01x09 - The Nutcracker

[bunniefuu]

There's something so phony
about Christmas in Chatswin.

Everything plastic and
professionally decorated.

There was also something phony
about Dad.

After discovering he had a life
in Manhattan, I had no choice...

...but to give him the ice treatment.

Did we get the best tree at the farm
or what? Fraser fir.

You smell? You smell how fresh
those needles are?

Why do we bother? Aren't you
gonna spend Christmas with Zoe?

Now, I had administered
the ice treatment...

...but never successfully. Until tonight.

You're dumping me? Like now?

No, not dumping. No. Not at all.

But, yes. Now.

Whenever I start to feel something...

Like, whenever I start to feel...

- Okay. It's okay. Don't cry.
- I need a tissue, or a...

- Okay, look. It's not you, it's...
- Are you kidding me?

I swear to God,
if you say HS not you, HS me...

I was going to say, it is not you, it's...
it's Tessa, my daughter.

You know, I uprooted her from New York,
and everything she knows.

- Yeah, so?
- So it's a total double standard...

...if I date a cool city girl like you
when I've confined Tessa to the suburbs.

- But I'm crazy about you, George.
- And I you.

But if I continue seeing you,
I will feel like a bad dad.

Take care now.

Dad, you didn't have to break up
with her because of me.

Oh, Tessa. Eavesdropping, were we?

Was it the ice treatment?

Yes, in fact, it was.
But you know what?

Maybe next time you will think twice
before you ice someone.

- But you really liked Zoe.
- Yes, I did.

But, sometimes, parents sacrifice things
that they like for their children.

If you will excuse me,
I'm going to drink this in my room.

Did he drink it in his room?

I think he did.

Wow, that has everything you want in
a Christmas story. Except a happy ending.

- I can make it up to him.
- You should.

I just need to get him the best gift
any daughter's ever given their father.

How about an eyeglass-repair kit?

Doesn't exactly say,
"Sorry you gave up love for me."

No, but they usually come with cleaning
solution and a lint-free chamois, so...

There's not one good thing on the Internet.
What are you getting your dad?

Nothing. We make our gifts.

- That sounds cool.
- It's not. I want clothes.

Now, the hot heat of the oven hits the...

I felt terrible about Dad's breakup...

...and I was determined
to make it up to him.

- I made you a sandwich.
- What kind of sandwich?

Tuna.

Tuna reminds me of Zoe.

George may have been milking it, but he
was exhibiting the signs of depression.

Well, I should get to class.

Watching the cooking channel...

...and taking an Adult Ed class
in wreath-making.

Wonderful job.

- Lovely.
- What's the deal with the art teacher?

What do you mean "what's the deal?"
There is no deal. She teaches art.

Is she single?

Shh.

Oh, my. What can I say?
They're both so full of beauty.

True, but isn't one filled with a thousand
times more beauty than the other?

No. Not to me. That's like asking what's
more magical, flowers or rainbows.

- Rainbows. Is there any question?
- Aimee?

Uh, when you have a minute.

- Aimee to the rescue.
- Yeah. Heh, heh, heh.

- Okay.
- You know what?

After dating so many crazy Manhattan
women, I really find Aimee refreshing.

- Ginger ale is refreshing.
- You know, I like her positivity.

And her... And her sweetness.
You know, she's sweet.

And she's crafty. She makes things.

- I'm gonna ask her out.
- Slow down, white tiger.

- Yeah.
- Aimee just went through a breakup...

...with the shop teacher.

- She's a little g*n-shy, okay? A little vulnerable.
- Huh.

So don't blow it
by coming on too New York. Pushy.

You're kind of pushy.

But I wouldn't be
if I were trying to date you.

Oh, what a shame, Aimee.

Honestly, I can't imagine you
not having a Christmas tree.

I know. It's my roommates, though.
They're, um, Jehovah's Witnesses.

They're really nice, but a little cliquey.

Anyway, I sure will miss the smell of pine.

- I have the smell of pine.
- What's that?

Uh, I was... I was just saying that
I have a great big, giant tree.

That smells like pine.

Ahem. That I cut down myself.

Wow.

- That wasn't sarcastic?
- Sarcastic? Oh, gosh, no.

And you didn't mean,
"Gosh, no" ironically?

- No. Gosh, heh.
- I'm just checking.

So, what do you say? You wanna swing
by my house, help me trim the tree?

There's, uh, an open house kind of thing,
lot of people, no pressure.

Just a cool hang kind of sitch.

When you put it like that,
it sounds like a blast.

And that was sincere.

Sincerely, I would love to come.

- Great.
- What time should we be there?

- Well...
- I'll bring my Pa Jun.

Heh, heh.

Frankincense. Myrrh. Soap on a rope.

None of these gifts were gonna cut it.

This year, the only thing I could give
George was the thing I had taken away...

...Zoe.

It wasn't you. It was me.

I got blindsided, like Sandra Bullock
in that movie, The Proposal.

I don't know if I can put myself
out there again.

Oh, come on. You look like the kind of
woman who puts herself out there a lot.

I do. Yeah. Heh, I have a big heart.

And this time, I promise
I won't be an obstacle to love.

- Please come to the tree-trimming.
- Oh, Mother Mary, kid. I don't know.

Uh, George misses you.

He's not himself.
I've never seen him like this.

Yeah?

Well, the sex was rocking.

And I do get super horny
around Christmas, heh, heh. Okay, I'm in.

You are gonna be the best gift
lever got him.

So, what's the best way to get there?
Should I MapQuest it or Google Maps?

She would figure it out.

Honey, terrific news.

Looks like those leg presses
are starting to pay off.

- Well, how could they not?
- I'll bet you my thighs, minimum...

...are an inch bigger
than last Christmas.

- No way I'm taking that bet.
- That's a smart lady.

George.

- Ahh.
- Hey.

- Oh, George, I was just thinking about you.
- Steven let me in.

- I don't think he likes me.
- Oh, don't be silly.

Heh, heh. Well, I wanted to invite you
to a tree-trimming tonight.

- I know it's last minute, but...
- Oh, I would love to be there.

Absolutely. It's only... sh**t.

I'm headed off to go skiing in Aspen.

It's a family tradition. Steven loves
the way he looks in ski pants.

That's too bad. You'll be missed.

Anyway, I guess I'll see you when
you get back. Until then, here you go, heh.

- For me? From you?
- Just something for under your tree.

- I hope you like.
- Oh, George, I'm gonna love.

'Twas the night before Christmas
and I had nailed it.

I had gotten Dad a present too big
to fit under the tree.

In a matter of minutes, Zoe was gonna
walk across our threshold to see...

George all over Ms. Ainsley, the art teacher?

It's terrifying.
I mean, she's so terrified of...

You can't take my coat because
I'm not wearing one.

My mother told me to, but I refused,
since we live right across the street.

It's cold. I ran partway.

Zoe's gonna be here any second
and George is all over Ms. Ainsley.

- Ms. Ainsley? Why?
- He's rebounding. Hard.

- I've been there, sister.
- Okay, so here's the plan.

I need you to wait for Zoe and delay her
while I get rid of Ms. Ainsley.

- That's the plan?
- Yeah.

Let's try it.

I don't have a coat.

Oh, hi.
- Have you tried the Pa Jun?

I don't know who made it, but someone
knows their way around a pancake.

George. I wouldn't interrupt
unless this was super important...

-...but we are out of eggnog.
- What? I just, ugh...

- I just made a batch 10 minutes ago.
- I don't know the specifics.

I just know people are in need of nog.

I'll be right back.

You know, your dad is the nicest parent
at school. And the cutest.

Really?

Uh, at home he's a bit of a slob.
You should see his bathroom.

Some mornings, it's, like, crime scene.

Whoa.

That snow is really coming down.
If I were you, I would leave right now.

Or else...
You might get stranded in a snow bank.

And die.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey, buddy.

Any hits on the mistletoe? No?

- Still early.
- Ha, ha.

- Great bash, Georgie.
- Yeah, yeah.

Didn't realize you knew so many Asians.

- It's like The Joy Luck Club in here.
- I had a hard time scaring up guests.

Most of them are
from this dim sum restaurant.

Do yourself a favor though.
Try the juicy buns.

Mm.

- Hell, yeah.
- Right? Out of this world, Mrs. Yee.

Oh, hey, how's it going
with the art teacher?

Oh, really great. She's so uncomplicated,
you know? In a good way.

I think I finally broke the crazy-woman curse.

- All right.
- I'm sick.

- What?
- Did you have these?

Send everyone home or at least anyone
that looks like they have a weak system.

Like Aimee.

Okay, what's going on, Tess?
Ls that what this is about? Aimee?

I can't talk. I have to puke.

I can't believe all flights are grounded.

I'll be in my room.

My room. So don't follow me, Yakult.

- Maybe it's a sign.
- I'll go call a travel agent.

Mom, call Yakult!

Oh, my gosh, George. You remembered.

She's here. Zoe's here.

Hey, hey.
You have been acting weird all night.

And borderline rude to Aimee.
So, what's going on?

I heard she doesn't support our troops.

I've been trying to get rid of her.

What...?
Because you don't you like Aimee?

I like her fine, I guess.

- It's you who doesn't like her.
- What are you talking about?

You were crushed about your breakup.

- Aimee's your rebound.
- Listen carefully.

I do like Aimee. I'm having this party
so I can spend time with her.

But you like Zoe. You only broke up
with her because of me.

- That... That's not entirely true.
- But you couldn't eat tuna.

You really gotta be in the mood for tuna.

George. Help me understand
what I'm hearing.

The truth is I broke up with Zoe,
not because of you...

...but because she's really, really annoying.

And volatile. And negative.

And a little bit of a slutty lush.

Well, I hope you're in the mood for tuna.

Ahem, hel...
- Merry Christmas, George.

Wha...? Oh. Uh...

I hope George made his bed.

Because it looked like he was gonna
have to lay in it.

- With her.
- Hm. Yeah.

- Or her.
- Uh...

Or, who knows, her.

Uh...

I'm so embarrassed. I thought you
invited me because you liked me.

Hold up, hold up. Please.

- I do like you.
- I thought you like, liked me.

In a different way
than you like the Chinese family.

I like you in a much different way than
I like the dim sum family. The Yees.

So why were you kissing that loud woman?

Oh, well, okay, I know it's poor form
to blame your daughter for things...

...but this time it really is Tessa's fault.

So will you please come back inside?

I drive like once a decade. And last time
was a moped in Jamaica.

Sandals, half-sloshed on piña coladas.

Heh, so, I mean, you can imagine
how freaking terrified I was...

...driving to the middle of nowhere,
face it. You know, at night?

My hand to God, I thought I was dead,
like 10, no 12... Twelve times.

But I did it all for George. I did it all for love.

Aw.

Damn right, "aw." Now someone,
anyone, point me to the drinks.

Two chicks? You must have
been good this year. Or bad.

- Either way, two chicks.
- I have no idea what to do here.

If I tell Zoe the truth, she's going to
make a scene...

...and sweet Aimee
is gonna bolt from the coat room...

- ...like a frightened rabbit.
- George, I'm a dentist.

I'm trained to give people bad news.
It's what I do all day, every day.

I'll talk to Zoe for you. The secret
is in the soothing dentist voice.

- I'm gonna need one thing from you.
- What's that?

- Soft rock.
- I can do that.

You son of a bitch.
What are you doing with my buns?

They looked a little dried out.
I didn't want to embarrass you.

Lisa?

Have you been out here this whole time?

It's freezing.

I was out there waiting for you.
Then your dad and Ms. Ainsley came.

The way the like-likes were flying around,
she could be your new mom.

- My new mom?
- Yeah.

Your brain must have frozen.
I'm gonna make you some hot tea.

Tessa, I had some time to think...

...while I was out there, and it occurred
to me that there's a reason...

...why you feel so guilty about coming
between your dad and Zoe.

- Do you wanna know what the reason is?
- Lemon Zinger sound good?

You know in your heart that you've
come between him and other Zoes.

Not true. George has dated,
and I have known George has dated.

I just haven't necessarily seen it before.

- Oh.
- Tessa, your dad's hot.

Deserves some action.

I'm gonna think over everything
you just said but the last part.

I'm not going to lie.

There's going to be some discomfort.
Even pain.

But then you'll never
have to worry about it again.

Or you could ignore it...

...pretend like everything's good
and healthy.

But then you run the risk of things
decaying further.

Um...

Where's George?

Don't worry. Hey.

We'll bring that smile back.

Donk.

Okay?

Oh, Tessa, can you help me find my capelet?

Okay. But I just wanted to say
I think I overstated the mess...

- ...that George leaves.
- That's good to know.

I'm serious. He's... He's practically tidy.
Never leaves the seat up.

Goes the extra mile and rinses down
his toothpaste clumps in the sink.

I swear. Look. I know the situation's
really complicated.

- Tessa...
- Give it another minute, Ms. Ainsley.

I will get you a glass of milk while you wait.

- Thanks, Noah. You have a real gift.
- Thanks for recognizing it.

I can't believe I thought
I was in love with George.

I mean, you get past the good looks
and he's got nothing.

He is so not my type.

I'm married.

Married?

You creep.

Whenever I start to feel something.
Whenever I start to feel...

Dallas. Hey. I thought you weren't
gonna be able to make it.

Fate had other plans. Plus, they couldn't
de-ice the plane. George.

Thank you for the mittens.

- I can't believe you remembered.
- Remembered?

That story about how my mother used to
make me wear red mittens...

...so they wouldn't get lost in the snow.

Oh, the fact that you remembered
really touched me.

- Oh.
- It almost made me cry, heh.

- Thanks, George. See you New Year's.
- Thank you.

Merry Christmas, guys.
Thanks for coming.

So the red mittens were
kind of a stock present this year.

- Gosh, I'm embarrassed.
- What? No, don't be.

You know what? I think, subconsciously...

...I remembered you telling me
that story and that's...

Oh.

Dallas, are we, uh...?

Uh, aren't we...?

Oh.

Lighten up, George. It's Christmas.

Let me get this right.

You invite me over here
to hang out in some coat closet...

...while you make out
with not one, but two women?

George had a gift. A gift for making
even the sanest women turn crazy.

And good thing I wasn't thirsty.
Because that milk never came!

- Happy holidays,
- Happy holidays,

Damn, Mrs. Yee. You got it going on.

Idiot!

Zoe, please!

- Listen to the sound of my voice.
- You're an idiot!

- Stop throwing snowballs.
- I was a sure thing!

Ow!

Hey.

I'm sorry I told you I broke up
with Zoe because of you.

It was just I didn't want you
to be mad at me any more.

I mean, you're really good
at the ice treatment.

Thanks.

And I guess I shouldn't have
snuck on your computer.

- You should probably password-protect.
- Will do.

Well, I guess we both
learned a valuable lesson.

I'm sorry you don't have a special someone
to share the holidays with.

- What? Are you kidding?
- Yeah, but I'm your kid.

Don't you get sick of it
just being the two of us?

Never.

That said...

...if there were ever to be a third...

...I hope you'd be able to embrace
that person with open arms.

I would.

And vice-versa.

Let's face it, George. I tried to help you...

...but with your track record...

...it's probably gonna be me before it's you.