03x02 - Victor Ha

[bunniefuu]

A lot can be learned about a
family by their breakfast table.

After recently navigating
out of a rough patch,

George was determined to have
our relationship go smoothly.

As a result, our breakfast table

was set with guilt.

I should have made you something hot.

It's fine. I like cereal.

I know, but I had time.

I'm better than this.

George. It's cool.

Hey. Why don't I make you a nice
lunch to take to school?

Because it's Friday

and the cafeteria will be selling

parmesan-crusted tator tots,

which I will be buying a dozen of,

like any self-respecting American.

[ Door opens ]
I'm gonna make her a nice lunch.

Dallas: Open!

- Mnh.
- Open!

Uh-oh! Look here, Dalia!

I'm about to have a big old bite
of your eggs carmenara!

Mmm!

Quick, you better have some
before I finish it.

You can finish it.

Dalia, this hunger strike
cannot persist.

Sorry, mommy.

Ever since you
and daddy Altman broke up,

I just haven't had an appetite.

Heed this, Dalia.

You will undergo nourishment,

even if I have to ingest, digest,

and straight retch
this egg dish into your mouth

like a ruby-throated hummingbird.

Now open.

Open!

- Hmn-mnh.
- Dalia...

Open it!

Lisa, call your brother.

On the phone?

Don't be a wisenheimer.

Call your brother.

He's in Florida.

For the love of Pete, just call him!

Ryan!

Breakfast!

[ Laughs ]

And then, Fred, remember?

He'd come bounding down those stairs

like a Carolina clydesdale.

He loved to bound.

And how I loved watching him bound.

So glorious and graceful!
[ Sighs ]

Unlike this one.
She's like a crippled turtle.

Would it k*ll you to trot, lass?

Is the occasional skip too much to ask?

I have an idea.

Since apparently this house is n...

Nothing but a sad, lonely,
childless vestibule

that used to be filled with joy.

So why not plan a couple's retreat?

Leave these hollow walls behind.

Ooh, not a bad idea.

You know, Dr. Oz says
after the kids move out,

the genitals can often think
they're no longer needed.

They can wither and die.

He would advise your mother and I

to engage in rigorous sexual love-making

to trick our genitals
into staying robust.

So maybe a trip to the catskills.

Alih Jey:
♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

Suburgatory 3x02 - Victor Ha
Original air date January 22, 2014

[ Dog barks ]

♪ Da, da, da, da ♪

Dalia: Okay.

Hey! You looking for somebody?

Yeah, do you know where Tessa is?

Oh, you must mean Tessandra.
She's our new exchange student.

- No.
- Tessandra, your father's here.

My name's Susan.

[ Chuckles ]
She's just jiving.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Daddy Altman, you came for me.

Uh, hey, Dalia. It's good to see you.

Thank you for saying that.

It's literally so good
to hear you say that.

You're feeling exactly what I'm feeling,

and by that I mean
it's good to see you, too.

Okay. Good. Well, I got to...

I know you and mommy hate each other now

and I just want you to know
I stand with you.

Okay, D... Dalia, she and I don't...

You know, it's more complicated
than that.

She had a totes eclipse of the heart,

but I totes didn't.

I just wish things could go back
to the way they were.

Yeah, well...

you know, I feel badly
about how things ended, too.

[ Stomach growls ]

I think I just got my appetite back.

Oh, well, when was
the last time you ate?

What day is it today?

Right. Um... you know what? Here.

Is this a poor man's sack?

It's a tuna-fish sandwich,
if that's what you mean.

I made it for Tessa,
but if you're starving...

[ Mumbles ]

- Pardon?
[ Muffled ] - Thank you.

You're welcome.

Slow down.

- Okay.
- Mmm.

Woman: "Poor Little Bitch Girl,"
by Jackie Collins.

Belle Svetlana surveyed her nude image

in a full-length mirror,
readying herself

for a $30,000-an-hour sexual encounter

with the 15-year-old son
of an Arab oil tycoon.

Ohh, an oil tycoon.

Her eyes were
a spectacular emerald green.

- Ohh?
- Her body... a playground of delights.

- Ryan used to love the playground. Remember?
- "Yes," she thought.

Sheila!

How can you think about Ryan

when Svetlana is about to climb upon...

His package.

Do you think Ryan ever got his package?

[ Sighs ]

There were perishables in there.
It's been so warm.

- Usually, she did not go out...
- He got the package.

How can you be so sure?

'Cause we tracked it, Sheila.
It was delivered.

I know, but with those giant dorms,

who knows if it got into Ryan's hands?
[ Sighs ]

Some backwater Floridian could be eating

all of my homemade
salted sesame shove 'ems!

We've already spoken with him
once today, Sheila.

You got to give the boy some space.

I know.

This was supposed to be
a romantic weekend.

And it will be.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Crying ]

Tessa: Just as Fred was about to give up

and turn the car around, he saw it.

The one thing
that might make a difference,

just sitting there
on the side of the road.

[ Tires screech ]

And I told Kimantha
she was doing it wrong,

but she wouldn't listen.

Hair feathers are super complicated.

And now she looks like a duck.

Well, you know, you tried to warn her.

Yeah, and she was all,
"you're just jealous"

"because I was the first person
to start wearing hair feathers."

And I'm all, "I guess you didn't
see the photos from Hedonism II"

"when I was totally wearing hair
feathers all over the place."

And she was all...

Don't let me stop you. She's all what?

- Hey, Tess.
- Hey, dad.

So weird to bump into you
at my cafeteria

hanging out with the girl who
gave me a subcutaneous hematoma.

Do you mind?
I'm still eating your lunch.

Actually, I do mind.

- I'm sorry.
- You don't have to apologize, daddy Altman.

But she was very, very hungry.

I eat your sandwich, Tessa.

Your daddy made it for you,
but I eat it.

I see that.

And I drink your milk box.

[ Slurping ]

I drink it all up.

See, George, this is why
you don't bring lunch

to Dalia Day-Lewis.

Who's that?

I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

She said she hadn't been eating.

That's because you don't need to eat

when you are the world's biggest bitch.

The suffering of others
is your breakfast.

Backstabbing is your lunch,

and the tears of the innocent
are your beverage.

Well, it sounds like
you've put a lot of thought

into Dalia's meal plan.

But I can't help but feel
like she's, you know,

crying out for help,
like she needs someone.

Oh, well. Too bad.

George, you may be
too blind to see this,

but she is just
trying to get between us.

And you are feeding the beast.

And you were feeding her
my tuna sandwich!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]
Oh, Fred, look!

I can also sing.

♪ I want to know what love is ♪

♪ I want you to show me ♪

Fred, this is amazing!

I feel like a kid in a candy store.

How many can I have?

Well, with, uh...

with our luggage and
our travel games in the back,

I... I would say one... comfortably.

Can I help you find
what you're looking for?

Um, yes!

You don't happen to have
any European models, do you?

No, but we did get some new
1-year-olds in the other day.

They're sleeping through
the night and they won't last!

- Ooh, you hear that?
- What is your name?

- Victor.
- And you... help out here?

When you get to be a certain
age, you try to stay useful.

I see.

- Sheila, the 1-year-olds!
- Fred, just a second.

Victor, do you like sports?

Yes!

Have you ever wrestled?

Only all the time!

And what about football?

That's my favorite!

And how would you describe your body?

Above average?

[ Laughs ]
What do you think, Fred?

George: Personally, I would have
gone with a white one.

You're right.

Black seemed so appealing
in the show room.

But in practice it's a little,
"look at me,"

"I'm doing something different."

Right. Right.

All right. Let's...
let's talk about the remodel.

What do you hope to achieve?

Ooh. Okay.

I was inspired
by this wonderful HBO movie.

Prior, I had only thought of my bathtub

as a place to get clean

without ever realizing the possibilities

for entertaining friends,
family, colleagues.

I think... I think I know
the movie you're talking about.

- Mm-hmm.
- You want something grand.

- The Grand Canyon.
- Something dramatic.

Cute little slut.

That means yes.

How do you feel about columns?
A "Greek bath house" vibe.

George, you are speaking my language

and speaking it fluently.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm so glad I took that referral.

Oh, I didn't know this was a referral.

- Who do I have to thank?
- Mm, well...

And then Kimantha was all,
"you photoshopped"

"those hair feathers into those photos"

"after you saw me wearing mine."

- And I was all...
- Dalia. You... you did this?

Now we can hang out here together,

free from Tessa's judgment.

This is a "no judgment" space.

What happens in the bathroom
stays in the bathroom.

Look, Dalia. I'm sorry.

But I... I can't use this renovation

as a way of spending time with you.

But you said it was good
to see me. Remember?

Isn't it good to see me?

Look, if you work things out with Tessa,

then maybe you and I could be friends.

But, until then, I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to be all, "no."

You're doing it wrong.

Did all the empty-nest talk
hurt my feelings?

Was I wounded
when they refused to acknowledge

my very existence?

No. Small price to pay, Tessa.

This is the first time
in my whole entire life

I've had this house to myself.

And you want to spend it sitting
on the couch talking to me?

That was not the intention.

No, it was not.

Oh... that's my cue to leave.

Yeah, you best get to steppin'

because, let it be known,
I'm about to do surgery.

I need to prep this man for the O.R.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, boy!

Guess who's back early!

We cut our romantic weekend
short because we fell in love...

...with Victor Ha!

What the hell is this?

This is your new brother... Victor.

Victor, we forgot to mention
we also have a daughter.

- Yeah.
- I love football!

[ Both laugh ]

Of course you do.

How could they do this to me?

I don't know. He seems pretty sweet.

Probably bounced around a lot, huh?

Poor guy.

Poor guy.

What about Malik?

I was about to give his fine ass
a transfusion.

You are really committing

to this whole surgery
sex-talk thing, huh?

[ Cellphone chimes ]
You absolutely have to.

Weird. Dallas just texted me
to pick up my final paycheck.

What's weird about that?

I haven't seen her since the break-up.

I hope it's not awkward between us.

Do you mind if I stop in?

"See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya."

That's a '90s diss.

Hey!

Dallas, that's a '90s diss.

So is your face!

Did you just see that?

Yeah. That was weird.

But no weirder than a grown boy

calling two perfect strangers
"mommy" and "daddy."

Did I tell you Victor did that?

I wonder if Dallas
is trying to punish me

for the whole "George and Dalia" thing.

Yeah, well, Sheila
is definitely punishing me

for the whole "being born" thing.

Lisa had a bone to pick with Victor.

And the next morning,
she decided to pick it.

Aah!

Hello, Victor.

Oh, Lisa. You startled me.

You're a bit jumpy on your own,
though, aren't you?

Uh, no.

No? My mistake.

Guess I don't have a real clear sense

of who Victor is just yet.

Would you say you're a loner, wanderer?

Grifter of sorts?

- What's a grifter?
- Are you a conman?

Because I'm getting
some mighty weird vibes

coming from your direction
and it's not the onesie...

entirely.

How old a man are you?

9 3/4. Why?

Let's call it 10. You're pushing 10.

I guess so. Yeah.

Great, so do me a favor.

Cut the "mommy/daddy" crap,
'cause if you ask me, it reeks.

Oh, that's because
I just went number two.

That's another thing...
bathroom seniority.

I go first. Understand?

Sure, sis.

And there's no hot breakfast
on school days,

so don't get your hopes up.

We get breakfast?!

Yes, Victor. We do.

Victor! How about some
cinnamon toast this morning?

Oh, boy!

He's not even sick.

Lisa, your brother has a big day
ahead of him.

He might even be playing
some football after school.

Isn't that right, Victor?

Hut, hut, hike!

[ Laughs ]
Oh, Victor, you are a treasure.

[ Sniffs ]

Lisa, did you stink up
this bathroom again?

George: And it turned out
Dalia referred me for the job.

But I told her not to bother
contacting me again

unless she was able to
make things right with you.

And how did she take it?

Honestly, she looked crushed.

But I didn't get sucked in.

She was probably just trying
to manipulate me, like you said.

Yeah.

What's wrong? I did everything you said.

Did I mishandle something?

No.

I think maybe I did.

On the one hand, I hate her guts.

On the other hand, it sucks being dissed

by someone that you used to have

a close personal relationship with.

I don't know what to do.

Have you considered
vaginal reconstructive surgery?

Why would I consider that?

I don't know.

I just keep seeing these
pamphlets at my doctor's office.

At the home, they used to serve

steamed cauliflower on Wednesday.

It was my favorite.

That's nice, Victor.

Unfortunately, the other kids
weren't too wild about it

and they complained.

Eventually, they stopped serving it.

Well, we're all very sorry to hear that.

They started serving
cabbage rolls instead.

Cabbage rolls make my throat itch.

Sure, that makes sense.

But I never complained, because I knew

some of the other kids
really like cabbage rolls.

Right.

Just because I hate cauliflower

doesn't mean no one else
should be allowed to eat it.

That's kind of the way
I see life, Tessa.

Thanks.

Thanks, Victor.

Wow.

That is not what I took away
from that story.

I may have welcomed Victor
and his advice,

but Lisa was still determined
to undo him.

Perfect little son.

We'll see about that.

Everybody's got a bone
in their closet, Victor.

And I just found yours.

[ Door opens ]

[ Gasps ]
I can explain!

This is a bionicle.

I know. I'm just holding it
for a friend.

I hate those things.
Those are for losers.

This is Takanuva, the Toa of Light.

I wouldn't know.

I'm more interested
into football, wrestling,

and throwing touchdowners.

I love touchdowners!

You know, Takanuva was
my favorite bionicle

when I was your age.

Really?

Victor, my whole life
I've lived in a house

where no one understood me.

I know how it feels to be
ashamed of your bionicles.

They taught us to just say yes
to whatever the parents ask.

Your parents?

They wanted a football player
with a great body.

That's not me.

I know.

It's okay.

You're doomed.

Sheila: How was football
practice today, son?

Did you "go long"?

Did I ever!

Do you think you'll make quarterback?

I know it's hard, Victor, but tell them.

Mom, dad...

I'm not who I said I am.

I'm a... grifter.

No. No. No! No!

How could we have been so stupid?

Sheila, did you tell him
your social security number?

I don't think so, but we did
discuss my mother's maiden name

and the street that I grew up on
and the make of my first car.

That's all he needs. We're finished!

He did not steal your identity.

But he did steal someone else's.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Do I cancel
my credit cards or not?

Not.

But I'm afraid Lisa's right.

You see, my body's not as great
as you think it is.

And I don't love football.
I love bionicles.

He's not a Ryan. He's a Lisa.

I understand if you don't
want me anymore.

And I'm sorry I lied.

I'll get my things.

Victor, you stop right there.

You didn't steal our money...

but you did steal our hearts,

which is only possible because
you didn't steal our money.

[ Chuckles ] To be honest, we're relieved
that you don't like football.

You are?

You are?

Sheila: The last thing we want
is to lose another son.

And I never heard of anyone
getting a bionicle scholarship,

- have you?
- Nope. There's no such thing.

[ Laughs ]

Now, tell us all about
this favorite hobby of yours.

Well, when the shadow leeches
swamped Takanuva,

they underestimated his cunning...

Wait a minute.

I have tried to discuss bionicles

at this dinner table
for years and it was forbidden.

Victor makes it sound more
interesting than you did.

Victor knows how to frame a story.

Plus, you never mentioned
the shadow leeches, Lisa.

If there are shadow leeches,
you lead with shadow leeches!

Victor: Well, Takanuva, he wasn't...

With a bitter, deep-seated
rivalry now firmly in place,

Lisa and Victor were starting

to feel like siblings after all.

[ Sheila laughs ]

[ Doorbell rings ]
Just a sec!

Oh, no.

Tessa, talk to the hand 'cause
the face don't give a damn.

Relax, Dallas.

I'm here to see Dalia.

I don't have you dad if that's
what you're looking for.

No.

I wanted to let you know
that I have been rethinking

my stance on your friendship
with my dad.

Just because I hate you,
doesn't mean he has to.

He could never hate me.
He thinks it's good to see me.

Ask him.

You can ask him yourself.

And in return,
can you please tell your mother

to stop slamming me with...

Whoop! There it is! I thought you knew!

I'm sorry. I'll stop.

She made me. I... I...

Looking into her icy blue eyes,

I wasn't sure what this all
meant to Dalia, if anything.

I had no idea if things between
us would be any different.

Hey.

I've been meaning to ask you...

how did things go with your mom?

She left.

I know. I just
wanted to hear you say it.

Thanks.

But everything's good with Ryan, right?

Okay. See ya.

[ Door closes ]