Vroom, vroom!
You're on the line.
You rev the mill,
and you get the light from the timer.
You're off, burning rubber.
Vroom!
You watch the tach.
You shift the box.
Two. Vroom. Three. Vroom. Four. Vroom.
You cr*ck the eye,
and you dump your chute,
and it's a with an E.T.
[Imitating Engine Revving]
Lily. Oh, Lily.
[Rewing Continues]
Yes?
Lily, I wish you'd keep
the front door closed.
Some strange boy just got in here
and is speaking some foreign language.
Herman, th-that's our son, Eddie.
Yeah, Pop.
I'm just getting you into the mood
for the drag strip this Saturday.
- "Drag strip"?
- Sure.
Sandy Baylor's father is a drag racer.
I told him my pop
could b*at his dad anytime,
'cause you're the best
driver in the world.
Well, Eddie, it's wonderful
that you're proud of your father...
and that you stick up for him.
But, Herman, a drag racer?
[Laughing]
That's the funniest thing
I ever heard in all of my lives.
- Eddie.
- Yeah, Pop?
Ignoring this hysterical person...
A drag racer!
And her unseemly guffaws...
may I ask you a question?
Sure.
What time on Saturday
do I start burning rubber?
- You mean you'll do it, Pop?
- Eddie, I can answer that in two words.
Vroom!
Vroom!
[Engine Rewing]
Oh, dear!
What was that?
That is Herman
out in the garage with Eddie,
hopping up our car for the drag strip.
I don't know why Uncle Herman
wants to become mixed up in racing.
You know Herman.
He always has to be a hero to his son.
I didn't know he knew anything
about automobiles.
He's really full of surprises.
Full of surprises?
You should have seen his X-rays
after his last physical.
There are some things in there that
the doctors couldn't figure out at all.
Good morning, Grandpa.
Good morning.
Good morning.
Is it too late for a poor,
broken-down old man
to have some breakfast?
Not at all.
I kept yours hot for you.
Good.
?? [Humming]
There, now.
Is that warm enough for you?
It'll do.
Grandpa, aren't you going to help
Uncle Herman and Eddie fix the car?
No, I'm not gonna help Uncle Herman
and Eddie fix the car.
If anybody asks me
why I'm not gonna help,
I'll tell them why I'm not gonna help.
Why aren't you going to help?
I'm not going to help
because nobody asked me to help.
[Engine Rewing]
Listen to that racket.
I hate to see Herman
take a nice, normal family car...
and turn it into something
weird and ridiculous.
Okay, Eddie, I think we're ready
for another compression check.
Right, Pop.
You monitor the exhaust.
I'll activate the intake.
Ready?
Ready.
[Backfires]
[Revving]
[Laughs]
Fine. It'll sound even better
when we start the motor.
Now, for one last look
at the steering linkage.
Okay, Pop.
A-okay. I think we're ready
for a test run.
Boy, we'll really wipe
Sandy's father this Saturday.
Wipe him?
We'll clobber that Clyde.
I'm gonna practice
my speed shifting.
[Grinding]
First.
Second.
Third.
Fourth.
[Groans]
[Groaning]
Now, isn't that annoying?
You know, Pop, I think when you shift,
you ought to use the clutch.
Very well taken point.
[Squawks]
Watch it, dearie.
That smarts.
Well, here I am.
I'm all ready for the drag strip.
I'm all stoked-up
and ready to go.
Well, there he is... my son-in-law,
the -year-old teenage punk.
Herman.
Herman, l... I wish
you wouldn't do this.
Uh, I just can't, uh, fight it, chick.
I, uh, gotta get out there
and drag it with the gassers.
Otherwise, doll,
I might blow my cool.
Herman! Herman,
wh-what's come over you?
L-I just don't know you anymore.
What's happened to
your Daddy Warbucks's image?
Uh, listen, doll,
I haven't got the time right now.
Eddie's, uh,
waitin' outside in the car.
We're gonna turn and blast
Sandy's old man right off the blacktop.
All right, Herman.
Go out there
and b*at him if you have to,
but... but don't go over
the speed limit.
Well, aren't you gonna
wish me luck, Grandpa?
Drop dead.
Well, that's better than nothing.
Uh, uh, good-bye, doll.
Hey, Dad, look what just came in.
Oh, boy, that's the oldest-looking
teenager I ever saw.
That's Eddie and his dad.
Oh.
From the looks of his dad's face,
he's been in some very bad smashups.
Let that be a lesson to you, son.
No one should ever go out on the strip
without a roll bar. Come on.
Hi, Eddie.
Oh, hi, Sandy.
Hey, Pop, I want you to meet
Sandy Baylor and his father.
Oh. Hi, Sandy.
And how do you do,
Mr. Baylor?
Oh, sorry.
[Chuckles]
Uh, no charge for the grease job.
[Laughs]
Yeah, sure.
Say, uh, mind if I
ask you a question?
Certainly.
What is this?
Oh, this?
Oh, you, uh, noticed it.
This is just a little old
everyday family car...
with a, uh, -cubic-inch engine,
high-lift cam and two-barrels.
You could've fooled me.
I thought they brought back the Edsel.
Um, well, I'm all set.
Where are your set of wheels?
Right over there.
Um, excuse me, sir,
but what is that?
"What's that?"
That's a rail.
"A rail"? Oh, yes!
One of my wife's relatives was once
ridden out of town on one of those.
It wasn't quite that modern.
Boy, Eddie, is my pop
gonna b*at your pop.
He is not, 'cause my pop's
the best driver in the whole world.
Oh, is that so?
Well, Munster,
I was wondering if you'd like
to match your kid's enthusiasm...
with a little side bet.
Bet? Oh, well, uh, I think so.
I have four or five dollars on me.
Would you care to sh**t the wad?
I'll tell you what...
just to make it an interesting bet,
why don't we bet your car
against mine?
Go ahead, Pop. We'll wipe him.
You're the greatest.
Oh, well, you see, I don't think so.
[Stammering]
See, this is our only car,
and if I lost it, my wife would...
Gee, Pop, I think he's chicken.
All right, Baylor.
You got yourself a bet.
Good. My car against yours.
What's the matter?
You're not afraid
of losing your car, hotshot?
Me? Of course not.
Did it again.
Hmm! Listen to this.
It says, "In the next three-game series,
the Yankees will be out for blood."
I tell you, that's a lot more fun
than playing baseball.
Lily! Lily, look here!
"Leadfoot Baylor
Favored to Sweep Drags."
Why, Lily,
that's Sandy Baylor's father.
The fellow Herman's gonna race today
is a professional driver.
Oh! Oh, dear.
When Herman finds that out,
I hope he has the sense
to call the whole thing off.
"Sense"? Any grown man who still expects
quarters from the tooth fairy...
ain't exactly an Einstein.
After all,
if the man beats Uncle Herman,
all he'll lose is his pride.
[People Gasping]
Now, give her the g*n
when you get the green flag.
Don't worry, Eddie.
I'll just keep my eye
on the rearview mirror.
That's where he'll be all the time.
[Laughing]
Good luck.
Wh-What did you say, Eddie?
I said, "Good luck."
Herman Munster, of all things!
You and Eddie having
to come home on a bus.
Losing our car.
Uncle Herman, this is just terrible.
Didn't you know that that man
was a professional race driver?
No, I didn't know that.
I thought he was just
another goof like I was.
Herman, this is
the worst thing you've done...
since you bought us
that mausoleum at the cemetery,
and we couldn't move in because
there were no kitchen privileges.
How did I know it was
a restrictive community,
and they wouldn't take live people?
This is a nice mess you've got us into.
What are we gonna do without a car?
Well? Do you know, Herman?
No, I'm afraid not, Lily.
Do you know, Marilyn?
No, I don't know.
Do you, Grandpa?
Ooh!
Ooh!
Well, Grandpa, why don't you
give me the cold shoulder...
like the rest of my loyal family?
'Cause I happen to have the solution
to this whole dilemma.
You aren't gonna try to talk me into
sh**ting myself again, are you?
No. I'm gonna build us a car...
that I'm gonna take to the drag races
next Saturday...
and that I personally will win back
our car from this Leadfoot Baylor...
by b*ating him at his own game.
Mm!
[Laughing]
You're gonna build a car
and race it at the drags?
Yeah.
That's the most ridiculous, preposterous
idea I've heard in the last years.
It's childish, idiotic
and utterly fantastic.
When can you start on it?
First thing in the morning.
Good.
[Engine Rewing]
Oh, there's Uncle Herman
and Grandpa again.
[Pounding]
They've been pounding out in that garage
every day for a week.
Don't you have any idea
what they're up to?
No, I don't,
and I really don't care.
I told Herman I wasn't
speaking to him until
he gets our family car back.
Well...
[Car Backfires]
But according to Eddie,
they're building some kind
of a car out there.
[Rewing Continues]
[Sighs]
I don't know what they're up to.
They've asked Eddie for his bicycle.
They took the pipes out of the organ
in the living room.
And Herman came back from the parlor
with an empty box.
Now, you can't tell me that anyone
can build an automobile
out of junk like that.
[Car Backfires]
Just a minute, now.
Okay, you can
bring her out now, Grandpa.
[Laughing]
[Eddie]
Wow, what a rail.!
I bet this Dragula
can wipe anything on the strip.
[Laughs]
I ask you... is this an automobile,
or is this an automobile?
I really got to hand it to you, Grandpa.
This is quite an attractive vehicle.
Detroit could take a lesson
from this design.
And those organ pipes
are a very nice exhaust.
"Nice"? I'll have you know, Herman, that
this is the only dragster in America...
that can play "Oh, Promise Me"
in second gear.
Boy, I'm gonna go call Sandy's father...
and tell him we'll really b*at him
at the drags tomorrow.
Oh, goody, goody!
Uh, tell him we'll smear him.
D... Wait a minute, Eddie.
Hold it, Herman.
Herman, come here.
Now.
One of the first rules in racing
is never tip your hand.
What you do is, you show up
the day of the races,
get your rival to commit himself
on the bet,
then you unveil the winning car.
Is that good, clean sportsmanship?
Of course it is.
As Sonny Liston says,
"It's not playing the game...
It's winning that counts."
"Born, . d*ed, question mark."
I must say, Grandpa,
that's a very novel grill.
[Laughs]
What do you mean, "novel grill"?
That's not a grill.
That's my license plate
from the Old Country.
Isn't this a neat place, Mom?
Look at that guy go.
I must admit...
it's rather a fun place.
You know, Eddie,
I used to be a great racing fan
back in Transylvania.
Oh, I had such gay times
going to the wolf track
and betting on our relatives.
Grandpa, have you seen anything
of our sporting rival, Mr. Baylor?
Hmm! "Sporting rival."
[Laughs]
Here comes that rat fink now.
Oh.
Well, Munster, back for
another losing day at the drags?
Oh, no, sir.
Not today.
Uh, today, my decrepit,
broken-down, old father-in-law...
is gonna blast your heap.
[Chuckling]
I got news for you, Munster.
I've been working on this t*nk of yours
all week,
and I got it up to where it
will wipe out anything on wheels.
I see. Uh, care to make
a little wager on that?
What did you have in mind?
Same thing as last time.
Your car against ours.
Well, I don't know what you got
under that canvas, but... the bet's on.
Good.
Uh, allow me to introduce you
to our new set of wheels.
Well, you still wanna tangle
with us, buster?
Yeah, sure. I mean, uh,
I think so.
[Chuckles]
I never saw a rail like that before.
Just as I thought.
If you were any more chicken,
Clyde, you'd be cackling.
[Laughing]
That's enough, Herman. Well?
All right. You got yourself a bet.
I'll see you over at the start line.
Good. Come on, Herman.
Hey, Leadfoot,
they got a real b*mb here.
What if old pop takes us?
Well, supposing he does?
It's gonna be real difficult for him
to collect on his bet from
the fracture ward, ain't it?
What do you mean by that?
Look.
This parachute is the only way they can
stop this thing after the race is over.
If we kind of... borrow it,
wham, he hits the wall!
Get it out of here.
[Marilyn]
Oh, there's a seat, Aunt Lily.
Excuse me, sir.
Would you mind
moving over one?
[Screaming]
[Woman Screams]
Oh! Wasn't that nice of him
to give up his seat for me?
Look, there's Grandpa
at the starting line.
Oh!
Oh, my, he...
he's racing against our car.
I hope he wins
and gets it back.
It's always been just like
one of the family.
Hey, Leadfoot,
the old boob hasn't even noticed
his chute is missing.
Man, when he crosses the finish line,
he won't stop till he hits Mississippi.
[Laughs]
That's his tough luck.
Uh, just hold it a minute, Grandpa.
Herman, at a time like this
you're taking pictures?
I just couldn't help it.
You look so natural
sitting in that box.
Grandpa, you forgot your... parachute.
Come on, Grandpa!
Oh! Oh, I'm so nervous.
Eddie, stop biting your nails.
[Laughing]
Oh, he won!
He won!
He won! He won!
- [Laughing]
- Now, for the parachute.
[Tires Screeching]
[Dragula Approaching]
[Tires Continue Screeching]
Herman, son-in-law, baby,
you saved my life.
Of course, Grandpa.
What else could I do?
I have to have
this box back in the parlor
first thing Monday morning.
It was very naughty of you, Herman,
to lose our car at the drag races.
Thanks to Grandpa,
we have it back now.
Lily, please,
let's not bring up the past.
For once in this family,
let's let the dead stay buried.
Good idea.
I just hope our car wasn't hurt
in all those races.
Yes. And it's a beautiful car.
Have you ever noticed the way
everybody turns and stares at us
when we drive by?
Lily, there's no harm done.
A little racing is good for a car.
It only serves to loosen up
the engine.
Let's go, Pop.
We wanna get to the cemetery
before all the good spots are taken.
Right, Eddie.