05x13 - Jeannie, the Matchmaker

Episode transcripts for the TV show "I Dream of Jeannie". Aired: September 18, 1965 – May 26, 1970.*
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Rescued from a bottle by a U.S. astronaut, a scantily clad genie named Jeannie becomes his sl*ve and eventually falls in love with him.
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05x13 - Jeannie, the Matchmaker

Post by bunniefuu »

[♪]

Ah.

Jeannie!

Hi, Tony. Hey,
what are you doing?

We tee off in 20 minutes.

Roger, would you help me
with this window?

Ah, here, wait.
I got it. I got it.

I got it. Here. Oh.
It's a little hard to get.

Ow!
Oh.

It's my fault. I'm sorry.
My fault. Sorry.

Oh. Yeah, um, I got it.

Hey, what's with the clothes?

We're supposed to
play golf today.

Oh, I'm sorry, Roge.

I forgot all about it.

I told Jeannie I'd... I'd help
her around the house today.

Uh, golf takes three or
four hours, you know.

Yeah. Three or
four hours. Uh...

How about going over
to the club?

We'll play a little gin.

I can't, Roge.

I promised Jeannie I'd
take her to lunch today.

Jeannie.

You... Why don't you join us?

No, no. I'm, uh,
not hungry.

I had lunch yesterday.

Oh.

Well, I don't suppose
you'd like to go over

and knock a few
tennis balls around?

Uh, Roge, I can't.

I told Jeannie I'd
take her shopping after.

Hey, listen, why don't we, uh,
set a whole day aside, huh?

Next Saturday? And we'll spend
the whole day together?

Yeah. Yeah.

Saturday's fine.

I better get over
to the tennis court.

It's, uh... It gets busy
this time of day. Uh...

I... You, uh...
It's on the inside.

You gotta get your hand
all the way up in there.

Saturday, yes.

[♪]

Master?
Yah!

You have to get your hand
up in there.

Oh. Thanks.
[CHUCKLES]

Is something the matter?

[SIGHS]

Uh, well, it's...
It's Roge.

I forgot our golf game today.

And then he wanted me
to play gin rummy with him,

and I told him I'm gonna
take you to lunch and,

well, you know...
Aw.

Well, you should have
asked him to come with us.

Yeah, I did.
But I had the feeling

he thought he was intruding
or something, you know.

I should've taken off
an hour to play

a little tennis
with him, you know.

Well, there's nothing
to worry about.

There's plenty of
people to play with.

It's always crowded on
the courts this time of day.

Mm-hm.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, thanks.

[GIGGLING]

You have to reach your hand
up inside there.

Hm? Oh.

[GIGGLES]

[♪]

Oh. Oh.

[GRUNTING]

Oh.

Oh!

Oh. Beautiful.

Beautiful serve.

Two out of three.

Okay. My serve.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Well, the fact is, Roger and I

are just not as close
as we used to be.

We used to do
everything together,

but... now that I'm married,
you know, it's just...

Well, why does not
Major Healey get married?

Ha-ha. Roger get married?
Yes.

Never in a million years.

Too much fun being single.

I beg your pardon, master.

Uh... I mean, for Roger, it's
too much fun being single.

Well, you know Roger. He has
a different girl every night.

Brunettes, blonds,
redheads. You know.

And that is what you call fun?

Hm. Men.

If Major Healey is
having so much fun,

why does he have no one
to be with today, hm?

Yeah, well... it'd be great
if Roger got married, but...

well, the girl would have to
really be something special.

Perfect. Not many
perfect girls left around.

I got the last one.

Oh, master, that was sweet of you.
[CHUCKLES]

You know, maybe I could ask
Mama about a girl.

She has a lot of lovely ladies...
No, no, no, no.

I don't want you to do anything.

Now, one genie in Cocoa Beach
is quite sufficient.

All right, master.

I wonder where one does find
the perfect girl?

[♪]

Mrs. Nelson,
the man you've described

on your questionnaire
just doesn't exist.

He's too perfect.

Oh. Well, that is why he needs
the perfect mate.

[CHUCKLES]

Let's see: An astronaut.

Handsome, charming, intelligent,

warm, sensitive.

Tell me,
Mrs. Nelson,

if this Major Healey is
so extra-special terrific,

why does he have to come to

a computer service
to find a girl?

Oh, well, he does
not know about this.

It is my idea.
Mm. I see.

Well, let's give it a whirl.

JEANNIE:
Ooh. What a marvelous machine.

So scientific.
[CHUCKLES]

[GIGGLES]

Oh. There you are.
What is the girl's name?

Laverne Sadelko.
Oh. Laverne Sadelko.

Mm-hm.
Well. Where can I find

this Laverne Sadelko?

Oh, that is you.

But that...

That is you.

Well...

you can't argue with a computer.

Where do we find him?

[♪]

My niece, Patricia,
is visiting us for a few days,

and, uh, I want her
to have a good time.

Oh, she'd have a good time
with Major Healey.

You see, she's been
very carefully brought up,

and I don't want her
exposed to anyone too, uh...

Too wild.

So I ask again,

is Major Healey a gentleman?

Um... w-well, I...

I... I... I saw
his commission.

It says he's
a gentleman on the...

Good. On your recommendation
then, I'll entrust him...

Oh, no, my...
Not my recommendation, sir.

Now, I want you to
arrange an accidental, uh...

Uh, meeting, uh,

without letting her know that
I had anything to do with it.

You know how shy
some girls can be.

Shy?
[BUZZER SOUNDS]

Oh, e... Excuse me.

Uh... Uh, just a moment.

Uh, uh, yes.

Uh, quiet, demure, respectful.

An old-fashioned girl.

Could we talk
about this, sir? Sir?

Would you send
the congressman in, please?

Sir...
Please, major,

will you take care of that for me?
Oh, yeah.

And bring the files.

Old-fashioned?

[QUIETLY] Yeah.

[♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

This is the swingingest
place in Cocoa Beach?

Oh, well, it starts swinging
a little later here.

Wrong. It starts
swinging now.

Give me a quarter.

Huh? A quarter?

There you are.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS]

Ha, ha, ha, yeah.
You know, you're...

You're not, like... At all like
General Schaeffer described you.

Oh, I suppose he gave you that

"shy, quiet, demure,

old-fashioned" line, huh?
Oh, yeah.

Well, it's useful for
the over-30s to think that.

Honey, the only thing
I'm old-fashioned about

is old fashions.

Oh.
I'll have one, please.

And what will you have, sir?

Uh, ginger ale, please.

That figures.

Uh, listen, when am I going to

have my accidental meeting?

Accidental meeting?

Oh, come on.

Every time I arrange
to visit my uncle,

he arranges for me
to meet some loser...

accidentally.

The last one proposed
after an hour and a half.

And you turned him down?

Me? Get married?

[CHUCKLES]

It's too much fun being single.

Back home I go out with
a different date every night.

Blonds, brunets, redheads.

Yeah. You and
Major Healey

are gonna get along
pretty well, you know.

Hm. He's a loser,
huh?

Yeah.
Where is he?

I don't know. He said
he's gonna be here.

Um... Uh, you sit tight, I'll...

I'll go look for him.

All right.

Hi.

[WHISTLING]

[HUMMING]

Hello.

If we ask everybody
to move down one,

maybe I can sit down.
[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry, beautiful,

but I'm waiting for someone. Ah.

And I really am sorry.

Yeah. So am I.

Hello, Major Healey.

Oh, hi, Charlie.

And what are you having tonight?

I'll have my special, okay?

All right.

Well, well, well.

My uncle finally fouled up.

Well, not that...
That it matters,

but, uh, who's your uncle?

[LAUGHS] Forget about him.

Let's talk about us.

That's my line.
[CHUCKLES]

And I'll bet you've got
a lot of other ones too.

[COUGHS, CHUCKLES]

Ah, well, try
the Officers' Club, will ya?

Yeah, I'll hold.

This is Major Healey's
favorite spot.

Do I look all right?

Oh, perfect.
[GIGGLES]

He will not be able
to resist you. Heh.

Oh. Oh, but I...

I-I think your hair
does need a little...

A little smoothing.

Mmm. What
is it?

It's a Shirley Temple.

It's good.

Major Healey. May I speak
with you, please?

Oh, well, I'm a little
busy, Jeannie.

Who is she?

Uh, "Who is she?"

It's a girl
I just met at the bar.

Oh, good. She is
not right for you.

And I thought I was pushy.

Listen, why don't you go drink
a Mickey Finn or something?

Mickey Finn?
Who is he?

That's a drink that knocks you
out for a couple of hours.

Well, goodbye, Jeannie.
Nice talking to ya.

Strange girl.
Always following me around.

Oh.
Yeah.

Yeah. Well,
uh, goodbye.

Goodbye.
Goodbye, Jeannie.

Bye, Major Healey.
[GIGGLES]

All kinds of girls hang around
me like that all the time.

Lots of girls. Mm.

Ah.

[CHUCKLES] Well...

you arrange an accidental
meeting, and it happens.

Excellent.

[CHUCKLES]

He is there.

Now, I have done all I can.

The rest is up to you.

Oh, thanks, Jeannie.

I'll invite you to the wedding.

[GASPS]

Oh, he's gorgeous.

Tell me, how did you know
I was an astronaut?

Yeah, I-I know. Y-you work
at the base, right?

Oh, sorry.
Oh!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Huh? Oh.

No, it's my fault.
Oh...

Oh, no, it's my fault.

You don't work
at all at the base?

You don't wanna talk about it?

Got a lot of stuff here.

Oh. I seem to have
twisted my ankle.

If you could just
help me to the bar.

Sure.
Thank you so much.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, here you are.
Mm.

Are you all right now?
Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

[SIGHS]

Listen. Listen. Would you
mind waking up?

Is it something I said?

Oh, miss. Oh, please,
miss, don't...

It's very embarrassing, miss.

Roger, what's going on?
I don't know.

I met her at the bar,
and she passes out on me.

This is General
Schaeffer's niece.

That's very interesting...
Wake up.

But why did she pass out?

We better find out.
I'm responsible for her.

Pat?
Meeting with me?

That's strange.
You and I know each other.

Excuse me, I hate to bother you
again, but do you have a match?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't smoke.

Pat, wake up, please?
Really? That's fascinating.

Who's she?
I don't know.

I've never seen her
before in my life.

I'd like a drink.

Could have one of those?

Yes, here.
Take that.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Pat... Listen, Roger,
I vouched

for you as a gentleman.

We gotta wake her up,
and from then on,

you handle her with kid gloves.

I've gotta handle her
with kid gloves?

General Schaeffer finds out
you got her drunk, I'm dead!

I got her drunk?
I got her drunk?

You gotta be kidding.
I just gave her one drink.

Wait a minute, don't start
telling me I got her drunk,

because I just picked
a girl up at the bar, and then...

[♪]

This doesn't look too good.
I'm getting outta here.

General Schaeffer
and Dr. Bellows.

If they go in the restaurant,
they don't see us.

It's certainly nice of you
to ask me to join you

on your 20th anniversary.

Oh... Not at all, general.

Oh, why don't we have a drink?

You know what I like, Amanda.

Excuse me, I'll be right back.
All right, dear.

Oh. They're not
going in the restaurant.

They're coming in here!
Huh?

Get her out of here. Get
her out of here. Yeah.

Oh, boy, heavy.
Heavy girl.

Shh.
[GRUNTS]

Oh, uh... Uh, Major Healey.
Oh. Oh.

Oh. I just wanna thank you

for recommending this place.

It's, uh, quite charming.

Oh, why don't you
and your lady friend

join us for a drink?

Yes, sir. Yes, your table.

[LAUGHS] Oh.

Please, Pat.
Wake up. Wake up.

Say something.
Please? Wake up.

[LAUGHING, GASPS]

General, look over
there at the bar.

Isn't that Major Nelson
with a girl?

Oh, yes, yes. Uh,
that's my niece, Patricia.

Your... Your niece?

Uh, yes. He's trying
to set up a...

An accidental meeting for her

with, uh, Major Healey.

Uh, Major Healey?

Oh, but, sir, I just saw him
leave with another girl.

Oh, really?

Well, I'd better tell
Major Nelson.

Darling, may we dance, please?

Oh! I'd love to.
Oh, that music is so nice...

Here we go.

Major Nelson, Patricia.
What a coincidence.

Ah, isn't it? Yeah.

Uh... Uh... Uh, could I
talk to you, uh, major?

Air Force business, Pat, dear.

Uh, it's... It's all right, sir.
She's your niece.

Um, our little scheme isn't
gonna work for tonight.

Uh, Major Healey just

left here with another girl.

Oh. Oh, really?
I didn't see him.

Uh... Uh, thanks
for trying, anyway.

I'll take over now so you can
get home to Jeannie.

Uh... Oh, uh, home
to Jeann...

Well, the girl... The girl he was
taking out was his cousin.

Thought you didn't see him.

Mm. I didn't
see him leave. Ha.

He's gonna drop his cousin off,
then we're gonna meet later.

Oh, good, good. Then
you have a little time.

Uh, Patricia, dear, how about

a little dance with your uncle?

Oh. She promised
this one to me, sir. Heh.

Yoo-hoo, Major Nelson.
Oh, please dance with me.

It's our 20th anniversary.

Oh, I'd love to, Amanda,
but the general's niece.

I'll dance with
the general's niece.

Oh, she'd love to dance
with you, sir,

but, uh, she's promised
this one to Roger.

Oh. Oh, uh, uh,
major.

Uh, she looks a little peculiar.

Oh. Yeah,
well...

Get her out of here, will ya?
What? What?

Hot in here, isn't it?
May I cut in?

Yes, that's your niece.
Roger!

Oh. Major!

Darling, don't...


Major Healey!

What's the matter with you?

Well, look, I'd better
be going, sir.

We're gonna show your niece
around Cocoa Beach.

But, major.
Just a minute.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

Always on my anniversary

or some other occasion.

Well, are we ready for dinner?

Well, let's finish
our drinks first.

Oh, good.
Oh, I hope they have it.

You know, I hear the lobster
is marvelous, darling.

Excuse me. The tall
major forgot this.

Oh, that must be Major Nelson's.

Oh, thank you.

Maybe we can catch him, dear.

No, no, no. We'll drop
it off after dinner.

It's on the way.
Oh, yes.

You know, I heard
that the lobster...

Hey, listen, Roger. Huh?

Hey, take this girl.

Here. No, no.
No. Oh.

I gotta get home to Jeannie.

What did you do with the other one?
In the car.

Well, all right, you're gonna
have to sober them up. Them up?

Well, I... I don't have to
tell you what to do with her.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Oh. Now, Tony,
wait a minute.

Wait. Both of them?
Come on.

Both... The other...
It's in the c...

Oh. Gosh, what a fun date
she's gonna be.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, master, I have the most
wonderful thing to tell you.

Yeah. I'm sorry
I'm late.

I had to stop off at Armando's.

Armando's?
Mm.

Did you see Major Healey?

Yeah. That's why I'm late.

There was this girl
you wouldn't believe...

I know.

Is she not perfect for him?

Yeah. When she's awake.

How'd you...?
How'd you know about them?

Oh, well, that is
my wonderful news.

Oh, master, I will tell you
all about it at dinner. Hm.

You're going to be
so proud of me.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Now...

Oh, excuse me.
Can I use your...?

You!
You.

Oh. Well, it must be
fate or something.

See, I just woke up in the back
of this car, and I ju...

Master, who is at...?

Oh, Miss Sadelko. What
are you doing here? Heh.

Where's Major Healey?

Right there.

And what are you doing here?

Oh, I live here.

That is my husband.

You tried to fix me up
with your husband?

Now, wait. Wait...

Will somebody tell me
what's going on here?

Huh? Uh, Jeannie?

Ooh. I have made
a terrible mess of things.

Uh...

darling, heh, I did not
see you at Armando's.

You were at Armando's?
I might have known.

I might have known she'd have...
Uh, she'd have been there.

Well, if he isn't
Major Healey, who is?

Oh. Oh, look,
guys.

Eh. Look, you gotta
help me.

I can't wake
her up. Oh.

That is Major Healey. Yeah.

Hoo-hoo. He's gorgeous too.

But he's got a...

[SOBBING] girl.

[WHISPERS] Jeannie.
Would you wake her up?

I will, master.
In a minute.

In a minute.

[GIGGLES] Well...

as long as you are both here,

why do we not all have
dinner together?

Major Healey, would you
help Miss Sadelko

into the table, please?

Yeah.

Oh.
[GRUNTS]

Ow.

Hm? Oh, huh.

Well, how silly
of me. Heh.

Oh!

Come on.

Major Healey?

Oh. My.

[GIGGLES]

Oh. Do they not make
a perfect couple?

[WHISPERS] What
do I do with her?

[♪]

Here you are.
How romantic.

And here we are.
[GIGGLES]

There we go.

[GIGGLES, GASPS]

Oh. Oh.

Yeah.
Mm.

[WHISPERS] Listen.

For the last time, I don't
care how many computers

said that Miss Sadelko
was perfect for Roger.

I want you to wake up
the general's niece.

You will break the mood.
I'll break it, all right.

No, no, master.
As you wish. As you wish.

There. You see?
She's awake.

All right.
That's better.

[GIGGLES]

And now she's asleep again.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Mm. Oh.
There's yours.

And here's mine.

There we go.
Ah.

Ah. Oh.

One hand is okay.

Now, take it.

Mm.
Yeah.

That's... It's yours.
All right? Mm-hm.

This is mine.
Hm.

Now, come on, Jeannie.
No more tricks.

Oh, but, I...
Right now.

Come on.
Yes, master.

[YAWNING]

Heh. Hi.
Oh.

Where am I?
Huh. Hey.

Everything's okay.

You had kind of a funny
reaction to a drink. Ha-ha.

"Funny reaction"? That's
putting it mildly. Yeah.

Come on in, have a...
A cup of coffee,

and you'll feel
a lot better, okay?

Now, that's it.
A little cup of coffee.

Uh, thanks, Jeannie.

Ooh!

Oh! Anthony!

Oh!

Hurts?
Does it...?

Just take the wall away.
Kiss me. Quick.

Just take the wall
away, all right?

[ROMANTIC MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO]

To tell you the truth, Jeannie,

I'm a little disappointed.

You didn't tell me that I was
going to have competition.

Tsk.

I am sorry, Miss Sadelko.

I... I did not know
about the general's niece.

Oh, but do not worry.
[SIGHS]

Major Healey will prefer you.

I am sure of it.

How can you be so sure?

Well, because the computer
said that...

Oh, that is true.

How can I be so sure?

That is how
I can be so sure. Heh.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

TONY:
I'll get it. I got it.

[♪]

Oh, excuse us, major.

I hope we're not
disturbing you, but...

But you left your hat
at Armando's.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you...

No, you're not intruding, sir.

Uh, y-your niece
and Major Healey are here.

ROGER:
Ahh!

PATRICIA: What sort of a
dumb thing is that to say?

I... Uh... I'm getting
out of here.

[LAUGHS]

I think they just left,
as a matter of fact.

Don't be silly, major.

That's Patricia's voice.

No, uh... Sir.

Wait a minute. What's
so dumb about it?

All I said was, "Take off
the mustache before I kiss you."

What's wrong with that?

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Oh. Oh,
Dr. Bellows.

What, uh...?

[ALL CHATTERING]

TONY: All right, don't anybody panic.
It's just a fuse that blew.

[QUIETLY] Get that mustache
off her, understand? Off.

Major Nelson.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[BLOWS]

But, Patricia, dear,
I saw the mustache.

Well, then, you're
just as cockeyed

as the rest of these loonies.

Uh, Patricia.

Just take me home, uncle.

Take me home.

TONY:
Uh, Pat. Uh...

Major?
Hm?

Major, I saw that mustache too.

Oh. Yeah.

[LAUGHS] Yeah.

It... It, uh...
Well, uh...

Anthony?
Huh?

Oh, ye... Yeah.
Thank you.

I think it was just
her, uh, sense of humor.

It was a joke she was playing.

A peculiar girl.

Come along, Amanda. I...

Uh, ahem. Can I, uh...
Can I take you home?

Oh. No, thank you.

I want a husband, but not this bad.
[DOOR CLOSES]

Just...
Bye-bye.

Spend a few drink...

Oh-oh.
Yeah.

I am so sorry, Major Healey.

It is all my fault.
Oh, that's okay.

Yeah, I'll see you at
the office tomorrow, Roge.

Hey, uh, it's kind of early.

Maybe we could, uh,

play a few games of gin, huh?

Gin? Oh, no,
come on...

Master...
Oh, sure. Sure.

Really?
Sure.

You mean, you're both
gonna play gin with me?

Yeah, Roge.
Oh, that's great.

This is exciting.

Nothing greater than
spending an evening

with your two best friends.

Well, let me see,
we'll play a hundred a game,

uh, 20 points a box.

[PHONE RINGS] Oh.

Hello?
[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yes, he's here.

Just a moment.

Uh, Major Healey.
It's for you.

Who is it?
Who is it?

Hello.

Oh, hi, hon.
How you doing?

Where are ya?
Armando's?

Oh, no, I'm not busy at all.

Nothing happening here.

Oh, yeah.
Be right over.

Gotta go. Sorry.
Bye-bye.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Uh, what about the game? Huh?

[CHUCKLES]
[DOOR OPENS]

[BOTH LAUGHING]
[DOOR CLOSES]

[♪]
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