05x25 - One Jeannie Beats Four of a Kind

[bunniefuu]

[♪]

You call for me, sir?

Oh, yes.
Come in, Major Healey.

Yes, sir.

Major, you know Captain Phelps,
the security officer?

Well, we've crossed
each other's paths,

uh, unofficially, of course.

Captain Phelps is conducting
an investigation,

and he'd like to ask you
some questions.

Oh, me, sir?

Oh, sit down, major.

This is quite informal.

Yeah, sit down.

Yes, sir.

Sit down. It's informal. Yeah.

We've gotten quite a number
of complaints,

and, uh, we've called you in
because you have, uh,

well, shall we say a...
A certain reputation.

Yeah, well, sir, if it's about
that gal in the PX,

I mean, she was a little...

No, major.
It's not that.

Those two girls in Accounting,
that was my fault.

Major, we're not interested
in your girls.

At least, uh, not at present.

SCHAEFFER: We've called you in because
you have a reputation of, uh,

knowing where the action is.

Well, it's certainly not
in Accounting.

Major.

We are trying to get
a line on a card shark

who has been fleecing the men.

A card shark?
Yes.

Obviously, there's some
crooked poker games going on

in town and, uh, they're causing
quite a financial hardship

for some of the men.

We thought you might know
something that might help us

track it down.

Well, you have any idea
who it is, sir?

Well, that's what we're trying
to find out, major.

Whoever he is,
he's a smooth operator.

And he's been setting up
an awful lot of poker games.

BELLOWS: Well, it could be a
civilian or, I hate to say this,

but, uh, it could be somebody
on the base.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were having a meeting.

It's all right, Major Nelson.

Uh, it's nothing important.

I was just wondering if you all
would like to come over

and play a little poker
at my house tonight.

[♪]

That's it.

[♪]

[♪]

[♪]

Nine, 10.

There we go.

Master.
Hm?

I do not know why you want me
to go to the movies

while you play that funny game.

Well, the funny game
is called poker, darling.

And I don't want you
to go to the movies.

It's just kind of a tradition
that when the menfolks

play poker, the womenfolks
don't hang around.

Well, it must not be
a very nice game.

When Uncle Abdulla
played Parcheesi,

he always let
the whole harem watch.

Yeah. Those were the days.

Major Healey,
would it bother you

if I stayed and watch?

Jeannie, I'm trying
to stack these chips.

Oh. Well, why did you not
say so?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello.
Major.

How are you? Major,
I'd like you to meet

Senator Martino. Colonel Forbes
couldn't come tonight,

so the senator will
make our fifth.

Oh, great.
Well, come on in, senator.

Thank you.
I'd like you to meet my wife,

uh, Jeannie.
And this is Major Roger Healey.

Well, hello.
How do you do?

Uh, actually, I just met
Senator Martino.

He's a state senator from
one of our neighboring states,

and he said he liked poker,
so I brought him along.

I hope you don't mind.

No. Welcome aboard, sir.

Uh, Major Healey, what is that?

Oh, that. Uh, yeah, well,
we're playing for high stakes.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, shall we begin?

I'll sit over here.

Sit over there.
I feel lucky.

Ah, good. Uh, how about
a little spit in the ocean?

Are you going to the seashore?

I thought you were going
to play cards.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Um, cut the deal.

[♪]

Well, I'm going
to the movies now.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Goodbye.
Goodbye, darling.

Bye.

Uh, okay, I'll up that one.

I-I could stay
and serve the refreshments.

No, darling,
I'll take care of that. Thanks.

Oh, all right.

Bye.

Bye.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Boy, I wish I had
some more of those.

I'll, uh, walk you
to the door, darling.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Goodbye, gentleman.
Goodbye.

Goodbye.
Thank you. Darling.

Oh, poker does not look
like much fun, anyway.

All they do is jump up and down.

Goodbye, darling.
You look cute.

Bye.
It was a nice idea.

Bye.

[♪]

Well, that's too rich
for my blood.

Well, I'll, uh, see you...

and, uh, I'll raise you.
Okay.

All right.
I'll just see you, Roger.

What you got?

Full house. Queens high.

TONY:
Uh, sorry.

Uh, full house.
Aces over eights.

Not again!

Sorry. It must be
my lucky night. I don't know.

Ahem, funny way to treat
your, heh, commanding officer.

[ALL LAUGH]

Well, I've had enough.

I've never seen
such a run of luck in my life.

I just lost $23.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Yeah. I dropped about 40.

Well, that may be true, major,

but, uh, you don't have
to tell your wife.

Well, major, when are you
giving us a chance to get even?

How about Tuesday night?

Oh, well, I'm...
Uh, not Tuesday night.

My... My wife is not too happy
about this already.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Tuesday night will be fine.

Are you sure you're not
that card shark

who's working the area?

Hm? Oh.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, yeah.

"Nimble Fingered" Nelson
they call me, huh?

Oh.
[ALL LAUGH]

Well, gentlemen,
thank you very much.

I sure appreciate that.

[♪]

[WHISTLING]

Oh, hi, Roge.
What are you doing here?

Hey, great day, huh?

Say, uh, when we're finished
this test,

why don't we go out and have
a little round of golf?

How much a hole?

What's the matter with you?

Oh, nothing, Nimble Fingers.

Hey, since when have you been
such a sore loser?

Since I don't have a genie.

Now, what are you talking about?

She wasn't even there
last night.

Well, let's put it this way.

I didn't see her there
last night.

Roger, do you think I'd cheat
my best friend, Dr. Bellows,

General Schaeffer and a senator?

Well, you wouldn't cheat them,
but you know Jeannie.

She doesn't like to see you
lose at anything.

[♪]

Was anybody suspicious?

Are you kidding, boss?

Pretending to be a state senator

was the greatest idea
I ever had in my life.

It was my idea!

You should've seen that
Major Nelson's face light up

when I dealt him the four aces.

He thinks he's the greatest
poker player in the world.

I am the greatest poker player
in the world.

Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... Yeah.
That's right, boss.

I know, I know.

I... I was just setting them up
for the k*ll.

Well, when is the big payoff?

Tuesday night.

I'm raising the stakes.

The major's fat and the rest
of them are hungry.

Heh. Ah, you got nothing
to worry about, boss.

I'll clean 'em out.

Nobody can b*at me
in a crooked poker game.

E-except you, boss.

Master, I swear to you.

I know, darling. I know.
It was just... It was just luck.

I know that.

Do you not like your food?

[LAUGHING] How can I eat

when my best friend thinks
I'm a card shark?

Oh, Major Healey would not
think that about you.

Oh, yeah, he does.

I wish I didn't have
to play tonight. I might win.

Oh, boy.

May I stay and watch?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jeannie. I...
I don't want to give Roger

the chance to think
that you're helping me again.

Very well, I will stay
in my bottle.

Eat your food, dear.
It is getting cold.

I'm not hungry, sweetheart.
I'm just not hungry.

But you need your nourishment.

[LAUGHS]

There. You feel better?

Mm, yeah. Yeah, I do.

Well, I got my vitamins, anyhow.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, I know what.

The best thing
that could happen.

What?
If Roger could win.

Would you like that?

Yeah.

Oh... Oh.

Yeah. All mine.
Well, now what, guys?

Guys? Hey, wait a minute.
You're not leaving. It's early.

Good night, Major Healey.

BELLOWS: I think I'll go home
and take a nice, warm bath.

We just took a bath.

Four royal flushes in a row.
That's impossible.

The odds against it
are astronomical.

Yeah, well, I'm an astronomical.

I mean, I'm an astronaut.

And I'm a genie.

Four royal flushes in a row!

Yeah, yeah, but... But, boss,
I tried everything:

The marked cards,
dealing seconds.

But... But... But this guy's
like... Like... Like magic.

Yeah? Well, he ain't moving in
on my territory.

Rub him out!

Not him, birdbrain!

Major Healey.

[SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[RINGS] Oh!

Hello, Mama.

How are you?

Oh, I am just fine, thank you.

Uncle Ali Baba?

[GASPS]

All 40 of them?

Oh, Mama, that man keeps
terrible company.

Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, I would love to.

But of course, I will have
to ask my master.

Yes. I'll call you back later.

Bye-bye.

Good morning, darling.

Hello.

Oh, do you mind, darling,
if I see...?

What is the matter?

Huh? Oh, no... I was just trying
to think of a way

to tell Roger that you helped
him win at poker last night.

That's all.

Oh.

I... I am... I am very sorry,
master,

but you said
that it would make you happy.

I know.
I'll think of something.

Uh, darling, would you mind
if I went to visit Mama

for a couple of hours
this morning?

Huh?
Well, you...

You see, she is cleaning out
her attic and...

And she wants to see if
there's anything I would like.

Oh. Yeah.
All right, go ahead.

Uh, don't say hello for me.

There's no sense
in getting her mad.

Oh, darling, do not worry.
She will come to love you yet.

Oh, yeah.

Goodbye, dear.
Have a good time.

Hi, Ton.
Oh, hello, Roge.

Hey, listen,
can you hurry it up a little?

I want to stop by
at the boatyard.

Boatyard?

Yeah. You know the money
I won last night?

I made a down payment
on a new speedboat.

Um, Roge, look,
I hate to tell you this,

but you didn't win last night.
Jeannie did.

Jeannie wasn't playing
last night.

Yeah, she did.
You know, with her blinks.

Oh, I see.
When you win, it's skill.

And when I win,
it's blink, blink, blink.

You think you got
four royal flushes in a row?

You have to give
that money back.

Come on, you're putting me on.
I mean, I can't do that.

I'll tell you what.
Why don't I go

into General Schaeffer's
office and I'll say, uh,

"General, about last night.
We... We really didn't win.

We cheated."

Scratch one astronaut.

A little shaky, isn't it?

Yeah, a little shaky. Well,
we could say Jeannie did it.

No, no, we couldn't say
Jeannie did it.

Well, we'll think of something.

Yeah, well, while you're
thinking of something,

I'll get the boat

and we'll have fun
until it's repossessed.

SCHAEFFER:
Oh, Major Nelson.

Oh, good morning, sir.
A beautiful morning, isn't it?

Yes. For winners maybe, major.

I'd rather not discuss
that subject, gentlemen.

Have you got those training
schedules ready, major?

Oh, yes, sir.
I have them in my office.

Oh, sir, uh, excuse me. Could I
speak to you for a minute?

Why, yes, of course.

I just wanted to bring you
up to date on our investigation

of the, uh, card shark.

How is it?
You caught him yet?

We're closing in.

The trouble is,
it may be more than one man.

Maybe a team.
A team?

PHELPS:
Oh, yes, sir.

Sometimes,
in order to avoid suspicion,

one man will win one night and
then he'll lose the next night

while his partner wins.

Oh, I see.

Well, we'll get him, sir.

We're keeping our eyes open for
any unusual lucky streaks or...

We're also on the lookout
for any sudden affluence.

You know, somebody who seems
to be living above their income.

Oh, Jeannie.
Oh, good morning, Jeannie.

Good morning, General Schaeffer,
Dr. Bellows.

Oh, dear. Could you help me?
Uh, yes.

Thank you.

Anthony, darling.
As soon as I get that,

I'll forward it on to you.
From Mama.

Huh?
Are they not beautiful?

Carry on.
Uh...

What is all this junk?
Oh...

Oh, hello, sir.
As you were, major.

I will only be
a moment, gentlemen.

I just wanted to show Anthony
these beautiful things

I got today.

Oh, look,
lovely gold candlesticks.

Yes. Oh, lovely.
Are they not beautiful?

And this Ming vase. Uh-huh.

And this antique ivory elephant.

Isn't he adorable?
Oh, that's cute. Yeah.

Oh, and look.
Look at this darling ruby pin.

Oh, they certainly
look expensive.

On a major's pay.

Oh, we could not possibly afford
these things

on Anthony's salary.

TONY:
No, it's just junk.

Her mother gave it to her.

Tell them your mother
gave them to you.

Oh, yes. Mama gave them to us.

Oh, well, they were just
gathering dust in her attic.

TONY [CHUCKLING]: Yeah.
I see.

Oh, and look at this adorable
diamond ring.

I have always wanted
a diamond ring.

That's a diamond?

Fake.
Why, it certainly is not fake.

My mama would not have
a fake diamond ring.

Look! Ha-ha.

General, Dr. Bellows.
Guess what.

I bought that speedboat anyway.

Hey, you don't think
that they think that...

I don't think...
I don't think anything.

Well, I'll tell you what I think
they think I think.

I think they think...
I know what you think.

A lot of guys have speedboats.
Not a lot of guys have

emerald-studded Ming vases.

Dr. Bellows wouldn't think
anything of us.

We probably have
a guilty conscience

because we cheated.
We didn't cheat.

Jeannie is the one that cheated.
[RINGS]

That makes a difference.
Yes?

Yes. Yes, sir.

Tonight?

Eight o'clock?

Oh, I'm afraid that, uh...

Yes, well, all... All right.

Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir.

They want to have a game
here tonight. Just tonight...

Tonight?
Hey, wait a minute, Roger.

This is the perfect opportunity
to let them win.

Even if we have to cheat
to let 'em win.

That's not gonna be easy.
Dr. Bellows can't win with

a seven-card-no-peaky-high-low
baseball with one-eyed jacks

and deuces wild.
Well, they gotta win somehow.

Wait a minute. Jeannie!
Jeannie! Come on. Come on.

But, master, I...
I thought you did not wish me

to interfere
with your poker game.

But this is different. General
Schaeffer and Dr. Bellows...

Well, they have to win.

And you've got to win for them.
Yeah.

Just do one of your favorite
blink tricks.

Oh, very well. Then I will
stand behind each one

as they get their cards
and then they will win.

No, darling. That's not what
we're talking about.

Oh, I understand.

You do not wish me
to be so obvious.

Really quick, Jeannie.

I know.

I know, I will blink
a magic chair

and then whoever sits in it
will win.

Sensational.

That's exactly
what I was talking...

Oh, that's good.
That's good, Jeannie.

They'll never suspect a thing.
That's obvious.

Nice and quiet.
That's not obvious, is it?

No. Never suspect that.
Oh, I'm sorry.

I will fix it.

Yeah, well, that's better.

That's a lot better.

Oh, good.

Now you have a magic chair

and I do not have
to be here tonight.

You see, Mama called,

and she invited me
to the sultan's palace.

It is the sultan's
wedding anniversary.

Heh-heh. Of course,

every day is the sultan's
wedding anniversary.

[LAUGHING] Yeah.

[♪]

Yeah, well, you go. You go
and have a wonderful time.

Yes, dear.

Mwah.

Good.

Hey, Roge, uh, how about
a little game, huh?

Ah, good. Good.
I'll tell you what...

[♪]

Out.

But, boss, you just said...

Out.

I am going to show you why
I am the boss and you ain't.

These here guys wanna dump you
in the bottom of the river.

But I say that is a waste.

And I hate waste.

A guy with a talent
like yours ought to use it.

Like tonight, for us.

Now, what do you say?

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

Help!

I guess sometimes
you got to have waste.

Don't you know it's against
the law to pollute the river?

We will risk it.

What...? Hey, wait a minute.
What's that?

That is your one-way ticket
to the bottom of the river.

I put my feet in there
and the cement goes on

and I go down to the bottom.

Okay, um,

what do you want me to do?

Just win.

Big.

Mm-hm?
Okay.

And remember,

the senator will have this

just to make sure you do.

Oh, I'll win.

I'm a winner.

Lucky me.

[CHUCKLES]

That is our boy.

Captain Phelps, I really don't
think this is necessary.

Sir, the motto in our line
of work is suspect everybody.

Major Nelson and Major Healey
are two of our finest men.

That simply isn't possible.

Well, of course.
It's out of the question.

Sir, look at it this way.

By keeping watch outside
the Nelsons' house tonight,

we are giving them an
opportunity to clear themselves.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Where have you guys been?
We've been waiting for you.

Yeah, I got a little tied up.

Come on.
Tony, I gotta talk to you...

Oh! I wanted to say hello.

BELLOWS:
Good evening, gentlemen.

Well, come on, let's get
this game going.

The same stakes tonight,
gentlemen.

I thought we might up them
a little bit.

Feeling lucky again, major?
No... Are we?

No.
No, not at all.

Yeah. Yeah.

I'll just sit down here.
Sit down.

That's the general's chair.
Oh, yeah.

That's all right.
I'll sit in this chair.

You sat in that one there
the last time.

Try this one.
It might change your luck.

Well, it doesn't make
any difference.

It doesn't make
any difference...

[YELLING]

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Come on, sit down, major.

We came to play cards,
not musical chairs.

Come on, gentlemen,
let's get going.

Let's get going.

Yeah. Shall we, uh,
start to deal?

All right.

Nice chair.

[♪]

What do you got there?
Queen.

Oh.
All right.

Here we are.

Five-card stud.

Ante one.

TONY: What stakes would you
like to bet for, uh...?

SCHAEFFER:
Oh, I don't care.

TONY:
Ten? Twenty?

How about uh, one, two and five?

BELLOWS:
One, two and five is fine.

MARTINO:
That's all right to start with.

We can raise it later.
I'm due for better cards.

TONY:
Ace bet, sir?

Uh, well, I...
I can't insult an ace.

Uh, I open for, uh...

Well, let's live dangerously,
huh?

ROGER:
Yeah.

Uh... Uh, 10 blues.

Yeah, well, that finishes me.

Well, it seems to be
my night, huh?

[WHISTLES]

Wow. That's funny how
we all had a streak of luck.

Yours is certainly running out,
major.

Yeah. I'll say.

Oh, your deal.

Mine.

♪ Cement mixer... ♪

[LAUGHING] Hey, that's an oldie.

Maybe it's coming back.

Maybe it's coming back.

Yeah.

Well, uh...

[SHUFFLES DECK]
...we're gonna play a new game.

Uh, it's called
seven-card switch.

Switch?

Yeah. We're all dealt
seven cards

and we turn the first card down
and everybody moves

one chair to the right.

Oh, come on, Roge.

Let's just stick
to straight poker, huh?

Yeah. Let's have some action!

Come on, Roger.
Let's just play straight poker.

Let's have some action.
We need some more peanuts.

We don't need any peanuts.
We need some fresh peanuts.

Come on.
What's the matter with you?

Major Healey, we're waiting.

Uh, I just decided we're gonna
play some seven-card switch.

Uh, you get seven cards and you
deal one and you turn it over

and then you move one chair
to the river... The right.

Straight flush.

b*at that.

Sorry, sir.

Royal flush.

That's five in a row.

Uh...

Yeah, that's right.
Royal flush.

[WHISTLES]

Ah! Who was that?

Yes, sir?

I didn't want to believe it,
but there's your card shark.

Where's your card shark?
He has trick cards.

What is happening?

Everything. Do something.

I have...
Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait.
You're making a mistake.

I mean, I'm not a card shark.
Why, there's your card shark.

Oh.
Come now, Major Healey.

Don't call him "major."

Call him Number 47658.

Wait a minute. Wait. He's not
a senator, he's a phony.

Is that true, master?

In spades, hearts,
clubs and diamonds.

Don't be ridiculous.

Well, of course it's ridiculous.

Now, gentlemen, if there's
still any doubt,

here's my identification.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]

That's just a... A joke.

Here it is!
All right, stand back.

My men are closing in
on the rest of them right now.

Good. Carry on.
Thank you.

I still don't understand

how you got all those
good cards, major.

Yeah, well, you see, sir,
I had to... I had to...

I had to win for the g*ng.
I know that, major,

but it still doesn't explain how
you got all those royal flushes.

It was like magic.

No, no, not... Not...
Not like magic, sir.

It was that card shark.

He was dealing the cards
to Roger.

Oh.

Yeah, that's right.
That sounds good. Yeah.

Well, now, that's that.

Uh... Uh, let's sit down and have
a few friendly hands of poker,

just to show
there are no hard feelings.

Uh, penny ante.

[♪]

You better blink out
the magic chair.

Blink?
The magic chair. Blink it out.

[HUMMING]

Oh.

[GASPS]

[♪]