found the b*llet in the victim...

and the ballistics check will
match up the b*llet with the g*n.

But somehow, General,
something told me...

that you could never
get rid of that g*n.

It meant too much to you.

You couldn't even
part with a cigarette lighter.

No, that pearl-handled p*stol
was just too tied up in your pride.

Because of your tremendous
belief in yourself, you figured
everyone would accept your story...

about having a duplicate made.

But there never was a duplicate made,
was there?

This, in fact, is the m*rder w*apon,
isn't it, General?

I assume Ballistics has
checked out the g*n.

That won't be necessary.
All right, Lieutenant.

[ Softly ]
I'm sorry.

What is it with me, Lieutenant, huh?

I seem to have a special talent, you know?
I mean, with--

With all the men in the world,

I always seem to pick Mr. Wrong.

I'm seriously considering locking myself
in a closet for the rest of my life.

No. That's wrong.

That's just the way my niece,
Marilyn, felt after her divorce.

Now she's got a new husband.
As a matter of fact, he's a cop.

And they got six kids.

Lieutenant-- I mean, just between us,
would you tell me the truth?

Do you really have a niece?
What kind of a question is that?
""Do I really have a niece?''

Well, do you?
Of course I've got a niece!
My wife's sister's girl, Cynthia.