02x16 - Not Guilty

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gilligan's Island". Aired: September 26, 1964 – April 17, 1967.*
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Series follows the comic adventures of seven castaways as they try to survive on an island where they are shipwrecked.
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02x16 - Not Guilty

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Just sit right back ♪

♪ And you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailing man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day ♪

♪ For a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship's aground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire ♪

♪ And his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

Skipper!

Skipper!

Skipper... What is it, gilligan?

What have you got there?

I don't know, but it's puttin' up a terrible fight.

Here, let me help you.

[Straining]

Well, gilligan, don't let it bite you

When you take the hook out.

Wait a minute, skipper. Look.

Look, gilligan! A crate of food!

This is great!

After having coconuts for so long,

Anything'd be a treat. Yes!

Coconuts. Coconuts.

Well, at least we've got some newspapers to read.

Maybe we can fill up on the food ads.

Hey, gilligan.

That's a honolulu newspaper!

Hmm.

Well, listen to this.

I can't believe it. It's about us.

I haven't talked to any reporters lately. Have you?

"Survivors of the minnow,

"Which left honolulu immediately after the m*rder,

Are being sought for questioning."

m*rder?!

"All other suspects have been cleared,

"And it is believed that one of the persons

"Aboard the missing minnow...

Is the k*ller."

Skipper, I got it. I know who did the m*rder.

You... You know who... Who did it?

The butler.

Gilligan, we don't have a butler.

I used to watch everything on tv,

And it was always the butler.

Gilligan, we don't have a butler.

I remember the case of the wrinkled minks.

Everyone thought the maid was guilty,

But it was the butler.

Gilligan...

He didn't even look like a m*rder*r,

But that didn't fool perry mason.

He whispered somethin' to drake,

And drake got up and ran out of the courtroom.

Gilligan, we don't have a...

And then he ran right back in again,

And he whispered something to mr. Mason.

Then mr. Mason stood up

And pointed his finger at the butler and said,

"There is your m*rder*r!"

All right, gilligan, it is the butler.

We don't have a butler.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Oh, yeah.

Now, sit down and try and reason this thing out.

Now, what's happened in every m*rder case

That you ever read about?

Somebody gets k*lled.

Right. Oh, gilligan, I give up.

Don't worry, skipper. I got a few ideas.

What we have to look for is the most innocent- looking person,

And that person will be guilty.

The most innocent-looking person?

Yeah.

And which one of us might that be?

It's the professor, naturally.

He's the most innocent- looking person,

So he's gotta be guilty.

The professor wouldn't k*ll a fly, gilligan.

Yeah. He's savin' up his strength to k*ll people.

I'm gonna sneak out and warn the others.

No, you're not.

We're going over and talk to the professor together.

That way, I'll prove to you that he's not a k*ller.

Ah, gentlemen, you're just in time.

We are?

Skipper, we gotta get outta here.

Oh, wait, gilligan. I wanna show you how this operates,

Especially since I designed it mostly for you.

Me?

Is that what I think it is?

A guillotine? Yes. And believe me,

It's going to eliminate a lot of manpower.

I believe you.

Now, watch how simple it's going to be to chop coconuts.

And it never misses.

[Stammering] we'll see you later, professor.

I think my little buddy here

Has developed kind of a sore throat.

Oh, I can take care of that.

Uh... [Hoarsely] never mind.

Are you all right, little buddy?

I think so, skipper.

Skipper, mary ann and ginger.

What about them?

We gotta warn them about the professor.

But we have no proof that the professor's the m*rder*r.

Oh, no?

Who else here on the island

Owns a loaded guillotine?

Oh, good. We got here in time.

In time for what?

We have something very important to tell you.

Now, wait a minute, gilligan.

Let's not get all excited.

It's very possible, you know, that we...

What at you girls cooking?

Poison.

Poison?

Poison?

Yeah. We found some wild oleander on the island.

Oleanders? But, girls, that stuff can be deadly.

So we heard. Keep stirring, mary ann.

Otherwise, it'll spoil.

Yeah. Spoiled poison can be very bad for you.

Well, would you mind telling us

What you're making the poison for?

To get rid of the mice around the hut.

To get rid of the... Heh heh.

Did you hear that, gilligan?

To get rid of the mice around the hut.

Oh, really?

That's right.

And if it works, we're gonna try to get rid

Of some other horrible creatures around here, too.

Oh, what was it you wanted to tell us?

Never mind, ginger.

We'll see you later, girls.

Gilligan, what are you doing?

Tryin' to keep from getting k*lled while I'm still alive.

For goodness sakes, will you forget it?

Well, what about the professor and his... And his guillotine?

The professor made that guillotine

To split open the coconuts,

And we've got to believe that until we can prove otherwise.

Skipper, it's gonna be pretty hard to prove otherwise

When your head's rolling around in a basket.

Gilligan, will you take it easy?

And how about mary ann and ginger,

Makin' soup out of those poison flowers?

We're not sure the girls were making soup. Oh?

Skipper, when I go, I want the flowers on the outside,

Not on the inside.

Gilligan, will you take it easy?

Don't forget, skipper,

Before we were shipwrecked,

We didn't know any of these people.

Gilligan, that's right.

What about the professor?

We don't know anything about him...

What he is, where he is, where he's from.

He might not even be a professor.

And what about ginger and mary ann?

They say they're girls, but how do we know?

Boy, you'd better see your eye doctor.

It might be a very clever disguise.

Forget it, sherlock.

Maybe the paper'll give us another clue.

Let's see. It says here...

They're looking for the witnesses in the blake m*rder case.

They have shed no light on the crime...

For goodness sake!

Skipper, does it say how mr. Blake was k*lled?

Yes, gilligan.

He was k*lled with a spear g*n,

You know, the kind of g*n you use underwater.

That's it, skipper. All we have to do

Is find somebody that can sh**t a spear g*n,

And we've got the m*rder*r.

Gilligan, all you have to do to fire a spear g*n

Is have a finger on the trigger to press it.

Oh. Well, the professor and the girls are still good suspects.

They've got fingers.

Gilligan, please. I'm trying to think.

Me, too.

We have suspects.

Of course, we know that the howells are completely innocent.

That's one nice thing about being rich.

The only thing you'd be guilty of is having money.

That's right. And another thing is...

Hey, wait a minute, gilligan.

How do we know that the howells are all that rich?

They had a whole trunk full of money. They showed it to us.

But how do we know that they didn't steal it?

Skipper, when you're as rich as the howells,

You don't have to steal.

Gilligan, I think all that fancy rich talk

Is just a front.

I'll bet maybe that the howells are the K*llers.

[Whispering] I don't see any evidence.

Let's go.

[Whispering] gilligan, start looking for something

That will tie them in with the blake m*rder case.

You know, letters, a diary, notes... Something.

Oh, gilligan.

Look, little buddy. Look what I found.

A g*n.

Yes. Mr. Howell never told us he had one of these.

I think I found something.

It feels like a newspaper.

Good going.

You know how criminals are.

They like to see their names in the paper and read about themselves.

Where'd you find this?

Mr. Howell's pants pocket. What does it say?

Well, it says... "Survivors of the minnow..."

Gilligan, for goodness sakes,

You didn't find this in howell's pocket.

You found it in my pocket!

Shh!

Me "shh"? You're the one who's doin' all the shouting.

Be quiet.

Teddy bear fell off. I'll go get it.

[Snoring]

Mmm! Thank you.

You're welcome.

Gilligan!

Who said that?

[Whispering] nobody. Nobody. Nobody.

Gilligan, be quiet.

What was that, dear?

No, i... I didn't say anything.

Oh.

No, I was... I was just talking to gilligan.

Gilligan?!

And the skipper.

I didn't hear anybody knock.

Did you, thurston?

Neither did i. What are you two doing here?

Well, mr. And mrs. Howell, it's just the idea that, uh...

We thought we saw a wild animal run in here.

Oh, good gracious!

What was it?

A lion. A bear.

Don't you even know which?

It was a bear. A lion.

It was a bare lion.

A bear lion.

Yeah. [Both stammering]

Yeah. Where did he go?

I think he went out this way.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, big lion. Here, lion bear.

Inadequate police protection.

Gilligan: somebody on the island a m*rder*r?

Who?

Mary ann? Ginger?

Mr. Howell? The professor?

Skipper: people, and one of them a k*ller.

Which one?

What if it isn't any of them?

What if it's... Could it be... Skipper?

How well do I really know him?

Women, men.

Wait a minute.

What about gilligan?

What do I really know about gilligan?

Am I sleeping in the same room with a k*ller?

Sure, skipper calls me his little buddy,

But what does that prove?

Gilligan. His bungling,

That disarming grin on his face...

Could it all be an act?

Behind those laughing blue eyes,

Is there a loaded revolver

Ready to k*ll me in my sleep?

Is gilligan really gilligan...

Or a master criminal capable of slaying me

Right here in the middle of the night?

Maybe he thinks I know too much.

Ridiculous.

Gilligan couldn't be that smart.

On the other hand,

If he thought I suspected him,

He might decide...

I'm getting outta here.

I know one thing.

If I'm gonna be k*lled in my sleep,

I wanna be awake.

[Snoring]

Mmhh!

[Snoring]

Gilligan, little buddy.

[Both shouting, indistinct]

Put that down!

Yes, sir! Ohh!

Please, skipper, don't k*ll me.

Please don't k*ll me.

Ohh! I'm not gonna k*ll you or anybody else.

Can I put my hands down?

Yes, of course you can put your hands down.

Thanks.

Oh, little buddy, look, we got all worked up last night,

What with the m*rder and everything.

Well, it's broad daylight now, and...

What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry.

Me, too, skipper.

I really feel bad about not trustin' you.

Well, I know you're not guilty.

And I know you're not guilty.

Shall we start working back on the case again?

Yeah, skipper. I've been givin' it a lot of thought.

Me, too.

And it seems to me the obvious suspect is still the butler.

Gilligan! How many times must I tell you?

There is no butler on this island.

Upstairs maid?

How could there be an upstairs maid

When we don't have any upstairs?

I guess I'll just have to cross her out.

Do you have any ideas who k*lled randolph blake?

Well, of course, with everybody acting so suspicious,

It's really hard to tell, but...

Say, maybe that newspaper clipping will give us another clue.

That's funny. It's gone.

Maybe somebody else is wearing your pants.

Please, gilligan, this is no time for jokes.

Do you realize that if the m*rder*r picks up that clipping

And learns that we're on his trail,

Do you know what could happen?

No. What?

We could get k*lled.

Dead?

Dead.

Lovey, you know I like to take my stroll

At precisely : .

Yes, but I can't even find a parasol.

No wonder you can't find it.

This place is in such disorder.

Yes, I know. Those girls have been very lax

About taking care of our hut.

That's one thing that I cannot tolerate.

Remind me to cut their salary.

But, darling, you don't pay them anything.

Remind me not to give them their christmas bonus.

Look at this... Polo mallet upside down,

Swagger stick not tilted toward oxford.

Newspapers all over the place.

"Survivors of the minnow sought in the blake m*rder case.

Oh, isn't that marvelous!

That's the first newspaper that's been delivered

Since we arrived here.

Must have fallen out of the skipper's pocket last night.

You know, I wanted to talk to you about that.

I can't remember inviting them last evening.

"Officials trace k*ller to the minnow...

"Believe one of the seven aboard

Responsible for the death of randolph blake."

You see? I was right.

I haven't invited them in over a week.

Lovey!

There's a m*rder*r here on this island.

Professor! Professor!

We... We've gotta talk to you.

Ah, mr. And mrs. Howell. You're just in time

To see my marvelous new invention.

It's a guillotine for chopping...

A guillotine? For chopping?

Exactly. Watch.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Oh, isn't that magnificent!

Isn't that magnificent!

Notice how neatly it...

Ginger, I don't see why

We have to make up the howells' hut every day.

Well, we don't have to, mary ann,

But I like to be helpful and thoughtful,

Considerate. I mean,

After all, when we get off the island,

Mr. Howell owns a movie studio.

Ginger, look.

m*rder.

They think one of us is a m*rder*r.

Where will we go? Where will we hide?

The professor, he'll protect us.

Professor!

Oh, we've got to talk to you. Read this!

Girls, I've been waiting for you.

Aah! Aah!

Well, it's just a guillotine that i...

Well, I mean, I think I should be thanked

For making a difficult task easier.

Both of you girls

Have been complaining about splitting coconuts, and...

m*rder?

Don't come any closer. I'll scream.

So that's why everyone's been acting so strangely.

How are we supposed to act

With a m*rder*r loose on the island?

Especially if he has a head chopper.

No one will ever use that

For anything but coconuts.

W-what about that story?


One of us on this island is a m*rder*r.

Well, certainly there's cause for concern.

But on the other hand, I find it difficult

To think of one of us is a k*ller.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

Well, mary ann... You mustn't lose faith.

It's a simple matter of trusting each other.

We must not be suspicious.

Agreed?

Ok. I agree.

Oh, I agree, too.

I agree, too.

I agree.

Agree. Both of us.

Ladies and gentlemen, this has got to stop.

We're all reached the point

Where we're afraid of our own shadow. Exactly,

But what are we gonna do about it?

We can't go on living like this.

There's only one thing we can do...

Put our cards on the table.

Yeah. Let's play old maid. That's fun.

All right.

Oh, gilligan! Stop that.

Professor: what I had in mind, gilligan,

Is that we all tell the truth.

And i, for one, am willing to start.

Now, I not only knew randolph blake,

But I was very angry with him

The night we left honolulu.

He did it! He did it!

I had written a paper on marine biology

Which he claimed for his own.

I faced him with the fact, I argued with him,

And I left him... But very much alive.

Yes. Very much alive.

Randolph blake happened to be one of my employees.

He managed a store that was part of the howell chain,

The only one that was losing money.

Blake was stealing,

And you know how a howell feels about money.

He did it! He did it!

No, no, no. I didn't harm him.

We had a heated argument, yes, indeed.

But m*rder? Absolutely no.

I might as well admit something, too.

I was with randolph blake the night before we sailed.

Gilligan: she did it! She did it!

She looks like a girl,

But it's just a very clever disguise.

Gilligan, will you be quiet!

I had a date with randolph the night before we sailed,

And he told me

That he was going to marry somebody else.

I got furious, and I slapped his face.

But that was all.

That was all that happened.

I know mr. Blake, too.

He was from my hometown.

I recognized him in the store.

He and my father were partners,

And he forced my father into bankruptcy.

She did it! She did it!

When I told him what I thought of him, he laughed.

And you?

I lost my temper. And then?

I cried and ran out.

All right. Here we have suspects.

. I didn't really like him very much, either.

She did it! She did it!

All right, then, ,

And all with both opportunity and motive.

That's how it always is.

What is?

The last part of perry mason.

They get all the suspects together,

And they all look innocent until...

Until what?

Until the commercial.

And then they reenact the crime.

Gilligan, will you stop trying to show

What a knucklehead you are!

Professor: hold it, skipper. He may have something there.

Very often, the guilty party does reveal himself when reenacting the crime.

Is everyone willing?

[All agree]

All right, then.

Let's arrange for it as soon as possible.

There, gilligan. How does that look?

Couldn't we make it into a candy store instead?

Oh, get in there.

Now, then, where's that spear g*n?

Oh, here it is, gilligan.

Look at that... The m*rder w*apon.

Ow.

The professor sure made one that looks real,

Didn't he?

Looks awful dangerous, too.

Now, whoever k*lled blake will get in a fight with him,

And... Bam!

Oh, I sure wouldn't wanna be mr. Blake.

That reminds me, little buddy...

Oh, no, you don't!

Why me?

Why always me?

Now, then, little buddy, you have nothing to worry about.

Yeah? Then how come I'm shaking?

I'll slap the cuffs on him

The minute he kills you.

What?!

The minute he tries to k*ll you.

Here they come. Are you ready?

Good evening, mr. Randolph blake.

I understand that you have been dipping into the till.

Mr. Howell, I wouldn't take a dime,

Not even if you gave it to me.

I think you're a perfectly horrible, nasty man.

But honest. Real honest.

You deserve a sound thrashing, mr. Blake.

I shall do even more than that.

Now, skipper. Now.

What's he doing?

He's reachin' for the spear g*n.

Do you have a dime, lovey?

Don't be ridiculous. Of course I haven't got a dime.

Very well, then.

I shall use the phone in one of our cars.

[Relieved sigh]

That clears the howells.

Randolph blake, I want to see you.

Sorry. The store's closed.

I worked years on that scientific paper,

And you stole it.

What are you so nervous about a piece of paper for?

Look. I got a whole pad of papers.

I intend to see to it, sir,

That you never steal anything

From anyone ever again.

What are you gonna do?

What should have been done years ago.

As of tomorrow, sir,

Your subscription to the scientific quarterly

Shall be cancelled.

Well, that clears the professor.

Ooph!

[Sultry voice] I'm here, randolph.

I'm sorry. Mr. Blake left an hour ago.

I'm just a good friend... Honest gilligan.

Come here, randolph.

You got a funny look in your eyes.

They tell me that you're getting married next week.

You were gonna get an invitation. Honest.

I could make you forget her.

Kiss me.

No.

Kiss me, randolph,

You irresistible hunk of man.

Please! You're wrinkling my lab coat.

Well, what of it? You're randolph.

But I'm engaged.

Well, in that case,

There's only one thing I can do.

Oh, no, no. There's lots of things you can do.

Just think hard.

No, randolph.

You know what they say about a woman scorned.

No. What do they say about a woman scorned?

You'll pay for this.

I shall never date you again.

Hey, skipper, I'm still alive.

Wait a minute, gilligan.

Mary ann hasn't had a sh*t at you yet.

Yeah, that's right.

Mr. Blake, because of you,

My father ended up in the poor house.

Couldn't we send him somethin' like cookies or chicken soup?

You don't deserve to live.

[Gasp]

Skipper!

Will till she grabs the g*n.

It might be too late.

Get up there.

Nothing you can say will make me change my mind.

Nothing? Nothing!

You're terrible.

I hate you!

That's the last one, and I'm still alive.

And that's too bad.

Too bad?

Yes. We've gotta start all over again.

Again?!

Certainly. We've got to find out who k*lled randolph blake.

Now, I'll send them back in to you one at a time.

Oh, no. They all had one sh*t at me,

And one's enough.

The store's closed. We're out of business.

[Door slams]

Gilligan! Are you all right, little buddy?

Who did it? Who did it?

Nobody did it.

The slamming of the door triggered the g*n.

You solved the crime, little buddy!

You solved it! It was an accident!

I'm glad it wasn't one of our friends

That tried to k*ll me.

I'd never have forgiven them.

Yeah. Just think. Another inch, and... Wow!

Yeah. Just think. Another inch and...

Radio: this is al shoddlecuddy from wcpo.

We interrupt this program for a special announcement

Concerning the randolph blake m*rder case.

Did you hear that, skipper? The blake case.

Yes, gilligan, I hear. Shh!

Radio: after conducting extensive experiments

With the spear g*n which was the cause of death,

The authorities are now convinced

That randolph blake met his unfortunate fate

As a result of an accident.

Did you hear that, skipper? Did you hear that?

Yes, gilligan, I heard it.

Now, will you be quiet?

Radio: numerous tests with the spear g*n

Indicated that the f*ring mechanism

Could be triggered by any sudden movement,

Such as the slamming of a door.

That's just what we did. That just what we did!

I can hardly believe it.

Radio: and that's how it happened,

Believe it or not.

I believe it. I believe it.

Isn't that amazing, skipper?

We worked it out just like the police...

With the spear g*n and the slamming of the door.

Yes, gilligan. All right.

Now, let's forget it and go to sleep.

Just forget about blake and that spear g*n.

Ok, skipper. Good night.

[Huffily] good night.

Well, gilligan, you did it again.

What?

You left the door open!

Oh.

[Door slams]

Thanks a lot, gilligan.

You're welcome.

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In the tropic island nest ♪

No phone... No lights...

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪
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