05x13 - The Oddfather

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING]

Lamont?

Lamont! Lamont?

Check the kitchen. Uh, Lamont?

Hey, Lamont.

[CLATTERING]

Where is he? What?

I don't know.

Officer Smith, if...
If he's in this mess,

we're never gonna find him.

What's happening?

What's going on here?

Hi, Donna.

Do you know where Lamont is?

Why, yes, he went to Bakersfield

to pick up some
refrigerators. Why?

Uh, can he be reached?

Well, I don't know.

I think he said

he was going to sleep
in the truck tonight.

What's the matter?

Well, uh...

I'm afraid we got
some bad news for you.

Uh, hold it, Smitty.

We don't want to, uh...

We don't want to upset the lady.

Uh, you'd better sit down.

What is it?

Please, sit down.

I don't want to sit down.

Well, then, would
you mind if I would?

I've really had a rough day.

What is happening?

Please tell me.

Don't be worried,

and don't be frightened, Donna.

He's gonna be all right.

Who?

Fred, but don't worry about it.

Yeah, you see, he was only
run over by some gangsters

and given two days to live.

It's nothing.

Fred was run over
by some gangsters?

Well, only his toe.

He's all right.
He's in the hospital.

Oh. Well.

What's all this about being
given two days to live?

He witnessed a
m*rder by Mr. Big.

He's the only man

ever to see Mr. Big
actually pull the trigger,

and the Mob has threatened
to k*ll him if he testifies.

Well, he just won't
testify. It's that simple.

Well, there's a $25,000
reward if he does.

That's not so simple. Let's go.

All right.

This is worse
than basic training.

Well, Bert, I'd better
get back inside.

Okay, Bill.

Well, what did the nurse say?

Three-O-something I don't know.

Hold it right there. Freeze.

It's okay, sergeant.
We're police officers.

How do I know that?

Anyone can acquire a uniform
and say he's a police officer.

Hey, will you... Turn
around. Turn around.

Get your hands
up against the wall.

Drop your IDs on the floor.

My gosh, he is good.
I mean, I just love that.

I mean, it's so real.

I mean, this could
be a movie, sergeant.

Can I see Fred now?

Hey, Smitty, Hoppy.

HOPPY: Hello, Bill.
How you doing, Bill?

Hey, Bert, they're all right.

Please, may I... Who is she?

Oh, this is, uh...
This is Donna Harris.

She's the fiancée
of the doomed man.

Will you stop that?

You have a great
fiancé, Miss Harris.

Can I see him. Is he all right?

Well, his foot hurts a
little, but it'll be all right.

Is Fred in there all by himself?

Don't worry. We
gave him a whistle.

If he gets in
trouble, he blows it,

and we'll be in
there in a second.

Uh, sergeant,
how's he bearing up?

He's a trooper, a real trooper.

A brave man, Mr. Sanford.
The stuff heroes are made of.

Can I go in now, please?

Yes, of course.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

What?

What's wrong?

What is it? Her, her!

Donna?

Me?

Yeah. How do you know it's her?

Yeah, how do I know it's her?

Only she knows if she's her.

She could be disguised
as her and be them.

Oh, Fred. Now, you know it's me.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you really Donna,

then say something that
only Donna would know...

and make sure
that it's something

that I would know
Donna would know.

Hmm... All right.

Every time I come
over to the house,

and you're alone,
you always try to...

Donna, Donna, honey, that's you!

Oh, honey, oh.

Hey, keep an eye on her for me.

Oh, Donna. That's you, darling.

Listen, what did these
fellas bother you for?

Hey, give me more
fruit. More fruit.

Hey, listen, next time,
get some nectarines,

because they're in season too.

You bet, sir.

Hey, listen, would you gentlemen

be kind enough to leave me
alone here with my fiancée.

Let's go, out. Oh, certainly.

Yeah, yeah, out,
out. All of y'all. Out.

Fred, does your toe hurt much?

Enough.

Enough? Enough for what?

Enough for me to live
here as long as I want to,

and be waited on hand
and toe by the L.A.P.D.,

and get all I want to eat,

and have a big color
TV up on the wall.

And be a target

for every hired
k*ller in the country.

Don't worry, darling.
Nothing could happen to me.

Can't you see?

I got half the police
force watching me.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

What was that?

Oh, my God!

Clear... Clear the window!

Goodbye, cruel world.

Goodbye, hemorrhoids!

What happened here?

My 'nana go boom.

I want a rundown

on everyone who
touched this man's banana.

Right, sergeant.

I wanna know the
history of this banana

from when it was on the tree
until it blew up in this room.

Send a man to every
fruit store in this precinct.

Bring me back names,
addresses and phone numbers.

And bring me back
some nectarines.

I'm very sorry for
that, Mr. Sanford.

Listen, listen... What
about my electric shaver?

Hopkins? Yes, sergeant.

Get this man the
electric shaver.

Right.

Could you leave me
with my fiancée now?

Yes, sir. Out.

Yeah, out.

Hey, hey, Donna. Hm?

When Lamont gets
back from Bakersfield,

he gonna be rich.

Fred, now, what are
you talking about?

Look here.

Did you see the newspaper today?

No. Look here.

There's a $25,000 reward
for anyone giving information

that leads to the
arrest and conviction

of one Daniel Tracy,
also known as "Mr. Big."

Now, all of a sudden, I
have become "anyone."

You are about to
become "dead one."

Oh, Donna, that's ridiculous.

Now, Fred...

Now, how did you get
involved in all this, anyway?

Well, let me tell you.

I was going through my
regular hard day's work...

Mm-hmm.

And I was coming
out of the movie, and...

And this car came
zooming around the corner,

"Rrrh," zoom,

and this big fat guy
leaned out the window...

He had an earring in his ear...

And he sh*t this
little skinny fella

who was standing there,
had popcorn in his teeth.

Fred, you were
standing that close?

That's right.

Oh, how can this city
let hoodlums like that

run around the street free,

k*lling and sh**ting

with no regard for human life.

Oh, I can't stand
it. It's wrong.

Ow, ow!

What is it? What
happened here? What is it?

Hey, listen, uh...
pardon me, fellas.

Can I talk to my
fiancée in private now?

Oh, certainly,
Mr. Sanford. Okay, out, out.

SANFORD: Yeah,
out. Put your p*stol back.

See, Donna, I got it made.

When Lamont comes back,

I'll tell him to get married,

and after he gets married,
just spend a full life,

and just bring the
grandchildren by

to see me every Sunday.

Fred, you can't spend
the rest of your life

in a bed.

Hello, Mr. Sanford.

Why not?

Uh, Gloria, Angel of
Mercy... meet Donna.

Donna, Gloria.

Hello.

Hello.

Are you comfy and cozy?

Yes, I'm comfy, and
this is my friend "Cozy..."

And as soon as
you leave the room,

"Cozy" here can
come a little closer,

and make "Comfy"
a little more comfier.

Oh, Mr. Sanford,
you are the one.

I am the one. I am the one.

That's wonderful.

Mm-mm. Yeah.

She's kind of cute, isn't she?

She just started this afternoon,

and she took the other girl's
place that was on earlier.

Why did she take
somebody else's place?

Don't ask me why.
How should I know?

[TICKING]

What's the matter?

Aah! Throw it away.

Do something, will you?

Oh!

[expl*si*n]

Aah!

[WHISTLING]

Where, where?

What happened? What is it?

The nurse who was just in here,

she left a time b*mb
under Mr. Sanford's pillow.

Sounds like a
tooth fairy gone bad.

How did that nurse
get in here anyway, Bill?

Oh, she was in earlier.

She just reported to
work on an earlier shift,

and I theorized
she was all right.

You "theorized"?
You "theorized"?

I'm sorry.

You "theorized"?!
He "theorized"?

What else can we tell you, Fred?

Tell me what "theorized" means.

Assumed.

Assumed? Assumed?

Well, uh, Mr. Sanford,

according to Webster's
Collegiate Dictionary...

I know what "assumed" means.

Now, just go on back out there

and be a little bit
more careful, will you?

Will you do that?

And... Oh, my gosh. What?

My pocket transistor radio.

You must have thrown it out
with the time b*mb, Donna.

Bill... Yes, I'll pick
one up right away.

Gentlemen, might I be
alone with my fiancée?

Oh, certainly. Let's go.

Right.

Fred...

you are ripping off
this city for a fortune.

No, I'm not.

I'm only getting
what's coming to me.

After all, I'm
handing them Mr. Big

on a silver platter.

Yeah, if you live that long.

Oh, I'll make it, Donna,

and Lamont will have
everything that he wants,

and then you'll have
reason to be proud of me,

and all of you will
be proud of me

because I finally did
something to make you proud.

And I... I risked my life
for the sake of justice.

Justice?

You mean, for the
$25,000, not justice.

"Justice" good.

Just as good.

You know something,
Fred Sanford?

Now, please don't
lecture me, Donna.

I'm left in a hospital
with a busted big toe,

being chased by gangsters,
and I haven't had my nectarines.

I'm not gonna lecture you, Fred.

I'm going to tell you
I am proud of you,

really proud.

Oh, not because
you're risking your life

for your son... or
for the money...

or even for justice.

I am proud of you because
you are what you are...

a very, very brave man.

Ouch!

[a*t*matic g*nf*re]

[SCREAMING]

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

This is your idea of protection?

This is your idea

of taking care of Mr. Sanford?

Look at this room...

b*ll*ts, bombs, explosions.

It's all right, honey.
I've calmed down now.

It's not all right, Fred.

Yes, it is.

Come on.

Now, will you please tell them

that you don't know

who sh*t that poor man
with the popcorn in his teeth,

and that you're
not going to testify,

and then you won't
need protection,

and they'll leave you alone.

But I am gonna testify,

and I'm gonna get that $25,000,

and I would
appreciate it very much

if you gentlemen would
take better care of my life.

We're awfully
sorry, Mr. Sanford.

We'll call headquarters,
double the guard,

make sure no one slips by us.

Make sure no one
stands near that window,

and keep the drapes closed.

Right, sergeant.

Oh, where is he?

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

sh**t her! sh**t her. What?

A gor... A gorilla. sh**t her!

No, hold it!

Fred, are you crazy?

They could have k*lled Esther!

And won the love

of every man in the
world who could see.

Fred Sanford, I came
here feeling sorry for you

because you were
att*cked by criminals.

I remember how scared I
was when they robbed my store,

but at least they
didn't run over my toe.

I can see that.

They ran over your face.

You can insult me all
you want to, Fred Sanford,

because I'm here on
behalf of my church,

and I cannot be hurt.

Well, then I apologize
for insulting you.

Oh, Fred, do you
really mean that?

Of course I do, darling.

Darling?

Listen, would you do
me a favor, sweetheart?

Of course, dear. What is it?

Well, it's a little
stuffy in here.

Would you mind
pulling them drapes back

and open the window for me?

Not at all.

No, no. Hold on, ma'am.

Would you all excuse us, please?

I'd like to speak to, uh...
Fred and Esther alone.

Oh, certainly.
She's all right, Bill...

And, sergeant, Okay.

I can vouch for this woman.

We'll be in the hallway, Fred.

All right. Listen, any
of y'all going outside?

Why, Mr. Sanford?
It's about time

for my roast beef sandwich.

I'll pick one up for
you right away, sir.

All right.

All right, Esther.

Now, what's all this business

about the church?

I just want to know
how much of the $25,000

Fred's gonna
donate to the church,

praise the Lord.

He is not going
to testify, Esther,

so he won't be
getting any money.

Is that right, Fred?

No, that's not right.

I'm gonna testify,

and I'm gonna get that $25,000,

and I'm gonna put
most of it in a trust fund

for my son, Lamont,
and I'm gonna...

I'm gonna spend
the other $23,000

on yours truly.

Fred Sanford...

you may be able to
turn a deaf ear on me,

and you may be able to
turn a deaf ear on the church,

but you will never be
able to turn a deaf ear

on your conscience.

It's just unfortunate
I only got two ears,

and I wish they was long
enough to cover up my eyes

so I wouldn't have to
look at your ugly face.

Why, you heathen!

Ow!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

sh**t her, sh**t her!

sh**t her!

But Mr. Sanford,
she's your sister-in-law.

That don't make no difference.

Her face is wanted
in three continents

for indecent exposure.

sh**t her!

Take your hands
off of me, heathen!

Mr. Sanford, as the
police commissioner,

I wanna tell you that
every man on the force

is proud of you.

Well, I felt it was my
duty, commissioner.

May I quote you as saying that

on the air, Mr. Sanford?

Why, sure.

I feel the two go hand
in hand. Which two?

Uh, his money and my duty.

See, his money is number
one, and my duty is number two.

Mr. Sanford, in
a couple of hours,

I'm gonna bring Daniel
Tracy in through this door.

All you have to
do is identify him,

and we'll protect
you until after the trial.

Oh, by the way...

here are your nectarines.

Uh, would you mind
taking the pits out?

Mr. Sanford, what do you intend

to do with the money
once you get it?

Well, I intend to give the money

to the Fred Sanford Foundation
for 100 selective charities.

Oh, really? What are
some of those charities?

Well, one of them
is for an old man

with a young son, 34 years old,

whose mother
d*ed at an early age,

and he was forced
to live in Watts

and drive a red truck.

There a lot of those?

You'd be amazed.

Hello, Fred.

Donna.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, this is wonderful.

Donna Harris, meet
Commissioner Daly.

How do you do, sir?

Miss Harris.

And here's Mr. Martinson
from the 4:30 news.

Hello. How do you do?

Fred, here's your mail.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Get-well cards from
all of my friends.

Let's see, this
one's from Grady.

"Dear Fred, I am
very proud of you.

"You just go ahead and testify.

"Good conquers evil,
and right makes might.

"Nothing will happen to you.

P.S. Can I have your color
TV after they rub you out?"

That old dumb Grady.

Here, let me see that.

Yeah, take it.

And check it for fingerprints.

See what this one is.

"Dear..."

What? What does it say?

Nothing at all, honey. Nothing.

Oh, it's not a "nothing."
It's a "something."

Let me see. No, it's nothing...

Fred, I can see it in your face.

Listen, I say it's nothing

and you can't see
something in my face

and don't argue about it.

Now, just leave me alone.

Just leave me
alone. Just go on out.

COMMISSIONER: Come on. Fred.

FRED: Out. Please,
Donna. Just leave me alone.

Please, please.

"Dear Hero:

"This is your final warning.

"If you don't want your
son and girlfriend hurt,

"forget you saw anything,

"and then forget
everything else,

"or your company will
be Sanford and Nobody.

Remember, forget it."

I gotta forget it. I
gotta forget everything.

I gotta forget everything I saw.

What did I just say? I forgot.

Stand by, please.

Action.

Good afternoon.

Don Martinson and the 4:30 news.

I am standing

in the very well-guarded
hospital room of Fred Sanford,

the man who saw Daniel
Tracy allegedly sh**t

Johnny Popcorn two days ago.

In a few minutes,

the police commissioner
will bring in Mr. Tracy

for Mr. Sanford to identify.

Well, Mr. Sanford,
how do you feel?

I don't remember.

You don't remember how you feel?

Hey, where am I? Where is this?

What am I doing here?

Why was I born?

♪ Why am I living? ♪

Do you remember
seeing a m*rder this week?

Week? Uh, what's the week?

What's the matter with him?

The poor man's mind is gone.

Now he doesn't have
a mind or a personality.

Well, maybe seeing Daniel Tracy

will stir up a memory.

Commissioner?

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is Police Commissioner Daly

and the man with him
is Mr. Big, Daniel Tracy,

owner of Tracy's Toyland
and Massage Parlor

in El Segundo.

Let's watch.

Mr. Sanford... Oh, yes.

How is he?

What I'm about to ask
you is very important.

Now, your identification
can have a big effect

on the future security
of the people of this city.

Do you recognize this man?

Man?

What's a man?

Is this a man?

Uh, hello, man.

Mr. Sanford.

This is Daniel
Tracy, a.k.a. Mr. Big.

You said that you saw
him attempt a m*rder.

m*rder? A m*rder?

Oh, let me fluff my m*rder
and go get some rest.

Hey, commissioner, can I go?

You're wasting my time.

Oh, he's holding
back. He's faking.

No he's not, commissioner.

The poor man is obviously sick.

Looks like he's
got amnesia to me.

Yeah, that's right, amnesia.

I don't remember...

I don't remember your
name, his name, or my name.

Now, listen, Daly,
leave out of here

and take Mr. Tracy with you.

Mr. Sanford, it sounds like
your memory is coming back.

Will all of y'all get
out of here now?

Leave me alone.

Can't you see the
man is petrified?

Yeah, get out of here, Donna.

Donna, Donna,

and get on this horse
you brought in here

and ride away.

Why, Fred Sanford, you old...

That's him.

That's him!

That's who?

The man who robbed
our store three years ago,

and wounded my husband, Woodrow.

That's him.

Oh, he...

Would you swear to
that in court on a Bible?

Use mine.

Lady, you just made
yourself $25,000.

No, praise the Lord.

My church just
made itself $25,000.

But, commissioner,
isn't she in danger now?

From what?

The Mob wouldn't
dare touch her now.

She just made a statement
on national television

holding a Bible.

She is safe, Miss Harris.

Wait a minute.

It's all coming back
to me clearly now.

See, he's the one that did it.

Too late.

She b*at you to it.
Get him out of here.

It's... He did it. Good day.

Would you come with
me? Wait a minute.

Big fat guy, guy
with an earring.

Wait a minute.

Well, that's it
from the 4:30 news

in a hospital room
in Los Angeles.

Back to you, Jim.

No, back to nobody.

Give me a hundred dollars,

and I'll tell you who
it was that did it.

Good day. I'll identify him.

See, I was outside the
movie, when this car...

Fred...

Donna, give me a dollar.
I'll tell you who did it.

What are you doing?

No, that's my
letter. Wait a minute.

"Dear Hero, This is
your final warning..."

So that's what happened.

Oh, Fred,

you were willing
to risk your own life

for the $25,000,

but you wouldn't risk mine.

Well... Fred, you're wonderful.

You're... so special.

You threw away the $25,000
and didn't even tell me why.

I got a lot to be
thankful for, Donna.

I mean, I got me a radio,

and I got me an electric shaver.

I get all I want to eat.

That's right.

I got a color television...

and you got a lot to be
thankful for too. What?

That the reward wasn't $50,000.

Fred, you wouldn't have!

I'd like to think
I wouldn't have.

Hi, Fred.

Oh, hi, Donna.

Ah.

What did the doctor say?

He said you'll be out of here

in a couple of days.

Oh, he did? Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe I'll just
stretch it out a little bit.

Listen, everything
is free, ain't it?

It's not free.

When you refused to testify,

you gave up the
right to charge the city

for everything.

Well, let's get on out of here.

Oh, no.

Fred, I don't think
you're healed properly.

No, I'll be all right.

Hand me my shoes over there.

Let's get on out of here.

Here.

Well, all right.

Come on. Let's
get on out of here.

Get my clothes down
here, down the hall.

[♪♪♪]