01x01 - Heat

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Kaamelott". Aired: January 3, 2005 –; October 31, 2009.*
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Camelot's King Arthur and his knights seek the Holy Grail.
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01x01 - Heat

Post by bunniefuu »

Well, I'm gonna go get
a hare for tonight

'cause I'm feeling peckish.

I wonder how
you do it.

I'd be incapable of
finding food in the forest.

To catch beasts, you need
to imitate the females.

For example, here:
the female hare.

- The doe.
- Uh?

A female hare
is called a doe.

Oh, me, I only know the call.

(bird sounds)

Pa pa pa pa pa pa!

(bird sounds)

Pa pa pa pa pa!
(coos)

- Do you see them?
- No!

Well, facing that way,
obviously, I don't see much either!

Stick your head out!

"Stick my head out"? To catch
an arrow with it? No thanks!

We can't hear anything,
maybe they cleared off.

"Maybe"?
Well, to get out of this,

we're gonna need a bit more
than a "maybe"! (horse neighs)

Those fuckers are still here!

We can't just stand
there like radishes.

If another group arrives from there,
we're getting owned from both sides.

What if we tried the
human shield trick?

What trick?

For example, Sire, Leodagan and I
pretend you're our hostage,

we stick a dagger on your neck and
go through the enemy camp screaming

"don't move, don't move,
or the King gets it!"

(sighs)

Eh! What are our chances if we charge?

Charge where?

Ahead, right in their faces. We don't
even know how many they are.

Yeah, but there's three of us.
Well... two and a half.

So if there's ten of
them, we're toast!

We could throw rocks
it that direction,

so they think we're there,
and then we run the other way!

Oh please, get lost with
your lame combat tricks.

No, no, no,
you'll see!

BOTH: No! No!
Not there!

f*ck, right in his face!

Are you completely witless?!

Now you're telling me
they think we're over there?!

No but now we need
to run the other way!

Well of course!
Especially if they saw

where the rock came from,
they'll be coming right at us!

Yeah, but we move out!

And when they get here,
they're screwed, no one's here!

Wait, I'll send them
somewhere else!

sh*t, I don't have any
more rocks, what do we do?

Hang on, I'll give yours back!

Eeeh! I almost got hit!

We could set the forest
on fire to force them out.

No! It's like when
scorpions k*ll themselves

'cause they're
surrounded by fire.


We need to encircle
them in a fire ring,

so they k*ll themselves,
meanwhile we turn around

and throw rocks the other
way to confuse them!

No?

We can't sit here
like this, I'll go insane!

Come on,
let's charge, f*ck it.

In an hour night will fall,
we'll have other options!

At least they'll have
to light their torches,

we'll see where they are.

Or, we dig a tunnel
to our camp,

Leodagan and I dig,

while you throw rocks
the other way

to keep them away from the site.
(horse snorts)

Shhh! Those fuckers are right next to us!

sh*t! If they heard
my plan it's toast!

- Shut up!
- Don't move. (whistles)

Stop it, for god's sake!

We're gonna get k*lled!

Forest animals!
(barks)

(barks)
Wait !

(barks)

(yelps)

Oh no... Stop it!
They'll notice us! Oh, f*ck.

Stop it right now!

We build a dam,

then we throw rocks to
the other side of the river

so the others think we crossed.

As soon as they get to the middle

we f*ck up the dam
and drown them.

- That's very ingenious!
- Yeah.

Only problem,
we spend four weeks

building a f*cking dam,
it sucks to destroy it.

Or something we could do:
we imitate a deer...

(bird sounds)

Pa pa pa pa pa!
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