05x20 - Moose Queens and Possum Kings

[bunniefuu]

[GASPS] I haven't seen you two in so long.

That's because you
trapped us in that box, Lou,

for years, I have so
much TV to catch up on.

[CLEARS THROAT]

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough to know

you can never teach me about
playing with puppets again.

What is all this stuff?

Well, I had to bring all my
childhood treasures up here

after possums took over the crawl space.

I only noticed when one of my tea
party guests started wiggling and bit me.

So that explains why all this is here,

but not why it's here

and why you're not
appropriately embarrassed.

My mom wanted me
to throw all this stuff out,

but I can't get rid of it. It's precious.

I will never forget the first time

I got Little Miss...

Little Miss.

Anyway, she's real special to me.

I'm going to tell you what I
told my great Aunt Georgie

who used to collect old newspapers, okay?

You've got to get yourself together, girl.

I just don't think I can let it all go.

I'll help you. We can
sell everything online.

You expect me to sell my Itty
Bitty Boppers audition tape?

No. Some things we'll throw away.

Can we at least watch it first?

I sang My Heart Will Go On
from Titanic, dressed as old Rose.

[GASPS]

I think I still have the nightgown
around here somewhere.

Again,

get yourself together, girl.

[WHISTLES] ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka

Parker, look what got
posted on the bulletin board.

It's a flyer for a contest to
be the summer Moose Queen.

Cool. Wait. Is the queen
a moose or a human?

What a ridiculous question.

Is what I would say if it
weren't a moose rump.

Uh... human.

Except for one year.

Phew! But she was quite the looker.

Wow! Was not expecting her to be in heels.

Anyway, apparently, the
greater Moosetropolitan area

selects a Moose Queen every summer.

Sounds like you want to compete.

I thought you left the pageant life behind.

I did,

but the winner receives
money for their favorite charity.

I could finally buy the lake cleaning
machine I've been saving up for.

Hold on.

This flyer says you can't compete

unless you're at least .

Or four in moose years.

What?

How dare you?

I am very mature for my age, you...

Meanie tangerinies!

Look, maybe we could find someone over

to compete and agree to
donate the winnings to the lake.

Maybe. But where would we
find someone with the confidence

and competitive spirit to actually win?

Hah! You lost, Marvin.

Call me Your Majesty
because I am the queen.

Why are you guys looking at me like that?

Just picturing you in an antler tiara.

Nadine, there you are.

I heard possums had
taken over Lou's crawlspace.

Sounds like a job for a camp superhero,

Nadine the Machine.

Sorry, Finn, but The Machine is retired.

Wait, aren't you The Machine?

You know I don't
understand the third person.

Now I'm Nadine, the grown-up.

These days, I'm all about doing my taxes

and asking kids to use their inside voice.

But being a superhero is in your DNA.

It's who you are.

It's who I was.

From here on out, I'm just
an adult who hates Mondays

and needs to buy a spin
bike to feel alive again.

You be well now.

Hmm.

Sounds like someone forgot who she is.

And who better to remind her than...

a super villain.

[CHUCKLES]

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

Sorry, I got a little carried away there.

Okay, if we're going
to sell your stuff online,

we need to price everything first.

How much for this?$ , .

What? I took that writer to class with me

through all of high
school when I was little.

The memories are priceless.

We'll say three bucks, settle for two.

Now, how much for this rope?

Oh, that's not for sale.

That was my first lasso, little cowpoke.

[CHUCKLES] Wrangled
up a lot of mischief with this.

And corgis. Harder
than you think. Tiny legs.

Lou, just because
you're letting go of things

doesn't mean you're
letting go of the memories.

You're right.

I can do this.

That's the spirit.

-How much?
-A million!

I'm going to handle the pricing, okay?

Cool. Cool.

Oh, man!

Hey, Ava, would you be interested in...

No.

But I was just going to ask you to enter

the summer Moose Queen competition.

Oh, well, in that case, heck, no.

Did I mention the big cash prize?

How big of a cash prize?

A giant cash prize
that you will give to me.

Oh, so close.

Come on, Ava.

It's to finally buy the machine

that can vacuum up
all the trash in the lake.

I don't know. I'm not
really a pageant kind of girl.

I usually avoid anything
that involves strutting

or sparkling or painting my teeth.

You don't paint your teeth.

See, this is exactly why
I'm not the right girl for this.

Please!

It's for a good cause.

And you know how important this is to me.

Fine, I'll do it.

But I don't have to dress
up like a moose, do I?

Don't be silly.

You just may have to compete against one.

Yeah, that tracks.

Hey, Nadine.

Hey, Lou.

Working hard or hardly working.

Am I right?

Fine. When I said I was going
to that camp directors conference,

I was actually just
taking a nap in my cabin.

And I now realize you
didn't expect an answer.

How are you?

Just counting the
days till I retire to Boca.

Yeah.

Okay.

Nadine! Quick! Follow me.

There's an emergency in the mess hall

that needs your immediate attention.

Shh!

[READING]

Ah! Mama needed that. You were saying?

You need to come right away.

It's about your k.

Ooh, let's hurry!

What a mess!

It was the possums!

Worst of all, they got into the kitchen

and wiped out our entire
mound of round supply,

then left their own little mounds of brown.

Ah! Poop jokes.

Reminds me of my childhood.

This camp needs The Machine.

This camp needs an exterminator.

And make sure you check the online reviews

or you're gonna get hosed.

But it's worse than that.

The possums are coordinated now.

In fact, their leader left a note.

"Eek! Eek! Hiss! Hiss! This camp is mine.

"No one can stop me. Hugs and hisses.

"The Possum King. Roar."

Wow!

Sounds like a super villain to me.

Something has to be done.

-I agree.
-Yes!

Lou should file an
insurance claim immediately.

No!

Well, back to the grind.

Minivans don't pay for themselves.

I guess it's time to up the thr*at.

Or else I collected all that
possum poop for nothing.

Okay. There are three segments

of the Summer Moose Queen competition.

Talent, question-answer and evening wear.

I wear clothes in the
evening all the time. Check!

Let's practice the question
and answer portion.

Parker is going to be our judge.

Don't worry, I'm tough, but fair,

if you couldn't tell by my judge's monocle.

Couldn't.

[CLEARS THROAT]

If you were an ice cream
flavor, which would you be?

Well, that's a dumb question.

[BUZZER SOUNDS][GASPS]

Nope! Wrong answer. No crown for you.

Okay, I'm gonna need
you to bring it down to a ten.

It's my bad. My sister
used to be in pageants.

I always wanted to join
in and wear a monocle.

I'm living two dreams right now.

Well, this is my nightmare.

How am I supposed to know
what ice cream flavor I am?

You just need to say some nonsense

that you think the judges want to hear.

Like I feel like I'm Rocky Road

because my life has been a rocky road.

But I persevered and now enjoy
savoring every last bite of existence.

Save the whales. Thank you.

Again, how did the moose do this?

Okay, let's try another question.

Ava, what would you do to
make the world a better place?

Round up all the buttheads, and
launch them into outer space! Boom!

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Oh, come on! That was a
great answer. Don't be so judgy.

Kind of my job. Not
hitting this buzzer for fun.

Okay, yes, I am.

Ava, focus!

If you only had one wish, what would it be?

Is my wish allowed to be
about the annoying buzzer?

Do it! I dare you!

Okay, let's work on the
talent portion instead.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Sorry. It was an accident. My hand slipped.

[BUZZER SOUNDS] That
wasn't! Save the whales!

May I help you?

I have got all my stuff
boxed up and ready to sell.

I just wanted to come by and
say thank you for all your help.

You're welcome. Congrats
on living your best life.

Love you. Bye!

Why won't you open the door all the way?

Excellent question.

Anyway, it's great catching up. Be blessed.

What are you hiding?

[GASPS]

Talk!

Seeing all your junk
made me miss all my junk.

So I had my mom send it here.

You're worse than me.

And I saved other kids' baby teeth.

I'm so... Really?

I'm so sorry, Lou,

but I didn't want you to
know I have a problem, too.

Holding on to things runs in my family.

I'm basically my Aunt Georgie. Minus
the weird obsession with drinkable yogurt.

What about all those wise words
you said about letting things go?

I was just repeating things people
have said to me that never works.

Also, I just wanted you
to let your guard down

so I could buy that sweet, sweet rhino.

So, we both have -a problem, right?
-Right.

And we need to do -something about it, right?
-Right.

-But we're not gonna?
-Nope.

-Cool. Enjoy your stuff.
-Enjoy your stuff.

Sorry, I can't make noodle necklaces,

I wanna get these numbers
crunched, so I can b*at rush hour traffic.

[ROARING]

Citizens of Camp Kikiwaka, bow down
before me! For I am the Possum King.

Nadine, it's actually me, Finn.

Yeah, I got that.

Prepare for my reign of terror!

It's going to be trash for
breakfast, trash for lunch,

trash for dinner! And for dessert...

S'mores.

It's still camp.

Finn, please stop!

Only Nadine The Machine can stop me.

But she's nowhere to be
found. So the camp is mine!

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

Oh, no! I'm sorry.

I mean, this is just the kind of
chaos you can expect from me,

but I'll totally help
you clean it up later.

Why are you doing this?

I'm giving The Machine
a supervillain to fight,

so she can remember who she really is.

A superhero!

[KIDS LAUGHING]

I already told you, I'm done with that!

Could someone help the
Possum King off the table?

I keep tripping over my tail.

So, for talent, what're we thinking?

Ooh, I got something.
How 'bout a little of this?

I meant for Ava.

I know. I just wanted to show off a little.

Why don't I just sing?

Oh, Ava.

Sweet, naive Ava.

You can't sing at the
competition. Everyone does.

The moose probably did.

But the moose didn't play guitar.

Of course not. Stand-up bass.

We need pizzazz, something
that'll bring the "wow" factor.

Something...

with a top hat.

I have a feeling I'm
not going to like this.

I was right.

I, too, think that this is a bad idea.

The judges are always
impressed by magic acts.

You just need to make them
believe you're driving this into Parker.

If you do it right, they'll love you.

And if you don't, well,
scars build character.

You know, this thing's
starting to feel a little tight.

No, I can't do it.

You're not even trying.

Put the bar in, aim for the heart

and just shove it through his body.

But I love my body!

All right!

Here goes.

One.

Two.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

I'm fine.

[GROANS] I can't do this.

But you have to.

I'm sorry, Destiny.

This isn't me. None of it is.

This isn't about you.

This is about the lake.

I've been trying to clean
it up for two summers.

And you said you would help.

But, Destiny... It's fine.

I guess I shouldn't have
gotten my hopes up.

You look like you could use a hug.

Which I could give you if I
wasn't trapped in a m*rder box.

I've got to find a way to fix this.

Wait, wait!

Oh, no. My nose has an itch.

Oh, Lou!

Thank goodness. Please get me out!

You know what?

I don't see a problem here.

Lou. Lou!

No!

I shouldn't have drank all that water.

Come on, Lil' Cowpoke. You
are embarrassing yourself.

Hey there, Machine, where's your cape?

Or are you sticking with
your mild-mannered alter ego?

I'm done with the whole superhero thing.

I might turn the cape into a nice set
of hand towels that are for display only.

Why the change?

Well, the other day I was all ready to play

heroes and villains with the other PeeWees.

I had sharpened my
boomerang and everything.

Wish I didn't know that.

But none of them wanted to play

because they're not into
superhero stuff anymore.

They said it's for babies.

So, I guess that means
I need to grow up, too.

Nadine, nobody can tell you
when it's time for you to grow up.

If being The Machine brings
you joy, then that's all that matters.

Take it from a girl who just
put on a stuffed animal wedding.

The bachelorette party was insane!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Well, if you haven't grown
up yet, and you're really old...

Easy!

Does that mean I can
be a superhero forever?

You should be a superhero for
as long as it makes you happy.

Thanks, Lou.

Cool lasso, by the way.

Oh, would you like to play with it?

Are you kidding me?

Yes!

I can see myself getting into
a lot of trouble with this thing.

How does she handle corgis?

Real nice.

You know, I may end up regretting
this, but you should keep it.

Whoa! Are you serious?

This is so cool.

Thanks, Lou.

Hey there.

Oh, no. It's the bachelorette
party all over again.

AVA: Come on, Ava.

You got this.

Ava.

If you have to give yourself a pep
talk, then you need to eat more fiber.

Whoa!

I really wanted to nail my look for
the evening wear portion of the contest.

What do you think?

I think you're stunning.

Oh, thank you.

And I've been working on
the Q&A portion for hours.

How's this?

If I were an ice cream flavor,
I would be no ice cream.

The environmental impact of cow's methane
emissions contributes to climate change.

So enjoy your mint chocolate chip
knowing that we'll all die of cow farts.

Thank you.

Wow! That speech was great.

Maybe you could bury
the cow farts in the middle?

And check this out! I've finally
gotten the hang of the runway walk.

[GRUNTS]

Ow, sorry.

I think my body is rejecting the heels.

Ava, why are you doing this?

I thought you were going to quit.

I felt really bad that I
was letting you down.

I get how much this means to you,

and if it means a lot to you,
then it means a lot to me.

So if I have to stay
up all night perfecting

my pull-a-hat-
out-of-a-rabbit-trick, then so be it.

It's actually pull-a-rabbit-
out-of-a-hat-trick.

Then I need to apologize to some rabbits.

Ava, I don't want you
to do the competition.

I never should have forced you
to do something that isn't you.

If anyone knows how that feels, it's me.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Destiny.

I'm sorry I can't help you win the money,

but who knows, maybe you'll
find somebody else to compete.

Mmm, I doubt it.

Winning a pageant takes a
certain kind of "wow" factor.

BOTH: Wow.

I know, right? This is how I
plan to enter rooms from now on.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Oh, just picturing you in an antler tiara.

All I wanted to do was play a
simple game of heroes and villains

with The Machine, but no!

You call that a pour?

Possum King!

I have come for you.

The Machine!

You're back!

I mean, The Machine.

You're back.

Your days are numbered.

Time to meet my lasso of justice.

Oh, no, not Lil' Cowpoke!

You remember I'm just Finn, right?

Prepare to eat rope!

[YELLS][GROANS]

You aren't really hurt, are you?

No, I drank too much milk.

Just letting things settle.

[GROANS]

It's good to have you back, Machine.

It's good to be back.

Now.

Fellow PeeWees!

It's time to exterminate this
Possum King once and for all!

Who's with me?

[ALL YELLING]

Get him!

Donating all our stuff was a good idea.

Yeah, seeing how happy Nadine
was with my lasso made me realize

I haven't enjoyed it that much in years.

Giving my toys away
is the right thing to do.

And I'm so glad you convinced
me to give up my stuff too.

All these old trophies are going to make
some kids out there feel very validated.

As long as their name is Noah Lambert.

Well, you helped me realize I will
always have all my fun memories.

And now it's time for new kids to make
memories with our stuff. Right, Noah?

Noah?

No! I got my first
standing ovation in these!

I mean, everyone was standing to
leave, and no one was clapping, but still!

I see we still have work to do.

Get yourself together, man!

They're my babies!

Hear ye, hear ye!

Your Moose King has arrived.

I shall be a benevolent ruler over all
my subjects, human and moose alike.

And when I'm having a
good hair day, I better hear it.

You know you're not an actual king, right?

Tell that to the moose who bowed to me.

I can't believe your answer for the Q&A
portion moved judge number three to tears.

I can't believe all the judges
were actually wearing monocles.

Thanks again for all your
help. The lake cleaning machine

will be here in a couple days.

You might also want to order

a kitchen cleaning machine
because the last time I checked,

it was full of possum poop.

Looking good, Moose King.

Right back at you, Possum King.

This is a weird day.