[Inhales Deeply] Oh,
what a beautiful day.
Herman, are you ready?
Herman! I'm coming,
dear. I'm coming.
I couldn't get the lid closed.
Now, do you have the potato salad?
Yes, dear. Do you
have the pickles?
Yes, dear. Are we
going someplace?
Yes, Grandpa.
It's such a nice day.
Herman and I are
going to the beach.
You're not taking me? Grandpa,
you know you never enjoy the beach.
All you ever do when you get
there is bury yourself in the sand.
Coming, dear? Bye, Grandpa.
All right. All right. I'll stay home and
play checkers with Marilyn and Eddie.
Eddie!
Eddie? I'm right here, Grandpa.
Eddie, how about you going to find
Marilyn, and then the three of us...
will have a checker tournament?
Oh, Marilyn went out
with her new boyfriend.
And I have to go play with one
of the neighbor kids. Which one?
I don't know. I
haven't caught him yet.
That's it. Go ahead.
Go to the beach,
go to your boyfriend's,
go to your girlfriend's.
Leave the old man alone.
Who needs a lonely,
sick old grandfather?
[Squeaking]
Hey! Wait a minute!
Igor... Igor, how about you and I having
a game of checkers, huh? [Squeaking]
Oh, you got a date too.
Oh, Igor, you got no heart.
[Squeaking Continues]
You're nothing
but a rat with wings.
Oh, boy. When is anybody around here
gonna pay any attention to a poor old man!
[Squawking]
Nevermore, nevermore.
What's this? "Are you lonely?
Do you seek affection, companionship
and matrimony in the sunset years?"
[Chuckles] Why,
that's positively spooky.
"Let the Kindred Spirits
Matrimonial Agency...
make your 'September
Song' a duet."
[Chuckles] A wife.
Why not? It sure beats
burying yourself in the sand.
[Door Closing] ♪♪
[Humming "Wedding March"]
Good morning, Marilyn.
My, you're in a good
humor this morning.
Eh, Marilyn, what would
you say if I told you...
I was going to cast my line
into the sea of matrimony...
and catch a new
grandmother for you?
Grandpa, that's wonderful!
Aunt Lily! Uncle Herman!
Guess what? What?
Grandpa's got a
girl! Oh, Father!
Grandpa, you haven't been setting
out those traps in the park again?
I told you before.
It's not neighborly.
No. It's a girl, a fiancée.
How charming! Who is she?
Ohh! Now, don't rush me.
I only wrote to the
matrimonial agency yesterday.
- Matrimonial agency?
- Now, what's wrong with that?
Well, I think it's disgraceful,
beneath the family's dignity.
We're not the same as the average
members of the community, you know.
Why, Herman, what a
snobbish thing to say.
People look up to me,
watch me on the street.
I have an important
image to uphold.
Oh, Herman, don't be such
a stuffed shirt. Grandpa!
Matrimonial agency... Grandmother
would be turning over in her grave,
if she had one.
She's not quite as
pretty as Grandma.
Well what can you expect, huh?
A woman like your grandmother only comes
along once in a lifetime, every years.
Let me see the letter.
Her name's Lydia Gardner.
Oh. She was quite
impressed with my picture.
Hi, everybody. Well, back from a
hard day at the salt mines. [Chuckles]
Well, did I get any mail?
Sorry, Uncle Herman. Nothing.
Oh. But guess what Grandpa got...
a reply from that matrimonial agency.
Well, I hope he
isn't gonna answer it.
Ohhh! I suppose she
isn't good enough for you.
That's not it. It has
nothing to do with it.
It's the way you're going
about it... romance by mail.
[Laughs] You're too old
to be playing post office.
Well, I have as much rights
as anybody in this house,
and I'm inviting Mrs. Gardner
here to come and see us all.
You really think
she'll fall for you?
Well, you can stand
there and ask that?
You bring a sensitive, impressionable
woman here and expose her to me,
and you don't know what
will happen? [Laughs]
Well, if you bring her
here, do it while I'm at work.
I want no part of this. Hmm.
Now, Herman, why are
you so against this romance?
Sometimes I think you have no
heart at all. Don't be silly, dear.
That's what they put in first.
Oh, how do you do.
I-I'm Lydia Gardner.
The matrimonial
agency sent me? Oh, yes!
We've been expecting you. Oh.
Won't you come
in? Oh, thank you.
[Clears Throat] We thought
we'd have tea in the living room.
Grandpa's just
dying to meet you.
Oh?
My dear, this is such
a lovely old home.
It's so, uh, different.
[Chuckles] Thank you.
It does attract attention. We've had a
lot of comment on it from the neighbors.
It's a gracious tribute to the
age of this lovely old home...
that you've left
it just as it was.
Oh, but we didn't leave it.
It took Aunt Lily and Uncle
Herman years to get it this way. Oh?
Of course, they could
only work on it nights.
Ooh! What's that?
Why, that's my Aunt Lily.
Striking, isn't she?
Oh, you must be Mrs.
Gardner. I'm Lily Munster.
Oh, my dear, you're exactly
the way I pictured you.
Such poise, such
ethereal beauty...
You're like... something
out of this world.
Oh. [Laughs]
Thank you. Will you
have cream or lemon?
Uh, cream, please.
[expl*si*n]
[Laughs] That's just
Dad. He's such a show-off.
- "Dad"?
- Grandpa.
- Prepare to be impressed.
- [Loud Clattering]
Voilá!
Lydia, my darling, at last.
Did I frighten you?
Oh, well, uh... Eh,
yes, you did. Good!
I see you've been getting
acquainted with the girls.
But that isn't who you
came to meet, is it?
Well, what do you think?
Well, I think
you're magnificent.
And-And I must tell you... I never did
believe in long engagements. [Coy Chuckle]
We were hoping you’d come
and stay with us for a while,
so that you and Grandfather
could get... acquainted.
Oh, that's a splendid idea.
But, of course, I'd
have to get my things.
Of course, my darling.
But first, let me show
you around the house.
Aunt Lily, I can't quite
put my finger on it,
but, somehow, that
woman seems strange.
Doesn't everybody?
You'll learn to live
with it, dear. I have.
Kindred Spirits Matrimonial
Agency. Malcolm talking.
Oh, Mathers. Steve, yes. Hello.
Yes, we got your letter. Matter of
fact, I have it right here in my hand.
And your Dun &
Bradstreet rating. [Chuckles]
And we have found
just the girl for you...
Mrs. Lydia Gardner,
a dear person. [Door Closes]
What? Oh, I know
how you feel, but it, uh...
It will be another week... before
she can come out to the coast.
She, uh, has to
attend a funeral...
Very close relative...
by marriage.
I tell you what, Steve. There are a
couple of things you can be doing.
You received our insurance forms
and the last will and testament blank?
Good. Well, I'll tell
you what. Steve. Now, if
you'll just sign them and
have them notarized and...
What's that? Oh, beneficiary.
Oh, it's printed right on the forms.
Fine, Mr. Mathers. Thank you.
Good-bye.
- Hello, darling.
- Hello, baby.
[Laughing] Hello.
Well, did you meet your latest
husband-to-be? Mm-hmm.
Perfectly dreadful house,
but he'll be a pushover.
Looks like he has one foot
in the grave already. Good.
This one will make five men married
and "morgued" in the past three months.
Malcolm, I'm thinking
of a way to save at least
a day and a half on
each operation. Uh-huh.
Get them to combine the
funeral with the reading of the will.
Lydia, that's brilliant. How
do you think of things like this?
Very simple. All you need is
an attorney who plays the organ.
Here's his picture back. [Sighs]
Better put it in the file
with his letter. [Chuckles]
[Inhales] Hmm.
You know, honey, this one keeps
reminding me of Poochy Dowling. [Chuckles]
Wouldn't you say this fellow
looks a lot like Poochy, hmm?
You mean the way the way
he looked when I pushed him...
[Clicks Tongue] I mean, when he fell
off his yacht on our honeymoon cruise?
Uh, no. No, more the
way he looked a week later,
when they fished
him out of the water.
♪♪ [Humming]
Lily, stop fussing, will you?
What are you so grumpy about?
I just want the house
to look nice. Eh.
It's all this paperwork
Lydia brought with her...
Insurance, last
will and testament.
I tell you... getting married
is not what it used to be.
I thought all you had to
do was take a blood test,
and I was kinda
looking forward to that.
Well, that's that.
But Lydia's a darling.
She's worth all the red tape.
We'll be as sweet and cozy
as two little bats in a cave.
I'm sure you will. [Chuckles]
[Door Creaking]
Hello, dear. Grandpa.
Well, back from the salt
mines again. [Chuckles]
Mmm! Fresh weeds,
do we have company?
Hardly. More like a close
relative, uh, wouldn't you say, Lily?
Yes. Grandpa's
intended is in the kitchen.
[Chuckles] I want you
to meet her, Herman.
His mail-order bride
is in this house?
- I'm disgusted.
- ♪♪ [Humming "Wedding March"]
And I want no part of it.
If I was ever to lower
myself to meet that woman,
- I could never face myself again.
- Herman, she's going to be...
How could you do this
to me, Lily? And how
could you do this to the
memory of Grandmother?
I am never gonna meet that woman,
and I'm putting my foot down right now!
Oh!
[Floorboard Splinters]
Oh, darn!
Excuse me.
Lily, give Herman time. Lydia'll
be around with us for a while.
He's bound to run
into her sooner or later.
Oh. Oh, how nice!
Just wanted to be helpful.
Oh, eh, by the way, eh, uh,
I signed all the
papers you gave me.
[Air Kiss]
Here. Nothing like a little
bite before dinner. [Chuckles]
No, no, no, dear!
Uh, I made this
just for Grandpa.
Thank you, dear. Go away, kitty.
Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!
[Roars]
Don't mind Kitty. She's
just like one of the family.
[Chuckles] Oh, I
just can't get over...
how utterly
charming this place is.
These antiques must
be worth a fortune,
if one should
decide to sell them.
We do have a lot of valuable pieces,
but everything here isn't an antique.
Um, oh, well, that
chair for instance...
That's just something Grandpa
picked up at a prison surplus store.
It isn't even plugged in.
How quaint.
Incidentally, Mrs. Munster,
uh, where is your husband?
Oh, Herman was so sorry he
couldn't be here to greet you,
but he had one of his wretched
headaches, and he had to retire early.
[Clicks Tongue]
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Uh, do any other members
of your family live with you?
No, they're all dead.
I see. Passed away?
No, they haven't gone
anywhere. They're just dead.
Well now, Lydia, darling.
Come with me, and I'll
show you to your room.
Grandpa, let's put
Lydia in the guest room.
Oh... Oh, it's on the
sunny side of the house.
I hope you won't mind too much.
Uh, no.
Oh, that will be fine.
Good. Good. [Chuckles]
Come right this way.
You know, you remind me of
someone very dear, someone I lost.
Do you mind if I
call you Poochy?
[Roars]
Aunt Lily, I still don't
know about that woman.
There's something
that just hits a false note.
Marilyn, you've got to stop
being so critical of people.
Oh, Aunt Lily,
you're so ingenuous.
[Creaking]
Herman?
What? Listen.
[Faint Footsteps]
I don't hear
anything. That's it!
The shutters have
stopped squeaking.
Lily, you're always
not hearing things.
Go to sleep.
[Groaning]
Malcolm, I made the old boy an
avocado mickey, but he didn't take it.
So, I'm going to arrange
the accident right away.
I told him I'm a very
heavy sleeper, and I
don't want to miss an
important phone call...
from my dear
sister in California.
So, Malcolm, you dial this
number in just ten minutes.
He'll come hurrying
downstairs to answer the phone.
It'll be slip, slide,
crash, bang, and by this
time tomorrow, the
estate will be in probate.
Never could sleep
on an empty stomach.
But I couldn't eat
dinner with that woman.
And I hope Grandpa
doesn't marry her.
Marilyn... I keep telling
her to put the phone back.
[Gasps]
Teenagers. Hmph!
Drafty old house.
[Growls]
Now, you stay out
there and be a nice kitty.
And drink all
your milk! [Growls]
[Fingers Drumming]
[Finger Drumming Continues]
Herman, can't you be
quiet? You'll wake the dead!
You know, Lily, this house
is very strange tonight.
It's also very
noisy, thanks to you.
Well, if a man can't have a sandwich
in his own house... [Chuckles]
If a man would eat his dinner
when he was supposed to.
I don't like to eat
with strangers. Ohh.
One sweet, little stranger, who is
about to become a member of the family...
whether you like it or not.
That's right. Ignore my opinion.
Make me feel
unwanted, like an intruder.
If you're an intruder, then you'd
better find someplace else to sleep,
because this room is
reserved for my husband! Well!
If that's the way
you feel about it,
I'll just go downstairs
and sleep on the sofa.
Why should I have to spend
the night on a short, lumpy sofa?
I'll use the guest room.
[Sighs]
[Sighs]
[Phone Rings]
- [Screams]
- [Screams]
[Screaming Continues]
[Screaming]
Herman, what have
you done? Not a thing!
[Banging] Oh, I'll get it.
Lydia's gone! What did you
say to her? I didn't say a word.
She just looked at me,
screamed and ran out.
Let me go! [Sobbing]
Oh, good evening, miss. We
wanted to let you know we got her,
- and she confessed to everything.
- Got her?
Mrs. Gardner!
"Mrs. Gardner"? Ha!
"Black Widow" Gardner.
Your Grandpa wasn't the first man
she tried to marry just to get his dough.
[Cop ♪ ] We picked up her
accomplice, and he said she was here.
Just as we drove up, she
came busting out of the house.
- You mean she's
some kind of a swindler?
- The queen of them all.
You know, your grandfather's the only
one she hasn't managed to do away with.
I thought all that sweetness
was too good to be true.
You know, I hate
to tell you this, miss,
but she thinks you've got
a monster in that house.
A monster? Oh,
that's ridiculous.
- There's nobody in here but my family.
- That's what we figured.
She's just trying to build up an
insanity plea to make it easy for herself.
Well, good night, miss.
Come on, Mrs. Gardner.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I couldn't face him again.
[Lydia Muttering, Indistinct]
Good night! And thank you!
Did that policeman say that-that
Lydia was trying to k*ll me?
I'm sorry, Grandpa, but she
was the notorious "Black Widow."
See? I told you. You
can't be too careful.
When you think of some
of the people running
around loose in the
world today... Ha...
It's frightening.