03x02 - The Affair

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
very strong language.

Shauna Sharkey's niece works for the
company, you see. Right.

Every voucher entitles you to
a free item of make-up,

a lip liner, a mascara...
Shite!

..an eyebrow pencil
or what have you.

I nearly took her hand off, Mary.
This is all I need. Gerry!

But there's a catch.
I thought there might be.

The retailer will accept one voucher
per customer only.

Now, what that means, Mary...

I know what it means, Sarah. Gerry!

It means I can't hand over
vouchers and say,

"Give us items."

No? Gerry!

But if we were to head up to town
with a bag of disguises.

Bag of disguises?
Couple of quick changes

in the Richmond Centre toilets.
No chance! Gerry!

Gerry! But the offer ends
today, Mary.

Gerry! Gerry!

Gerry! Gerry! Gerry!
Gerry! Gerry!

Was someone calling?
Hot water's gone again.

That bloody boiler!
We'll have to ring the plumber.

Mother, have you seen
my fountain pen?

We're talking about free make-up
here, Mary. The plumber?

The number's in my wee
address book, Da.

I'm sick saying we need
a new boiler.

Mammy, my fountain pen...
We can't afford a new boiler.

Tight hole!
No, no, no, no, no!

And let's face it, you could be
doing with a bit of bronzer, Mary.

I had it down here last night,
remember? I was working on my novel.

It's on the phone table there.
My fountain pen?

My address book! I'm not looking
for your address book!

You'd give Casper a run for his
money, no offence. Jesus Christ!

I don't like strawberry Pop Tarts.
I like chocolate Pop Tarts.

Mammy? Pen? Right, here you go.
Here's a pen.

That's a Biro. I mean, I've seen
corpses that are a better colour.

I can't write with a Biro!

Which means I end up eating them
out of pity.

You might as well ask Van Gogh
to paint with a trowel.

Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up!

Will you all just please shut up?
I am sick of it!

I am sick of the boiler
and the vouchers

and the fountain pens
and the bastardin' Pop Tarts.

I am sick of the fact
that I am responsible

for everything in this house,
you useless, useless shites!

Enough is enough. You can all sort
yourselves out for once!

Now...

I'm going to go upstairs and have
a long, hot soak in the bath.

And I do not want disturbed -
is that understood?

There's no hot water.

Christ almighty!

All right? Where's James?

Ach, Jesus Christ!

If I've left him on the bus again
my ma's gonna go nuts.

Hi, guys! Bye guys!

They're doing this -hour
danceathon thing.

They haven't slept.
What? Why are they so bouncy?

They're off their tits
on lemon sherbet.

Seriously, between them and
Marcel Marceau over here, I... Ugh!

How's it going?

You're really not gonna talk
for hours?

Yeah, that's tough.
You're better off not breathing.

Would she be, Orla?
Or...would she be dead?

It's not doing me any harm.

What? I'm not breathing
for Children in Need.

That's happening now, is it,
you're currently not breathing?

Correct.

Grand. Well, I am planning
on visiting the hospital.

I'm going to read the sick kids
some of my work.

No, Erin. Them wains
have suffered enough.

Well, what's your great
philanthropic plans?

In English, please?

What are you doing for
Children in Need?

I might cut my hair.

Charlene Kavanagh made a sh*t ton
when she done it last year,

and I'm trying to save
for a holiday, so...

You can't keep the money, Michelle.
You've to give it to the charity.

What? Do you not just give them
the hair? Ah, fer...

Hey, I passed! I passed!

What are you on about?

My driving test. I...I passed.

You were doing your driving test?

It's literally all I've talked about
for weeks. Jesus Christ, James!

There's only so many ways
I can say this....

We. Don't. Listen. To. You.

You've seen my instructor pick me up
at the school gates a dozen times!

What did you think was going on?

I just thought he was some sort
of creep.

Yet you didn't try to intervene?

You seemed happy enough. I see...

Oh, God, please no!

No, no, no, no.

Thank you, girls.

We won't forget that performance
in a hurry...

..no matter how hard we try.

Now, amidst the merriment,
it's easy to forget

there is a serious and rather
depressing side to Children in Need,

mainly the fact that Father Peter
has decided to come

and talk to us about it.

Father?

Holy Christ. That pony tail is gonna
bring my breakfast up.

Great stuff. Thank you, Sister.

Firstly, well done on the
almighty effort so far.

We'll be announcing
the grand total raised

at our Stars in their Eyes
evening on Friday.

And tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna
be...nowhere near that sh*t.

Fantastic way to round off this week
of complete madness.

I don't know whose idea it was,
but it was genius.

It was your idea. Ah, now.

You said, "Can we have a Stars
in their Eyes night?"

Is that right?
Well, sure, there you are.

And I said absolutely not.
I see. Well, sure all's well...

And then you started begging.
..that ends well, as they say.

At one point it looked like
you were going to cry.

I think you've maybe slightly
misremembered there.

And we've got a pretty exciting
first prize lined up.

The winner will get a chance to...

Drum roll, please, Sister.
Have you lost your actual mind?

..perform their song live on TV.
What about that now?

Yes!

Sarah? Is that...

Are you wearing a wig?

I don't want to get into it, Gerry.
Good, neither do I.

I thought I'd nip back
before Mary gets out of work

and give the place a bit of
a going over.

She didn't go to work. What?

I don't know what's going on with
her, Gerry, but I'm worried.

She's banging on about feminism.

She's talking about joining
the Women's Coalition.

Oh, Jesus!

You all right there, love?

I've always wanted to read
this book. Right.

Never got around to it.

There was always something more
"important" to do.

Oh, God, not the finger
quoting thing.

I've said she doesn't need to worry
about dinner.

I'm cooking tonight...

..as soon as I've defrosted
this thing.

Fantastic!

It's open!

There's gonna be some changes
around here.

The highlight of my year shouldn't
be a spate of good washing weather.

I need some variety.
Some spontaneity.

Jesus, I need some excitement!

You called for a plumber?

You're the plumber?

That's right.
You're not the usual fella.

Frankie, no. Er, unfortunately
Frankie passed away.

Happy days.

Yeah, sorry. I'm Gabriel.

Me too. Excuse me?

Mary! Mary. I'm Mary.

A-and-and this is my husband, erm...

Oh! God!

Gerry. Right.

I'm Sarah.
I'm completely unattached.

OK.

Christ, but you're a fine looking
specimen.

Thank you. Um...

Ah! Emily Bronte.
Wow, what a genius.

We'll have to take your word for it,
Gabriel, for we don't know her.

You've read it? It's, like, my
favourite novel. It's so romantic.

I wouldn't really...
I've only started, I don't..

All that forbidden desire.

Not being allowed something just
makes you want it all the more...

..I suppose.

Yip.

This boiler's not gonna fix itself
now, is it, Gabriel?

After me...

Dear Jesus!

You said this was dicky, Michelle.

That was before
the BBC Northern Ireland thing.

This could be life-changing.

You know, Pamela Anderson was just
an ordinary girl

at a football match when
a roving camera stuck her on

the big screen and then, boom.

Yeah, but she looks like
Pamela Anderson.

OK, James,

it's hard for you to see it
because we're related,

but I'm a ride.
I am a massive f*cking ride.

Hey, guys.
Not thinking of entering, are you?

We might be.

That's cute. So cute.

Oh, bring it on, b*tches.

Christ, you'd need an A-level
in chemistry

to decipher these instructions.

I'll take Gabriel up a cup of tea.

I think he's probably grand,

seeing as it's only about seconds

since you brought him up the last
one.

He's such a civil fella, isn't he?

Oh, he's great altogether.

You could have bagged yourself
a man like that, love.

Wise up, Daddy. Hardly.
It's true.

Never understand why you settled
for thon thing.

Ach, I wouldn't be interested in
a man like Gabriel, Daddy.

Thank you, love.

You'd be tortured,
you'd be getting the women off.

Aye, true enough.

At least, with Gerry, you've none
of that worry. Excuse me?

It's not just the looks thing.
He's really bright, too.

That'd be intimidating, you know.

If you're that hot, you should at
least have

the common decency to be
a bit thick.

If I was with someone too clever,
I'd feel all out of my depth.

Um, fairly straightforward
in the end.

I'm sure you probably could have
handled it, Gerry.

Oh, I doubt that very much, Gabriel,

what with me being
of subnormal intelligence.

Sure, there's chimpanzees
with more wit.

That's no word of a lie.

You'll take a cup
of tea before you go?

I'm sure the man has places
to be, Mary.

Ah, if you're making one.

Mary tells us you've just moved
here, Gabriel.

Yeah, that's right.
I'm from Kildare originally.

Very sorry to hear that, son.

Thank you. Yeah, me and the wife,
well, we separated recently.

God, that's terrible, so it is.

I say separated.

The truth is she ran off
with my friend.

Jesus, what must
the friend look like?

It was hard for my daughter,

everyone knowing our business
and stuff. So...

She left your daughter behind?
Yeah.

And you're raising her? Yeah.

That must be tough, son.

It's a privilege, Joe.

Oh, come on.

She's now. She says I baby her.

Mammy. The girls are gonna stay over
tonight

because we need to rehearse because
Jenny Joyce is such a...

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

f*ck me sideways.

Language, Michelle.

Ach, Mary, come on,
that's ridiculous.

Even so. This is Gabriel,

our new plumber.
This is our daughter, Erin.

Well, hello there.

Well, hello, Erin.

And what age are you?

Not five?

I knew it was too good to be true.

I think the best thing we could do
is just to get

the routine on its feet. I agree.

I know we're gonna smash
this, girls.

We are gonna lift that trophy.

We are gonna perform live on
the m*therf*cking BBC

and we're gonna wipe that smile off
Jenny Joyce's stupid face.

Yeah.

Let's do it. Hit it!

How many times do I have
to f*cking explain it?

It is two steps forward,
two steps back.

It couldn't be any f*cking simpler.

What the f*ck is wrong with you all?

You're the one that's out of time.
Say that again, James,

and I will floor you.
I will lay you out.

I think the first bit is
pretty good.

The first bit's shite, Erin.

You look like you're
being electrocuted,

and what the f*ck do you think
you're doing, Clare, the Haka?

f*ck!

Come on, Mary.
I can't, Gabriel.

No-one needs to find out.

No, look, look,
it's not like I'm not flattered.

You call me when you change
your mind.

When? You're sure of yourself.

I know how to get what I want.

Mary. I've got a bit of
a vegetable situation going on here.

I'm coming!

It's not my fault your choreography
is pedestrian, Michelle.

Kiss my actual hole, Erin.

Look, I think
we all just need to calm down.

Piss off, James!

OK, that, is it? I'm going solo.

Oh, Christ, here we go.

Screwdriver.

Um, bell. Apron.

Fanny. Big fanny?

Fanny pain. The plumber was
trying to get off with Erin's ma.

The plumber was trying
to get off with Erin's ma,

and now I need to give all
of my sponsorship money back.

We're gonna need more
details, Clare.

I saw them together in the hall.

He was whispering things to her,
you know, suggestive things.

My ma? He was coming onto my ma?

What is he, some sort of reverse
paedophile?

I bet Mary told him where to go.

Not exactly.

How's rehearsals going, girls?

Um, I think mine might be
a wee bit frozen.

It's called "al dente", Michelle.

Oh. Right.

You didn't have to dress
for dinner, Mary.

I'm not having dinner, Sarah.
Why not?

Well, firstly, because I value my
life,

and, secondly, I'm heading out.

Where?

Eileen Rafferty turned ,
so she's having this party.

Eileen Rafferty turned last year,
did she not?

Aye. Aye, well,
if you'd let me finish,

she's having this party
for her mother.

Did her mother not pass away there?

That's right, she did.

So we're just gonna...
We're just gonna have

a couple of drinks in her memory.

Is Eileen not teetotal, Mary?

Oh, my God, how do you know
so much about Eileen Rafferty?

What are you, a stalker?

If a woman's
and there's not a wrinkle on her,

I take an interest, Mary.

Well, she'll be on
the Fanta Orange.

There's my taxi. See you later.

Fanta Orange, so that's her secret.

That Eileen Rafferty story did not
add up, girls.

Do you think your ma's getting
plumbed by the plumber?

Well, I never trusted her,
not since the day I met her.

She's your auntie, Orla.

The day you met her
you were a new-born baby.

Exactly.

He wrote something.

There was a note.
She put it on the shelf.

It's an address.

Do you think it's his address?

Do you think your ma's meeting
him there?

Do you think that's where
they're going to do the deed?

By "do the deed" I mean ride.
Yes, thank you, Michelle.

I have to get to
the bottom of this.

That's halfway up Pump Street.
James can drive now.

He doesn't have a car.

Your da does.

He'd never let us borrow it.
He wouldn't have to know.

Absolutely not!

Couldn't he speed up a wee bit?

No, I couldn't!
Are we even moving?

I simply will not negotiate
when it comes to road safety.

Christ, that's some gaff.

I think plumbers do all right,
you know.

He's alone. She's not.

Erin, are you OK?

What you need to do is bring it
a bit more downstage.

No, no - downstage?

No, no - downstage!

How many times?
Downstage is up, upstage is down.

But that doesn't make any sense.

It's theatre. It's not supposed
to make sense.

I need to speak to the
stage manager.

What now?

OK, now...

With the smoke machine,
when the contestants come out,

really go for it.

Don't be shy. Give it a good blast.

I'll give you a kick up the arse.

Testing, testing. One, two...

Hey, g*ng. Ready to do this thing?

Erin, we're just a bit worried.

Don't be.

We are going to smash it out there.

I don't mean the performance.

I mean, I'm also worried about
the performance.

I've been having recurring
nightmares about the performance.

About last night, Erin...

Your ma and the plumber.

Maybe you should speak to her, Erin.
And say what?

How could you do it?

How could you betray Daddy
like that?

How could you make me doubt
everything I ever thought I knew?

Who even are you, Mammy?

And shimmy.

Four, please.
No bother at all.

Once you've bought the tickets,
you've donated to the charity.

You don't actually have
to sit through this ordeal.

Our girls are performing. And?

Well, we'd like to see them. Oh!

Sister Michael,
you're needed backstage ASAP, over.

Sorry, just let me deal with this.

Ahem!

Let's welcome our first contestant,
Miss Tina O'Connell.

Hello, there, Tina.

All right?

Now, you've been a fan
of this artist for some time.

Is that correct?

Aye.

Great stuff.

Now, we'll give a few clues about
that person in just a moment.

Now, I believe you first realised
you sounded like this person

when you were in the bath.

Aye.

Would you like to tell us
about that?

I was singing in the bath
and my ma heard me and she said,

"Tina, you sound a bit
like Meat Loaf."

There's no, need for the clues now,
Tina, is there?

Who are you gonna be tonight, Tina?

Tonight, Father... Matthew.

Tonight, Father Matthew...
No, just Matthew, like in the show.

Seen the show, haven't you, Tina?

Tonight, Matthew,
I'm going to be Meat Loaf.

Sorry we're late.

Gabriel, it's yourself.

I hope you don't mind me
gate-crashing.

Mary mentioned it and I thought
the little one might enjoy it.

Mind? Not at all.
Sure why would I mind?

God, I would just like to
take this opportunity

to thank you for our friendship,

and for the fact that this costume
makes my rack look so, so cr*cker.

Amen.

Please welcome to the stage, Erin,
Orla, Clare, Michelle and James.

The act you're going to perform
for us tonight,

well, they're absolutely huge.

That's right, Peter. Matthew.

Matthew! sh*t! I got it right in
rehearsal, I just...

It doesn't matter. No, I f*cked it.

OK. Give us some clues, girls.

Well, Peter... They are English,
but we still like them.

They're also probably better known
by their nicknames.

Which are? And I think this just
might give it away now.

Ginger! Baby! Sporty!

Scary and Posh!

Tonight, Matthew,
we're gonna be The Spice Girls!

Girl power!

Are they good?

How are they good?!

Michelle? Keep on going!

f*ck!

Erin? Leave me alone!

Erin, love, what's wrong?

Don't you "Erin, love" me!
I'm sorry?

I know what you've been up to.

Our secret lottery numbers, Mary.

You do secret lottery numbers?

I know about you and Gabriel.
What? What?

Clare heard you arranging your
dirty little rendezvous.

All right, Mary, how's it going?

Admit it, Gabriel - you're just
a pervert

with a jazzy-jumpered Ma fetish!

I'd rather not admit that,
if you don't mind.

I know you went to his fancy house.

I've never been to his house!
We saw you, Mammy. Stop lying!

Oh...

Oh, God! You're having an affair
with the plumber!

You're having an affair with
Frankie? Frankie's dead, Da.

Gabriel. She's having an affair
with Gabriel!

How the hell did you manage that?

I'm not having an affair
with Gabriel!

Just tell them the truth, Mary.

Oh, should she, now?
You absolute bastard!

Prick!

Hey, that's enough of that now.
Stop it! Make me!

If one of you doesn't hit
the other one soon...

..I'll knock the pair of you out.

Do it, Granda! Pack it in!

Look, when Gabriel was fixing
the boiler,

I brought him up a couple of cups
of tea.

Couple of dozen! We got chatting.

Jesus...Christ!

He told me that he was taking these
night classes in English literature.

He wants to do a degree.

He convinced me to come along
and check it out.

That house was the
tutor's house, Erin!

There was eight other people there.

So why were you drinking wine,
Mammy?

Because everybody was drinking wine.

There was cheese as well.

Blue stuff. Stinking!

So stinking.

I don't understand why you wouldn't
just tell me.

Why the hell should she have
to tell you?

Da, please!
The fella's a control freak, Mary.

Is it any wonder you had an affair?
I didn't have an affair!

I didn't want to say
anything, because...

Because, well, the idea that someone
like me could go back to school,

the idea that someone like me might
even go to university,

well, it didn't seem possible.

I thought there's no point in
telling anybody about all this

because it's not actually
going to happen.

It's...it's not real.

Well...

..let's make it real,
if it's what you want.

Do you mean that?

There's nothing you can't do,
love - nothing.

Absolute arsehole.

How could you, Mammy?

I wanted to be the first person
in our family to go to university,

and now you're absolutely stealing
my thunder.

Really, Erin?

She hasn't got a f*cking note
in her head!

This went next door by mistake.
Looks like a speeding notice.

Speeding notice?

No, it's the opposite
of a speeding notice.

It says our car was driving
dangerously slowly

over Craigavon Bridge
on Tuesday night.

You said you were in
on Tuesday night.

I was. I was watching Taggart.

Are you having an affair?

Is that what's going on here?

Let's go!