04x10 - Julio and Sister and Nephew

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Pop, what are
these newspapers doing

all scattered all
over the floor?

Uh, I shampooed the rug.

You did not.

You threw those
papers on the floor

trying to get to
the comics section.

Well, if you knew,
why'd you ask me?

I didn't ask you to ask.

I asked to tell you
that I don't want

these papers scattered
all over the floor.

Why don't you go in the kitchen

and have your breakfast?

That's a very good idea.

There's no breakfast in there.

I know.

Then why'd you ask
me if I wanted to eat?

I didn't ask you to ask.

I asked you to tell you

there wasn't nothing
in there to eat.

What's the matter with you, man?

Didn't you read the paper?

No. What happened?

Look here.

Lucy stole Linus' blanket and
hid it in Snoopy's doghouse.

I'm glad you told me.

Now I won't have to
watch the 11:00 news.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Julio,
what's happening?

Now, look, did your sister
and your nephew get here?

Oh, they did?

Well, sure, come
right on over. Okay.

Julio's sister and
nephew are here in town?

Yeah, but he didn't
seem too happy about it.

Well, you can't blame
him. They're Puerto Ricans.

Pop, why are you so prejudiced
against Puerto Ricans?

I'm not prejudiced.

It's just with me,
it's America first,

Watts second, Harlem third,

and Puerto Rico comes in
somewhere around 19th or 20th,

just before Beverly Hills.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Hey, Lamont. Wow, man.

Mr. Sanford, I got trouble, man,

and you are the only
one that can help me.

I'm the only one
that can help you?

That's right.

Well, you in bad trouble.

Say, what's the matter, Julio?

Is there something wrong

with your sister or your nephew?

Oh, man, yeah.

You know I got
two sisters, right?

I forgot my older sister
is allergic to goats.

She can't stay in the
same house with Chico.

Oh, wow, that's a drag.

Yeah, man, not only is
the house filled with the goat

running all over the place, man,

but there's goat
hairs all over, man.

Oh. Yeah.

So my poor sister, man,

last night she couldn't
sleep for one second, man.

She's exhausted.

So I was wondering, man,
I mean, you know, maybe...

Well, I mean... You know, I know
you ain't got much room, but...

You think maybe
just for one night,

you know, so my sister and
her little boy could sleep?

Hey, man, we got plenty of room.

Oh, man, that's...

No, we don't. No, we don't.

All our rooms are filled.

What?

All our rooms are filled.

With what? Air.
I'm airing them out.

And, Julio, I'd
appreciate it very much

if you would leave,

because you're
standing in a spot

where some fresh
air ought to be.

Oh, man.

Hey, Julio, my home
is your home, brother.

Oh, thanks, Lamont.
That's great, man.

Listen, I'm gonna be right back.

It's only gonna be for
one day. Thank you, man.

Let me tell you something.

I'm only gonna tell you this
one time and one time only...

I don't want any Puerto Ricans

living in my house.

I understand that,
Pop, but see...

I don't want any Puerto
Ricans living in this house.

I understand that,
Pop, but see...

I don't want any Puerto
Ricans living here in this house.

I know that, Pop...

[SHOUTING] I don't
want any Puerto Ricans

living in this house!

Not one.

Look, man...

I promised Julio I
would help him, man,

and we are. We're
gonna help him.

I don't care who you
promised something...

Here he is, Lamont.

Oh, goodness. Get
this k*ller out of here.

Where should I put him?

You mean to tell me you
want to leave the goat here?

Well, yeah, just overnight,

till I get the place cleaned
up, you know, that's all.

And then what you
going to do with it?

I thought... I'll tell you.
We gonna bury him.

I don't want no goats
and no Puerto Ricans

living in this house!

Would you wait a minute?

Wait a minute!

Julio, take the goat
back to your house...

I knew I could
count on you, son...

and bring your family here.

Up to zero!

Thank you, Lamont.
Thank you, Mr. Sanford.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Thank you, man. That's great.

Oh... Oh!

What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's all right, son.

No, come on, tell
me. What's wrong?

No, I don't want to
bother you this time.

Really. I got a
rare disease, son...

The Creeping Cucarachas.

Yeah, really, see,
it's a lot of blotches,

but you can't see them,

because they're
up under my skin.

Why don't you stop?

See, and they creep
up under your skin...

Uh-oh, there's one now.

See, it's creeping
up around my wrist

and moving up my
arm to my elbow.

Hold it. Stay.

Stay.

Down, boy.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Look, now, that's Julio

and his sister and
his nephew, Pop.

Now, try and be
nice to them, okay?

I'll do the best I can, son,
but these creeping blotches...

it's moving from my
elbow up to my shoulder,

and my shoulder bone is
connected to my brain bone,

and I might get a brain blotch.

Come in.

Carlotta, esta mi amigo, Lamont.

Lamont, this is
my sister, Carlotta,

and her son Roberto.

It is indeed a pleasure.

Hello.

Carlotta,

eso es el papa de
mi amigo, Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, I want
you to say hello

to Carlotta and
her son, Roberto.

Hey, Roberto, say hello to
Lamont and Señor Sanford.

Hey, Roberto. Hello, Lamont.

Hello, Señor Sanford.

Buenos tacos.

Buenos tacos, mama.

El hombre dice "buenos tacos."

Hey, he thought
that's funny, huh?

Well, you see,
Mr. Sanford, we don't...

He'll love this
one... Adios, bratos.

Hey, Julio, tell
your sister Carlotta

that I'm glad that she's here
and my home is her home.

Wow, that's nice.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Thank you very much.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Oh, no, no, no, no, look...

You don't have to do that.

Hey, listen, now,
you stay out of this.

This lady's a
guest in our house.

Get them papers
over there, honey.

Hey, Julio, look, tell
your sister Carlotta

that she doesn't have to
do any cleaning or cooking

because my Pop, see,
he does all the housework.

Tell her that.

Right, great.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[BOTH SPEAK IN SPANISH]

Hey, Lamont, what'd she say?

How would I know?

Who do you think I
am, Ricardo Montalban?

My mama say to clean is the
work of a woman, not the man,

and tio Julio say in this
house, you're the woman.

Oh, yeah?

You tell your uncle in a
minute he'll be a woman.

[SNIFFING]

You smell that?

Now, that is what breakfast
is supposed to smell like.

Eggs, onions, coffee,
peppers with butter.

Buenos tacos.

Hey, look at this, Pop.

Carlotta's cleaned up the room,

and she's already
started breakfast.

What do you mean,
she cleaned up the room?

Why do you jump
to the conclusion

that she cleaned up the room?

Oh, I'm terrible sorry.
Am I supposed to assume

that you came down in
the middle of the night

and straightened it up?

Or am I supposed to assume

that the living room
fairies came by and did it?

No, no, that would
be too hard to swallow

with this in your mouth.

[BICKERING]

Oh, buenos dias.

Yeah, bony knees to you.

Sit, please.

I hope you like the meal.

Oh, we'll love it.

No, no. No?

Mm-mm.

Hey, Pop, if you don't eat that,

you're gonna insult Carlotta.

My doctor's got
me on a strict diet...

No garbage.

Would you stop it?

Listen, that stuff stinks.

I ain't asked her to fix it,
so don't expect me to eat it.

Hey, man, why don't
you dig yourself?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, good morning, everybody.

Oh, no, another one.

Come on, Roberto, we gotta
sign you up for school, man.

Hey, how long
they gonna be here?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, Carlotta's
husband is moving here,

so I figure we better get
Roberto signed up in school

right away, you know?

They might be here a long time.

A long time?
Here? In this house?

Well... Pop!

Oh, it'll be a pleasure.

Hey, you really mean
that, Mr. Sanford?

Certainly I mean it, certainly.

Hey, man, that's nice.

As long as she
cleans up the house

and cooks for Lamont,
my house is yours.

So, since my house is yours,

hurry and get to your
windows and your floors.

Here you go, Pop.

Here's something
for the inventory.

Let's see, one tire, no
whitewall, small hole in it.

It's got about
four miles left on it.

Okay, that's...
I'd say two bucks.

Wrong.

Here you go.

One custom-designed gorilla
swing for your Aunt Esther...

twenty-five dollars.

All right, what about this?

Oh, let's see.

One tuba, two valves
missing, one don't work...

It's made out of
alulu... Uh, alu... brass.

Let's lift it up, son, and
see how it sounds, there.

Oh, gee whiz.

Here we go.

[PUFFS ON TUBA]

Five dollars.

Wrong again.

One flower planter

reminiscent of
John Philip Sousa.

[HUMS A MARCHING TUNE]

Would you please stop it?

What about this radio, Pop?

One radio, 1940
vintage. Let's see.

[CROONING]

Good condition. 15 bucks.

Tio! Julio! Tio!

Hey, he's not here, Roberto,

but come on over anyway, buddy.

Now, what's the matter, man?

Where's Uncle Julio?

Well, I think he went
shopping with your mother,

but how come
you're not in school?

No, no school. No school!

I hate the school.
No more school.

Hey, man, hey, look, don't cry.

Only babies cry.

[SOBS]

Oh, Señor Sanford?

Si.

They should not
return to here now?

Oh, they'll be back soon.

They went down to the
school to speak to the principal.

The principal? Yeah,
the boss of the school.

Boss of the school?

Yeah, El Chief-o of the Bratos.

Gracias. That's all right.

Listen, why don't
you do something

to take your mind off
Roberto, like the laundry?

Laumbry?

Yeah, laumbry. See,
whatever the problem is,

Lamont will take care
of it, because he's smart.

He can answer every
question on Hollywood Squares.

Questions?

Oh, si, preguntas?

Preguntas? No, you
thinking of the Newlyweds.

See, when a woman
gets preguntas...

[CLAMORING]

Hey, what happened?
It's not right.

I know it's not right, Julio,

but that's just
the way it is, man.

What happened?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

What happened?

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it!

Now, we have to start
speaking English here.

This is not the unemployment
office, you know.

Now, what happened?

What happened is that Roberto
can't speak English fast enough,

so instead of keeping
him in the fifth grade,

where he belongs,

they put him back
to the fourth grade.

I am not stupid.

I do not want to be
in a class with babies.

That's right. He's
right, Lamont.

I know that, but that's the way

the school system
is here in L.A., Julio.

The principal said if the
students can't keep up,

they have to put them
into a younger grade.

I can keep up.

But not in English.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'll get it. Come in!

Oh, excuse me, but are
you still open for business?

Of course we're
open for business.

You see us with this here
stuff to sell and everything,

don't you?

Well, I was looking
for an old lamp.

Welcome to Lamp City.

Oh!

Oh, this is just what I want.

Is it for sale?

My pop told me
when I was a little kid,

"Everything's got a price."

He's my son... 25.98.

Oh, my, you sound like
quite a businessman.

Well, you don't think

I own all this by
being stupid, do you?

No, of course not.

Well, how much do
you want for the lamp?

Twenty dollars. Forty dollars.

I beg your pardon?

Forty dollars. Twenty dollars.

I'll give you 20.

Sold. Sold.

What you do?

You sold it, my lamp?

It is the lamp I
study with at night.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

LAMONT: What's the
matter with the lamp?

What does he mean,
when he studies?

You want me to be a doctor, no?

So all night I study.

I have no eyes to
play the baseball.

And you're gonna
have no teeth to eat with.

Well, surely there are
other lamps in this house

that you can use.

They are no good.
That one is the right one.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

There is a better
light in the light store,

but it costs $30.
Now I have no lamp,

and you don't have $30
to buy me a new lamp.

I will fail in my studies.
I will never be a doctor.

You may never be 11.

Oh, you poor little child.

Here... Here's $30.

Now, you buy him that lamp.

Study hard, little doctor.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Hey, you know, that
was pretty smart of you,

jacking up the price like that.

You're nice, amigo.

Give me five.

No, give me 10.

Give you what? Give me my $10.

Your $10? Si, my $10.

You were only going to get 20.

I got you the other
10. It is my $10.

You know, you got a good
head on your shoulders.

You want to see it on the floor?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah.

Uh-huh, just a moment.

It's for you, señor... For me?

Yeah, and talk fast, yeah?

Because I don't like
my phone hung up

while I'm doing this work.

Yes.

Wait, please. Too
fast. One moment.

Señor Sanford, please... What?

It's the school where is Berto.

I do not understand.

Hello.

Oh, that was the boy's
Puerto Rican mother

and my personal secretary.

Oh, yeah?

All right, I'll send her over.

What is wrong? Is Berto hurt?

No, he's just been suspended.

Suspended? What is suspended?

Thrown out, kicked out,
"adiosed" from school.

My Berto?

Yeah. You'll have
to go over there.

Go? I don't know how to go.

Señor Sanford...

Please, don't get
no chili on my shirt.

What will I say?

I do not know how to go.

Señor Sanford, you
will take me, please?

Now? Yes, now, please.

No, I gotta finish this work

and then I gotta do some
things in the kitchen...

Please. And after that,

I gotta look in here

and see what Dear Abby
says about teenage petting.

Please?

Well, I... Okay, then.

Get your coat
and get your hat...

♪ And leave your worries
on the doorstep ♪♪

Very good.

Ask them to come in.

Your mother and a
Mr. Sanford are here.

Why you call them? I
know how to go home.

We can't send you
home without a parent.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

What is she saying?

[RESPONDING IN SPANISH]

What are they saying?

How should I know?

Who do you think I
am, Fernando Lummox?

Señor Sanford, what happens now?

What happened?
What did the kid do?

He simply refuses to
go into the fourth grade.

He insists he is smarter
than the fourth graders,

which I have no reason to doubt,

but, well, because of
the language barrier,

he can't keep up
with the fifth grade.

What he say, Señor Sanford?

He says Roberto el dummo.

No, no, no. I didn't.

I said the teacher is
unable to teach him.

See, the principal-o says
el teacho is the dummo.

No, I didn't.

Well, listen, if the
teacher can't teach him,

then you should put her
back in the fourth grade.

Mr. Sanford, most of our
teachers don't speak Spanish,

and the government
won't provide funds

to hire extra teachers who do.

It's unfortunate, really,
because in the younger grades

many of our children
are Spanish-speaking.

Well, that's stupid.

Here's a kid that
speaks two languages,

he's smarter than the teacher,
and he also sells lamps.

Sir...

Well, why doesn't the
government provide funds for this?

I don't know. I imagine
they have other things

they consider to
be more important.

Now, what's more important

than giving a kid a
real, good education?

Mr. Sanford, I respect
what you're saying,

and believe me, I wish
I could do something

to keep Roberto
in the fifth grade.

Well, you can.

Why don't you stay after
school and tutor him?

Mr. Sanford, I can't do that.

I'm the principal.

Forget about the principal
and take a little interest.

This kid needs help.

All right.

All right,
Mr. Sanford. I'll do it.

Right.

Mr. Sanford,
you're quite a man...

And you too.

And you're an asset
to this community.

You too, you too.

Listen, if you ever
want a piece of junk,

stop by my place and
pick out what you want.

Thank you very much.

Preferably a tall Puerto
Rican named Julio.

[BELCHES]

Go ahead.

Ask me that question again.

"Johnny has four apples,

"and Mary has three bananas.

Johnny gives two of
his apples to Mary."

Here, Mary.

"Mary gives one banana to Johnny

and eats two herself."

Oh, no, let's see that.

Well, so long, Pop.

So long, son.

I'll be leaving in a
few minutes myself.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Oh, look, don't forget, now,

Carlotta invited us
over for dinner tonight.

Oh, I won't forget. Okay.

I wish you'd tell me more

about that job that
you got at the school.

Oh, well, it's just a little job

where I help the
kids on a daily basis.

Well, with what?

Well, you know, leading
them on the straight and narrow

and pointing them
in the right direction.

And they pay you for
that? Well, not much.

It's helping the kids
that's more important.

You know what, Pop?
I'm proud of you, man.

I'll see you later.

Okay, son.

[TOOTS ON WHISTLE]

[♪♪♪]