01x17 - Attic Girl

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

[insects trilling]

[over radio]:
♪ Oh, I

♪ I just d*ed in your arms ♪

- ♪ Tonight ♪
- Okay, Tad, could you have picked

a creepier spot to park?

Come on, don't worry, babe.
I'll protect us.

♪ I just d*ed in your...

RADIO DJ: We interrupt this broadcast
to inform you

that the Hudson Valley
Chainsaw k*ller has escaped

- from Ulster County state mental facility...
- Boring.

Babe.

That sounded important.

- Come on, Steph.
- [sighs]

That insane asylum's,
like, over a mile away.

- We'll be fine.
- Yeah.

You know what? You're right.
Also, what's he gonna do...

k*ll two kids in a car,
making out?

- That-That's not a thing.
- Right.

[sighs]

[♪]

Tad.

[chainsaw whirring]

[screaming]

[♪]

JAY: I'm just having some
trouble reaching this socket.

What's going on?

Jay's playing
with electricity again.

- Interesting.
- Hey. Back up.

You're hoping to
possess Jay again, aren't you?

- What?
- Not at all.

I was merely trying
to supervise,

which requires me to be near
to the host body. I mean Jay.

JAY: Who's that?
Hetty?

Back off, parasite!

And...

- I got it.
- Okay.

- What is it?
- Oh. It's an Alexa.

- You talk to it and it does stuff for you.
- ISAAC: Alexa?

Eh, sounds more like a Samantha,

am I right?
[Laughs]

Alexa, what's the temperature
outside today?

ALEXA:
Right now, it's 62 degrees...

[all exclaim]

Bet that freaked
'em out, huh?

Ooh, ask it who had
the more comely ankles

at Mamie Fish's cotillion,

and we'll settle this one
once and for all.

No, ask it to order frozen
pizzas from the supermarket.

I doubt it can do that.

Oh, actually, I think it can,

but I don't have time for this
right now

because Jay and I have
a ton to do

before our first official
guest arrives in one week!

- You actually booked a guest?
- Oh, yeah!

Hell yeah, we did.

But we've got a bunch
of chores to do

before they show up.
Huh, babe?

Okay, all right.
Well, you clean the gunk

out of the kitchen sink
and I will get

the extra blankets
out of the attic.

Why-why do I have
to clean the gunk?

[chuckles]
'Cause I pried that watch off

of your ancestor's
rotting corpse.

- That is true.
- Fair.

- That's a good point.
- That was gross. - Fine.

You get to use that,
like, two more times.

Where are...

There you are.

[gasps]

Dude! Are you serious?

You woke me up.

[grunts] My work here
is done.

Thanks for destroying my room,
dipstick.

Stephanie.
You're awake.

Hey, losers.

What a lovely
surprise.

Although isn't it a little
early for you

to be up?
It's only April.

PETE:
Right, as a teen ghost

you usually sleep
for months on end.

I know.
Some dumb Living woke me up.

Hey, so I heard Sam and Jay
actually booked a guest?

[chuckles]:
Hi, Trevor.

I was wondering
where you were.

Hi, Stephanie.
How are you?

Hi.
Did you miss me?

Just the normal amount

that an adult should miss
a teenager.

You know, I'm-I'm...
technically, I'm 53.

Yeah, but you're not.

Well, we were born
the same year.

This is not gonna happen.

- Not gonna happen. Just...
- Whatever.

So, this new Living...
Is it just the one guy?

Oh, no.
He's married to Samantha.

FLOWER: Get this:
We can talk to her

and she talks back.

Sure she can, Flower.

No, really, she does.

Ah, I couldn't find it.

HETTY:
And here she is.

Samantha, you must
meet Stephanie.

Oh, another one. [Laughs]
Why not?

- Uh, hi, I'm Sam.
- Hey.

Stephanie's a ghost
that lives in the attic

and sleeps most of the year.

I-I really like your dress.

I d*ed on my way to prom.

Really sucked.
Chainsaw m*rder.

- God, that's awful.
- Yeah.

You know, I actually had
kind of a bad prom, too.

Although now that
I say it out loud,

- yours was definitely worse.
- You think?

Oh, well, I'm gonna just, uh,
help Jay with some stuff,

but it is nice to meet you,

and I'm sure I'll see you
later on. Bye.

Bye.

That was awkward.
What is with that chick?

Well, she's a little awkward,
but in the cutest way.

Like, the way she wrinkles her
nose when she's uncomfortable...

It's adorable.

Wait, are you into her
or something?

Oh, yeah.
Trevor's in love with Sam.

HETTY: Truth be told,
we all love Sam.

And you will, too.
You guys are the same.

Except she can do
things, is alive,

and Trevor has
a crush on her.

But other than that,
she's just like you.

Hmm.

ALBERTA:
Oh, I swear.

Livings are so lazy
these days.

Can't even be bothered
to put on a record.

They just want to say,
"Alexa, play jazz." [laughs]

ALEXA:
Here's a station you might like.

Ultimate Jazz.

- [jazz playing]
- What the...?

It can hear ghosts?

Alexa, who invented popcorn?

Alexa, will there be season two
of It's Getting Hot in Here?

Alexa, what day of
the week is it?

ALEXA:
Today is Thursday, April 7.

Whoa.

I am a God.

[laughing]

- Whew.
- Yeah, I know it's a lot of work,

but I'm telling you,
I think Josh and Leeanne

are really gonna appreciate it.

- Who?
- Josh and Leeanne.

They're the couple
that booked the room.

They're from Erie,
Pennsylvania,

and they're coming out
to celebrate

their 20th wedding anniversary.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Yeah, it was actually
a few months ago,

but then, you know,
Josh got LASIK,

and then he had his dental
practice, and then Leeanne was

working with those
rescue animals. It was really

the only free weekend
they could get.

Have you been stalking
their social media?

Yes.
I went down a rabbit hole.

I know things about Josh
that Leeanne doesn't know.

"Cherry Pie" by Warrant
playing...

♪ She's my cherry pie

♪ Cool drink of water,
such a sweet surprise... ♪

Hey.
How is there music playing?

Alberta can speak to voice
in the sphere thingy.

Well, that's not possible.

Oh, really?
Alexa, stop.

[music stops]

Oh, boy. Uh...

The ghosts can now interact
with the Alexa.

That is not
a great development.

Hey, is the creepy chainsaw girl
still here?

- Seriously?
- Hm-mm.

That's you described me? Hmm?

No. No, no.

"Creepy" is, like,
a word Jay chose.

STEPHANIE:
I have an idea, everyone.

Since I never got to go
to my own prom,

what if tonight
we had a ghost prom,

right here in Thor's room?

[all gasping and cheering]

- Oh, my God.
- That's so fun! - Yeah?

Stephanie wants us
to throw a ghost prom.

Oh, ghost Prom,
'cause that doesn't sound like

the title to a horror movie.

And I have
the perfect theme, too:

No Livings Allowed.

No Livings Allowed?
[Chuckles]

It's not exactly
Enchantment Under the Sea.

STEPHANIE: No, no, no.
You know,

it's just because
we know how busy you are,

and we don't... we don't
want to get in your way.

You were saying you were
too busy to help us earlier.

- I-I know, but...
- So, you know, in a way,

I'm really...
I'm doing you a huge favor.

I'm getting everyone
off your back for the night.

And with Alberta's new power,
she can control the music

and the lights, so...

[chuckles]: You're really,
you're not needed.

[sighs] At all.

Okay, well, I mean, I could,
I could pop by

just for, like,
a brief appearance.

Samantha,
do not worry about us.

Do your cleaning
and we will be fine.

- [overlapping agreement]
- Yeah, scrub-a-dub-dub.

All right, well...

You guys have fun, too.

Bye!

ISAAC:
Again, again!

Ugh, seriously, Isaac,

you already heard the answer.

Just one more time.

Alexa, how did
Alexander Hamilton die?

ALEXA: Alexander Hamilton d*ed
of a g*nsh*t wound

on July 12, 1804,

- at 47 years old.
- [laughing]

- Again. Again.
- STEPHANIE: Excuse me.

Hi. We have, like,
a whole prom to plan.

I mean, does anyone
even have a date yet?

Uh...

Uh... [chuckles]

[Thor clears throat]

Were you planning on asking
anyone special, Isaac?

Like a certain British officer
you m*rder*d, perhaps?

[whispering]: Shh! No.

You are still the only one
that knows about that.

And, no, I am not ready.

Oh, God, who would've thought
that a prom of all things

would create such
a stressful social situation.

I have an idea.

What if we all just went
together?

As friendly companions.

- Oh, I love that.
- [laughs]: Yep. Yes.

- A group thing.
- Group thing.

- Yay!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're gonna go to prom
as friends?

That's lame.

What are we,
a bunch of losers?

- I'll go with you, Trevor.
- You know what, actually,

we don't want anyone
to feel left out.

I think that we should, uh,
go as friends.

It's nice. Let's do that.

Agreed.

- Now... again!
- [other groaning]

Last time, I swear.

You know, "no livings allowed"

isn't even a theme.

It's just, like, stupid.

Oh, you're upset
about the ghost prom.

As if. [Scoffs]

Like I care about
some stupid ghost prom.

Whatever.

Okay,
I don't want to be that guy,

but I think
that's smooth enough.

You seem like
you really care.

It's actually starting to get
a bit concave.

Okay, fine.

It's a bit of
a sore subject for me.

Why is it a sore subject?

SAMANTHA:
When I was in high school,

I loved everything French.

The language, the food,

the films I pretended
to understand.

I even had a French pen pal,
Pierre La Croix.

We IM'd for, like, two months.

And then he told me
he was going to come to America,

right when prom was happening,
and he wanted to take me.

Oh, no.
This is not gonna end well.

Turned out Pierre wasn't real.

Kelly Blankenship catfished
me as a cruel prank.

I waited outside my house
for three hours.

Of course,
he didn't show up,

and then Kelly
and her friends drove past

and threw baguettes
at me, and...

the next day at school
was the worst.

[laughter]

KELLY
Oh, we got you.

So, you didn't ask him
why he was coming to America?

Not a single follow-up question?

Maybe, like, a flight number?

I wanted it to be true, Jay,
but it wasn't.

And, yes, that was the only
experience I had with prom.

So forgive me,

not getting invited
to the ghost prom

gives me a little PTSD.

Okay,
you really need to move on.

Oh, I'm sorry, Pete,
it was very traumatic for me.

No, no,
from that spot on the wall.

Pretty soon, we're gonna be
exposing some wiring.

I'm gonna show myself out.

Pete's here?

Pete. He's gone.

Aw, man.

FLOWER: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ask it to play

- "China Cat Sunflower"
- No, I was next,

and I require it to tell me
if the Vanderbilts ended up poor.

Hey, I'm still waiting
for frozen pizzas

- from the supermarket.
- Okay!

This is getting out of hand.

Shop is closed
for the day.

Y'all are needy.

That's not fair.
I didn't even get a turn,

and this is my room.

Wait, you and Thor
switched rooms, Trevor?

No, we both live
in here now.

Sam had everyone pair up

to use other rooms for guests.

So, she forced you all
to room together?

What is she, your dictator?

Well, "dictator"
is a little strong.

It's not like she's taxing us
on sugar and tobacco.

But she can be
a little pushy, yeah.

- [others agreeing]
- Uh, Stephanie.

Can I have a word with you
out in the hall?

- Sure.
- PETE: So, yeah.

You can see how
this whole banning Sam

from ghost prom might bring up
a lot of issues for her.

Wow, they threw a baguette
at her?

And sadly, I believe
it was stale.

Smart.
I mean harsh.

Ah, yeah. Pete, you have come
to the right person.

Oh, I'm so glad.
And I won't say anything to her.

I will let you surprise her
with the prom invite.

Oh, I'll surprise her.

Fantastic. Thank you.

Hey, guys?

I have an idea.

We should totally
pull a prank Sam.

Well, we wouldn't
want to do anything mean.

No! No. No, just-just
a fun little prank

to help her lighten up.

Like how the-the colonists,

they pulled that prank
on the king dude,

where you all threw the tea
in the harbor.

The Boston Tea Party.
[chuckles]

Well, all they were missing
was a giant shortbread cookie.

[laughing]

That would've k*lled
at the tavern.

Well, okay, if it's something
lighthearted like that,

then sure.

I think I have
something in mind.

Alberta,
I'm gonna need your help

with that Alexa thingy.

[sighs]
Of course you are.

Babe, you want to see
Josh in a Speedo?

- Are you talking about...
- The guests.

Yes, it's always
about the guests.

I'm in deep, and
you need accept it.

Now, do you want to see
a middle-aged man

in a Speedo or not?

Sure, hand it over.

- [pop sound effect]
- Oh.

Oh, no.

What did you...
Did you like it?

- I didn't even see it. I...
- You liked it.

Sam, this post
is from five years ago.

Now he's gonna think
I'm some kind of weird stalker.

Mm.I know,

but I don't want to
look like one.

[doorbell rings]

Uh, I got it.

- Hey. What's this?
- It's your grocery order.

20 baguettes
for a Mrs. Pierre La Croix.

Pierre La Croix.

Okay.

[cheering]

Yeah! Come on, right?

ISAAC: We got you good,
right?[overlapping chatter]

That's funny, huh?

Pete, you told them about this?

No. I-I mean, yes,
but I-I just...

[French accent]:
Oh, ho. Is the lady upset

about the little prank?

I can't believe
you did that, Pete.

Babe, are you okay?

- Sam, I'm sorry.
- HETTY: Samantha.

- ISAAC: It was supposed to be funny.
- [overlapping chatter]

Okay, so Sam definitely
not enjoy that prank.

What was that all about?

What the H-E-C-K, Stephanie?

I told you that stuff
about the French guy

so you could help Sam.
I trusted you.

Hold up.
What y'all talking about?

Sam told me this very sad tale
about her own prom,

and how she thought
she was going

with this hunky French guy,

but it turned out some mean girl
was just tricking her.

ALL: Aw.

Poor Samantha.

Yes, that is
the appropriate reaction.

You know what's not appropriate?

Weaponizing Sam's pain the way
Chainsaw Madonna here did.

I mean,
I don't know about Madonna.

He said it. Oh, my God.

Wait, so basically,
Sam got traumatized

by some mean girl
in high school,

and now Steph
is making her relive it?

And making us pawns
in her sick game.

What is wrong with you,
Stephanie?

You're 53 years old.

- You should know better.
- You hear that, Trev?

Not happening.

Okay. Whatever.

Sam's the mean girl here.
She deserves it.

You guys all
said it before, too.

She acts like she's
the boss of you, remember?

Mm-mmm! I have walked a mile
in Sam's shoes today,

and that woman is a saint.

Y'all coming up to me
every second, asking something,

wanting stuff.

"Who won the World Series

in 1993?"
Who cares!

"What's the capitol of Idaho?"

- Child, I don't give a damn!
- It's Boise.

So yeah, maybe Sam does have
some demands and rules,

but she needs them
'cause y'all are annoying.

- [gasps]
- Mm.

Well, it's tough
to rally the troops

when you end like that,

but I agree with you.

We all owe Sam an apology.

Well, you know what?

Anyone apologizes
to that jerkwad,

you're out of the prom.

Well, then I guess
we are out of the prom.

No one calls my descendant
a jerkwad,

which from context I take to be
some sort of derision.

We trusted you, man,
and you stole our money.

That's not what happ...
Okay, let's just go. Come on.

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Okay, fine.
Go, then.

I don't need you, you losers.

No one likes you!

The basement ghosts
think you're lame!

Hey, babe.
Just checking on you.

Seeing how you're doing.

Whether or not
you need some butter.

- Okay, it's too soon.
- Stephanie's just...

- She's such a jerk.
- Yeah, but,

babe, are you sure
this isn't about

the mean girl from your past

and not the dead one
from your present?

I don't know, probably,
but I just...

I can't believe
the ghosts went along with it.

And I can't believe
I even care.

I'm mad at a bunch of
invisible people, Jay.

Samantha,
if we could have a word.

The ghosts just all came in.

We came to say we're sorry.

Oh, great, 'cause I'm about
to give all you guys

- a piece of my m...
- No, they were apologizing.

Oh. Okay.

I'll allow it.

I only told Stephanie
what happened to you

because I was trying to
get you invited to the prom.

Stephanie manipulated us.

I didn't even get the
whole baguette thing.

But then Stephanie made me
feel stupid for not getting it.

- Me, too.
- ISAAC: Point is, we didn't know

that you had been tricked
in high school.

FLOWER:
It's so rude.

Telling you that the hot
foreign exchange student

had a crush on you?

No, he wasn't
an exchange student.

He still lived
in France.

We were more like
online pen pals.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm sorry,
so you thought he was coming

all the way from Europe to go
to a school dance in Ohio?

- Well...
- PETE: Guys, I'm sure

the mean girl
got her older brother

on the phone or something
to do a French accent.

Uh, no,
we never actually spoke.

Trying to defend you, Sam.
Not making it easy.

ALBERTA:
Look, it doesn't matter

how naive or clueless
you may have been.

You didn't deserve
to be hurt like that.

And we would never purposely

make you feel worse about it.

- That's right.
- Absolutely.

ISAAC: No.Thanks, guys.

ISAAC:
And don't worry,

we got her back.

THORFINN:
Yeah.

We leave her all
alone by herself to feel sad.

Very funny.

Oh, gosh.

She is going to have
the worst prom ever.

[laughter]

Well, maybe not
"the worst" worst.

Second-worst. And come tomorrow.

She'll fall back asleep
for another year,

so you won't have
to worry about her.

- Easy.
- SAMANTHA: Wait,

so this girl is only awake

for, like, one night a year,

and she's going to spend it
alone on prom night,

the very event
that she tried to recreate

because she d*ed that night?

Ugh, don't make us feel bad
for that little psychopath.

I didn't know how to deal with
the mean girl back in my day,

but I know what we need
to do for this one.

Ugh, you're gonna do something
nice for her, aren't you?

Yes, Hetty, we are.

How are we even related?

SAMANTHA: Stephanie, can you
come downstairs?

There's something
I want to show you.

Surprise!

ALL: Surprise![laughs]

What the hell is going on?

It's prom night, 1987.

You made it.

Oh, my God,
you did all this for me?

So do you think she'll
get sucked off now?

Sucked off at prom?
I suppose anything's possible.

Hmm.

"If You Leave" by Orchestral
Manoeuvres in the Dark plays...

Ooh! [Laughs]

- Okay.
- [laughs]

Ooh, I'm gonna get dizzy.

Come on, Vertigo.
Thor,

talk to her.

[clears throat]

Flower, it, uh,

seems you are also here tonight.

Yeah, Thor, we're all are.

- Duh.
- What?

Stephanie taught me that.
It's stupid.

Oh.

Look, I don't want to rush anything,
but tonight is prom.

Also, only one night and...

- [exhales, sputters]
- Do you want to dance?

Yes! So much easier
when you ask.

Cool, cool, cool.

♪ I touch you once,
I touch you twice ♪

- ♪ I won't let go
- [bell tolls]

- ♪ At any price
- [both chuckle]

♪ I need you now

♪ Like I need you then...

What's going on?

I'm here to take you to prom.

If you'll have me.

Jay. You got me a corsage?

I got you the nicest corsage

that I could find

at the supermarket
on a Sunday night.

Well, it's perfect.
Can I have this dance?

- Oh, aren't we skipping a step?
- What do you mean?

Well, aren't you supposed to
have your She's All That moment

where you walk down
the stairs and I'm like...

[gasps] ...and you're like,
"Mm, I'm so embarrassed,"

but then, like, you kind of love
it, and then I also love it?

[laughs]
Give me five minutes.

♪ We drove a million miles

♪ To be with you tonight...

SAMANTHA:
Alexa, play "Kiss Me."

ALEXA: Playing "Kiss Me"
by Sixpence None the Richer.

[♪]

♪ Kiss me

♪ Out of the bearded barley

♪ Nightly Wow.

♪ Beside the green,
green grass ♪

Are you kidding me right now?
On my prom night?

♪ You wear those shoes

♪ And I will wear that dress

♪ Oh, kiss me

♪ Beneath the milky
twilight... ♪

You know, we could have
what they have.

No.

STEPHANIE:
Thank you so much

for decorating my room.

It's so bitchin' now.

Oh, Stephanie says thanks

for decorating the room, Jay.

Oh, good, good, good.

I-I'm sorry,
I'm just distracted. Uh...

Josh just liked a bunch of
my photos from a few years ago.

Oh, this trip
is gonna be awkward.

Anyway, one final touch.

- I know you like these guys.
- [gasps]

That's my
favorite band.

- Thank you, dude.
- ALBERTA: I thought U2

was the website where creepy
Todd's video made me famous.

Again, "famous"
is a stretch,

and I believe it's
called WhoTube.

No, that's YouTube.
U2 is a popular rock band from Ireland.

Oh, no. They're Irish?

- That's lovely.
- Hetty...

Of all the bands

in all the lands.

I can handle it.

- You should take it down.
- No, that's my poster.

- Take it down.
- That's my special new poster.

- Take it down!
- No!