06x04 - The Stakeout

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪♪]

Testing, one,
two, three. Testing.

Testing, testing.

♪ I took one look at you ♪

♪ That's all I meant to do ♪

♪ And then my heart... ♪♪

Hi, Fred!

My heart!

Since when did
you stop knocking?

I decided it was boring.

Every time I knock, all
you ever say is "Come in!"

Well, how does
"Get out!" grab you?

I'm busy, I'm busy.

Busy?

You weren't doing anything

but just dancing
around and singing.

No, I wasn't. I was testing my
new pocket-size tape recorder.

Just testing it. Only 11 bucks!

11 bucks? That's pretty cheap.

All it needed was, like,
a couple of transistors,

a new microphone,
a brand-new motor,

inexpensive carrying
case and a rebuilt speaker.

The whole $11 tape
recorder only cost me $93.15.

Hey, that's a real steal!

Steal is right.

Yeah, living proof
that crime doesn't pay.

How'd you like to be dead
proof that ignorance is bliss?

What do you need it for anyway?

I get a lot of labor-saving
ideas, Bubba,

and I'm working too
hard to write them down,

so with this, I
can just dictate.

Listen.

SANFORD [OVER SPEAKER]: Lamont,
be sure you get to the bank tomorrow.

Lamont, pick me up some
beer on your way home.

Lamont, drop off my
suit at the cleaners.

Lamont...

Hey, how about
"Lamont, do everything"?

Lamont, do everything!

Thanks, Bubba!

Yeah, your voice sure
sounds good, Fred.

You like to try it?

No, I wouldn't know what to say.

Why? The cat got your tongue?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, if you trail the
one that got your brain,

you'd be in business.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

I'll get that.

It's my door.

Well, what do you want?

And if I ain't
got it, I'll get it!

Listen, my name
is Fred G. Sanford.

And the "G" is
for... Great Body.

You're just the man I want!

Isn't that a coincidence?
I'm just the man you got!

Come in!

Hello! My name's Bubba Bexley.

Hi. I'm Miss Wallace.

You don't miss by much!

Hey, Bubba?

Well, I'm interested
in renting a room,

and the people next
door at the Sanford Arms

said that you
were the proprietor.

Not only am I the proprietor,
I own and operate the place.

This must be your lucky day,

because I was all filled
up, but I got one vacancy.

I heard you had a
lot of vacancies, Fred.

How'd you like your teeth
to vacate your mouth?

Listen, Miss Wallace,
you go next door

and I'll be right over there.

I'll just get the passkey.

Hey, Bubba? Yeah?

Did you see her gorgeous lips?

Yeah!

Her luscious hips? Uh-huh.

And that fantastic body?

Calm down, Fred! Calm down!

There are plenty
of fish in the sea.

Yeah, but, Bubba,
I'm 68 years old,

and my hook is
beginning to rust.

Well, frankly, Mr. Sanford...

You see, now, normally
this room goes for 20 bucks.

But because of the
bicentennial celebration,

I'm gonna let you have
it for, watch this, $17.76.

Well, why don't we
be a bit more patriotic

and recall the year Columbus
discovered America: 1492?

I'll tell you, let's compromise

and stop at that
historic year 1675,

when Baskin discovered Robbins.

Well, I'll take it.

Wonderful!

Now, listen, if
you need anything,

you just call me
and I'll come running.

With those legs?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I almost forgot,

I only have one house rule
here at the Sanford Arms,

but I'm very strict about it.

All visitors,
including boyfriends,

gotta be out of here by 4 a.m.

Well, you don't have to
worry about me, Mr. Sanford.

You see, I don't
have any boyfriends.

No boyfriends?

Well, you know,
just remember this:

life is full of surprises.

Your keys.

Surprise!

Louie? Hacker.

Yeah, everything's
going according to plan.

I just checked into a dump
called the Sanford Arms.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll be ready to
do business in a couple of days.

No, I'm using my
Miss Wallace disguise.

Effective? Ha.

Some dirty old man
just kissed my hand.

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Morning, Pop!

It's a beautiful morning, son.

It certainly is.
What's for breakfast?

What would you like?

I'd like to have some eggs

and some toast and some coffee.

Me too.

We're having Pop-Tarts and Tang.

Well, what you doing?

See, I'm making a little
arrangement for next door,

the Bicentennial Suite.

The what?

The Bicentennial Suite.

Well, what you spraying
on those flowers, Pop?

Well, see, they
didn't smell too good

so I'm just spritzing
them up a little bit

with some shaving lotion.

♪ Strangers in the night ♪

♪ Exchanging glances ♪♪

Hey, I take it you rented
the spare room to a woman.

She's not a woman. She's a lady.

She's... She's a vision.

She's Diahann Carroll,
Shirley Bassey and Lola Falana

all rolled up into one.

Well, either she's very pretty
or she weighs 300 pounds.

Let me put it this
way, then, son.

If I was on a desert island,

I'd want her to
be my girl Friday...

Saturday, Sunday...
[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Wait a minute, I'll get it.

In your mood, you might
steam up the windows.

Hey, Hoppy!

Hi, Lamont, Mr. Sanford.

LAMONT: How you doing?

I really don't have time to
answer that question, Lamont.

You see, we're here on
official police business.

But unofficially,

I mean, just as
a person, I'm fine.

I mean, as far as that goes,
I'm fine as a policeman too.

But, you see, I don't have time
to discuss all this, because...

Get on with it,
Hopkins! Oh, right.

Fred, Lamont, this is
Sergeant Perkins. Plainclothes.

I can see that. And
the tie stinks too!

Well, what can we do for you?

All right, here's
what's going up.

No, it's what's coming down!

[LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.
Right. What's coming down.

Well, what goes
up must come down!

Why don't you take it, sergeant?

You see, we've had this guy
Alex Hacker under surveillance.

And last night he was spotted

going in and out of
the Sanford Arms.

Well, if he's still spotted
today, it's probably measles.

No, what he means,
Mr. Sanford, is we saw him.

We suspect that he's
visiting one of your tenants.

Have you got that picture,
sergeant, so we can show...?

There. Recognize that face?

No, I've got a great memory,

but I never saw that
face before in my life.

Me either.

How many tenants
have you got there?

Well, there's the newlywed
couple over in the bridal suite,

but they couldn't have done it.

They've been in the
room for three weeks.

Then there's your mother.

Yeah, and nobody would
want to visit my mother.

I mean, she doesn't
have any friends, you see,

in this neighborhood.

She's, uh, el blanco, right?

Then there's George
over there, the ex-con.

Yeah, he works out
there at Hollywood Park,

cleaning up the stables.

His parole officer
won't even visit him.

Now, look, Mr. Sanford,

who Hacker is
visiting isn't important.

The thing that matters
is who is Hacker visiting?

Well, if Hacker's a crook,
why don't you arrest him?

We don't have enough evidence.

We've got to wait for
him to make his move.

And that's where you
come in, Mr. Sanford.

We'd like to use your
house for a stakeout.

Naturally, you'd be
reimbursed by the city

for your inconvenience.

We're not interested.

There is also a reward.

We're still not interested.

Reward is $1000.

We're not doing
it for the reward!

We're doing it because
we're good citizens, right, son?

Well, what's this guy Hacker
supposed to have done, anyway?

Well, he's a fence.

Now, he is a very
smooth operator.

He often works in disguises.

But, well, Sergeant
Perkins can tell you all that.

Go ahead and tell them
all that, Sergeant Perkins.

You told them all that!

Oh. Well, then, in that case,
they probably already know.

Then just forget it.

Well, what do you say, Pop?

Son, I can think of
500 reasons apiece

why we should do our civic duty.

You got a deal.

Good.

Well, I gotta spit.

That's "split"!

Oh, right. Split.

I've got to go across the
way and say hi to el blanco.

That's, uh... That's mi madre.

Right.

I'll be back as soon
as I notify headquarters.

See you later!

Hey, how about that,
Pop? $1000 reward, man!

Do you know what I
could do with my 500?

Yeah, you could throw
me and Miss Wallace

the biggest wedding
Watts has ever seen!

Wedding? You just met
the woman yesterday!

I know, son, but she
swept me off my feet.

I mean, any moment now, I
might pop the big question.

But, son, listen.

When we have children,
I'll always love you the best.

Look, forget about
me. What about Donna?

Donna who?

Donna who? Your fiancée, Pop!

You've been engaged
for five years, man!

Where's your loyalty to her?

Oh, yeah. Donna.

Well, I'll cross that bridge

when I get the
$500 for the toll.

Right now, I'm going
to warn Miss Wallace

about this guy Hacker.

I'll see you, son.

Compliments of your host, me.

Oh, but you shouldn't
have bothered, Mr. Sanford.

Besides, I'm allergic.

You're allergic to flowers?

No, aftershave lotion.

Oh!

Hey, was your first night at
Sanford Arms comfortable?

Marvelous!

Who's living in the mattress?

Oh, the mattress
is part of history.

See, George Washington
scratched here.

Well, what did you want?

Nothing to worry about,
it's just that the police saw

some cheap crook hanging
around here last night.

Really? What was his name?

Alex Hacker. You haven't
seen him round here, have you?

Goodness, no!

But thank you for warning me.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
Mr. Sanford, I really do

have to get dressed now.

Well, go right ahead.

Hey, listen,

how'd you like to go out with
me one night for dinner real soon?

I'm afraid I'm busy
tonight. Uh-huh.

And tomorrow night. Uh-huh.

Well, maybe if this week's
too bad, maybe next week.

Oh, uh... I'll be available.

Don't forget it!
I'll let you know.

Hi, Fred! Hey.

Say, Lamont told me
about the $1000 reward.

What are you gonna
do with your half?

Bubba, I'm gonna
be very patriotic.

You're gonna buy savings bonds?

I'm gonna spend it
like a drunken sailor.

It sure took you a long time

just to deliver a
bunch of flowers.

Bubba, maybe that
wasn't all I was delivering.

You mean that you...?
I mean, did you...?

Don't ask no questions, Bubba.

A man does not kiss and
then go sh**t his mouth off.

Yeah, I see what you mean!

[BUBBA LAUGHING]

Mr. Sanford, Lamont told
me I'll be bunking with you.

Well, Lamont is full of bunk.

Doesn't your room
overlook the Sanford Arms?

That's right.

Well, I'll be bunking with you.

Say, the photo lab worked up

these pictures of
Alex Hacker for me.

I'd like you to take
a look at them.

Hey, he looks different in
every one of these pictures.

Yeah, like I said, sometimes
he works in disguise.

Look, Pop, there's a picture

of him disguised like a woman.

That's not Hacker. That's...

That's Miss Wallace.

Yeah, you're right, Fred.

That's her.

She's Hacker!

Oh, no!

No!

No!

No, it can't be!

It can't be!

What is it, Mr. Sanford?

My pop's got a crush
on the guy next door.

I'll suffocate him!

I'll shove his
pantyhose up his nose!

[HUMMING]

♪ Would I feel this way? ♪

♪ And would I... ♪♪

[STAMMERS]

Hey, listen. Tell me
something, Perkins.

Have you ever been called a pig?

In my line of work, who hasn't?

Yeah, I've been called
a pig by a lot of people.

Well, they sure had your number.

In four days, you must have
eaten over 500 pounds of food.

I told you you'd be
reimbursed by the city.

Yeah, but the way you're eating,

they're gonna have
to give me El Segundo.

Hey, listen, how much longer

you figure this
stakeout's gonna take?

It's hard to say.

Sometimes they last as
long as two or three weeks.

Two or three weeks?
That's ridiculous!

Well, if you had an empty room

next to Hacker's in
the Sanford Arms,

I could have stayed there

and maybe even heard
enough to bust him.

Yeah.

Too bad his walls
don't have ears.

And too bad your
face got a mouth!

I'll be in my room.

That's my room.

Don't you forget it!

"Too bad his walls
don't have ears."

His walls don't need ears,

long as my pocket got them!

At 4:30 sharp.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[FEMININE VOICE] Who is it?

Ready Freddy!

Just a minute!

It's that dirty old
landlord again.

He probably bought
me a box of candy.

Be there at 4:30
sharp, all right?

Just a minute!
I'll be right there!

Be right there! Hold on!

FRED: I'm waiting.

Well!

[SNIFFS]

Hey, is something
burning in here?

[LAUGHS]

That must have
been my hairdryer.

I just washed my hair.

With what, White Owl?

Well, I'm very
busy, Mr. Sanford.

Was there something
that you wanted?

Well, I'll get right down to it.

You see, I know
what business you're in

and I got a proposition for you.

Well, I have a good
mind to slap your face!

And you do and I'll put five
of these on your lip gloss!

And I thought you
were a gentleman!

Well, that makes us even.
I thought you were a lady.

Well, you can just get out!

Not before we do
business, Hacker.

See, you can drop all that
old "Miss Wallace" jazz,

because I know who you are.

You're Alex Hacker.

Yeah? How'd you find out?

Well, the police told me.

They've been staking
you out for about four days.

Yeah, well, they can
just keep on staking,

because they ain't
got nothing on me.

I'm too smart for them.

Yeah, I know.

That's why, when I found out

that you deal in
stolen merchandise,

I decided to do
business with you.

Really? Well, I
don't deal in junk.

Yeah, well, I got junk
outside there in the yard,

but, see, people come to
me with hot stuff all the time.

You know: appliances,
color TVs, watches...

Yeah, well, only a fool would
mess with some stuff like that.

Yeah. Well, you do buy
stolen stuff, don't you?

Sure, but big stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Could
you repeat that?

I got this bad
ear. A little louder.

Sure, but I deal in
quality merchandise.

I fence stuff like diamonds,
furs, stocks and bonds...

What? My ear went
out on me again.

Say that again louder.
Oh, you heard me!

Yeah, yeah. I heard you. I
heard you. And thanks a lot.

For what?

Thanks for letting me know

what kind of stolen stuff
that you deal in, Mr. Hacker.

And if somebody comes to me
with something special, Mr. Hacker,

I'll get in touch with
you, Mr. Hacker.

Thanks a lot.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Who is it? It's me.

Oh, come on in, Bubba.

Hi, Lamont. Where's Fred?

I don't know. I think he went
over to the apartment building.

What?

You mean, even after
he knows that she's a he,

Fred is still bringing
him flowers?

Oh, no! Not Fred!

I got it!

I got it right here!

What you got, Pop?

Our $1000 reward, son.

Hey, Perkins, come on down here!

Hey, Lamont, get
a pencil and paper

so we can figure out
how to spend this money.

You don't have to
write it down, Fred.

You just have to dictate
it into your machine.

No, no. No, no.

We have to figure
out how much we got.

See, this is just
the state's evidence.

I got Hacker's whole
confession on here.

His confession?
How'd you get it, Pop?

I bet he sweet-talked
him out of it.

Hey, Perkins, will you
stop feeding your face

long enough to listen to this?

Listen. I'll rewind the tape.

Don't bother. Won't
do us any good.

You've been listening
to too many sirens.

I got Hacker's confession
right here on tape.

It's inadmissible evidence.

What you did was blow the case.

What I did was your job.

Now, while your tapeworm
was working overtime,

so was my tape recorder.

I got Hacker to spill the beans!

This is of no use to
me in a courtroom!

Why? Because you can't eat it?

No, because it's
illegally obtained.

Well, what do you mean?

It's inadmissible.

You mean Hacker can walk
out of here and can't be touched?

That's right.

As pretty as he may be.

Well, don't feel too bad, Pop.

At least you gave it a good try.

A good try?

I gave it a great try!

A thousand-dollar try!

One sh*t, you lost
$1000 and your best girl!

[BUBBA LAUGHING]

How would you like one
of these where you sneeze?

Hey, come on, Pop. Cheer
up, man. I know you feel bad.

But at least you're
a good sport.

You fixed Perkins
that nice casserole.

Yeah, he sure wolfed it down.

He loves Japanese food.

Japanese food? What was in that?

My tape recorder.

Look, Pop, it wasn't your
fault and it wasn't his fault.

You didn't mean
to blow the case.

I know, son, but I
feel bad about it.

And I feel bad about you.

Me?

Yeah, I didn't want
to say anything before,

but I was gonna give
you the whole $1000.

You really mean that, Pop?

Yeah, son.

I figured that I'd
give you something

that I never had before.

What? $1000.

Wait till you hear this!

Wait until you hear this!

You didn't hear this, did you?

What?

Well, the crime is solved,
it's wrapped up, it's all finished.

You mean my tape is admissible
and your money is acceptable?

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford,
the tape didn't do it.

Well, what did?

Well, about a half an hour ago,

Hacker left the Sanford
Arms dressed as Miss Wallace

and Bubba just happened
to be in the neighborhood

and decided to follow him.

No, no. Not Bubba!

"Just happened"! I bet he "just
happened" to get the reward too!

Yeah, that's right, Mr. Sanford,

but now, wait till
you hear what he did.

Wait till you hear this! Are
you sure you didn't hear this?

Go on and tell us! All right.

Well, Hacker went
to the Pancake Palace

and Bubba observed him
going into the ladies' room.

Hacker went into
the ladies' room?

Right, after he took
the "Out of Order" sign

off the door.

He knew no ladies
would be in there.

I get it. It was a set-up.

There was a guy in there
waiting for him, right?

Oh, you did hear
this, didn't you?

Well, anyway,
Hacker was in there

and he bought some stolen bonds
and fenced some hot diamonds

right under the nose of Bubba,

who happened to walk
in only seconds later.

You mean to say they
didn't notice Bubba

in the ladies' room?

Well, they noticed
him all right,

but they never suspected
he was observing them.

How could they not suspect?

Fred, guess what!

I feel terrible, son.

This whole thing has
been very embarrassing.

Come on, Pop.
Don't take it so hard.

I mean, how did you know

that Miss Wallace
was Hacker in disguise?

And a great disguise.

Yeah. Well, you fell for
him, Pop. You fell for him.

I mean, he had style and charm.

You saw deeper

than just his
physical appearance.

It could have
happened to anyone.

Twice?

What do you mean, "twice"?

Did you see how cute Bubba
looked when he came in here?

Pop, Bubba didn't look cute.

That's because you
didn't look deep enough.

See, Bubba has an
extra special quality.

What?

A purse with $1000 in it.

[♪♪♪]