00x03 - Series 2 Disc 1 of 2

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Kaamelott". Aired: January 3, 2005 –; October 31, 2009.*
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Camelot's King Arthur and his knights seek the Holy Grail.
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00x03 - Series 2 Disc 1 of 2

Post by bunniefuu »

No, it's not going to work.

What?

It's bad enough without it,
but that's asking too much.

You've got one.

I'll take mine off, but I'm afraid
I can't cope with that.

Today, we're inaugurating a custom.

That's right. Listen carefully.

From now on, we'll be saying

a daily prayer in memory

of our fallen comrades.

That's right.

Our fallen comrades?

A noble idea, Sire.

- Excellent.
- Although, the fallen...

They're pretty rare.

There's that guy...

Which guy?

The dumb-looking one, always eating...

I'm here!
I'm not dead.

Another one.

You'll pray if you're told to,
not discuss it endlessly.

It's pissing me off.
Put on your helmets.

What's wrong?

We'll pray all you like,
but not in helmets!

Why not?

We'll look like dickheads!

Can you never just
do as you're told?

Is this respecting
our comrades?

Smart arse!
Why don't you put yours on?

That's not the point!

- For one as fastidious as you...
- Fastidious?

- Your hair's always clean.
- So what?

What's wrong with you today?
You want to wind me up?

It's not just today!

- We do avoid wearing them.
- Why?

- We look stupid.
- You don't!

Come off it. Percival,

put yours on for the King.

Why me?

It's more obvious with you.

I have to agree...

He's special.
You're not all like him!

My lords,
I fear there's no escaping it.

- Good grief!
- Pretty classy!

And to pray in...

Lancelot isn't wearing his!

We've got the point.

On! It's an order!

Can I take it off?
I don't feel well.

- I can't concentrate.
- Me neither.

- Try harder.
- Think of our dead comrades.

I'm trying,
but no one springs to mind!

- We're looking at Percival!
- The dickhead!

It's the helmet! Ignore it!

Can we have some quiet?

Boot-licker!
Something wrong, Apollo?

- Helmet bothering you?
- Want it on the conk?

I'd like to see you try!

Shut up! I'm not asking much!
Pray for minutes

then we take them off!

You forgot
to put yours on, Sire.

- I don't need to.
- Why not?

It's different.
It's not made the same...

Just drop it.

If it makes you happy.

I don't care. Mine suits me.

All right, take them off.

And the prayer?

We can't remember the guys
anyway!

Aren't you off to battle?

Tomorrow.

After Merlin gives us
a Strength potion.

What if he won't?

We won't go.
We're sick of being butchered!

Nice of you to come,
but I have to go out.

Wait minutes!

We need something.

Wasn't last time enough?
Stay away from magic!

- You explained it badly.
- What?

We asked for a fireball,
you gave us a parchment!

A parchment that, when read,
produced a fireball!

It's obvious!
Read it in the corridor,

you'll set fire to the castle!

We were rehearsing!

We didn't mean to do it.
We're not stupid!

As soon as we read it,
it sh*t off!

I'm shut!
Go and ask elsewhere!

Go on!

We need a potion!
We can't make it ourselves!

We can't do this any old how.

We have to be organised.

Let's sort out the bottles.

By what? Colour?

Colour can be misleading.

Take beans.

Red ones are pretty,
but give you gut-ache.

This one, for example.
What can we say?

It stinks?

Right.
What else stinks?

- In these bottles?
- No, in life.

Feet?

Are feet a good thing
or a bad thing?

They're good for walking...

But...?

Walk too far and they hurt.

Exactly.

So, this bottle

smells good,
but we mustn't use too much.

Go on.

- How much do I use?
- Not too much.

There. And now...

- This one.
- Not that one.

Why not?

We're not using them all.
Merlin doesn't.

Right. This one?

Smell it. Nothing ventured,
nothing gained.

- sh*t!
- What?

- It smells of feet.
- Like the other one?

I just said the other one stank.

You said, "What else stinks?"
I said, " Feet" .

And that one?

This really smells of feet.

We'll have to start again.

We sent for you...

- What?
- You think you can send for me?

I came by choice.
If I'm here for nothing,

I'll jail you for weeks
and ensure you get typhus!

- Go on.
- We'll make it simple.

I'd advise it.

We were trying to make
a Strength potion.

You?

We lack technique,
but if you've got...

See?

The potion didn't work.

I'm astounded.
Why ever not?

But compared to what
we discovered, it's zilch.

- Ready?
- Yes.

Hello, Sire!
How are you today?

Victory! The enemy's fleeing!

Thanks to our secret w*apon!

We're indestructible!

Stop!
We're just messing about!

They're still there.

It's unbelievable!
They're declaring w*r!

We can't just let them
camp on our land!

Burgundians are filthy!
They leave litter everywhere!

Don't worry, Sire.
It'll go fine.

It's weird,
negotiating on my own.

It's better, King to King!

Isn't it a bit sloppy,
eating while negotiating?

The guy loves food.
He'll be in a good mood.

Is the Burgundian interpreter there?

There's no interpreter this time.

You think I'm going to
chat to him in Burgundian?

He's been learning our language.
I hear he's pretty good.

He speaks our language?

He's been taking lessons.

The peace treaty's doomed.

You can flatter him!

Congratulate his progress.
Use simple words.

"Shift your men
or your country's ash!"

Is that simple enough?

Spoon!

- Very good.
-"Very good!"

Spoon.

"Spoon."

Never mind.

" Never mind!"

About the peace treaty...

The peace treaty.

We'll get an interpreter...

Arthur!

What?

Spoon.

Interpreter!

" Interpreter!"

Spoon!

Arthur!

What?

" Flowers in bouquets wilt

"and never revive again."

Translate exactly what I say.

We're talking peace,
not the weather.

"Weather!"

- I don't speak Burgundian!
- Why are you here?

I said,
as a kid with the Picts,

I had a little
Burgundian prisoner friend.

- So you speak it?
- No!

If I hear him speak

it might come back.

I don't believe it!

Arthur, not change plates
for cheese!

That's not Burgundian.

Can you say " peace treaty"?

I can't say "treaty" .

Can you say " peace"?

- I've forgotten.
- Spoon!

Hail Caesar!

Sign here, Thingummy!

- What?
- Let's get this over!

Spoon!

There!

He doesn't get it,
he won't withdraw his troops!

"Troops!"

What's wrong?
Why are you making that face?

What face?
I'm not making a face.

You're all...

All what?

You're not sulking?

No!

Maybe not.

Where's it going?

You know my place?

Vaguely.

Come in, you've the arms room,

then doors:

one to the kitchens,
one to a corridor

with windows.

Then you've steps
to the bedrooms,

and the watchtower
to the right...

Don't describe the whole castle!

What's wrong?

I'm not buying it!
Where's it going?

By the front door.

We've my father, my grandfather,

we just needed me!

This is you?

Of course! Who else?

You need a good eye!

Can't you see it's me?

Maybe...

No, not at all!

Father Blase?

- You're taking the piss!
- I don't know...

Are you blind?

Father Blase is bald!
Don't you see my hair?

- Now you say it...
- I should think so!

Father Blase with hair.

Why do you keep on about
Father Blase?

There's something
of Father Blase, in the smile.

It's true.
Who said to smile like that?

The idiot with the brushes.

That's what's wrong.

Why didn't you tell the painter
you never smile?

- Never smile?
- I don't remember it.

Smile. Let's see.

That's it!

It's really creepy!

Don't you like it?

That's much more like you!

Look.

I'm not smiling on there.

It's you on the coin?

- It's someone I know?
- A little.

- He knows me?
- Does it matter?

It's an angle of reflection.

Don't start with your terms!

Apparently it's the King!

Not "apparently", it is!

No one recognises you.

It can't be you.

You recognise the dragon?

Arthur, the dragon...
Ring any bells?

I've never seen you
with a dragon.

I'm recognisable with
a couple of brushstrokes...

You should stop smiling.
It's really sick!

Tonight's dinner was really nice.

That's it!

You smile exactly like your father!

Really?

Yes, identical,
and it has the same...

Stop, now. It's really sick.

Tomorrow the Wives are
picnicking on Silbury Hill.

Silbury? You're kidding?

Why are you angry?

I keep telling you not to litter
sacred sites with chicken bones!

You'll end up causing trouble!

- What's that on your faces?
- A rash.

- A rash?
- From what?

It's a reaction to something.

An allergy.

That's some allergy!

Are you taking the piss?

You've been to a sacred site!

I don't think so...

There was no sign!

It's easy to know!
Circles of stones ft tall

don't just grow overnight!

You can't go steps
without coming across

a magical site here.

If we're to avoid them...

No more talk.
Father-in-law,

have a series of walls built
preventing

access to all sacred sites.

What? Are you kidding me?

Be kind enough to do as I say.

See what your stupid picnics lead to?

Either your allergy's
no better at all,

or, and I'd be surprised
since I've forbidden it,

you've been to another
sacred site.

- Not at all!
- The idea!

So, what?

It's a form of hives.

You're a form of hives!

Would you stop
taking us for idiots?

We didn't go near a site.

We sat in a cornfield
and ate celery.

There wasn't
a stone circle there?

We're not that stupid!

There was a circle in the corn,
but no stones.

A circle in the corn?

A circle. In the corn.

A massive circle,
quite round and neat,

where the corn was flattened.

I don't believe it!

You sat in the middle
of a crop circle!

A crop circle?

We thought it was decorative!

Peasants don't spend all day
making circles in the corn!

They don't come
from outer space, do they?

- Of course they do!
- Don't bother.

Tomorrow, I want a wall built

around every field in which
there's a crop circle.

I'll curb your love of nature.

What have you been
building around my corn!

Walls!

What for?

So people can't get in.

How will I harvest my crops
if I can't get inside?

I can't think of everything!

I've worked with loonies before,
but this is a new one!

It's esotericism.
You wouldn't get it.

No, I'm just a country bumpkin.

In the meantime,

if you want bread,
do the harvest yourself!

Stuff the harvest!
Do it next year! What's it to me?

It's your problem now!

Can I get my cows in,
or will I need scaffolding?

How do we know
Silbury Hill's magic?

For the th time, it's a pyramid.

I see.

If we picnic in the field next door,

or even in our courtyard,

how do we know
there's no pyramid underneath?

If you come out in a rash
we'll start to wonder.

- Sire!
- What is it?

A Roman, alone!
A league away!

- So what?
- Do we do him in?

Do him in?
Aren't we federated with them?

Yes, we're federated with them.

But if we can do one in
on the sly...

We'll say it wasn't us.

Stop!

It's Caius!

- Hold it!
- What?

It's Caius!

- You scared me!
- It's not a Roman?

It is, but it's Caius!

seconds later,
you'd have had it!

You're right there!

How's it going?

Fine.

Round Table going well?

Not bad.

Lancelot doesn't know you.

Centurion Caius Camilus.

I saw you once
at the Round Table.

Fancy a jar back at camp?

Why not!

Unless it's a trap!

No, it's just a drink.

What if it hadn't been me
back there?

What?

You're k*lling Romans now?
It's a revolt!

Nonsense!
We saw you from behind.

We said,
"That looks like a Viking!"

With a skirt and dark hair?

As we got closer I thought,
"A Viking in a skirt, that's odd!"

Alone in the forest,
miles from the coast!

- Back us up, here!
- What matters is, you're safe.

I'm concerned that
you wanted to top a Roman!

That's not our style.
We respect the invader.

There's only
half a dozen of them left.

Some invaders!

What are you on about?
We've never given you trouble.

We've had a few guys
go off mushrooming...

They never came back.

You have to be sure
with mushrooms...

Rome doesn't scare anyone!

We've brought half the world
to its knees!

Once, maybe...

There's no once about it!
We rule! We're the boss!

There's no discussion!

About what?
You're meant to submit!

My arse!

This is for you!

If Rome's finished,
you'll be on the street!

So?
Will you give me a job?

We'll give you troops and land.
You'll be Lord Camilus.

Not bad going!

I can't just desert
Caesar's army...

There is no army!
Just a few guys

in short skirts.
It's over!

Admit it!
You'll feel better!

I feel fine!
I'll never turn traitor!

Hail Caesar!

I won't go just yet.
It's raining.

I've never been so insulted!

We should have let Lancelot
do you in!

The day you have to go home

like a bumpkin

you'll regret turning us down!

No I won't!
I just want to know...

If I change my mind in days,

will the offer still stand?

- Aren't you going tomorrow?
- Where?

To the Druid reunion...

No, I don't want to.

I don't care!
You're going!

But why me?

It's because I'm a Druid, isn't it?

I hate it. It's full of beardy
would-be Druids!

Every region will be
represented,

apart from Kaamelott!

Who cares? We don't need it!

It's a stupid event in the forest.
We'll freeze!

I'm not daft.
You go to every stupid event!

- What do you mean?
- Whenever we need you,

you're always at some big
festival or other.

Some are interesting.

- The one I came to?
- Which one?

- With the stone?
- Blue Stone.

I don't remember us doing
anything except drink.

What's this one?

The Crow Gathering.

- Is it no good?
- There's no alcohol.

It's all weekend.
It's too long.

And it's thematic.

Theme weekends for me...

What's the theme?
Crows?

- Exactly.
- What happens?

Some people change into crows.
That takes hours.

- It takes you hours to do it?
- Who, me?

You.

I can't do it.

We won't look too good there.

That's nothing compared
to the word sessions.

Word sessions?

Crows have
a great sense of humour.

Really?

It's just a bird to me,
but it's true,

they play jokes,
bug the other birds

fly crooked
as if they're wounded...

So?

These stupid Druids
hold sessions

where you have to improvise jokes.
Like a crow!

- Improvise jokes?
- Exactly. It's stupid!

- Can you do it?
- I'm useless.

- Useless?
- I can k*ll the mood in seconds.

That's why you don't want to go?

Mainly.
And there's no booze.

The knight says to the Roman,
"Think you're the Coliseum?"

That's terrible!

What did I say?

You said you were useless
but that's pathetic!

Try another.

That's enough!

Go on.
There's only us here.

What's the point?
I won't go.

We'll see.

There's this Viking...

Why a Viking?

I'm improvising!

You don't know
what's going to happen?

It'll come gradually.

Carry on.

A Viking meets his mate,
a Gaul, in port.

The Gaul says,
"You with the horny helmet!

"Show me your wife,
I'll show you horny!"

That's pitiful.
Why's he a Gaul?

He can be anything.
It's still funny.

It isn't funny.

Of course not, without booze.

The fairy goes to the river,

looks at her reflection

and says, "Reflection

"who is the fairest of them all?"

The river answers, " If I tell you,

"you'll only brag about it!"

Don't go tomorrow.

I shouldn't.

Promise you won't?

I swear.

And there's no booze.

You can't guard the food
if you eat it!

- It's Caradoc!
- That's a lie!

What do we do
while you're fighting?

Nothing. Sit on a stump
and wait till we get back.

- We're fed up.
- Up to the visor!

What can I do?

We can do more
than guard food supplies!

Pinching the odd loaf
doesn't make us morons!

We're knights!
We've a right to fight!

Screw up in a food store,
it's no problem.

but on a b*ttlefield...

We've never screwed up
on a b*ttlefield!

We've never been on one!

- We've had enough!
- sh*t!

What have you come here
to bawl about?

Give us something
to make us impressive.

Make us look like...

- Like what?
- Key elements!

Something that'll make
people say:

" If Percival and Caradoc
aren't here, the battle's off!"

If they're in groups,
we're too few...

One group, we've a chance.

How many are there?

Why do you ask?

- To weigh it up.
- Get a global view.

You need a global view
to watch the horses?

- Be serious.
- You need us today.

Why today, particularly?

You might be under-manned.

That doesn't usually stop you
watching the horses.

What's got into you today?

We're prepared.

We could be the keystone
of your army!

- The keystone?
- Isn't that a word?

- Yes.
- We've told you...

A battle's about
discipline and coordination.

You're not ready.

Coordination, maybe not.
I don't know what it means.

Today, it's different.

We'll take on
the enemy on our own!

Today's special.

You're suicidal as well as dumb?

Do it!

- The horses!
- sh*t!

You've set the corral alight!

I'm through with magic!

Launching a fireball's not bad!

There's aiming it, too...

It's an art.

Give me something now.

Think I've time to waste
on you idiots?

You work for our army?

You're in the army now?

Absolutely! And knights
rank higher than Druids.

- No.
- What do you mean?

- Druids come before knights.
- Even if I say "please"?

Do you want a fireball too?
To burn half the forests in the land?

I'd advise against a fireball.
It's a rip-off!

Give me something calmer,
but impressive!

Something to make hair grow?

All right, Sire?

What's it to you?

Today, you can use me in battle.

Really?

Hey, you! Come here!

Good day, Sire.

It's a lovely day, but chilly.
But lovely.

I don't know why,
but he's really dumb.

Bastards!

- What's that?
- A prisoner yelling.

What does he want?

- He says he's innocent.
- Maybe he is.

Whatever the case,
no one with manners

bores people with
their problems at am.

What's his name?

I forget.

- How long's he been there?
- No idea.

You know nothing.

What does the book say?

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

- There's nothing.
- Why's that?

Nothing's ever written down.

We say "the book" to show off,

but no one uses it.

You don't know who he is,
or why he's there?

The others are the same.

This is shocking!

They deserve to be in there.

We must do something.

Yes! He disturbs us
every night, without fail!

What can we do?

I've tried everything -
whipping him, no food,

no water...

He still won't shut up!

Which one is it?

- Bastards!
- That one.

- What's your name?
- Get stuffed!

This is the King.
Watch your tongue.

What'll you do?
Lock me up?

We want to hear you out.

Hold this, sonny.

- Won't you tell us your name?
- Fearmac.

- You've been here...?
- years.

years?

in May.
We won't quibble over it!

What were you jailed for?

Terrorism
and possession of insects.

Possession of insects?

I had fleas.
I got days in jail.

And years for terrorism?

No, . The sentence
was years, days.

And the other years?

You forgot to release me.

You didn't say anything?

To begin with, no.
But years is a bit much.

We'll let you out.

Wait a minute...

This terrorism business,
explain what happened.

Just look in the book!

- We can't.
- We could, but...

We wanted to...

- Confirm your version.
- That's right.

We wanted that sh*t
Pendragon dead!

He was the King's father!

I'm sorry.

I don't care.
I never knew him.

A right bastard, I can tell you!

Manners!

From what I hear, he's right.

This place wasn't built then.
I did years in Tintagel.

Pendragon spoke of making
a pact with the Romans. Bastard!

But he didn't.

- Didn't he?
- No.

I did, though.

How's it been going?

Very well.
We've schools, roads,

infant mortality's been halved,

aqueducts...

It's a good thing, then?

No shadow of a doubt.

Back then,
I couldn't stand the Romans.

I b*rned inns
and border posts!

I see!

If we let you go, who says
you won't do it again?

Given our pact with the Romans...

I think I'd go back to it.

For sure.

You're sure? No regrets?

I could say I'll go straight

but I'll meet a Roman, burn a barn...

We'll leave you here.

It's as well.

I've made friends over the years.

Haven't I, sonny?

You see...

You'll stop waking everyone up
at night?

I'm on edge at the moment.
Sorry.

The gangrene in my foot
keeps me awake.

- What are you doing there?
- And you?

Are you nuts?
Want me to prune your neck?

- Why the threats?
- What are you doing there?

I can make some room
for you if you want!

What is it?

Caradoc!
You want to see me!

Yes, but not at this precise moment.

Should I come in?

What do you think?

You're crazy! And with company!

It's not company, it's my wife.

You've got a nerve!

- You wanted me?
- It's this silly mistake.

It's Leodegan?

What happened?
He says I gave you his room.

You did?

No!

He mistook Sir Leodegan's
room for ours.

They're the same,
but on different floors.

Although, with children,

a bigger room would be handy.

I don't have anything
to do with that...

Dagonet's old room is above yours.
Use that.

Thank you, Sire!

Not at all. Would you mind
getting out, now?

What's this?
Giving away my room!

Can't you see I'm in a bath?

Don't hesitate to pack us off
to the tool shed!

Giving it to visiting nobility
is bad enough

but to that dope...!

What dope? Caradoc?

The very same!

I thought this was sorted out!

He's putting his smalls
in my closet as we speak!

A nice welcome home that is!

I told him to take Dagonet's room.

Dagonet has a room?

His old room
is above Caradoc's.

That's not Dagonet's old room,
it's my present one!

What?

Dagonet used it twice,
then you put him by the jail.

I'm slightly too busy
running the country

to bother myself with
who gets which room!

So, why give
our room to Caradoc?

I didn't! I don't care!
I'm washing!

I'll tell him it's a mistake.

- I don't care!
- You confirm it?

I confirm I don't care!

We were unpacking when
he came barging in, swearing!

He scared the children!

I told them nicely
we weren't gypsies

and to get out
before I punched them!

I've known him less courteous!

He called me ugly!

Maybe. I don't remember.

I saw red!

- I left to avoid a m*ssacre!
- Right!

Ugly! See what
he carts around!

- What?
- Think you're a Greek statue?

Whichever room they get,
he's getting a smack!

You come from Carmelide?

Of course.

And you, Caradoc,
from Vannes?

Yes.

Unless I'm wrong, you have rooms
in Carmelide and Vannes?

- That's true.
- So?

Be out of here by tonight!

Rooms spotless,

beds stripped, keys in the door.

Go back to your homes
and get out of my bathroom!

- They're on edge...
- The room was the final straw...

What we'll do is,

stick to our original rooms,

and find an extra room
for the kids.

That's twice the space.

It'll make bedtime easier.

I've put padlocks on the doors.

To avoid confusion.

Put one on the bathroom
while you're at it!

" Liberate our companions."

- Got it?
- I think so.

It's not hard.
"Liberate our companions."

I set off tomorrow?

No, you go now!

Right away?

What's in the message?

I can't say.
It's a secret message.

You said it was a "coded" message.

If it's in code, it's secret!

If it's coded, you can bawl it from
the roof, no one will understand!

It's a phrase
that means something.

Tell us.
We'll say if it's secret.

" Lubricate our companions."

" Lubricate..."

It's code.
It means nothing.

I told you, it's coded.

Did he say what it meant?

I don't think so.

You have to take it

to someone who knows
what it means.

Hope I don't screw up.
It seems important.

It's easy!
Shall I go?

- Would you?
- Yes! The th glade?

Go now. I promised I'd go
tonight, but I overslept.

Sorry I'm late.
I got lost.

Now you're here,
why did you come?

Think it's to bug you?

You might surprise me.

Tell me if I do.

I've a coded message
from the King.

You're astounded!

I'm astounded the King
sent a message by you!

He sent Caradoc.
I'm covering for him.

- Caradoc?
- He'd no choice!

A bad marrow
made everyone sick.

Except Arthur and Caradoc,
who smelled it was bad.

He'd no choice.

He'd have sent me,
but I was busy.

This is the most consequential
order in British history.

Consequential?

Go on.

Ready to decode?

Ready?

Ready.

"Confiscate our carnations."

Is it wrong?
Isn't it code?

It could be...

Tell me the code,
I'll help decipher it.

I'm not allowed.

- Can't all knights know it?
- Just warlords.

- Aren't I a w*rlord?
- No.

- I am!
- I assure you, you're not.

How do you know?

You don't know the code.

You don't seem
too sure of it either!

You're floundering!

Rub it in,
it'll lower your blood pressure.

No, don't rub it in, swallow it.

Are you sure?

Do both. You'll soon see.

I'll cope on my own. Thanks.

Someone told me to tell you:

" Marinate the mushrooms."

Make any sense?

The Moors have agreed to talk.
It wasn't easy.

They're coming?

- They want to get round the table.
- The Round Table?

No, the dining table.

These guys are Moors?

Yes.

Didn't you say that?

I'm not sure you understand.

You think I'm stupid?

- We're eating with the Moors.
- And what are Moors?

Guys from the Sahara.

That's right.

I knew that.

That's very good.

There's a problem.

What?

Moors are sticklers
for politeness.

You're going to insult them?

They burp after eating.
It's the custom.

If you don't, they get upset.

It's true, but we can burp
if we have to.

I can't. I've no problem farting,
but I've never burped.

You know, Sir Arthur,
I'm a decisive guy.

That's why you're here.

It's good.
Now we don't feel you see us

as stupid peasants.

days ago we'd had
no word from you...

You fell into
a"Moorass" of gloom!

- What?
- What did he say?

It's nothing.

Don't you get it?

Moor-ass! Morass!

- Stop now.
- Wait...

What's this about asses?

Let's focus on

the free movement of merchant
ships in territorial waters...

If your minister mocks us,
the talks are at an end.

Respect is capital for us.
I won't be called an ass.

He didn't call you an ass.
He's not a minister.

- Who is he?
- An idiot.

I'm sure we'll reach an agreement.

But...

No, I do the talking.

Politeness is your hobbyhorse.

- Hobbyhorse?
- What?

What's all this horse stuff?
Do you want a w*r?

No, he's being funny.

No one's laughing.

- He's just playing.
- It's horseplay!

Your agreement is fair.

But if one of your people
shows us disrespect,

we'll cancel everything
and you'll pay

with your hides!

Say horsehide
and it's months hard labour.

I didn't say a thing.

In any case,

bravo for the meal.

You're not bad at the old grub.

I warned you.

I'm made differently.

What's going on?

Would a fart do?

Percival? Is there a disaster?

Look what I can do.

Wait... Damn, it's gone.

It was working!

I did it, Sire!

I'd hate to get you up
for nothing.

Me too.
What does the message say?

Pict warriors
crossed the North border.

Picts! We can handle
an invasion that size.

They're not invading.
They're going home.

You did.
You got me up for nothing.

It's terrible.

The lookouts say

the Picts have kidnapped Guinevere!

Kidnapped?
Were the lookouts drunk?

The Queen was with you last night?

Yes.

She was in bed next to you?

As far as I remember...

- You didn't speak to her?
- What for? No.

Was she there or not?

I don't know.
I don't keep staring at her!

Why would she be kidnapped?

For ransom!

The bastards! It's terrible.
We're completely broke!

Ask Sir Leodegan to help out.

He's far too tight!

It's his daughter!

We're not sure
she's been kidnapped.

Do we check your room?

When she's there she presses
her icy feet against mine in bed.

No one bothered me,
I slept well.

She can't have been there.

Hell!
That's all you needed!

I was afraid you'd be upset,
Father-in-law.

She is my daughter...
But you're really going to feel it!

Since she's your daughter,
we could feel it together.

Very family-minded.

A daughter on the throne,
a son at the Round Table...

I've done your family proud!

That's an alliance.

Alliances work both ways,
for problems too.

How much then?

But I'm King of Carmelide,
not a superpower.

We just need your word.
The ransom isn't fixed yet.

Not fixed?
Watch out, I know the Picts.

My wife's a Pict.
They're not coy about money.

Have you been
in this kind of mess before?

You bet! My wife...

Lady Seli was kidnapped?

I did it.
I was still a prince, starting out.

I wanted , gold pieces.
I got .

- gold pieces?
- , .

But only if I kept her.

Not a bad idea.

Unless they took her...

For revenge?

Someone who feels
something for her...

- For love?
- That's right.

If I were you,
I wouldn't get your hopes up.

We thought, since you're Pict...

I negotiate
and get a discount.

It's to simplify negotiations.

We don't speak Pict.

After years,
you can't even say "thank you" !

I don't say it normally,
I'm not saying it in Pict!

Give me a starting price.

How much would that be?

I don't know.

, to begin with.

- , ?
- To begin with?

Who knows the Picts?

Fifty-fifty, Father-in-law?

Or we go and get her!
catapults, burn them out!

Don't touch a hair
on the Picts' heads!

And if it goes wrong

we'll foot the bill twice.

We pay up and that's it.

Picts have never been
my strong point.

Here's your share.

You come back, everyone's happy.

It seems a bit immoral...

When your father kidnapped me

I never got a penny.
To hell with morals!

What do I tell Arthur and Papa?

Tell Arthur, it was for love...

And your father,
money has to circulate.

I don't understand why you left.

That awful Barbarian
threatened to k*ll me.

He's the enemy, Bors!

Enemy or not,
I won't be threatened!

Imagine it had got nasty
and we'd come to blows!

- What are you doing here?
- I...

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

You know the Burgundians
are trying to get in?

So I believe.

- So?
- As soon as I heard...

I thought I'd secure this door.

Know what's in there?

I can't guard them all!

Bors, I'm trying hard
not to get angry.

We're all battling
to repel the enemy

while you secure
the blanket store!

- The blanket store?
- That's right.

Sorry, I think it's essential!

Imagine we're besieged
until next winter!

We'll be glad of blankets then!

Bors, I wonder you don't blush
at your cowardice.

But, Sire...

If we're still alive tomorrow,

I'm handing you over
to my Arms Master!

Why?

So I'm not ashamed every time
you act like a guinea fowl!

You won't hit me?

On guard, you little wimp!

What?

Show me what you're made of, missy!

King Arthur just said...

You're completely nuts!

You nearly split my head open!

I'd have been glad!

Unless you'd faint
at the sight of your own brains!

You're mentally ill!

Is that your insult?

What?

What I mean is,

is " mentally ill"
your worst insult?

You'll have to go further,

or we'll still be here tomorrow!
Go for it!

Go for what?

A stream of insults
to get you going,

then you att*ck!

I'm not insulting you!

It's to fire us up!

- No way!
- Come on!

Move your arse, you big turkey!

This is scandalous!

Sir Bors,

I'm sick of your cowardly
behaviour!

Be so good as
to soundly insult me

and get rip-roaring mad!

Heathen!

Without being a killjoy,
this looks bad.

They're or times our number.

or ?

At least , maybe .

Thanks for the precision.

What can I say?
That's what the scouts said.

I find your attitude
rather surprising, Sir Lancelot.

You command the scouts.
They led us into this rat trap.

I didn't ask to command them.
You told me to!

I don't give a sh*t!

Command what I tell you
and shut up!

We won't get out of here
by arguing!

What do we do?
It's against !

I command the scouts.
Not this bunch of morons.

You're beginning
to seriously get on my wick!

Do we retreat?

Of course! If we att*ck
we'll be carved up.

- Withdraw!
- Withdraw.

Heathens!

Is Bors still in the infirmary?

Yes. I'll have to get Merlin.

He got a real hiding.

Poor thing.
He must have been terrified!

Are you kidding?

I've guards posted by his door
to stop him going back!

Is something wrong?

What does that mean?
Yes or no?

Yes.

Your new religion
has stopped the hicks

saying the New Moon prayer.
I look stupid.

For sure...

For centuries we've said

if they don't pray,

they'll be showered with stones.
Now that's old hat!

You're messing it all up!

I'm not!
I don't give a sh*t!

You don't give a sh*t?

I do, but...

I'm sorry you look like
an arsehole...

I look like an arsehole?

Didn't you say that?

I didn't say "arsehole" .

What does it matter
what you are?

Bravo!
And if you...

Sire,

why are you laughing?

Now I've hollowed out
my bread...

Arthur!

Find ye the Grail!

What is it?

No, it's funny...

The way you've moulded
your bread.

It looks like a man
on a horse.

Here's the cave mouth!

Dismount, the Grail is to hand!

Behind you, Sire!

The Black Knight!

Your last hour has come!

Where have you hidden the Grail!

Up your arse!

You'll pay for that insult!

- Victory, Sire!
- At last, the Grail!

It's enormous!

It's not how I imagined it.

The villagers
acclaim you like villagers!

Long live Arthur!
King of Britain!

Long live Arthur!

Help! Call Merlin!

Merlin's coming.

An apparition!

A fireball!

Look out!
The Ogre of the Hills!

Begone from my lands!
Perish, lowly beings!

Catapults!

Fire!

You can clear the table.

Behind you!
The Black Knight wants revenge!

Draw Excalibur,
your legendary sword!

I've not seen our son for days.
Where is he?

He's in good hands.
The King's placed him

with some tough guys.
- Placed him?

Him and that other fairy,
Gawain,

with the low-life.
They'll come back men!

You gave them
to some magicians?

- It's not that it went badly...
- It went well?

No.

Tell me what you did.

Maybe I set the bar a bit high.

I sent them to fight a troll.

A troll? You're crazy!
Yvain's afraid of wasps!

- That's not true!
- Uncle,

he deliberately endangered
our lives!

When he opened up the troll,

a jet of acid nearly
acidified me!

It was to make warriors of you.
It wasn't a picnic!

All right, it was unfortunate.
We needn't give up.

I won't go with that
dangerous man!

If I'm forced to go back,

I'll hold my breath
until you stop forcing me.

I've never met such a pair
of dopes in my life!

How long were you
at sea with them?

We turned back the moment
we left port! They were seasick!

You didn't mention going to sea!

I still feel queasy!

Everyone on the ship

tried to steal
our personal effects!

They whipped all my food.
I took a real whipping!

The guys on the ship aren't
Knight Templars.

I thought they should

rub shoulders
with some real hard nuts,

so they can handle themselves
in prison.

I didn't say turn them
into bandits!

Not bandits!
Street-wise kids.

But I give up.

They make me look stupid in port.
It's not on.

- What'll I do with you?
- Knighthood isn't for them.

What else can they do?
They're royal.

By me and by marriage.

Try something spiritual.

Guardians of religion.

What for?
I've already got you.

If they're royal, sell them.
You'd make a packet.

I can say,
I've noticed the boys

are very good at
talking to people.

It's rare these days.
Specially with the young.

We met some villagers.
It was most rewarding.

One of them

imitated wild animals
with his gums and a bread stick!

Then we made some purchases.

I bought some splendid boots.
As I was short of money,

Sir Bors helped me out.

It was a great pleasure.

I made friends with
the cheesemaker.

He explained the ins and outs
of his job very clearly.

Sir Bors,
can we go and have tea now?

Run along, you rascals!

So, do we get our boy back?

Tomorrow. Along with Gawain.

The King said I'll be surprised.
I can't wait!

You seem optimistic.

They'll be wild beasts,
k*lling machines.

I might even wear armour.
They may try to k*ll me!

Am I your favourite mistress?

Really, or do you just
want me to say, "yes"?

What's the difference?

If you want me to say, "yes",
I'll say yes. Otherwise,

I have to think about it.
I've a few mistresses.

There you are!

What's up?

I wondered where you were.

What's it to you?

My girl's driving us mad,
"Where's my husband...?"

I came to look.
I'd nothing else to do.

I come here to be alone.

Speaking of girls,
doing my rounds

of the coastal watchtowers,
guess who I met!

I don't know.

Your mistresses.
The twins.

- The fisherman's twins?
- You'll see them tonight.

That's good.

Maybe only one's
your mistress.

I can't tell them apart.

- I like them both.
- It's the same one!

How do you know?
You can't tell them apart.

I don't know.

Why's he sleeping on that side?

- I don't know.
- By chance!

Of course!
He can't tell us apart.

So, why does he always sleep
on that side?

He doesn't.

- What's wrong?
- Why are you sleeping there?

- Why not?
- Go easy! He's tired.

You're always glued to my sister!

No more than to you.

- You are!
- I'm not.

I don't think he is.

- I'm sure of it.
- Impossible.

- He can't tell us apart.
- I can!

What?

I'm sorry,
I can tell you apart.

I'd be surprised.

- Aziliz, Tumet.
- Told you!

Luck!

No! I can tell you apart!

I told you.
It's intentional.

Intentional...

It's unconscious.

Of course.
We're the same!

You're not the same.

Can you say that to twins?

I'm sorry, I stick to what I said.
Tumet's more...

- More what?
- I don't know. It's more the...

Nonsense.

- I'm shutting up.
- And the rest?

Rest of what?

Do you prefer her for the rest?

I don't prefer anybody!

You don't want to say.

For the rest, it's you.
You're a bit more...

- More what?
- I don't know. It's the...

- Nonsense.
- That's all I'm good for?

- You're bugging me!
- You won't say!

Anyway, you're not so good
at "the rest" as you say.

It's nothing to...

It's there being of you that's...

On your own, there's nothing...

It's nice! But that's all.

Can't you say that to twins?

There you are!

When I want to be alone.

The twins looked mad
this morning.

I know.

You can really tell them apart?

How do you do it!

When you're used to them,

one's more...

While the other's more...

You're busy tonight.

No more than usual.

people.
Over the last years,

your average in the hours
before sunset has been . .

The bastard's good!

What we're asking is simple.

Can you bring your men here?

No problem! Just tell me where.

What am I doing with my finger?

No, for real.
I don't understand maps.

You're doing this on purpose!

You recognise the river?

Where?

- The long blue thing.
- That's the river?

What else would it be?

We're strong, they're .

Send us to the river,
we've had it!

?

The spies said, to men.

, including the commanders.

How do you know?

I saw them from the hilltop.

We've set up a little test.

Just to find out.

Find out what?

Back when
you counted the enemy...

It's to see if you're gifted

or a complete jerk.

Gifted?

If it wasn't crap,
it's downright exceptional!

Knowing how to count?
Don't take the piss!

I've always said,

what you do with numbers,
even I can't do.

Anyway...

We'll try and find out.
Pass the bag.

It's gone!

What was it like?

- Canvas.
- Full of bits of dry bread.

I ate them!

What?

Rabbit food like this?

I didn't know what it was.

They were for Percival to count!

There were about .

We don't care what you think!

What'll he count?
The stones in the castle?

, .

What?

There should be , .
A tower's missing one

and one's gone
under a bartizan.

If it's true, it's astounding!

When I had the castle built

they billed me for , stones.

If it's true,
they did me out of...

, .

We'll mention your speciality
at the next meeting.

Maybe someone can
suggest a use for it.

- The next meeting's in...
- days.

Not the day after tomorrow?

Yes, in days.

Meaning?

It's the same thing.

That depends when from!

"When from"?

From today?

Not from tomorrow!

If it's in days,
when do you count it from?

That's why I asked!

When you say
"the day after tomorrow" ...

I never say that.

What are you on about?

Round Table meetings
are twice a month.

If the guy says the day after
next in days, it's different!

- It's crap!
- I said it was unlikely.

Is the castle stone
thing hogwash?

I don't think so.
We're not going to check.

I get bogged down with dates.

I'm useless at counting,

but dates are my thing.

I don't know how you do it.

Take today: count days,

that gives you a week.

It'll be exactly the same day
as today.

Wow!

Roughly.
It's not an exact science.

You're short of t*rture implements.

I don't like t*rture.

Take an iron maiden!

What's it for?

Cheating wives.
They're shut in and pierced...

With little spikes.

We don't punish
cheating wives here.

Mess about with the law,
we'll never get anywhere.

Burn him!
Atone for your sins!

Get out!
I'm working!

What did I learn
in an unexpected way?

What now?

Rumour has it
you've never confessed!

I can't imagine

that a man of your stature
has never...

One moment!
That I've never what?

Confession! Without which
there's no salvation,

without which there's no...
Without...

Hold on!

What's this about?
Is it really urgent?

You're blind to the facts!

Your soul is black!
Black as an adder!

Black as a little warthog!

Little warthogs that...

That's enough!

- Go away.
- But...

Don't stand in the path
of redemption,

- Satan!
- Seriously, Sire...

Burn him!

- There's no stopping him.
- It's stupid...

Satanic!

With confession,
you have to go for it.

Say, " I confess that..."

Go on. I'm listening.

I don't know...
What did you say was forbidden?

m*rder, for example.

Have you caused
someone's death? I'm listening.

Well, yes.

That's not very nice.

Under what conditions?

There was a w*r!

Hang on, w*r's different.

You asked
if I'd k*lled anybody.

What was the w*r for?
Defending the Church is all right.

You can even be cruel then.
I'd encourage it!

All right.

In what circumstances
did it take place?

Following up a lead
about the Grail.

The Grail! You should have
said so before!

The Grail's good.

If people get in your way,

you can burn a few of them,
for example.

You can be...

Cruelty's good there.

- You're sure?
- Burn someone, you score a point.

One point!

You can even...
I often burn people.

We thrashed them, that's all!

You made them scream?

They weren't happy.

Some were whimpering?

They whimpered?

Was there blood everywhere?

A bit...

Some were crying for their mothers?
I like that.

I forget.

I like it when they go,
"Mummy...!"

Whack! Their skull explodes!
I really like that!

You never confess?

No.
I do it for the Church.

When it's for the Church,
it's allowed.

That's the system.

Even burning people?

Especially!
Burning's beautiful!

Have you k*lled anyone?

No.

Now, when you k*ll someone,

you ask God's forgiveness.

I've sold weapons used to k*ll.

Does that count?

I don't know. I'll ask.

What's up?
You look out of sorts.

I'm in no mood for people.

Do you mean us?

You're people, aren't you?

Do you need anything?

No.

Tell me if you do.

I'm telling you: no.

Since you left the camp
an hour ago...

We don't have to be together
hours a day!

No, but I...

I think it's odd.

What's odd?

You're normally on my back,
criticising me.

Make the most of it!
Go away!

Today, it's "go away",
yesterday, I was inconsiderate!

You're not much better today.

Surely you can see I need to be
alone with no one bugging me!

I'm not! I simply asked
if you wanted anything.

Mind your own business.
I'm asking for once!

I don't want to.

There's no doubt. In any event,
you're a stubborn oaf!

It's you!
What's going on?

It's just to say,
I'm not sleeping here tonight.

You're going to Demetra's?

No...

The fisherman's twins?

- Not there, either.
- Someone I don't know?

No one!
I want to sleep on my own.

Where will you sleep, then?

I don't know.

You don't want to tell me?

No, really, I don't know
where I'm sleeping.

Is it a problem?

I'm sorry,
but it's very strange.

What's so strange?
I want to sleep alone!

Alone?
What have I done wrong?

Nothing!
Did I say you had?

You haven't slept on your own

since you were .
Suddenly,

tonight, you have
a burning need for solitude!

It's because of that
I'm allowing myself a little break!

But why tonight?

I don't know! I felt like it.
I didn't want you to worry.

Well, it didn't work!
I'm worried.

Everything's always a problem!

You're the most complicated
person I've ever met!

I just want to be alone.
And I don't want to talk!

- Don't want to talk?
- Well, it didn't work!

That's for sure.

Can't you leave me alone?

We don't ask for much!

Nothing would be better.

What's it to you?

I've managed to steal
some time for myself

to work, quietly,

without the whole castle here.
It's rare!

Well, you can work for us!

It's not the work.
I want peace, understand?

I can count on one hand
the moments I'm alone!

You could have done it by now!

Is a potion to turn
piss blue really urgent?

It doesn't have to be that.
Just something funny.

It'll give you a laugh!

It's not good to loaf about
in here all day.

Stopped being childish now?

I've come to get a pillow.

I'm sleeping
in the Round Table room.

On the floor?

Yes.

It must be awful!

Not great. I don't want to talk.

We're talking now...

I'd rather sleep on the floor.

Sir Leodegan!
Fancy a bite to eat?

No.

Funny to see you here
at this hour.

- Makes me think...
- Where were you going?

- To bed.
- Do as you intended.

Anyone there?

Come out, right away!

If I catch you,
you'll get a thrashing!

No one there?

Sure?
No second thoughts?

Who's there?

Funny to see you here.

Too right. Hysterical.

It's weird.
It's rare I meet anyone.

- Usually, there's no one.
- I was counting on that.

This is my midnight break.

Bors sometimes comes
for fruit.

He eats real sh*t.

So, it's quiet
after your midnight break?

And before my am one.

I see...

Or between my and am ones.
Then it's breakfast.

If anything's left!

Aren't you eating?

I don't know where it's kept.

Want some of my meat?

No thanks.
Very civil of you.

A slice of bread?

- It slips down!
- Go on then.

No!

Not there!

- Not there?
- Not that side.

You wanted some bread?

Not if it's kept that side.

"That side"?

I don't want the bread
kept on the left.

But that's where it is!

What's on the right?

- Not much.
- Isn't that parsley?

- Yes.
- Give me a bit of parsley.

"Seal of approval" .
I never knew what that was.

But now I've seen a seal.

It's a sea-beast that tells
sailors when they're on course!

- That's all.
- Isn't it time for bed?

Yes.

Some bread to help it down.

No!

- Not the bread!
- Why not?

At this hour?
Is it on the left?

Yes.

You shouldn't.
It's inadvisable.

- Who says?
- I do. I advise against it.

sh*t!

And everything else
on the left of the dresser.

What do I eat?

Parsley.

Dig in. I've finished.

Raw parsley's not great.

See if there's something else.

Where?

On the right of the dresser.

What's that?

No, it's a weevil.

- Not nice?
- I don't think so.

It's parsley, then.

Sire! Sire!

A missive of the highest
importance! It's from Rome!

Thank you!

Why's the Pope
looking down his nose at me?

All the other kingdoms
have a cathedral.

He could give us minutes!
What's this...

" Britain will be considered barbaric

" until Arthur starts work
on a cathedral!"

Who does he think he is?

The Pope.

Maybe he thinks you're reluctant.

Maybe!
I've other things to do

than build something ft high
that'll cost a fortune!

We haven't much choice.

We won't be called barbarians!

And cathedral builders
are thin on the ground.

You need a real specialist.

Any arsehole who can put
one stone on top of another will do.

If you want stone, you'll get it.
But it'll cost more...

Religious buildings aren't
built in wood any more.

As I said, it's up to you.

But it's stupid...

I do business with a German
who has a sawmill.

If you use pine,
I can get a great deal!

Sire? Are you all right?

Tell me, how many
cathedrals have you built?

I'm just starting up.

Last time I saw you,
you were into sl*ve trading.

Still am.
I've a store on the coast.

But it goes with cathedrals.

If I'm short on site

I can bring in Chinks or Darkies,

whatever I have in stock,

as extra labour.

Are you building much?

You bet!
The God squad says

without a cathedral
you're uncivilised!

There's more to it than that.

Not much.
Want to read out his letter?

Shall we talk details
or settle the money?

See my Egyptian architect
for all the technical side.

Egyptian architect?

A phenomenon! I traded
gladiators for him at Glastonbury.

Apart from the cash,
what do you handle?

The services, the finishing...

- Decoration...
- Services?

It has to have style,
atmosphere...

You can go for something sober,
plain colours,

bare stone, or something

warmer - wall hangings,
statues of naked birds...

- Sire!
- What?

- Not keen?
- About what?

A pine pyramid
done out as a brothel?

It's the Pope
who won't be keen.

or bags of jewels under the table,

your Pope will be off your case.

He's not indifferent to little gifts.

It's a way round the problem.

But you need cash.

And in terms of liquid assets,

we've known better times.

Did you know I lend money
at very decent rates?

What exactly did they say?

They called me names!

Recognise any?

They were peasants.
They were dirty.

If they only insulted you...

- What's got into them?
- They say they're exploited.

Isn't it true?

Yes, but it's weird.
They're not supposed to notice.

You won't budge?

No, I'm in my bath.
Sort it out.

There are - tops.
Blowing their tops!

? Some peasants' revolt!
Can you cope?

Sure! I'll have
the guards butcher them!

- Bravo!
- If I do it, I do it my way!

- What do they want?
- To see you.

- Why?
- They don't get enough respect.

Enough respect?
What do they mean?

It's women's stuff.
My wife's always saying

I lack respect for her.

I don't know what it means.
It's stalemate!

So, what do we do?

Listen and wait
for it to blow over.

In months,
they'll be off again.

If they're out of food,
we get seen right away!

I've never refused to see you.

You see me,
but no one cares what I say.

I might just as well
yell up a pony's arse!

Get on with it.
What exactly is the problem?

You don't care about
peasant conditions.

That's untrue!

- Untrue...
- What is it?

Us personally,
or the government?

They're the same!

No! I don't give a fig about
peasant conditions!

What? It's a disgrace!
Revolt!

Revolt!

- What are you doing?
- Negotiating!

Great work!

While the government

hears your demands.

It's a roundabout way of...

- Why does nothing improve?
- We're busy!

What? Revolt!

Revolt!

We'll burn everything!

You'll have the guards
on your arse!

The harvest will soon get done!

I'm going to negotiate
on my own for a while.

We do -hour days
feeding the toffs!

We freeze our nuts off,

in the mud, dawn till dusk.

By the time we're ,
we're done in! What do we get?

- A kick in the balls!
- Shut up!

Revolt!

Yes!

- You get protection.
- What's that?

invasion attempts were made
last year. Did you know?

More or less...

No one b*rned your farms...

- Pillaged your homes...
- As far as I know.

You supply the food
and you get to stay alive.

At least I'm not sneaky.

Well then, revolt!

It's funny. It's not like you.

What now?

Getting something
by scaring people.

How do you know what I'm like?

You normally rule like a fairy.

" I understand..."

" I'm modern..."

I don't know.

It's because I'm hungry.

Incognito like this,
no one recognised me!

We can't travel openly.

Travel, but sign a treaty?

I didn't know they
wouldn't recognise you!

Of course they didn't!
No crown, no Excalibur, nothing!

- I don't know what to say.
- Don't bother.

I'll go home, get my clothes
and we'll go and sign the treaty!

Can you bring my clothes, too?

You're making a mistake!

I had to put these on
to travel incognito.

They're not mine! I'm King Arthur!

Get a knight to confirm it's me.

You're making a big mistake!
I'd think about it if I were you!

Say I am me and I'm let out.

You'll all be doing hard labour!
I hope you understand that!

But if you open the door,

I'll forget about it.
We'll say no more...

Hurry up!
It stinks in here!

Open the door!

Is anyone there?

Of course there is!
It's me, King Arthur!

What do you want?

I don't believe it!
It's me, King Arthur!

I'm in the jail!
Get down here!

Where are you?

In jail!

I don't go down there much.

Get down here now
or I'll have you quartered!

Coming!

- Who is it?
- Why are you here?

Yvain!
Good timing for once!

My bedroom's above...

- Open the door!
- I can't!

- What?
- I've no keys.

I know that, idiot!
Go and get the jailer!

Why, exactly?

So he can let me out.

I'm not sure...

I steer clear of politics.

Yvain.

You're a well-meaning lad.

In relation to what?

Nothing. In general.
You're well-meaning.

If you say so.

And you're a Knight
of the Round Table.

You're almost family.

I am family.
I'm your brother-in-law.

You're not!
Oh, yes!

- The Queen's brother...
- Yes! One more reason!

I'm your King
and your brother-in-law.

I'm here by mistake.
Do something!

Father says, you never
go to jail by accident.

You do! My own guards
didn't recognise me.

It's terrible, but true.
Open the door.

I'm sorry. I can't shoulder
that responsibility.

If you let me out,

I'll make you King in my place.

Go in.

- Where? The cell?
- Yes. Go in.

Aren't I King?

Yes! Congratulations!

You're King!

- How does it feel?
- It all happened so fast!

You're here?

I've been looking for you for ages.

There's a mouse here.
I won't rest till I've pulverised it!

Shut up!

That's what I get for scouring
the castle for an hour?

Stand here and don't move.

What's this about a mouse?

Come here!

You have to admit,
you're unorthodox.

I loathe mice!
I won't sleep till I've done it in.

- With that mallet?
- So?

You mash mice with a mallet?

It was to hand.
Who cares what it is!

It's the result that counts!
Mallet, arrows... Tried a catapult?

What exactly are you getting at?

Before you lift it up,

the mouse will have eaten
the food and the furniture!

I'll distract it with cheese!

You can juggle,
you won't get it with that!

Scatter, don't chatter.

Can we go to bed, now?

You're stopping it
from coming out!

You've thrown cheese
everywhere!

It's disgusting!

Mice like cheese.

Not this one.
Half a round of cheese

not a sniff of interest!

- What?
- Shut up!

Very nice, I must say.

Shut your trap, will you?

I can hear something.

You heard nothing.
I've had it. I'm going to bed.

Pipe down, or get a whack!

Just you...!

You're right.

Scratching!
I'm not crazy.

It's getting closer.
You have to listen.

- Anyone there?
- I don't believe it!

What are you doing, imbecile!

I smelled cheese!

It's incredible!

Come in or out.
Don't stand there!

What's this on the ground?

It's cheese. It's nothing.

" It's cheese, it's nothing"?
You're kidding!

Prime goat's cheese!
A round like that

takes years to make!

Come here!
Don't be a pain.

I'm sorry.
Respect's due...

I think it went hours ago.

It's there, eating food
in a cupboard, I bet.

In that case,
our cheese is a bit stupid.

It's too salty for mice.
It's even a bit much for me.

I can hear it. Shut up!

- Sure?
- Certain!

It's getting closer.
You can hear it!

- Well...
- The chewing's me.

Who's there?

- Hey!
- I don't believe it!

What's this?
Ajerks' convention?

You smelled the cheese?

No, I wanted a piss.

You piss in the kitchen?

I heard voices.

Don't stand there like
a mushroom! Move!

Funny, all the cheese!

Is that a fondue?

We wait till the mouse appears?

If you talk, it won't.
So if you fancy sleeping...

There it is!

Missed it!

By a whisker!

A goat's milk.

Sire, to what do I owe...?
By what...?

Is something wrong?

No, Sire, it's an honour!

Would you feel easier
if I got rid of the rabble?

Get out, sh*t-shovellers!

- They're fine.
- It's fine, you can stay!

Lucky the King
doesn't have you flayed!

It's the lower classes.

I'm sick of them.

Do you get anything else here?

We get a bit of everything.

Today, for example.

It's mostly tramps today.

But when there's a fair...

- We get merchants.
- Merchants.

And travellers.

Do you get knights?

What kind of knights?

The Round Table kind.

You came to ask that?

To be honest, I can get
goat's milk at the castle.

It happens.

Often?

From time to time, a guy...
A knight, or two,

comes in for a swift half...

I'll be clear.

I suspect my men
spend a lot of time here.

I gave them...

A shaking up?

I bawled them out.

- You're seeing for yourself!
- I feel reassured.

Not a knight to be seen.

- No cause for concern.
- Or, I'm lucky.

Sire, there's a difference
between

knights who get rat-arsed...
They're rare...

Because it happens?

I won't bullshit you, Sire.

There are one or two
who might have

puked their guts up.

You remember who?

I'm useless with names...

Ever thought of stone?

Wood's pretty, but it burns.

Sir Percival and Sir Caradoc.

So, there are
knights who puke and...?

Those who are on patrol,
who protect us!

We've guards for that.
It's not a knight's job.

I didn't know.

Which knight said he was
protecting you?

Percival and Caradoc.

You won't be too hard on them?

They're in for a hiding.

You should know, they never
ask for free drinks.

They've a bar tab this big,
but they owe me!

They don't want freebies.

That they give you half
their capital's no comfort.

They're very polite.
People like seeing them.

- It's prestigious.
- Prestigious?

Percival and Caradoc?

I see why
they're here so often!

I'll be honest with you,

between businessmen.

Take them away,
I lose a third of my income!

They don't just drink.

They eat here every other day.

They come here
every other day?

No, every day.
They eat every other day.

They didn't come today?

No. Yes, this morning
at opening time, then for lunch.

They said they'd be back,
but no...

To work!

Two mugs of ale!

From the gentleman at the back.

Without being a downer,
tonight doesn't look good.

I don't know what's wrong.
I can't breathe.

It's a panic att*ck.

Your mother arrives tomorrow.
You're afraid of her.

I'm not afraid of anything!

You are! You're afraid
of snakes, the dark...

But apart from that...

Apart from that,
you're afraid of your mother.

My mother's not easy either.

- Your mother...
- My mother what?

- Stuff your mother!
- Charming!

We live with yours. I see her
all day. I know her.

We know yours too.
Always the same old song.

"You're the worst King
Britain's ever known.

" If your father was alive,
he'd turn in his grave.

" Pendragon symbolised courage..."
It's all she can say!

She hankers for the old days.
Hardly unusual.

What upsets me most
is that you listen to her.

She makes you feel useless.

She says things to me...

She stares at me
with her snake eyes!

Good journey?

You're not even speaking
to me any more!

You really want to know?

I don't give a toss.

Don't be vulgar!

I don't know...

What did you talk about
in my father's day?

You're speaking
about your father?

Since he'll be brought up anyway,
I thought I'd get in first.

In Pendragon's day,

women weren't allowed
at the King's table.

No kidding!
Not even you?

Not even me.

Wow! That was tough!

You can't imagine.

So, I'm a wimp because
women eat at my table?

I don't have
the spirit of a leader?

No, it's better like this.
You've done well.

What did you say?

You put an end
to misogynistic customs

and that's something

to your credit.

I know the old people
criticize you

for federating races that were
enemies for years.

But after all,

who ended the w*r
in this country of idiots? You!

People say " Pendragon"
but he was no joke, I can tell you.

" Either keep it or k*ll it!"

"A good enemy's
a dead enemy!"

"You turn your back
on me once" . Stock phrases.

And so mean!

If you'd seen!

In days
it's the farmers' festival

in Tintagel.

He'd have given nothing.

You want money!

It's the least a modern King
like you can do!

All right, that's it.

I get it!

You were beginning
to really freak me out!

What does she want?

Maids are always thrusting
plates at one here!

It's stewed fruit.

These meals are endless!

I can stew my own fruit.

What are you smiling at?

Nothing. What do I fork out
for your festival?

I didn't come here to beg!

Less than gold pieces
will look stingy.

Well,
since you ask so nicely...

It's good that you've stopped
looking for the Grail.

Excuse me?

Haven't you given it up?

Certainly not!

I don't know,
since you never find it...

It's looking for it that makes
me King and you Queen!

If I didn't you'd be wiping cows'
bums in your stupid father's farm!

Believe me, the clearing,
the trees, the entrance all fit.

The nice old man wasn't lying.

An old git drooling at you
doesn't mean anything.

- My words exactly.
- The Grail!

The Grail we've been seeking
for so long!

It's within reach,
down this tunnel!

- Doesn't it seem a bit easy?
- I'm convinced.

To prove it, I'll act as scout
on this perilous mission.

I'll go first!

I'd like to see Bors as a scout,
just out of curiosity.

I agree.
It may be a one-off.

We're following you.

I've come to a corner.

So what?

Tell us what you can see.

Much the same as you.

Where does it go?

Why not come and see
for yourselves?

You chose to be
what's known as a scout.

If I have to see everything
for myself, it's meaningless.

Very well...

- The walls are stony.
- Stony?

Made of stone.

What type?

Sire, there's no point
taking all night over it.

There's a corner.

A bend if you prefer,
so it turns,

then it's exactly the same
as before

as far as the eye can see.

- No enemy?
- How do I know?

I can't even see my own boots!

You said it went on
as far as the eye can see?

That's right.

Two feet is as far
as the eye can see.

You're joking.
You say there's no enemy?

There's no enemy
feet in front of me, in any case.

After that,
I'm not qualified to say.

I see.

It's very dark.

Father-in-law, come on!

We'll carry on!

Stay behind me,
brave companions!

I'll lead because
I'm the scout.

And may God keep us
in His Holy care!

Sire!
I think I see a light!

Shut up!

Tell us your life story later.

An opening!
Like a kind of door!

- A kind of door?
- A door, you mean?

Should I open it?

Unless you want to go back
the way we came?

What can you see?

Sire! It's wonderful!

- We're in a palace!
- A palace?

Damn it!

There's a throne. Which
legendary sovereign sat there?

Me.

- Pardon?
- What?

We're in Kaamelott.
In the throne room.

Next time you go looking
for the Grail, count me out!

What a wild goose chase!

What if it means the Grail

is within the castle walls?

Will you shut up?

The irony!
Searching the ends of the earth

for something under our noses!

The ends of the earth?
You've got a nerve!

We're searching. Here's the proof.

We went miles.
It's hardly the ends of the earth!

Hear about the painting?

What painting?

guys painted
"Death to the King" on a wall.

They're questioning everybody!

They won't bother us.

Why not?

We can't write!
We're fine!

Beyond suspicion!

" Death to the King"?

- We didn't mean it!
- Really!

What did you mean?

Nothing.
We were dragged into it.

You know how serious this is?

Writing " Death to the King"?

The others made us do it!

We wanted
to be part of the g*ng.

May I remind you, you're
Knights of the Round Table!

You, Gawain,
are the King's nephew,

you, Yvain, his brother-in-law!

We love our King!
That's not the point!

It had to sound rebellious!

If I'd written,

" Long live King Arthur, the world's
coolest uncle" , it wouldn't work.

We were at the tavern,
doing no harm.

We were accosted
by some youngsters.

What kind of youngsters?

Disreputable.

They had messy hair
and dogs that stank!

Vagrants! Why did
the landlord let them in?

He protested,
but there were lots of them.

The good man
didn't want to pick a fight.

He was already busy enough
with his customers.

They started hassling you?

They called us toffs.

I was so angry,
I gave them a look!

They didn't like
their own medicine!

They took a shine to us
and bought us drinks.

With the money
they'd stolen from us.

They took us to the village.

They told you to write
"Death to the King" .

Which you did.

- Rather than be killjoys.
- It was to fit in.

You got caught,

and they didn't.

They escaped the forces of law.

How will I find them now?

It may be easier to find
one of the stinking dogs.

You caught them all?

Every last one!

One was missing, but
the others squealed on him!

They won't say
our son was with them?

They won't be saying much.

You weren't too tough?

Too tough?

It was stupid,
but they're kids!

- I sold them.
- Sold them?

Venec bought the lot.
He took them all away.

Away where?

I don't know.

- Rome, for the circus games.
- You're crazy!

You should have said something!

How many?

- .
- !

You said, " Make sure

"they don't say
our son's a hoodlum" .

I said " make sure" !
That was all!

So, I made sure!

They caught the painting guys.

Who was it?

Some young idiots.

The youth of today...

Stable backgrounds, education...

They learn to read,
they can't stop...

They learn to write...

It's a slippery slope!

Who's the next grievance?

- Sir Percival.
- What?

I've told him not to complain
at the grievance sessions!

He doesn't know
where else to do it.

He shouldn't do it anywhere!
He should just shut up!

Who's this bunch?

You wanted an audience?

I just spent weeks
on my folks' farm.

- And...?
- My island cousins were there.

Your island cousins?

They visit every years.

- That's them?
- Yes.

My mother says my cousins

are practically tramps

and I should do something
for them at Kaamelott.

Because they're tramps?

My mother says that.
I don't think they are.

But they're really stupid!

This is Ashton, Rudzz,
he's Pyrs,

the one behind's Pyrs too,
I've never known why,

and everyone calls him
"arsehole"!

This is all very nice, but...

How can Kaamelott help you?

I'm meant to find them jobs.

- At Kaamelott?
- You're hopeful!

Not me, my mother.

What do we care about
your mother?

If we took in everyone's
homeless cousins...

I've an idea!

We can't employ
every jerk in the country!

We're broke. If I have to
pay these guys, I've had it.

They'd be happy
with a daily meal!

What's your idea?

I've noticed, Sire,
you've no Royal Guard.

What do you mean by
Royal Guard?

An elite troop to protect you.

Formed from
your dumb cousins?

They're great!
I've started training them.

Attention!

Let's go.

Move it!

Try and get in line.

This is a diplomatic mission.
We've no time for this.

It's fine, they're ready.

They look it.

The Royal Guard uniforms
are quite something!

They're still sewing them.

What do we do with them?

I told you,
my mum's nagging me!

She can hire them herself!

They can't even use a spade!

And this is the Royal Guard?

They've learned
the manoeuvres.

Attention!

Clear off or I'll flatten you!

- Sire!
- I've had enough!

Get out or I'll stone you!

Sire! To scatter them,

say, "Attention"!

What are you up to?

We've been calling you.
Didn't you hear?

Yes, but I can't come.

Why not?

I've had a bit to drink.

What?

- The Vandals are coming!
- I don't do it often!

What happened?

We'd agreed on a truce.

All the Saxon council members
were for it,

except one. A general.

What's he playing at?

- Some more?
- I won't say no.

Easy, Bors,
you're not used to it.

I'm not drunk!

- He can have a drink.
- Do as you like.

I will.

- What about the truce?
- They don't want it.

- Have we the general's name?
- Yes, why?

We shouldn't be
intimidated by a general.

Meaning?

Arrange me a meeting,
for protocol, you know?

I'll go there
and smash his head in.

Thank you for inviting
me to dine, Sir Leodegan.

It wasn't me.
It was my daughter's idea.

Excuse him,
he's blind drunk.

What?

- Aren't you?
- Yes.

You're not eating alone
in the training room.

Many thanks, Lady Seli.

I hadn't noticed you have
blue eyes, Arms Master.

That's because they're brown.

Are you drunk, too?

Absolutely not!
I only drank or glasses.

Without defending her,
the wine's strong today!

I never drink. In my line,

it's a rule.

Health and sobriety.

Your line must be fun.

It can be.

You look like a party animal!

I have been known to drink.
Sometimes,

I've been too pissed
to find my way home!

I was once so drunk

I thought I was being att*cked
from all sides.

I fought and fought...
In fact,

I was in a pasture.
I k*lled goats.

- Something to be proud of!
- A reminiscence...

I was once so rat-arsed

I had " I love grapes"
tattooed on my right buttock!

It's still there!

I once peed
out of the window!

Fair one who holds my life

c*ptive in...

It's like looking
through a spade in here...

Some light!

Lazy bastards!

No one can b*at you
at sleeping...

The Knights of the Round Table.

Knights of my arse!

Aren't I King?

Am I not the King?

And is this nougat?

I'll find the Grail on my own.

I'll have eternal life!
And you can get stuffed!

We've pushed the boat out too far!

Sir Percival!


Try and wake up.

We're not sleeping here like tramps!

Independence for Wales!

There's a woodpecker in my head!
Is that normal?

I'm worried
about the King today.

You mean, more than usual?

It's his health. This morning
he looked terrifying.

He looked terrifying?

He looked terrifying.

Could we use him to scare
the Barbarians?

It's only a cold.

I've had one every winter
since I was little.

As long as your mind's sharp.

It's perfectly sharp.
Taking off my helmet will help.

What helmet?

Funny, it's like
hearing through a helmet.

Sire!

Lady Ygerne
says take this immediately.

My mother?
What is it?

A sulphur-based solution
to dilute and inhale.

She sent me this when
I was little. It's foul!

If it works,
take it like a man!

It works but it's vile. How did
she know I was out of it?

After winters,
maybe she's finally twigged.

Tell the messenger to thank
her and send her my love.

Send it yourself. She's waiting
at the camp gates.

One nostril then the other.
Don't pretend. I'm watching!

I'd forgotten how much it stinks!

You've been told repeatedly,
you should spend

the winter quietly, in the warm,
taking walks in dry weather.

Time's running out.
Lady Ygerne...

Get away from here!

- But, Sire...
- He's awaiting my orders.

Don't take your nose
out of that bowl until it tingles.

It's not only tingling,
it's nauseating!

Arthur! I said minutes!

- You said when it tingles.
- I say when it's tingling.

May I ask how you crossed
the enemy lines unnoticed?

I came with Lady Clodoric.

That's the Barbarian chief's name.

You came with his wife?

No, his mother.
You may not remember,

Clodoric and you took
the same cold cure as kids.

A red-haired boy with plaits.
Puny-looking...

- Now you mention it...
- If it's him...

- He's still red-haired, but not puny.
- That's true.

He's feet tall
and weighs lbs.

It proves
he listened to his mother.

You can fight
when you're well.

- And if the enemy moves?
- Have they signalled?

What kind of signal?

red flags, crossed,
white in a V, repeated times?

The lookouts report nothing.

Those aren't w*r signals.
What do they mean?

That Lady Clodoric allows
her Barbarian son out to fight.

My men have to see me.
They'll start asking questions.

They're worried.

Just minutes.
And I'm wrapping you up.

I'm not sure it helps the men
seeing you like this.

It seems quiet. I'm going back.

You've time. She said minutes.

But this is different.

She's making honeyed goat's milk,
with spices and savory.

I like that. It's good.

With bread and butter?

What's this plonk?

- We changed supplier.
- Well worthwhile!

It's a joke?

You won't admit we're facing
a real farming crisis!

Don't start that. We're here
to talk wine! It was fine before.

- Sure! It came from Rome!
- It should be, at that price!

You could at least support
the small local farmers as well.

I'll support anything,
but the wine's foul!

It isn't!
Don't play the gourmet!

There are good things,
if you work at them!

You have to get used
to the fruit.

The sun's different in Rome.
Our grapes are more acidic.

And a bit sharper.

Sharper or sourer?

Sharper.

I'd have said sourer.

Sharper and sourer.
Let's be honest.

Sour, yes...

- Which one's this?
- Mine.

Last year's vintage.

No, mine. We've had yours
times. We nearly threw up!

It's a conspiracy!

We've brought quality goods,
you bring dishwater!

Don't exaggerate!

It's this year's vintage.
Young but made with love.

It's sh*t!

Must we waste our time on
any hick who thinks he's a farmer?

- What?
- Hold it!

Stop shouting, please!

You've got a wine
from my vineyards there.

What do you think of it?
Isn't it a wonder?

It's revolting.

You're right.
Only mine hits the spot.

The grape's not everything,
you need a knack.

I'll knack you if you want!

- Trouble's brewing!
- Which is yours, Guethenoc?

The one in front of you.

- I've tried that one.
- You've tried them all.

No use spending
all week over it.

No one's better than the others.
They're sh*t. Goodbye.

To the health
of British wine-growers!

Sir Caradoc,

what do you think of this?

- Don't say anything.
- It's sh*t!

Well done, Sir Caradoc!

Yours is sh*t, too.

Sire,

you're one hell of a sovereign!
Inviting peasants,

who smell of sh*t to your castle.
Well dung.

And buying all our wine,
seeing what sh*t it is,

that's a noble gesture.

Well dung.
I raise my glass to our Sovereign!

Our Sovereign!

We...

We fratten the flute with...

Our own fair...

We have feet!

Your own fair feet!

They may bleed, but we carry on!

Can I hug you, Sire?

Me too!

- Sire?
- What?

When in mortal danger, like now,
do you think of the Queen?

The Queen?
Why would I think of her?

I'm half done for,
I've enough to worry about!

So, we live to fight another day!

- It went well.
- It's encouraging.

We're on the right track.

Massive progress in synchronisation.

The new instructor
understood right away.

Lots of work to do
on formations,

charge patterns
and above all...

Synchronisation.
Still a few signalling blunders...

The flag system
will always be the big problem.

- Outflanking the archers...
- They misunderstood the code.

Apart from that, well done.
See you soon!

Good night, Sire.

Try and get some rest.

Don't worry.
I'll sleep for days!

What time do you call this?

What's it to you?

Surprise!

What's all this?

I got so bored waiting for you
I went and got

your mistresses to amuse me!

They're supposed to amuse me!

- We don't mind.
- We were bored too.

Bored to tears!

So we're all here,

all girls together.
Chatting.

Great! I've not slept for hours.
A kip wouldn't go amiss!

We'll make you a space!

It's fine.
I'll find an empty room.

We've been waiting all night!

- You're going too far.
- We were worried.

- We thought you were dead.
- You don't seem too upset.

Come to bed.
Don't be so difficult.

- You'll let me sleep?
- Yes! Come on.

We've empty rooms
and we all end up in one!

It's friendlier!

- Turn round.
- What?

You're kidding!
We've seen you naked before!

But all of you together
is embarrassing.

Turn round.

Then, guess who arrived
in the big hall?

The Duchess of Aquitaine!

- sh*t!
- What's wrong?

You've woken me up times.
I'm getting fed up!

- Will you shut up?
- If we can't even have fun...

Have fun in the woods!
I have to sleep!

Many would be glad
to find girls in their bed!

In that case,
go and loll about with them!

Speaking of beds, know what
Angharad, my following, said?

When she was cleaning
on the th floor

she saw a man and a woman
leave one of the rooms.

She didn't recognise them,
but the bed in the room

was completely broken!

That was me.

- You?
- Who with?

You don't know her.

Yet another fine battle.

Yes, real progress.

- The code...
- That was the only thing...

- It was sticky.
- Sticky.

Good night, Sire.

Good night.

- I can't go into my room.
- Why not?

There are chicks all over the place.

Chicks?

They're mine. It's no problem.
But tonight, no thank you!

Sire!

- Percival?
- May I wish you a Happy Birthday!

- Thank you!
- Have a good day!

- It's nowhere near my birthday!
- What?

Never mind.
Get lost!

- Know what Lancelot told me?
- Sir Lancelot.

We missed Lady Mevanwi's
birthday last week.

- Really?
- Sir Caradoc complained.

And we missed Sir Galessin's
this winter.

How silly.

People are going to get cross.

I've other things to do than
remember birthdays!

Why don't I look after it?
Say yes!

Would you calm down!

I could start by writing down
all the dates!

What nonsense!

In King Hoel's court,

the subjects can ask
a favour on their birthday.

King Hoel does that?

Absolutely!

I'll see to everything.
Say yes!

Sir Lancelot and I realised

we're missing
people's birthdays.

Because we don't
have everyone's birth dates!

Today we're going to visit everyone
and note them down.

Then we'll be sure
not to miss any.

I'm fine.
I'd rather not.

- What?
- Don't you like birthdays?

Not much.

What are you on about?

You must like birthdays!
Everyone does!

Not me. You have to celebrate them
year after year...

They just get me down.

- I've never heard that before.
- I was so happy!

You can celebrate birthdays,
just not mine!

- You're not ashamed of your age?
- Surely not?

No, but I'm no spring chicken.
You're still young.

You're painting things black.
You're not as old as that.

I'm almost ...

How old?

. In three weeks.

- Good Lord!
- How's that possible?

I'm half demon.
We're different.

In Demonic years I'm almost .

Old enough for a mogriave.

What's that?

It's like a dog, but really ugly.

- What's this claptrap?
- Claptrap?

About your age.
Who are you kidding?

It's not my fault!

You're telling me
you're years old?

Not quite.
But what does it matter?

This year, my subjects receive
their age in gold. You know that!

I'd no idea.
It's a stupid idea, too!

- It wasn't mine!
- You asked my age!

! Why not ,
or a million! No one will check!

There were no records then.

So, you won't see reason!
You're still ?

Not quite.

Well, old chap, get stuffed!
You'll get a pair of sandals

and that's that!

It's not fair!

Or, I'll give you your age
in dung carts. Happy?

- Do you believe it?
- What?

Merlin's age. .
Do you believe it?

- He's quite capable of it.
- What do we do?

A gold piece for every years.

It's a bit stingy.

dung carts, then.

He's fine about it.

- Sire!
- We need to talk.

- It's very important!
- Crucial!

- Sire!
- We really have to talk to you!

Don't be stupid, Sire! Open up!

Knock once more on this door,
you'll both get a punch.

If I were you, I'd listen to you!

No, if I were us, I'd...

If I were you, I'd listen to you!

No, it's if I were you.

- Listen. We're very upset.
- Very upset!

What if I don't want to?

- It's up to you.
- Honestly, if I were us...

No, if I were you,
I'd listen to you.

- There.
- I'm sick of that phrase.

If I were you, I'd hop it.
You're a whisker away from jail!

We just came to complain!

It's still the same.

Even if you've brought buns,
I don't want to see you!

Open up!
We're very upset!

This is no time
to turn a blind eye!

- A deaf ear.
- What?

- No time to turn a deaf ear.
- What did I say?

Nothing. But "turn a blind eye"
is wrong in this context.

We think we merit a hearing!

You merit nothing.
Hop it!

You use us willy-nilly
to achieve the aim.

- What?
- What do you mean?

I don't understand.

You use us willy-nilly
to achieve the aim.

" I use you willy-nilly
to achieve the aim?"

- Exactly.
- It's intolerable!

I use you against your will
to achieve my aims?

- That's better.
- It's more gradual.

- Clearer?
- Yes, clearer.

I understand you
much better now!

- I was thinking that!
- Much quicker, anyway!

- It's more filiform.
- Fluid.

All right, I'm listening.

How do I use you against
your will to achieve my aims?

I've completely forgotten.

Sire! Open up!

I remember why you
use us thingummyjig.

Open up!
We're very upset!

You've seconds!

- You use us for the Grail quest.
- We should have started there.

- Meaning?
- Your thing's the Grail.

Don't deny it!
You're always on about it.

The Grail here, the Grail there,
the Grail here, the Grail there...

We're only here
to look for it!

- That's true!
- That's why we're upset!

Without the Grail,
you wouldn't be here!

Nor would I!
It's why I built Kaamelott!

- And we're looking for it.
- How handy for you!

- Without it, you'd be hicks.
- How's that?

You'd have a hut and goats,
that's all.

That's one way of looking at it.

- Sire, open up!
- We're very upset!

All right, I'm using you. Go to bed!

- What?
- You use us?

I admit it! Go away!

To achieve your aims?

Don't worry, I take responsibility.
Hop it!

Good night, Sire!

My daughter and I are fed up!
We're off home!

Campaigns
aren't country rambles.

You're right there!

- Take the ladies back, incognito.
- Incognito?

- Dressed as commoners.
- For your safety.

I won't forget this outing!

You brought us to a dive!

I'm sorry, Lady Seli.

You insisted on getting warm.

It's not very clean.

Clean?
We're sitting in a slurry pit!

I can't bear these old rags!

They're grubby, too.

The peasants are angry.
Disguise is vital.

If they knew
you were travelling about

you'd be open to att*ck.

Can't you protect us
from hicks?

Mother,
please don't be unpleasant!

When " hicks" go into action,
there are never !

- What do I look like!
- Why don't we get a drink?

What brings you here?
Passing through?

- What's it to you?
- Lady Seli!

We're travelling.

You're visiting Stonehenge.

- None of your business.
- Lady Seli!

- We're going back to Kaamelott.
- No... visiting it.

I thought they'd stopped visits.

Too many thefts!
Not a vase or tapestry left!

What do you know?

I heard all the brass was taken.

In particular a wonderful
little dish with flowers,

for keeping gems in.

I've never set foot in Kaamelott.

Luckily.

I don't know why but the sight
of toffs gives me wind.

"The sight of toffs"?

We mustn't keep you
from your customers.

Clear off.
Give us some air!

It seems Kaamelott's beautiful.
A real wonder.

The stonework, yes.

But the jokers inside
are a different kettle of fish!

- What? That's too much!
- Lady Seli, be quiet!

Why do you say that?
They might be very nice.

People would know
if they were!

Between King Arthur,
who can't find his Grail

and the Queen,
who's as daft as a brush...

I've had enough, I'm off.
I'd rather freeze.

Wait for the storm to stop.

And if it lasts days?
Do we take half board?

I can't help the weather!

- Can't you say anything?
- I've nothing to say.

You don't, when you're
as daft as a brush!

Be quiet!

You'll get done in!

We could get done in?

Well done, escort!
What a champion!

Know what the escort says?

Why the change in attitude?

Are you forgetting
you're talking to filthy toffs!

Daft as a brush doesn't mean that!

- Mean what?
- That you're stupid.

What else could it mean?

It means like a brush, you're pretty...

- Pretty?
- Well...

You're passive but practical.

You don't say much,
but without you

the floor would be all dirty.

You must think I'm really daft!

You might warn me before
taking away the pillows!

- I don't believe it!
- What is it?

What did you do with it?

- What?
- Excalibur isn't in its sheath!

No one's to touch my sword!
It's magic!

Are you're completely potty?

What would I do with it?

Nothing!
You leave it alone!

I didn't touch it!
You didn't put it away, that's all.

Come off it!
I always put it back.

- Says Mr. Tidy!
- I am with this. Don't say I'm not!

But you don't know
where you left it!

Your daffy maid's been
poking around again!

My daffy maid says, like hell!

She's had things taken too.
And so have I.

- What?
- Play the innocent.

Which new conquest
will be getting my silver comb?

Blimey!
Why the long faces?

We've a serious problem.
You shouldn't laugh.

Everything's
a disaster with you.

This is disastrous.

We've been victims
of a vile larceny.

- Of what?
- Theft.

It's no surprise. This place
is a gruyere. Not a door shuts,

the guards are always asleep.

Since when have you
seen to security here?

- I speak my mind.
- We don't care!

Sorry.

The problem is,
Excalibur's missing.

Your magic sword?

- sh*t!
- It's catastrophic!

To find out who did it,
we thought you might...

Since you have contact with...

All the good-for-nothings
in the place.

Maybe you can give us a hand.

- What would you do without Venec?
- We wonder.

It was when and where?

Last night, here at the castle.

Kaamelott...
Yes, it's my guys.

I didn't ask them
to get Excalibur especially.

These guys do big houses.
I've formed them into a guild.

They weren't optimising
productivity.

Excalibur's currently with you?

No, I don't receive everything.
Where would I put it?

But I can find it for you.

I must confess,
that would help me out.

I'll see what I can do.

- How much will you pay?
- What?

That's scandalous!

My guys have to live!

What do they do
if they can't sell it?

That's not our problem!

Give it back, or the Gods
will punish you!

- The Gods?
- Excalibur isn't a butter Kn*fe.

Keep it, you'll be cursed
for generations.

We'll work something out.

Otherwise,
how much would you pay?

My little silver comb!

You got it from the bandits?

I know you like it.

It was a gift from my father.

It's worth a fortune.

You must have ruined yourself!

They only wanted bronze pieces.

I think I was ripped off.

Venec says it isn't silver, it's...

It's junk.

Do you mind that your mother's
meeting your mother-in-law?

It doesn't make me jump for joy.

They represent tribes
who've fought for years.

All that's old news.
You'll see, it'll be fine.

Mother said, if my ancestors
are insulted, I'll slit my wrists.

But you're right, it'll be fine.

" ...for the reunification of the people
and glory of Britain."

- That's done.
- The cup.

Let's drink the wine of fraternity.

It's symbolic.
Take a swig and it's done.

That's great...
The map!

- The new borders are in yellow.
- That's right.

Mum, Mum-in-law...
If you'd like to take a look.

What's wrong?
What did I say?

" Mum-in-law" in front of an enemy?
Why not "granny" or "auntie"?

Let's not start play-acting!
Was I wrong?

Avoid calling me " mum".

The new borders are in yellow.
I know what you'll say:

The northern border has
moved back into Pict territory.

Before you start yelling,

the eastern hills of Tintagel
have been ceded...

To the Picts.
So, it's even.

- I expected a fuss.
- The worst is almost over.

You've never called me mum,
and now it pops out!

" Mum-in-law"!
You really lose the plot sometimes.

I don't know...
I'm feeling perky!

Reunification treaties
are usually good things!

With a banquet and tournament!

You two don't exactly
make one want to party!

These new borders...

How can you be sure
we'll agree?

- Whether you agree or not...
- You've signed. They're set.

Why ask our opinion,
with your map?

We're explaining what you signed.

- We asked your opinion!
- And if we don't agree?

- You did!
- You signed!

I protest against
this shameful manipulation!

Likewise!

I asked for cultivable land,
you've given me stones!

That's the Land of the Ancients!

Leave it to the Ancients
and give me the plain!

Where do I graze our horses?

Put them in the stone fields,
give them calcium!

- I'll give you a bit of coast.
- All right.

- This bit.
- Not the beach, the rocks.

The ugly bit, you mean?

The ugly bit.
You're lucky to get anything!

It's impossible.
We can't agree.

- Damn, that's too bad.
- You've already signed.

We've changed our minds.

No, we keep the new map.

Fight for another years
and we'll see later.

What do we do? Stay at w*r?

After years,
it's all the guys can do.

If they stop fighting
and keep eating...

They'll soon be obese...

And lazy! w*r keeps them busy.

Lazy, obese...

In other words,
stupid bastards!

What are you doing here?

- Joining you!
- We've come to help.

We've a message for you.

- What does it say?
- You're joining me.

- What are you doing here?
- I live here!

- You were to wait at Carmelide!
- News to me!

Vikings are threatening
the northern coast!

I'm not traipsing back again!

But I sent you a pigeon!

Sire! A message
of the utmost importance!

- King Hoel's father is dead!
- Again?

I don't understand.

- Didn't he die last month?
- They made enough fuss.

Might the pigeons
be screwing up?

Sire,
our majestic messengers,

our faithful,
incorruptible partners...

Maybe they're sick.
With all the pollen...

- Lancelot!
- I was looking for you.

Me too. Listen to this.
"Comply or die."

- What do you say?
- Who sent it?

The Saxons. Who else?

Hear this: "We give in.
Arturus victorious, King of Britain!"

- Who sent that?
- I'd say the Saxons.

- They don't call me Arturus.
- What do they call you?

They don't. They just want
to raze the country!

- The Saxons didn't write yours.
- Why not?

They've no reason to.

"Comply or die."
It's their style.

Except, they left
yesterday morning.

The Saxons have gone?

The scouts say
they abandoned their camp.

I don't understand.

They've retreated.
My message confirms it!

The Saxons don't call me
Arturus!

Who cares what they call you!
It adds up!

Balls! Enemies of Rome
call me Arturus.

It's the Visigoths.

Your pigeon's duff.
This is months old!

So, the Saxons ordered us
to comply, then went home?

Maybe my pigeon's
as useless as yours!

We have to fix this.
If a real battle kicks off

and we can't send messages,
we'll look stupid.

"You can go and..."

Can you read this?

"You can go and get stuffed."

It's signed...
It's from me!

Bravo! And what am I
supposed to stuff myself over?

- I forget now.
- When did you send it?

That depends.
Maybe for the wedding.

Whose wedding? Mine?

- Not mine!
- Mine, I could get stuffed?

That was to begin with.
I was against it.

But then I saw
the political advantages...

- It can't be that old.
- Or it was the loan.

- Loan?
- The one you asked for.

I never got an answer!

There you are.

- It's not true!
- We're joining you!

We've a message.

It says you're arriving in days.

Do we go home and come back?

No need. Stay there.

- Where, Uncle?
- Here. Sit down.

I'll go on.
You join me in days.

Why's that old mule tied
by the main gate?

It stinks like nothing on earth!

It's Caradoc's brother's.

- He has a brother?
- Yes, but he's not the same.

Meaning?

Caradoc's a great brain.
Next to him, his brother...

He's a real moron!

Sire!

Caradoc,
there's never a chef in here.

Do you let them in occasionally?

We worked out a schedule.
It's all organised.

This is my brother,
Cadoc.

- Greetings.
- Who's that?

It's King Arthur!
Pay your respects!

I pay your respects,
King Arthur.

Sorry, he's a bit slow.

What's he doing here?

I promised Dad
I'd show him round.

I can be days not at home
and then at home.

But there's the trip.

Not only my aunt,
but I tend the beasts, too.

He goes home in days.

- Give him a Kn*fe to eat with.
- No!

I keep the Kn*fe. He'd hurt
himself and att*ck people.

Sire, while you're here,

I've a little favour to ask you.

What kind?

I'd like you to make my brother
a Knight of the Round Table.

You've got a nerve!

He's no help at home.
He drives them crackers.

Quackers, like ducks!

When I go home, they try
to fob him off on me.

Like you're doing now?

He could be an advantage to us.

In what way, may I ask?

He never sleeps.

- Really?
- It's a peculiarity.

The Druids say that's why he's...

He's what?

Since he never sleeps,
the brain has no time to...

While you, who sleeps till noon,
your brain...

It doesn't matter.

What good's a knight like him?

He can guard your door.
He won't fall asleep!

That's one thing,
but can he fight?

- No!
- I won't put him on guard.

Put him with a real guard
to keep him awake.

Butter the dish
to stop food sticking.

Take him home to your folks.

- I was looking for you!
- I've no time now.

The Saxons have
entered our territory.

- I know!
- Baddies?

That's what I came
to talk about.

- Wasn't your brother going home?
- Your brother?

A finger up a cock's bum
tests for wind.

- What?
- It's normal.

I enlisted my brother in the army.
He's in today's detachment.

- You're kidding!
- In what corps?

The archers, I think.
We can always move him.

- You did that?
- We'll see how it goes.

Which academy did he attend?

None. Technical
explanations make him faint.

I hear it wasn't too bad.

We thrashed them,
but we were against .

- Did you get stuck in?
- No.

How about your arm?

It was one of our new recruits.

At one moment, he turned round
and sh*t at me!

We grilled him, but we couldn't
understand a word he said!

- And then you join in.
- With the same thing?

Yes, it's a round. You do
the same as me, but later.

No!

- I have to start first.
- Right.

Sire, at least explain why!

I always organise the Spring Fair.
You've never complained.

- It's just...
- We're changing the tone.

In what way? A fair's a fair!

This is the Spring Fair.
We'll try and stick to the theme.

Stick to what?

Up to now,
it wasn't badly done,

but we ate and drank like pigs.
The Spring part was a bit vague.

Not a flower to be seen!

I can give you flowers,
no problem.

Thank you, Venec,
I'm taking over.

We'll call you for the Pig Fair.

At the Pig Fair
you eat and drink like pigs!

But then it fits the theme.

Everyone joins in, it's delicious.
You'll be delighted.

Would you calm down?

Sir Leodegan is going
to give us his suggestion.

I didn't have much time
to think about it.

- Who's that?
- He's all I could find.

- What'll you do with him?
- Burn him.

What? You're joking!

You said,
"Something festive" .

What's it to do with Spring?

I don't know.
It's an outside event.

The Spring. Nature awakes,
birds return, we burn some guys...

Thank you,
we'll find something else.

I've other things to do
than drag this arsehole around.

Let us now welcome
Lady Seli.

I've something
that's not too gross.

A tart with onions, cabbage,
celery and spices.

- So?
- It's interesting.

Interesting that you can make
something so foul...

- With normal ingredients.
- Foul?

It is rather odd.

It's like eating earth
with dung and gravel.

It smells of hens, but it's
celery and onions. Incredible!

Lady Nature, will I ne'er find
favour in your eyes?

Nay, artful little insect.
Life is like a wave,

cool and wet,
like a shower.

But ne'er will you, nay?

Will you opt for a graceful Spring?
Cool as a shower?

Nay, artful insect.

Come nibble
Lady Nature's dishes.

Favour in your eyes.

It's... How can I put it?
Fresh.

It's to do with Spring.

- It's good. We'll have it.
- Awesome!

- Thank you, Uncle.
- We can't wait!

Do we start again?

- Arthur.
- Yes?

- Listen to me.
- It's you?

Yes, you have to go
to the Perilous Cave.

Aren't you appearing today?

No, not today.

Where do I go now?

- I'm here.
- Good.

I think I've been here already.

Be guided by your destiny.

Can't you give me a hand?

I've been going in circles
for an hour.

Can you hear me?
This is annoying!

- I'm here! I'm looking.
- At what?

Where you are! I don't know
how you got there.

You said it was fine!

It is. At least, I think so.
Just give me a minute...

Take all the time you need!

I'd rather wait than
chase around here.

Did you go right?

When?

I don't know.

You say "go right" ,
I go right,

then you say,
"I don't know where you are" !

You're illogical! You go blindly
without finding landmarks!

I don't need them.
You're guiding me!

I have to!
You're hopeless!

You're not guiding anyone!
You're more lost than me!

I said,
"Be guided by your destiny, Arty."

Why are you calling me Arty?

I'm your conscience. It's more
intimate. You don't listen anyway.

What do know about my destiny?

You have to concentrate.
Listen to your instinct.

My instinct says to get out
and go home to bed!

If it's like that,
you can guide yourself!

You got me in here,
you can get me out!

I'm not going round the place
times!

I can't!
I don't know where you are!

I don't believe it!

When I said " right" ,
where did you take it?

sh*t! Will that do?

You're not going to sulk!

Arthur!

I thought you'd gone and left me!

You know
I'm always there for you.

I know.
That's why I was worried!

I will never leave you, Arty.

When you call me that,
you're my conscience?

Let's just get you out of here.

I'm listening.

What does your instinct tell you?

Don't start all that again!

Keep calm and tell me
what your instinct dictates.

Nothing! It doesn't dictate anything!
I've told you times!

If you shout, I'm going.

Go, then.
What do I care?

I say, get me out of this pit,
since you got me into it,

and you go on about instinct!
I've had enough!

Have you gone again?

- Arty!
- What?

- I've a mission for you.
- You can keep it!

I'm sorry. I took days getting out
last time.

Have you gone again?

What's that?

- A Sleep potion.
- Did Merlin make it?

Yes.

- Does it work?
- Yes.

No, but it's quite nice.

Heard about Merlin's
extraordinary discovery?

- Merlin?
- An extraordinary discovery?

Our Enchanter has made
an Invincibility potion!

- What?
- Does it work?

Apparently it's wonderful!

Lady Mevanwi
took a few drops

and was able to plunge her hand
into boiling water!

- Lady Mevanwi?
- She tested it?

Yes, surprisingly.
It seemed strange to me, too.

He tests his potions
on ladies of the court?

- It's still an achievement.
- Of course.

We should celebrate
Merlin's talent.

Thanks to him, we'll never
lose another battle!

If it's true,
we'll certainly throw a party.

- We're not interrupting your work?
- No.

We don't want to disturb you.

We just wanted a quick word.

Feel free!
You're the bosses!

First of all, well done.

Well done for what?
Everything?

Screw up, we complain,
but succeed and we'll praise you.

We're so happy,
we're praising you big time!

Tomorrow, a public demonstration
in the market place!

- What do you say?
- What will you be demonstrating?

- What?
- You'll be demonstrating your spell!

What are you on about?

You made an Invincibility spell.

You're talking about that!

Of course! What else?

It was a mistake.

What do you mean?

I'd mis-labelled the phials.
I was making Mevanwi

a sore throat potion.
I messed up.

It wasn't an Invincibility potion?

Yes, but I can't redo it.
I re-labelled the phials.

- You're joking!
- The demonstration?

I've a pal who drinks
milk through his nostrils.

Good people,
hold your breath.

The great Merlin,
Enchanter of Britain,

will demonstrate his powerful
Invincibility potion.

A small correction...

The great Merlin
will demonstrate

his famous Spark spell.

In fact,

a flame from Hell will...

An ordinary flame will appear,
as if by magic...

No, by magic...

In the palm
of the Enchanter's hand.

Good people, our Enchanter
says, normally he can do it,

but this time
it's obviously not working.

- I'm sorry.
- But, Sire...

- In front of everyone?
- I'm not proud.

A guy walked by with a pail of sh*t.

It isn't good for his reputation.

No, but it's good for my nerves.

You don't piss
against the chapel wall!

days camping out
to take the guys by surprise

and they see us!
If we'd just turned up with men,

we'd be home in bed by now!

Subtle strategies
unsettle some people.

We were seen, not unsettled!

We could try approaching
from the south-east.

They know we're here.
They'll be waiting.

- We're out of time.
- Out of time?

Father Blase said, "Sunday,
first mass in our chapel" !

- sh*t, I'd forgotten.
- We have to go now.

If we go home, I'm off to bed,
mass or no mass!

Calogrenant, you stay.
You're not Christian.

Try from the south-east.

How do you become Christian?

Tell me honestly,
what did you think?

It wasn't bad...

We need to get used to it.

Kaamelott's first Christian mass!
It's moving...

- Yes, it was very...
- I expected more people.

It wasn't very full.

It'll take time to catch on.
Not everyone speaks Latin.

That might be a problem...

We speak Latin and...
it's not that it's boring,

but you have concentrate!

- I was watching the others...
- And...?

A couple stayed awake
till the end.

Some people were asleep?

Too right! They don't understand
what you're saying.

They don't have to.
There's the whole ritual.

It's true,
it's very atmospheric.

Does it all have to be in Latin?
Why not - ?

At a pinch, we could make mass
compulsory, then they'll all come.

Once they're here, I don't care
if they understand or not.

We're useless at covert action!

Maybe they're good!

How do they do it?

They could sniff out truffles!

We could still go back
to the clearing

where there's only of them,
and do them in, quietly.

Quietly?

Quickly and without yelling
when it's done!

We'd better not mess up.
If one whines...

- They'll be at us, to .
- But, Sire...

- What about the Father's words?
- Words?

At the mass. I thought he said,
"Thou shalt not k*ll" .

Really? I don't remember
anything like that.

I'm no expert in Latin.

He didn't mean it for us.

"Thou shalt not k*ll" .
What do we do?

No, it's just...

"Thou shalt not k*ll..."
Let's go.

It went well today!

We wondered if
once a week isn't too much.

No.

- We think it is.
- I don't think so.

You're used to it. It's too much.
We'll space it out.

But how?

We'll space it out completely.

Look at the little ladybird.

- Why do that?
- I thought it was bugging you.

I didn't say,
"Look at the little ladybird!"

Isn't that what you said?

The enemy camp's miles away.

- Are they surrendering?
- Yes. They're scared stiff.

Catapults may cost a lot,
but they're impressive!

- sh*t!
- What is it?

- I left your present behind.
- What present?

When they surrender
they give the enemy chief something.

- Do we care?
- They'll take it badly.

What do we care?
They're surrendering.

If we don't get the gift,
they may not surrender!

- What is it?
- A goat.

- What?
- A kid. They're precious to them.

- Hicks!
- What do I want with a goat?

It's called "Shut up" because
it kept bleating when it was born.

All right...

- Are you going to explain?
- About...?

About that.

It's to do with protocol.
I don't think it interests you.

Protocol, no. But I'd love to know
why there's a goat in my bed.

Let's say, it was a gift.

- People give you goats?
- I get lots of things.

Put it in the goat pen, will you?

It has to be bottle-fed.
It left its mother too early.

It must be peckish.

You realise you're bringing
goats into my room?

I'm not bringing "goats" !
If this disgusts you,

go home to your dad.
Farm life's healthy!

Bravo! Very classy!
All to avoid explanations!

I don't have to explain.
This is my home.

If you weren't my mistress,
you'd be sorting chard for soup!

Being your mistress means
not living like a hick.

I can sleep with goats at home!

No one's stopping you!

We're fine aren't we, sweetie?
Easy, now.

You're not easy.

- What's its name?
-"Shut up" .

- What is it?
- Do something! I'm going mad!

- Do what?
- Your goat won't stop bleating!

- I can't hear anything.
- It's been keeping me awake!

- You're not exaggerating a bit?
- There!

There he is!

- We know whose side you're on!
- Stop moaning!

Will you put that thing outside?

If I put every troublemaker outside,
you'd get a lot of fresh air!

Take your animal
and sleep in your room.

Shut up!

- What?
- There he is.

I wonder who you like best!

What's the difference
between you two?

I don't think I'm going to like this.

The goat bleated for minutes.
You've gone on for hours.

- Very smart.
- Shut up...

And that name!

No, I was talking to you.

What's wrong?
Aren't you asleep?

I think someone's walking
in the corridor.

- Walking?
- I have to go and see.

Do like anyone else,
shout " Help" and call the guard.

I may be dreaming. How will I look
if I wake the guard for nothing?

Guards!

It's all right,
I managed in the end.

We'll be reviewing nocturnal
intervention manoeuvres tomorrow.

I think
they might be improved!

The k*ller was sent
by a group of angry chieftains!

Those chieftains are bastards!

Let's not generalise...

What's their problem? They pay
no tax and we send them food!

We b*rned their hit-man.
He'll be easy to get home.

Which clans do they come from?

They all put their symbols on here.

- They're not afraid!
- They put their symbols?

I don't know all the symbols
by heart...

- It's fine.
- What is?

- Don't try to decipher them.
- Let me see.

- Maybe there are some Welsh ones!
- We'll ask if we need you!

- Give me the paper.
- No!

- Hand it here!
- Why? It's symbols!

Give me the paper!

You always have to shout.

That's that bastard,
I forget his name...

That's that guy I always loathed,
with the striped shield.

And that one,
with the red snakes...

That's more than a clan.
It's Carmelide!

- Carmelide?
- What?

- Aren't you King of Carmelide?
- Yes.

I wasn't there the day
they planned the att*ck.

I was...

Where was I?

I get the feeling
you've taken this badly!

- Badly? No.
- I'm not so sure...

No, it's for me.

I feel much easier...

You should swallow your pride.

I don't see what
pride has to do with it.

Someone wants to end your days,
you take it badly.

Without taking it badly, it's true,
I didn't expect a plot from you.

- "A plot" .
- That's what it's called.

Taken out of context,
it seems like a big deal.

- Didn't you try to do me in?
- Not directly.

Indirectly,
didn't you try to do me in?

Indirectly, yes. It sounds
different when you say it.

I was wrong to get involved
with all those hicks.

I freely admit it.

I wanted to please them.
They exploited my naivety.

I just can't say no!

You know my problem?

I'm too nice.

- I have to receive someone.
- Right now?

- Yes, it's important.
- All right.

I put it badly. I have to receive
someone. Will you go away?

- You wanted me?
- I need to talk to you.

One to one?

Not particularly.
I happen to be alone.

I just saw Father Blase leaving.

He was here.
He had something to do.

You asked him to leave.

I don't need
to talk to you alone!

If I sent him out, I'm alone,
we're one to one!

The guards are here.

That's true.
Guards, leave us, please!

Don't think about it!
I say leave, you leave!

They're starting to piss me off!

- Now we're one to one.
- sh*t!

- It's a bit tricky.
- I'm listening.

Yes, but it's tricky.

- You can tell me anything.
- I know.

Sometimes I have to go away.
And then...

What you do outside your duties
is none of my business!

It's nothing to do with that.
Try not to interrupt...

- Sorry.
- We'll never finish.

- I'm listening.
- I go away. And when I do,

they say -
this is only what I'm told -

that my wife, the Queen,
and you

spend a significant amount
of time together.

- When you're away?
- This is what I'm told.

It's not completely untrue.

- Apart from the security aspect...
- Security?

It's normal someone
should protect the Queen.

Of course.
It's obvious.

Apart from that, I provide
an attentive receptacle

for her profoundest questioning.

I don't understand.
What does she find?

- I'm her confident.
- I see!

I'm not interested in that.

The thing is, we can't stop
people gossiping.

- Which people?
- All the people.

When they see
that the Queen and you

spend lots of time together
while I'm away...

- There's gossip.
- It seems inevitable.

Yes, but it's annoying.

But, you yourself, Sire...

With people telling you things...

I hope you've never imagined I...
With the Queen...

Sire...

Sorry, I was miles away.

Try to be careful.
You can go.

Sir Lancelot, one more thing!

Sire?

Do you talk about me with the Queen?

- Won't you answer?
- The thing is...

Would you be angrier
if we did or didn't talk about you?

Both would be as bad.

Let's say, it depends.

- Why can't I have a dog.
- Aunty said no.

It's just to kick!

You don't kick dogs
if you're nice.

I'm sick of kicking chickens.

We can't get past.
We keep getting spotted.

What are you doing?

It's their dogs.
They smell us a league away!

We can't be invaded
because of dogs!

You try! We've been
chased like hares times!

Once they smell us,
they chase us!

Only crossing a river
shakes them off!

Look, Sire!
We're soaked to the knees!

- Can't you k*ll them?
- See the size of them!

They're monsters!
As wide as they're tall.

- All muscle.
- Teeth inches long!

So, we abandon Kaamelott
because of some doggies!

Could we go somewhere hot?

- We decided to call on you.
- Not you. Your country.

- Don't say you need money!
- Not money.

You're lucky, because I...

Let's get to the point...

We want some w*r dogs.

- You don't seem thrilled.
- Should I be?

Isn't training w*r dogs
the speciality of Orcania?

- Yes...
- Are you sure?

Yes, but if that's a speciality,
we're knee deep in them.

- We're interested in w*r dogs.
- What else do you have?

- Sausage rolls.
- We don't care!

Byzantine nobles
come to taste them!

Great! In the meantime,
we want w*r dogs.

We don't really train them
any more.

Since when?

About years.

I don't believe it!

I'll find an old man
who can do it.

- One years old?
- I'll cope.

Otherwise, how about the rolls?

Are you coming?

- Just a moment!
- The dog's nervous.

It should be in front!
It's useless behind!

The forest scares him.

- He smells wild beasts.
- There are too many here.

If he doesn't smell the enemy,

we'll bump into them
and be k*lled!

Put it down!
Get it used to walking!

- It's leagues!
- Look at his little legs!

- He gets tired!
- Down! That's an order!

Go on, Attila!

- Where's he off to?
- Back home.

Little dogs are smart.

I've never been keen on animals.

So, you're not satisfied.

Not hugely.

It's a very special technique.

w*r dogs aren't in your culture.

Like this. I brought you a roll.

But if you're not used to it,
the sausage is a bit strong.

- Is it true Sir Percival's missing?
- Yes.

- Has something happened to him?
- No.

- How do you know?
- He never places himself in danger.

He's remarkably clever at that.

Why the long faces?

We won!
It doesn't happen often!

We intercepted a messenger...

I'm warning you...

It'll be a shock.

- I don't believe it!
- A problem, Sire?

- Percival is dead.
- What?

- You're sure it's true?
- His uncle wrote it.

He was at his uncle's.
There's no doubt.

The bastard's dead...

- You can't sleep either?
- I'm out of sorts.

I said, " Eat some bread" .
It won't go down.

It's true, it's upsetting.

You're going to think
I'm going nuts,

but I hear him talking to me.

- Me too.
- I don't.

I thought I was dreaming,
but no,

even awake, sitting in bed,
I hear things.

What kind of things?

It's like he's giving me advice.

- Me too.
- What kind of advice?

He told me to come here.

Where?
To the kitchen?

Like I heard his voice.

Mine's better than that.

It's as if he wanted me
to rethink things.

The Round Table,
as if I've made a mistake.

It shouldn't be round?

We have to constantly
correct things.

Never rest on one's laurels.
That sort of...

- He really says that?
- I hear it that way. It's vague.

But he's there. Talking to us.

Not to me. Maybe he thinks
I'll tell him to piss off!

- Time to take things in hand.
- Meaning?

I think I lost faith lately.

Some days, the Grail
seems so far away.

What do you plan to do?

Percival talks to me.

Believe it or not, he does.

If he can restore my faith...

I can restore it in others.

What if our hearts
aren't pure enough?

- If we're unworthy of the Grail?
- We're worthy.

How can you be sure?

Percival says so.

That's why it's not just a cup.

- Yes, Uncle.
- It's beautiful!

Sire!

- I can hear and see him now!
- It's me!

You're not dead, you bastard?

I was really ill. I told my uncle,
"Tell them I'm dead!"

Then I threw up, now I'm better.

Forget what I said,
the Grail's sh*t.
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