[Groaning, Gasping]
[Wind Howling]
[Man] Ah! Here we are!
Look at that bird. Mother,
you've outdone yourself this time.
Just put it down and
let me get started on it.
May we be truly thankful for
what we're about to receive.
[Thunder Crashes]
What does everybody
want? [All Chattering]
[Screaming]
[Thinking] That tall, dark,
handsome-looking fellow...
you're looking at is me.
I guess you're wondering
what's going on here.
Well, it all started
about days ago,
when I was invited to a
reunion of my old army outfit.
[Lily] You can't do it.
No matter how hard
you try, it just won't fit.
I don't understand it.
It must have shrunk since I
got out of the army. [Chuckles]
Were you a hero in the w*r, Dad?
Well, I don't like
to brag, Eddie,
but when I'd get up
out of that foxhole,
the enemy would take one
look at me in this uniform and run.
Come to think of it, a lot of our
guys used to look at me and run too.
You can forget about wearing it
to the reunion. It just doesn't fit.
Look. This is the
first time in years...
the guys from my old
outfit are getting together.
They're all gonna be wearing
their uniforms at the banquet.
How will it look if
I'm the only guy to
show up in civvies?
They'll all stare at me.
Herman, I don't
want you to go at all.
I know what goes on at
those so-called reunions.
Besides, if there's one thing
you don't need, it's a banquet.
Just look at you.
What's wrong with
me? What's wrong?
You're too fat. That's
what's wrong. Fat? Me, fat?
Yeah. Marilyn, I ask
you... am I too fat?
- Well...
- Never mind!
What are you
yelling at Marilyn for?
I mean, don't you know that
fat men are supposed to be jolly?
That's not the issue. Herman, if you go
to that reunion, you'll be away overnight.
Lily... Herman,
we haven't been separated
in over a hundred years.
But, Lily, it's just one night.
I know just the way Lily feels.
I felt the same way
about Grandma. [Sighs]
Oh, she was quite a
woman, your grandma.
Lily, I wanna go to the reunion.
I wanna, I wanna! I wanna!
All right, Herman.
I'll tell you what.
The reunion is
still days away.
If you can lose enough weight to get
into your uniform by then, you can go.
You got yourself a
deal. I'll just stop eating.
Oh, no. No, no. You'll have to to go to a
doctor and have a physical examination.
Get him to put you
on a sensible diet.
I don't want a sick
corpse on my hands.
Okay. You've got
yourself a deal.
[Man] What are my
appointments today?
[Woman] Well, you have a
new patient... a Mr. Munster.
He's here for a checkup.
Something about a diet.
Then you have a pretty
full schedule till noontime.
A diet, huh? Oh, all right.
Oh, would you take these glasses
down to the optometrist down the hall?
The lens keeps popping
out on me, and I'm so
nearsighted, I can't
see a thing without 'em.
I'll be right back, Doctor.
[Knocking] Yes. Yes.
Excuse me. There's no one
outside, and I have an appointment.
- I'm Herman Munster.
- Oh, yes.
My nurse just stepped
down the hall. Uh, come in.
I'm Doctor Dudley.
How do you do?
Well, Mr. Munster, I see
you brought your doggie.
I'm afraid he'll have to wait
outside unless he's had his sh*ts.
I'm afraid you don't understand.
I'm here for an examination.
I have some weight
to lose in a hurry.
Oh, yes. You're the
gentleman. who wants the diet.
Well, my nurse just took my
glasses to be repaired, and, uh...
I could come back later. No need.
No need. It's just a routine physical.
I could do it blindfolded.
Now, if you just sit down
over here, I'll look you over.
Now, stick out your tongue.
Doc?
Oh, there you are. You
mustn't be afraid of me.
Now, have, uh, you
ever had the measles?
Chicken pox?
Or the mumps? Or severe
dizziness or headaches?
No. Just the Black Plague.
Black Plague? Very funny.
Something wrong?
No, no. That's what I get for buying
this equipment from my brother-in-law.
Now, have, uh...
Have you had your
appendix or, uh, tonsils...
or gallbladder or
spleen removed?
No, not since they
were first put in.
Quite a comedian, aren't ya?
Sixty-two point eight?
Why, that's incredible!
Oh, not really.
I always run a little
fever when I'm nervous.
Well, you mustn't be nervous.
And now I'll take your pulse.
Now, look, I told you once...
you got to get the dog out of here!
Scoot! Scoot! Doc,
that's my hand.
Y-You mean you
were born with this?
No, someone else was.
And I'll always be grateful.
Not everyone will give you
a hand when you need one.
If you're gonna make me
laugh, we'll be here all day.
Now, if you'll just step over
here to the scale, Mr. Munster.
Doc, I hate to contradict you,
but the scale is over here.
Oh, I'm sorry. The woman that
dusts for me keeps moving my things.
Now, if you'll
just step up here.
[Bongs Four Times]
: already? Where's the
nurse with those glasses?
Well, shall we check
the old tick-tick-ticker?
Keep the best for the last.
Mr. Munster, now, if
you'll just sit down here.
That... That-a-boy.
Here we go.
You know, I just discovered
something extraordinary.
I can't hear a thing
without my glasses.
Doc...
How silly of me. You
ought to be a doctor.
[Knocking] There we are.
[Knocking Continues]
Comin' in good.
Doc, I think there's
someone at the door.
[Knocking Continues]
You're right. Excuse me.
Here are your glasses,
Doctor. Thank you, Nurse.
She's pretty but poky.
Well, shall we, uh,
push on, Mr. Munster?
Is there a doctor in the house?
Lily? Grandpa?
Lily? Oh. Listen to
this. It's from the doctor.
What were the results of your
examination? "Dear Mr. Munster,
"I have studied the results
of your examination...
"and have reached the
following conclusions:
"Your pulse is ; your
blood pressure is minus three;
body temperature, . ;
and heartbeat, none."
So far, so good.
"Furthermore, it is my duty
as a physician to warn you...
that unless you go on
the enclosed diet and lose
pounds immediately,
you'll be dead in a week."
- But if I'm dead,
I can't go to the reunion.
- Well, I don't know.
That never stopped
me from going anywhere.
I'm gonna lose a hundred
pounds and go to the reunion...
In uniform...
Even if it kills me.
Herman, lunch.
I don't know how he's done it. Six
days on nothing but vitamins and water.
I didn't think he'd really be
able to stick to it this long.
Herman. Hurry up.
Your lunch is getting cold.
Mmm. Looks delicious.
And what have we here?
Vitamins and water. Oh, Lily.
Oh. And a B- too.
Lily, you shouldn't have
gone to so much trouble.
Delicious. Would you pass...
[Chewing Loudly]
[Sloshing]
[Burps]
I never knew you could
get indigestion from water.
Has anybody got a toothpick?
Enough is enough!
You win. Go to the reunion.
Just don't wear your uniform.
But please, eat something.
No! Now it's become
a matter of principle.
And besides, I've just
got four more days to go.
Four more days.
You'll never make it.
Never make it.
[Stomach Bubbling]
[Bubbling Continues]
Aha! Grandpa!
What are you doing
hanging around down here?
What am I doing? [Chuckles]
What are you doing?
- I thought I heard a burglar.
- Of course.
And you thought you'd
find him in the refrigerator.
[Laughing]
Herman, put
yourself in my place...
and look at the diet
from a sensible position.
No. I've only got two more days to
go, and I've got to get to that reunion.
For your own good,
take my advice.
Listen to someone whose
head is not always in the clouds.
Eat something already.
No. Now it's become
a matter of principle.
I'm gonna see it through!
You'll never make it. [Laughing]
You'll never make it!
Good night.
[Stomach Bubbling]
And please stop that noise.
I'm trying to get some sleep.
[Bubbling Continues]
[Objects Clattering]
Oh, come on, Uncle Herman.
Eat something. Please?
Look. Today is my last day.
I'm gonna make it.
Tomorrow's the reunion.
You'll never last. You'll
eat before the day is up.
Oh, no, I won't.
Tonight at dinner, can I have
his drumstick? We'll see, dear.
- Drumstick?
- Yeah. Today's Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving? I told
you he wouldn't make it.
You mean, Thanksgiving with
turkey and cranberry sauce?
That kind of Thanksgiving?
Yeah, that's the kind...
With the dressing and the
mashed potatoes and the gravy.
With the dressing and the
mashed potatoes and the gravy...
And the pickled beets and the
mushrooms and the candied yams.
With the pickled beets and the
mushrooms, the candied yams...
And the olives and the celery
stuffed with Roquefort cheese.
Olives, the celery stuffed
with Roquefort cheese.
And the homemade biscuits
oozing with melted butter.
Homemade biscuits oozing with melted
butter... And don't forget the pumpkin pie!
Pumpkin pie... [Gasps]
Oh! He fainted!
Oh! Oh, Herman. Herman.
Oh. Oh, Herman.
[Grandpa] I'll call the doctor.
Oh, are you all right, pussycat?
He's right in here,
Doctor. Thank you.
I didn't like the look of him when
he was in my office last week.
Didn't like the looks of his doggie
either. A little on the mangy side.
Well, I don't know what
you're talking about,
Doctor, but I do think
you ought to examine him.
All right. We'll
have a look here.
What are you doing, Doctor?
I hate to say this, but, uh,
you called me a little too late.
There's nothing more I can do.
What do you mean? This is just a
fainting spell. He's had these before.
Well, eight or nine times
in the last years!
I'm very sorry. Now, if you'll just help
me fill out this form for the authorities,
I won't intrude
on you any longer.
Now, was he a resident of
the country over six months?
Well, yes, but... Did he
serve in the armed forces?
Of course, Doctor, but
what... How many years?
Three years, but... Three years.
[Herman] Four years. Four years.
What was that? I
said it was four years.
Don't you remember, Lily? The
first year I was at Fort Benning.
Then I went overseas. And then
I was transferred to that outfit...
[Cries Out]
[Gasping, Shouting]
That doctor is ill. He shouldn't
be allowed around sick people.
Lily, what happened?
The last thing I remember is
something about pumpkin pie.
It's all right, Herman.
You just fainted.
That silly doctor
thought you were dead.
What a ridiculous
mistake. [Scoffs]
I may be starving to death,
but I'm the picture of health.
Just the same, this diet
has gone far enough.
No reunion is worth it.
No. I've only got
hours to go.
Lily, only hours.
And I'm gonna make it.
All I need is a little something
to hold me through the day.
Herman, I think I have just
the thing that will hold you.
That oughta hold
you. Thanks a lot.
I knew I could depend on you.
This reunion must be awfully
important to you, Herman.
Are you sure this is
the way you want it?
Lily, it's the only way. [Lily]
Well, Herman, we have to go now.
We thought we'd eat our
Thanksgiving dinner out.
That way, you won't be
bothered by the smell of food.
- Can you see the TV set
all right, Uncle Herman?
- Fine. Fine.
- You sure you'll be all right?
- Oh, sure.
Just go out and enjoy
yourselves. Have a hearty meal.
Bon appétit.
Well, good-bye, Herman.
Good-bye. Good-bye.
Good-bye, Eddie. Good night, dear.
Good night. Good-bye,
Uncle Herman.
Good night, Marilyn.
Don't worry about me.
I'll be just fine.
[Thinking] Hmph! Big deal.
A turkey dinner. Who
needs it, anyway?
[Man On TV] That
was a program of dinner
music coming to you
from the Gourmet Room...
located in the heart
of Eaton, Pennsylvania.
And now, a word
from our sponsor.
Are you in the market for
a Thanksgiving dinner...
with all the trimmings?
The phone our send-home
department, and within
an hour, on your table,
a hot turkey dinner...
The finest of succulent white
meat, the tastiest drumsticks,
the spiciest overstuffing’s, all
smothered in a deep, rich brown gravy.
[Gasping]
[Man Continues, Indistinct]
[Groaning, Gasping]
[Man] Then top off
this delectable repast...
with a delicious slice
of... [Indistinct] [Grunting]
In a sea of hot fudge sauce...
[Caws]
[Screams]
Ah! Here we are!
Look at that bird. Mother,
you've outdone yourself this time.
Just put it down and
let me get started on it.
May we be truly thankful for
what we're about to receive.
[Thunder Crashes]
Now, let's see. What
does everybody want?
[All Chattering]
Oh, this cuts beautifully.
[Screaming]
Turkey. Mmm! Mmm!
Mmm. Delicious! Mmm.
Boy. Mashed potatoes.
Mashed potatoes. Oh, will you
pass the brussels sprouts, please?
Mmm. That's good.
And this turkey is delicious!
Did you make the
dressing yourself? Delicious!
Oh, would you give
my wife the recipe?
Where is the cranberry sauce?
Uh, would someone pass
me the cranberry sauce?
What's a Thanksgiving
without cranberry sauce?
Will you pass the
cranberry sauce?
I want some cranberry sauce!
Where's Herman?
He's up in the attic
trying on his uniform.
[Chuckling] That's right.
Tonight's the reunion
of his old army outfit.
Boy, the way he ate last night,
he'll never get into that uniform!
It was very nice of
Mrs. Farber not to send
for the police after
the way Herman acted.
Mrs. Farber was very
understanding. As a matter of fact,
she said whenever her husband
goes on a diet, he acts hardly human.
[Chuckles] Becomes
a regular fiend.
Not only did Herman
eat their entire dinner...
but he even brought home the
cranberry sauce in a doggie bag.
Gee, Dad, you look
great! Thank you, son.
There certainly is
something about a soldier.
I never thought I'd be saying
good-bye to you again in uniform.
Lily, it's just one
night, you know.
I'm not going overseas.
What's this?
Just my ribs, that's all.
Let's see. Uh...
It's a bulletproof vest.
[Laughing] "Bulletproof vest."
That's Grandma's old corset.
Well, I admit it's
not strictly G.I.,
but that cranberry sauce
sure puts weight on ya!