02x02 - iObject, Lewbert!

Episode scripts for the TV show, "iCarly". Aired: June 17, 2021 to present.*

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Carly and her friends are in their twenties as they learn to balance work, home and their social life.
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02x02 - iObject, Lewbert!

Post by bunniefuu »

Waffles in Warrior Pose.

Both empowering...

and delicious.

What kind of millennial hell is this?

"Random Eating."

We used to have this bit
called "Random Dancing,"

but this is way more grown-up.

Next, we have...

"Lasagna in a Headstand."

Make like you just met a Hemsworth

and get those legs in the air.

Stop everything! Guys, meet Trina.

(GIGGLES) Hi.

I'm collecting signatures
for a bill on climate change.

Can I count on your support?

Sure. I'd love to sign.

Oh, aren't you cute?

Sorry, sweetie, this
petition is for grown-ups.

Sure, put grown-ups in
charge of climate change.

So far, so good.

Spencer, we're filming.
You can't just interrupt

- while I'm working.
- Oh. What is the use

of work when the planet is on fire?

Climate change is the
single greatest thr*at

to our generation.

I talk about it endlessly.

All you talk about endlessly
are robots and marshmallows.

He's just trying to get Trina's number.

BOTH: Mm...

Wait. Are you Carly Shay?

I'm a huge fan.

Aw. Thank you.

Yeah, I'd love to sign your petition.

Aw. On second thought,
you keep it. (GIGGLES)

You've been served.

Big fan, though.

Oh, my God. I'm being sued.

(ALL GASP)

But who is Lewbert Sline?

(GASPS) Lewbert was our
old doorman and archnemesis.

He quit after Carly moved to Italy.

Just up and left mysteriously.

- (ALL GASP)
- (SPENCER GASPS LOUDLY)

Why are you gasping? You
know all this already.

I just realized her name
probably wasn't Trina.

♪ I know you see ♪

♪ Somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see ♪

♪ The brighter side of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me. ♪

♪ ♪

(SCREECHING): Soda machine!

Stole my diet root beer!

(SCREAMS)

These videos were called
"Messing With Lewbert."

They were, like, a perfectly innocent,

just, like, little pranking sketch.

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS) Oh. God, we were adorable.

And now he's suing me
for wrongful injury,

emotional distress and
irreparable loss of wart.

Can you believe this?

Yes, I can.

"Messing" with someone is like

hiding your roommate's phone charger

because she takes long-ass showers.

- Wait, have you been...
- The point is...

y'all were nasty.

You don't see how nasty he was

in those sketches,
okay? He terrorized us.

And he had this blood-curdling,
soul-piercing scream.

(SCREAMS)

That's my Lewbert.

I do all of you guys, too.

Carly, no judge would
ever side with Lewbert.

He's the worst.

You're right.

But, just in case, I have a plan.

I'll apologize.

I'll show some remorse

and all this will go away.

That may work when you
try all of the grapes

at the supermarket, but...

- Oh, no. Those are...
- FREDDIE: Carly,

those are not free
samples. They are for sale.

Guys, there's no way
Lewbert wins this case,

and I would know, I went to
law school for three days.

Every time you bring
up law school, I think,

"He took someone's spot."

If your apology doesn't
work, I'll represent you

and get this case
thrown out in minutes.

Guaranteed. Ten, if I don't
get hammered the night before.

So probably .

Great. You all got this handled.

I'll stay here and watch Millicent.

You're not gonna come and support

your best friend in her hour of need?

Carly, I'm Black. I spend too much time

at the courthouse, something
ends up being my fault.

♪ ♪

Millicent, do you want
to see my new sticker?

Shh. Reading.

Hey, Olive, your mom's here.

Finally!

I-I mean, aw, already?

But we didn't check the
oil and bond futures yet.

Let's save some fun for next time. Bye.

Do you ever feel like you're more
sophisticated than your friends?

Of course you do, you're
friends with Carly.

Well, she does call
them, "quesa-dill-as."

Olive and I aren't vibing.

She's still into playing horsies.

And I'm trying to bet on them.

Well, it's normal for girls
to mature at different speeds.

Look, take me.

I was the last person in my friend group

to consider admissions fraud.

Thanks, bestie.

I love that word.

The way you Gen-Zers just
use it all over the place.

I mean, us Gen-Zers.

I'm a Gen-Zer, right, bestie?

You want me to say you're a Gen-Zer?

I'd like to hear it out loud, yes.

♪ ♪

All right, Carly,
apologize and we're out.

I can't stand being around Lewbert.

Yeah, he makes my skin crawl.

(FREDDIE AND SPENCER SHUDDER)

His lack of hygiene,

that awful, grating voice...

Hello, Carly.

So lovely to see you again.

Lewbert? Is that really you?

You look handsome,
but also approachable.

You're like Paul Rudd.

Very kind of you to say.

I also want to say that I'm really sorry

for the way that we treated
you when we were kids.

I-It was immature, and silly.

Wow.

I feel so much better.

That was a great moment for us.

(GAVEL BANGS)

Court is in session.

I have in front of me the
civil suit of Sline v. Shay.

Oh, um, Your Majesty...

I have some good news.

I apologized to Mr. Sline

in a very sincere and respectful way.

So, what do you say, Lewbie?

You want to forget
about this whole thing?

I don't think so, Carly.

Your Honor, I'm seeking
damages for the way Ms. Shay

tortured me and left me
permanently d*sfigured.

How are you d*sfigured? You look fine.

You could pass for a dad
in a Propecia commercial.

LEWBERT: Be that as it may,

I've literally lost
the ability to smile.

My once melodic voice
is now flat and lifeless.

And, worst of all, I lost... my wart.

Spencer Shay for the defense!

His "injuries" are self-inflicted.

He would work himself
up, and flail around

like a bird with
another bird up its ass.

(SQUAWKING)

Your Honor, this is exactly
why I'm suing Ms. Shay

for one million dollars.

- (ALL GASP)
- Oh, really?

You're gonna ask for a million dollars

and not do the Dr. Evil pinkie thing?

God, I hate you, Lewbert!

Spencer! A sidebar, if you will?

I do not have one million dollars.

Ugh.

(AS DR. EVIL): One million dollars.

We're gonna fight this.

Lewbert, I will see you in court!

Carly, we're already in court.

I know, but how many other
chances will I have to say that?

Several. We did a lot of
messed-up stuff when we were kids.

♪ ♪

Carly, are you sure
Spencer can pull this off?

Objection! Move to strike

Freddie's annoying negative opinion.

The trial hasn't even started yet.

I'll allow it.

Hello, Your Honor.

I stand before you, ready
to establish mens rea.

Objection! Mens rea?

Isn't that the dating
app for famous people?

No. That's Raya.

I would know.

Sustained.

"Mens rea" is a legal term

that means "intent of wrong-doing."

After I left the Bushwell, I
put myself through law school,

and now I have a successful
personal injury firm

called, "Sue With Lew."

I call to the stand Fredward Benson!

(FREDDIE CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna bury him.

This is gonna be the
best day of my life.

You really need to get out
more, but go get 'em, tiger!

♪ ♪

MILLICENT: I'm so glad
you suggested this spa day.

I'm already feeling
better about dumping Olive.

You dumped Olive?

Faster than a couple that
got engaged on The Bachelor.

I need someone older who I vibe with.

And I'm loving these vibes.

And you called me bestie, so...

Yeah, everyone uses that term now.

My bank's Twitter calls me bestie.

Oh. Okay.

It's 'cause I was having so much fun,

and my face is feeling so exfoliated.

Does that mean we aren't besties?

Uh... of course we are!

I'm just playing with you, bestie!

Ah, you got me, bestie!

I love fake-outs. So mature of us.

Or "ma-ture." Adults
love to hit that T hard.

♪ ♪

Muffins? Well! Don't mind if I do.

(SCREAMS)

Pretty horrific, wouldn't you say?

No, I wouldn't.

- And none of it was...
- Your idea?

Oh, I know, sweet Freddie.

After all, whose name is on the show?

(SCOFFS) Carly. But that's not...

Your fault. Of course not, I agree.

Why wasn't it "WeCarly"?

We actually did discuss it,

but apparently it tested poorly.

With who?

Carly.

It ain't called the "We-ternet."

And isn't it true you had a deep,

unrequited love for Carly?

Hey, it was occasionally requited.

Like when I threw myself
in front of a taco truck

to save her.

So only when you're hurt.

(CHUCKLES) Sounds less like
love and more like pity.

Well, if you're gonna
go off of how it sounds,

and looks, and is...

then yes.

And now aren't you
back where you started?

Producing iCarly, doing her bidding,

even entering into a fake relationship,

all for whose benefit?

Carly.

Oh, God.

What has become of me?

Who am I?

No further questions, Your Honor.

Spencer! You gotta do something.

Get Freddie back on our side.

Your Honor, permission to
wrap the witness in a warm hug.

Your Honor, I've got a
slew of other witnesses,

all who will attest to
Carly's horrific ways.

♪ ♪

He got Guppy? What bad things
is he gonna say about us?

He's sweet. Hi, Guppy!

Happy birthday!

Ah!

Don't look at her, Mr. Gibson.

I called you here
because you were witness

to the pain and suffering
inflicted by Carly Shay

on your brother, Gibby.

BOTH: Gibby!

Well, Gibby wanted to do
those stunts most of the time.

Uh-huh! Most of the time,

which means some of the time
he didn't want to do them.

Let the record show some of the time

he didn't wanna do them!

I liked it better when I
just said happy birthday.

Is it anyone's birthday?

Happy birthday!

I call to the stand
model Bushwell tenant,

and just the cutest little
angel you've ever seen,

Chuck Chambers!

No. No! No.

What's in the box? What's in the box?!

Tell us why you're here today.

To state that the Shay
siblings are evil incarnate.

Carly played mind games with
me when she was my tutor.

And Spencer, he locked me in a cage.

He squirted me with suspicious liquid,

and once, he threw a cupcake at me.

You liar! You did all that stuff to me!

Spencer! Get it together.

He brought Chuck here to
throw you off your game.

Oh, you're right.

Just breathe, Spencey.
Take a sip of water.

You wish it was water.

Come here, you little demon elf!

- (GAVEL BANGING)
- JUDGE MATTHEWS: Order, order!

Stop that!

Get him out of here!

You want the truth?

You can't handle the truth!

Avenge me, Carly!

Um, Your Excellency...

... in light of...

well, you saw it...

I hereby nominate myself
to represent myself.

Can I do that?

Only if you grab me
one of those cupcakes.

♪ ♪

Carter, let's hurry.

If we're late, they'll
seat us at a communal table,

and I'm not sitting next to a paralegal

who had a bad day.

Or... we could always just stay here.

Oh.

Hey, bestie!

Um... hey, Millicent.

Now's not a good time.

We're actually about to go to dinner.

Hey, little mama. I'm Carter.

I'm not your mother,
Carter. I'm Harper's bestie.

Wait. You guys are best friends? Cool.

So are you really
young, or really short?

No judgment either way.

So we're gonna go, but you
can stay as long as you like.

Hold up. I got some
questions for this one.

Where were you born?
What's your credit score?

Why are you not wearing socks?

You're not going on a boat.
Are you going on a boat?

Um... I should go.

I think you need to put
your bestie in time-out.

No, wait. You have such
great bone structure, please.


His loss, bestie.

Now, let's hang out forever.

♪ ♪

So what's your plan?

I have called up the one
person who hates Lewbert

as much as we do.

I'm going to turn that
doorman into a doormat.

Nailed it.

♪ ♪

Lewbert was a horrible menace
to everyone in the building.

He turned the Bushwell
into the Bush hell.

Nailed it again, Benson. (GIGGLES)

Wow, Mrs. Benson, thank you

for that case-shattering testimony.

Lewbert, the witness is all yours.

(SIGHS) She was once mine, wasn't she?

Hello, Marissa.

Seeing you almost makes
me want to smile again.

But, sadly, I was robbed of that ability

by one Ms. Carly Shay.

Can it, Lewb. I'm not falling for it.

But I fell for you.

You nursed me back to health

after Carly's exploding
muffin basket att*ck.

You put cream on my... (GASPS)

Oh, I can't even say it.

Your wart.

(GASPS)

I can still smell your perfume.

And you never forget the
scent of your first love.

Permission to kiss the witness.

Permission freaking granted.

(BOTH MOAN)

Objection!

(SCREAMS)

Your Honor, are you
gonna let this just happen

in your courtroom?

Yeah.

I am strangely into it.

Ugh...

Mrs. Benson was our last hope.

We're screwed.

Your Honor, I no longer
want to sue Ms. Carly Shay

for one million dollars.

He didn't do the pinky thing again!

Thank God. He's dropping the case.

(CHUCKLES) Wrong again, Carlificent!

I just want more.

I want the money and
ownership of iCarly.

(ALL GASP)

What? You can't take that from me.

But you can take as much of me
as you want, you greedy bastard.

(GRUNTS)

(LEWBERT AND MRS. BENSON MOAN)

This is really it. Lewbert Sline
is going to destroy my life.

This is the end of iCarly.

(SCREECHES)

Freddie, Lewbert smiled.

I think I know how to win this.

Your Grace...

I, Carly Shay,

call myself, Carly Shay,

to the stand.

If I may be permitted
this rare privilege.

Dear, well, that literally
happens all the time.

Well, it's new to me,
so I think it's exciting.

♪ ♪

Are you enjoying your adult
meal of cauliflower crust pizza

with cashew cheese and tofu pepperoni?

You can't just call things other things

and pretend they actually taste good.

So, thanks for taking me
to your lawyer's office

so I can make a living will.

It was very fun, and
not at all depressing.

Your life seems like so much more fun

- when I see you with Carly.
- Oh, at our age,

we're just riding high on supplements.

Oh, well, I'm out.

Carly's getting k*lled in trial,

and I gotta risk it all
to support her in court.

- You got our pizza?
- Huh?

I got spa day, you get this.

That's what adult besties do.

And you're my adult bestie, right?

Yes, sure am, and I
definitely have the money.

Ha! (FORCED LAUGH)

Okay, well, love you, mean
it. Bye, bestie. (SMOOCHES)

Oh, hello, Millicent.

Fancy meeting you here.

Olive, I was wrong.

Grown-up stuff is not fun.

They spend all their time
getting stuff reappraised.

I'm sorry, Olive. I
should've been your bestie.

Instead, I was your worstie.

I forgive you.

But, hey, who's gonna pay

- for this nasty pizza?
- Nobody.

Kids dine and dash.

Let's go, bestie.

♪ ♪

Dash, Olive, dash!

♪ ♪

Wow, three hours of all my wrongdoings.

You want to take a break?

Mm. I've got stamina.

Just ask Marissa.

I was perpetually exhausted.

I am going to set myself on fire.

Is there anything you'd
like to say for yourself?

Yes. I want to say thank you.

Objection! I...

Huh?

Do you remember when you
sneezed into Spencer's open mouth

- and got him sick?
- Ooh, I do!

It tasted like seaweed
and dirty kitchen sponge.

That was an accident.

But that accident led to so much more.

After Spencer got sick,
he couldn't take me

to the Air Force Father-Daughter Dance,

so my dad came from Italy
and he took me instead.

Right after she said
"no" to me taking her.

I'm fine.

I went back with him to Italy,
where I fell in love with gelato.

And then, when I came back
here, Skybucks was trying out

these new gelato-infused lattes.

Oh. "Ge-lattes."

We melted ice cream into coffee

and charged people $ . Allegedly.

And that's where I met Harper.

I love who I am today.

So, win or lose this case,

no one can take that away from me.

My life is so much better now, thanks...

to you.

(SCREAMING) Your life is better?

(SHRIEKING): No!

Are you kidding me?

Her life is better?

(SHRIEKS) Three years of
law school and student loans

and selling my hair like
Fantine from Les Mis.

(SHRIEKS)

Wait. Did you go to law
school just to get back at me?

Of course I did!

And now you thanking me!

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, my God! The wart!

- I need the name of that concealer.
- Same.

(SHRIEKS)

Oh!

Oh!

Oof! (SNEEZES)

(SCREAMS) No!

Not again! Ugh!

(SHRIEKING)

You see? This is what
I was talking about.

He's unhinged, untrustworthy,
and clearly unwell.

I move to dismiss.

- Yes!
- (ALL CHEERING)

No, that's not how court works.

Why? He was faking everything.

This man is guilty of
being shrill and repulsive,

but you tormented him.

I'm ruling in his favor.

So Lewbert gets my show?

That's also not how court works.

Have you heard of the First Amendment?

You can't stop someone from
making an okay web show.

Well, it's not for you, Your Honor.

Your actions have
consequences, Ms. Shay.

I'm awarding Mr. Sline $ ,

for pain and suffering.

(GAVEL BANGS)

You can cheer now.

(SCATTERED CLAPPING)

(FAINTLY): Yay. What a victory.

♪ ♪

To Carly, for putting
Lewbert in his place.

And to Spencer, for
paying that settlement.

(LAUGHTER)

What are brothers for?

Sure, I won't be able to
get that animatronic giraffe

that chews my salad for me.

Just kidding, I'm getting
it. I'm really rich, guys.

How'd you know your speech
was gonna cr*ck Lewbert?

'Cause he said he lost
his ability to smile,

but then he smiled when he thought

I was gonna lose everything.

I knew he was faking it.

You know who isn't faking it?

My mom. I really regret sharing a wall.

- Get it, Grandma B.
- Mm. Uh-uh.

Silver lining to the trial.

Chuck and I made up. He
even got me another box

of cupcakes as a peace offering.

- Mm...
- No.

Uh, people do change...

Oh!

Deliciously played, Chuck.

Deliciously played.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Ooh!

MAN: He hates these cans.
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