01x03 - The Chatterer

[bunniefuu]

In the animal kingdom...

...when a young primate
is without its mother...

...a neighboring matriarch
will often assume responsibility.

What's this?

Are you kidding?
Again with the no pudding.

- This is absurd.
- Who made you that lunch?

The thing is,
Dad was pretty territorial himself.

- I don't know, George. One of the moms?
- Which mom?

Sheila? Was it Sheila Shay?

Okay, look,
sometimes Sheila makes me lunch...

...and it's usually pretty good.
She's a magician with the chicken salad.

A magician? Really?

She's been crapping out on the pudding,
and I'm not sure how to broach it.

- It's weird that she makes you lunch.
- You wanted to move here, not me.

- I leave you lunch money every day.
- Almost every day.

You forgot twice last week.
But it's not a big deal.

On the days you forget,
I either go surrogate brown bag...

...or I withdraw cash from the college fund
that Sheila started in my name.

- I mean, you're kidding?
- It's a very robust account.

Throws off a lot of interest.

It wasn't just the college fund
that was bothering Dad.

Thank you, George.

The neighborhood thanks you.

- Ha, ha.
- It was Sheila Shay.

You missed a spot.

She said she was just being neighborly.

But it was pretty obvious
she was trying to co-parent...

...one capful at a time.

Get your bag. I'm driving you to school.

- Are you sure? Because Sheila offered.
- Get your bag.

Let's get involved, moms.
Without the P, we're just T and A.

Hey, step it up, Karen.
All hands on deck.

- What deck?
- Oh, George.

Hey. I'm just doing
a little PTA recruitment.

We lost JoAnn Junebach.
She was the one who was arrested...

- ...for giving her daughter Botox.
- She gave her daughter Botox?

JoAnn lost custody, and after that,
she really fell apart.

I'm sure.
I imagine losing your daughter...

No, I'm talking about her daughter.
Without the Botox, she fell apart.

Heh. Fifteen going on 50.
I swear, the saddest thing.

She got these.

- And then she got these.
- Tessa. All good on lunch?

- All good on lunch.
- Oh. All good on lunch, Sheila.

- Bye, honey. Ahem.
- Bye.

Look, I really appreciate the gesture,
but you don't need to do that any more.

I've got it covered. You can stop.

- It's my sincere pleasure, George.
- No, I don't think you understand.

What I'm saying is, I want you to stop.

I understand, but I'm not gonna stop.

- Bye, Mom.
- See, as president of the PTA...

- ...I see all the children as my own.
- I said, bye.

That's why each and every one of them
gets my undivided attention.

- I'm going to class.
- You're going to class. Congratulations.

- I'll see you at pickup, honey.
- Maybe I should join the PTA.

Sounds like a fun way for a hands-on
parent such as myself to get involved.

Heh, you in the PTA? God, no.

Are you telling me
I cannot join the PTA?

No, I'm telling you
you shall not join the PTA.

- I can't?
- You shan't.

Oh, but I shall, Sheila.

The thing is, I shall.

My, this is getting
downright Elizabethan.

The school hallway
can be a hostile environment.

I decided to take a cue from the
giant mudskipper of Borneo and burrow...

...in the girls' room.

Tessa? Can I come in?

- What are you doing in the girls' room?
- I could ask you the same thing.

Tessa, your third period is an elective.

I know. I elect to read. In the bathroom.

There are many enriching electives
to choose from.

Day trading.

Flatironing.

- Drama.
- Because I said...

...that I was into him,
and you both went for him anyway.

- We didn't go for him, Kimantha.
- He went for us, Kimantha.

Kaitlyn, Kenzie,
you skanks are real whores.

You're a whore.

- You're a whore.
- You're a whore.

Yeah, I'd like to avoid
dealing with the KKK.

You're a whore.
- Kenzie, Kaitlyn and Kimantha.

You're both whores, okay?

Tessa, I'm stumped.

What kind of elective
are you interested in?

Do you have anything unpopular
and poorly supervised?

School newspaper,
but you don't want that.

Don't I?

Located in the basement,
The Chatswin Chronicle...

...was the perfect place
to fly below radar.

- Hello?
- Hello.

Hey. I'm Tessa.

I signed up for the school newspaper
as an elective or whatever.

I don't know what you're expecting,
but you need to lower your expectations.

I think we're good. I expect nothing.

No one reads The Chatswin Chronicle.

They line the hamster cage
with it in the science lab.

They clean up vomit with it.

I'm told they use three copies to steady
a table leg in the teachers' lounge.

- I think that hurts the most.
- So if no one reads it...

...why do you publish it?

Um, because I believe?

That's why I dedicate all my free time
to the paper.

Uh, except Wednesday nights.

- What's Wednesday nights?
- The Medium fan club meets...

...to re-enact scenes
from the TV show Medium.

If the school paper
wasn't already unpopular...

...this kid's name on the masthead
wasn't gonna help.

Ladies,
I would like to introduce everyone...

...to our newest
and only member with a member...

- Ha, ha.
- ... George Altman.

Okay. Well, I promise not to hold
my membership against you.

Can we settle, please?
Can we focus up and settle?

Can I have all eyes up here, please,
and settle?

First order of business. Ah.

Has Tessa Altman
had all of her sh*ts?

Is she up to date
on her immunizations?

You're kidding me.

Heh. Well, we know
that you tend to be a little busy.

Okay, you know what?

I may not mother
the way you mothers mother...

...but I am a caring
and responsible parent.

I happen to be a working parent,
in case you've never met one.

- Hello. How do you do?
- How do you do?

And working parents
sometimes forget things.

And sometimes they run late. But that is
because we are juggling more than you.

Oh...

- George...
- How dare you?

We work very hard.

With all due respect,
the PTA is not a job, it's a club.

- Ah!
- Certain club members...

...need to realize that life
isn't all lemon bars and lemonade.

Although these are top-notch.

Also, the lemonade is very good.

- You are out of order, George.
- What's the matter, Sheila?

Not enjoying my unsolicited opinions...

- ...and overbearing presence?
- That's it. I am gaveling you.

- You are being gaveled.
- You're gaveling me?

Maybe it's time somebody gaveled you.

The PTA has not been this exciting since
Connie Kushell had her psychotic break.

- Ooh, which one's Connie?
- Right here.

- So you're gonna drop out, right?
- No.

If I quit the PTA now, Sheila wins.

I don't understand it.
Women usually like me.

George?
Cucumber-infused washcloth?

- I'm fine.
- Yeah, you are.

Seriously, though, man,
what do you think I should do?

Well, if I were you, I'd ask her out.

- What? Sheila?
- No.

Jocelyn, the washcloth girl.
Man, what is wrong with you?

You are so obsessed with MILFs
that you don't even notice the ILFs.

Malik needed some honest feedback.

And, honestly, The Chatswin Chronicle...

...was as lame as the way
he spent Wednesday nights.

And I see you spent a full page here
on the cafeteria menu.

I broke "no more fish tacos" a full week...

- ...before the announcement.
- Cool.

And still no one reads
The Chatswin Chronicle.

"Chronicle" is not even a word.

It is a word.

"Chronicle" sounds like something
on the side of a boat.

- You mean "barnacle"?
- Maybe we should change the name.

- It's obviously confusing some people.
- Yeah, and also it's boring.

But, you guys, seriously,
you know who has fat knees?

Hannah McCleary. And it's weird
because the rest of her is thin.

Malik, that's the kind of stuff
these people care about.

- Not word jumbles.
- But it's a newspaper.

Well, it was news to me
when I saw her fat knees.

Don't you see? The reason these kids
aren't reading your paper...

...is because most of them are gossipy,
superficial, mean-spirited materialists.

Like Dalia.

Yeah. And you know what else?

I heard Terry Garsen
from boys' lacrosse...

...lost his virginity to Stacy Unger
from cheer.

- And I know for a fact she has cellulite.
- There you have it.

You're saying if I want people
to read my paper...

...trash the kids we go to school with?

And I understand
why you might not wanna...

I'm in.

Since I was forced
to take an elective, I elected to help.

We can call it
The Chatswin Chatterer.

Chatterer" is not a word.

I mean, it is.

One oh four.

George! Oh, I'll be right back, hon.
George!

- George, hey.
- Hey.

I'm glad I caught you.

I wanna talk to you about something
that may be none of my business...

...but also kind of is.

You need to drop out of the PTA.

What? Why?

Today's meeting was a total disaster,
in case you didn't notice.

You offended just about every one
of those women.

- Yeah? Well, they offended me.
- Individually, they're harmless.

But when they work together,
they can be a real bitch.

I'm not gonna just disappear
because Sheila doesn't like me.

George, these women are pack animals.

Hey, Beth.

And, like it or not, you're never
gonna be a part of their pack.

That's fine, but I'm not quitting
Those women are judging me.

I have as much right to be there
as they do.

I suspect Sheila is gonna do everything
in her power to make you feel otherwise.

Oh, oh, really? Well, let me assure you
of one thing, Dallas.

In the fight between Sheila Shay
and George Altman...

...it's gonna be Altman.

Can't take those towels off the property.

The next day,
The Chatswin Chatterer debuted as a hit.

Students expressed their excitement
with the ultimate sign of approval:

Speaking in acronyms.

OMG. LMAO.

OMG, IMHO, this is Photo-shopped.

OMG, did you see Page 4?

BRB.

OMG, WTI.

- BTL? HHIS.
- STBY.

It's like a whole new take
on the word jumble.

Malik went from being the kid
people wanted out of the way...

...to the kid people got out of the way of.

Sheila.

Great party.

I can't believe he had the nerve
to show up.

Okay. Plan B. Let's go.

- Ladies, tonight, we are united as moms.
- Hear, hear.

And as moms, we all know
the stress that carrying a child...

...can place on our chi
and on our chichi.

So tonight's activity is a workout...

...which will do wonders
for your self-esteem and incontinence.

Ah.

Yeah.

Whoo!

Bet you feel like disappearing
right about now.

Pop. Ah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Huh? Huh? Huh?

- What is she doing?
- Morning routine?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I tried, you guys.
But this isn't me. I'm not sexy.

Oh, Deena Doogan,
don't you dare say that.

You are so sexy. Isn't she, everybody?

Yeah.
- Thanks, guys, but it's really not true.

My husband and I have not been intimate
in almost a decade.

I cook, I clean, I do everything,
but he still doesn't want me.

It's because you do everything for him.

That's the problem.

Men need to be needed.

Your husband feels...

- Emasculated?
- Definitely.

- Marginalized?
- No question.

- Impotent?
- I'm not a doctor.

But, look, if you want him to want you...

...just let him come to the rescue
every now and then.

- That's all I'm saying.
- This is ridiculous.

Are you moms gonna sit here
and take advice about men from a man?

George may not have been
mom enough for Sheila...

...but at that moment,
Sheila wasn't man enough for the mom.

Hi. I have a question about my husband.

- Me too.
- Me too.

We're not done talking about my situation.

One at a time, ladies. Don't grab.

So wait. You joined the PTA...

...so you could put
a self-righteous mom in her place...

...and now you are the head
of the self-righteous moms?

What's up, Rhonda?

OMG, she looks 50.

No, no, no.
We have Garage-a-Palooza.

- Garage-a-Palooza?
- It's a garage sale.

You sound crazy.

Why don't you bring
a nice top to change into?

Uh, how about the pink one?

George wasn't the only one
who was changing.

I hardly recognized Malik any more.

It wasn't just because
of the Godfather hat.

You coming to the pep rally?

- Kenzie's gonna do a back handspring.
- Wouldn't miss it.

I felt responsible.
I had totally upset the ecosystem.

Hi, Tessa.

Hi, Tessa.
I made you a Rice Krispie treat.

Can you hold on to that?
I'm about to go pee.

Amberly saved you the good stall.

I longed for the days when I could
hide out in the handicap stall unnoticed.

Is this a bad time?

I just got a tip on a story from Dalia,
and it's banay-nay.

Lisa Shay, she's a thumb-sucker.

Dalia said she goes to nonfiction
during study hall to do it.

Oh, my God.

- What was Dalia doing in nonfiction?
- Who cares?

- Front page of The Chatterer, b*tches.
- Malik, we can't run this story.

- It's messed up.
- Everything we publish is.

That was your idea. And now
the paper's a huge hit. Banay-nay.

- Why do you keep saying that?
- It's my new catchphrase.

- I hate it.
- Well, I could try "banizz-nas" instead.

Stick with "banay-nay."

Okay, first order of business.
Uh, Rhonda.

My husband says he doesn't
wanna go out because he's tired.

But then he spends the whole night
awake watching ESPN.

Ah. He means he's tired
of doing what you wanna do.

In the past, have you tried
engaging in hobbies that he enjoys?

Mm-hm, I've tried,
but I don't like Internet p*rn.

George? Teacher Appreciation Day is on
Monday, and we still haven't decided...

...on how we plan to show our gratitude
to the faculty.

I think we should do it
by saying thank you.

- With?
- Our mouths.

- And also?
- Hand gestures?

Individual rose bouquets.

Of course, individual rose bouquets.

Um, now, in the past, Sheila has harvested
the rose bouquets from her garden.

- Perfect.
- Uh, Sheila's no longer with us.

Right. Okay.
So who wants to do the rose bouquets?

- Nobody? Okay, fine. I'll do them.
- Um, but you're doing the refreshments.

I'll do the refreshments
and the rose bouquets.

But you still need to finish my skylight.

George was quickly learning that life
with the mothers could be a real mother.

Malik was drunk with power.

It was time for him to sober up.

Media mogul...

...or medium?

- What?
- Oh, just something I'm working on.

- I thought we were friends.
- I thought we were too.

I also thought we were friends
with Lisa Shay.

Why did you think we were friends
with Lisa Shay?

- I live across the street from her.
- Guess what. I don't.

Look what's happened to you.
You used to have journalistic integrity.

I mean, you were the reporter...

...who broke "no more fish tacos."
Now you're going to rallies with the KKK.

- The KKK?
- Kenzie, Kaitlyn and Kimantha.

Old Malik never would've hung out
with those girls.

Old Malik never would've been
invited to hang out.

- I like the new Malik. He's balling.
- I like the old because he wasn't balling.

He was just a nice guy. I think.

Honestly, I hadn't spent that much time
with the old Malik.

- But I wanted to.
- Really? You wanted to?

Finished last week's word jumble.
Says I get a free milk.

Thanks.

Hey, just, um, a heads-up.

Some people care
about The Chatswin Chronicle.

They started a petition to get it back.

Only have two signatures so far...

...and they're both mine.

We're expecting a few more.

Lisa's petition
got two more signatures that day.

It turned out those were the only two
she needed.

And with The Chatswin Chronicle
restored...

...it was time to focus my efforts on Dad.

We're out of juice.

And we've been out of juice
for like a week.

He'd stopped hunting and gathering.

Sorry, honey. It's this PTA thing.
It's consuming all of my time.

And all of our bread, apparently,
because we are out of that too.

Oh. Us moms had this duck charity thing
down at the pond.

The baby mallards are beyond cute.

We are spiraling out of control here.
You're talking about baby ducks...

.and spending all your time
with middle-aged women.

What?

Don't you think it's time
you hung up those mom jeans...

- ...and went back to being a dad?
- These aren't mom jeans.

I got them at the garage sale.

Yeah, but whose garage sale, George?
Whose garage sale?

Rhonda's.
I got them at Rhonda's garage...

I'm wearing Rhonda's jeans.

Here's your gavel back.

- I beg your pardon?
- I'm sorry, Sheila.

You were right. The PTA's not for me.
So go on. Please.

I'm not sure I want it, George.
I have rather been enjoying my free time.

Been working on my suntan.
I have read The Lovely Bones.

Why, just yesterday,
I tried black-cherry soda.

Oh, that is a delicious flavor of soda.

But, seriously, Sheila, I can't give
these women what they need.

- You have to come back.
- I don't have it in me.

Not any more.

Fine.

Well, I hope, at the very least...

...you'll attend our PTA picnic
at Redmond Field.

Redmond Field?
That's right next to the petrol station.

- Think of the fumes.
- See, that's just the thing.

Sheila, I didn't think of the fumes.

- Ugh.
- You did.

You always think of the fumes.

Visit adjourned.

Oh, and, George,
you wear the hell out of those jeans.

I'm leaving for work in 5.

You want me to pack you a lunch,
or are you gonna buy something?

Ah, says here the special
is beef Stroganoff.

I know. I helped break that story.

Wow, Princeton's gonna
be really impressed.

Mm.

I'm not going to college.

Yeah, you are.

No, seriously, I decided I'm not going.