02x09 - Nyet, Nyet — Not Yet

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship's aground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

[Snoring]

[Snoring]

Whoo, it sounds like a jet plane

With asthma.

[Snort]

[Engine whistling overhead]

Skipper, wake up! Skipper, wake up!

I'm awake, gilligan.

Leave me alone,

And you better have a good reason

For waking me up.

I do, skipper. Come on, and look.

Come on. Look at what?

Up there, look.

You woke me up to look at a falling star?!

Maybe it's a flying saucer.

It's a falling star.

Maybe it's men from mars.

It's a falling star, gilligan!

Now, hit the sack.

[Yawns]

Gilligan: boy, those falling stars are sure scary at night.

I don't mind them during the day,

But at night, when it gets dark, skipper...

Gilligan, how can you possible see

A falling star during the daytime?

Easy. Wait till it gets dark.

Well, at least you know

It wasn't a flying saucer.

No, no, a falling star goes... [Whistles]

But a flying saucer goes... [Humming]

[Still humming]

Gilligan!

I'm right behind you.

I know where you are.

Look!

Men from mars!

What are you two hiding from?

Take a look for yourself, professor.

We've been found!

By martians. They're not martians.

They're not the smothers brothers.

They're astronauts.

We're saved!

Hello! Welcome.

Welcome.

Skipper: are we glad to see you.

Now, I'm the skipper of the s.s. Minnow,

And we went aground here...

We're stranded here.

I'm gilligan.

Never mind your name, gilligan,

We're trying to find out what theirs are.

I am igor.

Skipper: igor.

This is comrade ivan.

He does not speak english.

We are russian cosmonauts.

Russian?!

Welcome to our island.

Thank you.

Comrade ivan and I are colonels

In soviet space program.

I regret to say that we have

Missed landing target and, uh,

Landed here by accident.

Ivan wants me to assure you

That we will all be saved

By great and glorious soviet navy

Which will come and take us all back home to moscow.

Oh, boy, we're going home to moscow.

What am I so happy about?

I don't live in moscow.

[Speaking russian]

Tell me, igor,

How long do you think it'll be

Before we're rescued?

If we're lucky, it'll take long time.

How about that? A russian wolfhound.

How are you gonna get us off the island?

By submarine.

Our navy knows by now

That we have missed target.

I think we better go.

We have packing and laundry and things to do.

You scare girls.

So?

So, comrade, you are no comrade.

Darling, they look nice enough.

So does the russian ruble, my dear,

But it's not exactly the american dollar.

You know, dear, we really ought to go out and meet them.

After all, they are our guests.

Don't forget who we are and who they are.

Of course not, dear.

We're the chaps in the white hats.

They're the chaps in the black hats.

Lovey, would you please come away from that door?

You know, dear, they promised to take us to moscow.

Well, now, who do we know in moscow?

Oh, of course, dear. You're right again.

And they probably don't even have a blue book there.

A red one perhaps.

So we just keep our distance.

Yes, but being aloof is such bad manners, darling.

Once again, your diplomacy and tact have overwhelmed me.

All right, we'll go meet them,

But, remember, they won't be friendly, my dear.

And no cracks about russian tailors or their subways.

They're very sensitive.

Gentlemen, I am thurston howell iii,

And this, of course, is my wife

Mrs. Thurston howell iii.

Charmed.

Capitalist! Exploiter!

Capitalist exploiter...

I was wrong, lovey, they're very friendly.

What manners.

I explain once more.

It's simple enough.

We just pull the capsule in and beach it.

Capsule must not tip.

Capsule mustn't tip.

Must not let water get in.

Must not let water get in.

Oh, gilligan!

I'm just translating.

Never mind. I can understand english.

Now, everybody in line. You... In back.

Me and ivan in middle... And you in front.

[Both speaking russian]

I suppose you wonder why I've called you together for this meeting.

I wasn't wondering, I was sleeping.

Could've left him sleeping.

Gentlemen, have you ever heard of a space capsule with a one-way radio?

Well, come to think of it, no.

Professor, what are you driving at?

The possibility that those russians didn't land here by mistake.

You mean they're planning to take over the island and use it for a base?

Oh. Then when they take us to moscow...

Professor, how cold does it get in siberia?

We could be jumping to conclusions.

Actually, we don't have any facts.

Don't confuse the facts.

I just don't trust these fellas.

I'm with mr. Howell.

I don't trust these chaps, either.

Then we're even.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't think they trust us chaps, either.

Igor...

You believe they are shipwrecked?

Of course not.

Must be secret american space program.

These americans... They think they can fool us.

Especially gilligan. He acts too stupid to be stupid.

Must be the cleverest one of them all.

Now, if I could just get inside that capsule,

I think I could send a message.

But they're guarding it night and day.

I, thurston howell iii, can outwit russians.

I hope it's one of your sneakiest plans.

Gentlemen, allow me to show you

How the spy business really works.

Agent - - reporting, sir.

Hello.

[Speaking russian]

Where's your friend?

He's in jungle sleeping for to keep cold.

I am here alone.

Not anymore... Tall, dark, and russian.

Wait!

Where do you go?

Oh, why, uh, just going for a little stroll...

And a moonlight swim.

This is good place for swim, too.

But the other side of the island is much better.

Why don't you come along?

I have to stay and guard capsule.

You can't have everything, big boy.

He got the message.

I didn't even know she could speak russian.

What are we looking for?

A radio. Oh.

I don't see anything marked "radio."

You probably have, gilligan, but it's marked in russian.

Now you just stand aside

And don't touch anything.

[Pinging]

That's probably it.

I wonder what's causing that.

Gilligan, I asked you not to touch anything, didn't i?

Yeah.

[Electricity crackling]

[Pinging stops]

Now you've shorted out the whole electrical system.

The radio's dead.

[Gasps]

So are we.

Turn faster!

Turn faster, gilligan.

They were sure mad last night.

Well, they're gonna be a lot madder

If this device doesn't generate enough power for them.

You call yourself engineer?

Phooey!

Remember who got us into trouble.

So I made little mistake.

Say that in kremlin, you get big laugh.

Very funny. Ha ha!

Professor, go ask them again.

They can't keep saying no forever.

All right.

Igor?

Nyet!

You're wrong, skipper.

They can keep saying no forever.

But don't go away.

[Speaking russian]

He'll let you come in if you promise

Not to look on nothing but broken radio.

It's a deal.

You keep that thing going, gilligan.

Don't worry, professor, you got my personal guarantee

That he'll keep pumping.

, , , . Stroke, stroke, stroke.

Oh, I'm gonna have a stroke if somebody doesn't relieve me pretty soon.

Wait a minute, skipper. Listen.

[Radio receiver whistling]

The radio. The professor fixed the radio.

[Pinging]

Attaboy, professor, you showed 'em real american know-how.

Well, I'm just glad the radio's working again.

We have received message from submarine.

They will arrive tomorrow at : .

Tomorrow morning, : . We'll be ready! We'll be ready!

[Sonar pinging]

This calls for celebration.

With what... Coconut milk?

I have for you big surprise.

Hold it.

You bring vodka... On spaceship?!

Only way to fly!

Ginger, I'm so excited. I can't believe we're really going home.

What I can't figure out

Is how could someone fix something gilligan broke?

Well, the professor did. The submarine will be here tomorrow.

Girls, I'm in terrible trouble.

What's wrong?

I haven't any room for my mink.

All those bags and trunks and no room for my favorite fur.

We'll put it in our bag, mrs. Howell.

Oh, that's dear of you.

Now, back to packing.

You know, I never packed before. It's really lots of fun.

Ginger, just think, this wonderful soft fur comes from mink.

In hollywood, they come from wolves.

Girls... I haven't any room for my sable.

Oh, we'll pack it for you, mrs. Howell.

Oh, I don't know what I'd do without you.

Ooh, mink and sable.

I'd just like to crawl right in there with them.

You'd suffocate.

But what a way to go.

Mrs. Howell: girls!

Her persian lamb bikini?

Her cashmere girdle?

Oh, girls.

Ooh, leopard!

Ohh, it really has great sentimental value.

We raised the little darling ourselves.

We'll try to make room for it, mrs. Howell.

Now... I'm all through with my packing.

If you girls need any help, just call on me.

Now close it.

Ginger, I don't think it's gonna close.

Mmm. Be careful.

Hi, girls. You all packed?

Mary ann: hi, gilligan. Come on in, and hurry.

What are you doing sitting on the suitcase?

We can't close it.

Well, that's silly.

We can't get off. It'll explode.

Here, let me. I'll close it for you.

Aah! Aah!

Igor: why we must leave them here?

Ivan: igor, you are dumbbell.

You are smart?!

We land capsule in wrong place, no?

Da.

People come back and tell world we made goof.

I got question... How mad is moscow, huh?

I got answer... How cold is siberia?

Ivan: so we tie them up and leave them here.

How we tie them up?

We no got g*n.

Ah.

I no got answer.

[Snaps fingers]

I got answer.

We invite them to celebration...

Drink toasts, get them drunk.

Igor!

Good idea!

We got plenty vodka in capsule.

Sure. Russian men can drink more than american men.

Is only men.

Is .

Is sailor, is teacher, is rich capitalist, is...

You are right, ivan.

Is men... And one gilligan.

I tell you, it's a dastardly shame.

I think I have a solution.

When they offer us a drink,

We'll say we're not thirsty.

Gilligan, they'd get suspicious.

Now, we must drink with them, according to protocol.

Oh, is that ivan or igor protocol?

Protocol isn't a person, gilligan. It's the proper way to do things.

Besides, if we don't drink with them, they may do something drastic.

Maybe they've got weapons or something that'll blow our heads off.

Must you be so graphic?

Maybe the solution is to drink them under the table.

Unfortunately, I'm allergic to alcohol.

Skipper, maybe you could drink them under the table.

Well, maybe, gilligan, but I'm great with scotch or bourbon,

But when it comes to that vodka,

I go to sleep like a little baby.

How about you, mr. Howell?

With all those parties and banquets you go to,

Maybe you can drink 'em under the table.

Well, the howell taste buds are very delicate.

The only beverage I drink is made from french grapes

Crushed by the toes of brigitte bardot... Little purple feet.

All I can drink is water.

Wait a minute. Gilligan has moments of brilliance.

Was I brilliant?

Gilligan, you said the magic word.

They'll drink vodka, and we drink water.

But, mr. Howell, how can we drink water when they're drinking vodka?

Wait a minute. Just... Come here.

Quarterback howell will outline the plan to the team here.

[Whispering]

Then you... Me?

Why always me?

[Thump]

You heard something?

I heard something.

Then go. Look.

[Thump]

Igor!

I don't see something.

I don't see something, too.

[Clink]

This way! This way!

What a delightful gathering.

We'd better go, girls, and let the men put their scheme into effect.

I hope gilligan didn't mark the wrong bottle.

Why would he make a mistake like that?

Oh, you're right.

Oh, I hope he did mark the right bottle. Come on.

[All talking at once]

Did you like the food?

Great meal.

Nothing is too good for our friends across the sea, as we say.

And to prove that we are so good friends to you,

Ivan has big surprise.

Ivan with the blue eyes.

Oh, ho, what an unexpected pleasure!

Bring for to drink.

Hurry up, gilligan.

We will make big toast to great russia.

Ahh!

Wait a minute, igor. May I look at the bottle?

What for you want to look?

He wants to see if it's a vintage year.

He's a gourmet, a connoisseur.

Oh ho, that's a bad year.

Perhaps this one's better for soft americans.

Oh, that's a good year!

Mr. Howell: smooth as water.

Now we will pour.

You from your bottle, me from mine.

That's the democratic way. I'll buy that.

There you are, skipper.

[All talking]

Now... Stand up.

Stand up. Stand.

To homeland.

[Clink]

Stop!

In our country, we have great tradition...

Change glasses.

Change glasses?

Yes, yes, of course.

To homeland!

To homeland. To... To homeland.

Stop!

In our country, we have a custom.

We always change glasses, too.

[Everyone talking at once]

Now everybody drink.

[Clinking]

Mm, that's beautiful!

Ahh!

Really tastes good.

You like!

I like very much.

Gentlemen, I propose a toast to the united states of america.

All: to the united states of america.

Oh, here, have another one.

To the united states.

There you go. Here.

To friendly relations.

I'll drink to anyone's relations.

[Singing and shouting]

Boy, you were marvelous, igor.

I pour another drink.

Another drink!

Then get up on the table again!

It's empty.

It's empty, well... Use yours.

We are now friends, no?

Gilligan, you better let go.

What do you know, he's allergic to water.

Oh ho, they'll sleep for hours.

Good. We ought to drag them down to the space capsule.

No. Leave them here the way they were gonna leave us.

That wouldn't be fair.

It wouldn't be smart, either.

We want their countrymen to see them.

Exactly. Gilligan, get this one's feet.

Mr. Howell, you give me a hand with this fella.

I like the little one. He's easier to lift.

Mr. Howell, struggling: the last time... I did this...

Was with my brother-in-law.

Ah! To think that I'd be seen working for the proletariat.

I thought they were russians.

Never mind that, gilligan.

Go get the girls, get our stuff packed, and get back here.

Maybe I ought to stay here and guard them.

Nobody's gonna steal them. Now, come on, let's go.

The capsule is gone!

Skipper: the russians are gone, too.

And you said nobody'd steal 'em.

But they said : .

That's odd behavior

For people who pride themselves on precision.

This is no time for a lecture on ethnic cultures.

But they weren't supposed to be arriving for hours.

Oh... No.

Gilligan, what time is it?

: .

Are you sure it isn't : ?

Nope, I checked it this morning.

The announcer said, "it is now : a.m.

This is wkmu manila."

And that's when I set my watch.

Gilligan, there's hours difference between here and manila.

That's easy to fix. I'll just set my watch ahead hours.

There.

Now it's : .

No wonder the submarine got here.

Yes, no wonder the submarine got here!

[Angry shouting]

[Music plays on radio]

Shall I try another station, gilligan?

Yeah, skipper, go ahead.

Newsman: and now on the international scene...

Tass, the russian news agency reports

That, after completing orbits... A new record...

Russian cosmonauts were picked up in the black sea

By a russian submarine just inches from their target area.

Inches from their target area!

Where's the black sea?

Well, gilligan, it's not in the middle of the pacific,

Which is where we are and which is where they landed.

I wonder why they said a thing like that.

Oh, because they're afraid to admit that they goofed.

I don't see why. I always admit it when I goof.

For instance, for years you've been trying to teach me a square knot,

And I still don't do it right.

No. And never mind that now, gilligan.

And yesterday you asked me to tie up this hammock,

And I tried to make a square knot, but I think I goofed.

Gilligan!

Yup, I goofed.

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

No phone... No lights...

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪