[Sighs]
Hi, Grandpa. Where's Lily?
She's gone to bed.
You better go up and
tell her where you've been.
You've been out three nights
in a row. What are you up to?
Grandpa, I don't
want Lily to know,
but I'm engaged in a project
that is going to benefit mankind...
and keep the streets
of our country safe...
for women and
children everywhere.
No. Yes.
I'm a detective.
What? You, a detective?
Herman. Herman,
do me a favor. Hmm?
When the boys from
the happy hatch come...
to fit you with that
canvas housecoat,
please, don't tell 'em
you're my son-in-law!
[Laughing]
What time did Uncle Herman
get home last night, Aunt Lily?
Not till : .
He had some vague excuse about
getting lost on the way home from work.
- Hey, maybe Pop is leadin' a double life.
- A double life?
Yeah. He's really a
criminal on parole,
and he has to go out at night
and pay blackmail to some crooks,
so they won't tell everybody his
mother runs a saloon in New Orleans.
Eddie Munster, wherever
do you get such ideas?
It was on the second
feature at the kiddies' matinee.
Oh, those horror shows!
Eddie, you should spend
Saturday afternoons at home...
doing something more wholesome,
like digging up bones in
the backyard with Spot.
Where's Uncle
Herman now, Aunt Lily?
He's down in that lab
again with Grandpa.
I don't know what they're up
to. It's awfully quiet down there.
I'd feel a lot better if I
could hear a few explosions.
"Follow that man.
"Learn to be a detective
in your spare time.
"Earn up to $ a week.
"Glamour, excitement...
Official badge with
first lesson." [Chuckles]
"United States National
Federal Detective Academy.
Box , Tijuana,
Mexico." [Snickers]
Oh, boy. My son-in-law,
the w*tback detective.
Herman, this is a gyp outfit.
Oh, no, they're not. [Chuckles]
That's where I
have you, Grandpa.
They sent me this
official detective kit.
See? Here's my
fingerprinting equipment.
- [Grunts]
- [Laughs]
And these are what is
commonly known in the trade...
as restraining cuffs.
[Clatters]
Well... Oh, it doesn't matter
anyway. They didn't send me the key.
And, eh-eh, what is this,
a Tijuana phone book?
No. This is my easy lessons.
See? Here's a chapter
on how to follow men. Eh?
Here's a chapter on
how to follow women.
Here's a chapter on how to
follow men disguised as women.
You see, Grandpa?
I am too a detective.
Okay. Okay.
Good. Good. [Chuckles]
You're a detective.
What do you do now?
What do I do now?
I give up my present
low-salary job...
for the high-paying rewards...
of a career in law enforcement.
You mean quit your
job down at the parlor?
Herman, you're a
big man down there.
You, who started out
years ago as a nail boy.
I'm not quitting
right now, Grandpa.
I need more experience.
That's why I've been
out the last three nights...
practicing how to shadow people.
Grandpa? Grandpa... Oh!
Herman, hmm?
Not only will you get Lily mad,
but if you keep
shadowing people,
you will wind up with
what is known in the trade...
as a belt in the mouth!
Grandpa, you can
laugh if you want to,
but I'm on the verge of a
career in law enforcement.
I've already sent in
my application to the
Kempner Detective Agency
right here in this town.
They said they'd call me.
Are you sure about that?
That's just what they said:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
Herman?
And just where do you think
you're going again tonight?
Uh... Eh, just out, dear.
There's some secret
work I have to do...
that will eventually be of
great benefit to my family.
All right, go ahead.
I don't suppose it
matters to you that you're
completely ruining my
plans for the evening.
Oh? What plans are those, dear?
Oh, just that I'm supposed
to go out tonight...
and collect for our favorite
charity, Bundles for Transylvania.
I thought that my husband
could at least be with me...
when I knock on strange doors.
But that's all right.
Go ahead, stay out all
evening with your "secret" work.
- But, Lily!
- Oh, no.
Go on. And while you're out,
why don’t you send
a one-word telegram...
to our poor friends
in the Old Country...
"Starve!"
But...
[Groans]
[Gasps]
Oh, it's only you.
Well, w-why don't
you sit closer?
What for? So I
can give you a kiss.
Oh, I-I'd be embarrassed.
Well, then close your
eyes. Will you close yours?
Uh-huh. Okay.
One, two, three.
[Speaking With Chinese Accent] Oh, um,
me no Peeping Tom. Me number-one detective.
Oh!
Well, he's not at the office.
[Scoffs] Secret work, my foot.
I'll just bet he's seeing
another woman. Oh, Aunt Lily.
I'm going down first
thing in the morning...
to the Kempner Detective Agency and have
your Uncle Herman followed! [Door Creaking]
Well, what do you suppose
he's been doing, Aunt Lily?
Well, I don't know. But
the next time he does it,
there'll be a detective
behind him taking notes!
Well, I'm sure we can
handle this case, Mrs. Munster.
Would you give us a
description of your husband?
Well, he's average
height, about foot .
Seven foot ?
[Chuckles] Did he
ever play basketball?
No. J-Just in the backyard
with our son, Eddie.
But he had to give it up. He
kept catching his head in the hoop.
- How about his weight?
- Three spins.
Three spins?
Yes. When he gets
on the bathroom scale...
You know the little dial...
Well, it spins around three times.
Put down "heavy."
How does he wear his hair?
Well, um, he wears it a
little long on the sides...
and, uh, flat on top.
- Ears?
- Mm-hmm, two.
Oh, they're not a matched
set, but only the family can tell.
Herman has a very
distinguished lantern jaw...
and piercing eyes.
And, um, a classic nose. Oh,
and an overhanging forehead.
Overhanging forehead?
Yes. It keeps the water out of
his eyes when he's in the shower.
Any, uh, scars or birthmarks?
No. Oh.
He does have a cute
little dimple... right here.
- Dimple?
- It's about five inches long,
and this wide and all "jaggedy."
Do you suppose you could have him
followed and find out what he's up to?
Well, uh, I tell you, Mrs. Munster,
we're pretty busy right now.
We got a lot of
husbands to follow. It
always happens when
the warm weather sets in.
Uh, suppose I talk this
over with my partner,
and we'll get right back to you.
Well, I-I certainly hope you
don't find out it's another woman.
I'd hate to lose Herman.
He's one in a million.
One in a million?
From the description, I'd say
the odds are a lot higher than that.
Mike, I'd hate to put one
of our men on this case.
The whole thing sounds so weird.
There's no telling
what might happen.
Yeah, but... [Phone Ringing]
Kempner Detective Agency.
This is speaking.
I mailed an application and
called you several times last week.
It's that crank who calls
himself calling back.
You know, that boob who
wants to be a detective?
Shall I tell him
to get lost again?
Wait a minute. We
got nothing to lose.
Why don't we put him on this case,
have him follow this Munster character?
If he gets his head bashed in, at
least the union won't be on our necks.
Uh, look, uh, ,
we got a case for you.
A jealous woman wants
her husband followed.
We'll send you the details.
You take it from there.
Oh, golly. Oh, gee.
But don't send it to my house.
Uh, send it to my place of business.
Oh, and use my code name.
I don't want anyone
to know what I'm up to.
Good-bye.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
Oh, boy! [Laughing]
I'm a detective!
I'm a detective!
Now, Grandpa,
the agency sent me this description
of the man I'm supposed to follow.
Evidently he goes out late at
night without any explanation,
and his wife is suspicious.
This man is a philanderer.
Herman, this man is a bum!
That's what he is!
Be that as it may. According to
lesson of the correspondence course,
the first thing to do is make a
composite drawing of the suspect.
I suppose you
could do that. Fine.
Now, you read the description
while I make the drawing,
like the shrewd,
well-trained detective I am.
Good. [Groans]
What's the matter?
Somebody stole my crayon!
Will you calm down?
Here. Here's a pencil.
Oh, thank you, Grandpa.
What's the matter now?
There's no point on it.
Give me that.
[Grinding]
Thank you.
Now, you read the description of
the man I'm supposed to follow...
while I make the sketch.
Good.
Now, "Height: foot ."
My, he's a big one.
"Weight: heavyset.
"Hair: long on the sides,
very flat on top."
Long on sides, flat on top.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
"Ears: do not match."
"Ears do not match."
What are you looking
at now? Nothing.
"Lantern jaw."
"Lantern jaw."
"Piercing eyes."
"Piercing eyes."
"Classic nose." "Classic nose."
Lantern jaw, piercing
eyes, classic nose.
Ist das nicht ein classic nose?
Ja, das ist ein classic nose.
Flat on top, lantern
jaw, long on sides,
piercing eyes, classic nose.
Oh, du schöne, oh, du schöne,
oh, du schöne classic nose.
Herman, will you knock it off?
I'm sorry, Grandpa. I
guess I just got carried away.
After all, I was
made in Germany.
[Chuckling]
"Protruding brows."
"Protruding brows."
What are you looking at now?
Nothing.
"Jagged dimple on forehead."
"Jagged dimple on forehead."
Gotcha. Well, Grandpa?
Here's what the
poor boob looks like.
What's the matter?
Herman, I've got news for you.
This poor boob... is you!
Me? No.
No, i-i-it couldn't be me.
Grandpa, this man
is a philanderer.
If I were chasing women,
I'd be the first one to know it.
Wait a minute, Herman. I've
got the answer to the whole thing.
Look, it says here...
that the woman who
wants this man followed...
is Mrs. Lily Munster.
But why would Lily
want me followed?
Because you've been
going out at night.
She hired the detective agency
to find out what you've been up to.
Oh, I get it.
Then the man I'm supposed
to follow is Herman Munster.
Right.
Herman, may I ask
what you're doing?
Th-There must be a chapter
on how to follow yourself.
Herman, look, you can't
tell Lily you're a detective.
But I have a scheme.
Now, you go out tonight...
and stay out as late as usual.
Then, then as Agent ,
you file a very favorable
report on Herman Munster.
The agency gives
this report to Lily.
Lily is happy, you're happy,
and the agency is happy!
Marilyn, I want you to
sit over there on the sofa.
Grandpa, in your chair.
And Herman,
I want you to sit right
here so you'll be next to me.
Oh, why all the
formality, Aunt Lily?
It almost seems like
the reading of a will.
I'm afraid it's not that
happy an occasion.
- Then, uh, what is it, Lily?
- I've brought you all together...
because a certain
member of our family...
has indulged in many unexplained
absences in the evenings.
Now, rather than accuse
this person unjustly,
I have had this
woman chaser followed.
How do you like that, Grandpa?
My own wife, Lily,
has had me followed.
I can't believe it. Now, what kind
of creatures are we turning into?
Anyway, I got this report...
from the detective
agency this morning.
And I'm going to read it right
now... in front of all of you.
Go right ahead, Lily.
I'm ready for the worst.
"Report submitted by Agent
on Herman Munster.
" : , suspect left house.
" : , suspect patted
stray dog on head.
"Proceeded to Maple A venue.
Helped old lady across street.
" : , attended church.
" : , prevented man
from b*ating horse.
: , attended church."
Well, so far, it sounds like
an evening with Pat Boone.
" : , followed suspect to
Gaiety Burlesque Theater."
Oh, Uncle Herman!
" : , suspect crossed street to
avoid Gaiety Burlesque Theater.
: , suspect entered
Rudy's Bar and Grill."
Aha! " : , suspect
showed picture...
"of wife and child to Rudy.
Refused free beer."
I always carry that
picture. [Snorts]
" : , visited park.
Fed starving pigeons.
"Bought matches
from little match girl.
"Attended church. Came home.
"Found wife asleep.
"Kissed wife good night.
Went to bed."
Herman, I'm so sorry.
I-I never should
have blamed you...
for doing anything
wrong, pussycat.
I-I'll never mistrust
you again...
in all my lives.
There, there, Lily.
Uh, I forgive you, dear.
Uh, but I always want
you to remember this...
I want you to
remember one thing.
In the great vegetable
market of life,
I have never been one
to pinch the tomatoes.
- Herman!
- [Gasps]
You're not going
out again tonight.
You want to get in trouble
again? No, Grandpa.
It's just that I did such a
good job as Agent ,
the Kempner Agency called
me up and gave me another case.
I'm gonna be a bodyguard.
There's some poor unfortunate woman
whose husband has been threatening her.
And my orders are,
if he comes around,
not to get violent,
just scare him away.
[Laughing] You?
How could you scare anybody?
[Honks]
It's nice of you to help me with
my charity drive tonight, Marilyn.
With all these problems, I've been
neglecting my house-to-house calls.
Well, Bundles for
Transylvania is a worthy cause.
Why, back in the Old Country
they should get down on all fours...
and thank you for
what you've done.
Come on, dear. Let's go.
I, um, I-I just wanted to
thank you, Mr. Kempner,
for sending over a bodyguard
wearing such a frightening disguise.
Yes. Yes, I'm sure he'll scare my
husband away if he comes around.
[Gasps] Oh, and, um,
I want to apologize for fainting
when Agent showed up.
Yes. For a minute I thought
he really looked like that.
Yes. Well, thank you
again, Mr. Kempner.
Good-bye.
You're sure I can't get you
some coffee or something?
Oh, no, thank you.
I'm-I'm very comfy.
[Doorbell Rings]
Don't worry. I'll get it.
[Doorbell Rings]
[No Audible Dialogue]
Good evening.
I'm collecting for...
Herman! What are you doing here?
Oh, Lily.
W-Well, you see, I... [Woman] If
that's my husband, get rid of him.
Uncle Herman! Eh... Lily,
you may not believe this,
but I'm Secret Agent .
Herman, you may
not believe this,
but I'm Sonny Liston!
Come on, Marilyn.
And when the Kempner
Detective Agency...
gave me the job of being
bodyguard to Mrs. Andrews,
I was on my way to fame
and fortune as a detective.
Tsk. But tonight when you
knocked me out, they fired me.
There, there. I-I'm sorry, dear.
I had no idea you were trying so
hard to make good for Eddie and me.
Come on, Marilyn.
Let's go in the kitchen...
and fix sweetie a
glass of warm milk.
[Laughing] Boy, Herman,
you sure got yourself
into a mess this time.
Don't worry, Grandpa. I'll
never try to be a detective again.
Good.
But you know something, Grandpa,
I saw this ad in a magazine
at Mrs. Andrews's house...
for something
where I can't fail.
What ad? See?
I'm gonna study hairdressing
in my spare time...
and make a fortune with
my own beauty parlor.