02x26 - Will the Real Mr. Howell Please Stand Up?

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

[Guitar music playing]

Reporter on radio: we interrupt this program

For a special news bulletin.

Thurston howell iii,

Financial wizard of wall street,

Has been rescued after being given up for lost

In the shipwreck of the minnow so long ago.

Please stand by for an on-the-spot, exclusive interview.

Mr. Howell! Mr. Howell!

Hey, mr. Howell! Mr. Howell!

Gilligan, gilligan. What is it?

You're gonna be interviewed on the radio.

What? I'm what?

The poor boy's gone island happy.

Oh, no, I'm not. Listen. You've been rescued.

Reporter: ladies and gentlemen,

Mrs. Howell and others

Were lost in the shipwreck of the minnow,

But the great man, lovingly known as the wolf of wall street,

Has been amazingly rescued.

Sir, may we congratulate you on your amazing rescue.

Thank you, and to my many friends and stockholders,

It's good to be back.

Thank you, sir.

Thurston, it does sound like you.

You see? You see? You've been rescued.

Reporter: is it true, sir, that you're the only survivor

Of that ill-fated cruise?

Yes, that is... That is very true.

It was a great tragedy at sea.

Yes, sir. And mrs. Howell?

Well, my poor wife is at the bottom of the ocean.

Alas, I shall never see poor, dear lovey again.

Ooh, thurston, I think I'm going to cry.

Oh, come to your senses, woman.

That man is an impostor.

How do we know?

Well, of course he is, isn't he, thurston?

Well, of course he is.

Even the accent is phoney.

Probably not even a harvard man.

A yale man, poor devil.

Reporter: sir, you have our deepest sympathy.

Uh, may we ask, sir, what your immediate plans are?

Well, my plans are to resume

As the head of the giant howell enterprises and forge ahead.

He wouldn't dare.

I've gotta go tell the skipper.

Reporter: one last question, sir.

Is there any truth to the rumor

That you intend to sell your amalgamated stock

To raise immediate capital?

Sir, that is not rumor. That is cold, hard fact.

Lovey! Lovey! He's going to sell my amalgamated.

Oh, thurston. What are you going to do?

What am i... I'm going to stop him. I'm going to k*ll!

k*ll! k*ll! k*ll!

k*ll! k*ll! k*ll him!

[Indistinct shouting]

Get him back in the sand!

I'm gonna k*ll him!

Thurston, you must never do that again.

Swimming to the mainland

Simply isn't practical.

Especially at this time of year,

When the water's so cold.

That impostor will ruin me. Reduce me to a pauper.

Well, after all, you have some money here on the island.

Oh, money. A few hundred thousand dollars. That's petty cash.

Back home, that's interest on my interest.

Never mind, dear.

You're still thurston howell iii,

No matter what that mean old impostor

Goes around saying.

I am, aren't i? Yes, I keep forgetting.

And I'm a billionaire after taxes,

And I must remember that money talks,

And when money talks, people listen.

Thurston, when you speak about money, it's sheer poetry.

Lovey. Lovey, you just gave me a wonderful idea.

I did? What did I say?

Well, you call the people together

And tell them the real thurston howell

Has an important announcement to make.

I, uh, I hope

That we're all present and accounted for.

Let's see. , , , , , ...

Somebody's missing.

Gilligan. You didn't count yourself.

Of course, you're not all here, anyway.

All right, now I want to make this following announcement.

As you know, there's an impostor

Impersonating me back home.

Yeah, and he sure sounds like you.

Well, believe me, gilligan, it isn't me.

Therefore, it is imperative that I return to the mainland.

So I'm gonna make this rather amazing offer.

Now, to wit, to the first person or persons

Who can figure out a way to get me off this island,

Back to the mainland, I will guarantee $ million.

[Excited chattering]

Ho-ho-ho... No! Now, wait a minute.

Now, the contest will start

At the sound of my tearing this $ bill.

, , .

[All scream]

Get out of the way, gilligan!

Thurston, you're a genius.

After all, for a million dollars,

Somebody's bound to find a way

To get you off the island.

Yes, but what about you?

Me? You want me to try?

Well, can you think of a better way

Of keeping the money in the family?

Skipper, how do you spell cannon?

C-a-n-n-o-n. Cannon.

Cannon?

Oh. It's not a good idea, huh?

[Laughs]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, skipper? What are you working on?

Never mind, gilligan.

But, skipper, I got a swell idea,

And if you tell me your idea, I'll tell you mine,

And we can work on it together.

No, thanks, little buddy.

Oh, I get it.

You want to keep the million dollars for yourself, huh?

Well, that sure is nice, big buddy.

If I had a million dollars, I'd share it with you.

Gilligan, I would gladly share my million dollars with you.

Oh, yeah?

Yes, but now, it's just

I don't want you to help me with my idea

Because, gilligan, you're a one-man disaster area,

And I don't want to be part of your next disaster.

That's nice for one buddy to say to another buddy.

Well, gilligan, check your track record,

For goodness sakes.

Name one thing that you've done right

Since you got here to the island.

That's real easy. Remember that time

We were gonna launch the minnow, and i...

[Sighs] forget that one.

Oh, remember the time I was in charge

Of water rationing, and i...

Forget that one, too.

Oh, remember the time the headhunter came on the island...

Well, if that's the way you feel about it,

I'll just go looking for feathers by myself.

Look for feathers?

Reporter: now speaking to you from the floor of the stock exchange,

Thurston howell iii, after a -year absence,

Is once again personally supervising

His multi-million dollar stock portfolio.

Impostor: what did we get

For that last batch of amalgamated?

Oh, no, no! Not my dear sweet, sweet amalgamated.

There, there, dear.

Reporter: mr. Howell, if we may interrupt you for just one question.

Impostor: uh, one minute, please.

Uh, now you can start selling off

My apex international.

No, no! Not my apex international.

Impostor: that's right. Apex international.

I've got a million in mad money

To celebrate my return to civilization.

Lovey! I'll k*ll him! I'll k*ll him!

Ok, mary ann, it's agreed.

We'll pool our ideas, and we'll split the million dollars.

Oh, and I have a wonderful idea

For mr. Howell's rescue.

Oh, so have i.

Well, what's yours? What's yours?

Both: you go first.

Ok. Um, we'll have a big, noisy musical comedy show,

And I'll wear one of those skimpy little costumes,

And that's sure to attract any airline pilot

That's passing overhead.

You're kidding. They fly at , feet.

Well, so what? When it comes to girls in skimpy costumes,

Airline pilots have radar.

I think it's silly.

You do?

Yes, besides, listen to my idea. We'll catch some fish,

We'll write messages on their side with waterproof paint,

And then we'll release them.

Well, some fisherman somewhere

Is bound to catch one of them,

And the messages will get back to civilization.

Talk about silly ideas.

The only one who will get those messages,

Are the other fish.

Well, I think your idea is for the birds.

I think we'd better work on our ideas separately.

Well, that suits me fine.

Skimpy costumes for airline pilots.

Painted fish. [Whistles]

Reporter: and here, at the sunnyside racetrack,

For the first running of the howell stakes,

In honor of his amazing rescue,

Is thurston howell iii.

And how are you today, sir?

Impostor: uh, fine, fine. I couldn't be better. Could we, dear?

Woman: oh, thurston.

Who is that?

Don't ask me. Ask him.

Reporter: I see you have a most attractive blonde friend

On your arm today, mr. Howell?

Impostor: uh, now that you mention it, I have, haven't i?

As a matter of fact, I'm thinking of starting a collection

In all sizes, shapes and hair colors,

As a living tribute to my dear, departed wife.

Oh, the nerve of you, thurston.

The minute my back is turned.

But lovey, it's not me.

No, but it could be.

Reporter: now, mr. Howell, not to mix business with pleasure,

But about that rumor you're merging howell industries

With consolidated export...

Impostor: well, actually, that's one where I hadn't heard of,

But I rather like the idea.

Yes, I'll see to that first thing monday morning.

Oh, no! No! It will crumble my empire!

I'll k*ll him! No! No!

There he goes again.

k*ll! k*ll! k*ll! Let me go!

I can swim! Put me down!

All right, then. We're agreed.

We'll pool our ideas,

Work on the best one together,

And split the million dollars.

But we'd better hurry up, professor.

Before mr. Howell completely flips his lid.

Or before he gets so excited

He does swim back to the mainland.

All right, then. Let's see your ideas.

Here's mine. Here's mine.

Mmm. Interesting. Very interesting.

I bet he likes mine best.

Not a chance, mary ann.

Oh, come on, girls. He'll like mine better.

What's better than a one-man balloon

With hot rocks to produce hot air?

Well, after examining these ideas

With an unbiased scientific eye,

It appears that the only really practical one

Is, uh... Mine.

Yours? Hey, yours, professor?

Now, listen. My idea is to construct a pontoon boat.

I feel that will give mr. Howell

His best chance of reaching the shipping lanes.

A pontoon boat?

Say, we can use that bicycle device

For the source of power.

Precisely, and there's plenty

Of wood on the island for the pontoons.

Well, I guess it's something

We could all work on together.

All right, let's get started as soon as possible.

Well, wait a minute. Where's gilligan?

We forgot about gilligan.

Oh, the last time I saw gilligan,

He was collecting feathers

For some ridiculous idea that he had.

Skipper, look.

Gilligan, you come down from there.

Skipper, I've been watching the birds fly. It's real easy.

Gilligan, come down here right now.

Ok, here I come.

Gilligan, you can't fly. It's impossible.

I can't?

No.

Oh. Mmm.

Gilligan! Gilligan, little buddy!

Are you all right?

Why did you have to say that?

Impossible? Why did you have to say that?

There. That pontoon seems sturdy enough.

Good.

Ooh!

Well, gilligan. Don't just stand there daydreaming, get to work.

Skipper, I still think those wings would have worked.

For a couple of seconds there, I felt lighter than air.

Oh, with that head of yours, you are lighter than air.

Now, get to work. Check the line on the paddle wheel.

Here's the fresh water.

Oh, and hardtack, soup, soap, and the social register.

Social register?

In case mr. Howell wants to read.

See ya.

Thanks, girls.

Skipper, do you really think this contraption is safe?

Sure, if she gets you out on the shipping lanes before it sinks.

Oh, good. Oh, good... Before it sinks?

Oh, relax, mr. Howell.

I guarantee you this pontoon boat is % watertight.

Well, I hope so, because I am not.

You never dress first night out.

Let me get... All right, mr. Howell.

Step up here.

Oh, bon voyage, darling.

And try not to drink any seawater

If you can possibly avoid it.

Oh, and, mr. Howell, when you get to the mainland,

Don't forget to send back help.

Yes, as soon as I dispose of the impostor.

Oh, thurston. You look so handsome

And debonair standing there.

I do wish I had some film for this camera.

I never knew you were so brave.

Something more important than life itself. Money.

Mr. Howell, if you get into trouble,

Just fire this flare p*stol.

Thank you. Thank you very much, professor,

And don't think the whole thing

Hasn't been just simply enchanting.

The whole thing. As we say, "bon voyage!"

Bon voyage!

Bon voyage!

Lovey: bon voyage, darling.

Bon voyage!

Oh, dear. I think thurston's trying to tell us something.

Reporter: and now, for the latest news

Of thurston howell iii.

The famous capitalist and sportsman

Has flown to hawaii,

And is about to set sail

On a pacific cruise aboard a chartered yacht,

With an all-girl crew of .

Girls on a yacht, and I'm playing santa claus.

Oh, thurston, not again.

You'll shrink all your clothes.

Oh, the fickleness of fate.

Why couldn't I be the impostor spending his money?

Oh, never mind, dear. Everything's going to be all right.

Mrs. Howell? How is he?

All he talks about is losing his money.

I think he's in dire need of a psychiatrist.

Well, I don't profess to be a psychiatrist, mrs. Howell,

However, I do hold a master's degree in psychology.

Oh, I wish you'd speak to him, professor.

After all, money isn't everything,

Especially when one has diamonds and real estate.

All right.

Professor. Girls at $ an hour.

As a crew. You understand?

$ , A day for the yacht,

Champagne, caviar, $ an ounce,

And I don't even like caviar.

Mr. Howell, I can't do anything about the impostor,

But perhaps I can help you

Overcome your obsession with money.

Obsession with money?

What obsession with money?

I'm gonna listen to the stock market report.

Please. It is my radio.

Mr. Howell, suppose we try

Playing a little word game.

I'll give you a word,

And then you give me the word

Which immediately comes to your mind.

All right. I assure you,

I have no obsession with money, believe me.

All right. The first word is happy.

Money.

Sad.

Money.

Moon.

Money.

Stars.

Money.

Child.

Tax deduction.

Well, it certainly is a problem, mrs. Howell.

Tell me. During the stock market crash,

What did you do to get mr. Howell's mind

Off his money problems?

The crash? Oh, uh, that's when

Thurston lost most of his money

And became just a millionaire.

Let me see... Oh, I remember.

We took his radio away from him.

Reporter: and when asked what he would do

If his chartered yacht ran out of fuel,

Thurston howell iii gaily replied that would be no problem,

As he's taking along money to burn.

Money to burn?

Shh.

It sure is dark in here.

What did you say? Yaa...

Gilligan.

Ah! Would you watch where you're crawling?

Now, be quiet.

Mr. Howell: crew members... $ A day...

Mmm. Yacht $ , a day... My money is...[Snoring]

Caviar, champagne... [Snoring]

Gilligan, he's got his hands

Wrapped around the radio.

Now, I'll raise his hands,

And then you grab it.

Yeah.

Got it! Aah!

What's going on here?

It's the skipper and gilligan.

And they've got my radio.

Well, we couldn't sleep,

So we're going to play some dance music.

You know, and kind of dance around...

Will you stop that, gilligan?

Reporter: we interrupt this program

For a special news report from hawaii.

Quiet, quiet. It's a news bulletin.

Reporter: news has just been received on the chartered yacht

Of thurston howell iii.

The famous billionaire has fallen overboard

While drinking champagne from a crew member's slipper.

Lovey, the impostor has fallen overboard.

I would never drink champagne

From a crew member's slipper. Yuck!

The poor man.

The poor fellow. Imagine falling overboard

And leaving a crew like that behind.

Isn't that so, teddy?

Mr. Howell, is that offer

To get you off the island for a million dollars still good?

No, gilligan. Since there's

No impostor spending my money,

The offer is now one half a million.

Oh. Well, it's a deal anyway.

Well, just exactly what are you doing, my boy?

Measuring you for a pair of wings.

Measuring me for... No, thanks.

I heard about your flight.

These are new, improved wings.

Let's forget it. I like round trips.

It's the only way to fly.

Here's some of that new palm root wine, dear.

Oh, yes, yes. Uh, thank you.

Mmm. Another vintage year. Good crop.

Oh.

How was the drink, darling?

Uh, excellent.

A good year for palm root.

I brought you some more.

Uh, thank you.

Ooh. Ooh, my head.

How did I get here?

That new wine must have a lot of kick.

Oh, hi, mr. Howell. Have you seen any feath...

How did you get your clothes all wet?

My clothes all wet?

How did I get these clothes?

What a chaser. Haven't felt like this

Since new year's eve.

Hi, mr. Howell.

Hi, son.

I say, old man, you're... You're lying on my chaise,

And I'm, uh...

I beg your pardon, mr. Howell... Mr. Howell?!

The impostor! I found the... Aah! Impostor!

Aah! Impostor! Lovey! Lovey!

What did you say, thurston?

The impostor! He's over there! Follow me!

Hoax! Hoax! Like I said,

Here... Here he is. Here he is. The impostor.

I'm not the impostor.

You're the impostor.

Skipper, there's mr. Howells.

No, gilligan. There's only one.

This fellow's obviously a blatant phoney.

Lovey, tell him who's the real thurston howell iii.

Oh, dear. I... I really don't know.

Well, you don't know? What about the mole?

Yes. Thurston has the cutest little mole

On his right elbow.

Well?

Oh.

Oh, thurston. It's you.

Of course.

One minute, please.

Just take a look at... At this.

Look. He's got the same kind of a mole.

I have a mole myself, but I can't show it to anybody.

Why not?

Quiet, gilligan.

Lovey, don't you recognize your own husband?

Well, I recognize his clothes on that one.

Yep. That's mr. Howell, all right.

Well, don't you see that this scoundrel

Swam ashore, rapped me in the head,

Dragged me in the jungle,

And changed clothes with me?

Fantastic story.

Oh, I don't know what to think.

Maybe you have to keep them both.

No, you won't have to keep them both.

I'm going to ask some pointed questions

Which will prove conclusively

Which is the real mr. Howell.

All right. Fire when ready.

All right. Now, uh, what is

Your favorite reading material?

The social registry. You might even say it's our family bible.

Yep, that's mr. Howell, all right.

All right, now, now, try this one.

This one is, uh... Uh, tell me,

What is your favorite exclusive club?

New york stock exchange.

Yep. That's mr. Howell, all right.

Very, very cunning. Now, if you had to give up

Everything in the world,

Except your money or your wife,

Which one would you keep?

My money, of course.

That's mr. Howell, all right.

Oh, thurston, it is you.

No, it's not me. I mean, I'm not him. I'm me.

Oh. Special report here on the radio.

Mr. Howell.

Good heavens. Well...

There's a special report on the radio

About one of you, anyway.

Reporter: it has just been reported,

From a reliable source,

That the man thought to be thurston howell iii,

Who fell overboard from a chartered yacht last night,

Was, in reality, an impostor.

When his signature was checked

In new york yesterday

With papers signed several years ago... [Turns off radio]

His signature. Of course. Now, my...

There he goes. He's gone!

Impostor! Impostor! Come back here!

Oh, let him go, thurston.

What's the difference?

That's right, mr. Howell. What's the difference?

He can't spend any more of your money anyway,

Even if he is rescued.

Well, he can't, can he?!

He's wearing my pants and my wallet's in the back pocket!

Reporter: and there is nothing further to report

On the curious rescue at sea this afternoon.

The unidentified survivor, wearing a life preserver

And carrying an empty champagne bottle,

Was plucked from the sea by a native fishing boat.

No one seems to know who he is

Or how he got there or anything else about him.

Thurston, do you think that's the impostor?

Well, of course it's the impostor.

How many people are floating around the pacific ocean

With an empty champagne bottle?

Now he'll send back help.

Never in a million years, gilligan.

No, the skipper's right.

This fellow's wanted by the police.

He has to shut up or go to jail. That scoundrel.

Though I must say, I admire his attitude about money. Very healthy.

The resemblance is remarkable.

The guy was the spittin' image.

Oh, how vulgar.

Gilligan, stop that, will you?

What are you doing, gilligan?

I'm just checking for the mole on his elbow.

You know, if he was the impostor,

He might have painted it on,

And then the real mr. Howell would be out...

Oh, come on, shut up. Oh, get him out.

Lovey!

Well, thurston, how am I going to be sure?

No, it's me. I'm me. It's me. Me! Me!

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make ♪

♪ The best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate ♪

♪ And his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In their tropic island nest ♪

No phone... No lights...

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪