05x11 - The Olympics

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

who's the handsomest man of all?

Now, take your time.

I'll turn around here.

You ready?

Here we are.

Handsome Freddie.

♪ Doo, doo... ♪

[STACCATO KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hiya, Fred.

Come on in.

How did you like
my secret knock?

Secret knock?

Yeah, that was, uh, two
heavy ones, three light,

and four quick ones.

That's so you
can tell that it's me

and not some crazy
burglar knocking at the door.

Now would some burglar
go around knocking

on somebody's door?

That's what makes him crazy.

Say, Fred, how come
you all dressed up?

It's Saturday night. I'm
going over to Donna's.

Donna's?

Fred, I thought we
was gonna watch

the awards show tonight.

The awards show? Yeah.

Another one? Which
one is it this time?

Well, Fred, this is the one
that we've been waiting on.

It's the Best Monster
Movie Awards.

Well, listen, is Gork
up for anything?

Oh, yeah.

He's up for the
most painful death

from a single bite
by a swamp monster.

Ooh, wow.

I'd love to be here
with you, Grady,

but I gotta go over to Donna's.

I got a date with an angel.

♪ Got a date with an
angel Doo bee dee ba ba ♪

[WHISTLES]

Hey, what's happenin', Grady?

Hi, Lamont.

I'll drive you over to
Donna's. Okay, son.

Grady, you go ahead and
watch as long as you want to.

I'll be back shortly.
Okay. Say, thanks, Fred.

Say, is... Is it all
right if I help myself

to a snack during
the commercials?

Why is it, Grady,

you always wait till you
get over here to get hungry?

Well, Fred, maybe that's because

you park the truck
out in the front.

And, now, everyone knows

that they serve good food
where truck drivers stop.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Donna, darling.
It's "Ready Freddie."

Fred!

What are you doing here?

What do you mean,
what I'm doing here?

It's Saturday night, ain't it?

You belong to me,
and I belong to you...

and who belongs to this cigar?

Fred, that cigar belongs
to my date tonight.

A date?

I mean, you got a lot of nerve,

having a date on Saturday night.

Well, Fred, I'm sorry,

but you didn't say anything
about coming over tonight,

and, after all,
you don't own me.

I know I don't own you,

but I've made nine
years' worth of payments.

I mean, where is he?
Where is this guy?

Bring him out here.

I'll face him man
to man, fist to fist,

and face to face.

Just bring him on out
here and show him to me.

That's all, just...

Hey, say, listen,
buddy. You're lucky.

I was gonna give you some
of these across your lips,

but it's against my principle

to hit a man...

To hit a man with, uh, glasses.

Lou, this is Fred Sanford.

Fred, meet Lou Turner.

Pleased to make your
acquaintance... I'm sure.

Why don't we all have
a nice glass of wine?

I'll get the glass.

What you trying to do there?

I mean, you ain't gonna
get no milk out of that.

Listen, Lou.

Let me make this as
simple as possible for you.

See, Donna and I don't
stand on that old etiquette stuff,

so you can feel
free, at any moment,

to get the hell out of here.

Fred! That's not polite.

Please, please, sit down.

Here, Fred, here's
some nice imported wine

Lou brought over
from his liquor store.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I don't drink nothing

ain't got no label on it.

[DEEP, PRETENTIOUS] I
put the wine in the decanter

to allow it to breathe.

[MOCKING] Breathe?

That is correct.

You see, fine wines
must be decanted.

They have a limited
life in the bottle.

Five years for white wine,
50 to 60 for Burgundy,

and approximately
50 to 100 for Bordeaux.

And three days for 7UP.

That is the most
ridiculous thing

I have ever heard.

That's the most ridiculous thing

you ever heard?

Is it? Uh, uh, Fred...

Fred, look at this, uh...

Look at this pamphlet
Lou brought over.

It's all about the Senior
Olympics this year.

What's that?

Athletic events
for persons of 50...

and over.

Oh... I... Oh, I remember that.

On your mark, get
set, ready? Keel over.

Well, Sanford, for
your information,

in order to participate
in the Senior Olympics,

one must be sound
of mind, fleet of foot

and in excellent
physical condition.

I do 100 push-ups every day.

Well, here, add
another one to that.

Shove your lips up your nose.

Fred, honey...

Lou won the decathlon last year.

And I have every intention

of winning it again this year.

Listen, I've had
enough of this chitchat.

Now, Donna, you
gotta make a decision.

Now, who do you want?

Me, who's been faithful
to you all these years,

or this wino-come-lately?

Now, look here.

You look here, Sanford.

No, buddy, you look here.

Listen, you want
me to decant my fist

upside your face? Fred!

Acting like a fool.

Who's a fool? Say
that outside to me!

Come on outside and say that.

I'd be happy to.

Well, come on, then.

Lou! Fred!

Don't worry about nothing.
I can take care of myself.

Oh... Fred. Fr...

Wow, Fred. Fred,
you just missed it.

Gork won.

[SARCASTICALLY]
Whoopee, whoopee.

Whoopee for Gork.

But he wasn't there, so
Godzilla accepted for him.

You know why Gork
wasn't there, Grady?

Why?

Because Gork was over
at Donna's with a decanter.

Oh, you mean that
there was another man

at Donna's house.

Yeah. Some old guy
named Lou Turner.

I sure would've loved
to have heard you

just cuss him out, and...

punch him in the mouth,

and wipe up the floor with him.

You know, Grady, I
got too much dignity

to be fighting in
front of Donna.

Oh... you mean big Lou Turner.

Yeah, the one that
won the decathlon,

the senior decathlon last year.

I think I've lost
Donna to him forever.

Oh, you know, he wins
the decathlon every year.

As a matter of fact, he's
in it all alone this year.

Everybody's afraid of him.

Well, I ain't afraid of him.

Oh, okay, then it's settled.

You enter the decathlon,
and then we'll...

Decathlon, me?

Me, in a decathlon? Right.

Forget that, Grady.

I'm not gonna get
in no decathlon

till I get one thing
straightened out.

Now, what's...
What's that, Fred?

What is a decathlon?

That's where they
have 10 events.

You know, like,
the 400-meter run

and the high jump,
and the hurdles,

the javelin, the sh*t put

and the 50-yard dash...

Right to the hospital
into intensive care.

Well, Fred.

I mean, don't you want
to win Donna back?

I mean, after all, faint
heart never won fair lady.

And stopped heart
never did too good either.

You got one thing going for you

that Lou doesn't have.

What's that?

Me as your coach.

Oh, pfft.

Come on, Fred, now.

Remember, this
is for Donna, now.

Yeah, for Donna...
Fred, you can do it!

I can do it, Grady.

Yeah!

And when she sees... Sees
you win that gold medal,

Yeah.

You'll be first in
her heart forever.

Yeah, Grady.

Yeah, you can do it, Fred.

That 400-yard...

The javelin. The
spear, the javelin.

The ja... Yeah!

The long jump.

Yeah! Yeah, Grady.

Do you believe...
The pole vault!

Yeah! Do you believe
that you can do it?

I believe I can do it, Grady.

Do you know that you can do it?

I know I can do it.

Do you have all the
confidence in the world

that you can do it?

Got the confidence, Grady.

Great!

Then I'll bet you five
bucks he kills you.

Out.

Hey, Lamont, come on down, son.

Breakfast time!

Ding-dong, ding-dong.

Open your eyes, son,
and say, "Hi, world!"

What's going on down here?

That's what I really like,
a lot of screaming and...

Well, how do I look, son?

Like an old hot dog

with mustard and ketchup on it.

You know, you're
really being ridiculous

with this Olympic stuff, Pop.

This is not gonna
impress Donna, not at all.

It's not gonna
impress her one bit.

Listen, son.

You're entitled
to your thoughts,

and if you want to be
entitled to your teeth,

you shut up.

All right, you can say
anything you want to,

just don't scream no more

because I'm not
awake yet, all right?

[SHOUTING] Good morning, Lamont!

Shh!

Quiet, Grady. Lamont
didn't wake up yet.

Oh, okay, Fred. I
can understand that.

Shh.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[WHISPERS] Breakfast is ready!

We're gonna have
to get some castor oil

to catch this.

Well, how about we
have a little orange juice?

[SPITS]

Hey, Grady, I thought you
said this was orange juice.

Lamont, I said that that
was a little orange juice.

Now, the rest of it

is turnip nectar,
horseradish juice,

and the essence
of collard greens.

You know, Pop,

you're going about this
whole thing wrong, man.

If you wanna get in shape,

why don't you try taking
a long walk every day?

You got a point there.

Well, I'm glad you
finally realize that.

Well, listen, why don't
you set an example

by starting off first?

You take a long walk,
and start on the roof.

All right, go ahead,
be a wise guy,

but don't say that
I didn't warn you

when you get yourself
hurt, maybe seriously.

Oh, don't worry about me, son.

When it's time
to die, then I'll die

for something
worth dying for, love.

Like Romeo and Juliet,
Bonnie and Clyde...

And Ike and Tina Turner.

I'm going in the kitchen

where I can get some
rest and some quiet

and get myself some
decent breakfast.

Yeah, son, you
go in the kitchen.

This is ridiculous.

I'm not gonna eat this
stuff over here. This is...

Okay, Fred,

I have a whole schedule
of exercises for you,

so I wanna see you and
the team out in the yard.

All right, men. Line up.

Well, okay.

First we'll start off
with 20 push-ups, Fred.

Okay?

Twenty push-ups? All right, yep.

Now, you lie down on the ground.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Go!

One.

One.

One...

Say, Fred,

you mean you can't
even do one push-up?

Would you please,
one "help me up"?

All right, Fred.
Okay. All right.

Uh, now we're gonna jump
a little rope as soon as...

Oh, here it is, over here.

All right, we're gonna
jump a little rope,

because what this does

is develop the legs
and the bust line.

Men don't jump no rope.

We don't know how
to jump no rope, Grady.

Well, it's easy, Fred,

I used to jump rope
with my sister all the time.

I bet you got b*at up a lot too.

No, no, look,
look. I'll show you.

It's just very,
very simple, see?

Just one, two...

See, it's easy once
you get the hang of it.

See?

Okay, now you try it. Oh, Grady.

I don't wanna try
no rope nothing.

I don't do that.

Oh, okay.

Well, how about we
practice on the discus?

That's okay. Get the discus.

Oh, okay.

Here.

That ain't no discus.
That's a hubcap.

Well, just use it
for practice, Fred.

I can't practice with this.

This is from my
presidential collection.

Your presidential collection?

Yeah, see, this is a Ford,

and I got one from a Lincoln,

and if the next president
is "Rufus R. Toyota,"

I'll have three of them.

Well...

Okay, here. Here's
an old one over here.

Okay.

All right. Ready?

The discus, now. Discus.

Wow, you sure got
a strong arm, Fred.

Yeah, yeah, that's because
that arm wrestling I always do.

I'm the best at that.

Yeah, you are. You
sure gonna win that event.

Yeah.

And you'll probably win
the boomerang event too.

Hey, what's shakin', Grady?

Hi, Rollo.

Say, Pop, there's
your hubcap, man.

I want you to know
it just missed me.

Well, let me put it on
the truck and try again.

No, man, don't do
me no small favors.

Say, why are you all dressed up

like Friar Tuck?

That's not...

Fred's practicing for the
Senior Olympics, Rollo.

Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.

Hey, well, that's
out of sight, man.

Hey, good luck.

Hey, look here.

Maybe by New Year's Day,

they'll let you play
in the "Old Bowl."

Yeah, and tomorrow,

you can get in the Tidee Bowl.

Okay, Fred.

Now we're gonna
practice the 50-yard sprint.

Sprint?

Grady, you know I
can't sprint no 50 yards.

Okay, come on, Fred,

now, you wanna win
Donna back, don't you?

Okay, okay.

All right, okay.
Now, I want you...

You run down to the
lamp post and back.

All right? Okay.

Okay. Wait a minute now.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Okay.

Hey, man, it's not enough
that we have to go...

Where is he, Grady?

Oh, Fred's out practicing
the 50-yard sprint.

The 50-yard sprint?
Grady, are you crazy?

This has gone far
enough now. This is it.

He's gotta put a stop to it.

This is... This is ridiculous.

All right. Okay, Lamont.

Okay, we'll quit as
soon as he comes back.

He'll be back in a second.

Say, man, I thought
you said 50 yards.

I mean, where is he?

Oh, he'll be back.

[PANTING]

How... How'd I do?

Go!

Hey, Fred!

What?

Come on. You
only got a half hour

before the Senior
Olympic Bowl starts!

I'll be right down.

Did you make that phone call?

Everything is taken care of.

What phone call?

Uh, uh, uh, well... [KNOCKING]

It's the door, I'll get it.

I don't understand this
Olympics stuff, Grady.

Oh, hi, Donna.

Hello, Lamont. Hi, Grady.

GRADY: Oh, hi, Donna.

I'm so glad you could come over.

Maybe you'll be able to talk
some sense into my father.

Well, I'll try. Please.

I didn't dream he was serious.

GRADY: Come on, Fred!

Coming. I told you
I was coming down.

Hello, Donna, Lamont, Grady.

Good to see you all standing
outside my locker room.

Uh, you want my autograph?

No, but I'd like to have
your head examined.

Fred, listen to me for a moment.

What, honey?

I came over here to tell you

that what you're
doing isn't necessary.

You don't have to
prove anything to me.

Please, Fred, stop all of this.

Forget about that, Donna.

It's time now that somebody
took that loud-mouthed Lou

down a few pegs.

When I get through with him,

his high's gonna be hurdled,
his sh*t's gonna be put,

and his broad's gonna be jumped.

Fred!

Well, listen. Come
on, coach. Let's go.

Maybe we should've
gone to watch Fred.

I think we did the best
thing by staying here.

If we had gone down there,

he would've just
acted more silly

than he did here.

We did the best thing...

but where could he be?

Oh, relax, Lamont.
I'm sure he's just fine.

Yeah, I might as well relax.

[HUMMING]

Hi, Lamont, Donna.

Hi. Is Fred all right?

Oh, he's fine.

[DONNA GASPS]

Fred... How wonderful.

Look at all those medals.

Uh-huh. Hey, Pop,
I can't believe that.

Are those all real?

Of course they're
real. Solid gold,

and I'm gonna have them bronzed.

Are they picking up the light?

Now, look, everybody, see...

Now, this one over
here is for the decathlon,

and all of these are for winning

first place in all 10 events.

Hey, Pop. I'm really
proud of you, Pop.

I really am. So am I.

Fred would've done
much, much better

if he'd had somebody
to compete against.

Good, Grady, good. Good.

That was good, Grady.

You mean to tell me

you were the only person
in the whole Olympics?

Huh? Yeah.

But what happened to Lou?

He chickened out.
He's a weakling.

He's a sissy.

LOU: Hello, Sanford.

He's a here.

I heard what happened.

I came to offer
my congratulations.

Very sporting of you, Lou.

Lou, what happened?

Fred said you
missed the Olympics.

I know, Donna.

Just as I was leaving,
someone called,

said they were going to
hold up my establishment.

I was obliged to stay.

Why, that's a shame.

Why... that's a shame.

Yes, well... That's
the breaks, Sanford.

Can't win them all.

Yes, that's the breaks.

Funny thing, though.

The fellow that called used
a very strange expression.

"Goog poobly poo..."

No, that's "Good goobly-goop!"

Well, I guess I'll
be leaving now.

I guess I'm going in the closet

and shut the door.

All right, just a moment, there.

Oh, I see you won
the arm wrestling too.

Yes.

Well, had I been
in the decathlon,

you may have given
me a little competition,

but both of us in the
arm wrestling, Sanford,

absolutely no
competition whatsoever.

Are you challenging me
to some arm wrestling?

I believe your
interpretation is correct.

Uh, wait a minute, Mr. Turner.

That's quite all right, Lamont.

No, but see, the
thing you don't know...

Trust me. It's quite all right.

Fred, Lou, this is ridiculous.

[GRADY LAUGHING]

Oh!

[WHIMPERING]

Yeah, on the top,
winner and still champion!

Lou! Lou, what is it?

Oh, Donna. I do believe
I sprained my arm.

Oh, you poor thing!
Here, let me help you.

"Oh, you poor thing."

Lou, come.

I'll take you to my house,

and I'll put some
heat on it and then I'll...

Over to your house
to put some heat on it?

Wait a minute,
Donna. Just a second.

I thought we were gonna
have a little celebration night.

The thrill of victory
and the agony of defeat.

I'm sorry, Fred.

We'll have to do
that another time.

It may take weeks
before Lou's arm heals.

Come on, Lou. Yes, yes.

It may take weeks
before it heals, Sanford.

I suppose I should
be angry with you

for tricking me
out of the Olympics

with that phony phone call,

b*ating me at arm wrestling...

but I realize you did it
out of love for Donna,

the mark of a true champion.

I bow to you.

I... salute you.

[♪♪♪]