04x04 - Grady and His Lady

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, what are you so
nervous about, Pop?

Well, Grady's supposed
to be here and he's late.

Well, Grady comes over here

almost every night.

So what if he's a
little late for a change?

Yeah, but he's
a lot late tonight.

I told him to be here at
7:00, he said, "No, 8:00."

Here it is going on
9:00, almost 10:00.

He's three hours late.

Well, don't worry about it, Pop.

Yeah, but maybe
he had an accident.

Maybe he got chased by a mugger.

Come on, Pop.

Yeah, see, if he got
chased by a mugger,

he'd be in trouble, see,

because he's got them bunions

on his big toes...

and his foot don't
bend too good.

See, so, if that
happened to him,

that mugger would hurt him.

The only thing he could
do against a mugger

is side-step like a crab.

You know, I wouldn't
worry about it

if I were you.

No, you wouldn't worry

'cause you go out every night

'cause you don't care about me.

I do care about you, Pop.

Now you don't care about Grady.

And what kind of a son of
a friend of a friend are you?

Look.

Everything is
gonna be all right.

[KNOCKING]

Now, look, I bet you
that's Grady now.

See? You were
worried about nothing.

Grady.

Fred, Fred, Fred...
Hey, Grady, what you...

What are you so late
for? Where you been?

What you got in there?

I got the... I got the best
wine that money can buy.

This is top shelf...
Silver Satin.

Come on in, Grady.

You sure acting strange.

Wait a minute. Come here.

Wait a minute.

Let me see what
you been drinking.

Let me smell your breath.

Fred... I haven't
touched a drop.

I want my best friend Fred
to be in on this celebration.

What celebration?

Yeah.

What you celebrating, Grady?

The greatest thing in my life.

You hit the number?

No.

Your bunions went away?

No, this is something
so special and so great.

I can't believe it.

Fred, you just don't
know how terrific this is.

No, I don't know,

because you ain't told me yet.

Yeah, come on, tell us, Grady,

because I got a date.

Oh, I'm gonna tell you.

I mean, I just can't
wait to tell you.

Well, you doing a
pretty good job so far.

Fred, my very best friend,

I want you to be
the first to know.

Well, go ahead,
go ahead. Tell me.

I give you three guesses.

I'll give you five of these.

Oh, come on. Guess.

Okay, okay. You
are... Getting married.

What did you say?

I said I'm getting married.

Hey!

Congratulations, Grady.

I think that's terrific.

Yeah, thanks.

Come on, Fred. Congratulate me.

I'm getting married.

That's impossible.

Why is it impossible?

Because it takes two
people to get married.

Now, who's gonna marry Grady?

None other

than the sweetest,
prettiest little thing

in the whole wide world.

I'm getting married.

You just wait until you see her,

and then you'll see that
I'm telling you the truth.

She is a perfect jewel.

If she's marrying you,
she's a perfect fool.

Say, when are we
gonna meet her, Grady?

Tonight, as soon as
she gets off from work,

she's gonna take the bus on over

and I'm go walk down to
the bus stop and pick her up.

Well, Grady, how
did all this happen?

Fred, it was... It was
just like in a storybook.

It was so romantic.

Well, where did you
meet this girl, Grady?

At J.C. Penney's.

It was... It was in
the tie department.

You see, I was
looking for this new tie,

and I couldn't decide
on what color to get...

you know, between
the stripes and solids,

and suddenly, I heard this
sweet little voice saying,

"Have you ever tried paisley"?

That's what she said.

Have I ever tried paisley!

Grady, we don't want to hear

all that old "he
said, she said" stuff.

No, no, no, Fred.

I was just coming
to the exciting part.

Well... well, get to it.

Well, after she held this
tie up next to my beard,

she said, "I think this
goes nice with your beard."

And it did,

because the tie was
a sort of a maroon

and my beard is a charcoal gray.

And you know

that charcoal gray and
maroon go real nice together.

Is that the exciting
part, Grady?

Oh, no, no.

See, when she handed me
the box with the new tie in it,

her hand touched mine,
and I got the shivers.

Did she have warts?

No.

It was... it was
just a feeling I got.

So, I hung around
until she got off of work

and then we went out

and had us a
couple of Fatburgers

and that's when I
knew she was mine.

She paid for them?

No, she didn't pay for them.

Well, how could two Fatburgers
tell you she was yours?

Well, when we ordered, she said,

"hold the onions on mine."

And that told me right then
that she was ready for business.

So, I immediately yelled
out, "hold my onions too!"

I knew we weren't
gonna waste any time

with any handshakes
when I took her home.

So, proposed right there
as we were splitting the bill,

and she said "yes!"

Now, what do you
think about that?

♪ It was a lucky April shower ♪

Grady, Grady, Grady.
Please. Please, Grady.

Don't dance on my
imitation Persian original rug.

Hey, Pop.

Leave Grady alone, man.

He's happy.

I sure am.

I feel a warm
sensation in my heart.

That ain't no
sensation. That's gas.

See, you don't need no wife.

What you need is a good physic.

Would you stop
putting Grady down

just because he's in love?

So he's in love

that don't mean he
gotta get married.

Get engaged.

What's the point in
getting engaged, Fred?

I want to get right
to the goodies.

Yeah, but getting engaged is...

Is like, uh, having
somebody else's credit card.

You can get everything you
want and don't have to pay for it.

Oh, I don't know, Fred.

You see, if I wait,

she might find somebody else.

Grady, if she's marrying you,

you can rest assured
there is nobody else.

No, now, you just
wait until you see her,

and see how adorable
and charming she is.

Lamont, put my
wine on ice for me.

I'm gonna go get my
honey-bunny sugar-plum.

Now, I'll be right
back. Just wait here.

♪ I found A
million-dollar baby... ♪

[KNOCKING]

Now, there they are now.

Now, don't go spoiling
it for Grady, all right?

I ain't gonna spoil nothing.

You don't have
to try to raise me.

You're my kid.

I understand that,

but just relax is what
I'm trying to tell you.

I know how to act. All right.

Grady.

Well, here I am with
the girl of my dreams.

Now get ready to
meet my little dove.

Okay, now, close your eyes.

And here she is!

This is... This is Dolly
Simpson, my Dolly.

Dolly, honey,

this is my best friend, Fred...

And that's his
loving son Lamont.

So very glad to meet you.

I see you do laundry?

It's awfully nice
meeting you, Miss Dolly.

Grady's told us
so much about you,

and... and Pop and
I wish you the best

in your new marriage.
Don't we, Pop?

Hmm? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Fred's gonna be the best man

at the wedding, hon.

Yeah, well, I'd like to
stay and chat with you,

but I got to be running off.

Miss Dolly, it was
nice meeting you,

and again, best wishes.
Oh, thank you, son.

Grady, why don't you and
Dolly sit over there on the couch,

and I'll be right back soon
as I say goodbye to Lamont.

Whoo...

Did you hear him
say "My little dove"?

He don't know a
dove from a buzzard.

Did you ever see anything

as ugly as that in your life?

Yeah, but I think it
was on Halloween.

Yeah...

It was probably carved
in a pumpkin. Wow!

Stop it, Grady.

You old silly.

That's me, just an old silly.

How you two getting along?

Oh, just fine, Fred. Just fine.

I was really looking forward

to meeting you, Fred.

Yeah, I told her all about you.

You'd be surprised
at the wonderful things

Grady has told me about you.

Yeah, and Grady's told me

lot of things
about you too, uh...

Molly... Dolly... uh, Jolly...

and I still don't believe it.

Grady's told me about
you having him over

to watch TV with
you every night.

Just about every night.

Well, now that
we're getting married,

he won't be doing that anymore.

He won't?

No, because all of his nights

are gonna be
spent with his lady.

Ooh, all my nights with my lady.

You see, he wouldn't need TV

long as he has
his Dolly to look at.

Not when I got
my Dolly to look at!

[GRADY LAUGHING]

I do appreciate your taking

such good care of my man, Fred,

but not I'm just gonna
have to steal him away.

Yeah, steal me away, honey.

She gonna steal me away, Fred.

That's called petty larceny.

But look at it this way, Fred.

When we get married,

you won't be losing a friend,

you'll be gaining a Dolly.

[GRADY LAUGHING]

Oh, Grady, you say
the cleverest things.

Yeah... I do.

This calls for a drink.

Yeah, this calls for a drink.

Hey, goodnight, Pop.

Hey, man, if you're
gonna watch television,

why don't you try
turning on the set?

Because I forgot.

You want me to
turn it on for you?

I don't care.

Hey, what's the
matter with you, Pop?

Come on. Snap out of it, man.

It just don't seem right,

watching television
without Grady,

and tonight we were gonna
watch his favorite show...

The Giant Porcupine
Visits the Sick People.

Well, you know, you
gonna have to get used

to Grady not being
here all the time,

cause he's got a woman
now, Pop, and that's...

that's more fun than
watching television.

I'd rather watch Wild Kingdom.

She should have her own show.

"Wild, Wild World of Dogs."

Yeah, well, you're just
gonna have to adjust to the fact

that Grady is not gonna
be here every night.

Yeah, and I ain't got
nobody to visit with me

because you go out all the time.

Hey, face it, Pop.

The two of them are
getting married, man,

and you are gonna
be the best man,

and by the way,

do you know what that means?

What?

You get to be the first
one to kiss the bride.

I'd rather kiss Mighty
Joe Young's armpits.

Now, you know, Pop,

if she looked halfway good,

you'd be trying to
steal her for yourself.

Who, me? Yes, you.

I wouldn't mess

with my best
friend's girlfriend.

I'm not that type of guy.

You got to be awful low-down
to do something like that.

Yes, you do. Well,
I'll see you, Pop.

I'm going over to Julio's.

Going to Julio's?

Well, don't drink the water.

I'm ashamed of you,

thinking I would do
something like that

to my best friend.

Fool around with his girlfriend.

I think that's the lowest
possible human being

in the world.

A man got to be
low-down and dirty

and a snake in the
grass to fool around with...

fool around with...

♪ Mm, la, la, la, la ♪

[HUMMING]

Operator?

Get me the number
at J.C. Penney.

No, no, no.

The one... the
one in the ghetto.

No, no. Way past Manchester.

Thanks a lot.

[KNOCKING]

Hello, Dolly.

Hi.

Hello, Dolly.

♪ It's so nice To
have you back ♪

♪ Where you belong ♪

Am I early? Where's Grady?

Oh, he's gonna be a little late.

Come over and have
a seat on the couch

and make yourself at home.

Ah, how nice.

You can have...
why don't you try

some of these Horse Divers?

Some of these what?

Ah, Horse Divers.

You see, that's
French for appetizers.

Try one of them there
with the baloney on it,

and dip it in the mustard
and shove it in your chops.

I mean, put it in your
mouth. Excuse me.

It's very nice of you

to have us over
for dinner, Fred.

Well, that is what
friends are for.

You know what I mean.

The least we can do
is fix you a nice dinner

because you won't be
doing that stuff no more.

Stuff like what?

You know, like,
when you get married,

when you get off of work late

and you have to rush right
home and fix Grady's dinner,

and iron his shirts,
and wash his drawers.

Mr. Sanford, Grady
is marrying me.

What he does from now on

really is just none
of your business.

Well, that's true.

I just want to wish you

the best of success
and happiness,

and everything.

Let's have a drink and toast it.

That would be nice.

Yeah, that would be wonderful.

I got some good
sparkling Burgundy here.

You do?

Yeah. Cold Duck, 59.

'59, was that a good year?

No, that's a good price.

Uh, Dolly let me toast
a little toast to you

for your matrimony.

Watch it, you clumsy
fool, look what you've done!

Oh, forgive me.

What... Look at...

What is this? Look. Look at me.

I apologize!

Well, just look at me.

I looked at you.
Can't I just apologize?

Well, what am I gonna do now?

Well... well... Look, Dolly,
listen. Here's what you do.

You go upstairs and
take your dress off,

and see if you can wash it out

with some cold water.

You throw it
down, and I'll do it.

Go on upstairs
and... and wash it out.

Wait a minute. Here,
take this with you,

to take the chill off.

Oh, you clumsy...
Dolly, just take it off,

and... and... and there is a
robe in the bathroom, on the nail,

and put that robe on.

It's Lamont's robe.

Throw the dress down.

[KNOCKING]

I'm coming. Wait a minute.

Hey, I'm coming!

Come on, Fred!

I'll just...

Wait a minute. Here I come now!

Almost ready.

What are you doing here, Grady?

What... what do you
mean, what am I doing here?

I came for supper,
like you said.

Well, I didn't know

you was gonna
get here this early.

Early? This ain't early.

What's wrong with you, Fred?

Why you acting so weird?

And what you doing
with that robe on?

Which question you
want me to answer first?

Why I'm acting weird, or
why I have the robe on?

Where is Dolly?

Dolly?

Yeah. Yeah, Dolly. My Dolly.

Is she here?

Uh... your Dolly?

She ain't here.

Well, they told me on her job

that she left for
here right after work.

Well, listen, maybe
she got stuck on the bus.

I mean, why don't you
go down at the bus stop

and wait for her, and
both of you come back.

Now, Fred, you know I don't
want to walk down to no bus stop.

You know how my bunions
hurt when I walk too much.

Anyway, something
strange going on here,

now, what's going on?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Ain't nothing going
on in this... I swear to...

What's the matter, Grady?

What's going on, Fred?

What do you mean?

What do you mean,
what's going on?

I mean, what's going
on, and... and... and off.

You see, I can
explain it, Grady.

You see, here's what happened.

I was fixing a couple drinks

for Dolly and I,

to celebrate your wedding,
and I tripped on the rug

and spilled the
drink in her lap,

and she went upstairs to
rinse out, in cold water...

so the dress stain
wouldn't stay there...

and Lamont's old robe was
on the nail in the bathroom

and she put it on,

and me, being the
gentleman that I am,

when she put the robe on,

I put mine on so I
wouldn't embarrass her.

Ain't that right,
baby... I mean, Dolly?

That's right, that's
exactly what happened.

And you expect me to believe
a cock-and-bull story like that?

It's true.

Oh no, I don't have to believe
a cock-and-bull story like that.

It's the truth.

You've gotta believe it.

Please believe it, Grady.

Oh, no.

Only a fool would believe

a cock-and bull story like that.

Now, do I look like a fool?

You don't look like no fool.

Well, only a fool would think

that I would believe

a cock-and-bull story like that.

Wait a minute.

Who you calling a fool, fool?

I think he was
talking to you, Dolly.

Well, I'm not gonna stand
here and be called a fool

by an old fool like you, fool!

I think she was
talking to you, Grady.

An... an... an old fool, am I?

Do... do... do you
know what you are?

You're a...

what's that woman's
name in the Bible?

Um, um, uh... Jezebel!
That's what you are.

You a Jezebel,

because she was...
She was, um, uh...

Wicked, that's right.

Wicked.

You can't talk to me that way.

Oh, yes, I can too.

Oh, yes, he can.

There's... there's a
word for women like you

who go around
flaunting their bodies

just to get a man's money.

You... you a female uh...

Gigolo. Gigolo,
that's what you are!

Your money? You
don't even have any!

And even if I did,

I wouldn't let you get your
hands on it. You... you... you...

Gold digger!

Gold digger!

Wanting to marry
me for my money.

I wouldn't marry
you for nothing.

Look, I don't even
want to see you again.

Get out of my way,

you and your funny-looking
charcoal gray beard.

I'm leaving.

Where's she going with my robe?

I don't know and I don't
care, because I'm leaving too.

Yeah, but where's she
going with my robe?

I... I... I don't
know, son, I...

I was just... I was
just standing here.

Now, come on, Pop.

Now tell me what was
going on here, man,

her in my bathrobe
and you in yours.

Well, I'll tell you
what happened.

See, I was getting
a couple of drinks

and I brought them over to Dolly

and stumbled on the rug

and spilled the drink in her lap

and she went upstairs
to wash the stain out

and she put on your robe

that was hanging on the nail

in the bathroom

and when she put your robe on...

I... I... I, being the
gentleman that I am,

I put my robe on

so that she wouldn't
be embarrassed.

And you expected Grady

to believe a cock-and-bull
story like that?

It's not my fault
he didn't believe it.

It was true.

Well, knowing you, it
probably is the truth.

It is the truth, and
I've always said

that truth will set you free.

Really, and I told
Grady the truth,

and set him free.

Yeah, that's great, Pop,

but where is she
going with my robe?

You still talking
about that robe?

That was my robe.

I know it was your robe.

Why don't you
give her your robe?

Because this is my robe!

I had to have something
to put on, didn't I?

Yeah, but what about my robe?

She'll bring your robe back.

Yeah, but I might as well...

You're not complaining
about a robe.

Take my robe!

Here's my robe!

Hi, son.

You going out or
you gonna stay home

and watch the
Roller Derby with me?

Going out, Pop.

You missing a good one tonight.

Look here, they got
the Tulsa Titwillows

versus the San
Diego Sap Suckers.

Sounds like a dynamite bill,
but I think I'm gonna hat up.

Hey, is Grady coming over here?

Oh, he might be coming around,

now that he's busted
up with old Deputy Dog.

Stop it.

Well, I'll see you later, Pop.

[KNOCKING]

Hey, I bet that's Grady now.

Hi, Grady.

Get out my way, Lamont.

You expect me to believe a
cock-and-bull story like that?

Get out my way, Lamont.

Well, I guess it's just
Sanford and the Sap Suckers.

[♪♪♪]