04x08 - Hello, Losers

Episode transcripts for the TV show "k*lling Eve". Aired April 8, 2018 to current.*

Moderator: kenny_stowton

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Two woman, Eve who is bored with her job that doesn't fufill her fantasies of being a spy and Villanelle, a talented k*ller are equally obsessed with each other, will go head to head in an epic game of cat and mouse.
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04x08 - Hello, Losers

Post by bunniefuu »

(EVE PANTS AND GRUNTS)

(SINISTER MUSIC)

No!

No! Please, no!

You can't have her.

She's mine.

(WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMS) No! No, no, no, no!

(GRUNTS)

- Huh!
- SONG: ♪ Stop... ♪

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh!

♪ What you're doing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Before it's too late... ♪

(GROANS)

Huh! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(BIRD CHIRPS)

(SWEET WHISTLING)

(SINGSONG) Where are you?

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

I'll find you!

You've trespassed. I'll k*ll you!

(WHISTLES SWEETLY)

Huh!

Arggh!

(BOTH GASP AND GRUNT)

Oh!

(SCREAMS)

(EVE ROARS)

(SCREAMS)

♪ Stop what you're doing ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh. ♪

Villanelle!

Hey!

Were you watching that?

What? Do you want me to say thank you?

(EVE SIGHS) Jesus...

I know where they are.

Or where they will be.

And we don't have much time.

Konstantin said you'd know
how to decode this.

It's Helene's.

You steal phones from corpses now.

They don't know she's dead yet.

They're having a meeting
and this is our chance.

And this is why you're here?

You know why I'm here.

You want this as much as I do.

(TAP SQUEAKS)

What did you do to her?

Why? Are you looking for inspiration?

(GUNN BELLOWS) Villanelle!

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)

(SIGHS)

Amateur.

Oh, are you kidding me?

GUNN: Hey!

Jesus! Oh!

Villanelle!

Oh, God...

She's coming.

Jesus. Oh, come on, come on, come on!

(GRUNTS)

Oh! Jesus! Oh!

I will k*ll you b*tches!

Engine, engine.

Okay.

- (MOTOR STARTS)
- Villanelle!

Oh!

Villanelle!

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

No signal.

Well, maybe we can tether it.

Is your phone working?

Are you gonna help?

You just don't get it, do you?

You don't want to say it?

Fine. I don't care. But I can.

I need you, Villanelle.

I came all this way to be with you

and, I mean, in the middle, of...
(LAUGHS) like, nowhere!

You're angry.

I'm angry.

You're hurt.

I'm hurt.

That is life, and we're
running out of time.

So you need to stop pouting and
being a suck face and get on with it.

- (GRUNTS)
- Huh! Oh, don't...

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Stop it! Stop... stop it!
Are you kidding me?

- Stop... !
- WOMAN: Hey!

Are you two okay?

All good, thanks.

Okay.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

('BEHAVE MYSELF' BY SHE DREW THE g*n)

_

♪ I am the rage of all women condensed
to the point of expl*si*n ♪

♪ I'm the silence of
violation finally broken ♪

♪ I am the joke behind the
eloquent feminist slogan ♪

♪ And I will not behave myself... ♪

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN) _

Your accent is terrible.

You sound like a drunk bat.

Come on, then. Quick, march.

♪ Into the skies and out of control ♪

♪ Get ready for my dangerous soul ♪

♪ Unshakeable heart,
unstoppable change ♪

♪ Now I see the bars of this cage... ♪

- _
- (THUNDER RUMBLES)

- MAN: Oh!
- WOMAN: Huh!

Mary Poppins.

- Oh, jeez.
- Oh, the storms 'round here!

They come on in no time.

We couldn't leave you out
there in the elements.

- Could we, bubba?
- Oh, that's right, honey.

BOTH: Mwah!

Oh, it'll probably blow over by morning.

Until then, I guess we just
get to know each other.

- Yeah?
- Chat.

- It might be fun.
- (LAUGHS)

(FIRE CRACKLES)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

So how did you guys meet?

Yeah.

Oh, she stalked me,

drove my husband away,
left me with nothing.

She stalked me. She put me in prison.

She tongued my boss.

Oh, no!

(BOTH LAUGH)

- You...
- I'm so gullible.

(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)

- Oh, God.
- How about you two?

(MURMURS) You...

Well, um... (CLEARS THROAT)

- I'm gonna... Yeah, I'll tell her.
- Yeah, you. Yeah, okay.

My... Sorry.

Maggie gave me a kidney.

I was in hospital visiting a friend

and Donnie was in the
next bed on dialysis.

- I thought he was cute.
- (CHUCKLES)

I thought she looked like she had
a kidney spare. Only kidding.

(CHUCKLES) And then six months later...

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

- Ta-da!
- Look at that.

Kidney twins.

Aww.

We are bound together forever.

- That's true, baby.
- Oh, my bubba.

(BOTH SMOOCH)

- Oh, I love you, I love you...
- (GIGGLES)

I love you. I love... I love you!

_

(CROCKERY CLINKS)

This place used to be owned
by an Austrian woman

who came here as a child
on a Kindertransport.

When she d*ed, she gifted the
whole house and everything in it

to the British government as
a way of saying thank you.

I'm sure she'd be thrilled with
you manhandling her crockery.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(CLOCK TICKS)

Do you want to know
why I got into this job?

Would a 'no' deter you?

I believe in what we do

and I know it might surprise
you to hear this,

but I take pride in
protecting our country.

Well, the good bits anyway.

Not so much the eggy bits.

And I do the unsavoury things
that we all have to do

because I believe that they are
necessary for the greater good.

But you?

I think you love the unsavoury.
You get off on the lying

and the sneaking around

and the little nod to somebody
on a Monday morning

that gets somebody a
thousand miles away k*lled.

Aren't you even a tiny
bit ashamed of yourself?

Unplug the listening devices.

(PLUG CLICKS)

All of them.

That's the lot.

Your nice new girlfriend from
the home counties, Melanie...

... is actually a Russian
agent from Vladivostok.

- Bollocks.
- We've seen a lot of those too.

You really have hit her with
a deluge of penis portraits.

She did move in with you bizarrely
quickly, don't you think?

Or maybe someone with your
vanity wouldn't notice that.

She's probably there now, all alone,

free to ransack through
your sordid little bits.

Would you bring in my bags

- before you... Ugh.
- (DOOR SLAMS)

(SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

- Okay, are you ready?
- DONNIE: No, no, no!

- It's... it's okay!
- I'm scared, I'm scared!

- It's gonna be fine. Relax, relax.
- Whenever you do it... All right, all right.

- Just do it.
- (GASPS)

The moon!

I love this card. This is
a really mysterious card.

This means you have to
trust your intuition.

(BOTH CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)

(WHISPERS) I think I might k*ll them.

I think I might help you.

(BOTH CONTINUE CHATTING)

Do you guys want me to read your tarot?

You totally should. It's like
she can see into your soul.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Okay.

Perfect.

So I'll do a simple three-card reading.

The first card represents the past,

the second the present
and the third the future.

I'm complicated.

Okay.

The tower. That speaks of chaos
and destruction in your past.

Can you think of why that might be?

(LAUGHS AND SNORTS)

Let's have a look at your present.

Mmm, the lovers.

Now, normally, it would denote unity,

but the card is upside down
so it speaks of the opposite.

Is there any unresolved
conflict in your partnership?

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Do my future.

The sun!

The sun?

That's one of the best
cards you can get.

The sun is magnificent and holy.

Whatever path you walk down,

you'll be blessed
with a celestial light.

The sun is life.

Okay, you know what? Do my future.

- Don't shove the sun.
- Let's go.

I can do you a three-card reading too.

I don't want that. I just want
the future, the last one.

Yeah.

Okay.

- (SOFT, OMINOUS MUSIC)
- _

(PHONE BUZZES)

_

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

Okay, what do you want?

hours.

And a taxi to Hampstead.

(DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS)

(EXHALES)

(RAIN PATTERS)

They're just cards, Eve.

- There's no such thing as fate.
- Really? What's this, then?

You're a lot today.

I'm a lot every day.

(MAGGIE AND DONNIE CHATTER AND LAUGH)

One of her organs is inside of him

and they still can't piss
in front of each other.

(SCOFFS)

I wouldn't take it too seriously.

(DOOR SQUEAKS AND SHUTS)

(MAGGIE AND DONNIE CHATTER AND LAUGH)

Hey, are you two okay
sharing a sleeping bag?

(DONNIE GIGGLES)

(ROOSTER CROWS)

(SOFT SNORING)

(PERSON SNORTS AND SNORES)

(SIGHS)

(GENTLE, DREAMY MUSIC)

(WHISPERS) What are you doing?

(GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES)

(EXHALES)

SONG: ♪ We're walking in a
curved line into something new ♪

♪ The birds are watching
every step I take ♪

♪ Beneath the stars, beneath the moon ♪

♪ There is a hole... ♪

Shall we steal their stupid campervan?

♪ It's covered up in darkness... ♪

Yes.

♪ But then there is something ♪

♪ Moving against me ♪

♪ It's not in line ♪

♪ With the world I know... ♪

Oh, okay.

So the nearest truck
stop isn't that far.

Maybe they'll have a phone charger.

I can't believe Helene's phone dies now.

(SIGHS)

What do they even have at truck stops?

Trucks.

Oh.

(GASPS)

(MOCKINGLY) Feed me
one, will you, honey?

(HUSKILY) Sure thing, bubba.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Eugh...

Oh, did you get the coffee one?

- Yeah.
- Mm, that's karma.

Ugh. (TURNS ON STEREO)

(DRIVING ROCK SONG PLAYS)

(ROMANTIC CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS)

♪ But don't forget ♪

♪ It's me who put you
where you are now ♪

♪ And I can put you back down too ♪

♪ Don't, don't you want me? ♪

♪ You know I can't believe it ♪

♪ When I hear that you won't see me ♪

♪ Don't, don't you want me? ♪

♪ You know I don't believe you ♪

♪ When you say that you don't need me ♪

♪ It's much too late to find ♪

♪ You think you've changed your mind ♪

♪ You'd better change it back
or we will both be sorry ♪

♪ Don't you want me, baby? ♪

♪ Don't you want me, oh-oh-oh-oh? ♪

♪ Don't you want me... ♪

(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

(PEOPLE CHATTER)

Oh, my God, they do curly fries.

(CLICKS)

(MOUTHING) Curly fries?

(MOUTHING) What?

Can I use this?

(SIGHS)

(CLICKS)

(WHISPERING) Yes!

(YELLS) Yes!

_

(LEAVES RUSTLE)

This had better be good.

I have hours

and I would like to take The
Twelve down before suppertime.

Konstantin's dead.

I k*lled him.

With a pizza cutter.

Is that it?

He wanted me to tell you
he always loved you.

And to give you this.

(ENVELOPE SLIDES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(PAPER SCRUNCHES)

You could've posted it.

I just thought maybe...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, now you've told me.

Wait!

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

You're a psychopath.

- I love mustard!
- It's messed up.

I'm the psychopath? Please.

What?

Go for it.

(PHONE DINGS)

Okay, we have an address.

The Barn Swallow?

Are you sure this is the right location?

It's what the postcard said.

That's the pub by MI , cheap tossers.

One time, me and Bill were in there

and saw a man vomit into his
pint glass and then drink it.

Bill.

You m*rder*d him on a
dance floor in Berlin.

Of course.

I remember Bill.

So do I.

(UNEASY MUSIC)

What's your name?

Pam.

Pam, I've made two
discoveries in the last year.

Firstly, that I look
exceptional in linen.

Really. Truly unbeatable.

And, secondly, that emotions or...

feelings, as people apparently
like to call them nowadays,

are at best an inconvenience

and at worst a total scourge
on one's freedoms,

guilt and shame especially.

Don't let them take hold.

This reminds me of my daughter,

so tranquil and serene.

- Is she... ?
- Oh, alive and well.

Just supremely irritating.

(LEAVES RUSTLE)

(WATCH CLINKS)

Um...

(TRANQUIL CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Don't open your mouth.

I've just seen a dead fox.

(TRANQUIL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BOTH URINATE)

VILLANELLE: Oh!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Ahh!

(URINATION STOPS)

Ugh.

(WIND BLUSTERS)

(GENTLE MUSIC RISES)

('BITE MARKS' BY THE MISTYS)


♪ Take your time to read ♪

♪ The things you see in me ♪

♪ And when you feel alone ♪

♪ Just come away, let's go ♪

♪ The time it takes to fight ♪

♪ You are left behind ♪

- ♪ Just leave it all and stay... ♪
- (BOTH LAUGH)

♪ I won't be far away ♪

♪ Where we are ♪

♪ You will find another light to chase ♪

♪ They come, they go away ♪

♪ We're here to stay, the broken ♪

♪ Where we are ♪

♪ You will find another light to chase ♪

♪ You come, you go away ♪

♪ Where we stay... ♪

(EVE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS)

_

Upstairs rooms are all empty.

Cellar just had a guy in there
eating pickles straight from the jar.

How wretched.

Shall we go?

(DOOR OPENS)

Carolyn.

How are you?

- I miss Havana.
- Me too.

The music, the dancing.

(LAUGHS)

The inebriated nudity.

Could you two give us a moment?

Mmm...

Whatever muck you intend
to sling, please spare me.

Actually, I wanted to thank you.

How disconcerting.

If you hadn't spotted me in that meeting

the morning after
Bill's karaoke party...

I wouldn't even be here.

I'd still be warming my
tea in the microwave.

One of the great unspoken
truths of life, Eve,

is that people behave exactly
as you expect them to.

Take you, for example.

You're about to embark
on some mad endgame

when in fact you know, deep
down, you're just a woman

who likes an inappropriately
timed croissant

on a hungover Sunday morning.

And you are gonna race me to it

even though you know, deep down...

you don't have an excuse anymore.

You knew who k*lled Kenny.

You just pretended not to so
you could keep playing the game.

I was going to do that, yes.

But now I'm going to behave
exactly as you'd expect me to...

and do something different.

I'm sorry about Konstantin.

He's dead?

(SCOFFS LIGHTLY)

(SPEAKS RUSSIAN) _

(PHONE DINGS)

_

Finally, the head honchos
of The Twelve in one room.

You can have this one,
Eve, with my blessing.

It's always been mine.

Pamela?

Change of plan. We're going for a walk.

They changed location.

I owe you a dare. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(WATER LAPS)

- What's happening?
- I... This can't be right.

I mean, it looks like a wedding.

Let me see.

(SCOFFS)

Smart.

They're here.

We've got to get on before it leaves.

CAROLYN: I don't know
why it's so popular.

It's as if ice had only
just been invented.

Did you want to go up the London Eye?

My information is no
use feet in the air

in a pod of other people's flatulence.

I see.

Feeling homesick?

Surprisingly, yes,

but you don't go back
to MI empty-handed.

What's the plan?

Whatever Eve and Villanelle
are gonna do is happening.

(PLASTIC THUDS)

Perhaps that's what I wanted.

You can't win the game unless
the game is on, can you?

Who are you loyal to?

Even loyalty is a dubious virtue...

except when it's to me.

Now, let's not pussyfoot around.

Do you want the job?

No.

Thanks for the coffee.

(EXHALES)

SONG: ♪ You better mean it ♪

♪ You better mean it ♪

♪ You better mean it ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh... ♪

_

(PEOPLE CHATTER INDISTINCTLY)

- WOMAN : Hi there.
- WOMAN : Hi.

How do we know who The Twelve is?

We might just have to k*ll them all.

- MAN: The boat's about to leave.
- WOMAN: That's everyone.

Uh, she's not here yet.
Wait. Are you Natsuko?

Yes.

- Oh!
- Natsuko! Thank God.

- Yes!
- We've been calling you for ages.

- Oh.
- I thought I was gonna have to officiate

my own wedding for a moment there.

- Come. Follow me.
- We're starting now. Come on.

Great!

Oh!

Distract them.

(PEOPLE CHATTER)

Wonderful. Just through here.

Uh...

(STAMMERS)

(PURPOSEFUL MUSIC)

(PEOPLE TALK BUSILY)

_

(HISSING)

You are a handsome man.

You... are also a handsome man.

Together...

... you are...

... two handsome men.

But also so much more than that.

(SOFT MUSIC)

Relationships...

are a lot of work.

They require effort.

And you will have tough times.

Sometimes you'll feel like
you're losing your way,

and sometimes you'll feel
like you're losing each other.

But the beauty in your relationship

will be found in the ways you reunite.

Have you ever heard of kintsugi?

Okay, kintsugi is the Japanese
art form of gluing...

Stay with me here.

It's a way of gluing broken
pots back together with gold.

It actually strengthens the pot.

It's a way... of bonding...

- (PEOPLE EXCLAIM IN DISTANCE)
- ... to create something new...

- (PEOPLE MOAN)
- ... something completely your own.

(DOOR THUDS)

Uh, you may now kiss the groom!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(HISSING)

- (VALVE CLICKS)
- (HISSING STOPS)

(PEOPLE CHATTER)

(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

(EXHALES)

Hello, losers.

(LIVELY FUNK MUSIC PLAYS)

('CANDY' BY CAMEO)

♪ Yeah, yeah, mmm ♪

♪ It's like candy ♪

♪ I can feel it when you walk ♪

♪ Even when you talk it takes over me ♪

♪ You're so dandy ♪

♪ I wanna know ♪

♪ Can you feel it too just like I do? ♪

♪ Just like I do? ♪

♪ This stuff is starting now ♪

♪ It's the same feeling ♪

♪ I always seem to get around you ♪

♪ There's no mistaking ♪

♪ I'm clearly taken ♪

♪ By the simple mere thought of you ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ This stuff is starting
now, stuff is starting ♪

♪ This stuff is starting now ♪

♪ This stuff is starting now ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ My eyes roll in my head ♪

♪ I toss and turn in my bed... ♪

(SONG ECHOES AND FADES)

(EXHALES)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(ALL CLAP IN TIME)

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

(MUSIC CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

I did it, Eve.

Uh... don't you mean 'we' did it?

Yeah, but mostly me.

Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

(GULLS CAW)

(GASPS)

Uh...

(WINCES)

(BREATHES SHAKILY)

Oh...

- (MUFFLED g*nsh*t)
- Eve, Eve...

- Oh, my... !
- Jump, Eve!

- No!
- (g*nshots)

SONG: ♪ Try to keep it quiet ♪

♪ But you know how it is ♪

♪ When you're alone ♪

♪ I've been thinking about you ♪

♪ I've been thinking about you... ♪

(FIREWORKS EXPLODE)

♪ She knows what she likes ♪

♪ She doesn't know what she likes ♪

♪ Here is a testimony ♪

♪ Of our love ♪

♪ She throws her life away ♪

♪ She never knows what to say ♪

♪ Standing in a cold room ♪

♪ I die a little ♪

♪ Cry a little ♪

♪ And try to pick up ♪

♪ The pieces... ♪

Jolly good.

(GASPS)

♪ I've been thinking about you ♪

♪ I missed everything about you... ♪

(SCREAMS)
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