01x21 - Don't Bank on Herman

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Munsters". Aired: September 24, 1964 – May 12, 1966.*
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1313 Mockingbird Lane revolves around a family of monsters.
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01x21 - Don't Bank on Herman

Post by bunniefuu »

Lily, don't you think
Marilyn should be up in bed?

I mean, she looks terrible... with all
that color in her cheeks and everything.

She was sent home from
school about an hour ago.

Oh! She has a fever... . .

But... But isn't that
normal, Aunt Lily?

Oh, heavens, no. Uh, we
Munsters average in the low s.

Hey, Dad.

Grandpa's down in the
dungeon waiting to mix up a cure.

Here.

Grandpa, now hear this.

I read you, Herman.

High fever.

High fever.

And I feel so low.

Feels very low. Feels very low.

Feels very low.

Feels very low.

There. [Chuckles] That
oughta lift her spirits.

Oh. Tell him to forget it.

Tell him to forget it.

Grandpa, forget it.

Oh.

Oh, I guess you're right
about Grandpa's cures.

He should either give up medicine
or take up practice in California.

Oh, you poor dear.

We'd better put her upstairs
in bed before Grandpa

has her floating all
over the neighborhood.

Can I help you, Lily?
Oh, no, thank you, dear.

Oh, yes. Uh... Uh, maybe.

Uh, Marilyn was going
to the bank for me.

Do you think I could trust
you to make a withdrawal?

Trust me?

How could a levelheaded, conscientious
fellow like me get in trouble at the bank?

Oh, Herman, here's the bankbook.

It's just a simple
withdrawal. Yes, dear.

Uh, but I think you'd better take
Grandpa to the bank with you.

Hmm. Well, I would prefer to
make a withdrawal at the blood bank,

but I guess you
can't have everything.

Now, Herman, Yes, dear.

The withdrawal slip is
all made out. Mm-hmm.

We have a tax
installment due... Right.

So we need all the money
from the tax account.

Right. Uh, draw
out all the money.

Yes. Uh, my hat, please.

Thank you. And, Herman...

Yes, dear? Bring it
straight back here.

[Chuckles Softly]

Gotcha. Grandpa.

You wanted to see me,
Mr. Grover? Yes, Williams.

I just had another report
on those masked bandits

who've been terrorizing
this side of town.

They held up our main office
this morning. We may be next.

They the ones with
the Halloween masks?

Yes, those hideous
disguises are their trademark.

I'll warn all my tellers, sir.
Okay, but these men are

always heavily armed, and
I don't want anybody hurt.

You know my rule
here. If this bank is held

up, you tell our people
to turn over the money.

That's much better than having one
of our personnel or our customers sh*t.

Okay, Mr. Grover.
I'll inform the tellers.

Excuse me, miss.
Yes, sir? May I help...

[Gasps] I'd like all the money.

Uh, miss, would you put
it in a bag or something?

It... It's hard to
carry loose like that.

Oh, thank you, miss. Uh,
you give very quick service.

It's a pleasure doing
business with you.

Bye.

You know, Herman, I didn't realize Lily
had that much money in her tax account.

I know. As the hipsters say,

that's quite a bagful of bread.

Maybe you oughta count it
while we're waiting for Lily.

Count it?

Good idea.

Good idea.

They might have robbed us.

, .

, .

$ , .

Herman, I have some
news for you. Yes, dear?

We only had $
in our tax account.

Really? Really.

You know what this
means, now, don't you?

Yes, I do, dear.

It means our bank gives a
very generous rate of interest.

It means, Herman, that
you have goofed it again.

But, Lily, "goofed it"?

What do you mean I goofed it?

What happened? Oh!

Don't you "But, Lily" me.

All right. I'll tell you
exactly what happened.

This afternoon, a certain
party went to the bank...

with a bankbook showing
$ in the account, hmm?

Mm-hmm. And a withdrawal
slip made out for $ .

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

Now, what did this
certain party do?

Did he come home with $ ?

No, he did not.

This featherbrained
klutz came home...

with $ , that
didn't belong to him.

That's what he did.

Now, what would you
have to say to that?

I would say that was a
remarkable coincidence.

Because, you know, the
same thing happened to me.

Herman. Hmm?

You are the featherbrained
klutz to whom I was referring.

Oh. Oh, I... I... I was?

I mean, you were? I mean...

Oh. Well, golly, Lily.

You don't have to put
all the blame on me.

I... I mean, your own father
was along with me, you know.

And he's not half as big a...

Uh, what... what
you said as I am.

And anyway, when the lady at
the bank gave us all that money,

I couldn't just start
counting it right there,

'cause she might have
thought I didn't trust her.

Then she might have
gotten angry at me,

started yelling and everything.

Well... I-I'm sorry, dear.

I guess it wasn't
all your fault.

I don't know how it happened,
but I do know one thing.

You've just got to take that
money back to the bank tomorrow.

I mean, it's... it's only
the fair, adult thing to do.

Isn't it, sweetheart?
I guess so.

Then you're not
mad at me anymore?

How could I stay
mad at you, pussycat?

What are you doing?

Uh, uh, I've never seen
this much money before.

Can't I just play with it
till I have to give it back?

Oh, Herman!

, .

, .

$ , .

[Chuckles] Money,
money. Money, money.

[Sighs] Money.

My good man, I'll take
that black limousine

and two of those red
convertibles, please.

Thank you. [Chuckles]

Money.

[Laughing]

Please, girls, stop
kissing me. Stop.

Just because I gave you a few diamond
necklaces, doesn't mean you own me.


Zsa Zsa, no. You'll have
to stand in line like the rest.

I'm rolling in money.

I'm swimming in money.

I'm drowning in money.

Drowning. Drowning.

Drowning. All right, drown.

Help! Help! I'm drowning.

You can't let me
drown. I'm a rich man.

Help!

Are you quite through,
Mr. Rockefeller?

Oh, it's you, Lily.
I was dreaming.

[Sighs] I thought
I was a rich man.

Well, you're not. So will you please send
Zsa Zsa home and let's get some sleep.

Zsa Zsa?

Lily, I know I won't
be able to sleep till that

money's back in the
bank. Oh, of course you will.

And you'll take it back in the
morning as soon as the bank is open.

Now good night. I'm just dead.

[Huffing]

I know I won't be able to sleep
till that money's back in the bank.

To heck with
waiting for it to open.

I'll take it back tonight.

Don't touch me. I'm gonna
short-circuit the burglar alarm system.

[Electricity Crackling]

Grandpa, uh, uh,
are you all right?

Well, just a little lightheaded.

Now, Herman, I just
short-circuited the main fuse.

Give me this. Now, go
ahead, open the door.

After you, Grandpa.

If I remember correctly, the
vault is someplace over there.

Herman? Herman, where are you?

I'm over here.
What are you doing?

Uh, I just thought I'd
fill my fountain pen.

Fill your fountain pen. Herman,
will you come on. I found the vault.

[Metal Clanks]

Would you help?

Butterfingers. Here. Hold this.

Look. It's set for :
a.m. in the morning.

Oh. Maybe it works
like an alarm clock.

What do you mean? Well, they...

Uh, uh, maybe they
set it from the back.

Uh, uh, what time
shall I set it for? Ooh.

Look, it... it's almost : .

Set it for : .

All right.

[Whispering]
: , : , : ,

: and : ...

and : .

[Lock Clicks] [Bell Dings]

[Laughing]

After you, Grandpa.

[Wheezing Laugh]

Uh, Grandpa, I'll feel
around for the light switch.

Good idea.

Ah.

Ah. It's rather
pleasant in here.

Reminds me a little of
the catacombs I used

to crawl around in
when I was very little.

Well, Herman, uh, we might as well
say good-bye to our short-lived prosperity.

Uh, good-bye,
short-lived prosperity.

Well, that was easy enough.

Now all we have to do is
go home and... [Door Closes]

[Locks Clicking, Whirring]

Grandpa, did you
hear a door slam?

Yes, I did hear a door slam.

Was it a back door?
No, it wasn't a back door.

Was it a side door?
No, it wasn't a side door.

What kind of door was it?

[Together] It was the only door.

Herman!


Herman!

Herman, we're locked
in! We're trapped, Herman!

We're hermetically
sealed in here, Herman!

These walls are
made of solid steel.

Herman, we may
never get out of here!

Herman, don't you understand?
We may never get out of here.

Well, it'll teach us a darn good
lesson to be more careful next time.

[Frustrated Groan] Why?

Marilyn. Marilyn.

Oh, yes, Aunt Lily?
Oh, I hate to disturb you,

dear, but have you
seen your Uncle Herman?

He's gone. Oh, well,
maybe he's in with Grandpa.

No, I've already checked Grandpa's
room. His slab hasn't even been slept on.

Do you suppose they might have gone on
one of their strolls through the cemetery?

They just might have. Herman
was so worried about that money...

that he was having
trouble getting to sleep.

I'm afraid I wasn't
very sympathetic.

Oh, I'm sure that's
where they are, Aunt Lily.

And you know if there's one thing
those two really dig, it's graveyards.

Grandpa, we've just gotta
find a way to get out of here.

Grandpa? Grandpa?

Grandpa? Oh.

Grandpa, we've gotta find
a way to get out of here.

You're right. Now, we've
just got to keep looking.

And that way we
might just be able to...

Herman, look.

"For emergency use only."

Grandpa, look. A telephone.

I'll just call the police department,
tell them we're locked in,

they'll come get us and
we'll be out in no time.

Operator, get me
the police department.

[Woman] Which
precinct, please? Precinct?

Uh, Mockingbird
Heights Precinct.

That's a local number.
You may dial it direct, sir.

Yes, but you see, I
don't have the number.

Local numbers are
listed in your directory.

But, miss, there is
no directory here.

You see, I'm locked in a v...
I'll connect you with Information.

She's getting me Information.
Herman, Information? Wha...

Information, could I
have the number of the

Mockingbird Heights
Police Department, please?

[Woman] That number is
- . [Mumbling Number]

Thank you, miss.

- . Right.

Write that down,
Grandpa. I will.

I don't seem to have anything to
write it with. Herman, give me your pen.

- .

...

It's empty. You
wouldn't let me fill it.

Ooh! Fill it...

We'll just have to
remember it. Here.

- . Right.

They'll want to know where we
are. What's the address of this bank?

I think it's st Street.

st Street.

st Street.

I'll just keep that in
my head. You got it?

I got it. st Street.

And the telephone
number is - . Right.

And, Herman, when you get the police,
they'll be here in five or minutes.

If they go like , we'll have seven or
eight of them down here in winks.

And it'll be one,
two, button my shoe,

three, four, and
they'll open the door!

Oh!

Herman. Herman, what are
you waiting for? Dial the number.

You made me forget it.

"Forget it." Oh, this is ridiculous.
Herman, give me that thing.

[Rotary Dials]

"One, two, buckle my shoe."

Listen, lady, this
is an emergency.

My friend and I are here, and
we're locked in a bank vault together,

and the walls are two feet thick,
and we're... we're running out of air.

If you don't get somebody down
here immediately, we'll both be dead.

Listen, lady. Please,
do something.

[Woman] I'd love to help
you, sir, but this is a recording.

It's a recording.

Grandpa, what did you
push? The light went on.

"Push to summon
police." [Laughs]

Maybe we'll be rescued
after all. [Wheezing Laugh]

Oh, Herman, before we know it,

there'll be someone on the other
side of the door trying to get in.

You know, Fingers, we're
really throwing the cops off...

in hitting this place at night
instead of in the daytime.

Sure, Scotty, and I always felt like a
goon wearing that Halloween mask.

I thought it was really
becoming to you.

There's the vault. Come on.

Hey. Hey. What a... What
a break. What a break.

Someone, uh, disconnecting
the... the burglar alarm.

And that front door's the
easiest lock I ever picked.

Yeah. This bank
is sure askin' for it.

Listen, we gotta blow this vault,
get the loot and scram out of here.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Come on. Start your
drill. I'll hold the flashlight.

Come on. Let's get
goin'. All right. Let her rip.

[Drill Whirring]

Grandpa, listen. Somebody's
working on the door.

It sounds like a big drill.
We're being rescued.

[Laughing] A drill?

Who wants to be
rescued by a dentist?

Okay, Scotty, there she is.

Are you sure this
job's gonna be worth it?

Fingers, when we
blow this door off,

you just ain't gonna
believe what's inside.

Light it.

Grandpa, it got quiet out there.

You don't suppose
they've given up?

[Laughs] Don't be
ridiculous, Herman.

They must have stopped to
have a cigarette or something.

I'm sure we'll be hearing
a noise any minute now.

[expl*si*n]

Hi! Herman, these
are the ones who did it.

Oh, Grandpa, I feel so good,
I'm gonna give 'em a big hug.

[Chuckling]

I think we better get out of
here before somebody shows up.

They don't look
like police to me.

[Mouthing Words]

[Mouthing Words]

Read some more about
the bank robbers, Grandpa.

Well, "Scotty Malone
and Fingers Dusick...

"upon being revived by police at
the scene of the attempted robbery...

"blamed their capture on
two unidentified citizens...

who appeared from nowhere
and rendered them unconscious."

Oh, how brave of you, Herman.

"Now, these are thought
to be the same persons...

who summoned the police
on the bank's alarm system."

And it says a reward
is waiting if the two men

come forward. Are you
gonna claim it, Herman?

Oh, I don't really
think so, Lily.

It would mean interviews
and photographs,

and you know how shy I am
about having my picture taken.
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