01x17 - Independence Day

[bunniefuu]

Ahh.

Throat looks good.

Pupils are dilating normally.

(Clicks) Do you want to sit up?

Any fever?

- She's cool to the touch.
- No.

Although I couldn't get her to
submit to a core reading. (Chuckles)

Uh, appetite?

Diminished.
Greatly diminished.

How's the mood?
Good?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.
(Chuckles)

She's moody,
but then she always has been.

Regular bowel movements,
from what I can hear,

but a mother's instinct,
Dr. Roger.

Something's different.
She's off.

Mrs. shay,
may I ask you to step

into the waiting room
for a moment?

Why didn't you tell me?

Because it's none
of your business.

Being in love is nothing
to be ashamed of.

Unless he's a drifter.

Are you in love with a drifter?

No.

It's not Arthur Fonzarelli,
is it? Because he's fictional.

(Sighs) Look, Lisa, I get it.

You're a tweenager,

and tweenagers don't like
talking to their parents.

I'm not a tweenager.

I'm practically old enough
to vote.

(Brakes squeal)

Now you listen to me,
Lisa Marie.

For years, I have sat here
while you prattled on

about your social life,
when nothing

even remotely interesting
was going on!

Well, now that things
are getting real,

I want details.

I want the dish.

Bring it on, sistah.

She broke your bed?

Buddy, Jill was doing things
to me last night

that would have broken
a K.G.B. Agent.

She's got me open, buddy,
wide open.

My theory is that
she had been so repressed,

so frigid
for so many years that

her sexual energy pent up
inside of her like a Tsunami,

and once I figured out how
to unleash her waves,

they have been crashing down
on me every night, buddy!

Every night I have been
surf in' my lady's brine.

Okay, I'm just gonna take
this to go.

Oh, hell, I'll eat it.

Thank you. I'm ravenous
from all the intercourse.

(Crunches, mouth full)
I can't get enough sustenance

to fuel the intercourse.

Mm. (Sighs) Dallas!

Oh! George, you startled me.
I was mid-tweet.

"#mid-tweet"... and send.
I'm all yours.

Well, I-I haven't seen you
around recently.

- Everything good?
- So, so good!

If you read my last tweet, then you
wouldn't have to ask. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)
Well, I'd rather ask.

When I don't see you,
I worry about you, Dallas.

(Slurping)
I mean, I think about you,

and I know this must be
kind of a rough time.

Rough time?

You know, with the divorce.

I heard it was finalized.

Why, yes, it was.

I got the papers this morning,
and I had 'em laminated.

My divorce is so final,
you could eat off it,

which I did,
and it tasted good.

Glad to hear you're eating well

and keeping yourself...

Real, real busy.

I've been filling
every second of every day

with lots of real fun,
super fun, real fun stuff.

(Chuckles) Okay.

And then, come midnight,

I stone-cold medicate myself,
and I sleep like a rock.

Oh. Well, okay.

It sounds like you have
a system, I guess,

but, you know,
things do have a way

of catching up with you.

I know, which is why I have dalia
in therapy five days a week.

Well, gotta run.

I have a pap smear,
and then I'm taking Yakult

to get blinged-out grillz
like Nelly.

(alih Jay) ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪

(Balls clatter)

- Who's there?
- Lisa shay.

Come in.

(Toilet flushes)

Hey.

Hey.

Tessa, let me just cut
to the chase.

The story is about to break,

and I want you to hear it
from me first.

I have taken Malik...

As a lover.

I knew that.

Did my mother tell you?
I knew I couldn't trust her.

What? No. Lisa...
(Chuckles) I could tell.

I saw you two the other day
at the water fountain.

(Woman) ♪ yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Where did you learn how to drink
from a fountain, girl?

Pretty obvious.

I just... I want you to know

that although he and I will
most likely be exploring

parts of each other's bodies
that are difficult to clean,

my relationship with you
will remain stet.

- "Stet"?
- Unchanged.

I won't abandon you, Tessa.

I didn't think you would.

'Cause I'm not the kind of girl

that ditches her G.F.
The minute she gets a B.F.,

you know, 'cause me and you...
We're for real.

We're like
Thelma and that other ho.

Lisa, relax.

I'm happy for you and Malik,

and the thought
that you might ditch me,

honestly,
never even crossed my mind.

(Clicks tongue)
I'd take a b*llet for you.

Thanks.

(Tessa)
I was happy for Lisa and Malik.

Really, I was,
but if I recalled correctly,

Thelma and Louise's
relationship

ended on kind of a down note.

How about "Lisik"?

Mm... it's okay.

I don't think
it beats "Malisa."

Tessa, what do you think?

I think you two should maintain
your individual identities

and not feel compelled to fuse
into one person

just because you're dating.

Tessa, every couple has
a couple name.

I wasn't going to argue
with her.

Everything would be fine
as long

as she didn't ask Malik to...
Oh, Malik.

You've gotta taste my vanilla.

(Woman) ♪ yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(Tessa) Yeah.

(Woman) ♪ yeah ♪

Now I want you to taste mine.

Taste it.
♪ yeah ♪

(Whispers) Taste it all.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

I should probably just go.

Well, I said it was for a dog
when I booked the appointment.

Whose fault is that? (Laughs)
That's not my fault.

Well, I...
No, you can't cancel on me now,

'cause I've cleared my whole evening.
Bye, mommy.

(Telephone beeps) Carmen's
taking me to therapy.

Oh. Hey!

Wait. Carmen, what are you up
to afterwards? (Door opens)

I go to see my Uncle.

Oh, super fun!
Mind if I come with?

He's in hospice.

(Dalia) Carmen!
See you later, mommy.

Okay then. Okay.
(Door closes)

I'll see you later,
dalia and Carmen.

I'll see you both later then.

Thanks so much for having me
over for breakfast.

Oh. (Chuckles) I think
he has an Obama quality.

I see a young Obama...
Meets Denzel... (Chuckles)

Meets Sammy Davis Jr...

You're just naming
black people.

Meets Montell Jordan.
(Chuckles)

I actually get that a lot.

(Laughs)
You're jiving me. Really?

Mom.
(Cell phone alert chimes)

Tessa. She wants to know
what's up for the weekend.

- Well, tell her you're hanging out with me.
- I'm afraid that

if I do that, she'll spend
the whole weekend hiding out

in the handicapped stall
of the girls' room.

- Mm.
- We need to find someone

to hook Tessa up with,

so she doesn't feel like
a third wheel.

Would you like
to sleep over tonight?

I-I don't think
my mom would allow that.

Of course not. (Chuckles)

I just don't want him
to lose interest. (Chuckles)

I won't.

What about Evan?

We already know that he likes Tessa,

and he won't have any conflicting plans
because he's friendless.

It's a win-win.

Okay, you lovebirds.
Time for school.

Hip-hop or you're gonna
be late. (Laughing)

(Chuckles)

(Laughs)
You two have a great day.

Ham and cheese, brother.
If you keep dating Lisa,

plenty more
where that came from.

Why is she coming
bed shopping with us?

Why am I coming
bed shopping with you?

Because I want your opinion.

Well, I want Dallas to think
we want her opinion.

I'm worried about her.

She seemed a little manic
the last time I talked to her.

Hi, y'all!
Oh.

(Chuckles) Hey.
Hey.

Ohh.
I hope I'm dressed okay.

Since I didn't know what
we were doing,

I brought a raincoat,
a walking coat, a car coat,

and a cape,
in case we see opera.

We probably won't see opera.

Yeah, probably no opera.

We're going shopping for a bed.

Oh! Super fun.

Hey, can your car find us...

(Clicks)

A European mattress store?

(Electronic bloop) Prius!

Mattress store!

(Bloop)

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, what about that place

on post road?
(Bloop)

Let's do it.

Evan.

Look, if you're here
to pants me,

don't waste your time.
I'm wearing a belt

made of staples
that go into my skin.

I'm not here to pants you.

I'm here to talk to you
about Tessa.

What about Tessa?
Look, I know you like her,

and I want to help you
so that she likes you back.

(Laughs and snorts)
Are you the great Houdini?

Because if not, Malik,

I seriously doubt
that she would...

Look, Evan, I'm black,

and black people know a lot
about romance.

Is that true?
(Slow R&B music playing)

Al green, Al B. Sure!

Huh?

Jodeci, oran "juice" Jones,
Teddy Riley,

Teddy Pendergrass, Marvin gaye?

Yeah, but wasn't he...
No.

(Music warps and stops)
Evan, he wasn't.

Okay. Maybe black people
are smoove.

So what do I have
to do to make Tessa like me?

(Sighs) A lot of things, Evan,
and none of those things include

wearing a belt made of staples
that go into your skin.

It's like she expects people
to feel sorry for her,

but, like, I don't feel
sorry for her.

What do you feel?

Angerment.
Bitterness. Resent.

You blame her for the divorce.

I do.

I totally do.

You know, until you put
those words into my mouth,

I didn't even realize
I felt them.

Dalia, I think it's important
that you confront her

with these feelings.

(Clatters)

Now if it's okay with you,

I'd like to bring her in.

(Door creaks)

(Barks and growls)

You have a lot of nerve
showing your face here!

(Barks) Yakult!

This session is not about you.
It's about dalia.

Now you sit...

(Deep voice) And you listen.

(Whines)

(Indistinct conversations)

(Lowered voice) I don't want
to see no panties tonight.

What?
(Normal voice)-What?

(Deep voice) Take off
that brassiere, my dear.

Evan, did you just tell me
to take off my brassiere?

What? N-no!

Wait. Did you want me
to tell you to do that?

(Creaks and clangs) Wait!
But, girl, I be tryin' to get witchu!

Evan, gross.
You just spit in my ear.

Really, you guys? You're trying
to unload me on Evan?

Tessa, we just didn't want you
to feel like a third wheel.

I didn't!

Uh, no, but the other day
at the yogurt shop...

You were being gross.

And we're gonna continue
to be gross, really gross.

We just don't want this
to affect our friendship.

This affects
our friendship, okay?

If I wanted a man,
I could have one.

I could have more than one.

Hey, I'm open to that,
you little freak.

I don't need you trying
to pawn me off on some perv.

(Chuckles) That's the furthest

I ever went with a girl,
you guys.

(Grunting) Oh, yeah!

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

That seems... good.

It's also comfortable
for sleeping.

(Chuckles) Yeah, I'm not gonna
be doing a whole lot

of sleeping on this baby.
Am I right?

It's the Rolls-Royce
of mattresses, sir.

Uh, the... it's the last one
we have in stock.

Hand-tailored
Icelandic eiderdown,

cashmere-encased coils,

hypoallergenic
horsehair batting.

The boning, of course,
is unbleached pine.

(Laughing) "The boning."

I like the sound of that.
(Chuckles)

You seem very comfortable
in it, sir,

a-and I can assure you,

there is not
a finer mattress to be had.

I'll take it.
Excellent.

(Laughs) All right.
(Laughs) All right.

Ohh.

I know what you're thinking,
and I totally agree.

It is obscene...
(Lowered voice) To spend

that amount of money
on a mattress.

"The honeymoon never has to end

with the eternal honeymoon
sleep system."

Dallas, are you okay?

(Voice breaking)
Maybe Steven and I just had

the wrong mattress.

Oh, honey.
No. It wasn't that.

Ohh. (Sobbing)

Ohh.
(Footsteps approach)

Hi. Should I put down
a waterproof pad?

Because I am just about
to run your friend's card.

I really don't think
that's necessary.

(Dallas wailing)

Okay. You know what?
Get the pad.

(Crying)

End of a long school week,
and you know what?

I was glad to have the night
to myself.

I was no third wheel.
I was a unicycle.

You are a unicycle.

You're a unicycle.

I'd start with a light dinner,

watch a thought-provoking
documentary...

Move...
(Crowd yelling on TV)

That...

Bus!

Oh, my gosh!

(Sobs)

(Tessa) Reconnect
with some old friends...

Cool and cute.

And help myself
to a little bedtime snack.

(Knock on door)

(Splat)

Ryan?

What are you doing
out there, watching me?

Yes.

Why?

Tessa, look at you.

You fell off.

You're wearing pajamas
that are covered in food.

These are fresh out
of the wash.

Look at all that butter.

Who would eat that much butter?

I can't...

Answer that question.

When I overheard my sister
and Malik talking about

trying to fix you up
with someone, I thought,

Tessa Altman made out
with Ryan shay.

She could have anyone,

but after watching you
from the bushes tonight,

I'm not so sure.

Ryan, wait.

I'm just...

Not myself right now,

and, yes, maybe I am
leaning on butter

a little more
than I normally would,

but... (Sighs)

I'm a recovering tricycle,

trying to get by on one wheel.

Been there.

So you wanna get something
to eat?

Your pajamas are making me
hungry. (Sighs)

So we close soon.

George, get her off my bed.
She's funkin' it up.

What do you want me to do?
Fix it!

You're the one who brought her with us.
(Cell phone rings)

Uh...
(Ring)

Oh, look. It's dalia.

(Ring) Dallas, it's
your daughter dalia.

(Ring, beep) No?

Hello?

Hey, dalia.

Okay. Okay. You're... you're
ready to be picked up?

Okay, great.
We're just running

a few minutes late,
so sit tight.

Dallas, dalia's ready
to be picked up.

Are you gonna go get her?

I have a dinner engagement.
Okay.

Noah, take my car keys.
(Keys jangling)

Go pick up dalia
from her shrink.

k*ll some time
before you bring her home.

I will figure out a way to get
Dallas out of this bed.

That's a promise, okay?

If Jill smells sorrow
on this mattress...

We have a no-return policy.

Then you're buying it off
of me.

(Keys jangling)

Lock up when you leave.
If anything goes missing,

it's going
on your friend's card.

Uh, okay. Thank you
for your understanding.

Hey, okay, big sale today,
though, right?

Right.

(Sighs) (Door closes)

Why didn't mommy come
get me herself?

Mommy...

Mommy is having a hard time
right now.

She's going through
some things.

Oh, please.
What's her problem?

She didn't want to live
with daddy any more,

but I did.

I guess that's true, isn't it?

(Barks)

Here, yakult. You can have
half of my spring roll.

(Barks)

Oh, my God. Did you see that, Uncle Noah?
(Yakult growls)

She almost bit me!

She almost bit me because I said
something bad about mommy.

The two of them are
total cohorts, if that's a word.

(Growls) Oh, and now look.

She's eating
the whole spring roll,

when I only said
she could have half.

Here. You can have mine.

(Voice breaking)
This is why I wanted my own pet.

This is why I asked mommy
to please get me

"the hangover" monkey,

like from
that movie "the hangover."

I mean, she has yakult
on her side,

and I have no one.

I'm all alone.

Hey, have you seen
that movie "kangaroo Jack"?

(Sniffles) No. Is it good?

I laid around a lot.

I watched a lot
of "people's court,"

a court in which justice
was almost never served,

but then I realized,

when you're a single parent,

being depressed is a luxury
you just can't afford.

You have to get up
and take care of your kid,

'cause no one else
is gonna do it for you.

I have Carmen.

Yes, you have Carmen
to cook and to clean

and to drive dalia
the places she needs to go,

but Carmen can't inspire dalia.

She can't teach her
what it means

to get up when you feel down.

Carmen isn't dalia's mother.

You are,

and that right there is
reason enough to climb off

this outrageously
comfortable mattress,

this mattress that
is clearly from heaven.

(Inhales deeply and sighs)

(Voice breaks)
George, am I okay?

Of course you're okay.

I've never been...

Depressed. (Chuckles)

It's standard issue.

Comes free with the divorce.

I don't even know what
a depressed person dresses like.

(Chuckles)

Separates?

I'm probably gonna need
a whole new depression wardrobe.

(Gasps)

I'll probably need
a whole new wardrobe.

(Woman) ♪ yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And I just can't get enough ♪

Damn, girl.

Where did you learn how
to eat fondue?

♪ Yeah ♪

(Laughter,
indistinct conversations)

Uh, let's just go
somewhere else.

Why? I thought you sid

you wanted a bowl
of wet, hot cheese.

I don't remember saying I w...

Okay, it was me.
I want a bowl

of wet, hot cheese,
and this place has it.

Plus wait till you see
how long their forks are.

Okay.
Yeah!

Well, let's just get in there
before they see us.

Are you sure you're okay
with this?

'Cause I know
they don't serve any

of the food that was listed
on your pajamas.

Yeah. (Chuckles) Yeah.

I don't only eat... food
that's on my pajamas.

Okay. Whew.
'Cause I feel like

I may have oversold
the forks a little.

No, they're big.

(Sighs) Yeah.
(Whispers) Aah.

(Laughs)

Oh, my God, Malik.
Aah!

Ow! Damn, girl!

Where did you learn how to feed someone fondue?
Do you see this?

My heart is breaking.
Tessa's bottomed out.

I'm bleeding.
You stabbed me in the gums.

Tessa, wait. Don't run.

I'm not running.
I'm seated.

I can't even imagine
how lost you must feel

to resort to Ryan. I...

Lisa, I'm fine.
You have to stop pitying me.

For a minute there,
you had me pitying myself.

It's true.
I caught her eating butter.

Now that I think about it,
it's kinda messed up

that I brought you out
for cheese.

You're gonna have
wicked gas tonight.

Probably.

Listen, Lisa, you don't
have to feel guilty

about doing things without me.

I'm a big girl, okay,
so go finish your fondue,

and we'll talk tomorrow.

Okay. Well, you heard that.

She's fine,
so you can head on home.

Actually...

We're kinda having a nice time.

Really?
Really?

Yeah.

I didn't even own
one pair of shoes

when I walked barefoot
into this country.

- Ew.
- Within a year,

I taught myself
to speak English...

Carmen, honey, put a pin in it.

Dalia's mama's here
to inspire her.

To speak English by listening

to NPR 's
"all things considered."

(Sighs) Dalia, I know
you're mad at me.

I'm mad at me, too,
and I'm mad at Steven,

and I'm mad at Carmen.

- You're mad at me?
- It isn't always rational.

Now I know it's hard for you

to understand the choices
I've made,

but I'm trying to show you
that if you're unhappy in life,

it's your responsibility
to fix it.

No one else is gonna
fix it for you.

I know, and that's why
I made Uncle Noah buy me

a "kangaroo Jack."

Dalia! I'm pretty sure
I was clear about no movie pets.

That said,
he is a cute Carmel color.

That I was not expecting.

And he makes me
really happy, mommy.

He does, and I can keep
my cell phone in his pocket.

Then, Carmen, we have
a new member of the family.

Thank you so much, mommy.

He is way cooler
than "the hangover" monkey.

(Crash, glass shatters)

(Carmen) Aah!

So... this was fun.

Thank you for getting me
out of the house tonight.

My mom says when you want
to thank someone,

you should send
a thank-you card,

but... I don't want
a thank-you card.

I want you to let me touch
your boob instead.

My boob?

Either boob,

just so I can say
I did, mostly.

(Brandi Carlile's
"have you ever" playing)

You have three seconds.

Go for it.

♪

♪ If you've ever wandered
lonely through the woods ♪

♪ Ah-ah-oh-oh-ah-oh ♪

(Clears throat)

So what's your address?

♪ Ah-ah-ah-oh-oh ♪

You don't have to send
a thank-you card.

bye.

(Door opens) ♪ if you'd ever been
out walking you would know ♪

(Door closes)