03x01 - No Me Gusta, Mami

[bunniefuu]

Last season on "Suburgatory"...

Tessa: Thanks to my high-school Nemesis,

the last thing my boyfriend dod
before he left for college

was dump me.

We're over.

After that, the punches flew,
the animosity grew,

and our parents decided
they were moving in together.

I told my dad...

Dalia and I will never live
under the same roof. Never.

...but his mind was made up,
so I packed up and moved out.

But when dad's girlfriend
decided at the last minute

that she didn't want to
make it official...

George, I can't.

I'm sorry.

...George was left in the lurch,

and I found myself looking
for a new place to call home.

Alex. Hi.

What are you doing here?

I just... Wanted to be around

in case you ever... Wanted me around.

For someone who was never around,

my mom showed up at just the right time.

[ Telephone rings ]

George: Hey. It's George.
You've reached my cell.

Uh, leave me a message.

[ Beep]
Alex: Hey, George. It's Alex.

Listen. I... I need your help.

Tessa: They say everything
happens for a reason.

My fight with dad led
to a reconciliation with mom.

And now that she was in Chatswin,

I didn't even mind living here.

I had taken it upon myself
to show my mother

all the finer things
that Chatswin had to offer.

♪ Two jumps in week

♪ I bet you think you're pretty clever ♪
Fro-yo delivery from the best joint in town!

♪ Don't you, boy? ♪
I took the liberty of going full gummies

because, seriously,
these are the best gummies...

♪ Flying on your motorcycle ♪

♪ Watching all the ground beneath you drop ♪
[ Sighs ]

What are you doing here?

I know I'm... I'm the last person

you want to see right now.

Where is she?

Where is she?

This is... this is what she does.

She leaves.

Your... your mom, you know,

she fights to push her way in,

but then when she gets there,
she panics.

And it's not fair. And it's not right.

And I am not making excuses for her,

believe me, because if there's anyone

who understands how you feel, it's me.

♪ Don't leave me high ♪
And I wish somebody,

a long time ago, would have told me

that it has nothing to do with you.

I could have felt angry.

I should have felt betrayed,
but it was weird.

♪ Don't leave me high ♪
At that moment, all I felt was grateful.

♪ Don't leave me dry ♪
Grateful that my dad was there for me.

Carmen: Come algo, mamacita.

Es el desayuno.

No me importa el desayuno.

Aloha, Dalia.

It is, as the Brady children
once sang about so joyfully,

a sunshine day.

How are you feeling this morning?

Little better?

How's that breakfast tasting?

[ Sighs ]

I sure do like your bolero.

Well, I think she's taking
this whole breakup with George

worse than me.

No hay nada peor que te.

What did she say?

She said, "nothing's worse than you."

I see.

No me gusta, mami.

What was that, Carmen?

What does "no me gusta, mami" mean?!

I see.

[ Crunches ]

"Oye, ¿cómo va?"

[ Inhales deeply ]

Carmen, why don't you take
the rest of the day off?

This was supposed to be my day off.

You said you needed me to work.

I canceled several doctors'
appointments to be here.

No buts about it, mija!

Dalia's gonna spend a little
quality time with her mommy

whether she likes it or not.

Not.

Alih Jey:
♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

Suburgatory 3x01 - No Me Gusta, Mami
Original air date January 15, 2014

Dalia: Okay.

All right.

Wow.

Love what you haven't done
with the place.

Nothing says home like cardboard boxes

and, uh, no overhead lighting.

Well, I re-listed this place
because it isn't home.

Okay, well, then where is?

But that's actually something
we need to talk about.

Was it my imagination
or was dad about to say...

Chatswin... Tessa. It changed us.

It sucked up our street smarts,

and it replaced them with...
with country-club memberships

and... and leather wallpaper.

[ Chuckles ]
This town cost us everything,

and it... it almost cost us each other.

[ Sighs ]

I think...
I think Chatswin was a mistake.

There they were. The words
I'd been longing to hear.

Hearing dad denounce Chatswin

was the sweetest sound I'd ever...

[ Dog growling ]

[ Dog barks ]

Hey, now. Stop that. That's rude.

Hey, now. That is... that is just rude.

W... we're working on the growling thing.

He's not great with strangers.

This isn't a stranger, buddy.
This is your sister.

I'm his sister?

Yeah. Well, w... we're...
we're a family now.

[ Dog growls ] I gave him sandwich meat.
He gave me companionship.

We got each other through
a pretty tough time.

Believe me. Once you get to know
him, he's just a big softie.

[ Barks ]
Really?

'Cause he looks like

he wants to tear the flesh from my body.

[ Growls ]
I know, right? It's just a front.

He's gonna do great in New York.

[ Click ]
See the attachment?

Oh, I see the attachment.

He's a stray from two towns over.

Bit a volunteer at the shelter.

He was supposed to be put down.

And now he's roaming
the streets of Chatswin.

Can you imagine
what Scarsdale would say?

[ Scoffs ] They've got their own diet.
We've got feral dogs!

- I can't.
- I can't.

Chatswin is on the verge
of becoming a Hamlet.

A Hamlet.

Can you imagine how high
that would drive home prices?

The Hamlet high.

It's what every agent dreams of!

Rye Brook would get a contact high.

Exactly!

And I am not about to let
some street rat

bogart our real-estate blunt.

[ Thud ]

Fred! Where's my tranq g*n?!

Uh...
[ Heels clacking ]

[ Sighs ]

Ever since your brother
left for college,

I'm afraid your mother
is even more herself than usual.

She's a scorpio, which means

she channels her grief into rage.

Me, I'm a pieces,

which means I mourn by reading
Barbecue Enthusiast.

I want to assure you
this is all very normal.

The two of us are simply navigating

what they call
"empty nest syndrome," so...

Right.

It's just, you know,

the nest technically isn't empty.

Hmm? What was that?

[ Elevator bell dings ]

♪

See, Dalia?

Isn't running errands with your mommy

more fun than being posted in the trap?

- No.
- Now, after we see the accountants,

I thought we'd take Yakult
to the groomers,

bleach our belvederes and grab a wetzel!

[ Telephone rings ]

Holy moly, Mrs. Royce,
you look like a million bucks.

Reel in that spending.

I can't!

[ Laughter ]

I won't.
[ Laughter ]

Dalia, this is Lansky, Lansky,
and Schulman, our accountants.

- Hello. - Hi.
- Hello.

Hey, you guys.

So, can we get you ladies
a cappuccino or some oxygen?

Or some cappuccino-flavored oxygen?

Oh, make mine a double, Lansky.

- Hmm.
- I haven't been sleeping much lately.

Last night I went down
an Instagram rabbit hole

and wound up looking at pictures
of Tony Danza's grandchildren

till 3:00 A.M.

Would you look at that?

That's the first time
I've seen Dalia smile in weeks.

L.O.L., Schulman.

Perfect!

Anything else we can do
for you ladies today?

Actually...

can I take these two old guys
home with me?

She can.

Do you guys know how to twerk?

[ Bubbles pop ]

[ Chuckles ]
Okay. Listen to this one.

[ Bubble pops ]

"Cozy, prewar charmer." Look at that.

Mm. That means it's a walk-up
with no air-conditioning.

What? No, it does not, you cynic.

It means it has character.

It means it is the worst apartment
in the whole, entire world.

- It's in East Village.
- Then it's already gone.

Speaking of, did you, uh,
break the news to Lisa yet?

I had been avoiding telling
Lisa about us moving back

to New York
because I knew what she'd say.

I don't know, Tessa.

Switching schools your senior year?

I'm the dean of admissions
at Suny Purchase,

and I'm thinking,
"meth mom with a dumpster baby."

Yeah, okay.

Well, luckily, Purchase
isn't one of my top schools.

Vassar, I think,
might have the same viewpoint.

I'm not going to Vassar.

Oh, of course not.

Too good for the local fare.

I suppose you'll end up
going to the university

of far, far away from my loyal friends.

- Lisa.
- Nope. Listen.

Makes sense that you would walk away.

Genetically, you're predisposed to it.

What is that supposed to mean?

Just... you.

Your mom.

- How me?!
- Tessa, come on.

It wouldn't be the first time.

When you got upset because your dad

wanted to live with Dallas, what
was the first thing you did?

"Runaway"?

Exactly.

I got to go.

See what I mean?!

Wait for me!

I said, "wait for me!"

[ Sighs ]

I'm sorry, Mr. Altman.

With Ryan gone, my mom's been focusing

all of her hysterical energy
on this dog.

She says he's dangerous.

He ran away from the shelter.
They were gonna put him down.

[ Dog whimpers ]
Okay. No... no one's getting put down.

Look, we're out of here soon.

The three of us will just lay low

until we figure out where we're going.

You can't lay low.

You're not Christine Lahti, Judd Hirsch

and River Phoenix, are you?

Well, are you?

Calm down, Lisa.

There's too much heat on him.

My mother is going house to house.

Okay, so then we'll find
some other place to hide him.

I mean, you won't say anything, right?

You know I can't lie.

When I do, I release an odor.
It is a lying stench.

Sheila will be able to smell it
from a mile away.

Okay, well then
we need to be a mile away.

And you need to see a doctor.

I have.

They don't know what it is.

Nora: - Are you guys checking in?
Tessa: - Sure are.

[ Toys squeaking ]
Has he been here before?

Um...

If not, I'm gonna need to know

the name of vet
and proof of vaccinations.

Oh, he's been here before.

- He's here tons.
- Mm-hmm.

- He is always here.
- Okay.

He was just here.

- And now here he is...
- Shh.

- ...again.
- Oh.

Well, I'm sure he's in our system then.

- Oh, I'm sure he is.
- Yeah. Definitely.

- Definitely is.
- Right.

So... name, please?

- I'm Tessa.
- George.

And this is?

This?

- Buckles.
- Buckles is his name.

Really? Buckles?

Oh, yeah.

There's got to be a buckles
in this town.

Why do you think that?

It's a really traditional name.

No, it is... what?
Rover is a traditional name.

Spot.

Let's see... Buckles Munroe,
Buckles Biederman,

Buckles Weisman-Macomber,

C. Buckles Carlisle,
Buckles Stuart Masterson,

Buckles Elizabeth Mastrantonio...

we have about 50 dogs
named Buckles in our system.

- Huh.
- Biederman.

Buckles Biederman...
that's... that's our guy.

- Great!
- Yeah.

Oh.

Okay, you guys have

an outstanding balance of $863.

[ Sighs ]
Cough it up, Mr. Biederman.

How much?

While Biederman sought refuge
in doggy day care,

Sheila continued her hunt to find him.

Now... I misted the pavement

with a homemade
beef spray to entice him.

I'll tell you who is enticed... me.

[ Chuckles ]
Bow wow wow, Mrs. Shay.

The G.I. Jane look is doing it for me.

It is doing it.

[ Blows ]

[ Grunts ]

Sorry, Fred.

Idyllic pre-hamlets do not
have middle-aged couples

fornicating in the bushes.

And they don't have stray dogs who bite.

And they don't have...
[ Gasps ]

Rental signs!

But this was your dream block.

Well, the dream is dead.

But this is prime Chatswin real estate.

We don't want renters on our street.

Tough tooters, I'm afraid.

What did you just say to me?

I said, "tough tooters."
We're moving, Sheila.

My baby hates this house, and so do I.

It has bad mojo.

Bad mojo?

She's been night waking
ever since we moved in.

Sometimes
I walk by her bedroom at night.

She's just standing up
in her crib, staring.

Leslie, come on!

You don't vacate one of the safest

pre-hamlets in the state just because

you can't get your kid
to sleep through the night!

If this pre-hamlet is so safe,

then why are you dressed
in m*llitary fatigues

and carrying a tranq g*n?

Sheila felt it all slipping away,

everything she'd worked for.

And when control freaks lose control...

it isn't pretty.

Look, it's nothing personal.

I just think we'd be happier
in Scarsdale.

♪ Versace, Versace, Versace,
Versace, Versace ♪

♪ Versace, Versace ♪
You guys, you're doing it all wrong.

♪ Versace, Versace, Versace ♪

T... that's not how you twerk.
♪ Versace, Versace ♪

Okay, there's no way you guys
can go on tour with me.

♪ Versace, Versace, Versace ♪
Lansky, Lansky, and Schulman,

will y'all be staying for dinner?

You know, Lansky and I have
families to get home to.

♪ Versace, Versace ♪

♪ Versace, Versace, Versace ♪
Schulman could.

♪ Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace ♪

♪ Versace, Versace, Versace ♪
Been trill.

That's fine. It's not weird between us.

It's a little.

Here's an invoice for our time.

I think the little one likes you, mommy.

Dalia.

And he has a goatee,
just like daddy Altman.

That was not a goatee.

If anything, it was a soul patch,

and it may have just been
something left over from lunch.

Get out of my room.

Look here, Dalia.

I said, "get out of my room!"

I know that middle-aged
accountant reminded you

of a poor man's George Altman,

and I know how disappointed...

I don't want to talk to you!

You know, you may not
want to talk to me tonight,

and you may not want
to talk to me tomorrow,

and you may not want to talk
to me the day after tomorrow

or the day after that.

The following week, you may
still not wish to talk to me.

And then I suppose
the holidays could come and go

without you really wanting to talk.

I'd be surprised if it carried
through to graduation,

but I suppose it could.

However, there's gonna come a time

when you do indeed want to talk to me,

and I'm here to tell you,

when that fine day comes, I will be here.

Mommy.

Yes?

Will you get the hell
out of my room now?

Yes.

Sheila.

Now that the kids are out of the house,

any objection to me moving

the cuisinart blades to a lower shelf?

I don't care what you do, Fred.

Copy that.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

He's eluded capture for too long.

There is no way
that dog is working alone.

He must have a man on the inside.

Not necessarily.

[ Sniffs ]

Do you smell something?

Not necessarily.

Oh, but I do.
[ Sniffing ]

Smells dirty.
[ Sniffs ]

And tangy.

Like... tartar sauce in a potter's kiln.

That's your lying stench.

Lisa Marie Shay!

You know something
about that dog's whereabouts!

Now cr*ck a window and start talking!

Now, so tomorrow morning,

we will take Biederman into the city,

see how he responds to Murray Hill.

Sheila: You'd get more
for your money in Brooklyn.

Whoa.

Sheila, you cannot just
let yourself into our house.

I am a licensed real-estate agent.

I do what I please.

Okay, well, you are not taking this dog.

Do you understand me?

If you want him,
you have to go through...

[ Gasps ]

...me.

Okay. O... okay.

Mrs. Shay, please listen to me.

I know this dog has made some mistakes.

I am not saying he hasn't.

And he makes
a terrible first impression.

Comes off like a real jerk. I know.

But the truth is...

this dog's a really great guy.

He was there for my dad

when he needed him...

when I'd walked away.

[ Sighs ]

So for that reason, um...

he is a member of our family.

And I know you of all people
know how painful it is

to watch your family walk away.

[ Whimpers ]

My Ryan. My...

In a surprising turn of events,

Sheila Shay and I actually
had something in common.

Let me get this straight.
We had one foot out of Chatswin.

And you agreed to rent
our old place from Sheila?

Yeah.

And I also agreed to a $500 pet deposit

and that we'd get the dog neutered.

[ Glass shatters ]
Really? Wow.

So Sheila gets Biederman's balls,

and I get to pay more for
this place than when I owned it.

What were you thinking?

I was thinking...

that some people in this family

walk away too easily.

Well, you're not one of them.

I don't want to be like her, George.

- I want to be like...
- Hey.

I'm not perfect, either.

I think I proved that.

Come here.

[ Sighs ]

So... so you think this place
really has bad mojo?

Mm... if it does, it's from us.

[ Lorde's "Royals" plays ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

♪ I've never seen a diamond
in the flesh ♪

♪ I cut my teeth on wedding rings ♪
This time, we do not get sucked in.

♪ In the movies ♪
Walk amongst them, but don't become them.

♪ And I'm not proud of my address ♪

♪ In the torn-up town,
no post-code envy ♪

♪ But everybody's like
like Cristal, Maybach ♪

♪ Diamonds on your timepiece ♪

♪ Jet planes, islands,
tigers on a gold leash ♪

♪ We don't care

♪ We aren't caught up
in your love affair ♪

♪ And we'll never be royals ♪

♪ Royals ♪

♪ It don't run in our blood ♪

♪ That kind of lux just ain't for us ♪

♪ We crave a different kind of buzz ♪

♪ Let me be your ruler ♪

♪ Ruler ♪

♪ You can call me Queen Bee ♪
What?

♪ And, baby, I'll rule ♪
It's comfortable to sleep in.

♪ I'll rule, I'll rule ♪

♪ Let me live that fantasy ♪

When it comes to being left in the dust,

I'm kind of a pro.

Boyfriends, moms...

I'd been left behind by the best of them.

I knew better than to listen to sad songs

or to check my phone every two seconds

to see if they had called...

because they didn't.

But if your light is on at 2:00 A.M.,

and even one person checks
to see if you're okay,

you're okay.
[ Door creaks ]

I'm awake, dad. Come in.

Of course, who it is that comes to check

might just surprise you.

[ Whistles ]

♪

Hey. It's you.