01x08 - Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Stupid, stupid tradition.

Oh, look at us,
we're partnering a turkey.

And if he can get in a
privy on Thanksgiving,

why can't I?

Why can't I, Malia?

(Clatters)

(President Obama)
You are hereby pardoned.

(Tessa) Thanksgiving is
a time for tradition,

and moving to Chatswin meant
the end of ours.

Every year, George and I used
to go to Central Park to watch

the floats get blown up
for the parade.

Then we'd go
to our favorite coffee shop

for turkey burgers

and black-and-white
milk shakes.

Try and order a black-and-white
in Chatswin,

and you'd just get the white.
(Doorbell rings)

(George) Tessa, you got it?

Yeah.

Gobble, gobble.

You're a grown man.

Good morrow, child.
Where be your pa?

Uh, I think he's
on the can. Who are you?

Why, Jasper the pilgrim.

Child, the family of Royce
awaits thine R.S.V.P.

To their bountiful
Thanksgiving feast.

You guys forgot to R.S.V.P.

Oh! Right. The Dallas thing.
We'll be there.

"Joyous news!" As our
forefathers might proclaim.

Really?
Well, you're a mean girl

with an unkind heart
who has no holiday cheer.

Thanksgiving at the Royces'.
Gonna be fun.

Define fun.

Noah's family's
gonna be there.

You should call
"Webster's."

You wouldn't believe
how far apart you guys are.

Look, I know you're bummed we're
not doing our old tradition,

but we're making
a new tradition.

Do you even own a dictionary?
Traditions aren't new.

That's what makes them...
Traditions.

Besides, I know you're just
trying to keep us apart.

- Keep who apart?
- Manhattan and me.

You're afraid.
If I see her again,

the old feelings might come
rushing back.

(Chuckles) Oh, yes.
I know how serious you two are,

and I miss her, too,
but we are with the suburbs now,

and if she catches us
looking at other cities...

She might cut off
your cul-de-sac?

(Chuckles) And you know
I'm pretty attached

to my cul-de-sac.

You're gross.

You're gross.

(Woman) ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ da-da-da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪

(Rattles)

Hey, neighbor.

Gobble, gobble.

Don't you hate it when people
say "gobble, gobble"?

It makes me want to k*ll them...

And then eat them.

On Thanksgiving day,
half a dozen members

of the Shay family
will descend upon our house

to eat with their mouth open

and dispense
unsolicited advice...

Most of which will be
about my hair.

Gobble, gobble.

You should see
this dress that my mother's

trying to make me wear.
It's frickin' amish.

Maybe you should move to Europe
when you're older.

They don't have
Thanksgiving in Europe.

Like my mother would ever
let me move to Europe.

She's convinced all Belgians
are sex offenders.

Wait. What if you just
tell your mom

you're not wearing
the dress?

(Doorbell rings)

(Dog yapping)

Yakult! No!
Come here, girl.

(Dallas) Get down, Yakult.
Get down. No, stop it.

Hey. I-I didn't know
you had a dog.

Well, she's new. I just got
her from the breeder.

She's a snicker-doodle.

I-I think that's a cookie.

Oh. Okay, maybe she's
a schnitzel-doodle.

Anywho, she's some kind
of doodle, aren't ya, Yakult?

(High-pitched voice)
Aren't you, good girl?

Yakult? Is that Hebrew?

(Chuckles) No, silly.

She's named after
my favorite probiotic drink.

Oh. Okay.
I-I need to ask you a favor.

I'm up
for this really big job.

- Oh, congrats, George.
- Well, hold on.

There's still one final hoop
I need to jump through.

In fact,
I really gotta get going.

Well, don't let me
keep you.

N-no, no, Dallas.
The reason I stopped by is

because Tessa's
a little bummed out

about being in Chatswin
this time of year...

Ohh.

And I thought maybe if you were
doing something fun today,

she could tag along.

Oh, my gosh. Yes. I'm always
doing something fun.

Even when I'm not doing
anything fun,

it's usually still
pretty fun. I'm your girl.

You really are.

(Kisses)

My goodness, Yakult.
Did you hear that?

Lisa Marie Shay.

All the girl cousins
are wearing the dress.

All the girl cousins
but one.

Make life easy.
Wear the dress.

What about the family photo
for Nana?

If you're not wearing the dress,
we may as well take a photo

of a bunch of godless,
sex-crazed Belgians.

I'm sure Nana
would love that.

This is just like
when she wanted

to stop using conditioner.

I broke four combs
on that head of hair!

I remember. Uh, combs don't
grow on trees, Lisa.

Fred, is that another bowl
of cereal?! It is 11:00 A.M.!

(Clinks)

Lisa, if you want to be
a party pooper,

you can go poop
in your room,

and if you miss
Thanksgiving tomorrow,

you have no one to blame
but yourself.

Fine.

(Sighs) This is a perfectly
handsome calico dress.

(Door closes)

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

Don't condescend to me.
(Sighs)

Lisa had been banished
to her room.

Meanwhile, I was about
to be subjected

to a different kind of t*rture
entirely.

Tessa, I know you pride yourself
on being unkempt,

but I think you would look hot
with a Brazilian.

Beg pardon?

A Brazilian blowout...

Super straight hair,
real smooth, polished,

instead of that little
kink-pile you got going,

and trust me, honey,
it'll make you feel better.

Why would flat hair
make me feel better?

Tessa, there are
certain secrets in life

that only a woman can teach you,
and one of them is,

when you look better,
you feel better.

Oh! And another one is...
(Packaging rustles)

You can still get bugles
on the Internet. (Crunches)

Yeah, I don't care about
either of those two things.

Oh, come on.
We can do it side by side.

Sit right there,
and we can both get blown.

No.

Pretty please
with a $100 bill on top.

Not even on my dead body.

Oh, no. That kind of hair is
all wrong for a dead body.

You'd want an updo
or a loose braid or a side pony.

Tessa,
I'll make you a deal.

You blow out your hair with me
for Thanksgiving,

and I will take you
absolutely anywhere

you want to go
for lunch today.

♪

Anywhere?

(Agesandages'
"Alright you restless" playing)

(Turns stereo volume up)

I never should have
said anywhere.

♪ Alright, you restless,
arise ♪

♪ and make believe
it isn't dangerous ♪

So here's the sitch.

As you may or may not know, I'm
a professional party planner,

so my mom put me in charge

of professionally planning
this party.

(Yakult yapping)
Oh, my God.

Shut up, Yakult!
I hate you!

(Yaps)

Now I'm sure we all remember
that last year sucked.

I'm talking about
clumpy-ass mashed potatoes

and pale, flaccid
string beans, Alan.

You'd better come correct,
or I swear to God,

you're gonna get served.

Happy Thanksgiving, pumpkin.
Gobble, gobble.

Hey, dad. Gobble, gobble.
Long time no see.

All right. Uh-oh. Shoes.
(Clatters)

Did you forget we have a no-shoe
policy here in the house?

Yeah, we don't do that
when you're not here.

Why? I thought you were
daddy's girl, huh?

(Shoes clatter)
Should I return

the cashmere horse blanket
I got for your horse cashmere?

No, n...

Daddy, you know cashmere
loves cashmere.

I know.

Don't listen to your mother.
Listen to me, okay?

'Kay.

(Whispering) Okay.
I'm gonna nap.

Call me if anyone calls me.

All right. Go on. Okay.

(Yaps and growls)

Who are you?

(Horns honking)

I promised George I'd get you
excited about Chatswin,

and what do I do?
I bring you into the city.

I mean, why does George
even have to know?

This can just be
our little secret.

(Gasps) Oh, my gosh.

Gucci’s just layin'
on the sidewalk.

I like that one.

15.

15? 15 what?

Dollars.

They're counterfeit.

(Gasps)
Can we have two secrets?

Yes, we can.

Ohh, I will take...
Ooh, I'll take the Chanel...

Chanel. And the Prada and
that... and that Gucci.

And the Gucci. (Grunts)

This is gonna be fun.

This is already fun.
(Gasps) Oh, my gosh! Sunglasses.

(Clicking)

How many potatoes
do we need?

It's your family, Fred.
You tell me.

Well, they do love
their potatoes. (Chuckles)

Lisa's not wearing
the dress?

That's T.B.D.

It is not T.B.D. It is "D."
She is wearing the dress.

'Cause if she's not wearing
the dress,

I'm not wearing the vest.

You happy, Fred?
It's anarchy.

Okay, let's not get
hysterical.

Why don't we say we just focus
on the potatoes, all right?

You wanna boil 'em,
or you wanna nuke 'em?

I want to nuke 'em.

All right.

What are you doing?

The only thing I can do, Fred.
I am turning up the heat.

Why?

Why? Because heat rises.

I've got less than 24 hours
to get her into that dress,

so it's no more
Mrs. Nice Guy.

Well, you know, I haven't
seen Mrs. Nice Guy

since the honeymoon.

(Chuckles) Stop.
(Chuckles)

(Both laughing)

Stop it. Ohh.
Come on. Stop it.

I said, "stop it," Fred!

Sorry.

I'll take it.

What?

I love it. I want it.
I have to have it.

I'll take it.
Where do we pay?

It's not for sale.
It belongs to the museum.

Honey, everything has
a price.

But seriously,
it's not for sale.

We'll see.

So now we don't sit down?

No, we don't sit down,
'cause we have places to go.

And yet we don't hail
a cab?

No, we don't hail a cab.

As we walk,
we fold, drip, and bite.

Oh, that's just filthy.

(Splats)

Is that part of it?

(Splat)

(Car alarm blaring,
horns honking)

(Indistinct conversations)

That lying son of a...

(Horn blaring)

(Horn stops blaring)

(Both) Bitch.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe George has been
cheating on the suburbs with Manhattan.

I can't believe that woman.

She looked downright
Puerto Rican.

How old do you suppose
she was?

He lied to me.

And what kind of handbag
was she carrying?

(Chuckles) 'Cause I certainly
didn't recognize it.

He said he was going
to work.

Looked like
some sort of tote,

like some kind
of pledge drive freebie.

He's busted.
George is so busted.

Now, Tessa, you may as well
just forget you saw any of that,

'cause you and I weren't
supposed to be in the city,

so technically, we didn't
see anything, right?

Right?

(Sighs)

(Knock on door)

Go away, mother.

(Lowered voice)
Dude, it's me.

What do you want?

I just want to say that
what you're doing is cool.

It's really cool. Here.

It's like
when I saw Ace Ventura

in that super confusing
"spotless sunshine" movie

that had the "Titanic" lady
with the midsized naturals.

Well, the movie
pretty much sucked,

but I respected Ace Ventura
for taking a risk,

and that's what
you're doing.

You are taking a risk!

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey. If you're not gonna
finish that, can I have it?

It's the last one,
and it's super hot in here.

Sure.

(Sighs)

(Gulping)

Ahh.

(Inhales deeply and sighs)
Thanks.

You're welcome.

(Door opens and closes)

Thanksgiving day in Chatswin,

and I couldn't help
but wonder what other secrets

George had been keeping
from me,

if that was even his name.

Your hair looks nice.
Is it different?

Yes, it is.
It's very different.

Yuri.

- What?
- What?

Okay, look, I know why
you're mad,

and I'm... I'm sorry we missed
out on the balloons, but...

I'm not mad about the balloons.
I'm mad about the hypocrisy.

Well, you know, they've got
the casinos now,

so it may just be a band-aid,
but it's a start.

(Doorbell rings)

(Gasps, singsong voice)
Gobble, gobble.

Gobble, gobble, Sheila.

(Kisses)
Oh, thanks for having us.

Whew. Is it a million degrees
in here or what?

(Chuckles)
You're menopausal, Trish.

(Lowered voice)
Oh, I wouldn't bring that up.

Not a good idea.

I know what it is, Gary.
You don't have to remind me.

(Chuckles) It's menopause,
not Alzheimer's.

Here we go. (Normal voice)
Yes. Hi. (Chuckles)

Gobble, gobble, Gary.

Gobble, gobble, Fred.
(Fred and Trish chuckle)

Gobble, gobble, Trish.
Okay.

(Chuckles) Is this
the Thanksgiving day parade

or what?
Aren't they adorable, Fred?

Tiny little pilgrim angels.
(Chuckles)

Where's Lisa?
Where's Lisa?

Lisa...
Lisa's basting.

She is basting.

(Yapping)

Welcome to
the Royce family Thanksgiving.

Oh, my God. Drop dead, Yakult!
I wish you were never born!

Oh! There are the Werners.
Hey, Jill. What is she wearing?

Look at all that purple.
She looks like a skinny grape.

Park 'em car. (Chuckles)

Noah, stop it. I'm gonna ask you
not to adjust the seats.

All right, you be careful
in those high heels, gorgeous.

Gobble, gobble. (Chuckles)
Gobble, gobble.

Founders or feathers?

You're a r*cist.

Oh, she's...

Hey. Hi. Can I talk to you
for a second?

Certainly. Out here, shoes on,
or inside, shoes off?

Uh, out, on, okay?

You got a dog
without asking me?

Well, you got a new girlfriend
without asking me.

What? (Chuckles)
What are you talking about?

Oh, Google image search it,
Steven.

- I may be old-fashioned...
- Old-fashioned?

You got... (Lowered voice)
Your teenage daughter an I.U.D.

(Lowered voice) That was
to increase her cell reception,

and I told you that.

She now has full signal, Steven.
Full signal!

All right. You know what?
(Sighs)

Oh, my g...
Yakult, are you kidding me?

This is why we don't wear
shoes in the house!

Come on, y... don't. Don't.

Don't. I like you.

It's okay.

(Door creaks)

Sheila's attempt to smoke Lisa
out of her room was working,

and once
Lisa's internal temperature

reached the triple digits,
she couldn't take it anymore.

Ohh.

Oh.

(Latch clicks)

(Horror film theme playing)

(Glass clinks)

Friends, family, Steven...
Yakult!

That's a $400 loafer,
Yakult!

First off, I'd like to wish
each and every one of you

a hearty...
(Singsongy) Gobble, gobble!

(All) Gobble, gobble.

(Chuckles)
(Clinks)

Sorry. That's too loud.

So I just want to thank
everybody for coming

to this great meal that, uh,
my wife commissioned

and my daughter
professionally planned

and somebody cooked.
(Chuckles)

I just, uh,
I don't know who cooked it.

Sit, Steven.

Now before we begin,
I think we should go

around the table
so that each of us can

articulate just what it is
we're most thankful for.

Noah?

Oh. Um...
(Clears throat)

Well, uh, at the top
of my list, as always,

is my beautiful wife Jill,
without whom...

Wrap it up, Noah.

She keeps me humble,
so...

Thankful. I'm thankful
that I don't have to dress

like a prost*tute to attract
the attention of my husband.

She looks good in wool.
(Chuckles)

I'm thankful that I have
my own professional identity

outside of my marriage.

And what would that be?

I'm referring
to my latest guide book,

"Uncorked... the wine counties
of central Pennsylvania."

Self-published.

And beautifully bound.

(Chuckles)
This is a hostess copy.

O-okay, uh, well, I-I know that,
uh, we're all anxious

to get to the turkey,
so I'll be quick. Uh, wow.

There is so much, so much
I'm thankful for this year.

Like the Triborough bridge?

(Whispers)
Tessa! We shook on it.

We know about your
secret Puerto Rican girlfriend!

Please tell me this
is true.

Wait. Have you been
following me?

Tessa, you made me
a promise.

You took my kid
into Manhattan?

You lied to me.

You lied to me?

You lied to me!
You said you were going to work.

I-I was at work.

That does not qualify
as work.

It does if you're doing it right.
(Mouths word) (Dalia smacks table)

God, you guys suck
at Thanksgiving!

(singsongy) Okay.

(Normal voice)
Who's ready for turkey time?

I am, mother.

Is this the dress
you wanted me to wear?

(Cloth rustles)
Aah!

(Gasps) Oh, dear. Ohh.
Whoa.

Ohh!

Oh, well, that's just great.

Lisa ruined Thanksgiving
with her naked body.

Lisa wasn't like this

before the girl
across the street moved in.

She used to be
a good little girl.

Well, as you can see, I'm not
a good little girl anymore.

I'm a grown woman,

so I certainly don't need you
laying out clothes for me.

Nice rack.

Thank you, Meredith.

You'll have a nice rack,
too, one day.

All the Shay women do.
Right, Nana?

Oh, good Lord, Lisa.
Go to your room!

I'm not going to my room.
Don't you see, mother?

You're not calling
the sh*ts anymore. I am.

Where do you think
you're going?!

I don't know!

(Door closes)
Well... (Sighs)

Let's eat. (Chuckles)

♪

(Woman) ♪ everybody get down
like that ♪

♪ everybody get down like that ♪

A little rebellion
is a vital part

of becoming an adult,

unless, of course, the police
get involved. (Sirens wailing)

♪ We are young,
don't tell us how ♪

What am I doing?

♪ Break the rules,
let's tear it down ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

Jeez!

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

(Handle rattling)

(Siren whoops)

(All shouting at once)
Keep testing me, Yakult!

(Dallas) Everybody! Everybody, stop
all the yelling. Keep testing me!

(Barks)
You're upsetting the dog.

- No! No! Get out! Get out!
- Steven, let the dog out!

Actually, Dallas,
all this fighting is

historically accurate.

God, we get it, Jenna!
You go to brown.

That's correct. I go to brown.

Don't patronize
my daughter.

- Don't reprimand mine.
- Well, someone has to.

She's a product
of terrible parenting!

(Gasps) You're the one
who scheduled a C-section

before Jenna was term!

- Ohh.
- Ha.

We had
a nonrefundable cruise booked.

I was born premature so you guys
could go on a cruise?

So... so we could all go
on a cruise as a family.

(Shouting resumes) Hey, sit down.
It's not over. This is not over.

I was up for a job
redesigning a bar.

That's why I started going
back to the city.

How many times?

Tessa...

How many times?

(Sighs) I-I've been out
with her twice.

How many times have you been
back to the city?

Oh. I don't know.
Maybe five, six times.

I thought...

(Chuckles) I thought
we were talking about Zoe.

(Nasal voice) Zoe.

Look, I needed to... to work on
something other than skylights.

You can understand that,
right?

Understand that you feel
creatively unfulfilled?

- Yes. - That you're
hard-pressed to find people

you want to hang out
with here, let alone date?

Yeah, George.
I think I understand.

The rules aren't the same
for us, Tessa. I'm sorry.

Oh, right. I get it.
I'm forced to live

my entire existence in suburbia
with pin-straight hair,

but somehow
you've been pardoned.

I know it's hard to accept

because I've always
given you a say,

but we are not equals.

Sometimes kids have to do things
their parents don't.

(Slaps leg)

And you're not supposed
to always like me.

Mission accomplished.

Maybe it was the spirit
of Thanksgiving,

but somewhere
along the car ride home,

i became the turkey,

and George became
President Barack Obama.

So I looked up
the definition

of "tradition"
in the dictionary.

Turns out you were right.

Is this the Highway?

Holy crap!
What... what are you...

Lisa!

(Pants) Okay, I'm having
a heart att*ck here.

I can't feel my hands,
and my feet are tingling.

Uh... (Chuckles) I see you
decided not to wear the dress

or anything else,
apparently.

Well, being nude is
surprisingly liberating.

Lisa, quickly.

There's a gym bag
on the floor...

Hmm. With sweat stuff in it.
Would you please?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure thing, Mr. Altman.

You went to bard?

Sometimes you have to finish
what you started.

George wasn't going to
relocate us back to Manhattan,

but that didn't mean

he couldn't occasionally
compromise...

If I make coffee,
will you have some?

I'll be up all night.

What if I make decaf?

(Sighs)

Sure.

And sometimes a small gesture
goes a long way.

Well, at least I made good
on the milk shakes.

This better be
one damn good black-and-white.

There's a long, black hair
in mine.

Oh, well, that... that's
probably just Martino's.

Don't worry. You'll be fine.

Oh, he's very healthy.

It won't hurt you.

Mm-hmm. You should be fine.