04x20 - My Brother-In-Law's Keeper

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Two hundred dollars.

Hey, Pop, where are you?

Coming, son.

Look at this house.

Oh, excuse me, madam,
have you seen my father?

Madam? Ha-ha, that's funny.

Why don't you come upstairs,

and I'll flush your
brain down the drain.

Hey, I'm only
kidding, Pop, but...

Hey, I don't believe it, man.

This house,

I've never seen it
this clean before.

That's because it's never been
a honeymoon cottage before.

Honeymoon cottage?

Yeah, come over here.

I got this telegram
this morning.

Here, look at it.

Hey, what do you
know about that?

Aunt Frances
finally got married...

Mrs. Rodney Victor.

It's a beautiful
name, isn't it? "Mrs."

It sure is.

Yeah, see that?

Her and her husband
are moving to Los Angeles.

Have they found
a place to stay yet?

No. They'll stay with us
until they find something.

Hey, that's good, Pop,
because I like Aunt Frances.

Yeah, son, I'm telling
you, she's the greatest.

You know, that Rodney got to
be the luckiest guy in the world.

She's your favorite
sister, isn't she?

Oh, yeah, son.

She's Joan of Arc, Madame Curie,
Shirley Chisholm, and Lena Horne

all rolled up into one.

You roll all of them into
one, and you get Totie Fields.

That's funny.

Yeah, I'd thought
you'd like that.

Look here, son, I gotta
show you something here.

In the album book, look here.

Aw... That's my
baby sister right there.

Yeah, see...

You were more like a
father to her than a brother.

Yeah, that's right, see,

when our folks passed
when she was two years old,

I started raising her
like she was my own.

Brought her up myself.

Look at there, there
she is at four years old,

learning to make a
three-cushion billiard sh*t.

Aw, look at that.
That's a cute picture.

That's Aunt Frances

lying on a rug
with no clothes on.

You know what, Pop?

She looked a lot like you then.

That is me.

Hey, what does this
guy that she's marrying,

Rodney Victor, what
does he do for a living?

Son, I don't know what
he does for a living,

but it must be something good,

because Frances is too great

to settle for anything
less than Mr. Right.

I'll sure be glad
when they get here.

It'll be like one
big happy family.

That's good.

My house is their house.

Hey, that's nice of
you to say that, Pop.

My food is their food.

That's the way I like
to hear my old man talk.

And your room is their room.

Okay, I thought so,

but it's all right.
I don't mind.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Oh, it's the phone.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Frances. Yeah.

Where are you,
honey? At the airport?

We'll come right
out and get you.

Oh, Pop, we can't. I let
Julio borrow the truck.

You big dummy.
Why'd you do that?

Now you gonna get Puerto
Rican all over our truck.

Frances, honey, listen
here, change of plan.

Look, here's what you do.

You and your husband
catch a cab out here,

and your big
brother will pay for it.

Sure, and I'll give the
cab driver a good tip.

I'll tell him not to be
in this neighborhood

when it gets dark.

Yeah, well, look,

tell me all that stuff
when you get here, honey.

You and your husband
get a cab, yeah?

All right. Bye.

Hey, Pop, you know,

I haven't seen you this happy...

I haven't seen you this happy

since the Kit-Kat
Club went topless.

Yes, you have. When?

When they went bottomless.

"Welcome Sis and Broth"?

That's not broth.
That's "bruth..."

You know, like in brother.

Well, it looks
like "broth" to me.

Well, only a real dummy
would think that was broth.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Oh, there they are now. Give
me some money for the cab.

All right, I'll let
you have some.

You excited, huh? Yeah.

You ready? Yeah, hurry up.

Ready? Go ahead.

Come on. I'm coming.

You look fabulous, honey.

You really do. You really do.

Now, are you sure

your brother won't be
upset about me being white?

No, I don't think so,

but just to be safe, turn black.

Oh, honey, you're
so sweet. I love you.

Three dollars ought to cover it.

All right, here you go.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Get the door, son.

Hurry up and get the door.

Frances. Oh, Frances.

Hey, come on in, Rodney.

Gee whiz.

Oh, Fred, it's so
good to see you.

Hello, Lamont, darling.

Hello, Aunt Frances.
Nice to see you again.

Hey, Rodney!

Hey, Rodney! Stop
kidding around, Rodney.

Hey, just put the bag
right down there, driver.

Here, here's three bucks.

That ought to cover
the trip from the airport,

and a tip too. Thank you.

Hey, Rodney. Hey, Rod...

Hey, Frances, hey,
what happened?

Your husband's missing,

and hey, buddy, your
cab is missing too.

Listen, Frances,
Rodney wouldn't be

the kind of guy that would
steal a cab, would he?

Uh-uh, Fred.

Fred, this is not
the cab driver.

I'd like you to meet
Rodney Victor, my husband.

My brother-in-law!

Oh, Elizabeth...

Oh, Elizabeth, honey,
I got to come to you.

Oh, Elizabeth.

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, no!

Um, if you all will excuse me.

See, the situation

has completely
overwhelmed my father,

and I must calm him down.

Surprise.

Oh, shut up.

Look, don't drink it, Pop.

I ain't gonna drink it.

I'm gonna pour it over my
body and strike a match to it.

Yeah, that's a
shocker, isn't it?

Holy mackerel.

Will you look at this,
Frances? Look at this money.

Your brother must have
hit a daily double or perfecta.

Put that back. Put it back.

Oh, come on. Come on over here.

They're probably saving
that for something special.

Something Special?
What race is he in?

Hey, where's my racing form?

Rodney, nobody's
talking about racing.

Hey, Pop, you look frozen.

Sure, I'm frozen.

I just got hugged and
kissed by Snow Whitey.

I'll be right down, dear.
I want to wash my face.

All right, darling,
take your time.

Aha! Caught you, didn't I?

What?

Caught you trying to steal

the money we were
saving for a stereo.

I wasn't stealing it, Fred.
I was just putting it back.

See that?

Ahh... Ahh...

See, you're trapped
by your own words.

The question is,
Mr. Intermarried,

how could you possibly
be putting it back in there

if you didn't take it?

Ahh. See? Case closed,
and that's grounds for divorce,

and I'm gonna divorce
you from my sister

by the power vested in these.

I gotta tell you something.
Fred, I gotta tell you...

Frances said you were
funny, but you're hysterical.

Sis and Broth... That's funny.

Uh, I like the way you see
the humor in my father's stuff,

but just for the fun of it,
I'd like for you to tell me

how you could be
putting the money back

if you didn't take
it out of there,

because I like to laugh
too. You know, ha?

You know those three dollars he
gave me when I was coming in?

Well, I just put it
back in the drawer.

Sure you did.

Ha! Ha!

What were you
shouting about, Fred?

Oh, no, darling.

Nothing could ever be
wrong long as I'm alive,

everything gonna be all right,

so don't you
worry about a thing.

You just go on upstairs
and unpack your suitcase.

Yes, but I don't
want to put you out.

You couldn't put me out.

You mean all the world to me.

Now, go on upstairs

and take the first
bedroom to the left.

I'll go get the bags.

Yeah, and you come on back down

and take the first
couch to the left.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a place

for my sister and
her person to sleep.

See, here's what you do.

She'll sleep in your
bed, you'll sleep with me,

and the couch goes
to The Man from Glad.

Oh, oh, not to put you out.

You two sleep in your own beds,

and we'll just cuddle
up nice and tight

right here on this couch.

No, no, no. Wait a minute,
now, it's been all decided, now.

Look here.

Now, here's what it is... Okay.

Now, this is all
straight, ain't it?

This is straight. Okay.

Now, Lamont takes the
couch. That's fine with me.

I'll take Lamont's bed...
Sounds like a good plan.

And you and Rodney,
Frances, take my bed...

Whatever you say, brother.

And, Rodney, you
got the first watch.

From 12:00 midnight
till 6:00 in the morning,

Rodney will take the
first watch out in the yard,

and then I'll come
and relieve him

with the second watch.

You got it clear now?

See, and when he
comes in off his watch,

he can sleep here on the couch
to keep from waking up Frances.

Watch? What watch, man?

Would you please tell me
what you're talking about?

I'm talking about the watch.
I'm talking about the ghetto,

the ghetto, where people
have to watch their loved ones.

You can't close your eyes
for one solitary moment

and let your loved ones
lay there unguarded.

I'm gonna have my
loved one committed.

You're going bananas,
you know that, Pop?

Going Bananas... Going Bananas?

Wow, that's the
horse that's running.

Oh, I love you,
nephew. Hey, man.

Hey, son...

No, Rodney, not
horse racing again.

Please, honey. No.

Honey, he can't miss.

Now, listen, honey,

he's gonna be a long
sh*t because of the field,

but I know the trainer,

and he swore the
horse couldn't lose.

What's he talking about?

Fred, my husband
has only one problem.

Yeah, he's color blind.

No, he's a horse player.

RODNEY: Was, Frances, was.

Now, I haven't played the horses

in months, have I honey?

Now, I'll admit I've
blown a lot of money,

but I've quit, haven't I?

Well, you have eased
off. You really have,

but why are you
bringing it up now?

There's a horse running
at Santa Anita today

named Going Bananas.

Now, he's gonna
go off at 10 to one.

A hundred dollars
will get us a thousand.

Now, I know he's gonna win.

I know the trainer,
I know the horse,

and by sheer coincidence,

my dear nephew just said
the name, Going Bananas.

Honey, it's a sure thing.

I'd be willing to bet
all their money on it.

No, Rodney. No.

You ain't gonna put a
dollar of my money on that.

Come on, brother. Nephew...

Hey, man, say you
agree with me, do you?

Listen, Rodney,
I'm gonna tell you

what Frances should have
told you a long time ago.

Uh-oh. What's that?

This... I disagree
with gambling,

I disagree with you
marrying my sister,

and you disagree
with my stomach.

Oh, Fred!

Hey, Frances, come here.

Rodney. Rodney!

Let him go. Let him go.

But, Fred, he's my husband.

Will you shut up?
Will you shut up?

I got neighbors and everything.

Why? Why?

Who needs him?

She could have
had the real thing,

and winds up with
a pale imitation.

There's no sign of him.

Fred, how could you?
How could I what?

You were cruel to him.

I don't blame him
for leaving this house.

I'm almost tempted
to do it myself.

Oh, honey, don't talk like
that. My house is your house.

My husband's house is
my house, wherever it is.

Oh, I don't know

how you could have
married him, anyhow.

Oh, Fred, try to
understand. I love him.

He's kind, warm, generous,
good-natured, and he loves me.

Oh, be serious.

Oh, Fred, stop it.

You really mean, "How could I
marry a white man," don't you?

Well, ain't there no kind,
warm, generous, black men?

Yeah, there are many.

The most beautiful
one of all was you...

I don't want none
of that stuff on me.

Well, maybe if I had waited,

I might have found
another black man

just as wonderful,

but Rodney came along first,

and he just
happened to be white.

Well, I'm sorry, Frances.

Maybe he didn't go away mad.

Maybe he just went down
to the corner for a paper.

Of course, he went
to buy a racing form.

Where would that be?

Down on the corner. Let me go.

No, I'll go. I'll be right back.

Hi, Aunt Frances.

Hello, Lamont.

What's her rush?

She's rushing to try to
catch the white tornado.

I guess by that you
mean her husband.

Yeah.

Hey, what are you
doing home, anyway?

Well, I forgot to take
money with me this morning.

I couldn't buy no lunch.

Oh.

You know, son, maybe I
was a little too hard on him.

I think so, too. He's
not such a bad guy.

Nah. Yeah.

I guess you can learn
to like somebody like that.

Hey, Pop, it's gone.
All the money is gone.

What?

I knew it. I knew it, son.

I knew he was a crook.

We've been conned.
We've been hoodwinked.

We've been had by
the Kissing Bandit.

You know, son, I knew it.

I knew it. You just
can't trust them.

Bring them into your home,
and they rob you blind.

Okay, Pop, that's
enough, already.

It's all my fault, though,
son. I know better.

You're not supposed
to tempt them.

There's two things
you got to always do...

That's hide all your money,
and lock up all your liquor.

Let's not go accusing
the man on the spot

before we find out for sure.

Yeah, you're right, son.

We have to consider
the evidence.

Now, let's see. The cash
is gone, and he's gone.

Guilty.

Death by hanging. Case closed.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who could that be?

Could be the police.

The police!

Don't tell me you
called the police.

That's right.

Pop, we don't even know
if Rodney did it or not, man.

When they come in here, let's
not go mentioning any names

until we find out
for sure, all right?

No names, no names.

Hey, what do you say,
Lamont? Hey, Hoppy, Smitty...

Hey, Lamont, Mr. Sanford.
What's going on?

I sure am glad they
sent you two over

as opposed to two
other policemen.

Well, thank you very much.

You know, there's very
few victims of social injustice

who give us police
officers a warm welcome.

Say... What's the
problem, Fred? Well...

Well, see, it's kind of a
delicate situation, Smitty...

Now, just wait a minute.
Let me explain to the man.

Now, remember, just
remember, no names.

Okay. Well, listen,
here's what happened.

Now, my sister, who
we call "Madam X"...

Madam X.

Yeah, sent me a telegram

saying that she was
married to a gentleman

who we'll refer to now
as "Thieving h*nky."

Yes, okay, that is...

That's thieving h*nky. Yeah.

How do you spell
that, that h*nky?

Y-T.

Y... Y-T?

Yeah, say it again. Y-T, Y-T.

Y-T, Y-T.

Whitey. Whitey. Oh.

Would you stop it?

You don't say things
like that. I'll handle this.

Now, I'll handle this.

Look, we had a lot of
money here in the house,

and now it's missing.

Yeah, and we had a
brother-in-law in the house,

and he's missing.

I think I understand
what you're getting at.

Now, did either of you

actually see this
person take the money?

Well, no, we didn't
actually see him...

Well, then, Fred, you could
be jumping to conclusions.

Yeah, I'll jump on
his chest if I find him.

Not only that,

I'll play Ring Around the
Rosie and shove it up his nosey.

I don't know why she ever
married him in the first place.

Well, you may
have a point, there.

What are you talking about?

Well, I don't want
to be an alarmist,

but after two years
in the Bunko Division,

well, I... Well, what?

Well, there's such a thing as
a g*ng of unscrupulous men

who go around marrying
unsuspecting women,

and once they spuriously

interject themselves
into the family unit,

they purloin everything
they can through a series

of sophisticated
larcenous machinations.

The guy could be a con
man trying to rip you off.

Oh, no.

Now, this is only
guesswork, however,

and we policemen deal
in facts, only the facts,

never in guesswork.

Come on, Hoppy, let's
go. We'll see you later.

Oh, and remember, gentlemen,

the man is innocent
until proven guilty.

Oh, poor Fred.

He's got a brother-in-law
who's guilty.

He said that my
sister married that guy

and all he wanted to do was
get his hands on my bunko.

Listen, let's just
conduct our lives

as if nothing at all
happened, and sooner or later,

Rodney and Aunt
Frances will show up,

and you said yourself that if
your sister married somebody,

he would have to be Mr. Right.

Yeah, Mr. Right, not White.

Hi.

Hello. Hi, there.

Hi? Hello?

Hi... and hello?

That's all you say as
you walk in the house,

is hi and hello?

Pop, would you calm
yourself down, now?

Everybody says that when
they walk into a house.

Well, shame on them.

Will somebody please tell
me what's going on here?

Frances, it kills
me to tell you this,

but Rodney married you

so he could get his
hands on my bunko.

He stole my $200
out of the drawer

we been saving for a stereo.

Oh, I see.

Oh, Fred, Rodney didn't
take that money, I did.

Here it is.

Oh, no, no, no. I saw that...

I saw that in a movie
night before last,

where the wife made up
for the evil the husband did.

What movie?

It was called
Rodney Goes to Jail.

That's not what happened, man.

No, you see, when
Rodney mentioned

how excited he was
about that horse,

I took your money to
remove it as a temptation.

Oh, you took the money

so he couldn't bet it
on Going Bananas.

Mm-hmm. Well,
where you all been?

I went out to the
track to watch the race

to see if my hunch was right.

Was it? It sure was.

Going Bananas came in

and paid 10 to one,
just like I thought.

Now, if I'd bet $200,

we'd have had 2000
smackeroos right now.

You dummy! You big dummy.

You dummy!

Why didn't you steal my money?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh... what, what?

Where do I put
this stereo, ma'am?

Oh, just put it down
there, thank you.

You're sure welcome.

I sure hope you
all enjoy it, now.

Hey, what is that?

That's a stereo set.

I know it's a stereo set.

I can see it's a stereo
set. You think I'm blind?

I know what a stereo
set looks... What is it?

Sometimes it's best
to give my father

a glass of warm
milk and a Twinkie

and leave him alone.

Listen, now,
what's it doing here?

It's a present for you
from Rodney and me.

What... who... The
man at the candy store

told me Rodney
bought a racing form

and went out to the track,

so I went out there to find him.

Isn't she wonderful?

Is that love? Do you
see what we have, Fred?

I don't know what she got,
but you got chronic hug-itis.

Say, how'd you ever
find him at the racetrack?

Naturally, I couldn't,

and then I felt badly
for not trusting him,

and so I did what I thought
he'd do if I had trusted him...

I bet $20 of my own
money on Going Bananas.

And you won $2000.

No, 200, and so Rodney
and I bought this stereo with it.

Honey, you a tribute to
the man that raised you.

I mean it. When you
was four years old,

you made your first
three-cushion billiard sh*t,

and here you done won a
10-to-one bet at the racetrack

at the age of... Ssh.

I raised you perfect,
honey, didn't I?

No, Fred. I'm not
proud of myself.

I did take your money
without telling you.

Yeah, well, don't
even mention that.

What's mine is mine,
and what's yours is mine.

Fred, Fred, I gotta
tell you something.

You're the best.

You're the best broth
in the whole world!

No, man, not again.

Don't do that to me. Let me go.

Get this polar bear off me.

Get him off.

What a meal. What a meal.

Aunt Frances can cook, man.

Listen, son, I don't
think I've ate that much

in my whole life.

Well, you know,
Pop, I can understand

somebody having
firsts and seconds

to show their
appreciation, but ninths?

Frances sure looked
happy, didn't she?

She sure did, man...

in a house with nothing
but a bed, an alarm clock,

and a stereo that we
gave her for a present.

Yeah, I think she really
liked that as a present.

She sure did, and her
husband liked it, too,

and I want to thank you, Pop,

for finally making that man
feel at home in his own house.

Well, you know, I
look at it like this...

Ever since Frances was two,

I wanted to see to it
that she was happy,

so if she's happy
married to Paleface,

why should Chief complain?

[♪♪♪]