02x07 - The Most Dangerous Match

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Columbo". Aired: February 20, 1968 – January 30, 2003.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Columbo is a homicide detective whose trademarks include his rumpled beige raincoat, unassuming demeanor, cigar, old Peugeot 403 car, and an unseen wife.
Post Reply

02x07 - The Most Dangerous Match

Post by bunniefuu »

Sir, Mr.Clayton, sir.

I don't suppose any Grand Master actually
relaxes the evening before a match.

Can you tell us what your schedule
is for tonight?

Well, this evening, a small martini
perhaps, a large steak definitely,

and a good horror movie
if there's one close by.

Sir, are you telling us you're not
concerned about tomorrow's game?

Chess is never merely a game, my friend.

And as for tomorrow, well for me,
it's just one more match.

No, please don't quote me on that.

Tomlin Dudek will, I'm sure, prove
a most worthy adversary.

After all, he was champion of
the world for many years,

and I'm certain that he'll be
giving it his all.

Mr.Clayton?

Mr.Clayton?

Do you know what the reporters
from Dudek's country are saying?

They are saying that you could not
become champion,

you never would have been champion...

Oh, that again.

If Tomlin Dudek hadn't gotten sick and
hadn't had to retire five years ago.

Yes, I've heard and read some of you
gentlemen speculating about that a bit.

Most unpatriotic, you know.
Come morning,

we'll all be settling our lingering
little doubts, won't we?

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Hey, how about a picture of the two
of you together?

Yeah.

Ah, so the living legend appears.

Excuse me, please.
Which way is the dining room?

- Not now.
- Please gentlemen, please.

Please no more interviews this evening,
please.

Mr.Clayton. There's the world's
most legendary chess genius,

comes out of retirement just to play you
and you're not even curious...

Curiosity breeds sympathy, my friend.

And sympathy is one emotion...

a champion cannot afford on the night
before the match.

Tomlin Dudek will have mine soon enough.

Well, Mr.Clayton. Good luck on
tomorrow morning's match.

Thank you.

Take care.

Excuse me. Excuse me, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

Mr.Dudek goes directly back to his room.

He needs his rest. I'm sure you understand.

I'm sure they won't bother you anymore.
Are you all right?

I... I am fine. Are you all right? Huh?

I saw you looking at Clayton with
such daggers, such emotion.

He is despicable. He always was
and he always will be.

You'll b*at him, Mr.Dudek.

You will b*at him at the only thing
he really cares about.

So much emotion. So, my little arranger
of chess matches...

you go with the others. Have
something good to eat. Go dancing.

Have a good time, huh?

I only need something to read,
maybe some fresh tobacco.

But I...

Please.

Okay.

Mr.Clayton?

You are Emmett Clayton, of course.

What a nice coincidence.

Hardly.

You noticed me in the hotel lobby
just as I noticed you.

And naturally, you knew I'd see you
slip away, that I'd be curious,

wondering what my opponent was up to
on the night before our match.

You are very clever. Linda Robinson has
told me a great deal about you.

She was correct.

Was she?

Oh please, please sit down.

I only mention her as the person
who arranged our little match,

not as your ex-fiancee.

Her mother and I were very, very
good friends in the old country.

So I didn't think you would be upset
if I mentioned her name.

I must warn you, Mr.Dudek.

I'm very aware of your blatant
psychological warfare,

and quite immune to it.

Immune, you say.

Then why did you follow me here?

Oh please, please, never mind.
Never mind.

I'll let you in on a little secret. There is
something to which I am not immune,

and here they have the best
in the whole town.

The hotel bellboy guarantees it.

Escargot. Snails.

Snails stuffed with butter and garlic.
Good wine, French bread and snails.

Please. Please, Mr.Clayton,
I ask only your good company, huh?

I'm very honored, sir.

Oh, incidentally, I saw you slip out
of the hotel at lunchtime, too.

It is just that reactionary food which
my doctor makes me eat in my room.

He goes to the fancy dining room.

I must eat sugar substitutes,
everything low calories.

They aren't going to harm you
in any way, are they?

Of course not. I take my medications.

It is only that Berozski, you know,
our leader, my coach, my nursemaid,

he's terrified that I will lose
my concentration,

that I will disgrace our country,

that I will cr*ck my tired brain.
Who knows?

Well, chess is the ultimate
test of the human mind, isn't it?

You think so?
I always thought it was women.

Hmm. Queen's pawn opening.

Do I expect that tomorrow?

Queen's gambit.

Decline.

Check.

Your rook checks my king.

You are very aggressive.
I heard that about you.

Don't think I haven't studied
every one of your games.

So, I move my king to Queen one.
And... now...

Damn music.

But it's very good that you have that.

Then you are deaf to everything
except your own concentration.

Doubles it.

But you heard me say that?

I can lip read when I want to.

S'il vous plait. Gentlemen, please.

And now it's my turn.

Check.

All right. Come on.

I can't concentrate in a snail pit,
anyway.

Wait, wait, Clayton. I just happened to
think something else.

You know, if we go into the lobby
and Berozski sees me,

he will put me to bed like a baby.

It's not good.

Also, if he sees us together the night
before the match is also not good.

Well, there must be some other way in.
Come on.

Yes? What in the blazes do you want?

Mr.Clayton, excuse me.
I am Berozski. Mazoor Berozski.

I took the liberty of calling you
several times, sir, but you were out.

Why?

I was merely looking for Mr.Dudek.

I thought perhaps he had dropped by
to meet his eminent adversary.

On the night before the match?
Oh come now, Berozski.

These little ploys of yours to interrupt my
sleep are about as subtle as a train wreck.

Don't you know where your man is?

Mr.Clayton, I apologize.
It was just a small misunderstanding.

Please believe me. It's just that
the hotel is so large, sir.

My apologies truly.
Good night, sir. Good night.

I know that man. He's probably already
called the police, the m*llitary, the FBI.

Come on, it's your move.

Ah yes, yes. My move.

So,

and my queen will take your knight.

Surely, you expected that?

And then your pawn must take my queen.

Otherwise, my queen would take
your bishop,

and you would be down two pieces.

Then, my rook takes your rook. Check.

And then you must interpose
your bishop at king one,

and then my bishop will take your pawn,

threatening your queen.

And therefore your queen must
take my bishop,

at which point my rook takes
your bishop. Checkmate.

Oh, please, please. Never mind.
Never mind.

It's just a bit of luck. It's nothing.

You have been distracted all evening,
I could see that.

Yes.

Perhaps there is one too many
beautiful ladies here,

like Linda Robinson perhaps?

Tomorrow will be better
when we both concentrate.

Please.

But you're exhausted.
You have been drinking.

Please.

Rest yourself, my friend.

I jump you, you jump me.
That's no good.

Oh, take your time, Lieutenant.

On a Sunday morning, what else
would I be doing except sleeping late,

playing with my kids,
watching a ball game.

Doc, I'm terribly sorry to get you
down here like that,

but believe me, I've been an absolute
bundle of nerves.

Forget it. Go ahead, jump me.

Doc, you sure he's going to
be all right?

I told you, that's the mildest
anesthetic in the book.

Boy, you know my wife went to visit
her mother for a few days,

and it's like everything was waiting for
her to leave so it could happen to me.

First the kitchen sink and
then the pilot light in the stove.

I don't even know what a pilot light is.

And this thing wakes me up at six a.m.
scratching that ear.

Scratch, scratch, scratch,
always the same ear.

Last night, I gotta tell you
about last night.

Well, I'm surprised that he could
reach it.

What?

Foxtails, Lieutenant. I spend half my life
pulling those out.

And of course,
with a low-slung model like yours,

well, he just scoops them up
like a vacuum cleaner.

He'll be around in a minute or two.

Vacuum cleaner. That reminds me,
I didn't vacuum the rug.

Well anyway, last night. Last night,
that was the worst.

First time in two years I figure
I'd finally get to go bowling.

My friend, Harry, is outside.

He's ready to go.
He's honking the horn.

What happens? I get a call.
Big emergency.

Some famous foreign chess player has
disappeared. Listen. Did you hear that?

So what happened?

Well, before I got to headquarters,
I got another call. False alarm.

Not only is the gentlemen not
lying dead in the streets,

but you know where he told people
he'd been? Listen, there. Did it again.

Where had the man been?

Bowling. The missing person went bowling.
Doc, that is a definite noise. What is that?

That, Lieutenant, is called snoring.

Hello. Azteca Airlines?

I would like please to make
a reservation to Mexico City.

I believe there's a plane...
yes, yes, that's the one.

Oh excuse me, please but
we have very poor connection.

One moment, please. Please.

Dudek. D-U-D-E-K. Tomlin Dudek.

Hello? Yes. Clayton?

What is the matter? You want me
to meet you where?

Clayton, I don't understand.

Clayton, can you hear me?
What is the matter? Are you sick?

Are you all right? You want me...

All right, all right,
five minutes please.

Clayton, five minutes.
I will be right there, all right?

Right, yes. All right. All right.

Oh, excuse me. Yes, it's all right.
You can go in the room.

Clayton, what are we doing here?

Dudek! Dudek, please,
you've got to help me.

I can't take it anymore.
She's making me feel so guilty.

I can't sleep. I can't think.
I can't anything.

I do not understand.

She thinks that she loves me,
that I love her,

that we're going to get married.

Well, I don't know what she thinks.

Oh, there is a young lady
who is making you so upset.

I can't hear you.

I broke my damn hearing aid last night
after you left, sitting up there alone.

I swear to you it was just a lark,
a passing little affair.

I never meant it to... Dudek, look,
she's... she's from your own country.

Could you write something
for me in her own language?

Anything.
I'll recopy it and send it to her.

What will I write?

Well, I don't know. Say...

just say "I'm sorry.
I was wrong. I'm very ashamed."

Just say anything.

Well, I just... I just couldn't face... Dudek,
I'm sorry to have to put you through...

Uh-huh, all right, all right.

I understand. The problems of you
young people with your love affairs.

Thank you. Thank you.

Clayton, calm yourself.
Now where are you going?

Where are you going?

The match. I just can't.
I'm sorry, Dudek.

We postpone the match.

We merely tell them that
we mutually agreed to postpone...

for a few days, all right?

Come on Clayton, please!

What are you doing with my bag?

Please, ladies and gentlemen, please.

If I don't mind my distinguished challenger
being 20 minutes late, why should you?

After all, it is my neck
he's supposed to be after.

While we're waiting,
let's warm up a bit, shall we?

I'll play any five of you at once, or ten
if you like, keeping it friendly, of course.

Hey, Lieutenant?

Hello, Sergeant.
They got you, too, huh?

Yeah.

What is it with this guy?
Keeps disappearing.

They found him a little early this time.
That's him they're carting away right now.

He was coming through down here.

He must've slipped. There's some
grease on the floor up there.

Wait a minute, that big chess match,
that was supposed to be this morning, right?

That's right.

Well, what was the man doing
in the basement?

Apparently trying to make an easy exit.

I don't understand.

Well, he had a cabbie waiting
for him outside the service entrance.

Cabbie was waiting for Mr.Dudek?

That's right.
Want to bring that guy in?

You were waiting for a Mr.Dudek?

Yeah, that was the name, sir.

He had a foreign accent,
the dispatcher said.

I don't know if I was a little late
in getting here.

Do you know where you were
going to take him?

Yeah, international airport.

Okay, thanks a lot.

You bet.

Is this where he fell?

Yeah, that's right.

What kind of a machine is this anyway?

Oh, that's the latest gizmo
for a clean environment.

Chews up everything, bottles,
cans. Here, I'll show you.

That's enough. I get the idea.

Accident, you say,

while sneaking out of the hotel like
some criminal on his way to the airport?

This is nonsense.

Mr.Berozski, he was carrying
his flight bag and the cab driver was...

Enough. All this at the very hour
he was to prove himself...

again the greatest master of chess
who ever lived? You are a fool, sir.

Excuse me, Joe.

Tell me, what is your rank?

Lieutenant?

Lieutenant. Mr.Berozski,
this is Lieutenant Columbo,

Homicide Department,
a full lieutenant.

How do you do, sir?

Lieutenant, I shall rely that
your investigative imagination is...

somewhat better than that of
your underling.

Excuse me, one moment.
What is that word?

What? Oh, dentures.

Dentures. Pardon me.

Actually sir, from what I know about
chess players,

that is the important ones,
they're sort of like geniuses,

unpredictable and erratic.
And this man, he was under great stress.

Now, maybe the psychological strain
that he was under...

Nonsense. Again, nonsense.

Well, you did tell
Sergeant Douglas here that...

Mr.Dudek traveled with his own
personal physician.

Does he have a record of erratic behavior?

Dr.Jelnick is not a psychiatrist.
He's what you call a general practitioner.

Mr.Dudek is not a well man.
He has diabetes.

But we always have personal
physician attending just...

as we always have Anton there,
Mr.Dudek's valet and physical instructor.

And you, sir?

I beg your pardon?

May I ask what you do, sir?
I assume you're in charge.

I am the coach to Tomlin Dudek.

Coach? You mean like a football team?
Something like that? That kind of coach?

It's hardly the same, Lieutenant.

Officer, may I talk to you
for a moment.

Yes, ma'am. Excuse me.

I can't explain what might've happened.

But I've been with Tomlin Dudek for months
now, ever since I set up this match.

My mother knew him for years and years
before that so I can tell you, officer,

Mr.Dudek would never sneak away,
not from any obligation,

and certainly not from any chess match
with Emmett Clayton.

Ma'am, are you all right?

Would you like to go up to your room?
Maybe you'll feel better. Lie down?

If that is the press, I have no statement.
They're not to be permitted.

Say, what's in this thing here?

The usual stuff a guy picks up when
he's in a hurry, toilet articles, pajamas,

a couple of extra shirts.

Like I said, officer, Mr.Williams with
the hotel in charge of the chess tournament.

That's all right, Gary.

Excuse me, Mr.Berozski.

Yes, Mr.Clayton, what can I do for you?

This envelope was in my room.

The maid said she'd found it
under my door.

We noticed the engraved stationery, sir.
We haven't opened it.

It's one of our official envelopes.

Excuse me, sir.
Do you mind if I read that?

You're the champion, aren't you?

I want to say it's a great honor
to meet you.

I've got a cousin up there in Albany,
he wears big, thick glasses,

and he thinks you're the
greatest thing in the world.

That makes two of them.

Hello, Linda.

The envelope, Lieutenant?

Oh yes. Excuse me.

Can you translate that for me?

I'm sorry. I was wrong. And now
I'm very ashamed. Please forgive me.

Wrong? Did he mean wrong to
come here to try for this match?

Oh, that poor tortured man.

Is that Mr.Dudek's handwriting?

Well, sir, I'm afraid that does
look like the explanation, doesn't it?

I'm sorry but I can't accept that.

He wasn't afraid of you, Emmett,
he wasn't.

Mr.Berozski,
I know how you must feel.

Please accept my deepest sympathy.

Tomlin Dudek was a great genius.

He will be remembered for many,
many years...

by every chess player in the world.

Excuse me, Mr.Clayton. You're talking
as though Mr.Dudek were already dead.

What?

Well, of course, he's very badly
injured, he's critical.

But as far as we know,
he's still alive.

Well, we just assumed, everyone
downstairs. Well, we know so little.

Dr.Jelnick accompanied him
in the ambulance.

We do still have hope.
We must have hope.

We should all be thankful if there's
even a slight chance that he might live.

Mr.Berozski? Sir.
Sir. Excuse me for just one moment.

Lieutenant, I already told you,
you may leave.

Yes, sir, I understand that.
I'll tell you what I was wondering about.

If you please, I'm talking with
my embassy. What's that?

I think this is Mr.Dudek's shirt.
I found it in the laundry sack in there.

So?

Well, what I was wondering was,
can a diabetic eat garlic?

I mean you told me that
he was a diabetic.

Garlic. Of course, garlic is all right.
Why not garlic?

Sir, I don't believe...

It's very noticeable.

I mean, you can smell it
all over the cuffs here.

He did wear this shirt last night, didn't he?
And garlic was not on his diet.

Sir, look I can understand
the position you're in.

I mean, if the man got hit by a truck,
that wouldn't be your fault.

But if he went out and he ate something
that he wasn't supposed to eat...

and he got sick...

I will not have it insinuated that
I was in any way remiss...

in taking care of Tomlin Dudek.

I'm not insinuating anything.
Nothing. Absolutely, honestly.

You know, all I want to do,
I just want to have this shirt analyzed.

It won't take very long. It's a routine
process, strictly routine, nothing to it.

Sergeant, would you have that shirt
analyzed for me? Thank you very much.

Will you listen, Lieutenant?
I'm not responsible.

Anton,

did you or did you not last night order
for Mr.Dudek his proper prescribed dinner?

Yes, sir, I did. But just the dishes
on the doctor's list. I saw no garlic.

So, we already know that Dudek slipped
out by himself somewhere last night.

So he didn't tell us the truth about
where he went to eat his garlic,

so who is responsible, huh?

Tell me something, why are you still here?
You are homicide. No one has d*ed.

- Why don't you go home?
- Yes, sir.

Go home. What do you care about
garlic, about shirts, what?

I'm glad you asked that question,
sir.

Just give me one moment, would you?

Dentures, right? Dentures?
Those are false teeth.

Den...

- Dentures.
- Dentures.

Now, he does wear false teeth,
doesn't he?

It seems that the ambulance driver
found them.

Well, I never had that problem yet
myself but...

I remember somebody mentioned
toilet articles.

Bear with me one second.
Ah yes, here we are.

Just an ordinary toothbrush.
Now, it seems to me...

you see, my grandfather, he wore
dentures ever since he was 40.

And as far as I can recall, he
never used just an ordinary toothbrush.

What is it?

Sir, I'm afraid, sir,
that this is my toothbrush.

This is?

We share the bathroom. You see,
I am Mr.Dudek's physical trainer.

Never mind.

Lieutenant, then Tomlin Dudek could
not have packed his own suitcase.

That's what I was trying
to get around to, sir, yes.

And if somebody else packed it who
didn't know that he wore dentures, then...

Then his accident was not an accident.

I thought you'd like to know, sir,
that I think that is a possibility.

Is Mr.Dudek out of surgery, yet?

No, sir. They're still at it,
I'm afraid.

If everything goes all right,

how long will it be before he's
conscious and able to communicate?

Oh, I wouldn't presume to make
a guess like that, sir.

At least 10 to 24 hours, though,
I'm sure.

I see. Thank you.

What happened?

Well, he just gave me this list to
take back to the hotel...

to get some more medications
from his hotel room.

Medications?

Even if he does make it through
the operation,

Mr.Dudek will still need his daily
injections,

the diabetes, the circulatory regulator...

Emmett, if he should die, I just...

You can't take all the blame
for this mess.

You know, Dudek and
I ran into each other last night.

We even wound up liking each other,
if you can believe that paradox.

Of course, naturally,
both of us being addicts,

we couldn't resist a couple of
quick games.

And you know me. And you're right.
When I can win, I do win.

I suppose it must have shaken
his confidence.

I didn't realize how much.

Emmett, I didn't know you...

Linda,

don't you think you ought to
get that stuff to Dr.Jelnick?

There's no hurry.
He doesn't need it before seven.

Wow, this is unpronounceable
language.

I just have to stay here until
I know he's out of surgery.

Well, you've put up with me
long enough.

I can't say I blame you.

Hello, Mr.Clayton.
I guess I just missed you upstairs.

Oh, I was just trying to compose a little
note to send up with some flowers.

Oh, I don't think they'll allow any
flowers in there yet, sir.

Probably just as well.

Frankly, I had great difficulty to find
the appropriate words for the occasion.

Well, if you'll excuse me, Lieutenant.

Mr.Clayton, your pen.

You left it on the seat there.

Oh, thank you.

Just that little running,
boy I'm in lousy shape. Listen,

would you like to get some ice cream?

What do you say you and
I go and get some ice cream,

and get our minds off this whole
thing just for a minute? What do you say?

If you're able to do that, Lieutenant,
you're a better man than I.

I'm going to tell you the truth, sir.

What I really had in mind is
I just wanted to get you someplace,

and get you talking about chess,

and I thought maybe I'd pick up
some free pointers,

because I'd love to learn the game.

If you'd love to learn the game,
I suggest a correspondence course.

Taxi!

Oh, you don't have a car?
Oh, good heavens.

Here, come along with me.
I'm parked right over there.

These fellows here,
they'll charge you a fortune.

Now look, Lieutenant, I'm quite capable of
finding my own way back to the hotel.

Mr.Clayton,
I'd better be truthful with you.

I can't get this mess off my mind,
either, no more... no more than you can.

And I would appreciate it very much, sir,
if you'd ride along with me.

Obviously, you have a fine mind,
and I'm going to be frank.

There are a couple of things that
I'm really muddled about.

Oh, in what way?

Well, for instance,
do you remember that...

sad, confused little note that
Mr.Dudek pushed underneath your door?

I don't understand that.

Well, as upset as he must've been,

it's a wonder he was able to
write anything at all.

Yes, right, yes. I'll tell you what
I don't understand most about it, though.

If the man is sitting in his room
with his own official stationery,

and he seals the note in his own
official envelope,

how come he wrote the note itself on...

just some plain little piece of
white paper from a pad?

If you're asking me why someone
in an irrational state...

failed to act in a rational manner,

obviously, he scribbled on
whatever was at hand.

Except that I couldn't find a notepad
like that anywhere in his room,

and I looked everywhere.

I mean, now do you see what I mean?

This way, sir, right here.

You see, it's just picayune
little things like that.

Now for instance, here's another one.
See what you can make of this.

And just because of
a wrongly packed toothbrush,

you're ready to imply
attempted m*rder?

A far more logical assumption
would be that...

some stupid bellhop packed
his bags for him,

and just threw in the wrong
toothbrush.

You know, you're right, I never thought
about that. Thank you very much, sir.

Oh listen, there's something I can
check out with you right now,

if you don't mind.

I understand you were five or six minutes
late yourself to that match this morning.

It is my habit, Lieutenant, to take
a brisk walk before an important match.

As it happens this morning,

I stopped to pick up a new transistor
for my hearing aid.

It went out on me last night.

I wonder why he didn't sign it.

Sign what?

That note he put under your door,
sir, he didn't sign it.

Well, I suppose he assumed we'd know
it came from him, which we did.

Right. I wish I could figure out someone
who would benefit from his death.

I think you've got something there,
Lieutenant.

Lieutenant, you just missed
the turn into the hotel.

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

Let me see. I think if I go
down here a few blocks,

and make a right, I'll be all right.

You know, there's a terrific restaurant
around here and I'm famished.

What do you think?

I told you, I'm not hungry.

Now, if you'd just kindly drive me back
to my hotel, I'd be most grateful.

Not hungry at all?

You don't want to keep me company?
I was just going to grab a bite.

Oh there it is.

You don't really mind stopping
for a moment, do you?

Kind of dark in here, isn't it?

Something sure smells good.
Anybody home?

This booth all right?

Hm? Oh, fine.

Have you ever had snails?

Yes, I'm quite fond of them.

You're going to love these. Sir?

I'll be with you.

Partial to French foods,
are you, Lieutenant?

I like fish, anything that
comes out of the water.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Your pleasure today?

We'll have two orders of snails.

Was it a good photograph?

Beg your pardon, sir?

The one this gentlemen or
one of his cohorts showed you.

Was it flattering?

Oui, monsieur, oui.

Good.

You can make that one order.

Now that he's identified me,
which is why you brought me here,

I don't suppose you have
any further questions.

I have a further question.

Fine.

Lieutenant, you're a pleasant
enough man.

You work hard and I respect
your motivations,

but please stop this pretense.

Would you excuse us for a moment,
please?

Oui, monsieur.

Why did you conceal the fact that you
and Dudek met here in the restaurant?

I didn't conceal it.

You certainly didn't volunteer it.

We started checking out
French restaurants because...

we found garlic stains
on Mr.Dudek's shirt.

What it boils down to
if someone didn't get lucky,

and smell garlic on the shirt sleeves
of a diabetic,

we never would've known
you two were here.

Why didn't you ask me or
Ms.Robinson?

Ms.Robinson knew about it?

No, I told her about it.
She's at the hospital now.

There's a phone there.
Call her. Check it out.

You're not going to call her?

No.

You see, you were wrong
about my concealing information.

Bit warm in here. Did you notice?

Oh dear, almost forgot. There's
something I wanted to show you.

Kind of scares me carrying this
around, it looks so valuable.

Looks very beautiful.

They tell me these are all
hand-carved, solid ivory, very old.

Knight, bishop and pawn.

You know, I'll tell you
why I brought this here.

It wasn't just because
it was so beautiful.

This particular set belongs to
Tomlin Dudek and that bothered me.

As a matter of fact,
I couldn't sleep last night.

Really?

Yeah, it seems to me that
if an artist takes a trip,

well, he's going to bring his sketchpad
and he's going to bring his pencil.

And if a pool player goes somewhere,
he's going to take his pool cue.

And I just couldn't figure out...

why would a great chess player
forget to pack his chess set,

particularly if it was a valuable one.

That's a very telling observation.

Do you think so?

I do.

What you're saying is that someone
with intent to m*rder packed his bags,

someone who didn't know that he
always carried his chess set with him.

Now, I wouldn't do a thing like that,
not in a million years.

You see, I always carry my set
with me. Here it is.

Can't argue with that logic.

There's one other question,
Mr.Clayton.

Why did you tell Ms.Robinson
instead of telling the police?

Excuse me one moment,
Lieutenant.

Proprietor, would you mind coming
back here a moment, please?

Oui, monsieur.

I was here last night with another
gentleman, is that right?

Oui, monsieur,
I have said so to the police.

And we were playing chess
on this tablecloth in this booth.

You were quite annoyed.

Yes, sir. Yes.

Would you mind telling us who won
that game of chess.

Beg your pardon, sir?

Who won? Who lost?

I was kind of wondering that myself.

Well, all I know is I was... I was
standing at the table pouring the wine,

when the little,
round gentleman with an accent,

he pushed forward the salt, and
this gentlemen pushed out the pepper,

and pretty soon, they were pushing
all the things on the table,

and I didn't know what they were doing.

Later on, I found out that
they were playing chess.

But I have never seen anything
like that.

As to who won or who lost,
I don't know.

Thank you.
You've been most helpful.

Oui, monsieur.

I won that game.

If I could've trusted the police
to keep it confidential,

I would have told you.

But for 20 bucks, any reporter
could buy that story.

Now, it may not make any difference
to you, Lieutenant,

but it certainly does to me.

Tomlin Dudek was a great
chess player.

And at this time, it would've been...

tasteless, cruel and unnecessary to
even mention the existence,

let alone the result of a match
which he lost.

Now, does that answer your questions,
Lieutenant?

It certainly does, sir, and I can
see how strongly you feel about it.

So you b*at him, right here,
in this booth on the tablecloth?

Correct.

Too bad you didn't bring your
portable chess set.

I left it at the hotel. I was
going out for dinner so I forgot it.

You wouldn't arrest me for that,
would you, Lieutenant?

Lot of people forgetting
chess sets these days.

Now, Mr.Clayton, your story is
very, very sound.

All we have to do now is just
wait for Mr.Dudek to recover...

so he can verify it.

Must be coming from you.

Oh, yeah. Yes, this thing here.

One of the doctors loaned it
to me at the hospital,

in case he wants to get me
in a hurry. I need a telephone.

Is there a telephone? Phone?
Do you have a phone? Your phone?

By the cash register.

Thank you.

Hello. This is Lieutenant Columbo.
My number here is 5...

What was that?

Oh sure, absolutely,
put me right through.

She can put me right through.
She's ringing now.

Hello, doctor?
Yes, sir. Lieutenant Columbo.

But he is going to be all right?
He's moving. Oh, that's terrific.

All right, I'll be right over. Thank
you, sir. Thank you very much.

You see, my dog had a little operation
and the vet was kind of upset...

because I had to leave them there,
but he's fine.

He's just fine. He's moving around.

He says his tail is moving a mile
a minute so that's terrific.

I'm going to run along.

Small world. Listen, I was just up
to see Mr.Berozski.

I returned that chess set.

He had some very nice things
to say about you.

That's very kind of him.

Any news of Mr.Dudek?

Oh yes, some very good news, sir.
Dr.Jelnick called from the hospital.

He said that Dudek is out of
surgery and it looks good,

"Stable" is what he said.

All the vital functions
look stable.

Thank heaven.

Do you know if Ms.Robinson and the
doctor are going to come back here now?

I don't know about Ms.Robinson.
The doctor's going to stay at the hospital.

He's a pretty conscientious guy.

Say, I called you a little earlier
on the house phone,

but you seemed to be out someplace.

Well?

Well, you probably won't even
remember this, sir, but...

Sir, you aren't champion the you're.

I beg your pardon?

Very first sentence you ever said
to me, Lieutenant. Backwards.

That was the backwards of the very
first thing I said to you?

You can remember that?

I wish you could remember what
you were going to say to me, Lieutenant.

I'm afraid I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Well, that's a terrific feat.
No, that's really remarkable.

I've never seen that done before.

Oh yes, what I was going to say
to you, what was that?

Oh about your hearing aid, yes.

You told me that
you went to get it fixed,

and that's why you were a few minutes
late to the chess match.

Well, you were right about that,
sir.

Supreme Optical and Medical Supply
Company three blocks down the line.

They confirmed that.

Thank you, Lieutenant.

Oh, Mr.Clayton. Gee, I almost
forgot. This is fascinating.

You know, we found Mr.Dudek's
chess journal.

I want to tell you, you chess players
are a remarkable bunch.

Apparently, what he did,
he recorded every game,

every move he ever played.
Do you do that?

Yes, but only the important matches.

Remarkable. What a memory.

Well naturally, I was interested in
the game in the French restaurant,

and sure enough, there it was,

back of the book,
the very last game he recorded.

Thought you might be interested.

No names. Just the date,

Wednesday, October 20th,
black versus white and every move.

And here on the last page,

I noticed that black resigned
on the 41st move.

Is that about the way it happened?

Obviously.

I'll tell you why I'm confused
is because...

I remember the proprietor saying
that he came over to the table,

and he was pouring the wine and
when the game started,

the little round fellow with
the accent pushed out the salt,

and then you responded with the pepper.

So I thought that you were black.

No.

Just wanted to get that cleared up.
Thank you very much.

Not at all.

I'm sorry. I didn't know
about the medicines.

No, no, it's all right. He gave me
a list. Just a few more things.

Yes?

Hello to you, too, but... Oh, okay.
Lieutenant? Lieutenant, it's for you.

You mind?

Yes, I would.

Columbo. Yes, Sergeant.

Sure I can. I can get over there
right now.

Yes, I'm leaving right now,
immediately.

And don't forget your friend.

Doc, if you don't mind,
just a little while longer.

I've got a crisis. I've got to go
over to the hospital right now.

Lieutenant Columbo, I'm Dr.Sullivan.
He's right down here.

What's happened?

I don't know. He was looking so stable,
then suddenly something just...

What do you mean "something"?

He was given his necessary
injections 40 minutes ago.

15 minutes later,
this started happening.

Joe?

We ain't winning.

Tomlin! Tomlin! Tomlin!

Can you hear me?

Tomlin! Tomlin!

Is he gone?

Dr.Sullivan.

Somebody's tried to k*ll this man
once, that's why he's here.

Do you have an explanation for this?

No, sir, I don't. It's baffling.

It sure is. What about those
injections Dr.Jelnick gave him?

Well, he's had those medications before
and he's come through perfectly fine.

They couldn't have anything
to do with it?

No, sir.

The last set they he gave him, did
they come from outside the hospital?

Yes, sir, that's right.

I want to see those syringes.

I want to bring them down to the lab.
I want my people to be able to...

I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
They were disposable.

If they're empty, they're taken
out of the room immediately.

That's hospital safety rules.

Statement, reaction?
Regarding what?

Tomlin Dudek is dead.

I just heard it through another
reporter at the hospital.

Oh no. When?

Well, I just called over there to
check and they told me.

When did it happen?

Oh, he d*ed just ten minutes ago, sir.
So any statement you'd like to...?

No, no I'm just too shocked
right now. I'm sorry.

Maybe later?

Yeah. Yeah, perhaps later.

Bye.

Ms.Robinson?

Oh, I'm sorry.

May I sit down for a moment?

I know it's a bad time and I know
you'd rather be alone.

It will only take a moment.

Of course.

Thank you.

Mr.Berozski is saying that...

everything that happened to
Mr.Dudek wasn't an accident.

He was such a gentlemen.
He had no enemies, Mr... I'm sorry?

Columbo. I'm afraid he did have
at least one enemy, ma'am.

Just bear with me for one moment.

Those medications that you brought
to Dr.Jelnick in the hospital,

did you give them to the doctor
directly?

Yes.

You personally handed it to him?

The list of medicines that he gave you
so you'd know what to bring him,

did anyone else see that list?

No.

Are you sure?

Why do you ask?

Are you sure?

Didn't you talk with Mr.Clayton
at the hospital?

Didn't he tell you about meeting Dudek
in a French restaurant, playing chess?

Wasn't that the time that
you had that list?

Yes, he did see the list, but he
only glanced at it for a second or two.

How did he see it?
Show me how he saw it?

Make believe this is the list.

The list was on my lap.

He said to hurry up and
get the medications,

and then he took the list
but he gave it right back.

He actually picked up the list?
He held it in his hand?

He picked it up like this
and held it?

Yeah, just like you did. Well,
he gave it right back.

Thank you very much.

Hey, Frank, give me a hand up here,
will you?

Garbage. Garbage.

Hey, how' d you get here?
Get out of here. b*at it.

I'm sorry. He's mine. He enjoys
garbage, I don't know why.

What's his name?

I don't know. He doesn't like any
of the ones I give him,

so call him anything.

Hey! Hey!

Okay fella. Okay fella.

Right. That was close, wasn't it?

Dog like that wouldn't get hurt
much in there.

Get hurt. What's the matter
with you, mashed up in that thing?

All right, fella, take it easy.
Let me show you something.

It's a safety device.

Anything hits that when she's
grinding up, off she goes.

It turns itself off?

Sure. Just load it up,
hit the switch.

Again Lieutenant?

This is the final gathering.

What better way to pay tribute
to that great Tomlin Dudek.

These ladies and gentlemen are
here by special invitation.

Among them are some of the...

What is it, Lieutenant?

I didn't realize that you were
in the middle of this.

I'll wait until later.
I don't want to disturb you.

You do that.

And it's mate.

Now, what were you saying,
Lieutenant?

I don't want to throw your
concentration, sir.

Not a chance.

Well, why don't you make
your next move?

Oh please, go on.

Well, the game that I'm really
concerned about is...

the game that you had with Dudek
in the French restaurant.

You see, everything is motive, sir.
If you had lost that game to Dudek...

I told you. I didn't lose.

I also told you that Linda Robinson
would confirm that.

Rook takes pawn.

But you see, sir, that's only what
you said and technically,

that's hearsay. She wasn't
actually there.

Lieutenant, I have ten games
going at once.

Loathe as you are to rely
on hearsay,

I suggest you judge for yourself
my humble abilities.

Ah, I see you've put yourself
in the same pickle as Alekhine,

in one of his matches against
Nimzowitsch in 1914.

There's that memory again. That's
really amazing. I really mean that.

Rook to king bishop.

Mistake, my friend. You fell
into the trap. There.

Now, I want you to think about that.

And if you'd like to have some supper
this evening, I suggest that you resign.

Well, you certainly are proving it,
sir. There's no question about it.

Well, thank you, Lieutenant.

Capablanca used to play
30 opponents simultaneously.

In 1922, Frank Marshall played 155
games simultaneously and lost only 8.

One week later, he replayed every
single move of 153 games perfectly.

What I meant, sir, is that you're
proving your ability to memorize...

Dr.Jelnick's medication list
with only a glance or two.

That's an amazing thing to be
able to do.

No, no. Another two moves and you...

Oh, I see. All right.
Let's try that.

There. Now, you work on that.

What are you talking about,
Lieutenant? What glance or two?

Are you trying to imply that
I copied Jelnick's medication list?

That's not only reaching,
it's defamatory.

Check.

No, sir. I said memorized. I didn't
say copied. You brought that up.

But come to think of it, you know,
maybe that's what you were doing.

You remember when
I saw you in the hospital?

You were sitting there and you were
writing. Maybe you were copying.

You're absurd.

Excuse me, Mr.Clayton, sir.
Could you?

Certainly.

About your pen, sir?

Thank you, Mr.Clayton, thank you.

Sir, about your pen?

Do you remember when you left it
at the hospital on the seat,

and I came running after you
to return it?

Check.

Ah, a new game.

Yes, sir.

Well, I took the liberty before
I ran after you with the pen,

to scribble with it on some paper.

Well, that's very clever of you,
Lieutenant.

The boy down there at the lab,

he tells me it's definitely the same
ink and possibly the very same pen...

that Mr.Dudek used to write
his farewell note with.

Innuendo, insinuation,
circumstantial trivia.

That could be true, sir, but
if you put it all together,

maybe the grand jury will feel
differently.

Do you really think that the
finest chess player in the world...

would make even half the mistakes
that you ascribe to me?

Mr.Clayton, sir?

I'm afraid that's check and mate,
sir.

What?

Just a foolish blunder.
It could happen to anybody.

Prove it to me. Prove it.
Prove something. Prove it.

What the devil is this place?

Oh, this is the basement, sir.

And this equipment here is the
latest thing in clean environment.

Takes bottles, cans, all kinds of
garbage and crushes them up.

Now Mr.Clayton,

right there at the top of the
stairs, that's where Dudek fell,

hit the chute, slid down,
came to this machinery.

Now, if you were the m*rder*r...

If! Will you give me proof,
Lieutenant!

I didn't say you were the m*rder*r,
I said if you were the m*rder*r.

Wait, listen! It could've passed
for a terrific accident.

Where is your proof, Lieutenant!

It could've been a perfect m*rder.

Will you give me the proof!

Can you read my lips now?

Mr.Clayton,

I wanted to tell you that this machine
turns itself off automatically.

That's why Dudek wasn't k*lled.
When he fell, the machine just shut off.

Will you stop this rambling conjecture
and get out of my way.

Why are you detaining me,
Lieutenant?

It would be easier if I did not have
to shout. But the damn machine!

Well, turn the damn thing off!

I'll tell you what bothered me.

What bothered me was if someone
pushes a man into a grinding machine...

in order to k*ll him and
the machine suddenly stops,

why doesn't he turn the machine
back on again?

The switch is right over there.

Then I remembered that...

you told me that your hearing aid
went out the night before,

and you only got it fixed
the next morning.

Now I understand.

You didn't turn it back on again
because you never knew it was off.

You didn't hear it go off then just
like you didn't hear it go off now.

I'm sorry, Mr.Clayton,

but along with all the other trivial
evidence that we've talked about,

the m*rder*r in this case
just had to be a deaf man.
Post Reply