01x12 - The Sleeping Cutie

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Munsters". Aired: September 24, 1964 – May 12, 1966.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


1313 Mockingbird Lane revolves around a family of monsters.
Post Reply

01x12 - The Sleeping Cutie

Post by bunniefuu »

[Sputtering]

Gr-Grandpa, I won't stand
for it! It's a terrible thing to do.

It's downright m*rder!

Herman, I know it
could be a disaster,

but I think we ought to let Grandpa
go through with his experiment.

Herman, I just wanna fill
your gas t*nk with water.

But it's crazy trying to turn
water into gasoline with a pill.

Uh, uh... You'll ruin
my beautiful car.

Herman, why don't we humor him?

Last time we did, he
invented athlete's foot.

Oh. I forgot about that.

Uh, uh... Go ahead, Grandpa.

And now for my
"instant gasoline" pill.

[Liquid Gurgling]

- What's it doing?
- Never mind that, Herman.

Just get in and start 'er up.

Grandpa, it'll never
work. [Chuckles]

Oh, Herman, don't be
such a doubting Thomas.

[Engine Starts]

[Engine Revving]
[Tires Screeching]

Grandpa, you're a genius.

Naturally. [Vehicle Approaching]

- [Tires Screeching]
- [Engine Shuts Off]

[Laughing]

Grandpa, I drove all the way
around the block. [Laughing]

[Laughing] What kept you?

Grandpa?

You're not writing crank
letters to "Dear Abby" again?

No, of course not.

I'm sending a sample of
my “instant gasoline" pill...

to the Reliable Oil Company.

Ho ho! Boy, when
they buy my invention,

we'll all be millionaires.

Well, we could certainly
use some money.

I'd like to carpet the
dungeon in wall-to-wall moss...

and get some new
lightning rods for the house.

I think you're
being very selfish.

You should stop thinking of yourself
and share your invention with mankind.

I am gonna share it, - .

They get the pill.
I get the money.

- Now, really.
- [Lily] Oh, Marilyn.

Oh, my. Those circles
under your eyes...

How lovely you look today.

Well, I wish I felt
as well as I look.

I just haven't been able to
sleep for the last two nights.

Have you tried hanging from the
rafters with your head down like I do?

I'd like to, Grandpa,

but I just don't seem
to have the toes for it.

Well, I'll go down to the lab
later, and I'll mix you up something.

Um, uh, all right,
but be careful.

I don't trust those homemade
remedies of yours. [Scoffs]

The last time, you invented a
medicine for which there was no disease.

I'm not kidding, Mr. Hadley.
According to the old gentleman's letter,

he's found a way to
turn water into gasoline.

I know you're not
kidding, d*ck, but that's

one of the oldest
wheezes in the oil business.

Sir, look. I'll drop this
pill into this pan of water.

Now, smell it.

[Sniffing] Sure, it smells
like gasoline. A lot of them do.

But that's as far as it goes.

Now, don't waste
your time with him.

He's just an old crackpot.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

[expl*si*n]

W-W-Well, don't
just stand there.

Like I said, go get that old genius
signed up. [Object Clattering]

[Laughing, Coughing]

Let me see. Two parts
monassium contabinate.

Two parts?

Now, Herman, please. I'm working
on my "instant gasoline" formula.

Boy. If Louis Pasteur had had
you looking over his shoulder,

I'm sure he never would
have invented rabies.

Uh, uh... You could use
some advice from me. [Scoffs]

I hung around labs
long before I was born.

Hi, Grandpa.

You haven't come across a
cure for insomnia, have you?

No. I'm sorry. I've been
busy working on my gas pill.

Are you still having trouble
getting to sleep, dear?

I didn't sleep a
wink last night.

I'll tell you what, Marilyn.

Now you just sit
right down here,

and I'll put you to sleep
with my hypnotism.

I'm very good at that, you know.

Now you just concentrate
on my watch, all right?

Now look at the
watch and concentrate.

Abracadabra, hop toad pie,

look your grandpa in the eye.

When your grandpa
counts to three,


fast asleep you're going to be.

One, two, three!

[Crash]

Oh, well. There's a
wise guy in every crowd.

Don't worry, Marilyn. I'll
mix you a sleeping potion.

Now, let me see.
Where are the recipes?

Grandpa, it's a telegram
from the oil company.

They're sending a man tomorrow
to discuss your invention with you.

Tomorrow. That's fine.

I'll have a batch of my “instant
gasoline" pills ready by then.

But what about my
insomnia? Don't worry, Marilyn.

I'll make you a sleeping
potion at the same time.

Grandpa, are you sure you know
what you're doing? Now, Lily, please.

Don't tell a mad scientist
how to run his business.

Herman? Herman, you get up.

[Murmuring] I wish you
wouldn't take naps down here.

You know I like to
keep a neat dungeon.

Uh, yes, dear.

[Electricity Humming]

[expl*si*n]

[Groans] Grandpa
and his experiments!

Why couldn't I have had
a normal father-in-law...

who goes to church at
night and plays bingo?

Oh, calm down, Herman. So he
blows up the house once in a while.

He just wants to feel needed.

Besides, he has to get
those gasoline pills made,

and he has to find a
sleeping potion for Marilyn.

Oh, Marilyn, dear.
Why are you up so late?

I just can't get to sleep.

I'm going to see if Grandpa's
made me the sleeping potion yet.

I'm just dead on my feet.

Isn't everybody?

Ah! This is the thing
I've been looking for.

Grandpa. [Glass
Shatters]
[Moans]

Marilyn! Don't ever do that.

You'll scare me
right out of my skin,

and you know how hard
it is to get back into it.

I'm sorry, Grandpa, but I've
got to have that sleeping potion.

Oh, don't worry.
I've got it all ready.

♪♪ [Humming] Let me see...

Aha! Here it is. No,
no. That's not it either.

[Muttering] No,
no. Ah! Here it is.

[Chuckling] I'll put
a head on it for you.

♪♪ [Humming]

Heh. Bottoms up.

Courage.

Thank you, Grandpa,
but I don't feel a thing.

I'm still as wide awake as...

♪♪ [Humming]

[Murmurs]

Nighty-night.

[Sighs]

Good morning, Lily.
Good morning, dear.

Oh, my. You look positively
green around the gills.

Oh, thank you.

Good morning, Mom.
Good morning, Pop.

Good morning, Eddie.
Good morning, family.

Good morning. Good
morning, Grandpa.

Uh, say, has
Marilyn come up yet?

No, no. She's
asleep in the lab still.

Eddie, you'd better go
down and wake her up.

She'll be late for class. Okay.

Oh, he's such a good boy.

Yes, but I wish he'd
learn to be neater.

I keep telling him
over and over again...

not to leave these empty pet food
cans around after he's fed Spot.

He leaves them
all over the place.

[Can Clatters]

Grandpa, how's the
gasoline pill going?

The man from the oil
company's coming today.

I got a little sidetracked making
a sleeping potion for Marilyn,

but I'll have those
pills ready in time.

[Herman] You know, Grandpa, your
invention may revolutionize motoring.


Instead of gasoline, we may all need
credit cards to buy water. [Laughing]

Mom! Dad! Marilyn won't wake up.

What? I shook her,
but she just lies there.

Oh, dear!

[Grandpa] Hurry.

[Clapping]

Well, Grandpa, just don't
stand there. Do something.

That's it, all right.
What do you mean?

Well, I... got a
little confused.

I must have given her the
Sleeping Beauty potion by mistake.

Oh! That means
she'll sleep forever.

No, no. The spell can be broken.

To wake this sleeping beauty,
you must remember this.

To break the spell of slumber, a
prince her lips must kiss. [Kisses]

[Pounding] Oh, my.
That's the front door.

Grandpa, you'd better
do something fast.

But, Grandpa, wh-wh-where are we ever gonna
get a handsome prince to kiss Marilyn?

Oh, where are we gonna get
a handsome prince, period?

[Door Creaking] [Wind Blowing]

Mrs. Munster?

Yes?

I'm, uh... I'm the
Reliable Oil Company.

I-I mean I'm from the
Reliable Oil Company,

and-and I have some business
I'd like to discuss with your father.

Oh, I'm sorry, but he's
terribly busy right now.

Could you come back later? You see,
it's a family problem, a domestic crisis.

Oh, couldn't I just speak
to him for a minute?

[Sighs] I'm terribly sorry, but
it's out of the question right now.

You come back later, all right?

I have to get back to the
dungeon. Yes, of course.

"The dungeon"?

[Tsks]

If you'd just keep your
files straight, Grandpa,

this never would have happened.

You're right, Herman. I've
done a terrible thing to Marilyn.

You shouldn't have
kept that stupid Sleeping

Beauty formula
around in the first place.

It's too dangerous. I'll
get rid of it right now.

Good. Where is it?

Oh. Ha ha. There it is.

Oh. I'll take care
of this right now.

[Chuckles] Good riddance.

Then what's this? Oh, this?

Oh, no! This is the
Sleeping Beauty formula.

Then, uh, then what... I b*rned
the formula for instant gasoline.

Grandpa, you are the
world's oldest goofball.

Domestic crisis? Why,
d*ck, boy, they're just stalling.

What kind of domestic
crisis? I don't know exactly, sir.

It's kind of strange over there...
That-that house and everything.

Well, all these
geniuses are a little odd.

Why would they
want to stall me off?

They probably want to get some offers
from some of the other oil companies.

And play one bid off
against the other. Exactly.

And that means
we've got to act fast.

d*ck, I want you to get back there,
get that slippery old fox signed up.

I don't care what you go
through. Just sign him up.

Yes, sir. d*ck.

If you come back
with that contract,

it means a vice presidency.

A vice presidency? Yes, sir.

And remember, d*ck,
the honor and integrity...

of the Reliable Oil
Company is at stake.

So get that contract
by hook or crook!

Yes, sir.

[Croaking] Nah!
Duds, every one of 'em.

Not a prince in the
whole bunch. [Scoffs]

[Frogs Croaking]

[Sighs] Hmm!

They just don't make frogs the
way they used to in Transylvania.

Grandpa! You and your
old-world methods. Hah!

Lily and I are going about
it the modern, sensible way.

Oh. And, uh, what is the "modern,
sensible way" to find the prince?

Look in the Yellow Pages?

No. We put an ad in
the newspaper. Oh.

Uh, listen to this.

"Wanted: Genuine prince.

"Must be young and
handsome. White steed optional.

"Temporary employment.

Fringe benefits."
[Scoffing Laugh] Bah!

You won't even
get frogs with that.

[Lily] I'm afraid you’re
wrong, Grandpa.


Eddie says there are already two
applicants upstairs who answered the ad.

I'm going to interview
them. Oh, and, Herman,

when we're ready for the kissing,
I'll call you to bring Marilyn up.

Hah!

What are they putting on here?

Uh, I don't know.

My agent sent me over. Said
they advertised for a prince.

Goodness, Newmar, these
off-Broadway theaters...

get creepier and
further out all the time.


- Gentlemen.
- Well, whatever they're doing,
they're already in rehearsal.

It's so nice of you to come.

Uh, I understand you're
lookin' for a prince.

Yes. Uh, just exactly
what is it we're to do?

Are you familiar with the
story of Sleeping Beauty?

Sleeping Beau... Oh,
yes. A delightful fable.

Oh, I was in the Beckett
adaptation at Royal Beach.

It's nice to be versatile.

But the prince I'm looking for
will have to give an authentic kiss.

Uh, what's the motivation?
What's the salary?

You gonna have tryouts?

Tryouts? Yeah.

You know, test the both of us
and decide which of us is best.

Oh, that's a splendid idea.

Herman? We're ready.

Man, this is certainly a
fascinating theater you got here.

This isn't a theater.
This is our home.

Your home?

[Footsteps Thumping]
Newmar. Look!

They're the rudest pair I've
ever seen. [Object Clattering]

Lily, I'll bet you forgot to warn
them about Marilyn's looks.

Oh, I did forget.

Oh, dear. I love her so much... I
keep forgetting about her handicap.

Poor dear. Hmm.

Well, thank goodness she has us
to stand between her and the world.

[Wind Blowing]
[Shutters Clattering]

[Creature Snarling]

Back, Spot, back. Bad boy.

Oh, it's you. He must have
thought you were the new milkman.

Doesn't he like milkmen?

Oh, he loved the last one. He
kept burying him in the backyard.

Very playful. Oh, yes.

[Stammering] Mrs. Munster, I
have some pressing business...

which I simply must discuss
"father" with your "further."

I mean, further with
your-your father.

Perhaps you remember
me. Yes, and I'm awfully sorry,

but Father is still
too busy to see you.

But, Mrs. Munster, I-I am
with the Reliable Oil Company,

and I can match or better any deal you
may have been offered by the competition.

I am sure you're what
you say, but I'm sorry.

He just hasn't got
the time to see you.

Today is one of those days when
just everything seems to go wrong.

If you'd only give me a chance. I
just keep telling you, young man...

Is this... Is this S-S-Spot?

Good heavens, no.
Spot's an animal.

This is my husband.
Uh, how do you do?

Hello. Herman, why
did you invite him in?

I just explained to the young
man that Father can't see him.

Now, Lily, of course
he can see Mr. Prince.

Herman, I... "Prince"?

Won't you come in? Please.

Please, Mr. Prince. [Chuckling]

That's right.
Mr. Richard A. Prince.

Oh, at last our prince has come.

Then you really have
royal blood in your veins?

Oh, yes. I... Thank you.

I understand that's how
we got the family name.

Of course, it was
a long time ago.

Well, as they say, old
blood is always the best.

[Chokes] Yes,
uh... Oh, thank you.

You know... No. No, thanks.

You're all being so nice to me, I-I
can't help thinking there's a catch to it.

It's almost as though I were... as though
I were being fattened up for something.

Is-Isn't that
silly? [Snickering]

[Both Laughing]

Oh, what a sense of humor.

Well, d*ck, my boy, I'm ready to
do business with your company.

Uh, but, uh, Grandpa,

didn't you b-u-r-n
the you know what?

Herman, please.
Let me handle this.

I have the forms right
here, sir. Eh, not so fast.

There's just one little thing.
Oh, if it's a matter of money...

No, no, no, no. It's
not a matter of money.

You see, it's-it's a
matter of tradition.

Now, you see, we're from the Old
Country, and we have a family custom...

that, before we
discuss a business deal,

the party of the second
part... that's you... [Chuckles]

must kiss the youngest
member of the family.

Oh.

You mean I have to... kiss him?

What we mean is the youngest
female member of the family.

Oh. She's down in the dungeon.

The... dungeon.

Tell me, which, uh... Which side
of the family does she... resemble?

No. No, no, no. Don't tell me.

Mr. Prince, I have
to be frank with you.

Poor Marilyn is...
Well, to put it bluntly...

Less attractive than
the rest of the family.

You might say she's
the ugly duckling.


And-And you want me to kiss her?

Well, you can close your eyes.

Come on. And then
we talk business.

Then we talk business.

[Trapdoor Creaking]

- [Squeaking]
- Igor, now mind your manners.

I told you, no snacks
between meals.


Uh, Mr. Prince,

I'd like you to meet my niece.

This is the ugly duckling?

Wonderful! Now we can
go up and discuss the deal.


What... What deal is that?

[Herman Murmuring]

Uh... Uh, Mr.-Mr. Prince?

Uh... [Stammering] Mr. Prince?

Uh, Mr. Prince.

Now, sir, about our deal.

Grandpa, tell him.

Well, uh... [Clears Throat]

d*ck, my boy, there's a little
something that you ought to know.

The Reliable Oil Company is prepared
to pay the sum of $ , to you...

to keep your product
off the market.

You see, it's like this... Did
you say keep it off the market?

Yes, of course. We
certainly have no

intention of giving up
the gasoline business.

All you have to do is keep
your formula off the market.

Oh, I think that can be arranged. What
was that last sum that you just mentioned?

$ , . Grandpa. Yes? What?

Uh, he'll sign the contracts,
but we can't take the money.

Can't take the money?
No, of course not.

Not after what he's done for
our poor unfortunate little girl.

Besides, the big
dummy burnt the formula.

Allow me.

Bats!

Well, that's... That's more than
generous of you, sir. I-I must say.

And now if the, uh, "poor
unfortunate little girl" has no objections,

I'd like to take her
out to celebrate.

Well, I can't make the
excuse of being too sleepy.

I'd love to.

Good night, Mrs. Munster,
Mr. Munster. Good night, sir.

Say, kids, uh, uh... You can
have the car, but, uh, remember.

Have it back before : ,
or it'll turn into a pumpkin.

Thank you, sir.

[Sighs] Oh, Herman.

You're so sweet and
thoughtful. [Door Closes]

When they made you,
they broke the mold.

That doctor always
was a butterfingers.

[Laughing]
Post Reply