03x04 - The Producer

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Gilligan's Island". Aired: September 26, 1964 – April 17, 1967.*
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Series follows the comic adventures of seven castaways as they try to survive on an island where they are shipwrecked.
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03x04 - The Producer

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic port ♪

♪ Aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailin' man ♪

♪ The skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Passengers set sail that day for a -hour tour ♪

♪ A -hour tour ♪

[Thunder]

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage of the fearless crew ♪

♪ The minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore of this ♪

♪ Uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With gilligan ♪

♪ The skipper, too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and mary ann ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪

Skipper, hey, skipper!

It's a plane!

It's a plane, skipper!

It's a plane.

Hey, skipper, it's a plane.

Gilligan, don't you ever watch where you're going?

I know it's a plane.

It's been circling around here

For the last minutes.

It's probably a search plane.

I better get some wood for the signal fire.

Gilligan, what do you suppose this is for,

Roasting marshmallows?

Never mind the wood. I'll handle the wood.

You go get our radio.

He's probably been trying to contact us.

Yes, sir, the radio.

Oh!

Radio announcer: and now from hollywood.

Harold hecuba, the cinema's top producer,

Is circling the world in his private plane

In a talent hunt for new faces

To star in his next musical extravaganza,

Tentatively entitled musical extravaganza.

Mr. Hecuba, or h.h.,

As he is affectionately known here in hollywood,

Insists on searching in out-of-the-way places to find...

Gilligan!

Hi, ginger, bye, ginger. Put that back.

No, this is important.

Well, so is this.

I know, but--

Well, no buts about it,

I'm listening to the hollywood news.

You can have it when I'm through.

Some of the stars

That mr. Hecuba has discovered in the past

Include that handsome leading man patch pockets

And that great cowboy star bum steer.

All his friends in hollywood wish h.h. Well

In his worldwide mission.

Ginger says you can have the radio

As soon as she's finished with-- you.

What are you doing?

Gilligan, that plane was circling

Not looking for us.

It was 'cause he was in trouble.

We're in more trouble than he is.

We're shipwrecked.

Well, he's shipwrecked, too.

I saw him crash.

He can't be shipwrecked,

He was flying a plane.

He could be planewrecked,

But he can't be shipwrecked.

All right, so he was planewrecked.

I just hope he's ok.

He's ok. Look.

Careful with that stuff,

Will you, kid?

I think it's a miracle that you're even alive.

Well, I don't know, these new planes,

You press the wrong button,

Things go who knows.

Let me see, now,

I'll have to send some telegrams,

I'll need a large office,

Private telephones,

Private secretaries, wall-to-wall carpeting,

I--you're standing?

Move it! Move it!

Well, I'm sorry, but we don't have any telephones

Or any telegraphs out here.

And no carpeting.

Now, that's negative thinking.

I don't put in with negative thinking.

Do you wanna know why?

Because it's negative!

Well, I'm sorry,

But this is a deserted island,

And there's only castaways out here,

And I'm the skipper. And I'm gilligan.

What, are you some kind of peace corps dropouts?

Come on, boys, move it, move it.

You're standing?

When harold hecuba does this...

You do that. Come on, let's take it from the top.

You're gonna be all right. Now, let me see, now--

Casting directory, swimming trunks,

Suntan oil, electric toothbrush--

Aha, here it is.

Spread that out, kid.

Well--well, now, just a minute, mr. Hecuba.

You're a long way from hollywood,

And I'm skipper of this island,

And I give the orders!

He's the skipper, he gives the orders.

Is that a fact?

Well, hear this and hear this good.

Right now, a couple of my flunkies

Are following me in a plane.

Now, if you and your friends

Want to be my guests in a free ride back to civilization--

We do, we do.

Then remember one thing.

The key word around here is cooperation.

That is the word-- cooperation.

Now, who gives the orders around here?

Mr. Harold hecuba.

Mr. Harold hecuba.

That's better.

All right, kid,

Spread out that signal marker.

People, people.

Nice job, kid.

Now go down and pick up the rest of my luggage.

No tip?

Tip, tip, tip. Put it on my tab.

How much is one and one?

. Good boy. Here.

You're standing? You're standing?

Right this way, mr. Hecuba.

All right, look alive, look alive.

Yes, sir.

So mr. Hecuba thought that this would be

The most comfortable place for him to stay, mr. Howell.

Ugly, ugly!

This looks like a poverty pocket

In a disaster area.

Now, see here.

Oh, don't apologize, pussycat.

Pussycat?!

Well, if this is the best you have,

I guess I'll just have to put up with it.

I'll have you know that mrs. Howell and I

Are not sharing our quarters with a perfect stranger.

Nobody's perfect.

I wouldn't think of sharing this hovel with you and your wife.

Oh, that's much better.

You're moving out.

I'm taking over.

You and your wife will have to find other quarters.

This is outrageous.

What nerve, what gall.

Mr. Howell, please, he's gonna get us off the island.

What can I do for you?

Sir.

The key word is sir. S-i-r.

Remember that.

Mr. Howell, a rescue plane is coming to get him,

And he's gonna take us along,

So do what he wants.

I know, but--

Please.

Darling, I found the most beautiful flower.

Hello. I want...

No autographs, please.

Oh, oh, oh, dear heart,

This is mr. Harold hecuba, the famous film producer.

And mr. Hecuba, this is my darling wife

Mrs. Thurston howell iii.

How do you do?

Do you mind?

I'm allergic.

Mr. Hecuba's gonna take over your hut

For a little while, mrs. Howell.

Oh, that's--that's out of the question.

What nerve, what gall.

Mr. Hecuba's going to help us get off the island, my dear.

Oh. What can I do for you, mr. Hecuba?

Well, I'm so glad you asked.

While I'm staying here at this island tenement,

I'm gonna need a butler and a maid,

And you two will do very nicely.

Really!

This is the last straw.

Rescue or no rescue,

The howells are servants to no man.

Your martini.

Ahh, yes, lovely.

Oh! Impossible!

He's absolutely impossible!

Why should we be a servant to a self-centered,

Abusive, overbearing human being?

Mary ann, that's the way producers are.

Why, I knew one producer in hollywood

For years, and in all that time,

He only smiled once.

When was that?

The day his yacht sank.

And he smiled?

Well, he just sold it.

To his mother-in-law.

She couldn't swim.

[Whistle]

Oh! His master's voice.

Mary ann, let me serve him, huh?

♪ Santa lucia ♪

♪ Santa lucia ♪

Never mind the floor show, kid.

Get me some water.

[Italian accent] water?

Sure, I bring you water.

Eh, what-a you care about the poor-a starving people,

So long as you stuff yourself with water, eh?

Eh, you want-a water.

I don't have a dress-a to my name.

What's that you're wearing?

This?

This is a dress that I share with my sisters.

Only one of us can leave the house at a time.

And you want water.

All right. Forget the water.

Just bring me some bread.

Bread?!

Eh, now you want some bread!

They are starving in the piazza de steve reeves,

And you want-a bread.

All right, I get you bread.

You stuff-a your fat face with bread.

Mama mia!

[Speaking italian]

I think I saw this in a picture once.

[As marilyn monroe] here you are, mr. Hecuba.

Here's your bread and water.

What do you want, applause?

I don't know what you want with bread and water,

As long as I'm around.

Please, kid, not while I'm eating, huh?

You know,

Once men have tasted my lips,

They're never satisfied with bread and water again.

Hold it. Now, what's going on here?

I just wanted to show you what a versatile actress I am, mr. Hecuba.

Couldn't you see me starring in your new movie?

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

With that phony dialect and that overacting,

In a harold hecuba production?

Like the man said when he backed into the stove,

"That's a hot one."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

"I bring-a you bread.

I bring-a you bread."

Ha ha ha ha ha!

It's too--

Actors! Actors!

[Sobbing]

Ginger, how can you say that you won't go with us

After we're rescued?

I asked him for a part in his movie,

And he laughed at me.

[Sobbing]

Maybe it's a comedy.

Would you stay out of this?

Anything you say, h.h.

Now, ginger, please,

You don't need mr. Hecuba.

I mean, you're going to be returning to an adoring public.

No!

I'll return to find I'm an unknown.

A has-been.

[Sobbing]

Ginger, please, now,

Your public hasn't forgotten you.

Yeah. Sure. It's just silly.

I mean, who could forget your performance as the girl in the...

Or was it the sister?

The niece?

Was it the mother?

No...

I'm gonna spend the rest of my life

Alone on this island.

Ohh...

[Sobbing]

I got it.

You were the sympathetic friend.

Nooo!

[Sobbing]

Ginger said she won't go back with us

Even after we're rescued.

She will not go back to hollywood.

I'm afraid this is serious.

When hecuba laughed at ginger's acting,

She became emotionally disturbed

And psychologically maladjusted.

Not only that--

She's upset.

If only hecuba hadn't laughed at her.

Oh, he's all heart, that guy.

He acts the same way with everybody.

Even mr. Howell.

Mr. Howell!

Why are you serving us?

I don't know.

It's become force of habit.

What has happened to me?

What has happened to me?

Ohh!

Poor mr. Howell's in bad shape.

We're going to have to do something to help him.

I don't know. It's pretty nice having a butler.

Gilligan...

Gentlemen, we were discussing ginger.

Now, if she refuses to leave the island,

We're facing a serious problem.

I have an idea.

Gilligan, we don't need

Another one of your ideas.

We're in enough trouble now.

I was just thinking,

If we put on a musical with ginger as the star,

H.h. Would see how great she was.

That's a great idea, gilligan.

A dumb one!

Oh, on the contrary--

That's a marvelous idea, gilligan.

But, professor, when you put on a stage show,

You've gotta have rehearsals.

H.h. Has been running our legs off all day long.

But he doesn't call us at night.

Oh, you're really something.

At night.

Professor: why not?

We could use torches.

Yeah. And we could rehearse in the clearing,

Where he can't hear us.

But hecuba puts on musicals,

And it so happens we don't have any musicals to put on.

But the howells have records,

And we brought some books,

And books are always being made into musicals.

Say, maybe we could make a musical

Out of some of those books.

Four-masted schooners I have known.

Oh, that's mine, professor.

How about this one? Integrated calculus by zimmerman.

Oh, that's mine.

Gilligan: I knew it wasn't mine.

Uh, how about, uh, a million ways to make a million?

No. That's mr. Howell's.

How about carpenter's handbook?

Oh, that'd be a great musical, gilligan.

Carpenter's handbook.

Can't you see a musical, sawing...

♪ Bo-wah ooh-wah-- ♪

That's enough.

I'm afraid it's a fruitless task, gilligan.

Well, the only thing left is hamlet by william shakespeare.

That's it! Hamlet is a marvelous play!

But hecuba puts on musicals.

We can put it to music.

Hamlet to music?

Sure. We can call it

Hamlet a go-go.

This is the story of a man

Who could not make up his mind.

A tragic tale of love and hate,

Of remorse and revenge.

But enough of me.

The play's the thing.

And with a roll of the drum

And a blare of the trumpets,

We present...

Hamlet.

[Overture plays]

♪ I ask, to be ♪

♪ Or not to be? ♪

♪ A rogue or peasant sl*ve ♪

♪ Is what you see ♪

♪ A boy who loves ♪

♪ His mother's knee ♪

♪ And so I ask, to be or not to be? ♪

♪ So hear my plea... ♪

♪ And say you'll see a little hope for me ♪

♪ To fight or flee ♪

♪ To fight or flee ♪

♪ I ask myself, to be or not to be? ♪

♪ He asks, to be or not to be? ♪

♪ A rogue and peasant sl*ve is what you see ♪

♪ My son who loves his mother's knee ♪

♪ And so he asks, to be or not to be? ♪

♪ To hear his plea ♪

♪ We beg of thee ♪

♪ And say we see ♪

♪ A little hope for he ♪

♪ To fight or flee ♪

♪ To fight or flee ♪

♪ I ask myself ♪

♪ To be or not ♪

♪ To be? ♪

Hark!

I do believe I hear the fair ophelia.

My lord hamlet is troubled.

Yea, verily.

My heart is heavy.

I cannot marry thee, ophelia.

There is nothing left for you

But to get thee to a notarary.


Ah, my poor hamlet!

Ah, my poor hamlet!

[Music plays]

♪ Hamlet, dear, your problem is clear ♪

♪ Avenging thy father's death ♪

♪ You seek to harm your uncle ♪

♪ And mom, but you're scaring me to death ♪

♪ While I die and sigh and cry ♪

♪ That love is everything ♪

♪ You're content to try to catch ♪

♪ The conscience of the king ♪

♪ Since the date ♪

♪ When your dad met his fate ♪

♪ You just brood ♪

♪ And you don't touch your food ♪

♪ You hate your ma ♪

♪ Mad at my pa ♪

♪ You'll k*ll the king ♪

♪ Or some silly thing ♪

♪ So...hamlet, hamlet ♪

♪ Do be a lamblet ♪

♪ Rotten enough alone ♪

♪ From ophelia, no one can steal ya ♪

♪ You'll always be my own ♪

♪ Leave the gravedigger scene ♪

♪ If you know what I mean ♪

♪ Danish pastry for two ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ For you ♪

In truth, ophelia,

You have said a mouthful.

Oh.

Uh...

Hamlet, I have so much more to offer.

Hamlet,

I have so much more to offer.

But hark!

Methinks me hear the heavy footsteps

Of my father polonius.

And the laughter of your brother and my friend

Laertes.

Oh! They must not find us here.

But where to hide?

Hide anyplace.

But don't go near the water.

[Clears throat]

Father, my ship sails

At the tide.

A moment, my son,

For I have something to tell you.

I ask only for my allowance.

Ah, but I shall give you something far more valuable.

Advice.

Do you know how much wine

You can buy in paris with advice?

Paris.

It is a wild and wicked town.

And you are but a young and innocent boy.

Oh, could I tell him a few stories.

Heed my words, laertes,

And you will be safe.

Unless I listen, I won't get my spending money.

So I'll listen, I'll listen.

♪ Neither a borrower ♪

♪ Nor a lender be ♪

♪ Do not forget ♪

♪ Stay out of debt ♪

♪ Think twice ♪

♪ And take this good advice from me ♪

♪ Guard that old solvency ♪

♪ There's just one other thing ♪

♪ You ought to do ♪

♪ To thine own self be true ♪

♪ Neither a borrower nor a lender be ♪

♪ Do not forget ♪

♪ Stay out of debt ♪

♪ Think twice ♪

♪ And take this good advice from me ♪

♪ Guard that old solvency ♪

♪ There's just one other thing ♪

♪ You ought to do ♪

♪ To thine own self be true ♪

Quiet!

Quiet!

[Everyone talking at once]

I said quiet!

How dare you put on a play

Without informing harold hecuba?

From now on, h.h. Is in full charge of all rehearsals.

You mean you're gonna produce our play?

The sensational, great, magnificent mr. Hecuba?

You left out stupendous.

Watch that, baby.

Oh. Sorry.

All right! Get ready to rehearse

Harold hecuba's hamlet.

Don't you mean william shakespeare's hamlet?

If he was alive today,

I'd have him working on a full rewrite.

Now, look--

Places!

Wait a minute. Take five.

The image is all wrong.

I'll have to change clothes.

Work on it. Work on it.

[All talking at once]

♪ There's just one other thing you ought to do ♪

♪ To thine own self be true ♪

[Blows whistle]

Hold it!

Of all the years I've been around,

That is absolutely the worst!

You call yourself actors?

I don't call myself an actor.

What? If I say you're an actor, you're an actor.

Ok, I'm an actor.

Believe me, you are no actor.

Now, we'll take it from the top,

And we're gonna do it right.

I'll show you how to do it with pace, tempo!

Up to now, there's really been something rotten in denmark.

I want--

Silence!

I didn't say anything.

If I know you, you will.

All right.

Turn in your costumes.

From this point on,

Hecuba will show you how to do this thing right.

You...

You are about to be privileged

To see an original production of hamlet

Created by harold hecuba,

Directed by harold hecuba,

And now for the first time,

Demonstrated to you

By harold hecuba.

What a modest, unassuming chap.

Overture.

[Overture plays]

[Crashing and banging]

♪ I ask, to be or not to be? ♪

Hold it! Cut!

It's draggin'. It's layin' right in the ground.

Come on, gimme a little tempo.

Faster! Faster!

♪ I ask, to be or not to be? ♪

♪ A rogue or a peasant sl*ve is what you see ♪

♪ A boy who loves his mother's knee ♪

♪ And so I ask, to be or not to be? ♪

Eh heh heh!

Hark!

I hear the fair ophelia.

♪ Hamlet, dear, your problem is clear ♪

♪ Avenging thy father's death ♪

♪ You seek to harm your uncle and mom ♪

♪ But you're scaring me to death ♪

[Deep voice] hark!

[High-pitched voice] hark!

It is my father,

Polonius.

♪ Neither a borrower nor a lender be ♪

♪ Do not forget ♪

♪ Stay out of debt ♪

♪ Think twice, and take this good advice ♪

♪ From me ♪

♪ Guard that old solvency ♪

♪ There's just one other thing you ought to do ♪

♪ To thine own self be true ♪

Oh, I just think he's wonderful!

I think he's twins.

Hark!

The king approaches.

As king of the realm...

Good night, sweet prince.

Ahh...

Stop that and make sense, will you?

He's gone, gone! Mr. Hecuba's gone!

But that's impossible.

I knocked on his door and nobody answered.

Oh, gilligan. Well, he might be sound asleep.

After all, he gave quite a performance last night.

Well...

I'll see.

Mr. Hecuba?

Mr. Hecuba, are you awake?

Mr. Hecuba?

Skipper, there's a note.

Oh.

"Friends, the rescue boat came during the night,

And I didn't want to disturb your sleep."

"Didn't want to disturb your sleep"?

Would you keep quiet?

"Good luck, and keep well.

"Cordially, harold hecuba.

Harold hecuba productions."

He left us.

He left us behind.

Oh, but I'm sure he'll be coming back.

I mean, he has no reason for leaving us.

Oh, yes, he has.

Listen to this reason.

Radio announcer: and now a repeat of the marvelous news.

Harold hecuba has been rescued,

And with a bigger and better future.

He announced that his next production

Will be a musical version of hamlet,

The greatest idea he ever had.

Who but harold hecuba

Could think of an idea

As brilliant as that?

Us. That's who.

Oh, I can't believe that he'd leave us here.

Well, he has.

But how could he do a thing like that?

I mean, just because he made a movie, he's gonna leave us?

I mean, he's gonna desert us because of a movie he made with...

Gilligan, what's the matter with you?

Why aren't you upset?

Well...

That's show biz.

♪ I ask, to be or not to be? ♪

♪ That is the question that I ask of me ♪

Gilligan, will you cut that out?

I'm trying to get some sleep.

[Softer] ♪ I ask, to be or not to be? ♪

♪ That is the question that I ask of me ♪

Gilligan, cut that out!

[Softer still] ♪ I ask, to be ♪

♪ Or not to be? ♪

♪ That is the question that i-- ♪

♪ And that is the answer that you get from me ♪

♪ Now this is the tale of our castaways ♪

♪ They're here for a long, long time ♪

♪ They'll have to make the best of things ♪

♪ It's an uphill climb ♪

♪ The first mate and his skipper, too ♪

♪ Will do their very best ♪

♪ To make the others comfortable ♪

♪ In the tropic island nest ♪

No phone... No lights...

♪ No motorcars, not a single luxury ♪

♪ Like robinson crusoe ♪

♪ It's primitive as can be ♪

♪ So join us here each week, my friends ♪

♪ You're sure to get a smile ♪

♪ From stranded castaways ♪

♪ Here on gilligan's isle ♪
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