[Man] Now, this is what we sent them: "Out
of , subscribers to our magazine,
our research computers have selected
you as the average American family."
We've repeated that:
"Average American family.
"You'll receive $ , ,
and our magazine
will do a full picture
story on your family.
Details to follow." Who'd
the wire go to, Mr. Morgan?
We sent it to "Mr. and
Mrs. Herman Munster,
Mockingbird Lane."
Isn't it wonderful,
Herman? They say we
Munsters fit the
average family statistics...
almost to a "T."
It's quite an honor for
our family to be chosen,
and that $ , prize
will come in handy too.
And it's going to be a cover
story. Can't you just see it?
Our picture in homes
all over the country.
Why, with your good looks and my handsome
features, I'm sure we'll be a smash.
[Shatters]
[Chuckles] Well, now.
According to the second telegram,
a photographer and a reporter will
arrive tomorrow to spend the weekend.
Oh, good. That'll give me time to
hang my new drapes in the guest room.
We want to put on a
good front for these people.
- I'm gonna get my best suit down
and take it down to be pressed.
- Good idea.
- Oh, and while you're there,
have your head blocked.
- Yes, dear.
Oh, and Marilyn, why don't you
go down to the beauty parlor...
and get fixed up.
Ooh, you might get them to
give you a vulture egg shampoo.
Yes, Aunt Lily, I will. Good.
Dad? Yes, Eddie?
I'll comb the
snarls out of Spotty.
And, uh, Grandpa, what are you gonna
do to get ready for this happy event?
What am I going to do? I'm gonna get
out of here. That's what I'm going to do.
Grandpa!
Grandpa, don't you
realize what an honor it is
to be selected the
"Average American Family"?
Think what it'll do for our
standing in the community...
and how Eddie's playmates
will all begin to notice him.
Honor? Why, it's an insult to the
family name to be called average.
I happen to be a genuine
count, with the blood
of princes and dukes
flowing in my veins.
Grandpa, that was
in the Old Country.
Here in America, no one
cares about royal blood.
Spoilsports!
Well, when that reporter
and photographer get here,
I for one am making myself scarce,
and I'm just the one who can do it.
[Coughs, Grumbles]
This ruins everything. We
were chosen by statistics.
We have to show two children, a
pet, an aged grandfather and a bird.
- [Caws] Who? Me?
- Not you, stupid. I mean Igor.
I feel just awful about
Grandpa acting this way.
I could just lie
down and die... Ohh.
Again.
Grandpa, I wanna talk to you.
Herman, you can talk
yourself green in the face.
I will have nothing to do with being
part of an average American family.
It may be the way you're made,
but it is not the way I'm made.
Grandpa, give me one good
reason why you're against it.
Well, think what this kind of
publicity would do to my life story.
Why, if everybody knows me as
the typical old grandpa next door,
who will believe the fantastic
life that I've written about?
Grandpa, when those reporters
show up, I insist you be here.
I won't! I won't! I won't! If you
make me, I'll turn into a bone...
and bury myself in the backyard.
Last time you did that,
the neighbors' dog dug you
up, and we had a terrible
time getting you back.
I don't care. I won't be here.
When those men show up, you are
not leaving the house, you understand?
All right. I promise I
won't leave the house.
Good. Don't worry, Herman.
I won't leave the house. But as
we used to say in Transylvania,
there's more than
one way to skin a bat.
[Igor Squeaking]
All right. All right.
Why is everybody
around here so sensitive?
You're booked on the morning
flight, and don't forget, fellas:
We want real coverage and
depth on this average family.
Togetherness and heart
in words and pictures.
I think we oughta play it for
laughs, satirize the whole thing.
You're all wrong,
as usual, Chip.
This is right up my alley. All heart,
these people... my kind of people.
I don't care how you
handle it. Just bring me
back a story and
pictures... plenty of pictures.
And for once, see if you
two can agree on something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll get great pictures.
"Mr. Munster polishing his car.
This fascinating sh*t was taken...
at a great personal risk in a
cockpit of a speeding power mower."
Look. Stop playing the big-sh*t w*r
correspondent, will ya? The boss is right.
These are real people...
down-to-earth, heartland stuff.
- Why, I might even
get a Pulitzer Prize out of this.
- Why don't you knock it off, Len?
You sound like Chester Morris
on the late, late, late show.
Grandpa? Uh, Grandpa?
Oh, Grandpa?
I can't imagine where he is. He knows
the reporters are coming this afternoon.
I guess he's gone somewhere, but
the question is when'll he come back?
[Cawing] Nevermore.
Will you stay out of this?
Uncle Herman, I think he's
trying to tell us something.
[Caws]
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Average,
Igor and I have flown the coop.
Sorry we can't be there for
the picture-taking. Grandpa."
[Grumbles] And he promised
me he wouldn't leave the house.
Why, when those men show up and
find that one of our statistics is missing,
he's liable to call
the whole deal off.
Now we'll lose the prize money.
Oh, and we were so looking forward
to that vacation cruise on the Dead Sea.
Fiddlesticks!
[Crash] Now, Herman!
Listen. The people from the
magazine won't be here for a while.
Maybe you can find Grandpa
before they get here. Yes.
And I know all his haunts.
Now, when those men
come here, Marilyn, you show
them to their room and
make some excuse for us.
Don't worry about a thing. You
just go out and find Grandpa.
Right. We'll check all the
places where he hangs out.
Come... Come, Lily.
Don't tell me this is it.
Well, the place where we rented
the car said this was the street.
There's the number: .
House Beautiful it ain't.
I've seen direct hits that
looked better than this.
Let's go see if Ma and
Pa Kettle are home.
[Wind Whistling] [Wolf Howling]
[Door Knocker Banging] Hey,
Chip, let's call the home office.
Something's wrong here. I don't
see anything very average about this.
Neither do I. Miss Munster?
I'm Marilyn Munster. You must
be the men from Event Magazine.
Yes. Right, right. Chip
Johnson. Lennie Bates.
Words. Pictures. How you doin'?
Won't you come in,
please? Thank you.
Are you in a hurry to start
taking pictures? Oh, no.
No need to get down to business so soon.
Good. Then I'll show you to your room.
I suppose you're wondering
where the rest of the family is.
Frankly, it hadn't even entered
my head. Well, they'll be back soon.
"Be back soon." What a doll!
Maybe Grandpa got hungry.
Sometimes he comes here to grab a bite.
You wait here. I'll
see if he's in there.
[All Screaming]
Was Grandpa in there?
No. The place is empty.
They must serve terrible
food. Well, let's keep looking.
Grandpa goes down here once
in a while to enjoy the damp earth.
I'll see if he's down there.
Grandpa? Oh, Grandpa?
[Man's Voice] He ain't here.
Okay. Okay.
S'all right? S'all right.
Grandpa sometimes comes
here to feed the wolves.
I tell you, Mr. Morgan.
This place is weird.
I think we oughta call it off.
Research must have goofed this one.
Nonsense. Our computers are
never wrong. They're infallible.
Why, they picked my
last three wives for me.
All right. So... So the
place is a little run-down.
I mean, what do you... what do you
expect the average family to live in?
Huh? The Taj Mahal?
Hey. We met the niece. She's a doll. Now,
the rest of the family's gotta be great.
[Chip] Well, you don't get
candy apples off a lemon tree.
Look, you boys come back here
with a story, and check it all out.
Make sure that family
satisfies our computer to a "T."
I want pets, kids and grandfather.
One thing wrong, and it's off.
And keep Lennie off
the you-know-what.
Now, don't worry. Lennie doesn't
have a pint of the you-know-what on him.
- Everything is under control.
- Mr. Bates, your room is ready.
But really under control.
[Engine Idling]
Well, we've checked all
of Grandpa's hangouts.
Where could he be?
I think we should've
looked for him out at
Rose Lawn Memorial Park.
Lily, that's miles
as the hearse drives.
Well, he often goes out there to
pick up a flower for his buttonhole.
All right. We'll just have to start
looking for him again early in the morning.
It'll mean good-bye to $ , if we
can't produce him for those pictures.
How could a man who's
years old act so childish?
Now, where could he be?
[Squeaking]
[Grandpa] Well, Igor,
I promised I wouldn't leave
the house, and I didn't. [Cackles]
We'll just hang around up here until
those men from the magazine have gone.
[Squeaking] Shh. Will you
be quiet, Igor? They'll hear us.
Just play dead.
So, your folks
collect antiques, huh?
Antiques fascinate
me. Tell me more.
Maybe you'd like to see
some of them? Yes. Yes.
Especially if they're stuck
away in some dark corner.
Well, on second thought,
it's getting a little late.
I wonder what's keeping your partner.
Oh, he has to unpack all those cameras.
[Creaking]
It certainly is a
marvelous antique.
What's it called?
"Early San Quentin"?
[Lennie] Chip! Oh, there's
the reprieve from the governor.
Well, don't go away,
doll. I'll be right back.
Well, I think I'll say good night
now, but I'll see you in the morning.
Okay.
[Low Chuckle] Good night.
What do you want? I was
just beginning to soften her up.
Chip, there's something awfully
wrong here. A man got onto this thing...
and then turned into a
suit of armor. [Heavy Clank]
I suppose the next thing you're
gonna tell me is you saw little men.
Well, I was afraid to mention it
before, but when we first came in,
I did see one run across the hall...
And then later, he ran up the stairs.
My boy, you need
a good night's rest.
It's discouraging, Herman.
Grandpa is just nowhere around.
I know. How many places are there in a town
like this where a man can bury himself?
When I think of losing that $ , , it
makes me so mad I could blow my top!
Well, don't do that, dear.
It's always so messy.
What are you doin'
with the binoculars?
No, thank you. Now,
put that away, will you?
No wonder you've been seeing little
men. Now, come on. Let's go to bed.
We don't wanna look
like a couple of weirdos
when we meet the
rest of the family, hmm?
Put it away. [Pats Back]
[Yawning]
Chip. Chip. Chip,
wake up. Huh? Huh?
What's the matter? What's the
matter? There's a monster in the hall.
Lennie, ya big dope, will you stay out
of the binoculars? I saw it; I swear it!
He's about seven
foot tall, and his head is
bolted to his neck, and
he's wearing a nightshirt.
I saw it. Come on. I swear. I
swear. Come on. All right! All right!
Let go.
[Lennie] Isn't it awful?
It's frightening.
But it was there!
I'm gonna take
you to a psychiatrist.
Chip, I swear it. I
saw it. I swear I saw it.
If you weren't dreaming, what were
you doing at the door in the first place?
I was going to get a
glass of water. Well, the
big, bad bogeyman's
gone. Go get your water.
Eddie, are you in bed?
[Eddie] Yes, but I
can't stay awake.
You'll be able to. Just lie
there with your eyes open, dear.
[Muttering, Indistinct]
I'm getting out of here.
Now, look here. What do you
wanna do? Get us both fired?
I'll tell ya what I'll do.
Wait a minute. I'll tell you what I'll do.
We'll go through the whole house together.
[Grumbling] No. I'll
prove to you that there's
nothing here but a gorgeous
creature named Marilyn...
and her harmless,
average American family.
Okay? I'll be with
you every minute.
Okay. Come on.
Gee, you certainly go
through an awful lot, Lily,
to make yourself
beautiful just to go to bed.
Anything for you, pussycat.
[Door Opening, Closing]
Did you hear that?
Hmm? It's downstairs.
Oh. Good.
- It's burglars. Herman,
you go down and have a look.
- Do I have to?
Of course! Go down
and scare them off!
Me? Scare them off? How?
Herman.
All right. Just a moment.
Oh, will you hurry? All right.
Just let me see if it's loaded.
Come on! I'm going. I'm going.
[Chip] It's a little far out, but you
don't see any monsters, do you?
[Lennie] So far. I'm
sure I heard footsteps.
Let's look in there.
[Chip] You see, there's nothing
unusual in here, right? Hey, look.
Aww. Nice kitty.
[Roars]
Careful. Looks like
an electric chair.
Let's get out of here.
It might be plugged in.
Well, you gotta admit we didn't find
anything, right? [Footsteps Approaching]
Hmm. I guess you're right.
[Footsteps Grow
Louder] What's that?
It's just our own
footsteps, ya dope.
Our own footsteps, huh? Then
how come they're still walkin'?
We'll look back together.
Shh. See, ya big dope?
You got me doin' it now.
It's just your imagination.
- [Lily Screams]
- [Both Scream]
- Help! Grandpa!
- [Men Muttering, Screaming]
It's me, Chip.
- [Screams]
- Herman!
- No! Not Grandpa! The burglars!
- [Herman Muttering]
[Gasps]
It's me!
Ohh. Ohh.
[Both Screaming]
Aunt Lily, Uncle
Herman, what happened?
There were burglars in the house, dear. We
just chased them off. [Car Zooming A way]
Burglars? Those were the
two men from Event Magazine.
Oh, bats! There goes
our $ , , Herman.
Well, I guess there's
only one thing to do.
Oh, darn. I forgot. [Laughing]
[Lennie On Phone] But,
boss, they are monsters.
Yeah, yeah. I saw
them. It was horrible.
Look. You boys have been at
that binocular case too much.
Now, you get back there and
get that picture, or you're both fired!
Well, you heard the
man. Back we go.
[Lennie] Four lenses
cracked before I got
it. I finally used the
strongest one we had,
the one for elephant stampedes.
It's magnificent. Hmm? What?
Look, we have shown the average
American family celebrating New Year's,
Christmas, Mother's Day, the Fourth
of July and Susan B. Anthony's birthday,
but this is the first time
we have ever shown the
average American family
celebrating Halloween.
Boys, you are brilliant. Send
a check to the Munsters...
and pick up a $ ,
bonus from the cashier.
And congratulations. [Chortles]
[Lily] Isn't it a beautiful
picture, Herman?
Mm. Yeah, but...
But look what it says here:
"America's Average Family
Celebrates Halloween."
Halloween? What are
they talking about? This
is the way we look
every day of the year.
Yeah, on Halloween, we put on
masks and try to frighten people.
Wait a minute. It's a mistake.
They switched headlines.
Here's the Halloween
picture: "The Pierpont
van Schuylers in their
latest family portrait."
Why, that's the weirdest bunch
of trick-or-treaters I ever saw.
How could a magazine like
that make such a mistake?
Say, Herman, you think
maybe we could sue them?
Oh... Oh, my
goodness, no. I think we
should just be good
sports and laugh it off.
- Laugh it off?
- Why, sure, Lily.
We're not just the plain old
Munsters anymore, you know.
We're the average
American family,
and I think we owe it to our
country to keep our sense of humor.