02x15 - Call Me Tiny Boo-Boo

[bunniefuu]

Okay, gather round, staff meeting. Phil.

- Present.
- Randi.

You can see me. This is stupid.

Randi says "present."

Item one, uh, stuffed
cats are now % off.

Item two, Kona Dark Mountain
Blend is back in stock.

Item three, I kissed Max
last night. Item four...

- Wait, hold up.
- Whoa, whoa. You kissed Max?

Yepper-doodles.

When? How? Why? Where? Why?

Uh, last night. With my lips.

I don't know. In the bar.

I don't know!

Stuff that nonsense. How was it?

(SIGHS) Honestly, it was confusing.

But hot?

So hot.

But there's so many issues.

- Oscar...
- That's one.

- ... is here.
- Oh, hey, babe.

Hey, I got big news.

Oh, you're not the only one.

- Lay it on me, babe.
- I got the promotion.

- I'm gonna be a dispatcher.
- Babe!

That's amazing, babe.

Okay, heads up, that's
about four "babes."

No more driving my truck
on freezing mornings

or delivering boxes in the
rain, and I only wear shorts

if I want to show off my legs.

(CHUCKLES) Sorry, ladies. And Phil.

Oh, you do got some nice stems.

(LAUGHS) Congratulations.

I am so happy for you,
ba... I'm so happy for you.

I get health benefits,
a-a retirement plan.

I feel like I can finally
start planning for my future.

Our future.

Yes, our future.

All right, I got to
get back to my route.

I'll see you later.
Phil, this is for you.

PHIL: Ooh, work it. Work it.

Work it, girl.

(PHIL CHUCKLES)

Gosh, I feel like the
worst person in the world.

Phil, you're supposed to say,

(SOUTHERN ACCENT): "No, you
just made a tiny boo-boo."

A "tiny boo-boo"? Honey,
your nipple's in a wringer.

Well, have you talked to Max
since everything went down?

(REGULAR ACCENT): No, and
honestly, I don't want to.

Hey, Kat, can we talk?

Think we all knew that was coming.

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

- So...
- So...

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Okay, we're on the same page.
- (LAUGHS) Kat.

Damn it.

Look, about last night...

I am so sorry.

You don't have to be sorry.

Really? What I did last night

was, like, the most dumbass
thing I've ever done.

What about that tattoo?

Okay, all done.

(GASPS) I love it.

And it's subtle, which I really like.

Yeah, that was a rough
Rosh Hashanah at my nana's.

You don't have to b*at
yourself up about the kiss.

I pretty much did the same thing

when you started going out with Oscar.

You did do the same thing.

What were you thinking?

Look, when two people
are as close as we are...

- We're so close.
- ... there are a lot of big feelings.

- All the feelings.
- And sometimes those feelings come out sideways.

- Sideways. Boop.
- Especially if someone new comes into the picture.

- A brand-new person.
- And that's okay.

You and I can make it through anything.

- You know that, don't you?
- (EXHALES)

Are you gonna kiss me?

What? No. Why would I do that?

That's crazy. Why would I kiss you?

I was going in for, like, a...

- like, a bro hug. Yeah. Just...
- Oh. Oh.

Good talk.

♪ ♪

How am I supposed to
know how to dress tonight

if you don't tell me where we're going?

Bathing suit?

Ball gown?

Bulletproof vest.

Oh, do you own a bulletproof vest?

(CHUCKLES, CLEARS THROAT)

(LOW-PITCHED): 'Cause
that'd be really hot.

My dad's a retired cop.

- Okay.
- Yeah, and my boys

just went into the
Witness Protection Program.

We already did a background
check on you. You're good.

And the boys are back in town.

Hold up. You didn't
run one on me, did you?

I did, Mr. Cook, and
I've got some questions

about your month in Uruguay.

Oh, we all have questions.

When he left for Uruguay, he was bald.

All right, got to run.

See you tonight in my... roller skates?

Tennis skirt?

Lederhosen? Worth a sh*t.

So, uh, where you taking her?

I don't know.

Dude, this is your third date.

- It's make-or-break time.
- I know.

- If it's not special, there ain't no coming back.
- I know.

Tonight you either move
forward or die alone.

I know!

Well, you got to think of something.

- I know. How about sushi and a movie?
- Weak.

- Picnic in the park?
- Sure.

"Here, Nicole, why don't
you cut this sweaty cheese

with this plastic Kn*fe
while you sit in the dirt?"

- Then what do I do?
- How about this:

I got a buddy who can get you
the chef's table at La Chasse.

Oh, now we're talking.

Class it up, wear a jacket.

- Don't worry, I know exactly which jacket.
- Not the blue one.

You don't look like you
think you look in it.

♪ ♪

Hey, uh, Randi, let
me ask you something.

If you were gonna break up with
Carter, how would you do it?

Why? What have you
heard? What did he do?

You know what, it doesn't
matter, he's dead to me.

(WHISPERS): No, I...
I'm talking about Oscar.

You are breaking up with Oscar?

How did you hear that?

My superpower is detecting drama.

Now dish that ish.

Well, I don't know,

it's just been on my mind
since before I kissed Max.

I'm gonna take a moment
to remember kissing Max.

(CHUCKLES)

Then this morning, Oscar
mentioned our future

and I couldn't imagine it.

I don't know if we have one.

Is it the sex? 'Cause you know
you don't need him for that.

I'll buy you the batteries.

No. Thanks.

I-I feel terrible.

Oscar's a good guy. He's...

he's sweet, reliable, thoughtful...

So you're bored.

No. This is my first
serious relationship,

and I'm just not feeling the
way I thought I'd be feeling.

Also known as bored.

Something has been off for a while.

I-I keep having these
sex dreams about Nick.

Nick, the cheese guy?

Sounds like Kat thinks
Nick's the meat guy.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Why do I tell these people anything?

- What's up, y'all?
- Kat's breaking up with Oscar

because she might be in love with Max,

- and she keeps having sex dreams about Nick.
- Randi.

Damn. I came in for the coffee,
but, uh, I'll take the tea.

Poor Oscar. How you gonna do it?

I don't know. I've never
broken up with somebody before.

Never?

Okay, once.

I don't want to be
your girlfriend anymore.

You're reprehensible.

It stung, but I did have
to admire his vocabulary.

You should pick Oscar's
favorite celebrity

and have them do it on Cameo.

It hurts a whole lot less when
Debra Messing dumps your ass.

He does love Yoda.

(IMITATING YODA):
Boyfriend you are no more.

You don't even have to tell him.

One time, I just b*rned
all my boyfriend's clothes

- on the front lawn.
- What's this, now?

- What? He did me wrong.
- Well, what did he do?

Trust me, you'll know if you do it.

♪ ♪

So, this is middle C.

(PIANO KEY PLAYS)

Oh. Middle C, like my bar.

- Now I get it.
- And this is...

♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star. ♪

It's also...

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G. ♪

And once you've mastered
the alphabet, it's also...

♪ Baa, baa, black sheep,
have you any wool? ♪

You are blowing my mind.

Now teach me some Doja Cat.

Hey, you ready?

Hey. You clean up good.

Well, yeah.

You need a little help with that?

- No, I got it. Oh!
- Oh!

- Damn.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, that is a lot of blood...
- (STAMMERS)

WOMAN (OVER P.A.): Dr.
McCullen, surgery, please.

- Height?
- Five-five.

Weight?

We can skip that one.

Oh, that one's kind of personal.

Personal. Personal.

Oh, any history of sexually
transmitted diseases?

That's the one you decide to ask?

Sorry. I'm sorry. And I'm
also sorry I ruined our night.

And maybe your face.

- It's fine.
- Is it fine?

Because you don't sound fine.

Does it hurt?

You know what?

Why don't we just talk about chlamydia?

♪ ♪

Oscar, I've treasured the
time we've spent together,

but I think we need to break up.

No.

What?

I refuse.

No, you-you can't refuse.

I'm breaking up with you.

I don't accept that. I
love you and I always will.

I kissed Max. I-I think I might
still have feelings for him.

Oh, we can get past that.

No, no, we can't. We're-we're done.

We'll never be done.

Okay, th... You know... Uh...

I'm gonna poison your beer.

Our love is the antidote.

Okay, you-you leave me no choice.

Fine, I'll die with you.

We'll be together for an eternity.

You see, it's things like this

that make me want to break up with you.

OSCAR: So, what'd you
want to talk about?

You know what, I'm... I'm just...

I'm gonna take this
and put it right here.

Um, c-can you come over here?

Trying to think how to say this.

Um, Oscar... (CHUCKLES)

You know I love you, right?

Aw, I love you, too.

Did you know in two
weeks it'll be a year?

A year? Wow. (CHUCKLES)

That's a long time.

Yeah, so no matter what happens,
this is a real accomplishment.

Kudos to us. High five.

It's been the best year of my life.

Really? 'Cause when you were ,

your soccer team won state,
you went to space camp

and you saw Gwen Stefani live.

I mean, if that is not
the best year of your life,

that's B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I love how you listen to me.

He's not making this easy.

So, I've been thinking...

Yeah. Me, too.

About this.

KAT: Mmm.

Mm-hmm. Okay, that's-that's
very nice, but...

Oh. Mmm.

That's nice, too. (CHUCKLES)

♪ ♪

Get out of here, pervs.
I'll dump him tomorrow.

♪ ♪

We're just waiting on the X-rays,

then the doctor will be in.

So it won't be too much longer?

- Sure.
- Can I at least get some dr*gs?

Pain pills?

Sleeping pills?

Nicotine patch?

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER P.A.)

Hey.

(LAUGHS): What is this?

Well, it doesn't look
like we're gonna be making

our dinner reservation, so...

flowers for the table,
borrowed from a coma patient...

he is not gonna miss them...

uh, whiskey courtesy
of Milo the janitor.

He also invited us to a
poker game in the boiler room.

Weird, I used to play chess
in the basement with a janitor.

Oh, wait, that was The Queen's Gambit.

(BOTH LAUGH)

All right, and for the main course,

we have a loaf of...

Ooh, let's call it "meat."

And crème de poulet.

- I love cream of chicken soup.
- (GASPS)

You speak French. I lived
in France for a while.

Shut up. I did a
semester abroad in Paris.

Peut-être un jour on s'embrassera

sur les escaliers du Montmartre.

Oh, yeah, that sounds like words.

I'm only fluent in menu-French.

Uh, coq au vin, boeuf bourguignon,

oh, of course,

(FRENCH ACCENT): the French fries.

You didn't have to do all this.

(REGULAR ACCENT): Well, I
did punch you in the face.

Good point.

But thank you.

I just, I wanted tonight to be special.

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

This is cream of chicken, right?

I think so.

You sure it's not mushroom?

Ooh, would that be a problem?

I'm allergic, but it's not a big deal

unless my throat starts to... (GAGS)

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Emergency. Emergency!

Code soup!

♪ ♪

So, how'd it go with Oscar last night?

(SIGHS) I couldn't do it.

He was being so nice, there
just wasn't an opening.

Then we had sex, so obviously
I couldn't do it after that.

Why not?

You'd break up with someone after sex?

Oh, please, I broke up
with a guy during sex.

What did he do?

- It's what he didn't do.
- Oh.

Oh, yeah, well, hey, I got
nothing to worry about, then.

(LAUGHS)

- Ain't that right, baby?
- (LAUGHS) You're getting there.

Well, why the heck did you not
break up with him this morning?

Because, Phil, the flesh is weak.

I'll do it tonight, right after work.

Hey, guys, tonight, right after work,

drinks on me to celebrate my promotion.

(ALL CHEERING)

Love it. I mean, what else
would I be doing tonight?

You're the best. I'll see you later.

How can I be the best
when you're the best?

Shut up.

It's what he didn't do.

Congratulations on your promotion.

This could be the beginning
of great things for you.

- Aw, thank you.
- But let's not forget, you know,

to every beginning,
there has to be an ending.

You know, sometimes even good things,

they-they run their course and then...

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) ... it's over.

I think what she means to say
is, "Congratulations, baby."

Oh, yes. Thank you.
Congratulations, baby.

(LAUGHTER)

Uh, forgive me, but what
does a dispatcher do, exactly?

It-it's actually pretty cool.

Imagine Louisville
divided into four sectors.

No, wait, wait, wait. Um,
one, two, three... Okay.

I got it. Continue.

Each sector is divided into eight zones.

That's separate sector-zones.

Now, the dispatcher is...

well, remember Red Leader in Star Wars?

I feel like this is
going to be fascinating.

I should probably get another drink.

She's not coming back, is she?

I'll go find out.

So, after he punched
you, he poisoned you?

Uh-huh.

Why in the hell would you
want to go out with him again?

Hey, Carter, not helping.

Hey, Max, not trying to.

OSCAR: Excuse me, everyone.

I wrote a little song,
and I'd like to perform it.

What is he doing? What's he doing?

What is he doing?

♪ Sometimes you get lucky ♪

♪ And you get to meet someone ♪

♪ She's clumsy and she's funny ♪

♪ And she really loves a pun ♪

♪ She's paw-sitively purr-fect ♪

♪ Just take it from me ♪

♪ Without her in my life ♪

♪ I'd be a cat-astrophe... ♪

(LAUGHS): That's really great.

- ♪ Kat... ♪
- Oh, he's not done.

♪ She's all that ♪

♪ I'm smitten as a kitten ♪

♪ And I'm happy as a clam ♪

♪ The only thing I need to do ♪

♪ Is ask for her hand. ♪

- (ALL GASPING, OOHING)
- Oh, no. No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, is he really...

It's like a train
wreck. I can't look away.

Kat? Will you marry me?

- (OTHERS GASPING, OOHING)
- SHEILA: Yes.

She says yes.

Babe, what do you say?

Um...

Yes?

You've made me so happy.

Back at you. (LAUGHS)

- This calls for champagne.
- (WHOOPING)

I just need someone's credit card.

- Can you believe this?
- (LAUGHS)

No, I-I can't.

- Oh.
- Oh, it's beautiful.

And it fits perfectly.

Ugh. You'll have to
size it up for Katharine.

She has her father's beefy hands.

How about we put that
on my fiancée's finger?

- Of course.
- Oh.

(STRAINS): Squeeze it on, sweetheart.

(GRUNTS) Squeeze it on.

Oh. Can we get some butter over here?

Wow. (LAUGHS)

I love you.

Again, wow.

Just saying, that would've
been a pretty good time

- to break up with him.
- After he proposed?

I've done it.

♪ ♪

Hey. You okay?

Yeah, just, uh, needed
a break from my mother

explaining why she should
get to wear a white gown, too.

Well, some of the dresses she
was showing us are pretty nice.

And only one of them had a veil.

So...

Congratulations.

Remember when we were in college

and we used to finish
each other's sentences?

People would say, "It's
like they're reading

- each other's minds."
- (CHUCKLES): Yeah.

Can you still do it?

You are craving pizza.

Well, that's pretty
much all the time, Max.

- That's not very impressive.
- Hmm.

You got a lot more than
pizza on your mind, don't you?

I sure do.

(SIGHS) Look...

whatever you are feeling,

you've got to do what's best for you.

- But can't you just tell me what's best for me?
- Best for you?

No.

Sorry, not this time.

But if you do get that pizza, just...

- I know.
- BOTH: Half sausage, half olive.

Oh, hey, there you are.

Your mom wants to take some photos.

- Of me?
- The ring.

Your name didn't come up.

All right, well, I will
leave you guys to it.

Hey, that was one hell of a song, man.

Thanks, man. You make it seem
like writing songs is hard.

I knocked that baby out
in, like, minutes.

So, my sisters are already
planning your bachelorette party.

Do you want your stripper to
be a policeman or a fireman?

I don't need a bachelorette
party. But fireman.

Are you ready to go back inside?

Um, just a second.

What are you doing?

I can't marry you.

What?

I've been thinking about it
a lot lately, and I just...

I think, I think we should break up.

Why? Did I do something wrong?

I'm so sorry.

I don't understand.

I thought we were happy.

No, we were. You're so great.

It's just...

Something doesn't feel right.

Is this about Max?

What?

Did something happen between you two?

(STAMMERS)

- Unbelievable. Don't...
- No, Oscar, I...

(SOFTLY): Don't.

Oh, where's my ring?

I'm on Instagram Live, and
six people want to see it.

Hey, you okay?

- (ALL GASPING)
- NICOLE: Oh, my God!

- Oh, not his perfect face!
- What the hell?

Oh, that is a lot of blood...

I know you feel bad, but don't worry,

your next breakup will be easier.

Next? How many breakups do
you think I'm gonna have?

Fifteen, twenty?

Oh, no, wait, you're not a gay man.

Two or three.

No. No more breakups,
no more relationships.

Just me and the cats.

Oh. Well, screw you, Tabatha Christie.

How are you holding up, sweetheart?

Oh, it's not one of my better days.

What? What are you talking about?

Your first breakup had only one punch

and nobody called the police.

You crushed it.

You just need to be
strong. It's gonna be okay.

Thank you, Mother.

- (CRYING): I was so close.
- I know, I know.

♪ I'm done being your lucky charm ♪

♪ I'm not candy to wear on your arm ♪

♪ I'm royalty, baby ♪

♪ No trophy, don't know
me, you got me all wrong ♪

♪ Yeah, I never been one
to follow the rules ♪

♪ And I play to win, never lose ♪

♪ Might have had me confused ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm something brand-new,
gotta be what I choose ♪

♪ Oh, can't stop me now ♪

♪ Can't stop me now. ♪