02x18 - Brown Trembler

[bunniefuu]

(Tessa) They say he who
is content with the least

is the richest of all.

If that's true, then Opus

and the newly divorced Noah Werner

were completely destitute.

But living large came at a price...

A price steeper than the $50 oatmeal...

(Laughs)

Hey, you want a duck?

Steeper than the bath Butler...

Yes.

Steeper than the premium tuck-in service.

- A price that, from under the drape...
- Mm.

Of the custom blackout drapes,

he never saw coming.

(Feet marching)

(Exhales)

Whoa.

He...hello... ladies.

To what do I owe this... home invasion?

Seriously, I haven't seen
the Chatswin mom militia

out in force for quite some time.

We're here about Opus. Opus Werner.

Ah.

Spot of tea, George?

I'm good.

Then I'll cut to the chase.

Noah has Opus living like a pagan...

in a hotel.

So?

Are you deliberately being
obtuse right now, George?

Children should be raised in
a respectable 3-bedroom home.

With a picket fence.

And window boxes.

Where Noah is living
is none of our business.

And by ours, I mean yours.

So maybe...

stand down?

Stand down? (Scoffs)

I see.

Did former Secretary of
State Hillary Rodham Clinton

stand down when she penned her 1996

"New York Times" bestseller?

I'm... gonna guess "no"?

It takes a village, George,
and we're the village people.

Noah is going through a divorce.

You have to give him time
to... iron out the details.

Having raised a child as a single dad,

I assure you, it can be done.

Well, bravo to all you single parents.

What an idiot I am.

I struggled to keep my marriage intact,

gave up any theoretical,
exciting career plans,

and stayed home to cook
meals for my children.

But apparently, I could
have been raising them

on room service.

You know what? I...I
appreciate your concern,

and I'm sure Noah does, too. But...

This is more than concern.

If you won't do something,
the village people will.

(Alih Jey) * last night I
had a pleasant nightmare *

♪ da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da ♪

I'll admit living in
a tight-knit community

could be oppressive at times,

but that was what made Chatswin
such a safe place to live.

Aah!

Now be a good girl and let me in,

or so help me, I will break the glass.

(Exhales) Okay.

(Latch clicks)

Mr. Shay, what is wrong with you?

Well, that's what I need you to tell me.

It all started this morning
when I was leaving for work.

Have a great day.

No, you have a great day, Fred.

You have a great, great day.

(Chuckles)

Let go of my lunch.

What's in here? I want it!

Oh, yeah?

Well, there's something I want.

I don't know if I wanna hear this story.

Oh, are you worried there's gonna be sex?

Don't be. There's never any
sex in any of my stories.

There's an opening, Fred,
a really juicy opening.

I want you to move on it

and slide in there
before someone else does.

This is it, Fred.

This is your chance to
get back on the sales team

where you belong.

Oh, but, Sheila, sales is so cutthroat,

competitive.

As a junior secretary,
I know where I stand.

My blood pressure's down.

I even have my own catchphrase...

"Anybody need anything?"

That's not a catchphrase.
That's the sound a man makes

when he's bringing home
half the salary he used to.

Now you take this Waldorf salad sandwich

and you go get that job!

Go get it! Go get 'em!

Go get 'em!

Okay.

Seriously, go get it.

- Go. Go get it.
- Oh. Sorry. Right.

Okay. Well, then what are you doing here?

It sounds like you should
be out getting that job.

Well, I want to.

But the new sales manager, Todd,

thinks anyone over 30 is a dinosaur.

Now I know what you're thinking...

dinosaurs are awesome. Agreed.

But apparently, in Todd's world, not so.

Please, Tessa. He's young
and he's from Manhattan.

Teach me your urban ways.

(Huffs) I don't really have any "ways."

Well, then, at least tell me
what I need to feel current.

Uh...

Oh... do... do I need one of these?

If your phone is dying.

Okay, well, let's just assume that it is.

Uh, Mr. shay, instead of demonstrating

your phone-charging capabilities,

have you considered emphasizing
your vast sales experience?

(Chuckles) Sales experience?

(Sighs)

Judy Walker was the most
experienced sales rep we had.

She got fired because she
didn't know who Katie Holmes was.

And God save my wretched
soul, Tessa, neither do I.

Please. You have to help me.

Well, I... do know who Katie Holmes is.

I knew it! Thank you, lord.

Meanwhile, Dallas was about to take on

a new project of her own.

Dalia's appetite for material things

was becoming a nightmare.

(Gasps)

(Horror theme playing)

What in blue blazers is going on in here?

(Hinges creak) (Gasps)

What's the problem, mommy?

Dalia, this closet is bursting at the seams

like a Christina Aguilera dress,

which is not a comment on her weight,

but rather on the tightness of her attire.

I know. She really crams it in there.

Just like me with my closet.

I need a bigger one.

We have enlarged the closets
in your room four times already,

and they were generous to begin with.

Enough is enough.

It's just my stuff, mommy.

Dalia, this closet is an embarrassment.

And you're gonna spend the
rest of the day organizing it,

do you hear me? Now if
you need storage space,

you can always put some
things under your...

(Gasps) (Laughter)

Dalia Oprah...

you're a hoarder.

Get out of my room.

What's in the trunk?

Don't. Mommy, no.

Aah! Aah!

Look at all these purses!

Who in their right mind
needs this many purses?

(Demonic voice) I do.

(Gasps) Look here, Dalia!

There is a very thin line

between you and those cray-cray people

who live in homes full of newspaper.

And just 'cause these items are expensive

doesn't change the fact
that you're hoarding them.

And hoarding is greedy and
ungracious. You hear me?

It's time to make some tough decisions.

You need to get rid of all
the stuff that you don't need,

or I'll do it for you.

Well, I just stopped by to, you know,

see how everybody's doing.

Never better, George. (Bottle cap fizzes)

Never better. (Nipple squeaks)

This place is not only
meeting our needs... (Cooing)

it is anticipating our wants...

around-the-clock room service,

in-room massage,

twice-a-day maid service,

and the best part about it,

I'm putting it all on my platinum card.

Miles, George.

Great. Great.

(Opus coos) But, uh, what...
what's the long-term plan?

I mean, you can't... you
can't live in a hotel forever.

Or can I?

Howard Hughes did so quite nicely,

as did James Woods.

Khloe and Lamar.

Right, but they weren't
raising small children.

Right. Well...

God's honest, I'm... not
entirely liquid at the moment.

I'm having some cash flow issues.

(Chuckles) Mommy and her divorce lawyer

- haven't missed a trick.
- (Knock on door)

(Cooing)

Where are my nuggets?

I'm sorry, Mr. Werner, but
it has come to my attention

that you've been conducting yourself

in a manner that makes it impossible

for you to continue to
stay at our facility.

Whoa. What's he talking about?

- I have no idea.
- Don't you?

He's been romancing more than
one member of our service staff.

You've been having sex with housekeeping?

- Absolutely not!
- I did not say those words.

I said he was "romancing" them...

- Which he has been.
- Come on!

I'm not allowed to tell Rosa...

That I love her?

No, sir. No, you are not,

particularly if you're going to
say the same thing to Marilyn.

But I do love Marilyn.

I love them both.

And I love Dottie for bringing
me fresh pineapple by the pool.

And I love Cynthia. Oh, my God, I love her.

She makes my dinner
reservation every night at 7:00.

The service floor is in chaos, sir.

Fighting. Hair-pulling.

Tears.

I'm afraid I'm going to
have to invite you to leave.

Wait a minute.

Okay, you're kicking me out
for loving the service here?

Precisely right.

I've taken the liberty
of preparing your bill.

Whoa!

Yeah. But as I said, I get the miles.

Still, that is really a lot.

George, could you tip the man, please?

Listen, I love a good V.V.
as much as the next juicer.

Don't say "juicer."

I love a good V. V...

Wait. What's a V.V. again?

Viral video, right? I
thought you taught me that.

No. I've never heard that phrase.

But it's fine. Continue.

(Crunching) Okay. Um, right.

I love a good V.V. as
much as the next web head,

but that jam was fin

as soon as it left Gangnam. Opp?

Opp?

It's from the song. I think it's Korean.

Anyway... opp?

Then I whip out my
charger, charge my phone,

and I close with,

Chatswin is so ghetto.

Uh... honestly,

I don't think we're quite there.

How much time do we have?

None. I've got 15
minutes to wheely to work.

All right. Um, maybe just lose the wheelys,

and change "ghetto" to "midtown."

And get a little
bacitracin for that earlobe.

All right. Thanks.

- Mommy.
- (Gasps)

What are you doing with my lambo?

Dalia, step off. I told you point-blank

if you didn't fill those
boxes I left in your room,

I'd fill 'em for you.

Now I'm just getting
rid of the kid stuff...

things you haven't touched in years.

You haven't been touched in years.

Dalia, you're lashing out.

That's my first lambo, mommy.

It only has 10,000 miles on it.

You can't give it away.

And I bet you'd say the same
thing about your play mansion...

- I would.
- And those two toddler-size helicopters

- parked on the roof.
- Mm-hmm.

But those items would make
very charitable donations.

I don't see you giving
any of your stuff away.

Not so. Look at those
boxes by the front door.

I'm gettin' rid of all
my adult dress-up clothes.

George isn't into role-playing,

so I no longer need my
crotchless firefighter outfit.

Now it's your turn to
get rid of some things

that you haven't played with,

like that lambo...

I'm playing with it, mommy.

I'm playing with it right now.

(Whirring)

(Noah) George!

Yeah?

Again, buddy,

I can't thank you enough
for agreeing to put us up.

Yeah. No... no problem, man.

I just wanna see you get back on your feet.

Yes. I cannot wait to get off my feet.

Oh.

Right. Okay, well, you
know where the kitchen is.

Help yourself.

Just let us know what's on your lunch menu,

and any lighter fare you might have

for when we're playing outside.

The pull-out couch is all made up for you.

Look at that.

We're gonna be as comfy
as a couple of motel 6-ers.

Hmm? Yeah. Ow.

Something wrong? (Opus coos)

No. (Smacks lips)

All right, I'm a little worried

that Opus and I might bleed to death

from the million little cuts

that we're going to get
from these rough sheets.

Look, we've already been through so much.

Fine. I'll see what else we have.

So we're looking for someone
who understands young urbanites.

Our product targets twenty-somethings

who struggle with lethargy during the day,

caused by insomnia at night.

Sleep when we're dead. Am I right?

I hope not.

Uh, their circadian rhythms
are being confused by...

Arcade Fire.

- What?
- 'Cause I know what that is.

And that is a band. (Chuckles)

Right. But it's not Arcade Fire.

Uh, our research shows it's...

Katie Holmes? Katie Bosworth?

Katie Middleton? Katie Upton?

Cat Daddy? Wanna Cat Daddy?

♪

No.

Uh, I...I do not. I don't.

Oh? Yeah.

Okay.

Um, anyways, it's light.

Oh. Ooh. Yeah. Light from
cell phones and monitors,

and various other gadgets,

which is exactly how
we intend to reach them,

through our social media campaign.

- O.M.G.
- Yeah.

I can't believe you just
said "social media campaign."

Because I'm antisocial socially,

but I'm super social social-medially.

Uh, in fact, I would say
social media is my main...

Hey, hold on. Do you mind

if I just charge my phone real quick?

- I just wanna charge it all up...
- Yeah.

- 'Cause dead phones are ghetto.
- (Beeps)

Sure.

Yeah. Anyway, where were we?

You were saying how active
you are on social media.

- Mm.
- So you tweet?

Like a brown trembler.

Great. Well, you're
obviously very experienced

in the pharmaceutical sales field,

- Yep. Mm-hmm.
- And I can see you're extremely passionate.

Oh, yeah.

Todd, I love you,

and I will love on you if I get this job,

which I would love... (Laughs)

Okay. Bro.

Okay. Well, how about this...

I will follow you on Twitter,

and if I like what I see,

uh, you'll hear something
by the end of the week.

(Gasps)

(Gulps)

There.

Now, instead of lookin' at
herself bathed in prosperity,

Dalia can gaze upon Fatmire...

an Albanian orphan who has nothin'.

Oh.

Imagine what a girl like Fatmire

would do with that toy lambo.

Uh, drag it into the next village

and trade it for clean water?

Hmm.

Seems like a lot of
legwork for poor Fatmire.

You know what, baby? I think it's great

that you're trying to educate Dalia

about those less fortunate
and curb the excess.

Maybe when you're done
here, you can talk to Noah.

His lifestyle is insane.

And the worst part of it is,

he expects everyone else to cater to him.

This is the second run
I've made for new sheets.

Apparently, the ones I bought yesterday...

they weren't up to his lofty standards.

Careful. Those are gateway sheets.

That's exactly how it started with Dalia.

At first it was small things...

designer diapers, toddler tanning bed,

then the next thing you know,
you're standing in J.F.K.,

trying to explain to U.S. customs

why you're smuggling
half a dozen baby leopards

into the country...

none of whom survived the flight.

So heed my warning

and draw some boundaries.

I know, but my heart goes out to the guy.

You remember how tough it is

when you first start doing it on your own.

I do, but the sooner he can stand

on his own two feet, the better.

You taught me that.

- Did I?
- Mm-hmm.

You know what? You are right.

I...I thought I was helping him,

but really, I'm... I'm just enabling him.

And you need to disable him
like I'm about to disable Dalia.

Hey, you want me to send
these sheets to Fatmire?

Um...

you know, for a 14-year-old girl,

she looks a hell of a lot
like Alan Rickman, doesn't she?

(Whispers) Psst. Tessa.

(Chuckles) Big news.

Todd is following me.

- That's great.
- Yeah. I'm one step closer.

Congrats.

I owe it all to you.

I'm trying to study.

Okay, well, study me. Study this.

Look, Mr. Shay, I was
late to school yesterday

trying to help you prepare,

and now I'm trying to make up
for the work I missed, so...

How 'bout this?

You help me tweet something awesome,

and you'll never have to
work a day in your life.

If I get this job, all
your needs will be met.

I wanna meet my own
needs, and so should you.

(Sighs) Okay. Well, at least let me know

what you think of my tweet
so far. (Paper rustles)

"Something, something, #awesome," space,

"#youknowi'mright!"

I'm still circling what "#awesome" thing

I might be right about, now
it's either phone chargers,

midtown, or colace, which is a fantastic

♪water-based stool softener.

Can I ask you something?

What if you get this job? What then?

What if you convince Todd

that you are a media-savvy hipster

with a fully charged phone

and... the softest B.Ms in midtown?

How you gonna keep it up?

I just will.

(Door closes)

(George) Noah?

There he is! My sheets man!

What the hell happened in here?

Oh. I ordered in.

It's just like room service,

except no one comes to clear it away.

So I'm calling a trash removal service.

They should be here within the hour.

Anything you wanna get rid of?
They have a 45-pound minimum.

How much do you weigh?

Is that a fat joke?

Because I bought this for everyone.

No. Look, man, I...

I...I feel like I'm doing you a disservice.

Well, I wasn't gonna complain,

but I did expect you hours
ago with those sheets.

I wanted to give you someplace to crash,

but you're crash-and-burning.
You need to get it together.

You need to step up and find
some place where Opus can sleep

where he's not gonna get
banana peppers on him.

(Scoffs)

I'm not saying it has to have
a picket fence and a window box,

but something.

Figure it out.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying I think you should go.

There it is. Wow. Unbelievable.

I'm sorry... remind me again,

who was there for you when Alex left?

My downstairs neighbor, Rob Buchman.

That's right.

Rob Buchman. That's been driving me crazy.

(Laughs) Maybe I should call him!

Maybe you should.

Fine.

Why don't you give me the
name of your packing service

and pull my car around, and
we'll get out of your hair?

Letting go of your childhood

is a necessary step
towards becoming an adult.

All right.

And becoming an adult is a necessary step

when you are parenting a child.

This is teamwork. Good job, buddy.

But when the lines get blurry,
and you find yourself parenting

your middle-aged next-door neighbor...

(Doorbell rings)

The next step is a little less clear.

- Tessa.
- Mr. Shay.

I found your wheelys on the curb,

and I didn't know what to think.

But it looks like you're
back to your old self again.

You followed my advice.

No. I did no such thing.

I fell down three flights of stairs

on those infernal contraptions
and broke Todd's collarbone.

One of my earholes developed a keloid,

and I didn't get the promotion.

But the good news is,
I lost my existing job...

as well as a portion of my earlobe.

That's the good news?

Yes. Because my loss was Sheila's gain.

She grew like a wild carrot

in the fertile dung of my failure.

More failure, Fred?

I'm sorry. Filet.

Of sole... crushing failure.

Yes, please.

(Scrapes)

I'm sorry I didn't get the job.

I'm not like you. I don't have your fury.

You're a lioness. And I'm...

The guys who gets the
coffee for the lioness?

Exactly.

Say, maybe you should
stay home with the kids,

and I should join the workforce.

Are you trying to have it all?

Because I thought we'd agreed
that we'd each have some.

Oh, come on, Fred, you said it yourself...

I'm a lioness.

Maybe I should be
bringing home the gazelle.

And what would I do?

Come up with a side dish for gazelle.

You don't really need
a side dish for gazelle.

It's a very rich, flavorful meat.

But I'm doing a minted
couscous, nonetheless.

Well, that sounds delightful.

Oh, it will be.

I've never been happier.

Sheila's out pounding the pavement,

and I'm home pounding
the cutlets. (Chuckles)

I even let my phone die...

along with my dreams. (Chuckles)

J.K. #notreally.

(Pounds)

Dalia, I'm impressed.

You scaled way back and got organized.

Yeah.

And I found a lot of things I
was missing when I cleaned up.

Like penuche.

Oh, my gosh. He looks hungry.

He shouldn't be.

He ate 15 pairs of my espadrilles...

not that I needed 15 pairs of espadrilles.

Exactly. Thattagirl.

Now can we take down the
portrait of Alan Rickman?

(Blender whirring)

(Whirring stops)

Hi, neighbor!

(Sighs)

Noah? What... what's going on?

(Whirring resumes) Margaritas!
That's what's going on!

(Laughs) (Whirring stops)

I'm having a housewarming. (Lid clangs)

O-okay, but you... you know,
you can't live in a playhouse.

One man's playhouse is
another man's real house.

- Okay.
- Peter Dinklage said that.

J.K... Peter Dinklage lives
in a normal-sized house.

(Sighs) Anyway, I found a sublet.

We're moving in next week.

It has its own washer and dryer,

so apparently Opus and I

will be learning how to
use a washer and dryer.

Well, if Rob Buchman
doesn't return your call,

I'd be happy to teach you.

I've kind of become a...a
laundry expert over the years.

Do you mind if I leave
this playhouse here...

For Opus, until I get my own yard?

Of, course, man.

(Car horn honks)

(Whirring)

Probably shouldn't let him drink and drive.

I'm teasing. It's non-alcoholic.

Don't tell him. He likes
to feel like a big man.