04x22 - The Mork Report

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Mork & Mindy". Aired: September 14, 1978 - May 27, 1982.
Mork is an extraterrestrial who comes to Earth from the planet Ork who meets Mindy his human friend, roommate, and eventual love interest.
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04x22 - The Mork Report

Post by bunniefuu »

MORK: Na-no, na-no.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.

Good evening, I'm Mork Wallace.

And I'm Morkey Safer.
And I'm Mork Reasoner.

Does my hair look
good from the back?

Welcome to the
expanded Mork Report.

This year's observer thesis deals with
the ever-burning question of our time:

"So, like, how's it going in Mork
and Mindy's marriage? Okay?"

ORSON: This better be good,
Mork. Your promotion is riding on it.

Oh, yes, your Ton-of-Fun-ness.

Let's just run it up the
flagpole and see if it sits.

Each year, sir, millions of couples
enter into the state of matrimony.

But getting married isn't the
trick, sir. Staying married is.

Why can't you do a thesis
on something I'm interested in?

Like "Why do hot dogs come six to
a pack and the buns come in eights?"

This is a little different format.
Just try and stay with me.

In my experience, sir,

there are four main ingredients
to a successful marriage.

It's a matter of blending
them in the proper amounts.

Take honesty for example.
It's always the best policy

except when you have a
psychiatrist with a big mouth.

Mind. Hon.




Puppy kiss didn't work.



Little Pooter?



You know this is my
one morning to sleep!

Mind, Mind, Mind!


Is that for me?

Thanks, sweetheart, that's nice.

MORK: Mwah. Oh...

Gonna thank me when you put it
on. Go in the bathroom and put it on.

- The bathroom?
- Go in the bathroom. Put it on.

I left the price tag on so you
know how much I really love you.


I saw that and I said,
"That's my little pooter."

Especially if it's half-price.

I wasn't sure what
your size was,

so I had to find someone
who was built like you.

Boy, was I lucky though.

There was a truck with a
flat tire. This guy was there.

He looked kind
of like you, Mind.

Only he had straight hair and
maybe his feet were smaller.

MORK: Oh...

What can you say?

Oh, Mr. Blackwell,
eat your heart out.

It's a combination of Li'l Abner
and everything I've ever seen.

Oh, honey, it's
the history of vinyl.

Mork, it's really unique.

Unique? It's a
piece of art, Mind.

Look at this. I mean,
Roy Rogers gone berserk.

I got it at a boutique
called Razorlips.

They even had fibreglass
underwear there.

Oh, Mind. Mind, Mind, you
can do a million things with it.

- Really? I can only think of one.
- Mm-hm.

I am so excited and
you look so good in this.

I have to take you out
tonight. We are going dancing.

Oh, uh...

No, uh, I can't. I don't have
the right shoes to go with this.

Guess again.

Oh, Mind, I bought them
from a man named Bubba.

- Look at that. Going up?
- Oh...

- Well, they go. They go.
- Heh-heh.

Oh, Mork, I just
can't accept all this.

Why not? You paid for it.

Hey, Daddy, did you
give Mommy that present?

Did you...?



I've never seen
anything like that.

If I can just get a...

- Say, "Cheese." MINDY: Oh...

MINDY: Cheese.
- I know it sounds corny, but... Heh.

Listen, you get the
one lady a little...

How about a sultry one,
you know, kind of like this?

The kind of "in" stuff,
okay? Neat. All right.

If I put the rope in front of the
picture, it'll look like you're hanging.

[CHUCKLING] Here we go.

Hey, that's just like
sh**ting a stick of wood.

Oh, come on, Mind,
try and look festive.

If they look good, we can use
them for our Christmas cards.

- Give Mommy the film.
- No, no.

- Give Mommy the camera.
- You can't have it.

I've got at least seven
left and five of kitty

flying from the main
house to the garage.



Oh, Mind, put on those shoes.

We're gonna go out and get a
paper and, oh, honey, I'm so excited.

I can imagine going out and going,
"Honey, can you see the clouds?"

- Oh, Mork, sit down.
- All right, Mind.

I don't know quite
how to put this.


It's not as though I don't
appreciate the thought.

But this just isn't my taste.

Well, I know, Mind, but
I'm tired of your taste.

Mork, this all was a
very sweet gesture,

but I think we should
take this stuff back.

Mind, I don't believe you.

Oh, Mind, are you telling me that
you would rather wear this schmatta?

And you won't accept my present?

Oh, sweetheart, I know what
I'm saying is hard to accept,

but we love each other too
much to live under false pretenses.

And I feel a lot better
just telling you the truth.

- Oh, I'm glad you feel better.
- Oh, what? You'd prefer that I lie?


Well, is that how you
want our marriage to be?

I mean, never knowing what
the other person's really thinking?

Oh, but couldn't you just
wait a couple of months

and then said you ruined it
in the greased pig contest?

First of all, I probably
wouldn't have thought of that.

Secondly, you're the only person
I can really be totally honest with.

Well, I understand now, Mind,

and since you're being
totally honest, sit down, please.

I have to tell you something.
You have the dress on backwards.

Sir, honesty is only one
small link in the emotional chain

which forges our relationship
and allows these two life forms

- from two different environments...
ORSON: Let's go, Mork.

I'm on the water diet. I can't
stay in one place too long.

Of course. We'll skip over if there's
noise in the middle of the night,

who goes and looks, and go
straight to the next topic, respect.

Well, I thought Aunt
Eunice was very coherent

for someone telling
anecdotes under sedation.

I still don't understand
why a 73-year-old woman

would want a nose job.

Fred, I don't know.

Maybe she got tired of
having Cub Scouts asking her

if they could hold
meetings in it.

Okay, come on, honey.
We have dinner reservations.

Okay, but this time you handle
Mearth if they run out of cheesecake.

Mork, Mearth, come on.
We're ready to leave for dinner.


Okay, let's go. I gotta get gas.

Mork, what was wrong with
the jacket I laid out for you?

This is our sacred, most
sacred Foliage Festival.

Oh, yes, the most
sacred holiday in all of Ork.

Are we going or not?
These coupons expire at 8.

Why don't you two go
and have a good time?

I'll stay here and
mulch the boys.

Okay, we'll see
you later, honey.

CORA: Have fun.

Oh, dear. Oh, what a thrill.

Eating alone with Fred.

Well, maybe I can pick
up a newspaper on the way.

Well, at least if she's reading,

she won't be slipping her telephone
number to the wine steward.

Mind, how could you ridicule
my religion in front of your family?

I have never ever
been so humiliated.

I'm sorry. It's just that
looking at you two gives me

this incredible urge
for spinach salad.

I hope you're kidding
about that, Mommy.

Our heritage is no joke.

Our roots are one thing.
Our leaves are another.

That's right, Mind. I honor
your religious holidays.

I even fasted on Yom Kippur till I
found out that you weren't Jewish.

I'm sorry, you're right. I
should have more respect.

That's why you're
joining in our ceremony.

- No, no, no. You two don't need me.
- No?

I mean, I can't even get
an avocado pit to sprout.

Join with us now. Join
with us. Ready, son?

Yeah. This is a sacred dance.

[SINGING] You put your right
foot in You put your right foot out

You put your right foot in
And you shake it all about

Wait a minute. This
is the hokey-pokey.

Hold it, hold it.

Some of the greatest

have been written by the
greatest masters of Ork.


We have to go on
without your mother, son.

She's a non-believer.

We will carry on the
Fern Fest without her.

- Okay.
- I'll read now

from the Sacred Book of Fern.


The non-believers will believe. I
will now believe and yet you know.

Those who have seen
the foliage will believe.

Let us leaf to Book
Four of Fern One.

But then this same brutal
sun b*at down upon the land

and made the little tiny
plants wither and die.

Oh, no, like a
Tennessee Williams play.

It's so hot. I never
knew, I never knew!

But one tiny plant did survive,
and we know it fought off the bugs

that tried and the heat and the
terrible, terrible calamities around.

- Is it not true, son?
- Well, I hope to tell you it is.

MORK: Mind. Are
you snickering at us?

No. No, my lip has
had a little jump.

A little jump.

- You're mocking us, aren't you, Mind?
- I'm not.

I'm not, I just... I... I was
appreciating your ceremony.

- I should hope so.
- I am.

A bush is a terrible
thing to waste.

But then a miracle did appear,

and from the heavens poured
forth great torrents of rain.

Or maybe Tustins
of rain. Who knew?

Mind, could you help
us with this, please?

Would you spray...? Just add
this. It won't hurt you to do that.

- Okay.
- You become the rain.

- Ready, son?
- Yes.

Hit me about here.


Oh, yes!

And the blossoms were
born again upon Ork,

and once again lush foliage
thrived all over the planet

and Orkan brides no longer
had to throw rocks as bouquets.

Oh, son, don't do that.
You'll deflower yourself.

- Amen.
- Amen.


Come on, Mind. Come in.

Is it all over?

No, now we have the reception.
We have to step on the paper cup.

Great. I'm gonna go run and fix
my hair and get my beaded bag.

Wasn't that something? You know,
Mommy was really moved to tears.

You know, son, I think
this has given your mother

a new appreciation
of our culture.


ORSON: Mork.
- Sir?

Need I remind you your
promotion is riding on this report?

Oh, I'd rather you didn't, sir.

Sir, the next ingredient is
often the primary motivation

- for marriage in the first place.
- Her family has money?

No, sir, I'm talking
about romance.

In too many marriages, sir, the
flame of romance flickers and dies.

But ours burns hotter than
an aluminum bench in Cairo.




ORSON: Cut. Mork, you're lying.

Sir, what gives
you the absurd idea

that I'd have to exaggerate
about my love life?

- You always lie in black and white.
- Well, sir, come on now.

There are certain things
that should remain private.

Unless, of course, you're
Mr. and Mrs. Erik Estrada.

Well, this has been
very educational, Mork.

I'll get back to you
on your promotion.

Oh, but, sir, you can't walk out now
before the grand finale: compatibility.

According to Webster's, a noun,
state of existing together in harmony.

See Mindy, Mork and...

You watch too much TV.

Why don't you read
a magazine instead?

Yeah, you're right, Mind. I should
catch up on my current events.

Do we have the new TV Guide?

No, let's see. We've got New
Woman, Working Woman,

Woman's Work, Woman's Life,
Life with Woman and Lady Beautiful.

Do you have anything without
Brooke Shields on the cover?

- Mmm, yeah. Ta-da.
- Oh, thank you.

Look at this, Mind.
"Aphrodisiacs on a Budget."

Let's see.

Oh, Mind, here's one of those
compatibility tests. You wanna take it?

- Okay. But no cheating.
- All right.

Oh, all right. I
promise, I promise.

Okay, let's see here.

First question.

"Is your spouse as affectionate
as when you were first married?"


- Eh.
- Oh!

Second question.

"When you're having an
argument, who gives in first?

You or your spouse?"
That's easy. Me.

Wait a minute. You know the
first one to give in is always me.

You always have the final
word. Remember last time?

You fell asleep.

You just finished my
sentence. I rest my case.

Let's not argue
about our arguments.

Just put me down as
the one who gives in.

- No, it's me.
- It is not. It's me.

- Me.
- You know it's me.

- All right, I give in. It's you.
- Oh, no, you don't.

You're just trying to
make me look bad.

No, I'm just letting
you win like I always do.

I can't believe you're
being so childish about this.

I mean, you think the
magazine can hear you give in?

Oh, okay. Okay,
I'll put you, cheater.

Look, let's just forget
this test and go to sleep.

Oh, okay, fine, fine,
fine. Fine with me.


I heard that.

Oh, this is really stupid.

Now, I've got a busy day tomorrow.
I've gotta get some sleep. Tsk.

All right!

That's it. You know, I really
hate it when you act like this.

- Yeah.
- Oh, really? You know what I hate?

I hate it when you gargle and
you don't make any noise. It's like:

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

Well, nothing annoys me more

than when you go through a
salad bar without using a plate.

Oh, really? Well, you
know what annoys me?

When you get out of bed and
you put on those silly slippers.

What, are you going out for milk
and cookies with Martha Graham like:

It just so happens I'm afraid
to go barefoot in this house

since you opened your
home for battered lizards.

They're the only ones
that'll eat your dip.

- My dip?
- Besides, I cleaned up after them.

Nothing could be clean
enough. You are neurotically neat.

You are. You wash the soap
before you wash your hands.

- Oh, that's ridiculous.
- Oh, really? Ridiculous?

Okay, a little test right now.


This is supposed
to bother me, right?

We'll see.

Oh, this is ridiculous.


Say the magic word,
the hat might disappear.


Mind, Mind, Mind.


No, no, you didn't.

You did.


Mind, you flushed my cap.

Right now some alligator's
probably wearing it.

No, I didn't flush it, but
believe me, I wanted to though.

Oh, Mind, that's
what I love about you.

No matter how mad you get,
you'd never do anything to hurt me.

Well, I flushed your
Batman toothbrush instead.

Well, that's all right. His little
bat wings were worn off anyway.

Aren't we silly?


I wouldn't trade these
last four years for the world.

- I love you, Pooter.
- I love you too.



Who could possibly
be as happy as we are?

Or as good at making up?


And so you see, sir,
these are the elements

which helped make
our marriage successful.

And the fact that Mindy doesn't
have a mother-in-law who says:

"Can't Mork live at home
and you two just date?"

ORSON: Why bother, Mork?
It all seems like such a hassle.

Oh, sometimes it is, sir.

The work is hard,
the hours are long.

But every time I look at
Mindy I see warmth, I see love.

I see someone who makes me feel like
I matter in this vast, lonely universe.

That was very touching.

- Thank you, Mork.
- Oh, sir.

The grades will be posted
on the bulletin board.

Oh, no, sir. I can't
wait. I have to know.

Did I cut the mustard or
do I get the promotion?

- Ten-hut!
- Here, up, ooh, up.

Mork from Ork, by the power vested
in me through the Grand Council

and the Jaycees, I hereby
grant you your stripes.


Sir, a master sergeant?

You could knock me over
with an anorexic. Thank you.

You've earned it, Mork.
Huzzah and na-no.

Oh, na-no, sir. Come
on, fella. Come on, fella.

Oh, I can't wait to take you home
and sew you on my uniform. Come on.

Yeah, boy.
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