- Are you cold?
- Yes, but it doesn't matter.
I'll get a woolly.
I don't want to catch something.
- Heard the news?
- Nothing but.
Could it be a rumour?
The spies are sure.
The Queen left the castle
with maids, a donkey and her kit,
to join Sir Lancelot.
My God, I'm a scoundrel!
What's it to do with you?
I brought the dire news!
Lancelot gave me the task
of declaring his love to the Queen.
- You told him?
- Does it matter who it was?
Does the King know?
If our spies know, he knows.
Where is he?
Asleep in his room.
How awful!
The poor man must be devastated!
My little bird...
There you are!
- I wondered whether to come.
- Why not?
I thought...
Sir might have lost his appetite.
I could eat a horse!
There.
- Anything else?
- Depends what's on offer!
- Get off!
- Only joking.
- You think I'm some young maid!
- No danger of that!
- That's not our style.
- It is. You're odd.
You're odd yourself!
The Queen runs off with a bum
and Sir's on top form!
Sir Lancelot's not a bum.
- After what he did?
- When he left,
or when he stole my wife?
I don't know. Both.
I could say I'm distraught,
but I'm not.
I'm having a lie-in.
You can go.
May I say, Sir,
- I'm amazed by your attitude.
- Right.
If this happens to me...
You can let me know. Clear off.
Go on.
This is the best yet.
It's a bit out of order.
Were your spies drunk?
There's no doubt.
- Betrayed by our own daughter!
- Not betrayed...
Don't defend her!
Saddled with an idiot like that...
She's Queen.
She just has to cope!
- I should know.
- Have you seen him?
- Would you want him?
- I didn't want you,
but that's life.
You and your Pict traditions!
- What about them?
- You filled her head with nonsense!
"Women make the decisions,
women are the warriors..."
I didn't say to ditch us
for the first guy she saw!
She must be a natural.
Sir Percival! Up already?
I'm going back to bed.
Why are you out so early?
I like to piss from the ramparts
at dawn.
I like the view.
- You're sensitive...
- To the cold. Very.
That's why I wait till spring.
Has the Queen really gone?
With all her wardrobe. Cleaned out!
I thought we'd been burgled!
- So Lancelot's her cousin?
- What?
- Not at all!
- He isn't?
But if you want some gossip,
Bors is.
Her cousin?
Lancelot's cousin.
It's a secret.
I didn't get that.
So the Queen's Lancelot's...?
She's his...
I don't know.
His lover.
Or she will be soon.
So Kaamelott has no Queen?
No Queen? I wouldn't say that.
Really? I've misunderstood then.
It's just that she's gone!
Listen.
There are kinds of queen:
monarchs and morons.
- Our daughter's the latter.
- All right, go on.
There are things to do
to stay Queen:
keep your butt on the throne,
have some bearing
and give the King an heir.
Go on...
She flunked on the heir
and bearing
but at least she was there!
Now, if the King wants someone else,
what can we say?
I normally say, "sh*t".
It fits most things.
Did I wake you?
What are you doing?
Haven't you a wife to get back?
Don't start ordering me about!
- Are you going to stay in bed?
- With an easy conscience!
The Queen left today,
who'll go tomorrow?
The Knights? The Round Table?
Stuff the Round Table!
- What?
- Is it un-noble?
Unworthy of the Grail?
Where were you
when they arranged my marriage?
A sordid, schemers' marriage
to an idiot I couldn't stand!
- Am I to blame?
- Couldn't you stop it?
Where's the legend,
the romance?
Are we to be an example
of true love?
Love might have come in time!
Do you think I'm a mug?
- Aren't you going to get your wife?
- She's fine where she is.
You have no courage.
No dignity.
Your lack of faith
is ruining everything.
You know,
you're like the Queen of Cameliard.
So?
Would you call yourself a monarch
or a moron?
A monarch! Stupid question!
An unofficial monarch.
What's that?
The people don't mind
that you're idiot
because they know
I'm pulling the strings.
I'm glad I asked.
Sir Lancelot!
Sir Lancelot!
I'm coming!
What?
Damn it!
Can't I have a minute to myself?
What?
Not now!
I said, not now!
There you are, my love.
I heard shouting.
It's nothing, my Queen.
I picked this posy.
How thoughtful.
Stop calling me, " My Queen".
Just call me Guinevere.
No more "Queens" ,
no more formalities!
I'm as simple and wild
as these flowers!
I want to wear reeds in my hair!
Reeds?
It means nothing. I don't care!
I can say what I want!
Bitch! Crap! sh*t!
- Penis!
- Guinevere!
I've no idea what that means!
Control yourself, my love.
My men will wonder.
I'm sorry, dear companion.
I'd hate to make things awkward
for you.
Excuse my joyful outburst.
It's wonderful to see you happy.
I so longed for it in secret
and was so often powerless...
Torment yourself no longer.
Those days are over.
Give yourself to what awaits.
Guinevere, here and now,
I promise you, as long as...
Sir Lancelot!
Leave me alone!
Don't you have enough to do
without bugging me all the time?
Do I have to tell you
to rake up every leaf?
Tidy up the camp!
You're not at Kaamelott!
I don't want a crumb left!
Inspection in minutes!
Staff problems?
A few bad habits to iron out.
You were about to...
Yes.
If fate one day should part us...
- Don't say that!
- We must be prepared.
Let me promise you this...
What do we do next?
You should start gaining
a bit more independence.
More responsibility.
At least for simple tasks.
When I was at the castle
I wasn't allowed to do much.
But, when it came to decoration,
I just quietly got on with it.
Without waiting to be told.
If Arthur said, "That's awful" ,
I'd start again.
Do you get the idea?
Yes?
I'm sorry,
I don't know your names yet...
This meal's boring.
I'm going to work.
Boring?
No-one's said a word.
You're boring.
- We're fed up.
- And so you're boring.
You're either screaming
your heads off
or completely mute.
Haven't you work to do?
It'll wait. There's dessert.
- There you have it!
- Have what?
A nice dessert might improve
the ambience!
Do we just stare at it?
" It" is a strawberry tart.
I made it.
Do we eat it,
or just look at it?
- We'll eat it, don't worry.
- If you made it, I'm worried.
- Me too.
- And me.
Before we begin,
I'd like you to know
it's for Guinevere.
- Because she likes strawberries.
- So do I!
She's gone and we're left with it.
It's sad.
That's why I'm not digging in.
I'm sad about my daughter.
So is her father.
I'm fine.
You're glum and teary-eyed.
You're sad.
I'm glum because
we're staring at a tart
and teary-eyed
through fighting to stay awake.
Her brother and mother are sad.
I didn't even know she'd gone.
I don't believe it!
I am sad,
but about something secret.
We all need our privacy.
You wind me up!
Can't you spare a thought
for absent loved-ones
and forget feeding your faces?
A thought's one thing,
but not eating...
If you won't be serious,
pass your plates.
I really shouldn't...
If this was for Guinevere
we should send it to her.
Does it taste bad?
Worse than that.
Coming back from the beach,
I saw some strawberries.
I ate a whole load.
Left alone,
strawberries are edible.
These are probably
the same strawberries,
but some miraculous process
has made them...
- Like rocks.
- It's how they're cooked!
I usually leave the pastry
and eat the fruit.
And now?
I'm leaving it all.
What's wrong?
I cut my gum on a cooked lump.
Is that possible?
The taste's unimportant!
It's a tribute.
Tribute?
In memory of our little girl.
Stop going on!
"She likes strawberries,
it's for her,
I'm so sad..."
She's not about to die.
I can't say the same for us.
If you make a tart
for each departure, I've had it.
- Next time, I'm leaving!
- No, don't!
She'll start cooking!
Haven't we been here before?
I couldn't say.
Didn't we see these incurved walls?
I couldn't say.
What?
What does " incurved" mean?
I couldn't say.
I suggest we split up.
I had another suggestion.
- What?
- We don't!
No-one's here. What can happen?
Someone might come!
People aren't the danger here.
If we don't find the exit
we're stuffed.
How will splitting up help?
We'll cover times the distance.
If one of us finds the exit,
they can yell for the others.
Very cunning.
I don't quite get it.
Do we have to split up?
I don't suppose you've a spell
for getting out of mazes?
You really think I'm useless.
- You mean you have?
- No.
But don't you think I'd use it
if I had?
Let's go.
- You go that way, Merlin.
- On my own?
Since we're splitting up.
- Didn't we drop that idea?
- Do as you're told.
Keep checking we can hear you.
- Can you hear me?
- Yes, shut up.
That's good, I can hear you.
- Shall I go and clout him?
- No, go that way.
If I meet someone,
I b*at him up.
- That depends.
- On what?
Who it is.
- I don't know who it is.
- Neither do I.
You decide if he's dangerous.
- I won't be able to.
- Go on.
Can you still hear me?
If you meet someone, shout out,
" I met someone, he looks like this,
what do I do?"
I'm going down a corridor.
Me too. Boring, isn't it?
I can hardly hear you any more!
Shut up!
Can you hear anyone?
You! But you're more distant!
Shut up, you moron!
Grudu?
- What?
- Why didn't you answer?
I was thinking of something else.
" I met someone! He looks like this!
What do I do?"
Getting out's simple.
We split up and retrace our steps.
I don't understand.
Do it, you'll see.
There! We carry on...
And the door's just behind.
- Behind what?
- That door.
It's not the way out of course!
There it is.
I love it when we do this.
What?
Hunker down.
It's really professional.
We're examining the tracks.
That sounds so cool!
" Examining the tracks!"
We're like Knights on a quest!
We are on a quest.
We're going to examine the track.
This one.
- Is that the plant thing?
- I've no idea.
The mark, there!
Shaped like a boot-print!
A boot?
Looks more like
a slice of meat to me.
What do you think?
days, maybe .
- I say days.
- Six?
- That track isn't days old!
- I thought we were picking numbers.
- Me too.
- Will you shut up?
If it's days old,
they're not at the border yet.
Who?
The guys who made the tracks.
Guys? You said it was
a boot print.
Some guy must have been wearing it!
Don't be so sure.
You're going a bit fast and...
- Loose?
- Yes.
- At night I take my boots off.
- They stand by the bed!
Maybe some guy went to bed
and put his boots here.
Now we have to find the bed prints.
But there's only one mark.
The guy's confused us
by only having one leg!
Unless he was hopping!
They're good, the bastards.
We've no time to lose!
We need a guy with one leg.
- Or a guy who hops.
- Who brings his own bed...
And puts his boots next to it.
- Then there's the direction.
- Classy!
If the boot's like this,
the bed was here.
Now we need the slipper prints
made by his wife
on the other side of the bed.
Except there aren't any.
We're up against some real pros!
Well done.
Let's recap otherwise we'll get lost.
We mustn't forget a thing.
One thing we haven't solved.
How did he lug his wife around in bed?
Hopping the while!
There are no wheel marks.
Wait... That's it!
Have you cracked it?
His wife
covers up the wheel marks
as they go along!
We're so stupid!
She rubs out
one of her husband's footprints!
People are so sneaky!
To recap...
We need a guy pulling his wife
in a bed on a cart.
She has a little rake.
She sits in bed
and rubs out the wheel marks,
and one of her husband's footprints.
And we were after a one-legged man!
They're very good.
But after all that planning,
they run into masterminds like us!
How do you like the red?
Pleasing, isn't it?
- Nice.
- It's smoother than the other.
- It's an odd colour.
- It's Greek.
Isn't it illegal to import wine?
- How about the local stuff?
- It tastes like dishwater.
I could sell cider,
but it's less profitable.
So, Greek wine!
You're happy, so am I.
I charge more for it
because of transport.
Don't let on though,
or I'll end up in clink!
They didn't turn you in.
Didn't they?
Yes, but they didn't mean to.
When do I get out of here?
Who'll run the inn?
I'm sorry,
but I shouldn't be here.
Go and get your uncle.
No! If I get him he'll be furious.
Tell him I've some information.
- Information?
- Of the utmost importance.
Really?
The kind you can't give
to an underling.
You can be here when it's useful.
You can stay now.
This is ultra-confidential.
Get out.
So?
It's a bit much to end up here
for barrels of wine.
- Three?
- . I didn't mean any harm!
I make laws to be obeyed.
If my information's good,
do I get out?
Tell me, we'll see.
The other day,
quite unintentionally,
I passed by Lancelot's camp.
I already know where it is.
Do you know
who his st Lieutenant is?
- No.
- I do.
- But I don't know his name.
- That's your info?
I know he's one of yours.
Curly hair, awkward bastard,
always grumbling...
- Curly hair?
- One of the Round Table.
Are you letting me out?
No!
Who's going to run the inn?
- Where have you been?
- Who's asking?
Don't be clever.
- It'll end in tears!
- Clever? Are you nuts?
What's all this toing and froing?
I'm getting some air!
- Do I need a pass now?
- I'll give you a pass!
Signed, sealed and delivered!
And since you like catapults,
we'll put your whole family in one!
And wham! Off to Cameliard!
See Britain from the air!
- I'll teach you to cheat on me!
- You're crazy!
What exactly is your job
with the competition. Advisor?
Here's some advice.
Go fry a trout!
- Lieutenant!
- Please don't call me that.
Aren't you my lieutenant?
In this context.
But I'm still a Knight.
- It's annoying.
- What should I call you?
Sir Galessin, like before.
It's polite.
Sir Galessin, sweep up the leaves
behind my hut!
I shouldn't have to tell you.
- It's you!
- Yes, it's me!
What if I was with someone?
- The Queen's gone!
- I could've been with a mistress.
But you're not.
Not right now.
They come and go.
In mins,
you could have one more.
We've been hiding in doorways
for weeks,
trying not to be seen.
Now you want it all over with
in mins!
- Don't you want to?
- I just don't get it.
I'm tired of waiting.
I think of things.
What kind of things?
I'll show you.
Let's not debate about it!
You're being all provocative now.
- You shouldn't lead me on.
- I know.
- It seems that...
- What?
Demetra said,
the first night with you,
she felt as if she'd been trampled
by a horse.
You misunderstood.
Demetra was trampled by a horse,
but it was a horse, not me.
It'll soon be light.
In mins the place will be swarming
with servants.
Imagine I'm an Irish girl
and you've ransacked my village.
The Irish are our allies.
I don't see why...
- Are we going to talk all night?
- Watch out!
The odd kiss isn't too bad.
It's not really sinning
with another Knight.
If we start fooling around,
we'll be up to our necks in it!
I know, but I want to.
- Wait!
- What is it?
I'll just put this away.
- Wait!
- What?
Couldn't you thr*aten me while...
- Are you crazy?
- What did I do?
- I'm not talking to you.
- What?
- I came at the right moment.
- I'd disagree!
- Who are you talking to?
The Lady of the Lake.
Be sensible. It's not too late.
Yes, it is.
I'm sorry.
I don't believe it!
Well...
You weren't quite fast enough.
I must go.
My husband might wonder where I am.
Go, then.
Are you worried?
It had to happen.
I know.
I'm not sorry.
Nor am I. It's not that...
So?
I was thinking about your husband.
- Just now?
- Yes. Not while...
- Apart from once.
- Really?
- Was it when...?
- Yes, then.
Now I really have to go.
Are you expecting someone?
At a.m.?
- Who is it?
- I'll go and find out.
Are you crazy?
It could be an emergency.
Hide.
I'm sorry, Sire.
Did I wake you up?
Yes.
- I've lost my wife.
- Your...?
Wife.
- I didn't understand.
- You thought...?
I didn't understand.
I woke up and she'd gone.
That's strange.
- What does she look like?
- What?
Is she the one I know?
- Not that I know her!
- The guards haven't seen her.
I know who you mean...
- I can't say I know her.
- Have you seen her?
Once or twice, by sight.
With no ulterior motive...
Did you bump into her
going to pee?
I'd never take such a liberty!
- By accident.
- No, that would be too easy!
I believe in ethics,
a code of conduct
which you owe it to yourself
to respect or not.
It's like sailing: you set a course
if you don't stick to it
you end up... Right?
- I know nothing about boats.
- Let me tell you...
We'll arrange a little outing
in a little boat
and I'll take you over the basics.
at your own pace.
You have to go slowly.
When? Now?
Yes! Get some warm clothes
and let's get cracking!
- What about my wife?
- Your wife!
Where do you think she is?
In my bed?
Do you think we were rolling
in the hay?
- Do you want to improve?
- At sailing?
Get ready, ship's apprentice!
We cast off in hour!
I'm on my way.
I'll get us a snack.
We'll probably be back by noon.
- So what do I do?
- Nothing!
We'll be at sea in an hour.
Then you slip back to your room.
- I don't understand.
- Listen... It's complicated
enough already!
Hand me...
The fishing rod.
I won't tell him about us yet.
I'll start off with navigation.
Will you tell him you have to k*ll him?
You want me to do it today?
I didn't say that.
Can he swim?
We're going to fall out soon!
We've fallen out already!
I don't see the point in talking.
There isn't any!
You two are a real pain in the ass!
I've work to do.
- See you in a minute.
- What?
Your work. You've a meeting.
- So?
- A meeting with us.
- Us who?
- Us!
I don't believe it!
Is it really them?
They requested it a week ago.
You could look at the diary.
You could have said it was full!
I'm just doing my job!
Which is to get me out
of stupid meetings!
They didn't say
why they were coming.
To bug me!
They've been doing it for years!
My job is to transcribe the legend,
not meddle in family matters.
But those are the most epic things
to read about!
Try to keep it brief.
We don't bother you often.
Not with meetings.
We've come to complain...
- No.
- What?
That's a great way to start!
- Haven't we?
- Yes! He'll find out soon enough.
Without interfering,
what's your complaint?
It's time our son, Yvain,
had his own seat at the Round Table.
He's been filling in
for people for ages.
It's getting a bit much.
Sire?
So what's your complaint?
You won't give him a seat
at the Round Table.
How do you know?
You only just asked?
- We imagine you'll refuse.
- Not necessarily.
A place has just become vacant.
I hadn't thought of your son...
But I'm not against the idea.
When will we know?
It's fine. I agree.
Your son, Yvain,
has a place at the Round Table.
We'll give you a copy of the record.
Good.
What do we do now? Go?
It's fine.
Is there anything special
to begin with?
Well...
- What do you mean?
- Well...
He's here. What do I do?
He's got his seat.
We should mark the event.
Fine.
It is my honour to announce
that Sir Yvain,
known as
The Knight of the Lion,
has now joined us permanently.
No, all that winds me up.
Yvain? Anything you'd like to say?
It's cool!
Anything else?
Can I sit next to Gawain?
You're always with Gawain!
Can't you be seats apart?
- It's not that.
- So?
He's next to his father.
What's it to do with me?
What is it?
Galessin sat here.
I don't like the traitor's seat.
He gets you right where it hurts.
Just like his father!
- Did you sleep well?
- No.
- Were you cold?
- Yes.
More than that,
I was bitten by insects!
I'm sorry.
Can I do something?
You angel.
Anything edible to hand?
No. Yes! Some cold water.
But not to hand.
I'll only be gone minutes.
Don't put yourself out.
I assure you,
I'm not criticizing at all.
Maybe you've things to say.
I will admit, sometimes I think
by slightly changing a few things
we might improve our living space,
but it's nothing!
Go on, tell me.
We sleep on the ground.
If we raised the bed,
we'd be protected from insects.
The hut's on stilts.
- On...?
- The entire hut.
It's raised up.
I'll have the bed raised.
- Is that all?
- I don't have a list.
There's the water,
the food,
the cold, the hours...
- We do everything ourselves.
- I've no servants.
I'm not talking servants!
Him over there, for example.
He's been walking bits of wood around
since I got here.
He's building the camp.
What camp?
What do you mean, what camp?
- My camp.
- Yours?
- You have a camp?
- Yes, a fort.
It's under construction.
- What's it for?
- It's for my army.
Why have an army?
- For Conquest, Chivalry, the Grail...
- The Grail?
- You're still into all that?
- More than ever!
No!
We're together, we're free!
Leave the Grail
to the lot from Kaamelott.
Impossible.
They're incapable.
So they won't find it.
What do we lack? Nothing!
You have me!
Do you need anything else?
To be honest,
it's now I have you,
I want to cover you in glory!
Couldn't we just
have a nice little house
with a pretty little garden
and grow a few lettuces?
Lettuces?
Or anything.
I don't even like lettuce.
I'm sorry,
I don't really follow you.
Start by raising the bed.
But the hut is...
Yes, the hut's on stocks.
Don't raise it then.
What can I say?
My man?
Excuse me!
What are you doing?
Stop doing that for minutes
and make us an omelette.
It's nothing. Carry on!
That man is a warrior.
Can't warriors make omelettes?
He's here to give his life to the Grail.
He's here to carry branches.
Don't talk rot.
- Heard of knocking?
- Knocking who?
I could be working
on something secret.
- You're just loafing about.
- Maybe I want to loaf in private!
- You've never minded before.
- Damn!
- What's that?
- Nosey!
Tell me.
What's it to do with you?
This is my laboratory
and I consider...
Stir your soup and leave me be!
It always ends up in insults!
We're forced to share the lab,
but we don't have to talk!
We can't collaborate
without talking.
Collaborate?
- Are you living in fairyland?
- I don't like it either.
- It's orders.
- Stupid orders!
You'll get your just deserts!
You'll get a Disintegration curse!
A Shower of Stones could fall!
Inside?
You're not a plonker
you're a pioneer!
Druids aren't good
in enclosed spaces.
Go back to the great outdoors!
You can be heard all over the estate!
He's secretive,
annoying and doesn't knock.
Is that any reason for bawling?
He does it on purpose!
You know it winds him up
when you ignore him.
I came in to work.
I didn't ask for anything!
He never asks for anything!
- What does it cost you to tell him?
- Time!
He doesn't understand a thing!
That's enough!
You two are annoying me!
Elias, explain what you're doing,
so he can learn.
You, stop whining
and ask nicely for things.
Any more noise,
I'll be back and you'll be for it!
- What can I tell you?
- What did you bring back?
- A dragon's claw.
- I don't believe it!
- It is!
- Where did you find it?
- I bought it.
- Bought it?
I've no time to hunt dragons!
- I need a claw, I buy it.
- What with?
If Kaamelott paid,
I'm throwing a fit!
What's it to you?
They won't give me a log for my fire.
How come you get dragon's claws?
The spells make a packet!
It's an investment!
- And Kaamelott gets the cash?
- Steady on!
- You keep it all?
- Everyone wins.
What do I get?
You? Go sh*t in a phial
and we'll see!
Dragon's claws for , are rare!
, ?
I agreed to that?
Apparently.
I want to see you flatten him!
Hear that?
- It's a mouse.
- No.
I haven't gone crazy!
You hate mice.
There's a noise.
If it was a mouse
I'd have been after it long ago.
It's Bors.
- Bors?
- It's Bors sniffing.
- Sniffing?
- Because he's greeting.
He's been at it all week.
Haven't you heard him!
Yes!
While I didn't mind the mice,
this will drive me nuts
fairly quickly.
We're not going to wait years.
He should be coming.
I've not seen Bors for ages.
He greets all night.
"Greets"? What's that?
According to my wife,
Bors greets at night.
What's wrong with him now?
I don't know.
I wanted to tell him to shut up.
But my wife wouldn't let me.
I've no one to replace him
at short notice!
Sir Caradoc might,
if he's here.
I'll sit in if you want.
- Who'll take my place?
- I will.
Will you talk to me?
I'm your man when it comes
to gloom and doom!
Sir Lancelot goes off
and forms his own army.
- The Queen goes with him...
- Maybe that's good!
If they're not happy,
why stay?
I can't bear the way
everything's falling apart!
The hatred...
Will you be leaving too?
No, Sire!
I'd rather cry every God-given day
than leave you!
That's very noble,
but you're not much use
to me in bed.
I'm too weak to get up.
Know what we'll do?
Send you on a little holiday.
Thank you, but no.
Yes. Let me ask you...
Where would you like to go?
To Hell,
to pull that mean old Devil's tail!
No, not Hell.
Somewhere nearer.
A nice little spot for fishing...
I don't like hurting the fish.
Don't put a hook on the line.
- Get up! Let's arrange it.
- Don't worry about me.
I'm giving you a holiday!
- You're too kind...
- Will you get up?
- I don't deserve...
- I'll call the guard!
I'm warning you!
Where do I send him?
Anywhere sunny.
I know a nice place in Macedonia.
Do you want birds?
It's up to you, Bors.
Don't worry about me.
Do as I say.
Birds or no birds?
Or boys, maybe.
I was being general!
What if I went home to Gannes?
Spend some time with your wife!
You could take a little voyage.
A cruise!
Great.
So, same question:
birds or no birds? Or boys?
What's wrong?
I was watching you sleep.
Do you need anything?
Not really.
Something to eat,
or drink?
I can put a log on the fire.
I can do lots of things.
I'm fine. Thanks.
You know where I'll be.
No. Where?
In the bathroom.
This is the moment to act.
In what way?
The Queen leaving means promotion!
For you or for us?
For all of us!
That's teamwork.
We're a team now?
If we play it alone,
we'll play dirty.
Play what?
"Who's going to be Queen."
- Are you nuts?
- The bed's empty!
- She might come back.
- We've got to be quick!
But we're not princesses.
The Queen was a princess
but she didn't produce an heir.
I can.
A bastard?
Is that your plan?
If I sleep with him and have a kid,
they'll make it official!
Hello there.
- Having a conference?
- We were taking a walk.
Getting some air.
- I didn't see you today.
- You did!
- I mean, afterwards...
- No.
I'm off.
Don't strain anything!
So, we're a team,
and we mustn't bear his child,
so you can?
That's about it.
- We'll think about it.
- Great.
Think " Power" !
Who does she think she is?
She's devious. I always said so.
No you didn't.
What did I say? She's a bitch?
- Yes.
- That's possible.
So we're to play gooseberry
while she gets official
with the King?
I don't think so.
Why should she boss us around?
- She's not top dog!
- Was she here first?
No, we were first.
Arthur came home,
set foot on land
and who did he meet?
He liked us right away!
She was still selling lettuce
in the market!
Why let her bother us?
We'll dump the silly cow
and take care of the heir.
All for one...
No, that's stupid.
It's really lame.
Bossing us around already!
We know what to do.
He'll get two Queens instead of one!
It's original!
Twice as many heirs!
We'll share duties.
Send his mistresses to sea!
One good storm and we're sorted!
Sire!
- We're upset!
- We know you're there! Open up!
We're upset!
That's five nights in a row
someone's woken me up.
What do you mean?
Last night my father-in-law
couldn't sleep.
Yesterday, someone came
to say something.
For nights,
it's been one jerk after another!
Will you listen to us?
We're upset!
Listen to you? Not at all.
- Open up. It's important.
- We're upset!
We need to "state" something.
Open up!
Can't you "state" it tomorrow?
It's urgent!
Would we wake you up for nothing?
We're upset!
I'm sleeping, so get lost.
Sire, it's no coincidence.
If you don't want to speak to us
it's because you...
You don't want to admit...
You refuse to understand...
I can't explain it.
Don't get fancy. We're upset!
- We're upset!
- There!
- Out with it!
- At the party...
What party? Oh, yes.
- We started speaking.
- You remember.
It was a speech on Chivalry.
It was good.
You don't know
because you never listen to us.
- You talked all through it.
- We're upset!
We invited you to sing a round
with us.
Do you know what you said?
- You don't know?
- Yes, I said, " No".
- Exactly!
- Being serious...
We're upset.
I'm sorry about the party.
Good night.
That's too easy!
Hold hard, good Sire!
I don't know your round.
Are you joking?
You've heard it times!
Do you think we're stupid?
We're upset!
I'm sorry, I'll sing next time.
Next time! Really?
You'll tell us to piss off again.
Right?
Yes.
We're upset.
Love being the child of reason,
And the flower daughter of the poet...
Well done, Sire. That was great!
Wasn't that great?
Totally! We're upset!
Sorry.
I don't like that guy.
- Dagonet?
- Yes.
I've always found him unpleasant.
He doesn't talk much.
So what? Neither do I.
I don't like you either.
Sanctis recorda, sanctis Deus Rex.
Meaning?
Absolutely nothing. Why?
Now you're here, we can begin.
Now I'm here?
We've been waiting all morning.
I rode here from Orcania!
I was nice to come.
You're a knight, I'm a king.
I call, you come.
Don't expect me to be grateful.
I didn't swear fealty to you.
There are kings and Kings.
Precisely.
Between you and me,
what do you think of King Arthur?
You can be frank.
We're all complete bastards here.
We do things that aren't nice.
We make trouble.
We renege.
We do what we like.
I don't know.
What do you think?
People in Orcania think
Arthur's a total jerk.
His Federation, his Grail,
his invisible Lady of the Lake...
We think he's a dickhead.
The people like him.
Yes, they're on his side.
Not those who seek independence
but Joe Peasant likes him fine.
There are fewer wars,
we've Roman roads...
the hicks are happy.
I never thought about it.
With him or without him,
it's all the same to me.
As for the Grail...
We're aiming at a putsch.
No more, no less.
We didn't know how to go about it,
but now there's a breach.
It's called Lancelot du Lac.
He's left Kaamelott
and set up camp in the forest.
To crown it all, the Queen,
who's keen on old blondie,
has left Arthur for him.
We'll join any rebellion going.
We've given Lancelot enough men,
arms and food
for his own Quest for the Grail.
Looking at the records,
we realised that Lancelot,
unintentionally we're sure,
is on your land.
My land?
Why?
Where is he?
I was there days ago.
I'd say roughly here.
That's mine?
You see!
I bet you were too harebrained
to know what was yours.
Right again!
I thought my land ended at the stream.
Yes.
But it doesn't.
But Arthur gave me the land.
It's kind of his.
No,
if he gave it to you, it's yours.
I swore fealty to him for it.
I thought we were talking
to someone intelligent.
But if you're loyal instead,
we'll stop now. We're all busy!
- Was I asleep?
- Yes.
- For long?
- Quite long.
I missed my a.m. snack!
Have it at . So what?
The a.m., one will be at ,
by breakfast, I'll be bloated.
It's hard keeping to a schedule.
What have you forgotten now?
You're crazy!
It's all right.
I was coming back from battle,
I saw him go out,
I wanted to say good night.
He might come back!
I'll be gone by then. Don't worry.
I wanted to see you.
It doesn't have to stay a secret.
Don't start that again!
- I didn't make the law!
- Me neither!
Would I have made up
anything as dumb?
It's still the law.
Accept your responsibilities.
If I did that,
I'd have to k*ll your husband.
Well,
if that's what it takes.
- All right?
- I'm fine.
What's that?
- Where did you find that?
- On the bed!
It's mine.
- You've an axe?
- I was going to k*ll a chicken.
k*ll a chicken?
To help out in the kitchens.
You don't make the grub.
No, but...
- Know whose it is?
- Isn't it yours?
King Arthur's.
- Know what it's doing here?
- No.
He left it behind just now.
Coming back from battle,
he said he loved me
and he couldn't live without me.
He forced me to do things.
- What...?
- Exactly.
Afterwards,
I told him the law states,
if he wants me,
he has to k*ll you.
He said,
"That shouldn't be a problem."
What do I do?
Sort it out between yourselves.
I've already been r*ped.
I can't do everything.
- What's up?
- I have to challenge you to a duel.
A what?
My wife said it has to be now.
It's the law.
- Duels happen in the morning.
- Really?
What did your wife say?
You want to be with her.
Yes. Doesn't it bother you?
What bothers me is the duel!
Get some sleep.
You'll be too tired to fight!
I'm worried.
Don't be scared.
On paper, it's a done duel!
I'm better technically, younger...
But he saw all our training sessions.
He knows all our moves!
I'll win, but we have to be vigilant!
This duel's really stupid.
It's to defend my honour!
Aren't I worth it?
- Worth k*lling the King for?
- Well?
He has responsibilities!
He's about to get k*lled
over some bird!
Some bird?
He's fantasizing about you.
If he knew you better,
he wouldn't be in this state.
Sire, I'm sorry.
I don't know what you're looking for.
Neither do I. A loophole.
Where?
In the thingummy law.
" He who covets another Knight's wife
must slay her husband" .
I have to find a way round it.
It's Lancelot, isn't it?
- Lancelot?
- Yes. Lancelot.
Let's say he coveted your wife.
Just supposing.
He should k*ll you.
You're right!
I hadn't made the...
It's not for that.
Give me everything about this law
and everything you have
on Vannois Law.
- Start searching now?
- You won't need to search.
Everything's impeccably indexed,
which is why you're fed,
housed and handsomely paid.
I shouldn't be long.
I'll get going.
Wrong way.
There's nothing there.
He wants your wife!
He loves women.
He doesn't mean any harm.
- He might k*ll you!
- It's not his fault. It's the law.
- You're infuriating!
- Why?
- It's OK if we're together?
- It means he won and I'm dead.
I'd rather you were with someone.
I don't believe it!
Their laws are stupider than ours!
Before settling scores,
they have a feast!
A friendly fight, a feast.
Tournament, feast...
Where was it...
"A banquet will be set out
before the wife-swa..."
You don't have your sword.
According to the customs
of Vannes,
which I ardently uphold,
I have the great honour
of inviting you,
as a mark of fraternity,
esteem and appreciation,
to formally swap
our respective wives!
What's going on?
Gently now...
That's enough!
I thought Lancelot had your wife!
Yes! You can go and get her back.
Don't tell me you won!
Down here
are the jellyfish and insects,
here, the jerks and minions,
normal guys here,
knights here,
kings and princes here,
and way above them all,
you have King Arthur.
You've had two husbands...
You struck gold both times!
Beauty, who holds my life,
c*ptive in your eyes,
You have ravished my soul
With a radiant smile...
Come...
Mother? Why are you here?
You would choose the most
inaccessible part of the lake.
The idea being to get some peace,
it puts most people off.
Apart from you.
- I need to speak to you.
- I don't feel like talking!
Then you can listen! It's about...
Arthur!
The people are grumbling!
How do you know?
They're grumbling in Tintagel.
That's all they ever do in Tintagel.
They've always got some grievance.
It's spreading all over Britain.
You can't ignore it.
If that's the case, I'm listening.
Why are they grumbling?
They've lost confidence in you.
Frankly, we can't blame them.
Thanks for your support.
Why have they lost confidence in me?
When you govern,
you have to give strong signals.
Your father was...
- Don't start with my father!
- So be it.
Every monarch knows that.
What signals do they need?
The conquering of new territory!
An heir! The Grail!
I've plenty of examples!
I don't need territory.
Logres goes as far as Aquitaine.
I don't know what goes on
down there!
An heir? My wife's run off.
- I've things to say about that!
- But you won't.
Even when she was here,
all that was going rather slowly.
They won't go any faster
now she's gone!
As for the Grail,
I don't know...
- It's going nowhere.
- So what do you say?
- To what?
- To the grumbling people!
- sh*t!
- Don't be rude!
- You know what you have to do.
- What?
- Draw the sword out of the stone.
- Again!
- What would it take?
- I don't want to!
It would be the answer.
But it takes three days every time!
Hoards of people come
to try their luck.
But it only works for you.
Show them you're the Chosen One.
They've known that for ages!
Sometimes you have to remind them!
I know why you won't do it.
Because it gets on my nerves.
You're afraid someone else
will manage to pull it out.
They're welcome to take my place!
They can take all those jokers
and look for the Grail.
I hope they have fun!
The Round Table meetings
which everyone sleeps through.
The grievances,
the demands, the Clans!
And I'll go to Andalusia.
You can swim there
without your toes turning blue!
Halt! Who goes there?
Sir Bors!
- Are you to do with Kaamelott?
- To do?
I'm a Knight of the Round Table.
I can't let you pass.
Can't a Knight of the Round Table
walk on British soil?
British soil, I don't know.
You can't pass.
- This is Sir Lancelot's land.
- He has no land!
Logres goes from Aquitaine
to Caledonia
and it's undisputed king
is Arthur of Britain!
- Is that a problem?
- Not if you stop there.
I couldn't get through!
I had to turn back.
They didn't let me pass either.
We don't know
what they're up to.
- You only care about your daughter.
- What?
She's my sister.
I don't give a sh*t!
It's the troop movements
that worry me.
If we can't find out
what they're up to...
Can't we take some offensive action?
Force them to be more open?
I won't start a w*r on suppositions.
- Many people do.
- Not me.
The only answer is to send in a spy.
Does everyone agree?
When did that last happen?
I'd have to check.
It must be years ago.
Are you sure of your man?
- Don't give me that dope!
- Sire!
The guy's a legend! An expert!
He's known everywhere!
A bad start for a spy!
He's known...
Not his face! Don't play dumb.
Alexander the Great's " known" ,
but who'd spot him at the inn!
He hasn't been to many lately.
I've got you a famous spy.
An upfront, methodical guy.
He can infiltrate anywhere.
Do I get him or not?
Bring him in this way.
Make sure the Enchanters
aren't in their lab.
Why?
No one should see a spy!
If someone describes him to Lancelot,
he won't last long.
It's his job to blend in.
He doesn't tunnel his way around town.
No one sees him but you and me.
No one knows but us?
People know I'm hiring a spy
but only we know who it is.
So, you're trusting me!
I don't need to. Only you know.
If he's uncovered,
you betrayed him!
Right.
Apart from that, do you trust me?
In general?
- No.
- And not in general?
No.
So, it's the same as before?
Yes, don't worry.
Is everything clear?
You won't be disappointed.
Just one thing,
when I'm in Lancelot's camp,
should I try and get info on Arthur?
What?
He's King Arthur.
Could you go back
to the beginning, please?
You know I respect your wife?
No.
What do you mean?
I've no idea.
We've never mentioned it!
Well, I'm telling you.
- I respect her a lot.
- Good.
I want you to know this.
Why?
Because,
I've things to say
and I don't want you thinking
I don't respect her.
What kind of things?
For example,
I think when she ran off,
she acted like the Queen of Tarts.
In other words,
as much as I respect her,
she's a great big...
I think I've grasped
your idea of respect.
I'm flattered by your affection
for my wife...
- Your wife?
- Yes, my wife!
You still call her your wife?
That's what she is.
Don't you know what she's done?
She could m*rder my mother
and still be my wife!
In fact she'd go up in my esteem!
- May I be blunt?
- You don't usually ask.
I think I'm the best person
to take over from your wife
and become Queen of Logres.
- That certainly is blunt.
- I like to be frank!
- So I see.
- I mean what I say!
I'll tell you why I'm right.
I never balk at doing it.
- At...?
- What?
- Doing it?
- I never balk at doing it.
I'm always ready to...
- What's the link?
- Between...?
The fact that you're insatiable
and your talents
as Queen of Logres?
It's a skill isn't it?
A Queen's greatest skills
should be seen by the people!
The hicks don't care if you're...
- What?
- I can't put it politely.
They'd prefer their Queen
to be good in the sack
than to lie there like one.
There's more to it than that!
- What else can you do?
- It's a good start.
I don't have hands.
If you think about it,
we've got hands.
With your , that's !
All that on the throne!
Imagine the possibilities!
I'm finding it hard.
- If one's tired, the other takes over!
- And vice versa.
When one's tired of what?
Well, doing Queen stuff.
What's tiring about Queen stuff?
You don't do much as Queen.
Except manage the mistresses.
No,
when we become Queen,
we'll fire them.
Some have no morals.
It can soon turn nasty.
What are we waiting for?
Nothing.
- Let's go!
- No.
I told Caius we'd be there by .
What will he think?
Do I care what Caius thinks of me?
At last!
- Is he coming?
- I didn't want to...
I didn't ask your opinion.
- Or mine!
- I do my own thing.
Shall we go?
b*at it!
Haven't you had enough?
Go away or I'll flatten you!
- It's Leodegrance and Arthur!
- And Yvain!
Sorry.
Open the door!
At last!
You were coming today.
- Looks like it.
- Did you forget?
Not exactly, it's a nightmare.
- The housework?
- Those jerks keep bugging me.
Here we go again.
- Get lost!
- It's me!
He's with us.
- Who's he?
- No one. Who's...?
What do you mean, " no one"?
It's Yvain, his son.
The Knight of the Lion.
No, he's right.
A surprise guest for lunch!
I didn't make anything,
but even so...
- Charming.
- Very nice.
Excuse me, it's not that...
I've been tidying this hutch
for months!
It's still a tip!
It smells and there are weevils!
There!
- They're everywhere.
- It's like Kaamalott.
I don't see the similarity.
My room's a mess,
it stinks and has weevils.
I don't want to complain...
- It's not exactly a palace.
- It's a house.
There are little pellets of poop
everywhere!
I'm not stupid.
This was a sheep barn!
It may have been...
We're not estate agents.
We were nice to help you out.
Let's not talk about the house.
The place full of tramps.
They're always wanting things.
- Those are your people!
- What "people"?
You took over the place.
You're their Lord.
You tell them what to do
and give them stuff to eat.
Being Lord of the Manor sucks.
I have to feed those guys?
They're not "guys" !
You can't farm on your own!
Do you think I'm a peasant?
But a Lord tends his fields.
Leodegrance tends his fields?
No, my people do.
And then you feed them?
Yes.
No, they manage on their own.
No, in Cameliard,
I changed the law...
- We'll discuss it later.
- Can we talk now?
Father, I'm hungry.
What can I do about it?
I wasn't talking to you.
Oh, I said father.
It's my fault.
I'm treating you like scum.
I hate this mess.
It's really got me down.
I forgot to cook.
A Lord doesn't usually cook.
His people do.
That's true.
Hey, you bastards!
Roast me a piglet, please!
" Bastards"?
" Please"?
I'll quite miss sleeping with you.
Really?
Don't get me wrong, it's sad,
but swapping wives with the king,
is a big honour!
And you end up with the Queen!
My unstoppable rise to fame!
The Caradoc destiny!
I hope the kids
will understand all this.
We'll explain it. Doll yourself up.
I can't turn up with shoddy goods.
Right.
- What are we waiting for?
- Your wife!
What language do I have
to say it in?
- She's not here!
- We told you that.
I thought you'd have worked it out
for the ceremony!
Worked what out?
She's gone!
I won't say it all again.
Please don't.
- Don't row.
- Be happy!
I have to perform a wife-swap.
One wife is missing.
From a practical point of view...
We talked to Caradoc about this.
We're agreed?
- I knew she wouldn't be here.
- We said so.
We'll make do now.
Then later you can get my wife.
Your wife. It's all settled.
Settled.
Are you going to keep chipping in?
There's still time to stop this.
The swap hasn't been pronounced.
See sense!
God will punish this heresy.
What's he up to?
- Who asked you?
- He's spoiling the atmosphere.
I face up to my responsibilities.
The responsibility of leading
the kingdom into ruin.
- Can't we shut him up?
- We're wasting time.
This morning they said,
"You're a witness. Shut up" .
Bors, a wife-swap is a joyful event.
If you're going to spoil it
you can go home.
- I'll get another witness.
- Maybe that would be best.
That I send you home?
I'll be your witness,
but I still don't approve.
Watch your step and try to smile.
Should I begin?
If I respect the tradition
to the letter,
we'll be here for days.
Go on.
Father,
may I ask a question?
- If you must.
- One thing I'm confused about.
- Only one?
- Go on.
If Guinevere's not Queen,
are you the King's father-in-law?
Your sister's still Queen.
Do you want to take her place?
How can she be Queen
if the King swaps wives?
- Swaps wives?
- With whom?
Caradoc! They've gone
to the wedding place.
" ...and friendship pact.
It's your turn..."
Love being the child of reason,
And the poet's flower daughter...
What's got into you?
You said,
"Start when I say, it's your turn."
It's in here! I didn't mean you.
What?
It's not the song yet.
I messed up my entrance.
Shame. It started well.
I've done all I can.
Now you need a Druid.
I don't believe it!
Was it this long before?
Have you been to one
of these before?
Are they common in Vannes?
Common...
I was little last time I saw one.
From time to time...
- It's true there's a Druid.
- Yes.
Do we have a Druid?
From now on it's in Druidic.
I can't read it.
Neither can our Druid.
- Stop!
- Hold everything!
Celebrating something?
What's all this?
- Why are you here?
- We almost didn't come.
No one told us about it.
You weren't invited.
If you're polite, you'll make tracks.
- One moment!
- One long moment.
What is it now?
- Can't we sort it out later?
- Sort what out?
It'll give you time to decipher this.
I don't need it,
I can't read Druidic.
Are you carrying out
some vile wife-swap?
Don't think it'll be easy!
That's what it is! A wife-swap!
- I'm a witness.
- I see.
Where's the wife to be swapped?
- Getting some air.
- We're carrying on.
When did you decide
to dispense with our consent?
- What a pain!
- They're ruining it!
We've only just begun.
When I torch the place,
it'll ruin it even more.
Your consent was fine
when I married Guinevere,
although a broken leg
would have been better,
but now I'm leaving her...
Swapping her, you mean!
- She left me!
- Who's fault was that?
You planned things well.
To end up with her!
- You made a great bargain!
- What?
- Say something!
- It's no longer my business.
It's not fully pronounced yet.
There's still the Duidic bit.
Don't knights k*ll wife-stealers
any more?
- What about your laws?
- This is Vannian.
You're not from Vannes.
Caradoc and Mevanwi are.
We're respecting the bride's traditions.
You won't relent?
Lady Mevanwi will be my wife.
Then, I'll see to you two.
Meaning?
If you're no longer my in-laws,
you can move out.
You can go back to your shack
in Cameliard.
You haven't heard the last of this.
I'm sure of that.
Are you happy?
It's not as simple as that, but...
It'll happen.
Are you happy?
I don't have my wife yet,
but it'll happen.
Do we hug now?
- Well played. Good move.
- Thank you.
Have I made progress?
- Progress?
- I couldn't even hold the stick.
You disarmed me in minutes.
Now it takes...?
minutes?
Seriously,
have I made much progress?
Let's say,
on a scale of to
you've gone from to .
Out of... ?
"Out of" what?
On a scale, you said?
On a scale of to .
That's wicked!
Given how much they pocket,
that lot at Kaamelott
are a real bunch of shits!
I agree with you.
On a scale of to ,
at they behave like shits,
and at they're better.
They're not bad guys
but they've got no balls.
Like this ban on foreign wine!
It's a bit much!
What am I going to sell?
Local plonk? I'll be ruined.
They've no grasp of reality.
On a scale of to ,
to they ban foreign wine.
to you can't sell local wine.
to ,
they've no grasp of reality.
Of...?
We could put a word
in someone's ear.
Really? I'll take you up on that!
When we say things, people listen.
On a scale of to -
I prefer to be generous -
to , people ignore us,
to , they still ignore us
and only at ,
do they let us speak.
I don't agree.
Those days are long gone.
Forget the past and face the facts.
They take us more seriously now.
Go on.
- What's that?
- Go for it!
It's not easy, but go for it!
It's out of my league.
Go for it!
- On a scale of to ...
- Yes.
to , those days are long gone,
to , forget the past
and at ,
they take us more seriously
than before.
- Was that right?
- It's rubbish!
But you tried,
that's what counts.
I talk like a farmer?
A "stupid farmer" .
He said it for your own good.
You just don't try.
You never catch the pigeon in flight.
What pigeon?
But that's it. It's an image.
You should use images more.
It raises the tone.
For example, when it's hot...
He taught me all this!
You don't say,
"It's so hot" but,
" heat is a dish best served cold."
Very good!
Have I made progress?
On a scale of to ,
to , you speak normally,
to , you're much better and at ,
you're still a stupid jerk. It's fine.
It's funny, not hiding any more.
Get used to it. All that's over.
Are your mistresses mad at me?
No.
But don't turn your back on them.
Keep them in sight, and...
stick to the wall.
And take this. Just in case.
You know...
I've a delicate question to ask you.
Ask me anyway!
Yesterday,
we didn't quite get married, but...
Yes, we did...
- Afterwards you had things to do...
- Yes, I had to...
So we went to bed
just as usual.
Tonight, for example...
Would it be improper to...
You mean for us to...
But afterwards, I wouldn't want...
- I'd love to!
- Me too!
But I wouldn't want you...
No! Quite the contrary!
You mean, sleep together?
- So?
- It's really great.
- The bed in itself isn't...
- No, it's...
It's just a bed.
But there's something...
There's no food!
What?
Caradoc says a bed should have
a week's-worth of food in it.
Life can't have been easy.
Sharing a bed with bits of salami.
Do you fart?
- Speaking generally?
- In bed?
In bed...
Not if I'm with someone.
I may have let off a discreet toot...
- But no. You have to show respect...
- Respect!
I once slept with a pig for a week.
A whole pig?
A live pig!
Live?
Caradoc was afraid of famine.
Why didn't you sleep
somewhere else?
You know you have
a very strong effect on me?
- Because I don't fart in bed?
- No, it's everything.
I bet you change your clothes regularly.
I try to.
- Do you want to drive me wild?
- No.
- Yes!
- You asked me, I told you.
You might have asked...
if I washed regularly...
- Go on!
- Three baths a week.
Breakfast! The eggs are fresh,
unlike some people.
Are you nuts?
It's lack of sleep.
Less than mins, I get moody.
Is it like this every morning?
Is something wrong?
Not at all.
Between the calm of Madam's day
and last night's warfare...
Sir has no sense of moderation.
Sir's all ups and downs.
Sir says, go to hell!
And rude as well.
Get up, or shall I call the guards?
- It's all right!
- It's not all right!
Just because you've got a seat
at the Round Table,
don't think you can be late!
I'll be ready in minutes.
If you don't eat, wash or put on
those revolting clothes.
I've got armour!
Your armour's in Cameliard,
numbskull!
- I told you to go and get it!
- I don't believe it!
Find something decent to wear.
Armour's compulsory.
I'll get k*lled!
No, you'll just look stupid.
If that could k*ll you,
you'd be long gone.
I don't believe it!
All right.
I'm not supposed to accept this!
I should bar you from the meeting.
But I've a letter from your mother
explaining... something.
I left my armour in Cameliard.
Mother gave me this.
It's useless.
I should put you on half rations
for months.
And he's under discussion today!
We'll have to make do.
Bors, state the thing please.
We've been trying to find a mission
for Lords Yvain and Gawain.
Their lack of tactical experience
has made the task rather...
A pain!
We daren't give you an escort
or a mapping mission...
How many people round this table
can do mapping?
I can. It's my speciality.
What's that?
Britain. I've been round it twice.
- Father Blase, read out the mission.
- Right.
Knights Yvain and Gawain
are to take over an outpost
and live in barracks for weeks
to guard our perimeter.
A relatively simple mission,
not necessarily devoid of risk.
I think it's a good idea.
- Any questions?
- Yes, uncle.
There are some terms
I don't understand.
Me too.
A barracks is the same
as a cock-up,
but does a perimeter measure
round your leg or your arm.
Your arm.
You know Britain's an island?
- Yes or no?
- So what?
- What do you mean?
- I've lost the thread.
As Britain's an island,
the invaders will arrive by...?
People come to an island by...?
The thousand?
By Britain!
They arrive by sea.
All around the island,
thanks to your father's insistence,
we've built coastal watchtowers.
What's this to do with Britain?
What if we see invaders?
It depends where you are.
In an isolated post, you light a beacon.
In a series of posts, you blow a horn.
Invaders don't att*ck outposts.
They att*ck them first
to stop the alarm being raised!
I see.
Is it too late to turn the mission down?
There you are!
What were you up to?
The guards are having a blitz.
A tramp got into the castle.
A tramp?
Can't they catch a tramp?
She knows the place.
They saw her then lost her.
A fine fort this is!
- She's wearing white.
- Now I get it!
White's the perfect camouflage!
Don't be surprised if you meet her.
Nothing surprises me here.
I could meet a rhino
and not bat an eyelid!
A what?
It's African.
Like a mouse
but...
more African.
Can't you knock? What if I was...
What happened to you?
- My hand should go right through you!
- I know!
You're frozen!
Are you always this cold?
I don't know!
Lie down here. Get in!
Easy now...
- Try and calm down.
- I can't!
You can.
Listen...
We've an intruder!
- A what?
- Seen anyone?
No!
Yes! No!
Call us at the slightest sound!
Thanks for your concern!
They ba...
Battered you? Who? The guards?
No?
- The Gods!
- They battered you?
No! Ba...
Baptised you?
No?
Baffled?
Badgered? Bagatelle?
Bacchanalia?
- Baritone?
- ... nished!
The Gods " nished" you?
They banished me!
They banished you?
I was meant to guide you
to the Grail!
But you had to go your own way!
Lancelot goes off. " Let him!"
Guinevere goes with him.
"She can get lost!"
Don't covet another Knight's wife.
" I don't care!"
And I'm banished!
I hope you're proud!
What can I do if your Gods are...
Blaspheming as well?
Haven't you done enough?
I'm still looking for the Grail...
Given your success rate,
you'll have to find
to get noticed.
I'm banished!
Drink this. It'll do you good.
What is it?
It was warm milk.
It's cold now, but never mind.
How do you do it?
What?
Drink from a cup?
Don't...
Don't you know how?
I don't know how to drink, eat,
dress myself or anything...
Am I going to be a burden to you?
What's all this?
Barging in without knocking!
What's got into you?
I looked out of my window
this morning.
- I looked into the courtyard.
- And?
Meet me downstairs in seconds!
What have you been up to?
How do I know?
Through doing everything I can
to piss him off
I've completely forgotten!
So, what's wrong?
I've had it with your whims.
Don't you see anything odd?
Odd? You mean the castle?
It's ugly. You've got crap taste
in architecture.
I'm talking about that thing
like a cowpat
in everyone's way in the courtyard!
If it's in their way they go round it!
If they tried to go through it...
That junk wasn't there before!
- Before what?
- While it was being built!
No, it was where the guy built it.
- Why did you move it?
- It's finished!
People should see it!
When you realized
it was too big
to fit through the gates,
you said, "We'll fire it from inside".
If we're going to do that,
fire it from the eastern rampart.
What can you fire at here?
It doesn't really fire.
- What?
- You can't fire it.
The sling's so big,
there's not enough room
for the arm to swing.
Are you taking the piss?
It's not made to be inside!
It's not as if I didn't tell you!
I haven't been through
the courtyard recently...
So?
I hope your junk's gone.
I've guests coming.
- It's tricky.
- In what way?
It's gone or it hasn't.
What's tricky about that?
You have to see.
It's hard to explain.
What is there to explain?
I said, "Get rid of that catapult!"
Have you done it?
We'll see when we've eaten.
- You'll see when you're looking at it.
- It's still there?
- It's tricky.
- It isn't still there!
Let's go right now.
Go and have a look.
Give us some air.
Can we never eat in peace?
How can this be my fault?
Can't you ask your questions
after the meal?
You say it's simple.
I'm completely lost.
Is there a catapult in the courtyard?
It's not as simple as that.
There was another being made
and we'd paid up front.
I couldn't make the guy stop!
Why deprive ourselves!
This one's been made smaller!
The arm's been designed
to miss the walls and ramparts.
So?
It won't bring down the walls!
Too kind. So we can use it?
With the other one, there's no room.
What?
We've turned them every which way,
but we can't fire them.
We're paying for your bad
defence policy.
In bed already?
I haven't got up for ages?
Don't you want to go out?
Outside?
For instance...
In my nightie?
You could get dressed.
In a gown and everything?
I've never dressed myself,
or done my own hair.
I know, but we agreed
we'd have to change our ways here.
I have!
I don't get up any more!
I've a message from Sir Lancelot.
Stick your message!
May I?
You may! Go on!
Hobnobbing with those traitors!
" Is there anything you need?"
Wait.
It's not from Lancelot.
- It's from Queen Guinevere.
- I see...
She still thinks she's Queen?
She is, officially.
The King's changed wife.
- He's nothing to do with it.
- Put a sock in it!
What's the message?
May they have a lady's maid?
What?
Would you like her gift-wrapped?
How about a few cherries on top?
They've got a nerve!
All right.
The Queen will get her following
tomorrow.
Why?
Because I do as I like.
Can it!
You have to respect him.
It's a noble gesture.
- You're not obliged...
- I know that.
I can get rid of that great lump
Angharad!
Tell Lady Seli to give her notice.
Don't say I gave the order.
Can I go now?
Lancelot wasn't sure I'd leave alive.
Go on...
Sorry, I could have helped
in Cameliard, but here...
Put it there.
- Right on top?
- It's a tradition.
May I ask?
It's with deep regret
that I have to leave my job.
Really, why's that?
I know Sir worked his ass off
to get me out of here.
I'll be spared the sight
of the big parade.
The endless new faces,
the heavy-weights of the easy lay!
- The festival of the floozies!
- What?
You'll be leaving
with a slap in the face!
Since no one is irreplaceable,
may I introduce the young lady
I have instructed on my daily duties.
I was blunt.
It's good to know what's afoot.
I agree.
If I get up I know exactly
where my foot will be going!
Get out.
What are you doing?
I thought you'd finished.
Halt! Who goes there?
Angharad!
The Queen sent for me!
So where is she?
Where's who?
They said, "We'll send her following."
The Queen's following.
That's me. Her following.
I can't see her...
There you are!
I said to come this morning.
You turn up at !
I'm not at your beck and call.
Stuff your timetables.
- I come when I want.
- It's important, for crying out loud!
Drop your dung buckets
for a minute.
I'll drop one you in a minute!
Listen...
Bugger off!
I'll give you seconds, that's all!
If you start yelling,
you'll get a slap and I'll go home.
I'm busy!
Doing what?
Don't take the piss!
Your farm's a ruin!
It's neglected.
There's grass up to here
and the beasts haven't eaten
since Autumn!
Did you get me here
to grate my grapes?
If you did...
No! Stay there.
We have to talk.
Would you agree it's all falling apart?
Falling apart? My place?
Hold on...
Not your place! Although, it is.
I was talking about us.
Us who?
The farming community!
What's wrong with it?
We're being screwed
by the government!
- That's what!
- I'd say things are better.
Better?
We're not complaining.
I guess it's better!
We usually stop work
for any reason
and kick up a fuss.
- Since it's so quiet...
- Exactly.
It can't last.
If we're too quiet,
they'll screw us twice as hard!
So, we're off!
Firstly, we down tools,
secondly,
we block food deliveries,
thirdly, we make demands.
We're revolting!
Out with the pitchforks
and up to the castle?
I know the routine,
why all the drama?
That's just it: this time,
before kicking up a fuss,
we're trying something new.
I've been planning it for weeks.
Something new?
Listen up.
We're going to try,
before making a fuss,
to work out
why we're revolting!
Why?
What does it matter?
It just means more talking...
Last time they asked,
we couldn't tell them!
We were undermined.
And, what's more,
we can't blame them.
If we don't know what we want
it's hard to negotiate.
So what do we do?
We have to pinpoint
what we think is wrong
before...
stirring things up.
I agree, our lives are crap.
We're up to our knees in muck.
But it's not their fault it stinks!
It's everything!
What does Arthur do if the crops fail?
Gives us money!
What?
Last year it failed and he gave us
what he pays for a full harvest!
All right!
But money isn't everything!
What about respect?
I don't know what that means.
So, everything's fine?
It just isn't their fault.
So we shut up and stay at home?
No! We'll chuck some stones
and start a few fires!
But it's not really their fault.
I hope you've kept shtum?
What about?
The spy.
I think so.
You think so?
If I'm away on business, I let on.
People are impressed
that I get you spies.
I told you not to say!
What if they hear in Lancelot's camp?
Impossible.
Your spy's about to arrive.
- He tells people he's your spy!
- What?
He doesn't shout about it,
but he lets it be discreetly known.
CVs are important these days.
I'd just like to check a few details.
I'm listening.
A few things I don't get.
It's a bit complicated...
I don't quite understand
when you sent them there?
Sent who where?
Lancelot and his g*ng?
Oh, no!
What's wrong?
I didn't send him there.
He betrayed me!
How does this make me look?
Do the others know?
Do the soldiers know
they're not with you?
So?
So what?
Did you get filled in?
- With what?
- What?
Have I misunderstood?
Didn't you see your spy?
What makes you think I have a spy?
We all know you do!
We agreed on it.
It's a good thing.
For once.
This is crazy!
We agreed, but then I kept it secret.
I was super careful.
Not careful enough.
We all know.
You saw him this morning.
What did he say?
I'm flabbergasted.
What did he say?
He's a very unusual kind of spy.
Don't I usually do the spying?
Yes, but... How can I put it?
This was serious.
We didn't want a clueless moron
getting bagged like a pheasant.
I see.
But I'm not sure my guy's any better.
In short,
from what I understand,
the other side,
is getting organized.
It's not a fortress yet,
but the camp's getting bigger.
This is awful!
We're heading for a major conflict!
If my daughter wasn't with them,
I'd have weeded them out!
They'd be hanging from the trees,
Lancelot first.
What will you do?
Can't we send someone secretly
into their camp
to watch their movements?
I'm good at that!
Maybe that's spying...
I'm not sure...
Tell me, is your spy crap?
No, he's good.
He doesn't look it.
I sent him to spy here once.
He was spying on me?
No, the joint.
I used to rob stately homes.
He was casing the furniture.
I didn't know you then.
Surfacing at last?
Hurry into your clothes.
What's happening now?
We're dining with your son-in-law.
Again?
This is becoming a mania!
- We ate there yesterday!
- And we're doing it today.
We've got to keep in there.
Can't you give it a rest?
No! We won't be shafted!
The Queen's gone but we're here!
Noon, night, summer and winter!
I hate eating with him.
Me too! That's not the point.
What would you prefer?
A romantic dinner with me?
Now you're being stupid.
Get up!
I don't feel very well.
That's normal.
If I'd wrecked a Kingdom
and jeopardized a whole civilisation
with one casual fling,
I'd feel poorly too.
You don't even warm up now!
Straight off at the gallop!
All I need to warm up is my voice.
This was a bad idea.
Should I go?
Remain seated.
Someone should go,
but not you.
You're on form too!
Provocation's fine occasionally!
But look at the table!
Isn't something out of place?
Does she mean me?
I agree.
Your faces are out of place.
You are here as my in-laws.
Your daughter's left
the marital home.
I'm not here as an in-law.
What are you here as?
A minister!
I'm the minister's wife!
I don't eat with my ministers!
Or their wives!
What's she here as?
Whoever I ask to dine with me.
And also,
whether you like it or not,
as my new wife.
I never heard such rubbish!
You've got a nerve!
You were at the ceremony.
You used another country's law
to swap wives.
- We're not fools!
- It was a farce!
A country that's unified with mine!
What's the problem?
You do what you want
and that's all.
You made agreements with us.
If you swap wives, they're void!
Which ones in particular?
Try not to say anything stupid.
Maybe you think I'm politically inept?
I've patched up your disasters
for years!
You'd have lost Cameliard by now!
It's best not to encourage her.
If we leave the Federation,
you'll be screwed!
So will we. Shut up!
I give you back your independence.
It's fine. She's just angry.
- I'm not!
- Well I am. Shut up!
Is this normal?
You don't seem at all bothered!
I am. We react differently.
You don't react!
You react too much!
She's his new wife.
I'm still at the Round Table,
I'm in charge of Defence,
I eat at his table!
I go peacefully along,
steal a bit of cash
and keep a low profile.
Have you no pride?
Pride...
If I had that,
I'd never have married you.
Did you sleep well?
Marvellously well.
- Didn't the mosquitoes bug you?
- Not at all.
- Or the howling wolves?
- No.
You didn't either.
I didn't either?
To be honest,
I'm surprised
you don't try it on with me.
We lie together every night and...
I see what you're getting at.
Put it down
to inexperience.
I've been saving myself for you
forever.
I hoped
you'd be able to teach me
a few things about love.
Oh boy,
we're not out of the woods yet!
I didn't sleep a wink!
Is that my fault?
I could complain about the snoring...
If a guy's a pain all day
you'd hope for a break at night...
You could sleep in the hen house!
Or blanch your gullet.
It's not that, anyway.
It's your disaster of a daughter.
- That again!
- Yes, that.
Again and again!
If we don't fix this,
our social standing's done for!
Fortunately I have a plan.
- See how smart I am.
- I've an idea.
If it turns out
Sir Lancelot's handier than Arthur
in the bedroom...
- Meaning?
If he's more upstanding
than that mollusc Arthur...
our girl might soon
await a happy event!
That's when you declare w*r
on Lancelot.
What? Declare w*r?
You get her back,
put her on the throne
and say she's having the heir.
People aren't stupid.
They'll know it's a bastard!
Lancelot won't let us steal his bird.
Not if she's pregnant!
There's a moment
when you have to step in.
I'll admit,
that's the risky bit.
We declare w*r on Lancelot,
to retrieve the Queen
to provide an heir
in the hope she's pregnant
and not with a girl.
That's about it.
And I'm the element of risk?
It's worth a try.
Try without me!
I hear stupid plans all day.
I don't need them in bed as well!
Don't tell me
you don't know how to do it!
I've always been celibate.
I've got an excuse.
You've been married!
Strangely enough,
married or not,
no one's ever touched me!
You don't even know in theory?
Someone explained it once...
It's like riding!
Explain all you want but in the end,
you have to get on and do it!
Riding's easy.
It's all the rest.
Can't one of your men explain it?
That's not a good idea.
Men love talking about that stuff.
Yes, experienced men.
But inexperienced men
become the butt of their jibes.
I think my authority would suffer
if my men knew I was a stupid virgin!
- May I wish you good day?
- Would you be discreet?
I just wanted to say
that I'd like to show willing,
but miracles are beyond me.
I mean breakfast.
Do we care?
We make do with whatever there is.
I don't know where that's kept,
so we've no food.
I just caught this.
Rat's tough in the morning.
May I ask a question?
Do you need permission?
It's to do with a person,
if you see what I mean?
No, I don't see.
Madam will have told Sir
about this person's liking for me.
I mean Sir Percival.
To tell you the truth,
I've better things to think about.
What's it to do with me?
Sir tends to seal off the area
and screen all visitors.
I only just got in.
- That's because...
- No, it's...
I want to be sure
that Sir Percival
will have free access.
A waster from Kaamelott?
It's looking bad!
You can see that moron
at the camp gate.
If you bring him in here,
I'll set the dogs on him!
I see.
He doesn't mince words.
Sir is aware
he's complicating my love life?
It won't stop Sir from sleeping.
Who goes there?
- Sir Caradoc.
- And Sir Percival.
It doesn't sound good like that.
- It's like a corny act.
- It's different.
Maybe don't point at each other.
- It's like you're going to sing.
- Forget it.
What do you want?
I want my wife.
Your wife? Who's that?
Queen Guinevere.
He swapped with King Arthur.
Mevanwi was Caradoc's wife.
Now she's Arthur's.
And Arthur's wife is mine.
I've come to get her.
That's the same.
If you finish someone's sentence,
it sounds rehearsed.
No one's allowed in.
I don't want to come in!
Bring my wife here.
Guinevere doesn't leave here.
But I can bring you your fiancée.
Who's that?
The new maid?
Angharad! She works here now.
I don't understand.
What's this to do with my wife?
Nothing. Angharad said,
"Tell me if Sir Percival comes."
You wouldn't normally be allowed in.
That's not why we're here.
- We're here for Guinevere!
- I can't bring her here.
If she isn't here in minutes,
we'll force our way in.
He said, " minutes!"
Sorry. It's fine.
Fine.
How can I get my wife out?
We'll find a way.
I can't go in, she can't come out...
Don't worry about it!
Let's eat. It'll help us think.
Break out the sausage!
Don't forget the bread.
We have to stop this double act!
We sound like idiots!
- Did you hear footsteps?
- Footsteps? No.
I thought I heard someone.
I didn't hear anything.
Shall we go and look?
How many are there?
I'm not sure I heard
anything at all...
But if you did,
how many were there?
Sounded like one man.
Or woman.
That's good.
One man can't inv*de us.
Specially if it's a woman.
Someone's coming up!
- Do I light the beacon?
- Hurry!
It's me!
- Uncle?
- What a fright!
You scared us stiff!
You could have warned us!
Warned you?
Remind me why you're here?
Here comes the ticking off.
Great.
To see that no one enters Britain,
particularly by sea.
All right.
How will you see
with the shutters closed?
They're not always shut!
Only at night!
They're open during the day.
When does your day begin?
It's gone noon!
It begins when we get up!
We shut them at night
when we light the lamps,
to stop bugs getting in.
So, at night you shut the shutters
and light the lamps inside.
Exactly.
You wouldn't see someone coming?
But he would see the tower
because of the light.
We hadn't thought of that.
Hold on!
We didn't make the shutters!
They're there to be used!
Open them, you assholes!
Day and night!
You shut them against arrows!
You take turns to sleep,
and get up at dawn!
Got it?
And if we need a lie-in?
- Someone's coming!
- Light the beacon!
It's me!
- " Beacon..."
- Father! How did you get here?
By road.
Down the middle.
- Didn't you see me?
- We watch the beach.
- We were taking a break...
- We don't look that way.
And if they att*ck from the road?
We were told to look
for invaders that came by sea!
Those that come by road
are already in Britain!
Why are there windows
all round a watchtower?
To let the air in!
They should make them bigger.
In hot weather, it's unbearable.
Good idea.
I could push you out of one!
Coo-ee!
It's Sir Bors!
Sir Bors?
How did you get here?
By the beach. The air's bracing.
I had a nice walk.
I know...
Go where you were.
You see?
He came from behind the upright.
I was afraid it was my fault!
Enough work for today.
Who'd like a tart?
Me!
Sire!
What's wrong?
I have to talk to you.
Please do. I'll sleep later!
I don't get it.
Ever since we swapped wives
I've been out of sorts.
What's wrong?
It's my new wife, Guinevere.
I can't work her out.
Have you seen her since the swap?
No. They won't let me
into the camp.
- Bumped into her?
- No.
Could that be the problem?
It doesn't help.
In fact, she's my wife
but I hardly know her!
Neither did I when I married her.
Tell me about her.
I'd rather not.
Be a sport.
Her little ways.
What do I know about them?
Has she hobbies?
Winding me up.
She did a lot of that.
And she embroidered patterns.
I knew she was an artist.
They were as ugly as sin.
I got bookmarks all the time.
I've times more bookmarks
than books.
What should I do
to make him give her back?
I don't know.
I always wanted him to keep her.
You're in control of your feelings.
That's vital.
I have my problems.
Everyone does!
I can't even get my wife!
Sire, has my relationship
with Angharad reached an impasse?
I don't really care.
Tell me Sire. Be nice!
You've been seeing her for years,
you've never even kissed her!
It's full of lead,
bogged down and walled in.
That's what I feel too.
It just needs a little help
to become really good.
That's why I'm not giving up.
Sometimes it doesn't take much.
Don't be defeatist.
You bottle things up.
You have to talk.
It's no good otherwise.
Look! Angharad's coming.
Seize the opportunity!
Get things straightened out!
No! It'll take days!
Another time, let's go.
I can be difficult sometimes.
Sir Percival, Sir will agree,
leaves the talking to others.
He's a sensitive man.
More of a listener.
Don't you work for Lancelot now?
I came to get some things for Madam.
That's the same!
I can never put the energy
I put into my work,
into getting out of
an emotional impasse.
Let me ask you, Sir...
Does Sir think
I'm at an impasse with Sir Percival?
Stop!
- What have I done now?
- I'll tell you.
We've received a letter.
"We still await confirmation
"that the great Druid Merlin,
" Enchanter of Kaamelott
"will be attending
the Gathering of the Crow,
blah, blah, blah..."
I haven't sent it.
- Why?
- I'm not going.
Would a boot up the backside
get you there?
I'm not going.
You're the only Druid
who isn't going.
- We'll look stupid.
- If I go I'll mess everything up.
That's not your style!
- When I want your opinion...
- You didn't go last year.
I didn't mention it.
This time you're going.
I'll have to make up jokes.
We tried last time,
I'm crap at jokes!
- You're crap at everything.
- Haven't you work to do?
- I've done it.
- Can't you make yourself a potion?
Ajoke-making potion?
- I've no formula for that.
- And you?
- Anything helpful in stock?
- Forget it!
Him screwing up in front
of all the others is too good to miss!
- I'll bring my friends!
- I'm not going.
- Time to start practising!
- Sire!
No "Sires". Get in here!
- He said me, not you.
- I know.
That's sharing a lab for you.
Whenever you screw up
I get a front row seat!
And he steps on the dragon's foot.
The dragon says, " I say..."
It doesn't just come like that!
- He stands on the dragon's foot.
- Paw.
All right.
And the dragon says,
"You've got a nerve!"
Make an effort!
You're a lousy audience.
It's not bad,
it's not even a joke.
If the dragon stood on the guy's foot,
he could say,
"You've got spark!"
There!
It's not thigh-slapping humour
but at least it means something.
The dragon breathing sparks?
- Is that funny?
- It's a start...
It's not as good as,
"You've got a nerve!"
Let me practise in peace.
- Another one!
- Let's have a laugh.
There's this Caledonian...
What did I say?
You don't know where this is going.
We're not tourists!
- It gets better!
- Go on.
A Caledonian meets a Saxon Chief...
I know it!
The Saxon says,
"You've got a nerve"?
Wait! This would unkink
a sheep's wool!
I've had enough!
It's great!
Save it for the Gathering.
I'll tell you anyway.
A guy arrives at a castle...
What castle?
This one.
The guards won't let him in.
So he says,
"You Kaamelott of bastards!"
Lot of bastards. Get it?
It's a k*ller!
Write it down quickly!
Write this down, too!
- They're not up.
- It's almost noon.
- Be reasonable.
- They're not up.
Yesterday I shouted myself horse,
"Tomorrow, we set off at dawn!"
They're not here.
They're still in bed.
It's their first real mission.
Cut them some slack.
Slack?
years of slack!
years of lax education.
Our daughter abandons the throne
and runs away with a bum,
our son can't hold a spoon
or get up before noon...
With all this slack,
we'll soon be taken for gypsies!
They're not up.
- Maybe.
- Definitely.
I say they are.
They're packing a few last things.
We just have to find them.
You look for them,
I'll send some guards to their room
to boot them down here!
Any objection?
- What difference would it make?
- None.
Only one of those jerks
is actually ours.
Without being unkind
I won't adopt people's retards
because they get on with mine.
Go on, philosophize.
Think things over.
Then shift your ass
and do something!
Like what?
Stand there and keep them awake?
I do it for you.
You infuriate me!
I've wasters to find.
We struck lucky!
A fine pair of partridges!
- We're not presentable!
- It's a bit brutal!
Your post is six hours from here.
Even if you left in seconds,
you won't get there before nightfall!
Unless we give them a boost.
Can't we catapult them there?
We were late to bed.
We overslept!
- We were working!
- On what?
How to pass for gypsies?
On finding a route
suited to our style of travel.
The normal route's OK
if you're riding, but on foot...
We worked out a route
avoiding the areas
where we might get caught
in brambles.
Why?
- They scratch!
- Scratch!
Riding isn't an option...
Your son and I share an aversion
for the equine race.
It's horses I don't like.
Going by foot adds to our renown.
We even nurse the hope
of one day getting nicknames
because of it.
Nicknames aren't hard to get.
I can think of a few for you.
I'm The Knight of the Lion.
You might give that up
for something more apt.
What?
You'll know what
when people talk about you...
And the bards sing about you!
We're joyful,
that's the first thing.
We walk everywhere.
I'd go for something like
The Gay Ramblers.
What?
If you engage in one feat of arms
under that name,
I'll disinherit you!
You can't do that!
Why not?
I did that years ago!
I was thinking...
Maybe we could say,
"The Gay Ramblers
with one of the Lion"?
I promise you,
if this is some two-bit affair,
you're going to get your ass kicked.
For once, I'm dragging you
off on a quest!
Can't you take your mate?
This needs someone hot-headed.
- Level-headed.
- Can't you say hot-headed?
I wouldn't be much use
if I was hot-headed.
Come on.
- This is the inn?
- The rooms are upstairs.
Guys take rooms here
go to sleep,
and in the night,
they get beaten up and robbed.
So some hoodlums
are ravaging the vicinity.
No ravishing as yet,
but still...
It's a good quest.
I've prepared everything.
- Don't worry.
- Why should I?
Let's go!
- You're going to say it's lousy.
- What?
My plan.
You'll think it's crummy.
- I don't care.
- Go on.
What we'll do is,
spread the rumour
that we're loaded with money.
We'll take a room,
go up and pretend to sleep.
With a bit of luck,
the bandits will att*ck us
and we'll catch them!
It's not that bad.
It's almost what we should do.
But...?
If we're rich,
we shouldn't dress as beggars.
You see? Stupid mistake!
What a jerk!
I always screw up!
No, it's very good.
I'm pleased
you're looking for quests to do.
The rest will come.
How many bandits there are?
- I've no idea.
- Try to find out next time.
If of them att*ck us,
we're done for.
It's the little things...
Are you asleep?
No, I'm not asleep.
When I'm in bed and it's dark,
I really want to go to sleep.
Stay on the ball.
It's better if you're awake
when they arrive.
Do we k*ll them?
We'll try not to.
It's hard not to k*ll people
in the dark.
Defend yourself.
Don't worry about the rest.
Someone's coming!
Pretend to be asleep.
att*ck at the last moment.
- What are you doing?
- Pretending to be asleep.
Just shut up.
Attacking sleeping people isn't nice!
I'm doing my job.
The other bits aren't nice either.
The poor guy's snoring away,
and you don't pull your punches!
If the guy's asleep,
I nab his cash and that's it!
I don't hit people for fun.
Nor do I!
That was me.
I panicked and punched you!
- It's not possible!
- That's the way it is!
Do you know how serious this is?
It's official!
I was there!
I officiated during the swap!
The King swapped wives
with another Knight?
Yes, yes and yes again!
That's grotesque!
And Guinevere went off
with Caradoc?
Yes and no.
Yes and no?
It's tricky.
I don't know where to begin.
Start by admitting
you have a drink problem.
Why are we discussing it?
If the King's with Caradoc's wife,
I'll see for myself!
Next time I see him,
there's a % chance his " new wife"
will be with him.
- Maybe.
I see!
They don't appear together often.
What a pity!
But I was there.
Why don't you believe me?
Coveting another Knight's wife
is extremely serious.
The Knights' laws demand
a duel to the death.
As the one who ruins his eyes
writing the laws down,
don't you think I know?
I can't imagine Arthur
indulging in such behaviour!
As I said, he used
an old Vannois law by which...
I won't believe this turgid saga
until I have proof!
Until then, you're a drunk.
You know what we'll do?
At this hour,
the King takes a nap.
During his nap, he likes to...
What?
He likes to... You know?
I'll knock on his door
on some pretext
and with a bit of luck,
he'll be at it with his new wife.
At what?
- You know.
- Oh, yes!
- Sire...There you are!
- I was looking for you.
- I'm here.
- I have to talk to you.
Can't it wait?
Not really. Although everything
can wait of course...
What do you want?
I see you looking at me.
I'm here as an observer.
To observe what?
Our friend has a question for you,
I'm supervising.
It's very simple.
But it's a bit delicate.
May I step inside,
where no one will bother us?
No.
No.
Was that your question?
Whether you could come in?
- I'll wait for a better moment.
- I thought it was urgent!
No, everything's fine!
Go back to your business.
That was really worthwhile!
Is that your proof?
Wouldn't he let you in?
He has many reasons not to let us in!
His hair was a mess! He was at it!
Even so,
maybe he was with a mistress!
He was with Lady Mevanwi.
You should drink less!
I'm knocking again.
I'm going to get annoyed.
You're not the only one!
- You again?
- I'm very sorry.
I know you need your rest...
So!
I hesitated because I wasn't sure
if you napped after lunch
or waited a few hours...
Spit it out!
Right now,
I'm trying to have a sleep!
That's it! I'm so sorry.
No harm done.
Maybe you aren't alone...
Are you looking for a thump?
What do you want?
I'm sorry to have disturbed you
during your nap.
Please apologize to your...
He won't believe me! Tell him!
I'm very much afraid our priest
is telling the sad truth.
The King is married to Lady Mevanwi.
Are you convinced now?
No, not at all.
Arthur is a noble king.
He respects the law.
I can't imagine him
with another Knight's wife.
How can you be so stubborn!
I wish it wasn't true.
He's lying with her right now.
It's infuriating!
He's with a mistress.
I'm not going back there.
I don't believe a word of your story.
Let's move on.
No! I'll show you!
Bors, you go!
Go where?
Knock on the door.
I've done it twice.
Next time he'll smack me.
You want me to disturb his nap?
Find out who he's with!
I'm not going to ask him straight out!
Put it any way you want.
You've got a problem!
I'm really sorry...
To disturb me during my nap?
It's easy not to!
Don't knock on the door!
I'm sorry... and whoever is in...
I suppose you're supervising?
We're not part of the discussion.
Bors has something to say.
What, in hell's name,
do you want?
We thought we saw Demetra
this morning and...
She seemed off colour.
We were worried.
Since you sometimes nap with her...
I've no idea. She isn't here.
Really.
I won't get him up again!
You nearly did it then!
This time you say we saw Mevanwi!
He's not with Mevanwi.
I'll count to five!
I was wrong!
It was Lady Mevanwi we met.
- She didn't look well!
- Get out of here!
Fire!
It's a disaster!
Get dressed. You never know.
He's talking to his mistress.
I don't believe it!
We'll soon see!
Forget it.
There isn't even any smoke.
Lounging around?
Have you gone crazy!
No, I'm rat-catching!
- Disinfecting!
- I can't breathe!
That's quite possible.
- What did I do?
- What? That's tricky.
You were born!
That wasn't very nice!
I've thrown you out of the castle
times
and you're still here!
Not always!
I throw you out of one room,
you go into another.
When I throw you out of that one
you find a way to pirate a cupboard!
I've done nothing wrong!
To be honest,
I've known cockroaches less stubborn!
Why? Because!
You can't sleep here forever!
Why not?
I have to sleep in a mistress's bed.
It gets tiring after a while.
And when I'm in my room,
I want to relax
and have people in
without you being here!
Like who?
None of your business.
You've no wife.
I swapped her for another one.
So I do have a wife.
You know what I think about that.
I couldn't care less.
That's not the point.
You want me to sleep
in a hen house!
It's not a hen house!
Hen houses are different.
It smells, anyway!
But it's not the same.
What can I do?
The Gods banished you!
You could have stopped it happening!
It's done now.
I'm happy to get something together
for you until things get better.
If they ever do.
It's not easy!
I had lots of ideas,
but you can't do anything!
You can't wash or dress yourself!
I'm normally a Goddess!
A Goddess...
Well, an angel.
I don't have to know
how to do that with the Gods.
I don't know what to do with you.
You can't be a maid -
you can't carry a spoon.
You can't be my mistress
because you'd say stupid things
to the other mistresses.
What do we do?
For now, you'll have to live
as a recluse.
- In a cupboard?
- Where no one will poke their nose.
May I cry a bit?
Sire?
What are you doing?
How can I get rid of you?
By torching your trousers?
And you?
What do you mean?
What are you doing here?
Resting.
Resting.
That's right.
In a shed?
In a shed.
It's quiet.
There's no one to bother me,
apart from oafs like you.
I'm recharging.
In a shed?
Life's not always easy.
Sire! It's terrible.
Get out, Bors! Not now.
The Burgundian king's coming
to discuss the siege!
But Attila's here!
He saw the Burgundians
were besieging us!
He wants to att*ck us
from the south.
Everything's pointing north
at those other idiots!
We're all going to die!
Pincered by those bloodthirsty
degenerates.
We should flee!
There's something we can try!
Try, Sire?
Bring the Burgundian here,
not to the dining hall.
Aside from the negotiations,
he's really here to eat!
Give him some food here!
On the Round Table?
Put a cloth down
so he doesn't mess it up.
Go and get him.
How's tricks?
- Spoon.
- Super. Bring in Attila.
You're putting those two nutters
in the same room?
Do as I tell you!
If we take a risk we might pull through!
Sort out the Burgundians,
then bring Attila in!
He has to come in now!
He's almost finished eating!
He has to be eating?
He can't say something stupid
if his mouth's full.
The birds whistle.
The spring whistles!
It's risky but we've no choice.
Bring him in!
It's over, Arthur!
Over.
The Burgundians are attacking
from above
and I...
... am attacking from below!
Burgundians?
Go on eating.
- Eating?
- Yes, eating.
- Spoon?
- Yes, spoon.
- They aren't attacking me.
- What?
They aren't attacking me.
Not attacking?
Their catapults are pointed
at the castle!
I don't understand the tactic...
They are my allies.
See? We're eating together!
Their catapults
are pointing south.
- At the castle!
- No, at you!
They're ready to fire over the castle
and hit you
in the face.
Have you seen their arsenal?
It's enough to demolish half the island.
I sold it to them.
Aren't you pushing it a bit?
It's tough, but there you go.
One day I'll get you, Arthur!
I'll raze Kaamelott to the ground!
But today you're up
against too many people.
How many are you this time?
Two!
Two.
Two of them are worse
than of the others!
Attila! Troopaskaya!
What's up?
You'll ruin everything!
What's going on?
Nothing. It's traditional.
Troopa!
He wants to withdraw his troops!
Troooooopa!
It was a fine ceremony.
- What do you call it?
- A dubbing.
Right.
The lad looked a bit uneasy.
I don't know how I'd have felt.
Don't start that again!
You had to be dubbed
to sit at the Round Table.
But I can't be at the Round Table.
I re-dubbed you, just in case.
Don't wind me up.
It was quick. No one saw.
It doesn't count.
Who do you think I am?
The porter?
I dubbed you.
It doesn't matter who sees,
you cretin!
- Even if no one sees?
- Of course!
Can't you re-do it?
I really like it.
The lad knew his poem well.
- It's not a poem.
- What is it?
It's a ceremonial text.
Part of a ritual.
He knew it.
That's true.
Well done him.
Lucky I was never dubbed.
I'd never have remembered it.
What was it he said,
that thing...
" In memory of Uther the Dragon?"
Uther Pendragon?
Who?
Pendragon. He's not a dragon.
Pendragon? Who's that?
My father.
We never see your father...
He d*ed.
sh*t.
Just this week?
No, not this week.
It wasn't his ceremony?
I never knew my father.
How do you know his name?
Do I have to get hopping mad
and boot you down the stairs?
I'm trying to understand.
Understand what?
- He was Britain's greatest king!
- You're the king!
The star of the Celtic world!
Didn't your parents mention him?
What do they know?
All they do is stack turnips!
- They're not into bow and scrapery.
- What?
All that King and Queen stuff...
I taught myself!
Hand on sword when you go by....
You never do that!
I forget!
When you're in danger,
better to die defending you
than oneself.
What?
What did you say?
Priority to the life most worthy.
What does that mean?
If we're ambushed
it's better you survive than me.
Who told you that?
One of the others.
We sacrifice ourselves to save you.
You must never do that!
- If it's the law...
- Never do that!
If we get ambushed,
run for your life!
Got it?
If you say so.
The lad said,
"Give my life for my King"?
That's the ritual.
He won't do it?
Not really.
Or the others?
I don't give a sh*t about them.
I don't want you doing it.
Why?
Because...
You're not dubbed.
You don't have the right.
But you re-dubbed me!
No one saw. It doesn't count.
- That makes six empty ones.
- They're always empty.
- You're doing it wrong.
- Obviously!
You have to set them just right.
- I don't know how.
- Why do it?
It's a family tradition.
We all trap birds.
No one's told you how?
No one knows.
We've never caught a single bird!
It's demob day!
Awesome!
Have you packed?
No, but it's awesome!
Let's hurry!
- The relief will be here any minute!
- Awesome!
Should we tidy up?
No, seriously?
I don't see the point
if we're leaving.
Really?
I don't see the point
when we're here.
I can't help thinking
about the guys replacing us.
What do we care? We're going?
When they see the state of the place,
they might be so annoyed
that they'll abuse us.
As in, b*at us up?
That's possible.
Let's tidy up.
Come on!
"A stout heart doesn't cut
a fine figure" .
What are you doing here?
I don't know.
I'm always sort of here!
- Didn't you go off with that idiot?
- Who?
Caradoc.
Go off where?
We've got a problem.
Are you being intentionally stupid?
What did I do?
We met here yesterday.
I made you repeat it!
- You were meant to leave at dawn!
- So?
Is this you gone?
- You didn't say that!
- I did!
Not exactly.
- Maybe not exactly...
- There you are!
I have to use exactly the right words?
You didn't say, " leave" !
Didn't I?
- I said to replace the chaps!
- It's done!
- What is?
- I went this morning.
- Where?
- To replace my traps.
Replace your...
Traps! My bird traps!
Replace the chaps!
Yvain and Gawain!
- At the outpost!
- I misunderstood!
If they don't come,
we tidied up for nothing.
That's true.
I'm hungry.
Me too.
I don't want to eat and make crumbs.
I don't want to sweep up again.
Me neither.
Would I have ordered you
to replace your traps?
It did seem strange.
I go every weeks anyway
and today was the day.
Every weeks?
Roughly.
Don't you check them every day?
Every day?
Doesn't the catch get eaten?
We do it every weeks.
It's always fine.
- Who goes there?
- Don't you know us yet?
It's a turn of phrase.
In this context,
it's more, "What do you want?"
Don't you know?
The same thing as usual.
Guinevere.
And I'll give you the same answer.
You're not allowed in.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Why bother coming back?
It's always the same.
It's a ruse.
I'm getting him used to us.
I ask the same thing,
he gives the same answer.
Then one day, bang!
I'll ask something different!
He'll be caught off guard
and will let me in.
I heard all that.
Your ruse really stinks.
I don't want you to get her for me.
Too kind.
Just give me an army!
An army? Of course!
What will you do with it?
A retro-planned manoeuvre.
A what?
Like you, when you lead
your troops!
I don't know that manoeuvre.
When the enemy's in a place
and your troops att*ck...
An att*ck?
Isn't there another name...
There are other names,
but not " retro-planned" .
Give me two or three men
and I'll explain it to them.
No. I don't want to start
an offensive against Lancelot.
If you att*ck,
you att*ck in your own name
without my support.
My own name?
You're attacking as what?
As Caradoc!
So watch out!
Caradoc and Percival!
Don't start that!
It's complicated enough already.
- You can't do it alone.
- But can you do it in two names?
I didn't ask.
- What will you do?
- Are you in a hurry?
- I'm sorry.
- Otherwise, att*ck without me.
I'll go and ask Arthur.
If I've the right I'll join you,
but in my own name.
I'll go. Wait for me here.
- Do I att*ck on my own?
- No, don't touch a thing!
Give me the whole army.
What do you mean?
Everyone!
Soldiers, archers,
w*r engines,
siege stuff... All you've got.
I don't want to start a w*r.
I'll just raze everything!
I've been there times.
I try to talk but they won't listen.
Give me the army.
I'll flatten them.
And Guinevere?
Will you flatten her too?
She's smart.
When she hears the catapults f*ring,
she'll manage to escape.
I won't give you a slingshot.
- Get by on your own.
- But I'm with Percival.
All right, I've lent you Percival.
So I can command Percival?
If you want to.
Stop! About turn!
What are you doing?
Stop! About turn!
That makes times, right?
Yes! While I'm commanding you...
Shall I go back?
Don't start!
Wait for your orders!
I've got a plan but Percival
won't do what I tell him.
You're not his superior!
Can't I be for this?
I already agreed to that.
You have to tell him.
Where is he?
He's keeping watch.
Over what?
In general.
Keeping watch in general?
When I come here, I say,
"Keep watch" ,
he says "Affirmative!"
It's for...
There isn't anything to watch.
If you att*ck two-handed,
your chances are slim.
You're the slim one!
What?
I was joking.
Is he bluffing?
Who knows?
We haven't been inside.
We've no idea of numbers.
Do you think they outnumber us?
- No question!
- This is private.
Sorry.
Even if there's only of them,
it's still risky.
- Should we have a strategy?
- Maybe.
But I know nothing about mushrooms.
So you won't lend me your army?
No way.
- Part of it?
- Not a bit of it.
All right. I've got a plan.
A plan?
- What do you need?
- That thing.
- What?
- The thing you blow.
- My horn?
- What for?
It's a great plan.
I need a horn.
I'm not keen...
Lend me one little thing!
My horn's personal. Sorry...
I'll be careful!
What if I have to sound the alarm?
You can wait till I get back.
What are you going to do with it?
That's not the problem.
- It's more...
- Personal. I understand.
Make a little effort.
You refused everything!
He asked me for men!
He can't fight Lancelot
with my men.
No one will know it's your horn.
It doesn't matter...
- It does to me.
- Lend him your horn.
Nice people lend things.
- So, one last time.
- What are you doing?
None of your business.
I go to one side with the horn.
You stay here.
You pretend to keep watch.
But really I prepare to att*ck!
Exactly.
When I'm there, I blow the horn.
He'll be intrigued,
he'll look round...
And you'll att*ck!
I won't look round at all.
It isn't broken!
Something's stuck in it.
What do you mean?
It's a stone.
It didn't work as a blowpipe.
sh*t happens.
Was that your plan?
No, my plan didn't work.
I was fed up. I tried something else.
I put a stone inside and blew.
I asked Percival if it came out.
He said, no.
I looked inside
and saw the stone was stuck.
If it won't come out,
you can buy me a new one.
Do you see the beauty
of the heavenly dome?
What's that? The sky?
The moon's splendid
reflected in the sea.
Awesome.
The boats make it even cooler.
Imagine the sailors,
lost in this immensity!
Maybe they're explorers...
Or merchants carrying rich
and rare goods.
- Or invaders coming here.
- Perhaps.
Imagine the holds of their ships
bulging with furious soldiers,
ready to land and strike us down!
Cool.
Shall we go to bed?
It's a bit worrying.
You said they're merchants!
They're heading this way.
They're coming to sell things.
- I'd sound the alarm.
- We don't want to get told off.
But if they're invaders?
We'll get told off too.
They're never happy.
Let's get some sleep.
If only there was enough light
to see their flags.
Do you know about flags?
No, but we'd see the designs.
If it was scary,
like a wolf or a snake...
Or a wasp...
We sound the alarm!
- This is terrible!
- Don't start that, Bors!
There's no reason to worry?
They're only merchants?
I don't know why
they'd be in Viking drakkars...
Viking drakkars?
We're all going to die!
Who sounded the alarm?
Yvain and Gawain.
Why, pray, did you sound it so late?
I've no time to get
the throwing weapons here.
It'll be hand-to-hand
because of you!
Hand-to-hand with Vikings?
You're crazy!
How could we know
they were Vikings!
Did you never learn about flags?
That's what happens
when you moon about in class.
We always get blamed.
You can make up for it
by fighting in the front line!
I'd warm up now!
We're going to be run through
by savages!
Get the pigeons.
I'll send for the army.
The pigeons? We let them go.
- What?
- They shat everywhere!
We can't send a message?
It's a disaster!
Keeping watch is bad enough.
If we have to live with birds too...
Will they bother about us?
They're not stopping!
It was right to close the shutters.
They'll think the house is empty.
They'll say,
"That place is abandoned,
don't bother with it!"
"We've better things to do!"
But those tack-tack sounds...
I was wondering about them.
They sound like arrows hitting wood.
Possibly on fire.
It would explain the smell of smoke.
They must have gone astray.
They'd never fire at an empty house!
I'm sorry!
You can't get up at
in the army!
Anyone in bed at dawn tomorrow
will be hung from a tree!
Hey...
What are you doing here?
Am I dead? I was only paddling.
I haven't come for you.
What then?
Heard of "The Prophecies"?
"The Prophecies"?
It's a book.
You should read it.
Why?
After dissing the Gods,
shacking up with another
Knight's wife
and letting the Queen run off,
you're bound to get busted soon.
No, I'm not.
- It's not written anywhere.
- It is, in the book.
And where's this book?
No idea.
It dates back to Pendragon.
Maybe there's a prophesy
concerning you.
You might learn something.
The Prophecies? You're kidding!
We've books by that name!
This one dates back to Pendragon.
It's really old.
If it's from Pendragon's time,
your Mother's got it.
Have a look anyway.
I'm happy to,
but unless you've got more
information...
Do you know how much stuff
we've got...
Wait a minute.
You don't mean...
What?
"The Prophecies"?
I won't touch that book.
- We've got it?
- Yes.
But I won't touch it.
You do what you want with it,
but I'm off.
I don't want to hear what's in it.
What's all this nonsense?
My advice is...
I don't need your advice.
Find it and get out. Coward.
Come on! It's a book!
Sire, I beg you, put it back.
No one's opened it for years.
There's a reason.
Listen, stay or go,
but cut out the hysterics!
Did you open it?
I haven't moved!
Then I did.
It opened by itself.
Stop being stupid.
Come back, you lunatic.
Of course I opened it!
It's opened at a page.
I'll read it out.
Here...
There's no problem.
" years of tears, howling..."
All right.
"God has by King of...
" King of Logres
" been affronted.
" Du Lac with sword his brother fights.
"The bride of Vannes commits a sin.
" Panic, ruin, a world's end.
"With Demons or Sorcerers none,
"Comes God of the Dead alone of dread.
" From Heaven an answer to the affront."
This stinks big time!