01x10 - Driving Miss Dalia

[bunniefuu]

Ready, Tess?

I was born ready.

The next few minutes would determine...

...whether I would run free like a
wild coyote with the wind in my fur...

- ...or stay tied to the fence like a rabid...
- Tessa.

- You have a scheduled appointment.
- Sorry.

My last few moments as a pedestrian.

Cocky. Don't get cocky.

Okay. Thank you very much.
Good number.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Hey.

- What are you guys doing here?
- Antiquing.

Dalia's getting her driver's license.
Or so we hope.

Third time's the charm.

You...? Oh, you...?
She failed twice already?

No, no. God, no.
I'm rounding down from six.

These Chatswin test administrators
are T-U-F-F.

They don't let you hit anything.

Tessa Altman, Window 25.

- That's me.
- No, that's me, actually.

Check your mirrors.
Let him see you check your mirrors.

- Why are you assuming it's a he?
- Okay, okay. Fair enough.

But that stereotype exists for a reason,
so you prove them wrong.

Ow!

Prove them wrong.

Okay, here. Uh, uh...

Whoo!

Sorry.

Whoo. Sorry.

Okay.

- It was fun teaching her to drive.
- Oh, my gosh, yes.

I'm quite sure Carmen
feels the same way about teaching Dalia.

Although Carmen really
shouldn't be driving.

For so many reasons.

Dalia Royce, Window 8.

- I think that's me.
- Yeah. Yup. It is.

All right. Go get them, darling.

- Yes.
- Drive or die trying.

Maybe that's bad advice.

After acing my road test,
I decided to fake George out.

Like those Idol contestants...

...who hide the paper
behind their backs...

...even though we totally know
they're going to Hollywood.

- You're going to Hollywood!
- Whoo!

Hell, yes.
- He said I was perfect.

- My parallel parking...
- Mm.

...my three-point turn,
my choice in radio station. Unh.

- College indie?
- Smooth jazz. He was old...

...so I played to the crowd.

- Very smart.
- Mm.

How'd Dalia do?

You're gonna be all right.
Keep your head still.

As expected.

She didn't use the mirrors.
Not even a blinker.

I understand.

No highways. No cell phones.
And you're not allowed to go over 50.

And you're not allowed to act over 50.
Give me the keys.

- I'll call when I want to be picked up.
- You sure you want me to leave you here?

You've been here
for five days in a row.

I can take you to a library or something.

They have a library.
Heh-heh-heh.

I figured since Noah gave me
his guest pass...

...I might as well take advantage of it.

Oh, George was definitely
taking advantage of it.

Hey, George.

Whoo.

Nothing takes it off you
like a good steam, right, Marty?

Marty?

I'm alive.

Mr. Altman?

I'm sorry, this is a little awkward, heh.

It's fine, I'm wearing underwear.

Sorry to inform you
your guest pass has expired.

Well, okay. That's no problem.

Can I just have Noah renew it?

"Can I just have Noah renew it?"

Uh, no, you cannot.
Guest passes are non-renewable.

I'm afraid this is goodbye.

Can I just finish my steam?

- I couldn't just finish my steam?
- Brutal, buddy.

Mind taking a step back?
You're dripping over my gorditas.

Isn't there something you can do?

The guest membership
was temporary.

Had to end sometime. I'm surprised
they let it go on this long.

Why don't you join the club?

Fred, why don't you have another
Arnold Palmer...

- ...and enjoy your own business?
- Don't mind if I do.

Maybe I should join.
Half the business I've done...

...since I moved here
came from contacts here.

- Membership practically pays for itself.
- Ah, I don't know about that, Fred.

So, what do you think, Noah?
Will you sponsor me?

- Ha-ha-ha. Will I?
- Yes. Will you?

Now, don't be crazy.

- So that's a yes?
Heh-heh.

- Is it? I don't know. Ha-ha-ha.
- George?

It goes against all of my best instincts
to tell you this...

...but management says
you can't be in here without clothes on.

- All right. I'm going.
- Yeah.

Not with that robe, you're not.
Sorry. Club rules.

Suddenly, I was at the top
of the food chain.

- I was a driver.
- Heard you passed your driver's test.

Heard you didn't.

Did you get whiplash watching me
surpass you in every way?

Yeah, and also when I ran
into the dog-grooming truck.

Ask her about the ride.

Before the late bell rings.

- Are you guys identical?
- Almost.

Her eyes are more cat
and mine are more almond.

She hates onions and olives
and I only hate onions.

And olives.

- That makes sense.
- Tessa.

- I'd like to commission your services.
- I don't offer any services.

- You drive.
- Yeah.

- But I don't drive you.
- She'll pay you 20 bucks.

- Twenty bucks.
- Fine, I'll double it.

- Fifty bucks.
- Check your math.

Check your attitude, hooker.

Will you drive me or not?

Seventy bucks, okay?
It's important.

I'd never seen Dalia so desperate.
Maybe she needed a ride to rehab.

Or to the ob-gyn. Either way,
she was clearly reaching out for help...

...so I did the only thing I could do.

Make it a hundred. And you buy gas.

Can you break a thousand?

Is that Grover Cleveland?

- Can't you go any faster?
- Not in a school zone.

- What if he leaves?
- He won't leave.

- What time is your appointment?
- I don't have an appointment.

- We're going to see Scott Strauss.
- Who's Scott Strauss?

That's the dumbest question
I've ever heard. "Who's Scott Strauss?"

Scott graduated last year...

...and he's the hottest guy
to walk the earth.

Including Jesus, our pool guy,
who's also super-hot. Pass this man.

- Pass him!
- It's a solid yellow line.

- Like anyone knows what that is.
- You're not even a good backseat driver.

Oh, my God. My mom would k*ll me
if she knew I was back on Scott Strauss.

She paid me a thousand ancient dollars
not to jock him.

And yet you continue to jock.

A lot has happened
since I made that promise.

Scott broke up with Brianna.

She went on a teen tour
and got chlamydia.

Oh, my God. That's it.
That's Scott's house.

- Do you want me to stop?
- No, you loser. Keep going.

Circle the block. Circle the block!

I hate this job.

- Noah. Hey, man.
- George.

- You shouldn't be in here.
- Oh.

Unless it's okay with the patient.

She says it's okay. What's up?

What's going on with my application?
I called.

- They haven't heard from you yet.
- They haven't? That's crazy.

- So you called?
- No.

What's the deal?
Do you not want me to join?

Because I'm getting
a weird vibe from you.

What vibe?
There is no vibe.

Really?
Because last week in the locker room...

...I borrowed your shampoo
and you sh*t me this dirty look.

What? Get out of here.
There is no dirty look.

This face can't make a dirty look. See?

That's as dirty as it gets.

- Heh-heh. So you're okay with me joining?
- Of course.

You should know they're gonna
make you jump through some hoops.

- Okay. How many hoops?
- Mm, there's the application.

Uh, the new-member interview,
they're gonna make you wear a suit.

So two hoops.

Mm.
- Ah.

She's right.
There's also an essay.

Why are we doing this again, Dalia?
We're running low...

Actually, we're fine on gas.
It's a Prius.

Every day, we're circling.

We're circling and circling and circling
until we see him, or you're fired.

Fine, I'm fired.

This isn't how I want to spend
my life anyway. I'm tired. And dizzy.

- And I have driver's itch.
- Look out!

Oh, my God. I hit somebody.

I'm a reckless driver.
I am a brand-new, reckless driver!

Tessa,
you just banged Scott Strauss.

Okay. Stay calm.

Pull over to a safe area.

Exchange insurance information.
Do not assume responsibility.

- And ask him out for me.
- Dalia, I have other problems right now.

You're gonna have along,
blond problem...

...if you don't ask out Scott Strauss.

Fifty more bucks.

- Are you okay?
- Before you say anything...

...I'm not assuming any responsibility.

Don't worry about it.
There's no damage.

Although, maybe we should exchange
information just to be safe.

I have your information.
You're Scott Strauss. You drive an A6.

You used to go out
with this girl named Brianna...

...who went on this teen tour...

Okay. Okay.
You already have my information.

So maybe you should give me yours.

I'm Tessa.
I recently moved here from New York.

I like pad thai
and rear-ending people.

Sorry. Great gas mileage,
but sporadic honking.

So aren't you curious
howl know all that stuff about you?

I figured you were
Facebook stalking me.

Me? Stalk you?

No. Heh. No, no, no.

Dalia Royce is stalking you.
Your next girlfriend.

What makes you think
she's my next girlfriend?

Judging from what I know
about Brianna, she's your type.

- Maybe I have a new type.
- You don't.

Should we pick you up around 8?

- "We"?
- I'm Dalia's driver.

Whew.

I'm not doing underwear.
That's fine, right?

Close the door.

Marty, I was in the process of closing it
as you're telling me to.

If you'd waited half a second...

...the door would have already
been closed. See? There. Look.

- It's closed, Marty.
- Everything okay, George?

Not really, dude.
I'm jumping through hoops.

I bought the suit. I wrote the essay.

The office tells me you haven't
bothered to fill out the sponsor section.

I walk in here, I find you with Marty.

- What's the deal?
- Hey, is this a, uh, privates party?

Look, George, uh, why don't you go
take a cold plunge and calm down, heh?

I'm not allowed in the cold plunge...

- ...and you know that.
- You're not allowed in here...

- ...that didn't stop you.
- If you didn't want to sponsor me...

...why didn't you say so?
I would've asked Fred.

Fred would have been happy to. Right?

I'd have to ask Sheila,
but I suppose so.

And if you're worried about
your precious shampoo, don't be.

I won't borrow it again.
To be 100 percent honest...

...it robbed my hair of body
and stripped it of shine.

It's not about the shampoo, George.

Oh, ho-ho-ho, okay.
Marty, you heard that? Yeah.

It's not about the shampoo,
but it is about something.

He admitted it.
He doesn't want me.

This is why.
You're looking at Marty.

I introduced you to Marty.
I own Marty. This is my Marty.

- Sit down, Marty.
- Okay, I get it.

So you want me in your club,
but you don't want me in your club?

I don't want you in either.

So why don't you do us
all a favor, G-bag?

Grab your Dopp kit and go dig your car
out of self-parking.

You are a pompous baby.

- You say that again.
- Pompous. Baby.

- That's it!
- No. No.

- Oh!
- I've got you now!

Aah! Get off me.

Aah!
- Dr. Werner. Your face!

Now, relax.

Get off me, you goon!

Ow!

I have a 2:00 tee off,
so I'm just gonna head on out of here.

Marty!

So Scott said that
he would go out with Dalia?

- Mm-hm.
- That's weird.

Why? From what I hear,
he's exactly like her.

He is nothing like her.

He just spent the last year
volunteering in Zambia.

He has global awareness.

- Really?
- Yeah.

After he broke up with Brianna...

...he deferred Carnegie Mellon
to help impoverished orphans.

He cooked meals, helped build wells.

He mounted a Zambian production of
Pippin, which I'm told was well-received.

This guy sounds amazing.

Why would he go out with Dalia?
It's such a waste.

He also helped clean up waste.
Another big problem in that country.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Dalia.

I was so busy hearing stories about Scott...

...I forgot I had to pick up
Scott Strauss.

And since George took the Prius,
we had to resort to Plan B.

As in Bentley.

All I could think about as I ran my hands
across the Italian leather steering wheel...

...was not how many children
in Zambia this could feed...

...but how long before I could
afford a whip like this?

Zambia.
Is that like an antidepressant?

Is that the one
that gives you diarrhea?

No, it's not.

We're here.

Look, it was really cool what you did,
setting me up with Scott.

So I just wanted to say...

- Thanks?
- You're welcome. And so am I.

It was the first time I had seen Dalia smile.

She looked so human.

I guess in some strange way,
I was happy that she was happy.

Forgot my wallet.

Oh.

I assume you know the only reason
I went on this date...

...was so I could spend time with you.

- Tessa, this is huge.
- I know.

No, you don't.
You don't understand.

Scott Strauss likes you.

- I know. I told you that.
- The losers are winning.

There's my girl.

- Where's your girl?
- There.

- You.
- So, what...

...like, you guys are, like, friends now?

As Dalia tried to welcome me into
a club I had no intention of joining...

...George was finding that his club
didn't want him as a member.

We're so sorry to deny
your application.

Deny my application?

- Did you read my essay?
- We did.

- But there was a ding.
- A ding?

Somebody dinged you.
Once you've been dinged...

- ...I'm afraid you can't be un-dung.
- Dang.

I... Who dinged me?

You know what? Don't even tell me.
It was Noah Werner, wasn't it?

I'm sorry, Mr. Altman.
All dings are anonymous.

And that is, of course,
to encourage dinging. Heh-heh-heh.

Your application is denied.

Well, George, we gave it our best sh*t.
So close too.

You're going to have to leave
the club now.

I've always wanted to visit Africa.

Was the scenery so beautiful
you couldn't even catch your breath?

Actually, it was kind of like Chatswin.
But with more elephants.

And less cougars?

I don't know. Some of those
older Zulu women were pretty hot.

Honestly, everything was so vivid.

Like, you look up and there's a totally
different moon in the sky.

I wanted to say, "We shouldn't do this."

I wanted to say,
"I know Dalia likes you...

...and even if she and I aren't friends,
it's still wrong."

But all I actually said was:

Wow.

- Congratulations.
- What's this?

What's it look like?
It's a membership card.

- I got you in.
- I thought I couldn't be un-dung.

- Un-dung?
- You dinged me.

I didn't ding you.

Although, I did give you a shiner.
Didn't I?

Hey, don't kid yourself.
That was from Marty.

Why the sudden change of heart?
You don't want me in your club.

What can I say? I'm a child.

All right?
I gave you a toy to play with...

...and then got upset
when you were playing with it.

I'm a flawed person, George
I am. I wanna change. I do.

But I'm never going to.
So I got you in the club.

I haven't fought like that
since I was a kid with my brother.

Which made me realize
you're like family.

Well, thanks, Noah.

But to be honest...

...getting dinged was the best thing
that could've happened.

I can't afford the dues to that place.
I can't even afford your shampoo.

You don't have to pay dues.
Like I said, you're family.

So I added you to my family plan.

What?

Ha-ha-ha-ha, George Werner?
You added me as your brother?

Actually, I added you as my son.

So please, watch your tone with me.

So we're country-club people now, huh?

Shouldn't we have people
folding these?

I wouldn't call us country-club people.
You know, we belong to a club...

...that happens to be in the country.

We're country-club people.

Did you ever find out who dinged you?

No, no. And it's driving me crazy.

I hate that there's somebody out there...

...who has an anonymous
problem with me.

Come out and tell me to my face.
Be a man, you know?

Yeah. I did know. I had to be a man.

Oh, my gosh, Dalia.
Something so, so exciting just happened.

Your very good friend stopped by
unexpectedly to pay you a visit.

- Kimantha?
- No.

- Kenzie?
- No.

- Kaitlyn?
- No.

- It's...
- Sue?

No.
- It's me. Tessa.

Oh.

- Hey.
- Can I get you girls anything to drink?

I could whip up some Virgin Mary's.

I don't let Dalia have hard liquor
on school nights.

- No, thanks, Dallas. I'm not staying long.
- Okay.

I'm just making a collage of me
and Scott Strauss...

...and Lil Wayne for my locker.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

- Weezy?
- Scott Strauss.

Dalia, Scott likes someone else.
And I wanted you to hear it from me...

...because it's me.

Yeah, right.

I hung out with him yesterday.
But you liked him first...

...so I'm not gonna see him any more.

You think you're doing me
some sort of favor?

Letting my boyfriend
be my boyfriend?

He's not your boyfriend.

He went out with you
because he likes me.

Tessa, you remind me
of Tyler Perry right now.

- You're joking but you're not funny.
- I'm not joking.

Although, I don't disagree with you
about Tyler Perry.

- I don't even know why I came here.
- Yeah, it was dumb.

And let me spell out
just how dumb it was. D is for Dalia.

That's my name. And U is for you,
who snaked Scott Strauss.

And M is for Mrs. Scott Strauss,
that's also my name.

- You forgot the B.
- No, I didn't, beyotch.

- Game on.
- Fine. Game on.

Beyotch

Hey, Walter. Keep your head down
out there, all right?

- Ha, thanks.
- What does that even mean?

I don't know.
I heard somebody else say it.

- Morning, Mr. Altman.
- Hello there, Jocelyn. How are you?

I hear you're a member now.
Congratulations.

Yes, I am a member.

So we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

In this dining room, we will be.

But outside of the dining room,
not so much.

Club members can't date employees,
it's against the rules.

I'll be right back with some cream.

- Ding,
- Ding?

Ding.

Let's face it, we don't fit in.
We don't look like them...

...we don't act like them...

...and we definitely
don't play by their rules.

But two things will always be true,
they poach the hell out of an egg.

And I have my driver's license.