03x01 - Up at Bat

[bunniefuu]

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship's aground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

[Grunts]

Gilligan, let's take a breather.

These coconuts get heavier with every step we take.

Yeah. They must weigh a ton.

All morning long we collect coconuts down at the beach,

And all afternoon we lug 'em back to camp.

Mile after mile, foot after foot--

Nothing but lugging coconuts.

And my back is k*lling me.

Look, gilligan, why don't you put them down?

I never thought of that. Good idea.

Nice going, gilligan.

I'll get them, skipper. I'll get them.

Gilligan, don't go in there.

It's an unexplored cave.

I'll get it, skipper.

Help, skipper! Skipper, it's after me!

Skipper, ow! Ooh! Ow!

What is it, little buddy, what is it?

Skipper! Hey, skipper, it bit me.

It bit me on the neck.

What bit you?

I--it was dark in there, and I don't--

There he is! Look out! Look out, skipper.

[Bat squeaks]

Gilligan, I saw one of those once in mexico.

A vampire bat--

It bit me on the neck, the vampire bat.

It bit you on the neck.

A vampire bat bit me...

I'm gonna turn into a vampire.

Hey, professor, professor.

What is it? What is it? What's happened?

It flew right through the air,

And it bit me on the neck.

I'm gonna become a vampire and turn into a bat.

I'm gonna fly through the night and drink blood

And talk funny, "good evening."

And other weird things like that.

Can you help him, professor?

Yeah, please help me, professor.

I wouldn't be a good vampire.

I faint at the sight of blood.

I'll starve to death.

All right, gilligan. You just try to calm yourself.

Skipper, you better tell me exactly what happened.

Uh, something bit gilligan on the neck?

Exactly. See? It was in a cave,

And a big vampire bat came out

And bit him right on the neck there.

And now when there's a full moon,

He's gonna turn into a vampire.

Nonsense. It's not nonsense.

I saw a movie once. This bat bit this guy,

And he turned into a vampire.

And he slept in a coffin, and when a full moon came up

He used to rise out of the coffin and spread his cape--

What's the matter, gilligan?

I scared myself.

All right. Just stop right there.

I'm surprised at both of you.

Grown men completely unnerved

By a silly, superstitious fable.

You mean he won't turn into a vampire?

Gilligan, it was only a movie.

Yeah, but I saw it times.

It always came out the same way.

All right. If it will make you feel any better,

Why don't you two seal up the mouth of that cave?

That will at least keep the vampires--

I mean, the bats from becoming a nuisance.

That's a good idea, professor. Thanks. Come on--

Gilligan, wait a minute.

You better get the girls to put a dressing

On that wound right now.

Yeah, I better do it right now...

Because after I become a vampire,

They'll never look at me.

Stop saying that.

Now, I don't want you or the skipper

Ever mentioning this vampire business again.

There's no sense in upsetting the others

Over anything so preposterous.

Agreed?

All right, professor, agreed.

Come on, gilligan.

Ginger, what's the matter with your mirror?

Oh, the silver came all off the back.

It's nothing but glass now.

See? Yeah.

All I get is a blank expression.

You don't need a mirror. You're still beautiful.

Oh, I know, but I like to get another opinion.

Get in there and let the girls patch you up.

I'll go get some shovels so we can close up the cave.

Yeah. We don't want those bats to get out of the cave.

Gilligan, shh.

Remember now what the professor said--

Not a word of this to the girls.

You can trust me.

I'll never say "vampire" again. Good.

If there's one word I'll never use, it's "vampire."

I mean, I'll never say--

Gilligan!

Ok. Ok.

Go on in there.

[Knock on door]

Come in. Mary ann: come in.

Hi, mary ann. Hi, ginger.

Look what I've got--

Just a simple, old, every day bite in the neck,

Nothing to worry about, nothing to be scared of.

It's nothing, it's really nothing at all.

You're right. It's nothing.

That's what you think.

Let me see.

No, don't get too close.

Oh, gilligan, bites aren't catching.

This one is.

Oh, nonsense. No, it's not bad.

What bit you?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Something bit me.

Oh, I forgot. I bit myself.

You bit yourself?

How could you bite yourself on the neck, gilligan?

I stood on a chair...

A ladder...

A tree?

Never mind how it happened.

It still needs treatment.

Come on, ginger. Help me with bandages.

Now, you sit down right here.

Don't be nervous.

Nobody ever d*ed from a bite on the neck.

Hey, you're right. Yeah.

Nobody ever d*ed from a bite on the neck.

[Gasps]

I can't see myself.

I don't have any reflection.

I've become one of them.

They don't have any reflections either.

I've become one of them.

I've become one of them!

I've become one of them!

I'm a vampire, skipper.

When a vampire looks in the mirror, he can't see himself.

I couldn't see myself, so I'm a vampire. I'm a vampire.

Gilligan, you've got to get hold of yourself.

If you keep talking like this,

You're gonna make yourself sick.

Wait till I start biting necks,

Then I'll really make me sick. Yecch.

Will you stop worrying about that mirror stuff?

Now, the professor said that you weren't a vampire,

So you can believe the professor.

I can believe the professor.

Right. So, why don't you stop worrying

And get some sleep?

Right. Stop worrying and get some sleep.

Now you're being sensible.

Good night, little buddy.

Now I'm being sensible.

Good night, skipper.

Good night.

I mean, just because a bat bit me,

And I can't see myself in a mirror

Doesn't mean I'm a vampire.

I'm afraid to close my eyes

Because I might turn into a bat

And fly around and drink blood

And bite my friends' necks and things like that.

Now I'm being sensible.

I'm not gonna bite my friends' necks.

Skipper, how come you put a scarf around your neck?

Because it's cold in here, gilligan.

Skipper, it must be to in here.

My neck is cold.

How could your neck be cold?

My neck is cold for a very good reason, gilligan.

I'm getting a draft from my ears.

Oh, yeah, sure. Drafty ears.

You think I'm a vampire.

No, I don't. Now, good night.

I'm gonna turn into a bat and bite everybody.

I'm gonna bite all my friends.

I don't want to be a vampire!

Gilligan, I just thought of a wonderful idea.

Now--

String. I'll get my kite.

No. Not for your kite.

I'm gonna tie this one end of the string

To your foot.

Then I'm gonna tie the other end to me.

And then when you get up in the night

And try and get out,

I can get you before you leave the hut.

Yeah. That ought to work, skipper...

Even if I turn into a bat, because bats have feet.

Exactly. Now stop worrying

And get some sleep.

Yeah, skipper. Stop worrying.

Get some sleep. Good night.

Good night.

Stop worrying. Get some sleep.

Vampires...

Bats...

Blood.

[Scary organ music playing]

Million...

[Snores]

Million, million...

I love to dream in round figures.

Aah!

Robbers! Thieves! Cat burglars!

Lovey, hold him off. I'll go hide in the vault.

What is that?

He tried to bite my throat.

He tried to do what?

To bite my throat.

Gilligan, you might have damaged

Her diamond necklace with your molars.

Are your stones hurt?

Oh, he came at me with that frightful look that you get

When you're about to foreclose on a mortgage.

Egad, what a frightening experience.

He bit my neck.

I'll teach you to try and dine out on my wife,

You bounder, you cad.

Oh, wait a minute, dear.

Maybe he was walking in his sleep.

His eyes look a bit glazed.

Well, he always has that glazed look.

Gilligan, gilligan, are you asleep?

Mr. Howell, what are you doing in my hut?

Your hut? It's our hut.

You see? He was walking in his sleep.

Well, his conduct is inexcusable.

What'd I do? What'd you do?

You tried to make a midnight snack out of my wife's neck.

That's what you tried to do.

Oh, no. I'm a vampire.

I did it because I'm a vampire.

Oh, dear, the boy's overwrought.

Fix him a bloody mary.

Heaven's no, not a bloody mary.

I didn't mean to do it, mr. Howell.

I just can't help myself. I'm a vampire.

Now, don't you give up hope, dear.

Those new wonder dr*gs cure anything.

Lovey, are you all right, my dear?

Yes. I'm scared, though, you know?

And then my little buddy tried to bite mrs. Howell on the neck.

I mean, you see, it's really happening, professor.

He's turning into a vampire.

Skipper, that's ridiculous.

I told you vampires are nothing but fairy tales.

But then why'd he try to bite mrs. Howell on the neck?

Well, the explanation is obvious.

Gilligan was so worried about becoming a vampire

That he became obsessed with the idea.

When he fell asleep, his subconscious took over,

And he att*cked mrs. Howell.

But what are we gonna do about it?

I mean, there's no telling

Who's gonna be his next victim.

Fortunately, I know a simple cure for this problem.

I'll prepare an anti-vampire potion.

An anti-vampire potion?

Professor, what school did you go to-- batman u.?

Oh, skipper, not a real anti-vampire potion.

I'll merely brew up some of these native plants

And produce a mild tranquilizer.

Oh, I get it. But then gilligan

Will think it's a real anti-vampire concoction.

Exactly, and his psychological fears about becoming a vampire

Will be removed once and for all.

That's great, professor.

Well, start brewing the plants right away.

I'll get gilligan.

Skipper: go on, gilligan, drink it. Down the hatch.

Professor, are you sure this anti-vampire potion is gonna work?

Believe me, gilligan,

If you're a vampire, this potion will cure you.

Now drink up.

Don't I get a cookie with it?

Would you drink it?

Hey, I feel like a new man.

Imagine that.

One drink of the anti-vampire potion,

And I feel better already.

Professor, what's the matter with gilligan?

Oh, it's all right, skipper.

He was so hyper tense with worry

That the tranquilizers had an immediate effect.

Let's get him to bed.

Well, but you know--

Come on, skipper. He won't bite you.

Well, all right.

I think he'll be just fine in the morning, skipper.

Thanks a lot, professor.

I'm gonna turn in.

Good night. Good night.

Now I'll finally get some sleep.

[Sighs]

[Groans]

Wake up, little buddy.

Gilligan? Ha ha ha.

Oh, how are you feeling this morning?

Well, I'll bet you're more like your old self now.

[Squeaking]

[Squeaking]

My poor little buddy.

A bat that goes "eek, eek" and flaps its wings.

What a shame.

A shame, ginger-- why, it's a disaster.

Do you think he can turn into a carrier pigeon?

Why, sure. We can tie a note on his leg.

He can fly to hawaii and be back in time for dinner.

You girls aren't taking me seriously at all.

I'm telling you, he's really a vampire.

Mary ann, I think he means it.

Well, certainly I mean it.

The howells are over watching him right now.

I'm trying to find the professor

'Cause he'll know what to do.

You haven't seen him at all?

I've got to find him.

Imagine, a simple sailor like gilligan

Turning into a bat.

It could happen.

I once knew a movie producer who turned into a wolf.

Aah! Oh!

Gilligan just flew in the window.

Ginger, don't. You'll hurt him.

Oh, I hope so.

But remember, it's still gilligan.

Aah!

Oh, you're right. He's still our friend.

Oh, I'm sorry, gilligan.

I wouldn't hurt you for anything in the whole world.

Aah!

k*ll him! k*ll him!

Aah! Aah!

Don't panic, girls. I'll get him!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, thank goodness. Professor, you saved our lives.

Oh, gilligan's after our necks.

Gilligan? What are you talking about?

He turned into a vampire bat.

He's trying to att*ck us.

He tried to bite our necks.

Hold it! Hold it. Hold it now. Listen to me.

Now, this is not gilligan,

And it is not a vampire bat.

It isn't? Well, the skipper said--

Well, it's a perfectly understandable mistake.

This is a common red fruit bat.

It's perfectly harmless.

However, it can be mistaken for the vampire bat.

Only an expert can tell them apart.

And fortunately, I happen to know

A little something about bat anatomy.

Oh. Well, if this isn't gilligan...

Both: where is gilligan?

Now when I turn into a bat,

I won't be able to fly out and bite my friends.

All my buddies will be safe.

I'll be in here all alone forever.

Boy, am I unselfish.

Boy, am I noble.

Boy, am I scared.

Gilligan! Gilligan, little buddy,

I've got great news for you.

You're all right.

You weren't bitten by a vampire bat.

You were bitten by a fruit bat.

Gilligan?

Gilligan's voice: "dear good pals,

"I am running away to save your lives.

"Don't try to find me 'cause if you do,

"I'll just stick my fangs in your neck,

"And that could wreck our friendship.

"Good-bye forever.

Your friend, gilligan the vampire."

Oh, gilligan,

Why'd you do a dumb thing like that?

Gilligan's voice: "p.s.-- This was the only dumb thing

I could think of doing."

Professor!

Professor!

This is serious.

Gilligan isn't rational in his present state.

Yes, of course, professor,

But he wouldn't stand a chance

In the jungle all night.

We got to find him before it gets dark.

I suggest we organize search parties immediately.

All right. Let's go.

Yes. Lovey, I think you and I

Better go by way of our hut.

[Scary organ music plays]

A vampire...

Turning into a bat.

Biting...

The vampire.

Vampire.

[Wolf howls]

Hurry, lovey. Let's get out of the fog

And find lodgings for the night, eh?

It's so gloomy here.

Couldn't we find a more cheerful castle?

Nonsense! Have you no sense of adventure?

Open up! Open up in there, I say!

Something strange about this place.

My pearl necklace just curdled.

The peasants will welcome us with open arms.

Open up! Open up!

Oh!

Go away! Flee!

Be gone and never come back.

Get out!

She doesn't seem exactly overjoyed to see us.

It's the language barrier.

I'll speak the international language of money.

Here you are, my dear.

Moola--pesos, lira, drachma.

Here! Here!

My wallet is a mixed grill.

Take your pick.

No gratuities are necessary.

Whah!

Follow me.

Wild motel.

Landlady looks suspicious, too.

You're a linguist, dear.

Ask her if he can accommodate us--

The imperial suite, of course.

I shall tell my mistress

She has guests for this evening.

Ecch.

[Loud gong]

The bell tolls.

Some unwary travelers have stumbled into our midst.

I must wake my husband.

[Tap tap-tap tap-tap]

[Tap tap]

The moon is full, and guests await.

Wake up, master.

Get out of your crate.

[Transylvanian accent] good evening.

I am the vampire--

Prince of evil, duke of darkness,

King of terror, and other rotten things.

Master, guests have arrived.

They're downstairs,

Little realizing the danger that awaits them.

Guests.

Guests.

I can hardly wait to put the bite on them.

I shall swoop down upon their unsuspecting necks.

[Crash]

What happened?

I forgot to turn into a bat.

What kind of a vampire are you, anyway?

Wait here. I'll go get the victims.

But they'll see my coffin,

And they'll become suspicious!

I'll fix that.

Here. Twin bats.

Ha ha! Now I'll get you the victims.

Meanwhile, you'd better hide.

Yes. That way,

They won't know I'm here till it's too late.

I'll run and hide in the alcove.

[Crash]

We don't have an alcove, you schnook.

This will be your room.

I hope you like it.

Like it?

Madame, your decorator should be flogged

And his ballet pumps b*rned.

A bedroom without a stock ticker?

Barbaric.

Oh, darling, we really should be more gracious to our hostess.

What my husband means is that we want to thank you

From the bottom of our hearts

For allowing us to spend the night

In this perfectly beastly room.

Well said, lovey, my dear.

Oh.

[Rapping]

A petrified mattress.

Well, it won't matter, darling.

You're so tired,

You'll sleep like a dead man.

You're so right.

Ha ha ha ha!

[Door knocker raps]

Oh. Someone's at the door.

I must prepare another room.

You're expecting other guests?

No, but we'll make room.

My husband loves to have extra people for dinner.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ohh!

I say, I've knocked and knocked,

And nobody's answering, inspector sherlock.

What do you make of that?

Oh, elementary, my dear watney.

No one's at home.

We've come to the wrong castle.

Here. See for yourself.

Silly of us, for heaven's sake.

Oh, inspector,

I think there's something wrong with this glass.

There's nothing but an ugly old lady inside it.

Oh, give that to me.

I'm afraid my associate has no manners.

I must apologize for his remark,

Ugly old lady.

Thank you.

I am inspector sherlock,

And this is my associate colonel watney.

How do you do?

Have you been expecting us?

Expecting you?

Years ago,

I wrote you to come investigate

The strange happenings in this house.

Years.

What took you so long?

Well, the fact is,

We had a hard time getting a hansom cab.

Precisely.

We had to walk.

You walked all the way from england?

Yes. And, of course, crossing the channel

Was devilishly slow.

It was take one step and come up for air,

And take another step and come up for air.

Never mind.

Come inside the house. Quickly.

Maybe you can help prevent a terrible crime.

Oh, good god. After you, inspector.

No. After you, sir.

Oh, no. Please.

Oh, I'm simply pooped, my dear.

Wearing a full-length money belt all day is so exhausting.

Know what I mean?

Well, don't go to bed yet, dear.

I have a premonition we're in deadly danger.

The hairs on my chinchilla are standing up.

That's poppycock.

You're just overwrought from the journey.

Isn't that right, teddy dear?

Well, I can't help it, darling.

After all, there's a rumor

That there are vampires in the neighborhood,

And I despise vampires.

They're so toothy.

Obviously, your imagination is running amuck.

Any -year-old child can tell you

There is no such thing as a vampire.

There's no such thing.

There's a vampire.

That's the last time

I listen to a -year-old child.

Good evening. You're my type of folks.

You're type "a," you're type "o."

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Go away! Go away!

Here! Take teddy!

I say, inspector,

Have you found any sign of the vampire,

Like the old lady said?

Not a clue.

My investigation proves conclusively

That there is not a vampire

Within , miles of here.

[Screaming upstairs]

Inspector, did you hear a scream?

I beg your pardon. What did you say?

I said, did you hear a scream?

I can't hear you, old boy.

Someone's screaming.

Ah! Watney, our first clue.

What? What is it, inspector?

Someone is screaming.

Hurry, watney!

Oof! Inspector.

Faithful friend, hurry.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah! Ohh!

I say, old boy,

Have you seen a vampire?

Not lately.

Why don't you put an ad in the newspaper?

Ah, good thinking.

Aah!

The vampire! The vampire!

Oh, boy!

My good man.

My good man!

Use your head, inspector.

Get up, you.

Get up, you.

Get up.

Get up.

Get up. Get up, gilligan.

Little buddy, get up.

Get back! I am the vampire.

Gilligan, now wait a minute.

It was all a mistake.

It wasn't even a vampire bat that bit you.

You're just plain old gilligan.

I warned you, colonel watney.

Oof!

Skipper? Is that you?

No, it's not the skipper.

I'm frankenstein's monster.

Argh!

Skipper, it's gonna be great to get a good night's sleep

Without worrying about that vampire junk.

You bet your life, little buddy.

Can you imagine us believing all that superstitious nonsense

About vampires and bats and all that stuff?

Isn't it silly? Isn't it stupid?

Stupid? How could we have been so stupid?

I don't know,

But we're sure not gonna fall for that junk again.

Yeah. Good night, little buddy.

Pleasant dreams, skipper.

[Squeaking]

Do you hear what I hear?

Let's get outta here!



♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In the tropic island nest ♪

No phone... No lights...

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪